The following checklists can help you and your partner identify possible problems and talk them over. They will also help you get to know each other better. Ask yourself and each other the following questions.

1. Addiction or Excessive Use of Alcohol, Drugs, Etc.

Whether the problem is alcohol, drugs, gambling, or anything else, it leads to behavior that makes a person unreliable and untrustworthy. It will inevitable prevent the addict from putting the partner’s needs first. Feeding the addiction will always come first, not the partner.

• Does my partner’s drinking/drug use/gambling make me uncomfortable?
• Does he or she acknowledge that there is an addiction problems?
• Is he or she now in treatment or seeking professional help to overcome this addiction?

2. Controlling or Bullying Tendencies

If you feel as if your partner tries to micromanage every detail of your relationship and your life, neither of you will feel as if you have a relationship of two independent, mature adults. If he insists on having his own way more than you think is fair or she does not respect your independence, then it won’t be long before the two of you will experience conflict.

• Does he or she expect me to account for my whereabouts every single minute of the day? If I don’t, does he or she express annoyance or worse?
• Does he or she try to bully me into doing things I do not want to do?
• Does your partner fail to consult you on important decisions?

3. Dishonesty and Lying

The good relationships are built on trust. Each partner has to be able to rely on the other telling him or her the truth.

• Does my partner ever lie to me?
• Does my partner try to excuse his or her lying, rather than apologize for it?

4. Displays of Contempt, Condescension, and Overall Lack of Respect

If your partner treats you with contempt rather than respect and speaks sarcastically and condescendingly, it will be almost impossible to talk over your differences calmly and rationally.

• Does my partner make fun of me in a way that hurts my feelings?
• Does my partner make snide remarks about me and act as if he or she does not respect my skills, talents, or contributions?

5. Emotional Withdrawal

If your partner has great trouble sharing his or her emotions or demonstrating love through affection and touch, in a way that meets your own emotional needs, it will be difficult to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

• Does my partner simply walk away or retreat when there is conflict rather than sit down and talk it through?
• Does my partner give the warmth, physical affection, and emotional nurturance I need, or does he or she seem to withhold emotional support?

6. Excessive or Explosive Anger

When your partner’s anger seems excessive, inappropriate to the circumstances, or occurs more often than you are comfortable with, he or she may have a problem.

• Does my partner’s anger seem out of control or frightening to me?
• Have friends or family mentioned these outbursts to me?

7. Extreme Defensiveness or Denial that Obstructs Open Discussion

If you try to bring up problems that you see in your interactions, and your partner seems unable to listen and instead gets angry, defensive, or completely denies your feelings, it will be difficult for you both to grow in this relationship. It also makes it difficult or impossible to fix problems as they arise.

• Does my partner jump on me or refuse to calmly discuss any differences of opinion that I bring up?
• Can my partner listen to problems I bring up, or does he or she usually deny that any such problems exist?

8. Frequent Critical or Insulting Remarks

Excessive criticism between partners is one of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship, and one most likely to lead to divorce.

If your partner repeatedly criticizes and insults you, he or she is not showing you the respect any marriage partner deserves.

• Does he or she repeatedly criticize who I am or what I do?
• Does he or she criticize me or insult me in front of others?

9. Infidelity

Unfaithfulness is one of the most fundamental betrayals of trust, and one that will jeopardize a marriage. If your partner is unfaithful before you get married, and you cannot agree that both of you find such actions acceptable, chances are it will happen again.

• Does my partner flirt or behave in any other way with others that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable?
• Has my partner ever given me reason to believe he or she might be unfaithful?

10. Intolerance or Excessive Rigidity

Someone who is intolerant of you or others, or who is excessively rigid, will not be likely to have the forgiving nature or the flexibility and resilience to roll with the ups and downs that any long-term relationship requires.

• Is he or she accepting of attitudes I possess that differ from his or her own?
• Does my partner refuse to speak to me or others if he or she is angry?

11. Laziness and Unwillingness to Do His or Her Share

Once two partners agree on what they find to be a fair distribution of chores around the house, based on time and preferences and skills, it is not acceptable for one of the partners to repeatedly slack off without discussing it thoroughly with the other.

• Does my partner refuse to pitch in and leave the lion’s share of the work to me, even though we agreed to split things equitably?

12. Rudeness or Bad Manners

If your partner is repeatedly rude to you or others, or if his or her bad manners make you feel as if you would not want to be seen in public with him or her, your relationship cannot possibly become great without some major alternations in behavior.

• Am I embarrassed by my partner’s manners?
• When I ask my partner to modify his or her behavior, is he or she able to change, or does the behavior persist?

13. Selfishness or Inability to Show Kindness, Caring, and Support

Be careful if your partner puts his or her interests above yours on a fairly regular basis. Such behavior is likely to encourage you to behave in a similar fashion, if only to protect your interests. When two people behave selfishly, they will likely grow farther apart over time.

• Do I feel as if my partner is pulling his or her share in the relationship?
• Does my partner think about what I want and need as much as his or her own interests?

14. Violence or Verbal Abuse

Physical violence and verbal abuse are never acceptable in any relationship. With counseling, some individuals may be able to overcome this behavior. But if the person is unwilling to seek outside counseling, you shouldn’t expect to see significant change.

• Does my partner use abusive language, profanity, or cruel and insulting remarks directed at me that I find offensive and hurtful?
• Has my partner ever hit me or threatened to hurt me —even once?

Marriage Missions Note: For additional information on this problem behavior please click on the following web site link to read:

• 12 Traits of An Abusive Relationship

Though psychological and emotional problems may not be fatal flaws, they are conditions you must be aware of before you marry. If your partner is suffering from conditions such as depression, anxiety, obsessive fears, or other worrisome emotional issues, he or she should receive professional help before you make any decision about marrying. Of course, he or she should continue with that help, if necessary, after the marriage, should you decide to go ahead with it.

It can be very difficult to look honestly at the person we think we love. We may feel we’ll spoil the romance, or discover things we wish we didn’t know. But the reverse is more likely to be true. Having honest discussions —many of them —about religion, money, sex, children, recreation, and acceptable behavior can be a great way to discover how much you really have in common.

It will also build trust and a strong foundation for your future life together. If you don’t agree at first, this discussion offers a chance to learn what you need to continue working on. If you still aren’t able to agree on all of these six basic issues, you will find it much wiser and less painful in the long run to part ways so that you can begin, with optimism, your new search for the right person for you.

The above article can be found in the book, Wonderful Marriage by Lilo and Gerard Leeds, published by Benbella Books (Review or Buy This Book Now). Actually, there are even more questions contained in the section of the book we used for this article, which you can read by obtaining this marriage resource itself. In addition, you will find many more helpful marriage tips and insights which the Lilo and Gerard shared from their 57+ years of experience together, as they pass along to their readers what they have learned in making a marriage wonderful. It can also be enjoyed by those who are considering marriage (because they address many topics like the one above, in a way that helps you to consider whether or not you are suited to marry each other).

We highly recommend Wonderful Marriage, even though it isn’t written to a Christian audience. We only found two quotes we objected to in the entire book, but the rest of it lines up fine scripturally. As with ANY resource (including ours), other than the Bible, it’s important to prayerfully read with an objective eye. If it lines up with God’s Biblical principles and the Lord shows you that the advice will be helpful for your marriage, use it. If not, don’t. Not all advice given by humans is good for you to use. Ask God for wisdom and discernment and the Lord will bless.

An additional problem you truly need to examine is that of pornography. Many think this isn’t really a “problem” or it is one that will go away after marriage, but you need to reconsider that stance. Many, many marriages are crippled because of this behavior. Please click onto the link below to read more about it:

We can only provide for you a portion of what Alistair said. You’d need to either read the transcripts or listen to the broadcast to find out the rest — which we HIGHLY recommend. It’s humorous and helpful! You might even want to purchase a CD to pass along to others who could benefit from this information. (We’ll provide a web site link after this preview.) For now, the question is:

WHAT SHOULD A WOMAN LOOK FOR IN A HUSBAND?

1. The man should be committed to growing in his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. Do not take on a fellow as a discipleship project. Don’t take on a husband who has merely mastered Bible trivia. Look for a husband who is serious about growing in grace and in his knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ. Imagine that he is going to be, in part, your shepherd and your guide; that he is going to be the spiritual leader of your home; that he is going to be the nurturer of your children together.
2. A husband should be an individual of obvious integrity. If you find him in an employee/employer situation fudging the issue in his sales calls, telling somebody that he can get the product to them in two weeks when he comes afterwards and tells you that actually he knew that he couldn’t get it there for four weeks, but he said that because he didn’t want to lose the sale — on the day he tells you that, you need to have a long, serious conversation with him. And if he seeks to under-gird his deceptiveness with argumentation, you should probably kiss him goodbye. You need a husband who is honest to the core, to a fault.

3. Look for a husband who is able to lead boldly. Look for the kind of man who can think for himself, who can weigh options, and who can make good decisions. A girl should never settle for leadership that is selfish, bombastic, and domineering. The leadership of the Lord Jesus Christ, as espoused by the Apostles, is a leadership that is marked by an attitude of servanthood, an attitude that submits to the leadership of others. The flip side of it, is that a young woman should be more than a little concerned if the fellow that she’s dating has to check with his mother all the time – “I need to phone my mom about that,” and all he’s trying to decide is where he should buy the large or the medium t-shirt – you’ve got a problem there.

4. Look for a husband who displays the ability to love sacrificially. For example, watch, at the end of an evening with friends, to see if this character is quick to organize and spearhead the cleanup, or whether he waits for everybody else to clean up. Observe the way he relates to children and to strangers. See if he possesses a willingness to hold doors for passersby with full arms. Watch his attitude to waitresses and to other people who are involved in serving the public.

5. A husband should be able to laugh heartily. Humor is a vital element in preventing marital failure. The ability to laugh doesn’t mean that he’s the class clown or even a joke-teller. In fact, he may be hopeless at telling jokes. That may be the funniest part about him. But it is important that he likes to laugh, and a key trait to look for is his willingness to laugh at himself. If he takes himself too seriously, look out.

6. A husband should model genuine humility. Simply put, a good husband shouldn’t be stuck on himself. Genuine humility keeps its focus on others. And if you find yourself in the company of somebody who cannot be an understudy, who can’t sit in the second chair, who has always got to be the theme of the story, the joke of the party, the success of the event, I want to suggest to you, girls, that you might want to take a long, hard look at whether you’re in the company of the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

WHAT SHOULD A MAN LOOK FOR IN A WIFE:

1. A good wife must have a personal faith and trust in the Lord Jesus. Don’t enter into an intimate relationship where one person is a Christian and the other is not. The Bible is clear – don’t get unequally yoked.

2. Look for a wife who possesses beauty that is deeper than the skin. It is less important to find a woman whose beauty comes from time spent in front of a beauty parlor than from time spent in the presence of the Lord Jesus.

3. Look for a wife who is an initiative-taker with an attitude of submission. This simply parallels what we said previously about a man being a sacrificial leader. Any wise fellow is looking for a woman with ideas, abilities, hopes, plans, gifts, dreams, the whole panorama of abilities that she brings to marriage, because in entering into marriage in more areas than we are prepared to admit, we, as the husbands, will be dependent upon their knowledge, upon their insight, upon their courage, upon their faith, upon their expertise.
There will seldom be a day, as a man, when we do not have occasion to depend on multiple levels upon the wisdom, insight, initiative, grace, courage, faithfulness, integrity, skill, giftedness, of our wives.

4. A wife should build her husband’s confidence. Trustworthiness stems from character. A woman’s intrinsic qualities are revealed by her actions.

5. Look for a wife who displays kindness that touches others. Women don’t have the exclusive ownership of the characteristic of kindness, but often they do a much better job in expressing compassion than most men. If you think about it, women that have marked our lives have often marked our thinking on account of their tenderness.

6. A wife, like a husband, should have a sense of humor that braves adversity. The ability to laugh will get couples through more than a few rough spots.

To read the transcripts or listen to the rest of the broadcast,
click on the link below:

WHAT SHOULD YOU LOOK FOR IN A MATE

Your bride is God’s gift to you. “She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10) or any other treasure.

• Always treat her like God’s gift.
• Never allow any earthly thing—not a job, not a ministry, not a football game, not another friendship—to take priority over her.

As unlikely as it may seem today, you will have disagreements. Some of them might be loud. But the song of Solomon refers to “little foxes” that ruin the vineyards (Song of Solomon 2:15).

I urge you not to ignore even the smallest disagreements, because left alone, they can wreak havoc on a marriage.
• Keep short accounts with your bride.
• Never walk away while she is crying.
• Never lay a hand on her except in love;
• and “Do not let the sun go down while you are angry” (Ephesians 4:26).

It would probably be best if you don’t try to get inside her head; you’ll just get lost in all the twists and turns in there (it’s not like a man’s head). Instead, concentrate on getting into her heart; try to feel what she’s feeling when she’s feeling it, and you’ll probably end up understanding her much better.
• Simply observe what pleases her and what irritates her and work tirelessly to increase the former and decrease the latter.

The Bible also instructs you to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

• Revel in her. Bask in her smile. Delight in her laughter.
• Spend time with her. Pray with her.
• Soak up her words.
• Keep dating her after the wedding.
• Kiss her often—and long.
• Say “I love you” every day of your life.
• Try never to miss an opportunity to tell her she’s beautiful.
• Do whatever it takes to remember her birthday and your anniversary.
• Save as much money as you can, but never cut corners on gifts …or lingerie!
• Ask her for forgiveness when you need it, and ask her for advice even when you don’t need it.

I charge you also with words from the book of Malachi: “Guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15).
• Build hedges around your marriage.
• Set boundaries that will guard your heart and preserve your integrity and ensure that you never break faith with the wife of your youth.

And finally, remember that the biblical model for a husband is a man who willingly died for His Bride. So I charge you to do as the Bible says and love your wife “just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

• Love her.
• Give yourself up for her.
• Lay down your life—day after day—for her.

Strive always to be the man she deserves,
and you’ll be amazed at how
she remains exactly what you desire.

It’s a wonderfully unique book which goes through each part of the wedding vows (“To Have and to Hold, For Better or for Worse, For Richer, or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, Forsaking All Others, To Love and to Cherish, Till Death Do Us Part”) and tells actual events on each of these subjects about real people—who are choosing to live out the vows they made on their wedding days. We love true stories that we can learn through and this book is packed with them!

