After the honeymoon period starts to fade in the background, “regular life” starts to take place and you begin to see differences here and there that you hadn’t noticed in the same way before. Eventually those differences, along with quirks and habits, and yes, even children from a previous marriage begin to make themselves known, and demand your attention.

That’s when the “work” of being remarried begins. That’s when you decide if you will find ways to blend your lives together to make it work. Many couples begin their marriage by fighting about these things, and their children, and never get beyond that stage until it and they, finally works a wedge between them (and sometimes permanently).

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can determine that you will work through your many differences and will find ways to blend your lives and families together, no matter what! But it will take determination, perseverance, prayer, self-examination, a call to maturity, and sometimes every ounce of strength that you have available for that particular season of your life, to make that happen.

“Stepfamily, secondary family, blended family, combined family, extended family, expanded family, nontraditional family —whatever you call it, it is work. And exactly how you work at it can be one of the most important determining factors of whether your marriage will become what you desire” (Drs Les and Leslie Parrott, from the book “Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts”).

Are you up for the challenge? We pray you are. And if you don’t think you are, we hope you will pray until you finally are. With Christ all things are possible.

If you are reading this after you have entered into your remarriage relationship, the vow you made on your wedding day demands that you do everything you can to “love, honor, and cherish” each other for the rest of your lives. What is past is past. But today is a new day to persevere through whatever challenges you may encounter to make your marriage a good one.

The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 5:4, “When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.” You made a vow, now fulfill it. Do what it takes to make your marriage work.

It goes on to say in Ecclesiastes 5:5-7, “It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, ‘My vow was a mistake.’ Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.”

Pray, stand, and follow God’s leading in making your marriage the best it can be. And then you will stand in awe of God. We’ve seen and heard true testimonies of that happening repeatedly.

But it won’t be easy, as you’re already finding out. And when you add children from a previous marriage into the marriage mix —even when they are adult children (and you thought they would be “low maintenance”, only to find out the opposite), the work ahead of you is even more complicated. It’s been said about words to an old song:

“Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but love and remarriage aren’t as neatly complementary. The carriage may be so crowded that the horse has trouble pulling it” (Susan Kelley).

So how do you make this work? How do you “blend” your family together? You do it by persistence. You keep looking, working, praying, and finding ways to make it work. You “never give up” as Winston Churchill is so famous for saying.

As Albert Ellis said about marriage and the “art of love”, it “is largely the art of persistence.” You keep persevering and persisting, that whatever problem arises, you will, by the grace and wisdom you obtain from the Lord, get through it, around it, over it, beyond it, or whatever, to make your marriage and family life together the best it can be.

We pray that this web site will help you with that mission and that the articles, links, and suggested resources will also help you.

So, to assist you with one aspect of your “blending mission” we are providing a link below that will take you to an article posted on another web site that may help you with your adult step-children. Please click onto the link provided to read it:

• SECOND HALF STEP-FAMILIES: ADULT STEP CHILDREN

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.

Webster’s definition may have worked for blending milk, fruit, and ice cream into a milk shake, but we soon found that blending families was much more difficult. The children were not as amicable, the parents not as lenient with the spouse’s child as with their own, and ex-spouses often threw a glitch into plans.

Bringing two families together doesn’t necessarily result in a sweet strawberry shake. Sometimes the results are more like vinegar and oil. The two don’t naturally mix and they have to be shaken up often to combine the flavors into a palatable experience. As I speak with many blended families, I continue to hear the same old laments. “

My husband (wife) doesn’t love my child.” “Your child doesn’t respect me.” “Is it OK to buy new jeans for my child when his father hasn’t sent the child-support check?” “Why can’t my stepchild accept me?” “You’re not my mom (or dad). I don’t have to listen to you.” “I have more chores than your son does. Just because he doesn’t live here all the time doesn’t make that fair.” “I’m blamed for everything.” “She gets away with everything.”

The statements are numerous as the individuals. Most family members discover early on that harmony isn’t doled out in as abundant a measure as competition and conflict.

If this sounds familiar to you, know that you’re in the majority of families who are starting over after divorce and re-marriage. All family members are building a new lifestyle not necessarily as comfortable to them as the one they left behind. Our new spouse may not be a welcome addition to our children. They weren’t shopping for another dad or brothers and sisters. Compatibility of family personalities often seems an elusive dream for blended families. It’s, without a doubt, a difficult task—a labor of love requiring a great deal of perseverance to develop the family feeling we as marriage partners expect to achieve.

[Keep in mind that] awkward beginnings are common for blended families. Reality brings us a complicated sense of family from the start. Immediately each member of the family has emotional, physical, and momentary needs that won’t wait.

It takes a far greater measure of deliberate love choices to build a blended family unit than an original first-time family. The new home front is engulfed in a climate of uncertainty. We feel certain we can unite to our spouse, but what about uniting to our stepchildren? What about our stepchildren uniting with each other and with their stepparent? In most first-time families individuals take it as a given that they’re loved, even in times of conflict, simply because there’s a genetic connection. So there isn’t nearly as much work to be done to make everyone feel loved. They already do.

That’s not so for the blended family. As competitive natures surface, the fact that we’re not equally related by blood brings out irritation and choosing sides. It’s a “your family, my family thing” trying to coexist under one roof.

Sometimes tension occurs because a parent treats his own children with a different set of standards and portion of love than he allows his stepchildren. So emotional wounding can begin early on. Favoritism doesn’t go unnoticed. There is validity—and sad truth—to the story of Cinderella and the unloving step-mother and stepsisters. Life wasn’t fair for Cinderella. She got all the yucky chores, verbal abuse, and tattered clothing, while her stepsisters were pampered.

Today may stepchildren live out a Cinderella lifestyle as a result of remarriage. This places incredible stress on the unity of the marriage relationship. It’s also a poor example of becoming love-related in a blended home. Rather than expressing love, these parents are closing their hearts to some family members. Yet God gave us the ability to stretch our hearts to meet each child’s need for love.

Marital love blossoms when we open our hearts and become sensitive to the parental heart of our spouse. Remarried’s don’t just marry a partner, but a parent. Love allows parenting roles to be appropriately enacted within the family. A confident spouse accepts that he or she may not be as successful as his or her partner in certain parent-child discussions.

Love intuitively knows when to back off, not feeling threatened, and let our mate deal with a particular problem. Then we receive additional blessings. We gain a greater admiration from our mate, a probable resolution to the problem, new respect from a child, and a new depth of intimacy in our marital relationship.

Even those family members who do their best to be unlovable will most often respond, in time, when touched by love. This can be challenging, but also rewarding to the family unit.

Sometimes old, hurtful ways and hidden fears and pain thwart the unity we desire in our marriage. My husband and I found ourselves seeing past cycles repeat themselves. Sometimes we thought abut the “D” word—again. We were in the throes of cyclical dysfunction. Why did Charlie’s anger flare up so easily? Why did I experience so many instances of self-pity and desire to escape? Why weren’t we able to confront the issues of daily living without fear of rejection?

What was it that brought us to have the lifestyles we each possessed? Why were we so different? What were the driving forces behind our emotional responses? There had to be more to this madness than just the strain of a blended family.

We found the boldness to begin charting our individual histories. By digging deep we found an unusual appreciation for who we were as people. None of us chooses the family we were born into or where we will spend our childhood. We must attribute those circumstances to the decision of the Lord. Courage to look back came when we recognized God played a significant role not only in the past but also in the present.

We asked God to search our hearts, expose hurtful ways, and uncover hidden fears and pain. Through Bible study, we again found David to be our model of a God-centered man. He was a king—and a sinner—and a man after God’s own hear! He sinned big-time just like we had. But after adultery, deceit, and even murder, David knew he needed to seek the Maker of his soul. He was intensely burdened. His peace was gone. He asked God to search his heart and to clean him up.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:6-10).

Our desire was to be clean like David. We wanted to be honest with God and honestly know who we were. So we came to the Lord, sought His forgiveness, and began applying His grace. In the end we discovered the same peace and restoration David did. God’s desire was to give us a new beginning. Assurance of God’s forgiveness readied us to face the challenges of our life together. If God Almighty, the most Supreme Authority ever to exist, has chosen to set us free, we are free indeed.

The above article was gleaned from the book, “Blended Families” by Maxine Marsolini, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. This book is filled with hope and solid answers for those needing help in blending their families. The author, Maxine Marsolini, uses personal examples from her life and from others to address those areas of conflict common to divorce and remarriage and outlines practical solutions to help your family grow stronger—and your loved ones closer—through the inevitable challenges ahead.

“There is a perception that after a divorce or separation parents are active and children passive in their relationships. We found the opposite to be true. Adolescents are not passive,” study author and sociology professor Chad Menning said in a prepared statement.

“Adolescents after divorce or separation do no simply absorb parental resources as sponges absorb water. Rather, they gather and interpret information about their parents, dodge questions, engineer images of themselves, parry parents’ probes, maneuver between households, and cut ties with parents in efforts to exert their own authority and to secure their individual identities,” Menning said.

The researchers interviewed 50 teens whose parents were separated or divorced. They discovered strategies that include:

A. Withholding information from one parent to avoid punishment or to solidify a relationship with another parent. Children can gain an upper hand by controlling information flow because, following a separation or divorce, there is often reduced communication between parents.