Some years ago I was asked to provide a short devotional at a bridal shower. As I pondered what I might say, the concept of the bridal veil came to mind. I made a simple veil from a puffy piece of netting, some white flowers, and lace. When it was time for devotions on the night of the shower, I placed the home-made veil on the head of the bride-to-be and shared a few words of encouragement with her concerning the important step she was able to take.

I reminded her that the bridal veil symbolized her passage from protected innocence to commitment to one special man. As the ceremony begins, the bride belongs to the first man in her life, her father, who proudly escorts her down the aisle. But at the altar he relinquishes her to another man, the groom.

After the pastor pronounces the couple husband and wife, the beaming groom lifts the veil for their first kiss as a married couple. And the bride willingly grants him access to her lips and, “till death do us part,” to her entire life.

I talked about the parallel between the bridal veil and the veil in the tabernacle between the holy place and the holy of holies. For centuries the tabernacle veil separated God from His people except for one day each year when the high priest was allowed to enter to offer sacrifice for himself and the nation of Israel.

But when Christ died on the cross, the veil was torn from top to bottom, symbolizing the complete access we now have to God through Christ. (Matthew 27:51 says, “At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split.”)

Hebrews 10:19-22 says, “Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.”

Similarly, when the bridal veil is lifted, the bride offers to her groom complete access, which was not available to him before they said “I do.”

As I concluded my talk, I lifted the veil and said,

“Ruthie, when your new husband lifts this veil on your wedding day, remember that you gave him permission to do so. Through your marriage commitment you grant him total and permanent access to your life, emotionally and physically.

As your marriage goes on, there will be times when even you won’t want to share something with your husband or when an argument disrupts your relationship. You will be tempted to pull down the veil and separate yourself from him. Don’t do it. Once the veil is lifted, it is gone forever. You are totally his.”

Then I gave Ruthie a small, square piece of netting to slip into her Bible as a reminder of the lesson of the lifted veil.

Whether you wear a veil on your wedding day or not, I invite you to consider its symbolism in your relationship to your husband. Through your marriage vows you and your husband become one. On that precious day, you grant him complete access to your life.

Next to your relationship with God, nurturing your relationship with that one special man is the most important responsibility you’ll have.

As Elisabeth Elliot says about this book,

“For a woman to stay home in America today takes the courage to face rude questions, criticism, even ostracism at times. It usually takes a willingness on the part of both her and her husband to make material sacrifices. The conviction that this is the course God wants her to follow will give the needed courage. It is my prayer that many readers will be strengthened in their convictions, and that many more will gain a new perspective hitherto undreamed of, not merely of the importance but of the glory of full-time mothering.”

Still, as wonderful and beautiful as your wedding is, it’s only one day …and a wedding does not make a marriage. If you are going to be what Scripture calls a “wife of noble character” (Proverbs 31:10), it’s going to take a daily commitment—a daily decision to renew your vows to your groom.

Remember that marriages—even those made in heaven—are not perfect, and neither is the groom! There will be times when your husband will perplex, anger and irritate you. There will be days when dirty socks on the floor, lack of communication and puzzling priorities make you want to put him out on Tuesday with the trash. But those are the times when a “wife of noble character” will prove herself.

Those are the times when, if you would be fully loved, you must love him fully, because it is when your love is challenged the most that it will shine the brightest.

Speaking of that, I urge you not to shoot for perfection in your marriage; instead, shoot for intimacy. And the only way to be intimate with another person is to be vulnerable about who you are, what you think and what you feel. Let it always be the real you that your husband is in love with and not some variation or imitation.

Also, keep in mind that marriage is not a due; it is a trio. Therefore, show yourself to be a woman of God in everything you do. After all, this is one of the reasons your groom chose you in the first place, and you can do nothing better to strengthen and preserve your marriage than to remember that “charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).

Seek out older women to mentor you, as the Bible commands in Titus 2:3-5. Look for godly women who have solid marriages and learn from them.

I advise you to make your mother-in-law your best friend. No woman on earth knows your groom any better than she does, and that’s wisdom that can’t be bought for any amount of money.

And be sensitive to your parents too, as they adjust—not so much to your groom, but to their daughter as a wife! The Bible is clear that you and your new husband must truly and completely leave your parents and cleave to each other, but that won’t always be an easy process for your mom and dad. Help them through it, even as you make sure that your groom is always your top priority.

And finally, don’t ever ask yourself, “How can I get more out of my marriage?” or even, “How can my husband get more out of our marriage?” Ask, “How can God get more glory from our marriage?”

With that kind of attitude, the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of the glory God bestows on your marriage. And your husband will arise and call you blessed, saying, “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all” (Proverbs 31:29).

It’s a wonderfully unique book which goes through each part of the wedding vows (“To Have and to Hold, For Better or for Worse, For Richer, or for Poorer, In Sickness and in Health, Forsaking All Others, To Love and to Cherish, Till Death Do Us Part”) and tells actual events on each of these subjects about real people—who are choosing to live out the vows they made on their wedding days. We love true stories that we can learn through and this book is packed with them!

Here are a few of the myths that you MAY or may not be embracing at this time:

Myth #1: After marriage, my relationship with his parents will be the same as when we were dating.

Myth #2: Once we get married, my wife and I will be free of our parents’ control.

Myth #3: Even though I don’t like my in-laws now, I’ll feel more like loving them after the marriage.

Myth #4: I won’t have to deal with my in-laws much after the wedding.

Myth #5: My in-laws will be totally annoying, intrusive people who will attempt to ruin my marriage.

So, what are some of the realities that one should consider to combat these myths? To read about them, please click onto the web site link provided below on the TroubledWith.com web site:

The Myths and Realities of In Law Relationships

In addition, we found an article that may help those of you who are considering marrying someone with an Eastern Religious background. There are some special considerations you need to keep in mind as far as how you will deal with in-law relationships. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

HARMONY BETWEEN THE IN-LAWS

To read another article on future In Law relationships which appears on the web site TroubledWith.com click on the link below:

Your New Family

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

First, being married will not eradicate problems with our parents. They will continue to play a role in our lives whether we are married or not. When we are bitter toward our parents, we continue to be adversely affected because of our emotional focus is on the injury (real or imagined) we have incurred from them.

The Bible teaches us to “leave father and mother” so that we may “cleave” to our spouse (Genesis 2:24). But when we are bitter, we are unable to break away from the negative emotional focus, and this brings a negative influence into the marriage. Forgiveness, not anger and withdrawal, is the way to become liberated from this kind of negative emotional focus. Couples should help each other resolve this kind of bitterness before marriage if possible.

Second, we have to learn to deal maturely with parental manipulation or other wrongful influence even after marriage. Marriage will not magically change this kind of parental behavior, especially when children enter the picture. The more we have learned to lovingly counter manipulation while unmarried, the easier it will be to do so in marriage. Couples should also help each other relate to their parents prior to marriage, co that as a couple they have already established loving, righteous ways of dealing with their extended families.

Most parents want what is best for their children, even thought we may disagree with them on what “best” is. Because of their legitimate concern for our well-being, and because they know us so well, any caution or objection they offer to our marriage plans should be seriously considered. Open discussion of the reasons for their concern demonstrates both respect and wisdom. In many cases, their concern is valid and helpful in forging successful marriages.

Some people think parental permission is not only desirable but necessary before marriage can be considered within God’s will. This position seems unwarranted. The passages used to argue this point are often addressed to tekna (“Children [tekna] obey your parents…” Ephesians 6:1). Surely, although young children should obey their parents, this passage probably is not teaching that we must obey our parents throughout our lives.

Other passages merely call for us to show honor to parents. (See Exodus 20:12.) In any event, whatever obedience may be due to parents by adult Christians is not unconditional but contingent on other factors, as with all obedience to human authority. (Compare Romans 13:1 with Acts 5:29.)

Some atheistic or Muslim parents, for example, would never consent to a Christian marriage. Gaining the approval of parents for marriage plans is a value that we should pursue but is not necessarily a prerequisite for marriage. A new couple will certainly benefit if they find a way to gain their parents’ approval for marriage.

What’s especially unfortunate about this is that they have even more information in this book that could help those who are contemplating marriages as well as those who are married. So, if you’re able to find a copy of this book somewhere we recommend that you get it.

The following article was prompted by a letter we received here at Marriage Missions. We have edited the letter and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer. (Following this letter and my response, we will include a few web site links to additional articles with differing approaches:

I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart, which I personally feel is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together and I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.

It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages—more so if the man is younger that the woman.

I really look forward to hearing about this from you. There are many people that could benefit from reading about this aspect of marriage especially when choosing a partner.

Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned:

You make several excellent points in your letter about the barrier that age differences cause. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner in emotionally separating married couples more than it looks like it should when you view it from a spiritual standpoint.

But unfortunately, we live in the day and age where divorce is becoming such a common way for couples to resolve differences that seem too difficult to bridge. For that reason we have to be all the more cautious when we advise couples who are entering into marriage. That’s probably why it’s almost impossible to find articles for couples considering marriage (where there is a big age difference) which will put a positive spin on it because too often it eventually causes divisive problems in marital relationships. (Not in all cases but in enough of them that it’s something to be concerned about.)

The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But later on in life when the couple gets progressively older it becomes more of a problem because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues that the younger spouse often finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.

And in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the energy and desire that our sons have to do certain things (because of their younger stage of life) and I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse (or if it was my husband who had a younger spouse) this would have to be dealt with—and it would definitely cause its share of problems.

Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, to show how His grace is sufficient to sustain unconditional loving, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!

But to be truthful, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I would greatly caution any couple that is contemplating marriage (where there is a large age gap). They need to look very carefully and prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could most likely bring to challenge their love and commitment to live out the rest of their lives with each other (and still “finish well” as Marriage Message #191 discusses).

Deciding during the courtship stage, not to marry because of the stress their age gap would bring into their marriage, can be a wise decision to make. They have to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.

I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine and they have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be very, VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush and that they’ve considered the possible “costs” involved up front so they’re willing to work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)

Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying but true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.

According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy” others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!

Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing a lot sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things (because of the complications their age may bring with it) when you feel a need that they do so.

Love also “is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off dancing or socializing together can happen to even younger couples, but it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, we want to note here that there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)

As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.

The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower” and how important it is for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it otherwise they set themselves up for ridicule when they begin to build something they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war who needs to “consider” if he is able to fight with the soldiers he has against all obstacles because if he can’t he needs to reconsider.

Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do and if not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage—not afterwards.

Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply stress one or the other marital partner and strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation that could come into your lives together work to the glory of God, I’d really advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be too important of a fact for us to ignore as well, in what marriage is supposed to be all about from God’s kingdom standpoint!

As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),

“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”

I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation but this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.

PLEASE NOTE: Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages, where there is a large difference in ages, DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t ever want those who are in this type of situation who are considering marrying to back away because a marriage like this would be hopeless in working — because that would be untrue. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!

But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you have the opportunity to be better prepared ahead of time because you were fore-warned, it could definitely work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t take the proper equipment or you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.

But on the other hand, if you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you (or your partner) really aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey” could thrust upon you in the long-run, you would be foolish to proceed. We want you to prayerfully consider if you’re in one type of situation or the other because a wrong decision could bring devastating results.

Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time all we need to so we go into this very important commitment prepared as best we can — or stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.

For additional information, below are links to articles that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process. Please click onto the links below to read:

•  UNDERSTANDING AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS

• [DON'T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)

• [DON'T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)

We are not trying to convince you that marrying someone from another culture is right or wrong. That is something you will have to determine for yourself. But the Word does say that a wise man calculates the cost before beginning construction on a house. Hopefully this will help you consider the cost of cross-cultural marriage.

Marrying someone from another culture [could] mean that one of you will be living outside of your home nation permanently—which means that you will not be able to see your family very often. That means your children will see very little of one set of parents (their grandparents).

[The following are a few questions to ask yourselves before you go any further in considering marrying someone from another culture.]

• Are you willing for your children to not really know your parents?

Not only will your children not have the opportunity to know one set of grandparents very well, if there is a language barrier, one set of parents will not be able to really communicate well with your children.

• Are you willing for your family members to not be able communicate well with your children?

Marrying someone from another culture means that you will have a hard time understanding each other’s humor. Things that are funny to one will not be funny to the other. You will have to explain the humor to one another. (Example: Jokes from TV shows, childhood games, comic strips)

• Are you willing to take the time to explain why something is funny to you?

• Have you considered that you might get tired of having to explain jokes to one another?

• Are you ready to just accept the fact that you won’t be able to share each other’s humor?

Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you will not be experiencing your cultural traditions and/or national celebrations.

• Are you willing to let go of some of your traditions and celebrations?

Marrying someone from another culture means that one of you must be willing to not give your children the cultural traditions and national heritage that you have.

• Are you willing for your children to grow up with a different set of family traditions than your own?

You need to be aware that the day may come when you may need to move to your spouse’s home country.

• Are you willing to live in your spouse’s home country indefinitely?

You may need to consider that the socioeconomic class one holds in one culture, may not cross over in another culture. For example, a well educated man from Latin America may not receive the same respect he enjoys if he lived in the United States or Australia.

• Are you willing to lose your place in society?

• Have you considered how both of your cultures view cross cultural marriages? Light skinned people marrying dark skinned people may be perfectly OK in Venezuela, but frowned upon in S. Korea.

• Are you willing to face the possibility of being prejudiced against because of your spouse’s nationality or color?

Growing up in another culture means that the gender role models for your children may not be what you would consider to be good role models. (Example: Machismo in Latin America, outspokenness in American women)

• Are you willing for your children to grow up with gender role models you don’t approve of?

You may need to consider the effect of the “home court advantage” on your marriage. If a foreign man marries an American woman and they live in the United States, she would be cast in the leadership role in some aspects of their relationship. (She would better understand the language and protocol of the nation) Whereas if they lived in his nation, he would be able to lead out more effectively in their marriage.

• Have you considered how the “home court advantage” may affect your marriage relationship?

Probably one of the biggest assumptions made within marriage is that the way we do things is the correct way. After all, “My family has always done it this way and it works quite well.” This same assumption is found within intercultural marriages, but it’s magnified.

Assumptions about how we live come with each culture. All of our life experiences through family and cultural background teach us how to deal with life’s challenges. Within an intercultural marriage, many different assumptions will surface over time. We will formulate our opinions and make judgments based upon our world views. Initially, these judgments will be external or on the surface. In time, all of the internal areas will be exposed also. Often, this is how we begin to formulate our own prejudice against other cultures.

For example, there are banks in the United States and there are banks in New Zealand. Both banks serve a similar function, but in New Zealand you do not sign your checks to be cashed. Deposit slips are completed very differently as well. In the United States, one banking company will not cash another’s check unless you have an account with them. In New Zealand, the banks tend to work together. Neither banking system is wrong; however, to the spouse encountering a new and unfamiliar system, it may be a challenge. Then tendency to think, “The way we did it in my country was better,” will emerge quickly and frequently. Will we recognize it or try to hide it? This is the critical issue.

Another example of differences to think about is the medical arena. Medical services differ greatly from country to country. One country may have a national medicine provision,while other countries have very few doctors and distant or poor services. The United States has medical technology that many countries do not have, but it has a higher cost and a system that requires individuals to pay their own bills instead of the government. Will this present a problem for you? Consider this important medical question: Where will your children be born and why do you feel the way you do about this?

Other assumptions may be made in such areas as home decorating, the way money is handled, unfamiliar types of entertainment, differing degrees of acceptable openness in personal sharing, different understandings of extended family relationships, the celebration of unfamiliar holidays, differing views of romanticism, the use of free time and vacations and even the way children receive their educations. These areas are not meant to be all inclusive, but to give you a general idea about the assumptions we all have and would need to face in the event of an intercultural marriage.

Some of the negatives discovered by couples who are interculturally married can be quite varied. One wife confessed that her way of doing certain things drew a negative response from her spouse. For example, the way dishes are washed, the care of clothing or how the children are disciplined often varies from culture to culture. Marrying someone from an underdeveloped country and then bringing that person to the States may be shocking. The prosperity of North America can be incomprehensible. Likewise, the lack of what others may view as essentials can be equally shocking.

Feeling as though you are expected to be like the wives or husbands of the culture you married into can be a monumental hurdle to cross. cultural and social norms may be so diametrically opposed to your country of origin that you become emotionally confused. And inability to understand the perceived role is difficult enough, without the fact that you may not agree with the traditions.

Caution 1: Know Each Other’s Culture! With each of the couples we interviewed, several cautions kept emerging. One of the strongest was knowing each other’s culture. If at all possible, spend some time living in that culture before marriage. The minimum amount of time suggested was 2 or 3 months. While visiting your fiancé’s country of origin, it would be important to live with a local family as well as your fiancé’s family. This would enable you to experience firsthand the relationship differences within the family.

A word of caution: While you are picking up certain nuances, don’t think that all families of this culture operate this way. It would be like saying all North American or European families function in a similar way.

Caution 2: Be Accountable. The second area of strong concern communicated by various couples interviewed was being sure that you are called together. “There is a tendency not to listen to people and the concerns they express about your possibility of marrying someone of a different culture,” one spouse said. “It’s easy to begin thinking, ‘It’s us against them,’ and close yourselves to some very valuable input, confrontation and honest hesitation provoked by these loved ones.”

In time, the goal can become a desire to beat the odds, prove the hesitant ones wrong and press on ignorantly in order to make your point. Decide to be very accountable to your pastor, your parents and to those relationships you value. Listen to them. Do not shut them out and react by drawing closer to your fiance. Weigh their concerns and think through their questions.

Caution 3: Know What Both Cultures Value. In North American culture, there is a tendency to value things. In many other countries the tendency is to value extended family, the elderly, hospitality—a “what’s mine is yours” type of mentality. People become the primary concern; consequently, what people think of you is important. One husband mentioned that his culture is more formal and conservative, especially in dress. “My wife,” he explained, “is much more casual. In my country I wear long-sleeved dress shirts. They must be clean and pressed or people will judge my spouse as a lazy wife.”

Caution 4: Identify Adaptation Versus Core Value Changes. The final strong note of caution resulting from our survey concerned being aware of the difference between behavioral modification or adaptation and core value changes. It is possible, for example, for a Middle Eastern man to adapt behaviorally to U.S. culture and look like he is, indeed, fitting into it. His core values may not have changed; he is simply conforming on the outside to the expectations of others. Because there is no inward change, this same man in his country of origin would look like, sound like and think like a Middle Easterner.

Why? In his thinking he has not lied or deceived—just adapted. He can now be who he really is and perform according to what he has been taught by his family and culture. His unsuspecting wife finds herself living with a man whom she feels has made a radical about-face. She may feel trapped in a country and a culture with an unfamiliar person whom she thought she knew.

Accept and Appreciate Differences: Whether or not the values mentioned above are biblical is not the point, even though there will be times you may feel quite ready to argue that the way your culture did things is biblical. The point is that cultural differences exist, and you will be forced to face some of those mentioned and many that are not mentioned. If you choose to marry interculturally, you will need to learn to face cultural differences as a reality and not deny them.

Accepting and appreciating as many of the differences as you can will serve to enhance the marriage relationship. This experience is not to be viewed as all negative. The differences are something to embrace and value in one another. No two persons think alike or value the same things. You will need to give one another the freedom to be who you are and allow the Holy Spirit to mold the two cultures together. Rejoicing in the richness of your varied inheritances and learning from both is to be a joyous experience.

The above article can be found in the book, “Called Together” by Steve and Mary Prokopchak, published by House to House Publications. This book asks the difficult questions that all couples must answer before and after they say “I do.”

We were only able to use a portion of the excellent material that was offered in this chapter. Not only do the authors have some insightful illustrations that are very helpful for better understanding these concepts on intercultural differences they also have several sections of questions to ask each other that will help bridge the gap.

If you’re facing this situation we really recommend purchasing this book. It also supplies other down-to-earth advice and biblical wisdom and post marital checkups on communication, sexual relations, emotional needs, goal setting, budgeting and forgiveness, plus addressing the challenges of remarriage and senior adult remarriage.

This is not an easy question to answer for several reasons:

• Sharing your past mistakes and sins may lead to shame-filled, painful moments between you as a couple.

• It may mean confessing a previously told lie to your fiancé.

• It may mean reliving incidents you’d rather not remember.

• It may result in a broken engagement.

You may be tempted to avoid sharing anything from your past; after all, as a Christian your sins are forgiven at the Cross, and the Bible says there is “no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

While these things are true spiritually in our relationship with God, there are consequences of past sins that need to be honestly dealt with as a couple moves toward marriage. While you do not need to share every detail (as will be explained later), you cannot avoid the fact that your life has been shaped by your choices. If you and your fiancé desire to make a solid decision about marriage, you need to be honest with each other and deal with your pasts. It is better to speak the truth prior to your marriage than to live with the fear, deceit and shame that comes from hiding the truth from your mate.

There is one other benefit to sharing your past. True healing can occur when you confess your sins to one another. God can use marriage to heal individuals from past hurts that have haunted them for years. This is especially true when dealing with sexual immorality in the past. Many men and women have found forgiveness, grace and liberty by confessing these scaring circumstances to their would-be spouses.

These are not easy issues to discuss. And there are no cookie-cutter solutions to what you may be struggling with. In an effort to guide those who are struggling with knowing what to do and how to go about it, here are a few principles and perspectives:

FOR THE PERSON WHO IS BURDENED WITH SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE SHARED:

1. Write out a list of all that you are feeling a need to share with your fiancé. This might include events, choices or hurts you’ve experienced. While you don’t need to go into great detail, be sure to mention anything that you know will affect your relationship today (specific problems such as physical/emotional abuse, sexually transmitted diseases, etc.).

2. Once you’ve completed your list, make sure you’ve experienced God’s forgiveness and cleansing for everything you’ve written. If you haven’t, spend some time in prayer, repenting and confessing your sin. You will experience God’s forgiveness on the basis of 1 John 1:9 that tells us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

3. Determine which items on your list you should discuss with your fiancé, and why. If you have doubts about any items, make sure you seek wise and godly counsel before talking with your fiancé. Another person’s compassionate listening ear and prayerful concern can guide you before and after you marry.

4. Set a time and place to share with your fiancé. Choose a private setting where you’re both free to express your emotions.

5. Before you meet, pray that your fiancé will have the strength and grace to respond in a loving manner. But don’t go into the meeting expecting immediate forgiveness; your fiancé may need time to work through emotions and think about what he or she has heard from you.

6. As you talk with your fiancé, explain why you think it’s important to share these choices from your past, but avoid sharing more than is necessary. Be careful about sharing too many explicit details, as this can become a problem later in your marriage. By going into too much detail, you may give the one you love too much of the picture. Avoid morbid curiosity.

7. Give your fiancé the time he or she needs to process this new information. This process may include hurt, anger or withdrawal.

8. If it becomes apparent that either of you cannot get beyond the hurt from what has been shared, seek wise counsel together or individually. If forgiveness and reconciliation cannot occur at this point, then we suggest delaying the wedding or breaking the engagement. If God is calling you to marriage, then His perfect love will be manifested in your hearts for one another. And His Word tells us, “Perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18).

FOR THE ONE HEARING THE CONFESSION:

If you find yourself in the situation where your fiancé is confessing something from the past to you, be encouraged by three things:

1. Listen carefully to what your fiancé is sharing. Ask yourself, “Why did he/she come to me with this? Look beyond the past and its ugliness to the broken heart that is sharing.

2. Consider your own condition before God—a sinner saved by grace. There is another reason why sharing the past is so difficult: We are all flawed as humans. Because we don’t love perfectly and we pridefully believe that we deserve perfection, we can be tempted to condemn another for a past failure, whereas God calls us to forgive one another. Remember how much He has forgiven you!

For example: If you have maintained your virginity, you may find yourself engaged to someone who has not. Often the one who is a virgin finds it very difficult to forgive and move beyond the fiancé’s failure. Interestingly, young men who have kept their virginity have a much more difficult time forgiving.

3. While you may legitimately decide that, given this new information about your fiancé, marriage is not wise, don’t let pride prevent you from responding with love and forgiveness when your fiancé is willing to share the mistakes from the past.

A Final Note: After you marry, it will be very important that neither of you use the things you learn here as ammunition in an argument. Forgiveness is an essential part of marriage and when we forgive, we give up the right to punish.

There is so much more to this chapter (and this book) that we wish we could share with you because it could be VERY helpful to those who are considering marriage. We hope you can find a way to obtain this book so you’re able to read what they have on this and other subjects. The above article was actually a “Bonus” to the chapter titled, “Intimacy: Sexual Communication in Marriage.”

This book contains six main sessions which is geared to help couples interact with each other. The sessions include: Why Marriage? (to discover that marriage is God’s idea and how that fact affects the relationship between a husband and wife), God’s Equation for Marriage: When One Plus One Equals One (to see how God’s plan for marriage involves receiving your mate, leaving your dependence and allegiance to parents), and Authentic Communication: Avoiding the Post-Wedding Letdown (to learn the important aspects of listening, expressing yourselves, and resolving conflicts). It also includes, Roles and Responsibilities Moving Beyond the Cultural Stereotypes (to learn the biblical roles for husbands and wives), Money, Money, Money (to discover how to base your financial goals and decisions on the fact that God owns everything and we are stewards), and Intimacy: Sexual Communication in Marriage (to learn that sex is part of God’s plan to develop complete physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy), plus a Bonus: The Past: How Much Do I Share?

There are so many great aspects to this workbook. They include: “opportunities to answer questions and complete activities that allow you to grasp the topic and understand why it’s important for you,” a “Bible discovery section of each chapter where you examine and discuss biblical truths to learn God’s principles on different aspects of marriage,” “a list of summary statements of the key principles from each session,” interaction portions of each session which include questions to guide your discussion, opportunities to pray together and “experience a spiritual discipline that will be one of the keys to your growing marriage in the years to come,” “optional assignments for the highly motivated—those who want to go where no engaged couple has gone before”, “questions for those who were previously married,” plus “bonus projects designed to help you deepen your experience as you work through the course.”

We HIGHLY recommend that you find a way to obtain this workbook. They even have a companion guide for Marriage Leaders, Pastors, Counselors, and Mentor Couples” which you can be obtained for those who want to help. If you can’t find the books at a local Christian bookstore, you can obtain them at www.familylife.com.

The Prince was deeply in debt for the beautiful 4-bedroom castle and the new 6-horse chariot he had financed at high interest rates. The Princess was still paying for her school loans to Princess University and had racked up a lot of credit card debt while buying all the new clothes and accessories she had worn to the Prince’s ball.

It took all of their money to pay all the bills, and after a year or so, they began fighting over their increasing mound of debt. The Prince wanted to buy a new flat panel TV for the den, while the Princess wanted to go to Hawaii on vacation, and both of their parents were pressuring them for grandchildren.

It wasn’t long before the Prince started spending more time at work and with his friends while the Princess spent more and more money decorating the castle to keep up with the Joneses. Arguments, bitterness, and silence followed. Finally, the Prince filed for divorce. He got the chariots, she got the castle, and they lived unhappily ever after.

Seems a little ridiculous, doesn’t it? Yet, for more and more young couples, this fairy tale is more reality than fantasy…

Almost half of all new marriages in the US end in divorce. And financial problems are frequently cited as one of the main causes for divorce.¹ These statistics have been broadcast for a while, but marriages are still ending day after day. What kind of financial problems are leading to marital breakdowns and what can be done about it?

One of the most dangerous financial problems is debt. Most young couples come into the marriage carrying their own debt loads, and the debt only increases within the first few years of marriage. Many couples must acquire a place to live, and for most of them, this means buying a home.

Add to this debt automobile payments, furniture and appliances for the home, entertainment, vacations, clothing, and the list goes on. Loans from higher education are often added to this load, as well as medical bills. Having children also adds a whole new dimension of debt and financial burdens. It is easy to see why financial problems can be the major focus of stress and unhappiness in young marriages.

A recent study showed that debt brought into marriage was the number one problem area for newlyweds.² It is true that the first few years of marriage can be the most trying and difficult, and getting settled into life together takes work. Yet, so many couples start out their marriages with the odds stacked against them because instead of focusing on growing together as a couple, they are focused on financial survival.

Paying the bills is more important than paying attention to each other. Their increasing debt causes decreases in communication, resulting in couples growing apart and being unsatisfied with their marriage relationship. Many of these marriages end in divorce.

What can be done to save these marriages? The most obvious solution, of course, is not to carry any debt going into marriage. Many people are choosing to wait for marriage until they have paid down some of their debt or paid it off all together. Not going into debt in the first place would be the ideal situation. However, these ideas are not practical for everyone.

If you do find yourself carrying a debt load and anticipating marriage, try to minimize the debt as much as possible. Consider down-sizing your car to get out of a car payment. Or perhaps only having one car after you are married would help. Car pooling or taking public transportation is an option for many.