B. Moving from one home to another. Children often move into the home of the parent who is less controlling. They do this to punish the other parent or to escape a situation they don’t like.

C. Cutting one parent completely out of the teen’s life. This allows the child to control when and where they have contact with that parent.

“None of these options would be open to a child in a single household with two parents,” Menning said. “Parents talk and form a team to raise a child. Separate the two parents and the child can use the situation to play one off the other.”

The above article was originally titled, “You’re Divorcing: Do You Know Where Your Teen Is?” published June 23, 2004 in HealthDayNews.

You may wonder why we would put the above article on a web site devoted to marriage. The reason is because we want to give married couples as much information as possible to help them interact with each other as a team.

When you remarry you already have reasons for the children of your past marriage to try to put a wedge between you. They usually want their mom’s and dad’s to be together. That’s only natural of course. But you also have to be aware of other problems that come from the dissolution of your first marriage where children are involved.

Your awareness will help you to “be on the alert” as the Bible talks about. The enemy of our faith is trying to work through every means he can (including our children) to put a wedge between our having healthy family relationships in Christ.

As your new family is forming you will need to be aware of the divisiveness that you may very well encounter. Ask the Lord to help you to work as a team in the marriage you are in so you will not to be divided in your resolve to be loving, responsible care-takers of the children God has entrusted to your care. And also ask the Lord to help you not to allow your children to pit you against their other parent.

The circumstances that divided you in marriage and brought about your divorce does not mean that you shouldn’t work to parent your children as allies in that endeavor. They need for you to be united in giving them love and in giving each other the grace of forgiveness in not treating each other with hostility. There’s nothing in the Bible that condones disrespectful, unloving behavior—even towards an ex-spouse—no matter how they’ve behaved.

You will need to set up boundaries with each other for the sake of your present marital relationship but you still need to treat each other respectfully for the children’s sake and for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We pray the above article helps you to be aware of some of the problems that you may encounter so you can treat the situation with the wisdom God will give you as you ask for it.

Slamming the ex is one of the most popular and damaging things divorced parents do to each other. Continued problems after divorce, and the anger that goes with it, are common. This anger can come from anywhere and may be left over from the issues surrounding the marriage or divorce. Issues continue to mount, as does the anger and often parents start talking about each other.

Who gets caught in the middle? Ask most any child of divorce and they can accurately tell you about the quality of their parent’s relationship. It is important to them, and they will listen closely for new or additional information about the relationship. They love both of you, and should not be made to suffer because of it. It can be very difficult to keep the negative issues away from the children, but it is possible to keep them out of the middle. The problem is many parents don’t realize the damage they’re doing or worse, don’t even try.

It is important to remember that your anger toward your ex is yours, not the children’s. The children didn’t divorce the away parent, you did. Try not to make your anger theirs. Children have a natural loyalty to both parents, and should be allowed to love each parent without suffering a penalty. Think about how you felt when your parents where attacked or bad-mouthed by your ex. This is a very common problem in marriage and can easily illustrate the bad feelings associated with parent bashing.

You may have experienced the same process if your parents confided in you about each other. Being placed in the middle is no fun, and neither is trying to choose sides. When children have to choose sides they are put in a no win situation.

Too often the children are made to be messengers. “You tell your mom not to bother coming one minute early to pick you up. I have till 5:00 pm and I’m not letting you go early. This is my time, not hers.” “You can tell your dad this is the last time he’ll see you until I get the child support payment.” Talk about “killing the messenger,” this is a terrible spot for children to be put in. This is a “black hole,” and should be avoided at all costs. Communication with your ex is your responsibility.

Remember that divorce creates insecurity in children. Having them handle your problems makes it worse. One of the best messages a parent can send their child is that they have things under control. This creates a sincere feeling of safety and security, and will pay off for your children. Money problems, rules, inconvenience, and scheduling are common problems with every divorce. The only way to handle these issues is through direct interaction between the parents.

For those of you who can’t seem to get through a conversation with your ex without fighting or arguing, an option might be the following. Dealing with these situations can be smoother if parents treat each other like they were transacting business. There are certain rules, times, and methods of exchanging information, and delivery. I would frame it around precious merchandise so valuable that it must be handled with extreme care. Communication and timing is of the utmost importance.

Try to start this new style on something relatively common. Do not start with who will pay what for the braces, or what age is appropriate for which piercing. Visitation always seems to be a factor. Rules are usually defined in the divorce decree. Many will set dates and times for visitation, and responsibilities for care. Use these statements as the foundation and build up.

The following is an example of what steps to take to minimize problems:

• Identify the opportunity (I did not say “problem,” you’re dealing with valuable merchandise here)

• Communicate about facts, not feelings. (Feelings are confusing, usually negative and contagious)

• Discuss the options and their advantages and disadvantages. Keep the information factual, not personal (Tina doesn’t feel well. not Tina is sick and you always forget her medication).

• Set up a clear plan. Repeat the plan to each other. Write it down.

• Follow through. Be courteous (would you keep your business client waiting?)

• Don’t question the merchandise (Let the children determine the topics they talk about).

Your relationship with your ex is not going away. Working together becomes a positive for everyone. Working together doesn’t mean you will always have your way. Be flexible and see if your “good will” comes back to you. Keeping the children’s feelings and well being first will help you when dealing with your ex. Remember, relationships waiver, but can always improve. You both maintain a common goal. Keep your children healthy.

The above article, written by Dr David A. Swift, can be found at www.smalleyonline.com (which services the ministry of Gary and Norma Smalley and their sons Greg and Michael). There are additional articles on the subject of step families on their web site under the “Featured Articles” section along with others on the subjects of marriage, parenting, dating, and more. They even have a weekly FREE E-Letter that you can sign up for at this same sight along with upcoming seminar dates and other information you may find helpful. It’s a wonderful ministry that we hope you’ll use often.

Vows are important because they bring to light the seriousness of the marriage covenant that the two people are making with each other. They also express the depth of the love relationship that exists between the couple.

Why Make Vows To the Children?

Too often, spouses underestimate how much of a part the “new” (”step”) children will play in the new marriage, regardless of their age. A child or children who do not feel a part of the new marriage and family, or who are resistant to the new spouse or family, can create great turmoil in the weeks, months and years ahead.

In a child’s defense, we need to realize that:

• The children were probably not asked (and likely did not choose) to be in this new relationship or family.

• Our spouse’s children are NOT extra baggage, along for the ride, or someone else’s problem. We need to see our spouse’s children as though they were a vital part of our spouse, because they are. We cannot separate our spouse from their children.

• The children involved may still be hurting from a previous divorce, loss of a parent through death, missing their other natural parent, still hoping their natural parents would get back together, and/ or some other negative emotions or situations.

Here is the reality: Your spouse and their children were/are “one” before you and your spouse vowed to become “one” in marriage. Your vows with your spouse do not circumvent the relationship they have with their children. Realize the fact that when you married your spouse, you really also married their children because they were already one. When you understand this relationship dynamic and begin to treat your new children with real acceptance, your marriage and family will grow.

Many spouses have tried to separate their spouse’s children from their spouse— by making their spouse choose between them and their natural children, or by causing a child or children feel unwelcome in the home. These marriage relationships suffer severely — and many fail.

Here is a solution: Instead of making your spouse have to periodically make an unfair choice between you and their children, you choose to be in covenant with their children.

It’s time to stop being a “step”-parent. Choose to love them. Choose to make them an integral part of your life. Just as you made vows to your spouse, make vows to your spouse’s children!

Sharing vows with children will do these things for your marriage and family:

1. You will make the children feel “significant” — that they are a real part of your life and the new home, not just on the sideline. This is SO IMPORTANT to get all members of your family started off in the right mindset. The sooner you create the right atmosphere, the better.

2. The attention that you give them during the vows will let them know that they are important to you, and to your new family.

3. You will become more aware of their presence in your home, and of your responsibility toward them.

4. You will enhance the relationship between you and your spouse. When you embrace your spouse’s children in this way, you embrace your spouse more completely.
Already Married? Do it anyway!

Maybe you and your spouse chose the out-of-town island wedding. Perhaps your children were too young when you married, or maybe you just did not think of including your children to this extent in your wedding. That’s OK!

The good news is that it’s not too late to share vows with your “new” children (stepchildren), and make them feel a vital part of your life!

Should Your Children Make Vows?

That depends on the children. If the children are showing signs of resistance, we suggest not. We believe that expecting a child to make vows to an adult, parent-figure that they did not choose to be a part of their life can put pressure on the child. We need to remember that the child did not request the marriage. Let’s let children be children, and let the adults take the responsibility for building the family.

However, if the children are excited about the wedding and marriage, allowing the children to also make vows to the new parents would be acceptable.

You may want to ask the children their feelings about doing so, and not force them to do something they are uncomfortable with.

Need A Great Sample Vow?

Brian and Ashley VanDreumel, good friends of ours and members of our church, allowed us to print the following vows that they wrote and shared with each other’s children on their wedding day. (We had the privilege of officiating the VanDreumel’s wedding.) They each stooped down and looked the children straight in the eyes as they spoke these vows into their new children’s lives.

Groom: “(children’s names), I want you to know that I dearly love your mother. We have become very good friends over the weeks and months and we have learned to love each other. As you have so graciously shared this wonderful woman with me, so will I share the love I feel for her with you.