Taking on a temporary second job is a way to make extra money to put exclusively toward debt repayment. Look for other ways to cut back on expenses, such as using coupons for groceries, eating out less frequently and cooking at home, buying clothing at used clothing stores or shopping for sales. Reconsider your cable, internet, and cell phone needs. Could you get by with lesser services for a short period of time in order to pay off debt? The more you can do now to pay down debt, the better off you will be later.

One very important way to decrease debt load is to not go into debt to pay for the wedding! A wedding can be beautiful, special, and memorable without being outrageously expensive. Look past this one, single day to the future and decide whether your wedding day or your marriage is more important. Find creative ways to lower your costs on flowers, food, clothing, and more.

Once you are married, don’t try to accumulate in one year what it took your parents thirty years to accumulate. It is perfectly acceptable to rent a small apartment or home for a little while. Buying the large, family-friendly home can wait until you have a family. Used furniture and appliances are also acceptable and a lot less expensive. Be sure to communicate with your spouse about each other’s debts before getting married, and start working on a budget together. Work out a plan to pay off the debts as soon as possible and stick to it! Instead of pulling you apart, working together towards a goal of debt-free living can actually bring you closer together.

And then you really can live happily ever after!

Working Together for Your Family

God designed marriage to be the cornerstone of a healthy family. With credit card debt at an all-time high and the average couple spending 10 percent more than they’re actually making, it’s no surprise that financial strain now tops the charts as the leading cause of divorce and marital conflict. That’s why Focus on the Family® and Crown Financial Ministries have joined together to provide the resources you need to build a solid financial future-and a stronger marriage. There’s never been a more important time to make such a valuable investment in your family.

If you would like to learn more about marriage and money,
go to www.marriageandmoney.org.

***

¹ Benjamin, M. (2001). Money and mediation: Patterns of conflict in family mediation of financial matters. Mediation Quarterly, 18, 349-361.

² Schramm, D. G., Marshall, J. P., Harris, V. W., & Lee, T. R. (2004). After “I do”: Marital satisfaction, marital adjustment, and problem areas during the first few months of marriage. Unpublished manuscript.

We can hardly recommend this ministry highly enough. They have many wonderful resources available to help you get on the best footing financially in your marriage. They also have a wide-spread International outreach into many countries. Please check to see if they have help for your marriage in their country.

Guard your relationship against erosion as though you were defending your very lives. Yes, you can make it together. Not only can you survive, but you can keep your love alive if you give it priority in your system of values.

Any one of the following evils can rip apart your relationship if given a place in your lives:

• Over-commitment and physical exhaustion. Beware of this danger. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriage falls apart. Why wouldn’t it? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! It is especially dangerous to have the husband vastly over committed and the wife staying home with a preschooler. Her profound loneliness builds discontent and depression; we all know where that leads. You must reserve time for one another if you want to keep your love alive.

• Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent. Pay cash for consumable items, or don’t buy. Don’t spend more for a house or car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.

• There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. There will be friction, however, for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of six weeks. In short, selfishness will devastate a marriage every time.

• Interference from in-laws. If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers (and fathers) to grant’ close proximity is built for trouble.

• Unrealistic expectations. Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, uninterrupted joy. Counselor Jean Lush believes, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of delivering. The consequent disappointment is an emotional trap. Bring your expectations in line with reality.

• Space invaders. I am not referring to aliens from the planet Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the breathing room needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way this manifests itself. Another is low self-esteem, which leads the insecure spouse to trample the territory of the other. Love must be free and it must be confident.

• Alcohol or substance abuse. These are killers, not only of marriages, but also of people. Avoid them like the plague.

• Pornography, gambling and other addictions. It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory stage, people think they can play with enticements such as pornography or gambling and not get hurt. Indeed, many do walk away unaffected. For some, however, there is a weakness that is unknown until too late. Then they become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the family.

This warning may seem foolish to my readers, but I’ve made a 25-year study of those who wreck their lives. Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known evil and ultimately end in death —or the death of a marriage. The restrictions and commandments of Scriptures were designed to protect us from evil, though it is difficult to believe when we are young. “The wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). If we keep our lives clean and do not permit ourselves to toy with evil, the addictions that have ravaged humanity can never touch us.

• Sexual frustration, loneliness, low self-esteem and the greener grass of infidelity. These are a deadly combination!

• Business failure. It does bad things to men, especially. Their agitation over financial reverses sometimes sublimates to anger within the family.

• Business success. It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably in business. The writer of Proverbs said, “Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread” (30:8).

• Getting married too young. Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19 years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s. The pressures of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.

These are the marriage killers I’ve seen most often. But in truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in your sidewalk. If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together.

How will you beat the odds? How will you build a solid relationship that will last until death takes you across the great divide? How will you include yourselves among that dwindling number of older couples who have garnered a lifetime of happy memories and experiences? Even after 50 or 60 years, they still look to one another for encouragement and understanding. Their children have grown up in a stable and loving environment and have no ugly scars or bitter memories to erase. Their grandchildren need not be told, delicately, why “Nana and Papa don’t live together anymore.” Only love prevails.

That is the way God intended it to be, it is still possible for you to achieve. But there is no time to lose. Reinforce the river banks. Bring in the dredges and deepen the bed. Keep the powerful currents in their proper channels. Only that measure of determination will preserve the love with which you began, there is very little in life that competes with that priority.

This article was edited from the classic book Love for a Lifetime: Building a Marriage That Will Go the Distance by James C. Dobson (founder of the ministry Focus on the Family), published by Multnomah Gifts. This book is for every man, woman, or couple who wants to strengthen the foundation and/or celebrate the success of their marriage relationship. And it’s ideal for gift-giving —not only to couples celebrating their anniversary, but to newlyweds, married couples, men and women who are engaged, and any couple who want to enhance their marriage.

For additional pre-marriage advice visit the web site, www.troublewith.com which is put together by the wonderful ministry of Focus on the Family. They have several sections that provide some great articles to read. Some of them being “Getting Married,” “Sex Before Marriage,” and “Living Together” to name a few.

And what’s also tragic is that the marriage of a child of divorce has a slimmer chance of surviving divorce themselves than those who never experienced divorce in their family.

So, does that mean that their marriage is “doomed” from succeeding? No! But what it does mean is that they need to be even more careful than someone who wasn’t a childhood victim of having this happen to them.

To help on this subject we encourage you to read an article on this subject titled, “Stopping the Cycle: Entering Marriage As a Child of Divorce,” written by Glen Hoos. It was originally posted on the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today www.familylife.com. — although with the recent update of their web site, this article was not included.

For that reason, we have posted a copy of this article for you below:

So you’re getting married! Congratulations!

According to the latest research, if you are under the age of 30, there is a 58% chance that you are entering your marriage as a child of divorce. Do you fall into this category?

If you’re wondering what on earth that has to do with the fact that you are getting married, you need to know this: adult children of divorce are much more likely to get divorced themselves than are those who grew up in traditional families. Generally, people whose parents divorced are less optimistic about their own chances for marital bliss, and find it more difficult to fully trust their spouse.

Wait! Before you click over to a more cheerful article, let me assure you that I am not trying to rain on your parade! As a child of divorce myself, I can testify that you can have an incredible marriage, regardless of what the stats say. But you do need to be aware that you are starting at a disadvantage if you have not seen a model of a successful marriage.

At one time I had a very pessimistic view of my own chances for a good marriage. I have so much of both my parents in me, and I feared I was doomed to repeat their mistakes. I learned, though, that history does not have to repeat itself. You can be the one to stop the cycle of divorce and begin a new legacy in your family: one of happiness and harmony. Here are a few ideas to help you in the process.

1. Make Peace With Your Past
When I first became engaged to my wife, I was not on good terms with my father. In fact, we hadn’t spoken in over six months. I didn’t feel I could get married until I had closed the door on my childhood by restoring my relationship with him. Marriage is difficult enough without bringing those kinds of problems in with you.

Some of your relationships may require a much deeper healing than my problems with my dad. We were able to be reconciled, and we now enjoy a vastly improved relationship. Whether or not this is possible for you, make the effort to make peace with your past. Then you will truly be able to make a fresh start with your new spouse.

2. Remember: You Are Not Your Parents!
I mentioned that I worried about repeating the mistakes of my parents. I was well aware of the cycle of divorce, and sometimes it seemed almost inevitable that I would someday succumb to it. But I learned a very valuable lesson: I am not my parents! Sure, we share many of the same strengths and weaknesses, but I have the power to make different decisions.

The real turning point came when I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I now have His power transforming my character, enabling me to make good decisions, and helping me to love my wife. He has brought me through my past and into a much brighter future.

3. Remember: Your Spouse Is Not Your Parents, Either!
On the flip side, it is also very easy to begin to equate our new spouse with our parents. We keep one eye on them at all times, expecting them to commit our parents’ mistakes at any moment. Just like the previous point, this is rooted in our disbelief that a happy marriage is possible. If it’s not me that will mess it up, it will be my spouse!

This is not a good foundation for a successful marriage. One of the essential building blocks of a happy marriage is trust. Just as you are not doomed to repeat your parents’ failures, neither is your spouse. Rather than worrying about what the future holds, pray that God will make you both the kind of spouses that He wants you to be.

4. Learn From Your Past
It’s been said that those who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it. If you don’t want to repeat the mistakes of your parents, learn from them! Where did they go wrong? What decisions, behaviors and beliefs led them down the path of divorce? What protections can you build into your marriage to ensure that you don’t go down that road?

You can also look for good role models. Is there someone you know who has the kind of marriage that you want to have? Maybe it’s your spouse’s parents, a friend or another relative. Observe how they interact, and ask them what their secret is. It is always a good idea to draw on the wisdom of others.

5. Build A Better Future
Your past shouldn’t dictate who you are, but it should impact who you become. When dealing with past hurts there are two temptations: to wallow in them, or to bury them. In the first case, we get stuck in the past and find ourselves unable to move on. In the latter, we deny the events ever happened and miss out on the learning experience.

The Bible tells us, “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us” (Rom. 5:3-4). There is no doubt that your parents’ divorce has caused you to suffer. The key is to allow God to use that suffering to shape your character and to give you hope: hope for a brighter future and a blissful marriage!

You can do this by giving God control over your life and marriage. Pray this prayer and allow God to transform your hurts into hope.

Dear God, thank You for being with me as I went through my parents’ divorce. And thank You for Your promise that You will use this experience to bring about good in my life. I give You control of my life and I pray that You will cause me to grow into the person and the spouse that You want me to be. Help us to break the cycle of divorce and start a new legacy of hope for our family. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Pastor Nelson was interviewed a while back on the radio broadcast for the ministry of Family Life Today www.familylife.com, aired in with Dennis Rainey. It was a terrific interview —very helpful for those who are considering marriage. Below we’ve glean the five main points Tommy gave in his talk to a group of unmarried students and adults.

This will give you a little “flavor” for what Tommy has to say. But he had to say a whole lot more that we didn’t include in this short article. So at the bottom of the page we have the links set up, for you to click into, which will take you to the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today so you can make the choice to either listen to the rest of the interview (if your computer has sound capability) and/or to read the transcripts from the interview.

We really encourage you to do so because we think you’ll both enjoy listening to (or reading) what Tommy Nelson has to say and will learn at the same time. Here’s a preview of the interview:

I’m going to give you five things. I have watched marriages, I have counseled them, I’ve taught the Song of Solomon for years, I’ve worked in the pastorate now for almost 30 years, and I’ve seen them come, and I’ve seen them go. …If I was an atheist, I’d still give you these same five things, because I’ve watched them take place in couples.

Number one: there has to be a theological unity. You and your future husband, you and your future wife, have to be on the same page on who God is, because He is your reference point for how you act, for how you perceive the universe, for how you perceive man, children, everything is your perception of God. They don’t simply have to be a Christian, but they have to line up on the major particulars.

If you are an evangelical, and you see it in a certain way, and you marry a charismatic, you’re going to have some struggles, but major league, if you marry a non-believer, you do not even interpret the universe the same — marriage or morality.

Number two: there has to be a moral unity, meaning that they can’t merely both be just Christians. They both must be under the auspices of the Lordship of Jesus Christ. If you have a man that takes his dictum’s from his flesh — even though he can recite the Gospel and give the time of his testimony, we’ve got a problem. There has to be a moral unity, a North Star that doesn’t move.

Women, some men are men can never be husbands until they have been brides, until they have been the bride of Christ, they can’t be your husband or any woman’s husband. Because the qualities that you want in a man are going to be qualities of love, kindness, tenderness, gentleness, and honesty — those are qualities that are in God visited upon men.

Men, watch that girl. If that girl has a problem with her authority of her parents, if she has a problem with her teachers, why do you think you will put [a wedding ring] on, and she will look to you and say, “My head and my sovereign.” Do you really think that will happen? Don’t you do it!

There are some women who can never, ever be married because of that very thing. Whenever you get a man, whenever you get a woman that is resistant to Genesis, chapter 1, who God is, you can’t have Genesis, chapter 2 — marriage. First, Adam sees God; first, Eve sees God; then they see each other.

Number three: there has to be a ministerial unity. You have to be going approximately the same direction. If I’ve got this girl over here — and I’ve seen it happen — this committed Christian woman that loves the Lord, loves His Word, loves to see people come to faith, and she’s attracted to this guy who simply wants to make a million before he’s 30. They’re pulling two different directions. She has heavenly values; he has temporal physical values. We’re going to have a division in that home.

Number four: get someone that is on the same page as you; someone that socially you could hold hands with, and you could go with together in things. I’m a great believer in social compatibility. If you’re a guy that loves to work out and to run, and this woman can’t stand to sweat, we may have a problem right here. If you’re a woman that loves to read, this guy can’t stand reading, we may have a problem. Now, do opposites attract? Yes, they do. You know what the problem with that is, is that opposites attract.

And what will drive you crazy about your mate are the things that attracted you to them at the outset, and you have been careful of that. I’ll make you a statement — to the degree that you and your future mate are socially opposite, you had better balance it out with an equal amount of flexibility and holiness.

Couples that are real, real close in everything that they like, if they don’t watch it, they can get bored in life because it’s easy just to go together. But if you’re really at a disparity, that’s okay.

But if you’ve got 30 pounds of difference, there had better be 30 pounds of flexibility. If you’ve got 100 pounds of difference with you and your mate, there had better be 100 pounds of holiness and godliness with each other. You’ve got to be able to enjoy the same things.

Number five: there needs to be legitimate passion. It had better be there. I’m believer in this. When I say to a couple, “Do you love the Lord?” “Yeah.” “Are you walking with God? Are you all heading to do great things?” “Yes.” “Tell me about your physical purity. Are you all staying pure?” That guy says to me, “We have no real temptation.” I say, “We’ve got a problem.”

You don’t just marry your best friend. There is an intimacy, a passion, an excitement that has to be there. Maybe you can turn on the switch at the altar, I doubt it. There had better be some sort of passion, because where there isn’t, that gets really old really quick. See, the marriage bed is the follow-through on all of the spiritual, emotional, social love that you have.

All of the delight that you feel in that woman that has given herself and loved you, the delight of it is shown in a physical expression on the marital bed. When a woman has such appreciation for that man who goes out in that pit and works and struggles, the follow-through is in the marital bed, and when that isn’t there, there is a problem.

The above script was just a portion of the advice that Pastor Tommy Nelson had to give, which comes from a 2-part radio broadcast offered through the ministry of Family Life Today.

Currently they are re-constructing the web site for the ministry of Family Life Today so they don’t have as many options open to you as they have and will in the future. In the meantime, we will copy below the transcript they previously made available for you to read. When they have the web site completed, we will provide links to that which they offer.

Meanwhile, below is a copy of the transcripts for the 2-part radio program:

Five Guidelines for a Successful Marriage
Part 1 of 2: Essentials Broadcast Date: 09/07/06
This is a condensed version of the FamilyLife Today Transcript

Bob: If you’re single, and you’ve been thinking about getting married to a special someone, there are some non-negotiables you need to consider.

This is FamilyLife Today for September 7th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I’m Bob Lepine. What are some of the other non-negotiables when you’re thinking about getting married? If you’re single, or if you know someone who is, and if you’ve ever thought, “Gee, I wonder if I’ll get married,” “I wonder what it takes to make a marriage work?” Well, today and tomorrow we’ve got a guy who has got the answers for you to that question.

Dennis: A straight-shooter. He is a great friend of this ministry. His name is Tommy Nelson. He’s the senior pastor at Denton Bible Church in Denton, Texas.

Bob: I’ve been listening to his tapes on Ecclesiastes. He taught through the book of Ecclesiastes, and I was teaching through it in Sunday school and so I was listening to his tapes as part of my study to get ready for my Sunday school class, and he just tells it like it is. He just doesn’t mince words. He’s just an ol’ Texas boy from Waco, Texas, who just kind of says it plain and moves on.

Dennis: He does, and he’s a man after my own heart. He had an opportunity to speak to a number of collegians, over 2,000, and, Bob, if I was given the same shot to speak at 2,000 collegians, I would pick the same topic — how do you decide who you marry? Five guidelines for a successful marriage. And over the next couple of days, you’re going to get a chance to listen in to this straight shooter from Texas.

Dennis: I’m going to tell you something — all singles are interested in this, and even those who are outside the church and may not have a relationship with Christ, well, this is one way we can kind of ease them toward God and His plan for their lives. Let’s listen to Tommy Nelson.

Tommy: [from audiotape]. Marriage — being loved, romance, passion, affection. There’s not a one of you here that hasn’t thought of it, hasn’t dreamed about it, planned about it, yea, schemed about it. Many of us have been hurt, and those relationships, dating, whatever, that lead up to it, it’s the fireplace of life. You know, a home is a nice place to be, the fireplace is the place of warmth, the place of tenderness, the place of affection take place around that fireplace. And life, marriage, the romance, the passion of marriage, that’s the spice, that’s the beauty of living.

God is trinity — Father, Son, Holy Spirit. He has never been alone. He has eternally been communicable. That’s why the idea of a monotheistic deity that is not Trinity as in Allah, that will leave you with a dictatorship, a god who is sovereign, infinite, eternal, but you’re fuzzy on the tenderness and what we’d call the — those mannish qualities that He — or eternally in God that He visits on us in the image of God in man — of tenderness and love and communication and the desire to be loved.

Those are the marvelous ideas of God — God is Trinity. Rightly did Francis Shaeffer say that if the Bible didn’t teach Trinity, he would still have been an agnostic because you wouldn’t have had a reference point for the beauties of God, which are found in the tri-unity of His Person.

And He makes us in His image, and we long to love, and we long to be loved from the moment that we are born, we are reaching outward, we are not natural hermits. We long for someone to reach out and touch us. It is not good for that man to be alone, and the most intimate of all relationships you can have are in the differences of a man and a woman that mesh in all ways. It is marvelous that two become one flesh.

But it follows that anything that is that intimate is also something that can be the most deadly, painful, frightening relationship in your entire existence. As a matter of fact, you can implode a society by the implosion of a marriage and of a home. Breakups — aren’t those a joy? To be going with somebody and then to be told, “You’re not the person. I don’t want it to continue.” That is painful. Being done wrong, being defrauded, divorce, abuse, alienation within marriage — that’s a heartbreaking thing, and it filters down to the kids.

Now, marriage is a deadly, horrific privilege that God gives us. It can be the charm of your life, or it can be the bane of your entire existence. And, students, when your marriage is in trouble, you don’t cordon it off into a little area, which means it doesn’t matter that if you have a high grade point, if you have a great job, if you make great money, if you’ve got great talents, if you’re marvelously successful in what you do, when you come into a home that is rent and is in pain, I mean, it’s red dye, it floods your entire existence.

I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest. How many of you desperately want to have a marriage that is better than your parents? Would you raise your hand – if you want a marriage better than your parents’? That’s pretty good. How many of you, if your marriage is no better than your parents’ it was good enough that if your marriage is no better than your parents’ you will be wonderfully satisfied, it it’s only as good as your parents’. Well, that’s pretty good.

I’m going to give you five things. I have watched marriages, I have counseled them, I’ve taught the Song of Solomon for years, I’ve worked in the pastorate now for almost 30 years, and I’ve seen them come, and I’ve seen them go, and I have a marriage that is more good than bad, all right? Which is a great compliment to a marriage. I’ve got a wonderful union with a wonderful woman. I’m going to give you five things. When these are resident in you, you’re going to have a good marriage.

I’m going to give you five things that have to take place between you and your future husband, you and your future wife. You have to be alerted to them right now, all right? I don’t want to be dogmatic on this, but I’m the only one right. [Laughter]

Because I have counseled the heartache that arises from the lack thereof, I don’t give these to you merely because of a priori reasoning from the Bible; I give them to you out of a posteriori observation of pain. If I was an atheist, I’d still give you these same five things, because I’ve watched them take place in couples.

Number one, there has to be a theological unity. You and your future husband, you and your future wife, have to be on the same page on who God is, because He is your reference point for how you act, for how you perceive the universe, for how you perceive man, children, everything is your perception of God. They don’t simply have to be a Christian, but they have to line up on the major particulars. If you are an evangelical, and you see it in a certain way, and you marry a charismatic, you’re going to have some struggles, but major league, if you marry a non-believer, you do not even interpret the universe the same — marriage or morality.

In Genesis 24, that’s one of the longest chapters in the Book of Genesis, and it’s finding a mate for Isaac, and when Abraham sends out Eliazar, his servant, he says, “You swear to me, by God, you will not take a Canaanite woman. You’ll go back to that little pocket of monotheism. That woman has to believe in God and be willing to follow Him.”

Now, God provided a woman that was beautiful of form and face, which is usually at the top of a man’s prayer list, but she better be someone that is on the same page theologically as to who God is, because that is the fountain, the matrix, out of which you interpret the universe, man, male, female, kids, marriage, and morality.

Am I right? That’s why in Exodus 34, Deuteronomy 7, it is part of the covenant of God with Israel. You do not take an unbeliever. That’s why Ezra and Nehemiah, at the end of the Old Testament canon had to do mass putting away of pagan wives, because Israel fell into it.

As a matter of fact, the taking of a pagan mate is considered, Malachi, chapter 2, and “act of,” and I quote, “treachery.” So the Apostle Paul says be married to whomever you wish only in the Lord. They’re on the same page.

Now, can a Christian student do this? Listen — girls get nervous. I can’t tell you how many girls I’ve seen that hit into their mid-20s and feel their biological clock running, their emotional needs reaching out, and the guy isn’t there, and here comes a non-Christian, and a girl simply says, “I’ve got to take what I can get,” and will drop her standards. Christian men get antsy.

Now, they can still reproduce into their 60s, they’re not worried about being fathers, but they’ve got this sex drive that’s beating within them and so here comes that girl, and she looks good, she feels good, don’t think that a man can’t become like Ulysses approaching the sirens’ island over here and not have to strap himself to the mast. We can do strange injurious things.

There’s not a one of you here that, under the heat of being young and the longing for marriage can set aside what you know to be true and marry a non-believer. I can give you names, events, and dates where I’ve seen it happen.

Being single and being alone is a struggle. I was married at 24. I knew what it was to be out of college longing for a wife and not to have one. It’s tough to be single, to be lonely. I’ll tell you what’s tougher is to be married and be lonely. To be lonely in a king-size bed with a person there that you cannot relate to in the major issues. When you are single, there is light at the end of your tunnel but it’s the providence and the timing of God.

“There is a time and procedure for every delight,” Solomon said, “when a man’s trouble is heavy upon him.” Times will get better; you just keep trusting. But when you are in a king-size bed with a mate you can’t relate to, now you are into some major-league troubles on beseeching God to change, at the very heart level, this person.

Number two — there has to be a moral unity, meaning that they can’t merely both be Christians. They both must be under the auspices of the Lordship of Jesus Christ. If you have a man that takes his dictum’s from his flesh — even though he can recite the Gospel and give the time of his testimony, we’ve got a problem. There has to be a moral unity, a North Star that doesn’t move. My wife has changed in her appearance, she has changed in a lot of things since we were married in 1974, but my wife has not changed, she has only grown in her relationship to God.

Girls, my wife and I made a vow that we’d never spend a day out of the Bible before we got married, because we knew that what attracted us to us was character, and that character was because of the person of God and His Word. And if we got away from Him, we lost essentially what attracted us.

Women, some men are men can never be husbands until they have been brides, until they have been the bride of Christ, they can’t be your husband or any woman’s husband. Because the qualities that you want in a man are going to be qualities of love, kindness, tenderness, gentleness, honesty — those are qualities that are in God visited upon men. So if that man is superficial with God, you have no guarantee that that man is going to maintain those qualities.

And there are some men who can simply never, ever be married. They can have dogs and cats, but they can’t have a human in that house with them because when a man isn’t submitted to the Lordship of Christ, he will become irresponsible or abusive, and both of those will drive you crazy. And so you check that man for his faithfulness in church, his faithfulness in the Bible, his faithfulness to his mother and his father, his commitment to moral purity. Look for those things in him, because that’s the North Star that gives you a reasonable assurance of his character. That’s the fountain out of which will grow your affection is the continuity of that character.

Men, watch that girl. If that girl has a problem with her authority of her parents, if she has a problem with her teachers, why do you think you will put one of these on, and she will look to you and say, “My head and my sovereign.” Do you really think that will happen? Don’t you do it. There are some women who can never, ever be married because of that very thing. And whenever you get a man, whenever you get a woman that is resistant to Genesis, chapter 1, who God is, you can’t have Genesis, chapter 2 — marriage. First, Adam sees God; first, Eve sees God; then they see each other — amen?

Now, if they don’t have this, they’re still going to have the longing to be married, and this is what a carnal, fleshly kind of person must do. They must create an illusion of spiritually or they must create a diversion. The illusion means that you know the songs, you attend the functions, but in the quiet of the home, you show who you are. Diversion means that you take the glance away from the heart to the car, the clothes, and all the paraphernalia. Can human beings be diverted by things like that? They can be.

Number three – there has to be a ministerial unity. You have to be going approximately the same direction. If I’ve got this girl over here — and I’ve seen it happen — this committed Christian woman that loves the Lord, loves His Word, loves to see people come to faith, and she’s attracted to this guy who simply wants to make a million before he’s 30. They’re pulling two different directions. She has heavenly values; he has temporal physical values. We’re going to have a division in that home.

Let me tell you where I met my wife and I share some of this in the Song of Solomon conference. It was at a Campus Crusade. That’s where I was discipled in college, and I remember seeing her as the girl that was the go-to girl of Campus Crusade. When anything needed to be done, they went to my wife-to-be.

I remember sitting at conferences and watching her taking — I can still see her sitting at the back taking notes. My wife was always at the back. She was always serving. That’s what made me fall in love with her. This woman wanted to serve God. I wanted to serve God. We just kind of came together running the same direction, and there was love, there was passion, but we have helped each other.

She has two ministries that she runs. She takes the wives of international students. North Texas University has 2,000 international students. Their wives, a lot of times, are the most lonely of people because they’re out of step in this foreign culture. My wife says, “You come to me, and I’ll show you how to keep a checkbook, how to shop at Tom Thumb. I’ll show you how to drive without killing people,” if you know any international students.

She’ll show them how to drive, she’ll show them how to shop, she’ll show them how to take care of their children, and as she goes along, the basis by which she teaches them is, guess what? The Bible. And so every Thursday morning my home was displaced, because my wife had 30 international women in there doing ministry. Now, that’s the kind of woman that I married — theological, moral, and ministerial unity.

Bob: We’ve been listening to the pastor of Denton Bible Church in Denton, Texas. Tommy Nelson talking about how to build a successful marriage. There are some married folks listening to this and going, “I wish I’d heard some of this before I got married because it would have helped at least just to know on the front end — that maybe we were out of sync in some of these areas.” If you find you’re out of sync in some of these areas, it doesn’t mean you quit and find someone else.

It just means that you may have some adjustments you’ve got to make that are a little harder than other people have to make.

Dennis: Bob, have you ever been to a vacation area where you’ve seen tandem bicycles.

Bob: Yeah, the bicycle built for two, sure.

Dennis: There you go, you have usually the guy in the front who is steering and directing and having to pull more on the pedals, and his wife behind him.

Bob: She’s helping to keep the thing going as well.

Dennis: That’s right, and she’s providing balance, and they’re talking, and they’re having fun as they’re going in the same direction. It wasn’t designed for two people to go in two different directions. One person wasn’t meant to break off and take a right-hand fork.

Bob: Take the mountain route while the other one takes the low road, right?

Dennis: Yeah, that’s where you run into trouble, and so that’s why this advice that Tommy Nelson is giving young people is so important. Spiritually speaking, it is so important that a couple, as they begin their marriage relationship, have theological agreement, moral agreement, and a spiritual direction in terms of their focus and their ministry direction together as a couple.

Bob: And there are other non-negotiables that Tommy talks about in this message, and tomorrow we’re going to hear Part 2 of his message on the five guidelines for a successful marriage. Of course, Tommy knows something about relationships, he’s been teaching from the book, the Song of Solomon for years.