Together, we will learn much more about each other. I promise also to be fair and to be honest, to be available for you as I am for your mom, and in due time, to earn your love, respect and true friendship. I will not attempt to replace anyone, but to make a place in your hearts that is for me alone. I will be father and friend, and I will cherish my life with all of you. On this day when I marry your mom, I marry you, and I promise to love and support you as my own.”

Bride: “(children’s names), I want you to know that I dearly love your father. We have become very good friends over the weeks and months and we have learned to love each other. As you have so graciously shared this wonderful man with me, so will I share the love I feel for him with both of you. Together, we will learn much more about each other.

I promise also to be fair and to be honest, to be available for you as I am for your dad, and in due time, to earn your love, respect and true friendship. I will not attempt to replace anyone, but to make a place in your hearts that is for me alone. I will be mother and friend, and I will cherish my life with both of you. On this day when I marry your dad, I marry you, and I promise to love and support you as my own.”

The bride and groom’s children then responded to the following vows when read by the pastor:

(Children’s names), do you promise to love your mother and her new husband?

Children respond: “I do.”

Do you promise to support their marriage and your new family?

Children respond: “I do.”

Do you promise to accept the responsibility of being their children, and to encourage them, support them, and accept them just as our heavenly Father accepts us?

Children respond: “I do.”

(Children’ names), do you promise to love your father and his new wife?

Children respond: “I do.”

Do you promise to support their marriage and your new family?

Children respond: “I do.”

Do you promise to accept the responsibility of being their children, and to encourage them, support them, and accept them just as our heavenly Father accepts us?

Children respond: “I do.”

There were not many dry eyes in the wedding hall when they finished!

We hope that this helps you understand the great value that children’s vows can play in laying a foundation to build your family upon.

Start planning how you will make sharing children’s vows in your family a special event. Then watch the attitudes of all involved begin to change!

Special thanks to Brian and Ashley for letting us share their vows with the world!

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

This verse refers to the “one-flesh” aspect of marriage. But there remains another valuable truth to apply. When a couple marries there are two action steps: leaving and uniting (cleaving). God speaks of the man and woman saying good-bye to former support relationships and uniting to each other, thus forming a new relational attachment with their spouse.

Leaving involves letting go of something familiar on which we have depended. It’s like an old pair of shoes—the fit is so comfortable we often balk at breaking in a new pair. They just don’t feel the same. It’s human nature to want to continue living inside our comfort zone.

As the wedding ceremony unfolds, the bride walks down the aisle arm in arm with her father. Moments later, she’s letting go of her father’s arm and placing her hand in the open hand of the groom, symbolic of leaving behind the familiar parental relationship and accepting the new attachment to her husband—for better or worse. This isn’t always easy to live out after the ceremony. There are many unknowns to discover after saying “I do.”

When we marry for the first time, God expects us to let go of parental control. For some, even this basic step isn’t effectively enacted. Some parents continue to exert a controlling influence over the marriage relationships of their children.

Multiple marriages create a need for a more extraordinary leaving process to be put in place. Remarried’s not only have parents who may refuse to let go, but also ex-spouses from whom to separate.

We aren’t always aware of the strong attachment we have to our ex-spouse. After all, didn’t the divorce settle all that? Not necessarily. If we have an excessive interest in controlling what is happening in the other household, if bitter thoughts persist, or if we find ourselves melancholy most of the time, we haven’t emotionally let go of the past marriage. This includes feelings of ill-spent anger, which represent a strong emotional attachment fueling a negative environment for your new family.

After choosing to remarry, we need to come to a place where we no longer see ourselves as part of the old marriage. Until then, we will be unable to biblically unite as a couple in the new marriage. Remaining emotionally scattered will bring hardship into your new marriage because your marriage partner cannot consciously feel he has all of you emotionally. The environment will be one of competing for spousal position with an ex-spouse. Cleaving isn’t effectual in this setting. What you will find is disenchantment with the marriage.

Cleaving is creating a bond, being stuck together, as with glue. We come first to our spouse rather than to others for comfort and expression of needs. Together we seek solutions to the storms of life. Together we share in the joys of life. As a synchronized team we forge workable boundaries for our blended home. We cling together in the good and the bad. We draw near to one another and understand the meaning of contentment and goal setting as a couple. The “I wants” don’t supersede the greater picture of “we.”

Larry and Lagene have been married for 13 years. Larry’s first wife died, leaving him to raise their two sons. Lagene was divorced and had two boys of her own when she and Larry began dating. Although Larry’s sons didn’t want a new mother, Larry and Lagene’s friendship blossomed into marriage.

“Blending our families hasn’t been easy,” Lagene remarks, “But I think it worked well because Larry made it clear to the boys that they were not to be disrespectful to me.”

“Did he just demand that of them without following through himself,” I asked, “or did he set an example for them to follow?”

“Yes, his example made all the difference. He has always treated me with high regard. When the boys are out of sorts with me Larry reminds them they’re not just speaking to their step-mother or mother, but to his wife. I began this marriage with an incredible assurance of Larry’s love. This was very different than what my boys witnessed when I was with their father. In that relationship I was often belittled in front of them and felt devalued.”

The boys came to respect their parents because of the unity their parents displayed. There was an assurance of order in the home because Larry and Lagene’s primary unit as a couple got off to a good start.

The above article came from the book, Blended Families by Maxine Marsolini, published by Moody Press. This book is intended as a tool for personal growth and a guide for small group studies or Christian counseling. The “Growth and Application” questions at the end of each chapter can be applied to all these settings to aid the family’s blending process. This book will work well within a church’s 13 week format for Sunday School classes. As the author said, “One thing for sure—blending doesn’t just happen. We purposely journey into it. And it takes years. I hope knowing that God has a plan for family victory will spur you on to meet these challenges God’s way and see them result in a happy family.

• Does a former spouse try to make waves in your family?

• Do you have hard feelings toward your former spouse, or your spouse’s?

We have heard from many families who call or write in about various issues that they are having with a former spouse. It is a common problem! In this article, we will look at common causes of the strife, and some reasonable solutions you might want to try.

Why the Strife?

Former spouses may be stirring up trouble in your family for one or more of these reasons:

1. a.) They are hurt from the breakup of their marriage. Rejection from a former love is a deep hurt that can take a long time to heal, especially if there was infidelity (adultery) involved. If they are still hurting, the hurt can lead to unforgiveness, bitterness, and ultimately revenge.

b.) They may sense their former spouse left them for their new spouse, which makes them bitter at both the former spouse and the new spouse involved (even if months transpired between your divorce and remarriage).

Because of bitterness and revenge, we have seen former spouses ally with their former spouse’s family, alienating the extended family (parents and siblings) against their own family.

c.) Your former spouse may have had hopes of reconciling with you. If so, your remarriage has likely broken that dream, and created additional hurt.

2. Jealousy can be a big factor. The fact that you have moved forward with your life can stir up deep feelings of envy in a former spouse.

3. Perhaps prior to your remarriage you and your former spouse were reasonably working things out regarding the children. Now that you are remarried, you may have had to change your approach with your former spouse such that your new spouse does not feel threatened by this relationship.

(Your relationship with your new spouse has to take the highest place in your life, making sure your spouse feels secure in your relationship.)

4. They may sense that the stepparent in your home is trying to alienate them from their natural child, or in other ways trying to circumvent their parental relationship or authority.

The natural parent — child bond is a precious thing, and when it gets threatened by a stepparent trying to bond with their new (step) child (which is the right thing to do), the natural parent may feel threatened by this activity. Such is the case when a natural parent objects to their child calling the stepparent “Mom” or “Dad.”

[New (step)parent — new (step)child relationships need to be built in your new home for a healthy family. There needs to be effort to bond. The natural parent and the children should know that the new parent is in no way trying to replace their natural parent.)

5. The former spouse may disapprove, not like, or disagree with your way of parenting or raising the children involved in your new home. There could be something you are doing that contradicts their fundamental beliefs.

Typical Responses That Do Not Work

• Ignoring them

• Stubbornness

• Tit for Tat

• Insult for insult

• Lashing out at them

• Aggression/ arguing

• Pushing their “HOT” buttons

• Name calling

• Using the children

• Threats

HELPFUL SOLUTIONS:

• Realize that the former spouse is not your enemy — the devil is.

Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood (PEOPLE), but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

The devil works through people to stir up trouble in our families. The devil looks for opportunities to use any of us to create division and strife in relationships. (He will sometimes have an opportunity to use you, when you are being selfish, rude, angry, critical, etc.)

• Try to understand the one who is causing trouble!

When someone is causing trouble in our lives, we become angry with them. We do not see any value in that person, and we do not want to let them off the hook.

Realize that:

a.) Perhaps the one who offended you never intended to harm you,

b.) It is hurting people who hurt people! Hurting people hurt people, and are easily hurt by people. Perhaps the presence of hurt in your offender’s life causes them to hurt you and others. Just knowing this will help you to deal with those people in a more tolerable way.

c.) God STILL loves that person as much as He loves you. Jesus paid THE SAME great price to remove your offender’s sins — and your sins.

We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge offenders by their actions.

When we have hurt someone, we ask for forgiveness, saying that we did not mean to hurt them; our intentions were right. We want the Benefit of the Doubt for our actions.