We have featured some of those messages on FamilyLife Today, and anytime we have listeners have contacted us and said, “How can I get a copy of those CDs,” we have them in our FamilyLife Resource Center. Tommy originally taught the material from the Song of Solomon to a singles Bible study in the Dallas area, in the Metroplex, and there were a couple of thousand singles who showed up to hear him teach through this material.

We’ve got audio samples on our website from the Song of Solomon messages, so if our listeners want to hear a portion of Tommy’s teaching from that series, they can go to FamilyLife.com, and any of our listeners who are interested in getting the six-CD set from the Song of Solomon, we’ll be happy to send along at no additional cost the audio we’ve been listening to this week on the 5 Guidelines for a Successful Marriage, and Family Life’s “Preparing for Marriage” workbook, which is designed for couples who are moving in the direction of marriage. It’s a pre-marriage workbook for a young man and woman to go through together, either with a mentor couple or on their own.

Again, get more information about all of these resources on our website at FamilyLife.com. Click the red “Go” button you see right in the center of the screen, and that will take you to the page where you’ll find more information about the resources that are available from us here at FamilyLife. Or call 1-800-FLTODAY. That’s 1-800-F-as-in-family, L-as-in-life, and then the word TODAY, and someone can let you know how you can have these resources sent out to you.

Tomorrow Tommy Nelson is back with more non-negotiables as you think about the person you might marry. I hope you can be here for Part 2 of this message tomorrow.

Unity Broadcast Date: 09/08/06 -
This is a FamilyLife Today Transcript

Bob: If you’re thinking about marriage, is there that spark, the desire, for passion? That can be dangerous for singles. But getting married without it can be dangerous as well.

This is FamilyLife Today for September 8th. Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I’m Bob Lepine. Passion in the marriage is a non-negotiable. I’ve talked to singles who have put their checklist together, you know what I’m talking about – what they’re looking for from a potential partner, whether it’s a male or a female, it’s all of the things that you hoped the other person will be.

Dennis: I actually saw one single man’s bathroom completely wallpapered with his checklist.

Bob: He had quite a list?

Dennis: It was a long list.

Bob: I find that as singles get older, either the list gets longer, or it gets a whole lot shorter, you know? I’m just looking for somebody with a pulse, is he breathing at a regular point. Yesterday and today we are listening to a message that deals with an appropriate checklist; the kinds of issues you ought to be considering if you’re single, and you’re looking around and asking yourself, “Is this someone I could spend the rest of my life with?”

Dennis: That’s right and, Bob, frankly, today in this culture, it’s sad that we have to feature radio programs to do what families ought to be doing for their sons and daughters as they grow up into their single years. And I would just say to a mom and a dad who are raising a junior high, high school, or a college-age son or daughter, the topics that Tommy Nelson is talking about, both on yesterday’s broadcast and today, are very important for you to consider as you equip the next generation to make this choice of selecting a life mate.

Bob: Tommy Nelson is the pastor at Denton Bible Church in Denton, Texas. He’s written a book called “The Book of Romance,” another book called “The Problem of Life with God,” that’s based on Ecclesiastes, and not long ago he spoke to students at Cedarville College and talked about the five things that make up a successful marriage.

And yesterday he talked about the need for couples to be in theological agreement. He also talked about the need for them to have moral agreement, and he talked about the need for them to both have a ministry mindset. And today he’s going to talk about two additional areas of compatibility. This is just fatherly advice to young men and young women about things you ought to consider long and hard before you say “I do.”

Tommy: [from audiotape]. If I was your father, and I wanted to fix up your future, I’d look for, obviously, a believer that loved the Lord, a girl that was heading where you were heading, but do you know what I’d look for, guys, if you were a young man that loved opera, I wouldn’t find necessarily a girl that loved camping, all right? I’d get someone that was on the same page as you; someone that socially you could hold hands, and you could go together in things. I’m a great believer in social compatibility.

If you’re a guy that loves to work out and to run, and this woman can’t stand to sweat, we may have a problem right here. If you’re a woman that loves to read, this guy can’t stand reading, we may have a problem. Now, do opposites attract? Yes, they do. You know what the problem with that is, is that opposites attract. [laughter]

And what will drive you crazy about your mate are the things that attracted you to them at the outset, and you have been careful of that. I’ll make you a statement – to the degree that you and your future mate are socially opposite, you had better balance it out with an equal amount of flexibility and holiness. Couples that are real, real close in everything that they like, if they don’t watch it, they can get bored in life because it’s easy just to go together. But if you’re really at a disparity, that’s okay. But if you’ve got 30 pounds of difference, there had better be 30 pounds of flexibility. If you’ve got 100 pounds of difference with you and your mate, there had better be 100 pounds of holiness and godliness with each other. You’ve got to be able to enjoy the same things.

I did a wedding one time of the number-one draft choice in all the United States in professional baseball. He married Miss Texas, and she was — still is — beautiful. And this girl loved to dress up, she loved to go out, she loved evening gowns, she loved long, extended evenings at elegant restaurants enjoying good company. This guy, when baseball season was over, he had a Ram pickup with a couple of guns, decoys, and he had him a knife so he could field dress whatever he ran over or shot. [laughter]

And eat it on the side of the road. [laughter]

This guy was rustic. He also happened to be handsome, and she was beautiful, and they got attracted — both were Christians, and they were attracted to each other. Well, the season would end, and he would do what he had always done. He said, “Honey, we’re heading to the woods.” “I don’t think I will.” “Well, I am.” Well, I got a phone call, and it go so problematic that she did the last thing that a woman will do sometimes to get a husband’s attention — she fired the flare.

She said, “I’m outta here.” I don’t think she meant to do it, but that’s the only way she could get this kid that all of his life he had done what pleased him. Well, all of a sudden, your marriage is a wake-up call, and you have to do, 1 Corinthians 7, what pleases your mate.

See, if you’ve got a selfish problem as a single, it’s like one hand clapping — you never find out. All of a sudden, you get married, and we’ve got some problems here. Life gets real complicated. Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, exhorted single people to stay — he exhorted single people to stay single, and his argument was when you’re married, “such will have trouble in this world.” You know what the Greek word “trouble” is? Trouble. And that’s what you’re going to have when you get married, you now have somebody to bounce your fleshliness off of, and you have trouble, and you have to be willing to live with that, to work through that. So there has to be some sort of compatibility.

Number five — there needs to be legitimate passion. It had better be there. I’m believer in this. When I say to a couple, “Do you love the Lord?” “Yeah.” “Are you walking with God? Are you all heading to do great things?” “Yes.” “Tell me about your physical purity. Are you all staying pure?” That guy says to me, “We have no real temptation.” I say, “We’ve got a problem.” [laughter]

You don’t just marry your best friend. There is an intimacy, a passion, an excitement that has to be there. Maybe you can turn on the switch at the altar, I doubt it. There had better be some sort of passion, because where there isn’t, that gets really old really quick. See, the marriage bed is the follow-through on all of the spiritual, emotional, social love that you have. All of the delight that you feel in that woman that has given herself and loved you, the delight of it is shown in a physical expression on the marital bed. When a woman has such appreciation for that man who goes out in that pit and works and struggles, the follow-through is in the marital bed, and when that isn’t there, there is a problem.

In Song of Solomon they’re not married until Chapter 4. There are things said in Chapter 2 and in Chapter 3 by this single woman that are exciting, indeed. She longs for him. That has to be there.

Incidentally, let me throw a little note in here — when these things aren’t there, when you have a couple that is getting married simply on shallow reasons and the impulse of just longing to be — this primitive desire that we have to be married, you’re going to start running into problems in communication, problems in keeping the excitement going. What happens a lot of times is a couple will go to this kind of panacea, there’s a salve that you can rub on a problem relationship, and it will give it immediate relief for about a 24-hour period. It’s called premarital sex.

In the midst of premarital sex, the worst of couples feels like it’s a great relationship, and that’s one of the great problems with premarital sex. It’s not just that it’s sin, but it creates a deception, and it retards the real development of the deeper things. The reason that a couple falls into premarital sex a lot of times is just the pure novelty of eroticism, and on a scale of sexuality, on a 1 to 10, premarital sex that occurs in spontaneity, in combustion, just goes off in an apartment on a eroticism scale of 1 to 10, that’s about a 12. And you can’t maintain that in marriage.

When you get married, it’s not going to be this explosive kind of thing that takes off. Oh, every once in a while things happen, but generally it’s going to be the expression of character, it’s going to come out of this fountain of character. Now, when you get into premarital sex, you just go around the character. What happens, though, when you get into marriage, is that premarital stuff doesn’t happen like it used to, and now sex takes place at the end of the day when the man comes in, he’s working, the woman is caring for that home, she’s doing her deal, they put those kids down, they shower up, brush your teeth, clean up, psych yourself up — “all right, time for sex, here we go.” [laughter] It’s an act of the will. You say, “You’re kidding.” Trust me. [laughter]

Trust me. If that fountain is not there, of the fear of God, love, servanthood, kindness, courtesy, helping each other, taking out the trash — if all of those expressions of piety, theology, and Christ-likeness aren’t there, sex ain’t gonna happen. It won’t. You’re going to go frigid. And that’s why couples that get into premarital sex create a deception, they retard the building of what it takes to really develop a relationship, and they build that thing, they cross that bridge on a bridge of balsa. It’s on Styrofoam. They get into marriage, the fountain of piety isn’t there, and now it just becomes frustration, manipulation, the attempt to kick in the eroticism, and it doesn’t work, and you end up just busting it up.

Tony Evans says what was a great deal becomes an ordeal goes to a new deal, and you just try a new mate and get out of it. So if I was just an atheist, just on the counseling that I’ve done, I would say “Beware premarital sex.”

I’ll go so far as to seeing some of the bad marriages that I have seen, I can ask the question, “Did you all fall into premarital sex?” Usually, the answer is yes, and I tell them, “Your relationship probably wouldn’t have endured to the altar if you hadn’t had premarital sex. You just kept spraying lighter fluid on this thing.” But the real coals and embers weren’t there.

I want to share one other thing here — the phenomena of a premarital relationship, the phenomena of a date — there’s a lot of confusion, a lot of talk right now on dating.

Listen, and let me give you, like Paul says, “One who, by the grace of God is trustworthy,” that’s seen this. A date is a time of enjoyment and of pure recreation of people of the opposite sex at a common event. That’s all that a date is. It’s responsible people enjoying a common event. There is no escalation, there is no continuation, there are no expectations that you put on it; everybody kind of dogs dating.

I’ll be honest with you — you know, if it came down to me hanging out with Michael and Darrell, I’d rather hang out with Sally, you know what I’m saying? I just really enjoyed the presence of just neat girls, and the opposite way of men and women. And I had 3 brothers; I had no sisters. I have two sons; I have no daughter. I’ve got a dog named Sammy and Buddy, all right? I had no women in my life. But I just really enjoyed the presence of — just — the delight of a time with a woman. And that’s no problem, okay?

Whenever that noun, a “date,” becomes a process — “dating” — you’re continually seeing the same person over and over and over. When that happens, escalation, expectations, and temptation are going to happen, that’s a fact, and that’s okay for the heat to build. But when you start seeing the same person over and over, what you’re getting into is preparation for courtship.

The problem we have in our culture is we don’t have a fearfulness of dating. Call it what you want — “going steady” — when the same people keep seeing each other, it’s going to escalate, there’s going to be expectations, there’s going to be temptations, and that’s okay if you have a man and a woman that are theologically, morally, philosophically solid.

If that man, financially, can take on where dating is going to go into courtship, it’s going to go into marriage, if that man is in place, if you have two people who are solid, who are sound, that process that leads into courtship that goes to the altar, that’s okay. But if you don’t, if you’re not there socially, you’re going to have to put off that wedding for years and years, and that becomes a frustration and a temptation.

And if you’re not there spiritually, then there are temptations that will come by that continual kind of relationship. Immature people in the continual same social context are — I mean — it’s striking matches knee deep in kerosene. There are problems that will come. Dating is a thing all of you are going to do with the same person, but it demands a great deal of trepidation.

Bob: That is Tommy Nelson, the pastor at Denton Bible Church. He was speaking to college students at Cedarville University about what to look for and what to be. If you want to be a married person someday, and I’ll tell you, there had to be a wake-up call in that chapel that day for a lot of those college students who kind of thought, “Okay, maybe I’ve been approaching this thing a little too casually. Maybe I need to approach it with a little more earnest, not only who I’m looking for but who I am, whether I’m the right kind of person to even be looking in the first place.”

Dennis: And, Bob, I think that’s extremely important. When a single person is in the process of becoming God’s man and God’s woman, and they do have what Tommy was talking about, that edge to their lives, it’s so much easier to balance that tandem bicycle when it’s moving, and it’s moving in a direction. And spiritually speaking, I think what God wants from all of us, is He wants us moving toward Him and moving in the direction of what His mission is for our lives.

Bob: That’s back to what Tommy said in this message — “If you’re single, and you want to know who to marry, run as hard and as fast toward Jesus as you can and if, out of the corner of your eye, you see somebody running in the same direction, take a second look.”

Dennis: And, Bob, you’ve hit on something there that a single person can’t begin to appreciate unless they experience it, and that’s why they need to take our word for it here. You want to be in the process of becoming God’s man and God’s woman, totally sold out to Jesus Christ, not having to battle over the issue of whose you are. Are you Jesus Christ’s bond slave? Is He your Master? Have you written over the title deed of your life to Him?

Once those issues have been settled, I’m telling you, the other issues that come your way are going to be much easier to deal with if you’ve settled the issue of who is going to be your Lord and your Master.

Bob: Tommy addresses that same issue in the series that he’s done on the Song of Solomon, which he actually did first for a group of singles, several thousand singles in the Dallas area, and we’ve featured portions of those messages on FamilyLife Today in past years, and listeners have called us to say, “How can we get copies of those CDs?” But, you’re right, that is at the center of what is going to make a marriage go the distance. That shared commitment to the Lordship of Christ in your life, in your relationship, in your marriage.

I think there are a lot of couples who recognize that’s central, but what they don’t recognize is that there are other issues that kind of spin off of that that have to be acknowledged as well. At our Weekend to Remember conference we talk about those issues — communication and sexual intimacy and resolving conflict and our responsibilities as husbands, our responsibilities as wives.

If you want more information about the upcoming Weekend to Remember conferences, go to our website at FamilyLife.com. There’s information available there. There’s also information about the CD series on the Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson which, as I mentioned, we featured here on FamilyLife Today in the past, and many of you have requested those CDs. They are available from us here at FamilyLife.