However, when someone has hurt us, their actions speak louder than their reasoning, and we usually hold them accountable. We distance ourselves from them. We don’t give them the Benefit of the Doubt.

• An apology

IF you and your new spouse can agree on this course of action, try talking to your former spouse about why they are being difficult. (You may already know why.)

If they are reacting to pain in their life from the divorce, apologize to them for:

1. Your faults/ actions that caused the former marriage to fail.

2. The hurt you have caused in their life.

The apology will need to be sincere. And it may go a long way to beginning a peaceful life.

(An alternative would be to write them a letter. However, be aware that letters can be misinterpreted by an emotional person.)

• Pray for their salvation and God’s blessing on their life.

We know this can be tough to do, especially praying and asking God to bless someone who is tormenting you, but with your good intentions it can do miracles.

In Matthew 5:44-45, Jesus said, “But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”

We recently met a couple who were constantly dodging bullets for the last seven years from her former spouse. When challenged to pray for his salvation and God’s blessings on his life, they were very skeptical that this would even work. But after one week of praying, the former spouse called (not once, but twice) to apologize for all of his bad behavior — and complimented her on how well she had done raising their children! It was truly a breakthrough and a miracle.

You can also be a witness of God’s unconditional love to that former spouse. If you have a relationship with Jesus, you have what they need to heal their hurts.

In Luke 4: 18 Jesus said, “The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.”

WOW! What great love God our Father has for each of us — and that former spouse — to send His Son to meet our every need!

God just might want to use you to help them find His love and healing — what a thought!

Limit conversations with them. Make your conversations with your former spouse brief and informative. If they try to start an argument, then end the conversation. They may resist this, but after a few times they will begin to realize that you will not engage their behavior.

Do not let your new spouse be your messenger with your former spouse. Doing so can irritate an already tense situation.

A Simple, Powerful Prayer!

We have used a simple prayer over and over again in times when we felt that we were being attacked by others. We pray this before an encounter with someone that we know is interested in harsh and controlling words to us:

“God we command the mouth of the devil working through this person to be quiet, in Jesus’ Mighty Name!”

It has always worked for us. You may want to give it a try.

(Note: DO NOT pray this verbally in the presence of that person, unless you WANT a harsh reaction!)

Legal Recourse

There are times when issues can only be settled through the legal system. When the other person is continually bringing harm to your family and will not reason with you, you must take the necessary steps to protect your family from negative outside influence.

If necessary, consult your attorney for advice.

Pick your battles! Some issues are not worth a fight. It is better to work around some issues than to buck them. Don’t let your emotions engage you in a battle that will pay little dividends for your family.

Example: If your struggle is over getting the children for a specific holiday, choose to celebrate the holiday on a different day — and enjoy a peaceful day.

Above all, walk in the Character of Christ found in Galatians 5:22-23 (Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.)

Do not let another person’s negative emotions trigger the same in you. Maintain control of yourself, and your family.

Be a peace-maker

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.” Matthew 5: 9 (NIV)

The same verse in the Message translation says, “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.” Matthew 5: 9 (MSG)

Remember that your children do not need to see their natural parents in strife. Do whatever you can do be a peacemaker, and minimize the strife.

Take the HIGH road. Do not let a person’s negative action create your negative reaction.

Prayer will change the things that you cannot change!

The above article came from the BAF Ministry, Blending a Family Ministry, founded by authors and Pastors Moe and Paige Becnel. Their web site can be found at www.blendingafamily.com. This is a great ministry “to help blended families become successful, peace filled, loving families.” They have many helpful resources (including additional articles to read) and a monthly newsletter you can sign up to receive — all available by going to their web site. If you’re dealing with step-parenting situations we encourage you to visit their web site. They give great insights to help you “blend” in a more peaceable way!

— ALSO —

The web site of Successful Stepfamilies, addresses the following question:

Q: “My ex-wife is bad-mouthing my new wife and me. How can we get her to see this is making life for the kids more difficult?”

To read their answer:

CLICK HERE

To read other articles posted on this topic, please click onto the following links:

• THE “EX” FACTOR

• 10 RESPECTFUL STRATEGIES TO USE WITH AN UNHEALTHY CO-PARENT

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“I hated it when my ex-husband wouldn’t come in and visit for awhile,” Sharon told me. “I’m not going to bite!” I just wanted to know how he was getting along and tell him about my folds’ 50th wedding anniversary party. It’s been so long since we’ve talked about anything on a friendly basis. Is that so bad?”

Sharon’s comment is typical of divorced spouses who would like everything to seem “okay” again. After the fighting has calmed down, people seek the familiar. Many divorced women, like Sharon, feel that if they can resume some level of intimacy with their ex-husbands, he must still care or at least is no longer bitter. No one wants anymore rejection.

However such feelings are artificial and incomplete unless the ex-husband reciprocates in that old friendly way. If he doesn’t, the ex-wife remains in emotional bondage, seeking affirmation of her self-worth from her ex-husband.

With time, our memories of unhappy times fade. We block the pain and tend to remember only the sweet times, often exaggerated in our minds. A man laughing and recalling better times with his ex-wife may suddenly feel the strong emotions they once shared. Thoughts of love, old embraces and nights of passion can ignite a spark in his mind.

When he begins to entertain these thoughts, they can move to memories of bringing children into the world together and all the powerful bonds of marriage. Suddenly he’s filled with doubt again. Do I still love her? Did I make a mistake? Feelings of failure and regret rise within him. This can cause him problems in his current marriage, or tempt him to renew levels of intimacy with his ex-wife.

My husband shared a “word picture” of how he regards his ex-wife. When we don’t know how to categorize our relationship with someone, it’s helpful to say, “He’s like a father to me,” or “She’s like a sister.” My husband thinks of his ex-wife as the “Daycare lady.”

Imagine a nice lady who lives down the street. She owns the daycare center in your neighborhood. Every morning she drives to your house to pick up the kids. Sometimes you might drive to her house to drop them off. They get in her car and she takes them for the day. You relax and don’t worry about them because you know she loves them and takes good care of them while they’re with her.

When they come home and report something fun or nice the “Mrs. Daycare” did for them, you appreciate it. You don’t feel jealous. You know you’re their parent and they will always love you, but they have room in their heart for her too. You’re glad that your children have many adults in their lives to love, teach and care for them.

You and “Mrs. Daycare” sometimes smile and wave to each other in the mornings. Once in awhile she’ll take a minute or two to report trouble with the kids’ behavior and tell you how she’s handling it during the day. You may stop and tell her about the children’s rashes and leave the ointment with her for the day. You don’t spend a lot of time talking to her when you pick the kids up, and you don’t socialize on the weekends.

You consider your relationship with her the same kind you’d have with a child’s school teacher. While she’s a trusted caregiver for the children, you have your own life, circle of friends, and have no need to know more about or get involved in “Mrs. Daycare’s” personal life. You don’t tell her how to run the daycare center and she doesn’t tell you how to run your home. You have agreed to trust that you’re each doing your job.

Every month she sends you a bill and you mail her check out on time. That’s the extent of your personal relationship with her.

This picture helps my husband honor his ex-wife for the role she has as mother to his son, and helps him encourage his son’s loving relationship with her. It also helps him realize he doesn’t need to be any more emotionally involved with her than he would be with “Mrs. Daycare.”

The above article is from the book, How to be First in a Second Marriage by Rose Sweet published in by College Press Publishing Company, Joplin, Mo. This book is excellent in giving very practical insights in to how to resolve conflicts in a second marriage.

1. Become knowledgeable about the stages of stepfamily formation, stepfamily myths, and challenges as soon as possible. This helps couples to recognize that they are not the only ones experiencing the chaos. Know that it takes 3-5 years for a stepfamily to bond, so there is no such thing as an “instant family.”

2. The biological parent should discipline his/her own children. It takes young children about 3+ years to bond with a new stepparent. During that time, the role of the stepparent is simply to develop a relationship with the new stepchild. The stepparent can also assist his/her spouse by supporting and reinforcing the biological parent’s rules.

3. Be aware of the double-digit rule: children over 10 years old may or may not bond with a new stepparent. Therefore, stepparents must be realistic about the type of relationship they expect to have with their new stepchildren.

4. The step-couple must quickly learn to tolerate ambiguity —everything is ambiguous and uncertain in the first 3-5 years. The couple must also have good adaptive skills or make it a point to learn them.

5. Learn to balance the needs of the kids and the needs of the marriage (couple bonding). Obviously, the children’s needs come first. But you can get so busy putting out fires with the kids that you have no energy left for building a relationship with your spouse. So, set a date night each week or so and go out and have fun. Make it a point not to talk about the kids or the problems at home. This is couple time.

6. It is important to seek counseling early. It is so helpful to have a third party to assist you in resolving disputes over parenting styles or children issues.

7. ‘Different’ does not mean ‘wrong.’ (Although we had very different parenting styles, we both wanted the same things for our children. We often argued about whose method was right. Experience eventually taught us that there is more than one way to raise children who become responsible and loving adults.) The key is to respect each parent’s approach and to recognize that it is unfair to the children to demand that one parent’s approach should change immediately after the remarriage occurs.

We continue to add to our list of lessons even now that our children are young adults.

Dr Jeff and Judi Parziale have been married for nearly fourteen years. They each brought three children into their marriage. The challenges of working through the issues of remarriage and stepfamily life led them to start InStep Ministries.

InStep Ministries is a faith-based nonprofit organization dedicated to serving the community by providing practical, Biblical resources, support and counsel to single, divorced and remarried individuals, their families and the churches who minister to them. InStep is pro-marriage not pro-divorce. They subscribe to the position on marriage and divorce espoused by Fresh Start Ministries. Their vision is to connect every single, divorced and remarried person to a community of faith. You can visit their web site at:www.instepministries.com

Of course, that was just a start. How do new spouses move smoothly into the closets, kitchen and bedroom of their predecessors? Whether they’re marrying a young divorcee or an octogenarian widower, emotional landmines are everywhere.

More and more Americans now face this challenge. Older empty-nesters often don’t realize how tricky it is to build a new relationship while staying put in a homestead jammed with reminders of the old one. And in the wake of a divorce, younger parents assume kids from earlier marriages will be more stable if they’re not uprooted. But children often resent the newcomer as an intruder — and a previous spouse can haunt a home forever.

Joy Baxter of Walnut, Calif., says it took seven years and three remodelings for her to feel psychologically comfortable after moving into a home her husband had shared with his first wife. The ex-wife often returned to the house and headed for her two daughters’ bedrooms, as if it were still her home. “I’d stand at the front door, frozen,” says Baxter. “I felt very threatened.”

Many women never feel the house is theirs, says Perdita Norwood, who runs a support group for step moms in Branford, Conn. She tells of one woman who tried to rearrange the family kitchen. “She was shorter than the first wife, so she put things on lower shelves where she could reach them,” says Norwood. “She’d be looking for a salt shaker and find it had been put back on a higher shelf. She couldn’t tell if the children were being difficult or just doing it out of habit.”

Divorce mediators, marriage therapists and family advocates often advise couples to start fresh in a new house if they’re financially able. Otherwise, prepare for resistance. “A child might say, ‘Don’t dare move that ashtray! That’s where my mom kept it!’” warns Margorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Association of America.

Second wives and stepchildren aren’t the only ones who struggle with this transition. When second husbands move in with new wives, they’re often uncomfortable living in a place that was paid for by another man.

Men whose new wives move in with them also have to navigate between memories they want to preserve and the new spouse’s desire to leave her imprint on the home. One man told me his new wife is upset because many of the touches in his home — paintings, dishes, and furniture — were his first wife’s. “Some of these things are important to me,” he says. “I did have a past life with a spouse, but it was my life, too.”

A new spouse can certainly change the decor in the master bedroom, but changes elsewhere, especially in kids’ rooms, “should occur so gradually, they’re imperceptible,” advises Barbara LeBey, a former family-court judge in Atlanta who has written a new book, “Remarried with Children.”

She also says children shouldn’t be discouraged from displaying photos of a parent who is no longer in the home.

People whose spouses have died after long marriages can leave some reminders of them but should trim down the displays before a new spouse moves in. Mementos such as your giant 25th anniversary portrait should be put in storage or given to your adult children, says Sam Margulies, a couple’s mediator in Greensboro, N.C.

New spouses who move into a home where a first spouse has died must accept that “dead people become more perfect every day, and their memory is always sitting at the table,” says Engel. She says a late spouse should be considered a continuing member of the household. Her advice: Look in a late wife’s cookbook for the most stained pages, then ask the kids to help fix their mom’s specialties.

Diane Safran, a therapist in Westport, Conn., worked with a girl whose terminally ill mother had a long talk with her, giving her permission to love the next woman in her father’s life. Though the house was sold after the mother’s death, the father remarried and recreated the daughter’s bedroom in his apartment.

Not all parents are so accommodating, however. New York attorney Harold Mayerson was involved in a case where a second wife moved into her new husband’s loft and hired a consultant to create harmonious energy in the home. After the consultant suggested turning a bedroom into an office, the man’s 17-year-old daughter’s bedroom was taken away from her. “It was a shock,” says the daughter, now a college student. “That had been my room forever.” She doubts the loft will ever have good energy.

Still, some couples can thrive in an old homestead. Baxter says she now has a loving bond with her step kids and is friendly with her husband’s ex. A turning point came 7 years after she moved into the house. The ex was over for her daughter’s birthday party and asked to use the bathroom. “Sure,” said Baxter, “it’s down that hall.” Then she caught herself, and both women laughed. “That’s when I realized it really wasn’t her house anymore.”

The above article, originally titled,  “Moving In Can Be a Difficult Transition for a Second Spouse” was written by Jeffrey Zaslow. It appeared in the Wall Street Journal Oct. 20, 2004. Even though it’s not written from a Christ-follower’s perspective we still thought it could help those of you who are considering remarriage. It brings up some good points that could become very helpful when you read it together and then discuss the different points that may be relevant to your situation—hopefully before marrying if possible.

But, in most cases, moving into a new home is not feasible or practical. It may require children to leave established friendships, change schools, may be too expensive or may not be wise for other reasons. Weigh the pros and cons with your spouse, and make the best decision you can for all involved.

When moving into an already established home, try these suggested steps to make things run smoother:

• Be sensitive to the incoming family members’ feelings— they are likely to feel like outsiders or even unwanted guests at times.

• Be sensitive to the existing household members — they are likely to feel invaded, especially if changes happen too quickly or they must now share their room.

• Be willing to compromise regarding furniture and other household items — use items from both homes and ask the children for input on which possessions are most important to them.

• Have a family garage sale to sell off excess items (get the kids involved selling sodas and/or lemonade— and let them keep the money).

• Tackle a redecorating project together to make the home yours as a family.

• Go slow — too many changes in the home, too quickly can be overwhelming to the children (and adult) already living there.

• Step into the incoming members’ shoes — what would make them feel more like it’s their home too?

Our Story:

Soon after we married, David and his children moved into a home I already owned. I quickly became resentful as my stepchildren threw their backpacks and shoes all over the floor each time they entered the house, thinking — they’re treating my house like a hotel they can trash then leave.

After an enlightening conversation with their mom and a hard look at our home, I realized two things:

(1) they did the same thing at their mom’s house and
(2) our walls were covered with photos of my children, but none of my stepchildren.

I adjusted my attitude, and we adjusted our home to better include all the kids.

The above article was written by Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer who is a mother of two and the stepmother of three. She is also a freelance writer, speaker and the author of 29 Ways to Make Your Stepfamily Work. She is a regular contributor to Your Stepfamily magazine, the official publication of the Stepfamily Association of America, and she publishes Stepfamilies Work! —a website and free monthly newsletter.

29 Ways to Make Your Stepfamily Work… Creative and Practical Tips to Help Your Stepfamily Survive and Thrive is written by Kelly Kirkendoll Shafer. This book helps you to make your stepfamily work even though stepfamily life isn’t easy. It helps you to know that it can be complicated and overwhelming. But it can also be an opportunity for growth and joy. With teamwork, creativity, commitment and grace, Kelly and her husband, David, have found ways to beat the odds and make their stepfamily work. In “29 Ways to Make Your Stepfamily Work,” Kelly shares the secrets to her stepfamily’s success. They also have this available in an E-Book.

That’s a fair description of too many second marriages. When the remarriage creates a blended family, in which at least one of the spouses becomes a stepparent, the footing is even more treacherous.

TO READ MORE
in an article titled “Dangerous Crossings”
From the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine

CLICK HERE

-ALSO-

To read a few additional articles that could help you in your marriage adjustments as well as working together in step-parenting, please click onto the following web site links to read:

• BOTH THE MARRIAGE AND THE KIDS

• WHAT ABOUT BLENDED FAMILIES?

-ALSO-

To read two additional articles on another area of remarriage where there you can find many step family challenges —the Christmas holidays— please click onto the links provided below to read:

• UNWRAPPING STEP-CHRISTMAS

• HOLIDAY HOPE FOR BLENDING FAMILIES

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

The past has very little substance, but it stays close to your heels. (Unknown)

It is human nature to view new relationships in light of previous ones. It’s like putting on sunglasses that are tinted yellow or black—everything you see has a yellow or black hue. We often view our current relationship through a previous marital lens (and family-of-origin lens) that sometimes leads to negative assumptions and expectations.

Sometimes the meaning we ascribe to specific behaviors is also interpreted negatively. If these assumptions are not examined or the lens isn’t taken off, a new marriage can easily be colored by the experiences of the first (or second).That’s why it’s critical that divorced persons take time to resolve the ending of their marriage before jumping into another relationship.

I recommend individuals wait at least 3 years before beginning a serious relationship. All too often, however, people rebound from one failed marriage into another and take their tinted glasses with them. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negative events in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive. This second barrier to marital oneness in the step family is what I call being haunted by [what can seem to be] the ghost of marriage past.

Terri’s first husband had an affair. She came home one day to discover he had packed his stuff and moved in with a woman half his age. The fallout from this rejection was almost more than she could handle. But with the help of a supportive church family, she and her eight-year-old son survived.

Bill made her feel good again. They met through a mutual friend and hit it off right from the start. He listened to her anger, supported her through the custody battle, and helped her son with his homework. Terri found herself trusting him with more and more of her life.