In fact, if you call to get the six-CD series on the Song of Solomon, we’ll be happy to add at no additional cost the CD of the message we’ve been hearing this week from Tommy on the Five Guidelines for a Successful Marriage, and we’ll include a copy of our “Preparing for Marriage” workbook so that those of you who are single and thinking about marriage and the future will have a workbook you can go through together with your fiancé or have another couple take you through as a part of your pre-marriage preparation.

Get all the details about these resources when you go to our website, www.familylife.com.

Does that seem obvious of you? Unfortunately, it didn’t seem obvious to the happy couple when they decided to get married.

But the good news is that we are developing better ways of determining ahead of time whether a marriage will succeed or fail. One prominent recent study indicates that marriage success or failure can now be predicted before the wedding day with 81 percent accuracy. We are beginning to isolate the factors that contribute significantly to marital breakdown or growth. Let me briefly share with you 10 of the reasons marriages often fail.

The decision to get married is made too quickly. In order for two people to make an evaluation of how good the fit is between them, a tremendous amount of information must be shared and processed. That takes time, plenty of time. I say two years or more of thoughtful involvement with each other. Marriage failures often involve people who made a rapid-fire decision about the most important family matter they will ever consider.

The decision is often made at too young of an age. Statistics tell us that the divorce rate is twice as high for 21- and 22-year-olds as it is for 24- and 25-year-olds. And the divorce rate for persons under 20 is overwhelmingly high.

The fact is that in our society adolescence often lasts much longer than in other societies. Until persons have reached their mid-20s, they usually have not developed sufficiently —either emotionally or spiritually —to make long-term predictions about life direction possible. In the absence of such predictions, how can anyone judge how well their fit with someone else will be in the future?

The couple has unrealistic expectations. One man told me, “I knew when we were dating that we had some serious problems, but I was sure that things would get better after we got married.” A woman, only two years into her marriage, said: “He promised me that after we were married he would stop drinking and start going to church with me, but he hasn’t and he won’t.”

I’ve talked to scores of individuals who, when considering divorce, said that they simply did not know what they were getting into when they got married. Their expectations were totally naive and unrealistic. And I often find that people think of marriage as the place to get all of their needs met.

• They think marriage will make them suddenly feel good about themselves.

• They’re sure a marital relationship will “fix” a lot of their other emotional and mental problems.

• They think the friendship with their mate will take care of all their friendship needs.

Most of this is dead wrong. The fact is that prospective spouses need to get these issues dealt with on their own before marriage, or they are likely to submerge the relationship under the weight of unresolved personal problems.

The decision is often made largely on romantic grounds. Television has inflicted on us the idea that romantic love is all that’s necessary for building a lasting relationship. This is outrageous! When we find ourselves in a relationship, and our hormones are sending exciting messages throughout our bodies, it’s like we’re living on a cloud, floating from one form of ecstasy to another. And we may think that marriage will be easy.

Now, there’s not a thing in the world wrong with this kind of romantic love. In fact, it’s crucial for a couple to nurture this dimension for as long as they are together. God gives us the capability of feeling this way about a person of the opposite sex, and there’s nothing quite so enjoyable. But if romantic love is not built on far deeper and sturdier realities, it has a tendency to collapse in the face of the tough realities of married life.

As a matter of fact, it is probably true that most young marriages that fail have their beginnings in the billowy clouds of romantic feelings and dreams. This is a great place for a relationship to begin, but a dangerous foundation on which to base a lifetime decision about a marriage partner. The “crashing to earth” experience of these couples— so devastating to them and their families— is usually caused by the lack of steel-like structures undergirding the romance. The greatest fallacy of all is that romantic love is everything that needs to be considered in choosing a mate.

One or both persons has a poorly developed self-image. Numerous psychological research studies have demonstrated that there is a high correlation between self-esteem and the acceptance of others. In a very real sense, persons can love others only as they learn to love themselves. A marriage relationship has a far less chance of succeeding when self-esteem is a major problem for one or both of the partners.

One or both persons has significant concerns about the personality of the other. If you are thinking about marrying a person, and there are qualities about your partner’s personality that you’re having all kinds of trouble with — like their jealousy or temper or regular unhappiness or undependability or lying or stubbornness or moodiness— ask yourself if you’re willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with these problems. Personality features like these almost never simply vanish when you get married.

The key is to require that they be worked through well before you say “I do,” even if it means a delay of your wedding date. If you can’t get them resolved on your own, secure the help of a Christian psychologist, psychiatrist or marriage counselor. Whatever you do, don’t just “hope that everything will turn out fine.”

Communication skills are inadequately developed. Can you tell your partner what you’re really feeling without fear of judgment and put-down? Can you share negative feelings with each other? Does your partner carefully listen to you? Does your partner seem to understand how you feel?

If you can’t answer “yes” to all four of these, you have a communication problem that could cause all kinds of trouble.

Even routine conflicts do not get resolved. Daniel Goleman of the New York Times has said: “The ability to talk over problems is more important than how much a couple are in love or how happy the couple were before the marriage.”

I remember counseling with a couple about their impending marriage. They were having a terrible time with this area of conflict resolution. They disagreed about all kinds of things, and they even had different ideas about the best ways to solve their disagreements. She told me that he always had to win every argument, and he told me that he usually ended up feeling responsible for every problem they had. I knew they were in deep trouble, and I recommended that they delay their marriage until they developed the skill to solve their problems in a way that left them both feeling good about themselves and each other.

Religious beliefs and values are not shared. Experimental studies indicate that this is a crucial area. If one partner is deeply committed to Christ, and the other partner does not share this commitment, the marriage is severely weakened. Unity on this subject is of paramount importance.

For instance, if you believe that it is important to pray with your partner, to be involved in the life of a church, and to raise your children with a deep appreciation for the Lord — and your partner says “no thanks” to all of these, look out!

There is little encouragement for the marriage from family and friends. I always ask couples what their friends and family think of their relationship. I seldom find a situation in which there is little support for the couple, and yet they seem in other ways to be well-fitted for each other. Exceptions do occur, of course, but not often.

The fact is that every couple badly needs all the help they can get to make their relationship a quality one, and if they aren’t getting that help from the people closest to them, I get concerned. If no help is forthcoming, they must have almost everything else about their relationship in near-perfect shape. And if everything else is in such terrific shape, why aren’t their friends and family more enthusiastic?

Even though we are a long way from being able to select mates scientifically, we have made a lot of headway in understanding what makes marriage selection successful. In the simplest of terms, what we know to be necessary is this:

• You and your partner must have an excellent fit now, not “later when everything gets wonderful after we are married.”

• The two of you need to have the skills that make adjustment possible as you deal together with the inevitable changes of life.

• And at the bottom of everything there needs to be the kind of deep commitment to one another that will get you through the tough times when the necessary adjustments are waiting to be made.

These three qualities —good fit, well-developed adjustment skills, and solid commitment — will make for long-term marriages that provide stability for many generations.

But how do you come by these, and how do you know when you’ve found them?

The answer to this and more can be found in the book, Finding the Love of Your Life …Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner by Dr Neil Clark Warren, published by arrangement with Focus on the Family Publishing by Pocket Books, a division of Simon & Schuster.

This book gives insights into questions such as: What are the 7 danger signals for a couple considering marriage? Do opposites attract for a lifetime? what critical differences and similarities make or break a relationship?

Whether you’re looking for someone starting a relationship or seriously considering a marriage or remarriage, you could find this book to be very helpful.

Unfortunately, they often do so for the wrong reasons.

Society’s underlying message —that there is something wrong with people who are not married or in serious dating relationships —pushes single people to fret and flirt and market themselves. Too often they hurl themselves at the first candidate who comes along.

Ellen Rothman suggests additional reasons why people want to get married: to have children, to get even with an old lover, to get out of the parental home, to further a career, to obtain a father or mother for their children. Others marry for money, power, security, prestige, or readily available sex. Still others marry simply so they can say they did.

Unfortunately, there are even more wrong reasons to marry. Some of these reasons are touted as inevitable benefits of marriage; in reality, they are nothing more than myths. The first myth that motivates some people to marry is this: Marriage will end my aloneness.

A single person wrote this about her struggle with loneliness: “I can’t think of anything I hate more than being alone. Everywhere I turn I see couples —couples on television, couples in cars, couples on planes, couples in restaurants. Everywhere there are reminders that I am alone. I wonder if I will ever find a person to fill that hole in my heart.”

I wonder if I will ever find a person to fill that hole in my heart. That line is a flashing warning signal. Apparently, this woman, like many others. is longing for a human being who will offer her perfect intimacy. She is crying out for someone who will understand her fully, accept her unconditionally, and end her sense of isolation. The right man, she believes, can forever end her aloneness —can fill the hole in her heart. Behind her words rumbles the myth that too many young men and women believe: that marriage is the cure-all for human loneliness.

The truth is, there are millions of desperately lonely married people. They may share a table, a sofa, and even a bed with their marriage partner, but they still feel lonely. They may even have an ideal relationship—a genuinely intimate and loving relationship —and still feel lonely deep inside.

Did they marry the wrong person? Build a shallow marriage? Or did they simply place an unrealistic demand on marriage? Perhaps they failed to understand that God created human beings to yearn for two levels of relational intimacy. The first level can be met by establishing a deep, honest, trusting relationship with a friend or marriage partner. The second level can only be met by entering into an authentic, growing relationship with God.

Most unmarried people are conscious of their first level of yearning—for a close relationship with another human being. But their second level of yearning, their longing to be intimate with God, is often buried beneath the surface of their conscious awareness; they feel it, but don’t understand it. So the two yearnings get “mixed”; they get lumped together in one giant gnawing need. The result is a doubled drive —an obsession, sometimes —to find the person who can satisfy all the intimacy needs. Clearly, that is a setup for heartbreak.

Some of these singles never find partners and live with constant loneliness and frustration. Others do marry, but they may be even worse off. Six months into marriage they discover that some of their intimacy needs are still unmet. Then what? They pressure their spouses to meet not only the level one needs they feel consciously, but also the level two needs they feel subconsciously. If they are not careful, they destroy the relationship by putting too much pressure on it —by expecting human beings to meet intimacy needs that only God can meet.

How can marriages not fail when we expect them to do something beyond the realm of possibility? A good marriage to the right person, entered into under God’s direction and nurtured carefully, can go a long way toward meeting the human need for intimacy; the Bible calls that oneness. But within every human heart there remains a hole that only God can fill.

Unfortunately record numbers of young people are growing up in unloving, unhappy homes. More and more families are being shattered by divorce, devastated by alcoholism, and ravaged by emotional and physical abuse. Young people growing up in such situations often carry wounds that no one sees, wounds that leave them hurt and needy, wounds that drive them to search for someone who can heal them, patch up their broken places, or at least make their pain subside for awhile.

Consciously, these wounded people look for spouses. Unconsciously, they look for healers. They believe a second myth: Marriage will heal my brokenness. In an age of unprecedented brokenness, this is a dangerous myth.

A young person who was neglected, devalued, or mistreated during his growing-up years often feels like he is drowning emotionally. Feelings swirl around inside of him so fast he fears he will get sucked under and never be able to come up. Just then a five-foot four-inch blond-haired life preserver floats by. The young man does what any drowning person would do: He grabs on for dear life. Maybe she can help me. Maybe she can save me from drowning. The five-foot four-inch blond interprets this young man’s tight embrace as true love. True love! The storybook kind. The kind that will last a lifetime. The kind she has been searching for.

A man or woman who latches onto a life preserver, dates ferociously for a few months, then gets married, is opening the door for disaster. One day the life-preserving spouse is going to get out of bed and say, “Please, can you give me just a little slack? Can you give me a little space? You’ve been clutching me so tightly I’m losing my breath.” And that pain-filled, drowning spouse is going to interpret that request for space as another round of rejection, or neglect, or abuse —and the threat will be too much to bear. The marriage will go up for grabs.

Though I do few weddings now, earlier in my ministry I did all the weddings at our church. Sometimes there were three or four weddings per weekend. I would stand with my Bible open, explaining God’s guidelines for marriage.

The radiant young woman and the excited young man would stand within fourteen inches of me, meeting my gaze with a beam of shared love and passion and electricity. Incredible! Then they would repeat their vows of lifelong devotion and float out of the chapel. Six months later they would crash like a plane out of the sky. Devastated. Crushed. Another dashed dream.

Why did that happen? Because they thought they could heal one another’s brokenness. Maybe they were both wounded, maybe just one was. But whole, healthy marriages cannot be built on foundations of brokenness. Spouses cannot be expected to be life preservers.

Not a Victimless Crime

People who think marriage will heal their brokenness end up either becoming victims, or victimizing their spouses. But it does not have to be this way. If you are single, please use this two-pronged approach to avoid getting involved in a destructive marriage.

First:
Be ruthlessly honest about your own brokenness. Do you feel like you are drowning inside? Are you looking for a life preserver? Are you carrying hurts and disappointments that you secretly hope a spouse can heal? Do you have unfinished business with parents or others that you need to resolve before you can build a healthy relationship? Is your self-esteem so poor because of past mistreatment, that you would be vulnerable to an abusive or destructive marriage?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, please put the issue of dating and marriage on the back burner. Face first things first. Deal with your brokenness. Make your own healing a priority. Get introspective, analyze the past, seek counsel. The only thing worse than being a single broken person is being a married broken person.

Second:
If you want to avoid serious trouble, you must observe potential mates very carefully. Look below the surface. What kind of expectations do potential mates have? What excess baggage are they carrying? What unfinished business do they need to resolve with their parents? What is their agenda? Are they looking for a healthy, mutual relationship? Or for a life preserver? A miracle worker? A healer?

The key to answering these questions accurately is obvious. Time. [We hope you don't] have a problem with long courtships, [because the real problem lies] with people jumping into marriage prematurely. It is not just a matter of principle. It is simply that we have seen too much pain.

Probably the most widely believed of all the marriage myths is this one: Marriage will ensure my happiness. It is almost accepted as fact that a quick walk down the center aisle will usher one into the halls of happiness. The real truth is, it might, and it might not.

The mistaken assumption is that a wedding will automatically change a person. But that seldom happens. In most cases, an unhappy single person will be an unhappy married person. A bitter, angry single person will be a bitter, angry married person. An impatient single person will be an impatient married person. Marriage does not produce life or character transformations. Such changes are produced by the inner work of the Holy Spirit, which is not dependent on one’s marital status.

This myth seems ridiculous indeed when you consider the math of marriage: One sinner plus another sinner equals two sinners. Double trouble under one roof. Add a couple “sinnerlings” and we’re talking quadruple trouble under that same single roof.