After the wedding, though, Terri would ask questions if Bill didn’t come home on time. When they talked she shared her thoughts, but not quite everything. She often felt it wise to watch her step and not become too transparent. After all, look what happened last time. When they made love, Terri offered her body to Bill, but not her passion. In other words, she was willing to meet his basic sexual need, but guarding her heart meant never fully joining her soul to his.

A year into the marriage she decided it wise to put money in a secret bank account, just in case anything ever went wrong. Finally, Terri invested much of her time in her son, “because his father hurt him so much.” Terri was haunted, and her marriage was slowly being sabotaged.

Don’s second wife misused money. She continually forgot to record checks in the ledger, charged out the maximum amount on their credit cards, and bounced numerous checks. Even before the divorce, Don’s credit was ruined; he had to borrow money from his parents to buy a car for his third wife, Judy.

The first time Judy forgot to record a check in the ledger, Don started sweating. Emotionally he withdrew, and financially he demanded control over the checkbook. Judy was granted an allowance, and all expenditures beyond that had to be pre-approved by him. Taking control seemed to be the only way to prevent another bad situation. But Judy’s resentment over Don’s controlling behavior created a new bad situation.

What’s truly ironic about being haunted by [what may seem to appear to be] the ghost of marriage past and responding out of fear is that you can systematically bring about a self-fulling prophecy. If you treat someone as untrustworthy long enough, he or she may give up trying to win your trust and begin to act untrustworthy. After all, you’re going to respond as if he or she is anyway. What does the person have to lose?

I have a cartoon of a man shouting at his wife as she drives off with her luggage: “Marie, don’t leave me. My ex-wife will think she’s right when she says no one can live with me.” That’s a man who is married to one woman, but emotionally tied to another. In fact, his divided attention has left him unable to meet his current wife’s needs and resulted in a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one can live with him.

Becoming a “Ghost” Buster: For most remarried partners, treating a current spouse fairly requires becoming a “ghost” buster. You must examine how you have been influenced by your previous relationships and strive to adjust your responses to similar circumstances. Recognizing your negative interpretations of the other’s behavior is sometimes difficult. Often a husband or wife will say, “Why are you overreacting to this?” or “Wait a minute. I am not you ex!” When that happens, take some time to reflect.

Examine whether your past is still part of your present. Then replace your reactive behavior with more appropriate responses. You may also have to struggle with matters of forgiveness as difficult emotions and memories come to the surface. Work to take your “ghosts” to the throne of God and lay them down. You’ll never regret leaving them behind.

In addition, admit your “ghosts” to your spouse and enlist help as you fight to change your behavior. Ask your partner to pray for you and compassionately point out when he or she thinks you are being “haunted.” Talk to friends, grieve your past, and grow into your new marriage.

“But I don’t know what else to do,” someone might say. Then ask yourself, “If I had never been hurt before, how would I respond in this situation? If I were to treat you as if you are trustworthy, how would I act?” The answers to these questions are a great start toward how you should act and what you are trying to become.

CONCLUSION: Marriage is tough under any circumstance. Remarriages all too frequently fall prey to the common issues of escalating conflict over money, sex, and in-laws just like all other marriages. Yet some unique and unforeseen barriers do exist. That’s why step family couples must make their relationship a priority and must work harder—and smarter—at their marriage than anyone else.

The above barriers can quickly or subtly destroy a marriage, especially when they work in concert with one another and compound their impact. For example, why would a wife want to make her husband a priority and risk alienating her children when she is mistrusting? If she’s not sure her husband will be there in two years, why not stick closer to her kids? After all, they’re not going anywhere. Truly, the risk of marriage is vast. But so are the rewards for those who give it all they’ve got.

The challenges to remarriage are real. Gather all your resources, invest in marital enrichment programs, talk with other step family couples, and keep God at the center of your relationship. Your step family is depending on you.

The above article and so much more helpful information can be found in the book, The Smart Step-family… Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, published in 2002 by Bethany House www.bethanyhouse.com. This is a really good book that we highly recommend!

This book is written on the “information is power” premise. It weaves together a review of biblical materials, current psychological and sociological research, best practices, practical insights, and anecdotal stories to educate and support stepfamilies and the clergy who serve them. Ron Deal explodes the myth of the “blended” family as he provides practical, realistic solutions to the issues that stepfamilies face. He helps remarried and soon-to-be-remarried couples to: recognize the unique personality and place of each family member, and helps to solve everyday puzzles of step parenting and stepchildren relationship.

You can visit Ron Deal’s web site at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com which has so much helpful information and help for those who are dealing with this area of marriage.

GHOSTS OF MARRIAGE PAST

There are many unseen hurts that can haunt your relationship. The following is a link to an article posted on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine that discusses these hurts and then offers ways to combat them.

(Just arrow back to return to this web site
if you desire to do so after reading the article.)

To read the article:

CLICK HERE

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE HAS A GHOST

If you’re married to someone who is haunted by a prior marriage, the following link will take you to the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine which could help you with this problem.

(Just arrow back to return to this web site
if you desire to do so after reading this article.)

To read the article:

CLICK HERE

You will determine the success of your next relationship by the investment you make in becoming a healthy single. Your friendships, habits, spiritual disciplines, attitudes, expectations, doubts and fears—everything that defines who you are and what you will need in a relationship—will all play a role in the success or failure of your next relationship. The healthier you are, the better your chances of success.

So the question is, will you take the time to invest in your own healing and growth? You may be wondering, what exactly does that mean. The list below highlights some things you need to bring to a healthy relationship. How many of these do you have right now?

• A healthy single lifestyle
• A good relationship with your children
• A meaningful connection to a community of believers
• Adequate grieving of past losses
• Resolution of any emotional issues such as guilt, anger or bitterness
• Realistic expectations about future relationships
• A handle on any abuse issues, addictions or self-sabotaging behaviors
• Effective communication and problem solving skills
• A willingness to change and learn
• A willingness to repent and forgive
• An ability to know and articulate your needs
• A healthy release of the past
• A willingness to understand and respond adequately to the needs of a partner
• Accurate, realistic information about remarriage and step family life
• A well thought out sense of what you want in a partner and what you have to give
• A committed relationship to God

However, if instead you bring unrealistic expectations, underdeveloped relationship skills, unresolved issues from the past, and inaccurate information into your next relationship, you’ll repeat unhealthy patterns and behaviors that will sabotage every one of your relationships. Becoming emotionally, spiritually and relationally prepared for the challenges of remarriage is far more critical than fine-tuning your list of qualities in a potential partner.

The healthier you are, the better relationship choices you will make. DO NOT CONSIDER REMARRIAGE UNTIL YOU ARE SPIRITUALLY, RELATIONALLY AND EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY. In fact, restrict your dating until you’ve addressed these issues. Please keep an open heart and mind about this. In Philippians 1, God promises to complete the good work He has started in us. It will take that kind of personal commitment.

God wants to partner with you in both your personal growth and healing as well as in your remarriage. Only when Christ becomes your true source of intimacy will you be able to establish healthy relationships that are driven not by fear or loneliness but by your fullness in Christ and a desire to share life with another.

The above article appears in the excellent book, “Looking Before you Leap …Again! … Preparing Yourself for the Adventures and Challenges of Remarriage” by Jeff Parziale, Ph.D. and Judi Babcock Parziale, Ph.D., published by InStep Ministries. Jeff and Judi are the directors of InStep Ministries—a ministry to single, divorced and remarried individuals and their children. In addition to counseling, support services and printed resources, Jeff and Judi are available for workshops and seminars. For more information, please see their web site at: www.Instepministries.com.

The financial pressures of remarriage are frequently greater than a first marriage because of alimony, child support, and a wide variety of second marriage complications. Caution: These questions need to be addressed somewhat delicately but, at the same time, openly and honestly.

Make doubly sure your assumptions are compatible in this area today, and you will be half as likely to divorce tomorrow!

Ask each other the following questions.

1. If we inherited a million dollars, what would you want to do with it?

2. What percent of our income should we give to the church we attend? Why? What percent of our income should we give to charitable organizations?

3. How much income would you like us to make (together) this next year?

4. How long do you expect both of us to continue working outside the home?

5. Where would you like to live in five years?

6. What do you think about credit cards? How many credit cards do you have now? What are the debts on each? Which cards should we continue to have (if any)?

7. Will our income support the standard of living to which we are accustomed? If not, what adjustments are we willing to make after the wedding?

8. What should we do with my car? Your car? What kind of car would you like to drive in five years? Ten years?

9. About how much should we spend on clothing a year? How much do we currently spend a month?

10. Should we change our checking account arrangements (joint versus separate accounts)?

11. Who should write the checks for our monthly bills? Who should balance the bank statement each month? Why?

12. If we need a larger (or smaller) house, when should we begin planning for it? How can we afford it?

13. Do you think our children should be given a car at age sixteen? Why or why not? If so, how expensive a car, and for what reason?

14. Do you think children should be given an allowance? If so, how much at ages five, ten, fifteen, twenty-one? If not, why not?

15. How much should we spend a year on luxury items such as jewelry, furs, athletic equipment, trips, etc.?

16. What percentage should we tip a server who does an outstanding job? A poor job? An average job?

17. How much should you have to pay to have your hair cut? Styled? What is a suitable tip for these services?

18. How much life insurance should we have? Health insurance? What company? Which agent?

19. How do you feel about borrowing money from our parents, friends, or relatives?

20. How do you feel about loaning money to our parents, friends, or relatives? What if they couldn’t pay it back?

21. What percent of our income would we be saving?

22. How would you have the most amount of fun if we only had five dollars to spend some evening?

23. How much should we spend on special occasions like:

• Birthdays: each other’s, parents, children, friends, others

• Anniversaries: our own, parents, friends, relatives, others

• Other special days: Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day

• Christmas: each other’s gift, parents, children, other relatives, coworkers, friends, Christmas tree, decorations

24. Who should do the gift buying for birthdays? Anniversaries? Christmas? Other special days?

25. How do you feel about declaring bankruptcy? Is it ever OK?

26. What should be the dollar limit on purchases made without the other person’s knowledge? Why?

27. What are your feelings about a monthly budget?

28. Prioritize the following household items as to their importance to you.

____ Athletic equipment ____ Compact disc player ____ Color TV

____ Dining Room furniture ____ Food dehydrator ____ Dishwasher

____ Food processor ____ Hobby items ____ Freezer

____ Bedroom furniture ____ Living room furniture ____ Piano

____ Washer/Dryer ____ Microwave ____ Video camera

____ VCR or DVD player ____ Stereo system ____ Other: ________

29. What are your total financial obligations right now? Which debts should we try to reduce or eliminate first?

30. What are your financial obligations relating to alimony and child support?

31. What are your feelings about a will? How will each of our families be cared for in our new will?

32. What should the children inherit when we die? If there are children from separate families, how should our assets be distributed?

33. What investments do you have today? How do you see these investments after we are married? Who will manage them? Are they now a part of our will? Do you want to invest more money? How? When? [Key discussion at this point in the relationship].

34. How would you feel about paying bills that my former spouse created, and I am now obligated to pay?

35. What was the financial settlement from your divorce? May I see your divorce papers?

36. How would you feel about facing financial pressures that may develop in the future relating to my previous marriage? (e.g., How would you feel about appearing in court several more times, costing $5,000 each time?)

37. What are your feelings about a prenuptial agreement? Do we need one to protect ourselves and our assets? [A prenuptial agreement is a written legal statement made prior to marriage, stating your intentions regarding each of your assets, debts, etc.]

38. Where should the child support money go? Into a general fund, a separate checking account specifically for the child, etc.?

39. Are you willing to pay for counseling for my children? Children who don’t live with us?

Marriage Missions Note: You will find a web site link to additional questions below the following information:

The above thoughts come from a small booklet entitled, “Pre-Remarriage Questions: Helping You Start Again” by Bobb and Cheryl Biehl. It is still be available through Amazon.com as a used book. As the authors say, “The questions in this book are designed to help you in the process of seeing your fiance so clearly that you make a wise decision in the choice of your lifemate.” We so agree that this is important to do before marriage. You can’t ask too many questions. You need to know all you’re possibly getting yourself into by marrying this person.

-ALSO-

Please click onto the link provided to find more questions on this topic:

• MONEY QUESTIONS FOR DATING COUPLES

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“As I conduct stepfamily seminars around the country, the two most consistent questions I hear from single-parents are: 1) ‘Should I remarry?’ and 2) ‘When we get married, how do we help our kids and family to succeed?’ I never tell couples whether they should remarry, but I do admonish them to step away from their remarriage fantasies and consider the realities of stepfamily life. 

In order to make a step in the right direction for you and your children, you first must understand the challenges of stepfamily living and then make an informed choice about remarriage.”

The above statement was made by Ron Deal who has a ministry called Successful Step-families.

He wrote the following article, which we believe will give you many great insights. It appears on his web site. To read what Ron has to say, click on the link below:

• Is Remarriage A Step in the Right Direction?

Eyes Wide Open

The following list represents key “costs” and “challenges” every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you —and your children —will be grateful later.

1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating. No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.

2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding. Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind-and this is very important— that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, “Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that.”

When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16 th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs).

3. Know how to “cook” [or make] a stepfamily. Most people think the way to “cook” a stepfamily is with a blender (”blended family”), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.

The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.

4. Realize that the “honeymoon” comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning. Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good-and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.

5. Think about the kids: “Yours and Mine.” Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.

6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties. Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an “emotional tug-of-war”) and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.

7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do. It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.

8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers. Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.

Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.

9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready. No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.

10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:

• It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.

• It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).

• You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.

• You don’t have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.

• You don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.

• You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.

• The stress of our new home will reduce-eventually.

• I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.

• Work Smarter, Not Harder

For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Don’t begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.

(1) Elizabeth Einstein, Workshop: “Strengthening Our Stepfamilies: A Developmental Approach,” November 7, 1997, Harding University, Searcy, Arkansas.

Ron L. Deal, M.MFT. is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family. He is family life minister for the Southwest Church of Christ and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Professional Counselor with the Better Life Counseling Center, Inc. in Jonesboro, Arkansas. He also serves on the Institute Faculty of the Stepfamily Association of America. You’ll find Christian resources for your church and home at www.SuccessfulStepfamilies.com.

This is a wonderful web site which we can’t recommend highly enough. It has great articles of interest. It ministers to individuals and couples and churches as well as organizations that are involved somehow with step families. They also have a subscription service that sends pro-active articles and information to all who sign up for it on their web site. This is a ministry which has been so desperately needed in the community because it truly helps marriages and families grow stronger and more healthy in their interaction with each other. We hope you’ll visit this web site and take advantage of the many helpful resources they have.

…This [article] is designed to give helpful information to you who are presently planning a remarriage or will become involved later with a person who may eventually become your new spouse. If you ever think of remarrying, read this material carefully. Even if remarriage is one of your major priorities and you feel it is God’ will to follow this goal, there are numerous practical aspects to keep in mind.

Whatever you do, be sure you’re guided by the Scriptures in your pursuits. Surround yourself with prayer to help you follow God’s will. We believe that God is Master of every facet of life and if you believe in his Word, every major step you take—including remarriage—will be directed by him.

As part of the research for writing this [article], we interviewed survivors who have married so that we could list criteria to consider before remarrying. Examine each item carefully. If you have difficulty resolving any of the questions posed, you need to examine more carefully your reasons for remarriage and your overall goals. The questions below are not listed in any order of importance, since each is vital to the success of your new marriage.

How long should you wait before you remarry? The answer depends on a number of circumstances. Some authorities say that it should be at least a year after the death of your mate before you make any major decision, which certainly includes marriage. If the death of your mate was sudden, the resolution of your grief may be particularly difficult, and you may wait several years before even considering the idea of remarriage. Conversely, if your mate had a lingering illness and you went through a partial process of grief before his or her death, you may be comfortable in remarrying in less than a year. If this is true, the timing of your marriage may be of secondary importance. We are convinced, however, that resolving the answers to the next questions could take several months, or even years, for some individuals.

…If there are children, how do they feel about your remarrying? This issue was a serious one for Rita and me because she had four adult children and I had three. At first my children had only a slight acquaintance with Rita, and her children did not know me at all. After studying this question carefully and consulting counselors and trusted friends, we took a path that has been reasonably successful in establishing a harmonious family relationship. We recommend the following guidelines for your consideration.

1. Introduce your prospective spouse to your children as early as possible. Much of any initial negative reaction is because the individuals really do not know each other. If possible, let all the children in both families get acquainted before any marriage plans are announced. When you meet the children of your intended, be as natural as possible. Do not try to be someone you are not. They might not accept you completely, but if you show yourself to be a “phony,” they will be even more suspicious. Especially if the children are young, respect them for who they are and be sensitive to their grief over the loss of the deceased parent, which may still be very painful to them.

Avoid recommendations about child-rearing to your intended at this stage. If his or her children make you uneasy and uncomfortable for any major reason, you had better have a serious conversation about your feelings. Even though it may be hard to accept, you will not only become involved with is or her children and other family members as well.

2. Although the feelings of adult children regarding your remarrying must be considered, the final decision must be made by both of you according to the best interests of all. Some children may be negative toward any relationship you enter because they may still be economically and emotionally dependent on you as a parent an feel isolated and neglected if you remarry or even consider doing so. A few people find it difficult to make adjustments in their life and always prefer the status quo. On the other hand, if your children are opposed because of some specific loving concerns, consider these aspects carefully. While you should be concerned about the feelings of your children, you need to take charge of your life and do what you believe is best of you.

The most logical step is to discuss your children’s reactions with your pastor or another counselor and some trusted friends who will keep the children’s misgivings confidential. You need the opinions of persons who are somewhat detached from your situation and can give you objective advice about your relationship.

Once you’re comfortable with the decision you have made, announce your intentions to your children privately and ask for their love, prayers, and goodwill. After you decide to remarry, most loving children will want your marriage to succeed and will be supportive. If not, the passage of time usually helps people adjust to new situation.

3. Absorbing young children into a new marriage may be a major source of conflict for both of you. When there are young children involved, assuming the stepfather’s or stepmother’s role may be demanding and traumatic. We have observed that a husband and wife may agree on nearly everything except how to raise children, their own or someone else’s! It’s nearly impossible to remain detached from such problems once a couple is united in a remarriage.