In the covenant of marriage God asks two self-willed sinners to come together and become one flesh —not in body only, but in spirit, in attitude, in communication, in love. It is a lifetime challenge —perhaps the single greatest challenge there is.

And there are so many little issues that can complicate the challenge. Even mature, well-adjusted, Spirit-filled believers have to work through countless areas of disparity. There is financial disparity: He wants golf clubs; she wants a dishwasher. There is recreational disparity: She wants to travel; he wants to plant a garden. There is sexual disparity: He is romantically inclined tonight; she was last night. There is social disparity: She favors her friends; he favors his. Every time you turn around there is a new area of potential disagreement.

Don’t misunderstand us. Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But, if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way.

They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said “I’m sorry” too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.

Marriage a ticket to happiness? Not on your life. [It's a] naive and destructive notion [to think] that marriage is easy and that it guarantees happiness. Most unmarried people have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work; they grossly underestimate the price people have to pay to build long-term, mutually satisfying relationships. And they fail to understand that the only people with the strength to pay that price are those who have plumbed the depths of their relationship with God, have dealt with their own brokenness, and have reached a place of happiness within the context of their singleness…

A Reality Check

We have a high view of marriage. We believe our marriage was God ordained, and that over the years it has been God sustained. It has been both a tool that God has used to challenge and shape us and a gift that He has given to encourage and refresh us. Every year we sense the increasing value of our growing relationship.

But we also have a realistic view. We don’t believe it is the answer for everyone. And while it has added a profoundly meaningful dimension to our lives, it did not satisfy our deepest human needs. It did not cure our inner loneliness. It did not heal our brokenness. It did not ensure our happiness.

It will not do that for you either. It does not promise to.

The above edited article comes from the great book, Fit to Be Tied …Making Marriage Last a Lifetime -by Bill and Lynne Hybels, published by Zondervan. This is one of our favorite books for those contemplating marriage. In it, Bill and Lynne Hybels draw on their own personal experience and a guiding faith to offer practical advice on how to enjoy a lifetime of togetherness. They say they have several purposes for writing this book. First, they want to help single people choose their marriage partners wisely. They also want to help them find partners with whom they share absolutely crucial compatibilities.

Second, they want to help married people stay married. They offer a two-pronged plan that includes: first, working through the lesser incompatibilities that interfere with peace and mutual satisfaction, and second, learning healthy patterns of living and relating on a daily basis. They claim not to be “experts” on marriage but rather are among those who have suffered in their marriage and wondered how God let them make such a terrible mistake. They said that they felt hopeless and trapped. But in that time of entrapment they say, “We did the only thing that seemed right for us to do. We worked at it. And worked. And worked some more. And we continue to work.” Again, this is a great book that we highly recommend because it’s very down-to-earth and is also easy to read.

No, the questions do not seem silly to me—far from it. They are vital questions, and I’m glad there are men to whom they matter enough to pray about and ask counsel for.

I think one reason for confusion is the notion which arose, before the men who are now in their twenties and thirties were born, about the “equality” of the sexes. It is a word that belongs to politics but certainly not to courtship, a realm which concerns human beings in their entirety.

Another reason for confusion is misunderstanding the order which God established in the beginning. I’ve tried to explain that divine arrangement in two books: Let Me Be a Woman and The Mark of a Man. If men would be men, women could do a better job of being women (and vice versa, of course, but the buck really stops with the men). What does it mean to be a man?

Christ is the supreme example. He was strong and He was pure, because His sole aim in life was to be obedient to the Father. His very obedience made Him most manly, responsible, committed, courageous, courteous, and full of love. A Christian man’s obedience to God will make him more of a man than anything else in the world. Consider these qualities:

• Responsibility — He must work out the salvation that God has given him “with a proper sense of awe and responsibility, for it is God who is at work” in him, giving him the will and the power to achieve His purpose (Philippians 2:12, 13, PHILLIPS). Man was made to be initiator, provider, and protector for woman.

• Commitment — He must be a man of his word, no matter what it costs. My father’s strong counsel to my four brothers: Never tell a woman you love her until you are ready to follow that immediately with, “Will you marry me?” In other words, a man’s love for a woman, if deep and abiding, leads to a lifetime commitment to her. Many heartaches would be avoided if he held back any expressions of love until he is ready to make that commitment. Once promised, he never goes back on that word.

• Courage — A man must be willing to take the risks of rejection (she might say No), blame, and all that commitment costs.

• Courtesy — A Christian’s rule of life should be, My life for yours. He is concerned about the comfort and happiness of others, not of himself. He does not seek to have his own needs met, his own image enhanced, but to love God, to make Him loved and to lay down his life to that end. In small ways as well as great, he shows the courteous love of the Lord.

• Purity — He must be master of himself if he is to be the servant of others. This means “buffeting” his body, bringing it into subjection, as Paul did. It means restraint, discipline, and the strength to wait. It means an utter yielding to the will of God as revealed in 1Corinthians 6:12-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8.

As I have heard the sad stories and studied what I call “The Dating Mess” of today, it appears to me that men have generally overlooked another vital matter which ought to precede all overtures in the direction of a prospective wife. If we assume that a man is an adult when he is eighteen (or twenty-one at the latest), he should by that time be giving marriage some serious thought. He should get down to brass tacks with God to find out if this may be a part of His agenda for him.

This will take time, and it might help if during this period he simply quits dating and starts praying. As long as the answer is uncertain, don’t date. Does this sound extreme? It wasn’t my idea. I learned it from a group of young men who have chosen this way. It is a guaranteed way of avoiding sexual activity (always illicit outside of marriage), of preserving one’s wholeness and holiness, and preventing the heartbreaks we see on every hand.

I urge you to trust God. He wants to give you the best. He will help you. He has promised to guide. He knows what you need. Ask him to show you whether, when and whom you should marry.

And don’t be alone in this. Ask counsel of your spiritual superiors who are wise, who know how to pray and how to keep silence. Take their counsel seriously. If they have suggestions as to a possible mate, take those very seriously. My own parents prayed for godly spouses for all six of us, and actually named before God the very people that four of us married.

Read Genesis 24, study the principles Abraham’s servant followed. Pray silently. Watch quietly.

Before you start dating, draw clear guidelines for yourself as to “how far to go.” The only truly safe line is a radical one, but it works: hands off and clothes on. If you think you can put the line somewhere else, remember that a little thing leads to a bigger thing. A touch leads to a hug which leads to a kiss which leads to play which leads to consummation. That was how God intended the whole thing to work, but the idea of the “whole thing” was marriage and babies.

Can you trust yourself to quit once you start? The Bible says, “Flee youthful lusts.” Don’t toy with them.

When God has guided you as to the whether, the when, and the whom, then you must choose to love and not to fear. The Will of God always involves risk and cost, but He is there with grace to help and with all the wisdom you need. Every deliberate choice to obey Him will—depend upon it—be attacked by the enemy. Never mind. There’s nothing new about that. Be a man and stick with it.

Our view is that we would rather see a split prior to marriage—and just as quickly into divorce. Essentially, we encourage couples to think through the same questions dealt with in this chapter. When they put serious thought into these matters, some of them cannot in good conscience commit to marriage.

One of the first danger signals as a couple approaches marriage is the “hurry-up offense.” If two individuals have only known each other for a few months, more than likely their attraction is based on sheer emotion that may fade as quickly as it appeared.

There are exceptions, of course, but in most cases they aren’t ready to pledge themselves to each other for life. If their love for each other is genuine, they will be willing to wait and be sure. We ask couples to allow seven months of lead time in order to adequately complete the premarital process. Resistance to such advice is usually a danger sign.

Sadly, one of the reasons couples rush to get their marriage license is an unwillingness to establish and maintain sexual purity in the dating relationship. One of the tragic aspects of contemporary life is the number of young people who have become sexually sophisticated while remaining emotionally immature. Slowing down the process will often uncover these and other problem areas that must be dealt with if the marriage is going to have any chance of success.

ARE MY EXPECTATIONS REALISTIC?

“I know that once we are married, we’ll be able to take care of that.”

This statement, heard again and again is usually fueled by wishful thinking rather than honest evaluation. If a young woman has never been able to balance her checkbook and has run up significant credit card debt, how realistic is it to expect that she can establish and maintain a frugal budget during marriage?

If the young man’s temper has frequently gotten him into trouble with teammates and authority figures, how can he assume that a marriage license will cure that? Or if the couples’ dates have been almost all physical activity and little if any conversation, do they really think a wedding will “fix everything?”

It should come as no surprise that most people are on their best behavior during the dating phase. To be more honest, they aren’t really themselves. They go out of their way to smile and accommodate-not wanting to risk offending the other person prematurely.

Potential life partners also need to see each other in various situations. Here are just a few:

• Late for an appointment because of congested traffic
• Visiting a hospitalized loved one
• Playing with the kids on the street
• Being around his or her parents
• Being around his or her “regular” friends
• Participating in a competitive sport
• Handling various stressful situations

It’s not as if these things aren’t going to come up during a marriage. The sooner one’s prospective spouse sees how the other performs under such conditions, the better he or she can estimate the potential success of marriage. It’s also good to have a few disagreements and arguments prior to the wedding. Otherwise, when they come up during marriage (and they will!) you will not be prepared to see the other person in this different light.

The more two people attempt to be real with each other, the more realistic their expectations will be as they enter marriage.

The above article comes from the book, Lasting Love by Alistair Begg, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. In this book Pastor Begg teaches “the art of a lasting relationship. He calls each partner to bury self-interests and diligently tend the fire of his own her own home hearth.”

As Alistair says about this book,

“This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”

Dear ______,

Please proceed very, very slowly on this one. If you’re already having problems of this magnitude when you’re engaged I can assure you that unless you both are TOTALLY committed to marrying and being committed to each other after marriage to do all you both can do to make it a healthy, loving marriage, your marriage will have little chance of surviving.

Just look around you to see all those that are divorcing and those who are married who have very dysfunctional, terrible relationships. Just because you love each other at this point in your relationship, it isn’t a guarantee that you will continue to love each other later on after you marry and you start encountering problems that life throws at you. It may not seem possible that this could be true but how many people do you know who marry walk down the aisle thinking they will eventually destroy the love they have for each other? Almost none! And yet it happens all the time.

For a good marriage to happen you have to put in a lot of hard work, compromising, asking God for abundant wisdom, and sheer determination to push through against all the odds. Very few people tell you that a good marriage doesn’t just happen, it takes hard work! Read the following quote from a WONDERFUL book that I highly recommend for you to read:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said “I’m sorry” too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.”

(This comes from the book, “Fit to be Tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels.) (You can either get this book at your local Christian bookstore or order it through www.amazon.com)

That statement is more true than I can emphasize. For some reason the man you are engaged to isn’t totally committed to getting married like you are. This is a real red flag signaling eventual trouble if you don’t BOTH work on figuring out why this is and BOTH work on a solution for putting this behind you as you pursue a TOTAL commitment on both of your parts to work through whatever separates committing to your relationship 100%.

You may also want to contact the ministry for Focus on the Family which has a web site for South Africa at www.safamily.org.za. They may be able to advise you better than we can and also let you know of some other material that you can get ah old of which may be able to help you through this crisis. They’re great folks there and they do counsel those who ask for it. You may want to give them a try.

One more web site that may be able to help you is also put together by Focus on the Family. It is found at www.troublewith.com. When you go into it and see the list of topics they have available go to the section entitled, “Getting Married” and click on it. They have a lot of different articles to read and resources that they recommend which you may find very helpful because it’s designed for those like yourself who are looking to marry someone.

I pray this helps. I wish I could give you more advice than this but Steve and I aren’t counselors —we’re marriage educators. We have a lot of things on our web site in the “Pre-married” section that you can read up on that might help you but other than that and contacting either Focus on the Family or a counselor, I don’t know what else to tell you. Keep pursuing an answer though. Don’t pursue marrying this man if you have to talk him into marrying you. I can almost guarantee you that you’ll eventually be sorry.

But as the weeks and months passed by, Megan began to realize that while her wedding was perfect, her marriage wasn’t! In fact, she wondered why she and Michael hadn’t seen some of their problems coming long before they decided to marry.

I’m always interested in how married people respond to the question, “How long after you married did you realize that you were going to have serious problems?” To my surprise many say, “On our wedding day!” I remember Keri, a woman in her thirties, saying,

“As I was walking down the aisle, I realized we shouldn’t be getting married. I knew I wasn’t ready and I kept praying to God that when the pastor asked if there was anyone who had an objection, someone would stand up and say so. But no one did. So I went through with it, hoping things would get better. But they didn’t. They became worse! Finally we divorced.”

When I asked Keith how long it took after the wedding to understand that he and his wife were in for some difficult days, he told me it was on the second day of their honeymoon.

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“Find the right person, fall in love, set your hopes on them—that’s Hollywood’s path to finding a love.”

That describes the radio broadcast where Chip Ingram, president of Walk Thru the Bible, tells Dennis Rainey how God’s prescription for love differs from that of Hollywood’s.

The following is a quote from the radio broadcast, God’s Prescription for a Lasting Relationship, with Dennis Rainey, Chip Ingram, and Bob Lepine, that originated from the ministry of Family Life Today. Here’s what Chip Ingram says:

“Hollywood, basically is saying that the whole key, if you listen — and by Hollywood, I don’t mean the actual place. I mean this culture that’s grown up, whether it’s music, whether it’s video games, whether it’s prime time TV, it’s all about, number one, finding the right person. It’s built in our DNA that the whole thing about love is there’s somebody out there, you’ve got to go find them.

And then fall in love. It will be a dramatic, spine-tingling, oh, this look in your eyes, this feeling will come over you, and then set your hopes and dreams upon them, and this person is going to come through and make your life.

So, step 1, find the right person; step 2, fall in love; step 3, fix your hopes and dreams on them; and then they do have a step 4. When that doesn’t work go back to step 1, and you have the wrong person so find someone else.

And so we have cultivated and developed this idea that if you’re not fulfilled, if it’s not ooey-gooey, if things aren’t going you way, if you don’t feel accepted, affirmed, then you must be with the wrong person, so find the right person.”

To either read the rest of the transcript of this broadcast, and/or even listen to it if that’s your choice (if your computer has sound capability) we will take you to the web site of Family Life Today where you can make the selection yourself. This is part 2 of a 5 part series that aired in May of 2007.

From their web site you can take advantage of either reading or listening to the rest of this very interesting broadcast.

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— ALSO —

To read a related article on this subject please click onto the web site link below to read:

• BUILD A MARRIAGE THAT GOES THE DISTANCE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.