Often the family situation is still more challenging when you marry a divorced person and bring a child who has been living with the ex-spouse into your new home. Some children of divorced parents are very troubled and have a great capacity to spread discord wherever they go. Consider these possibilities seriously before remarrying.

Before you enter into a marriage where young children are involved, it would be advisable to air your concerns with your pastor and /or trusted friends. Don’t let the present grief of your mate’s death cause you to enter into a new marriage arrangement that is a profound risk for all involved.

What is the financial status of each of you? Of all the issues that may imperil a marriage, the subject of money can be the most deadly. The issues below must be studied and resolved before the marriage takes place.

Agreement must be reached if one of you has much more money than the other. There must be a clear understanding of how finances will be divided. There probably would not be a 50-50 split of assets in this circumstance. If this is a potential trouble spot, identify it early in a relationship.

A definite plan must be established with regard to spending money—whether it be for yourselves, children’s needs, recreation, vacations, or eating away from home. If you are planning to establish a joint checking account (with or without equal contributions to the account), there should be a clear understanding about which expenditures will be made from that source. Unless such a decision is reached, there is considerable potential for disagreement and stress.

A program must be agreed on with regard to checking, savings, and various investment accounts. The exact ownership and plans for these accounts should be described in detail in a prenuptial agreement (especially if either of you has children). Normally it is recommended that each of you keep your own name on any savings or investments that were yours before the remarriage. Decide whether the beneficiaries of the accounts will be your new mate or the children of one of you. Sometimes joint checking accounts are established with the understanding that both parties will contribute agreed-on amounts each month. For your mutual protection, property bought jointly after marriage should be stated on the title as “joint tenants with right of survivorship.”

Should you have a prenuptial agreement and new wills? The establishment of a prenuptial agreement before a second marriage is advisable, especially if there are children involved and either of you have various financial holdings. In the event of a divorce or death of one of you, each mate needs to have a clear understanding of his or her legal rights at that point.

New wills are an absolute must so that each of you will know which possessions will be yours on the death of the other and to formalize your wishes regarding any other separate or joint heirs. Be sure that your will mentions that a prenuptial agreement has been made. If it does not, there can be considerable heartache for all concerned. Your county’s legal society can recommend local lawyers who specialize in premarital agreements and wills.

Are you sexually compatible? One of the most important aspects of any marriage is the degree of sexual satisfaction attained by each member in the relationship. Your need for sexual gratification probably did not terminate at the death of your mate. Despite myths to the contrary, there is a substantial body of research data to show that the great majority of physically and mentally healthy persons remain sexually active up to age eighty and even beyond.

If you intend to remarry, discuss your degree of sexual interest and your preferences in this area with your prospective mate. There is potential for a great amount of stress and difficulty if a person who has previously had a very active sex life marries someone who has little interest in sexual intimacy or has different ideas of how to express that intimacy. One of the most authoritative books regarding this matter is Sex over 40 by Saul H. Rosenthal, M.D. Another interesting publication is Common Sense Christianity by Gerald Mann, who devotes an entire chapter to “great Sex for Christians.”

What are your religious beliefs? Of all the questions cited so far, this one may have the greatest potential for trouble between a couple. Resolve this issue before you pursue a relationship to any great depth. Our studies of this question have led us to some rather firm beliefs about related concerns.

Basic spiritual values. If persons of any age (especially older) have never been interested in such matters as church attendance, tithing, prayer, witnessing, and the need to be saved, there is a good prospect that they will not embrace all or even some of these aspects just because they get married. We hope that they will change their lives. However, they probably will not.

Evangelism in a marriage. The Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked” with a nonbeliever (2 Corinthians 10:14). To disobey this admonition may be an invitation to a stress-filled and unsuccessful marriage. Never enter a marriage with the expectation that your fervent witnessing will eventually lead your souse to accept the gospel truths.

What will be your living arrangements? There are many questions that need to be answered in this arena.

1. Will you live in the other’s home or your own?
2. Will you both sell your houses (or move from your apartments) and buy or rent a new dwelling place that is jointly “yours”?
3. Will you have his or her children (and/or your own) living with you?
4. Will you use some of the furniture of each mate or buy everything new?
5. How will you dispose of items not needed in the new home?

Our experience and survey data show that there are no clear-cut, desirable answers for each of the previous questions. …Each situation has to be judged individually to arrive at a plan that will be satisfactory for both of you. If either of you is unhappy about living in the other person’s house, you had best make other living arrangements.

Do either of you have family or financial obligations? Discuss these details completely before the marriage takes place. Jo and Linda were married some time after the deaths of their mates. About one month after the marriage ceremony, during a casual dinner conversation between them, Linda discovered the following information about Joe’s commitments:

• He had told his mother she could live with them sometime during the next two years instead of going to a nursing home.
• He was giving about $200 a month to his unmarried (and usually unemployed) son, who lived in the next town.
• He had taken limited bankruptcy three years ago and still owed creditors over $20,000.

Obviously this information was most upsetting to Linda. These facts, along with Joe’s refusal to compromise on certain religious issues, caused their later divorce. There should be no secrets of this type between two persons contemplating marriage!

Will you avoid comparison of your deceased mate with your new one? You will never find a mate exactly like your first. Your new husband or wife will no doubt have some good (and bad) qualities your first mate did not have, and vice versa. Do not place your former mate on a pedestal and challenge your new partner to be the same. Leaving the deceased’s picture on the wall and constantly remarking that he or she “was so good” about doing such-and-so is not conducive to a harmonious second marriage. Conversely, there is no profit in amplifying all the faults of your former spouse. Be fair and objective about your first mate, without making direct or indirect comparisons to your new or intended partner. What happened in your first marriage is history — let it go at that.

If you have grown children, what will be your contact with them after you marry? Your marriage will be a major adjustment for your adult children. If you follow some rather simple guidelines, your new marriage can be very successful.

First of all, let your children know that you still love them and that they should feel welcome to call you and see you within the bounds of common courtesy and good sense. Having a new husband or wife should not cause you to be isolated from your children, even if they have misgivings about the marriage.

Second, do not go to your children with every problem or conflict that you have with your new spouse, at least until all other avenues for resolution have been explored. Even then it may be counterproductive to do so. In every disagreement have a private talk with your mate and try to resolve conflict at that level. Playing “mind games” with each other’s children is a sure way of breeding major problems for a marriage.

How will you manage family traditions and holidays? The first Thanksgiving and Christmas following a second marriage calls for much planning and discussion. There are many relatives to consider, and a calm, well-developed plan can avoid much unneeded stress. Keep as many of your own family traditions as you can, but at the same time be ready to compromise to include your new mate’s relatives. You may need to have two Thanksgiving meals—or one big one for all. … Can your traditions and celebrations be exactly the same as with your first mate? Of course not. If both you and your new mate flexible and willing to try new plans, family gatherings can be harmonious, fun-loving, and wholesome for all.

To summarize, we want to emphasize that remarriage is not necessary or desirable for everyone whose mate has died. If you ask God’s blessings and are led to the proper person, however, a new marriage can be highly rewarding.

There were other valuable points made, that we weren’t able to include, from the chapter of the book, Coping with Life After Your Mate Dies, by Donald C. Cushenbery and Rita Crossley Cushenbery published by Baker Books, Grand Rapids, Michigan, U.S.A. 49516, from which this article originated. If you know of someone who needs help in coping with the death of their spouse, or if you have unresolved issues from your own spouse’s death, please consider obtaining this book because you could find it very helpful. As the authors say, “It is our desire that after you read this book, you will have a better understanding of how to cope with the death of your mate. We hope our comments will help you be a survivor in the fullest sense of the word—to live a triumphant life with the continuing understanding that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Coping with Life After Your Mate Dies is written to be read quickly and easily at a stressful time.

- ALSO-

To read a related article on another web site, written by Julie Donner Anderson, please click onto the link below:

• 10 STEP GUIDE TO MARRYING A WIDOWER

Americans are an optimistic lot. Perhaps nowhere is our optimism more apparent than in our approach to marriage. For one of every two of us, certifiable love can be expected to end in tears. Still, 90% of Americans marry. Indeed, surveys consistently show that for virtually all of us, men as well as women, marriage holds an honored place on our wish list, something we believe is necessary for attaining life happiness—or its slightly wiser sibling, fulfillment.

If our optimism steers us into marriage, it goes into overdrive with remarriage. Despite disappointment, pain, disruption, and sometimes even the destruction of divorce, most of us opt to get back on the horse. An astonishing 70% of the broken-hearted get married all over again. If you count among the remarried those who merge lives and even households without legal ratification, the de facto remarriage rate is much closer to 80%. Americans don’t divorce to get out of marriage. Yet a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly than first marriages.

If the divorce and remarriage rates prove one thing, it’s that conventional wisdom is wrong. The dirty little secret is experience doesn’t count when it comes to marriage/remarriage. A prior marriage actually decreases the odds of a second marriage working. Ditto if you count as a first marriage its beta version; three decades of a persistently high divorce rate have encouraged couples to test their relationship by living together before getting married. But even the increasingly common experience of prior cohabitation actually dims the likelihood of marital success.

“It’s so counterintuitive,” says Diane Sollee, M.S.W., a family therapist who is director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, an organization based in Washington, D.C. “It just seems obvious that people would be older and wiser, or learn from the mistakes of a failed first marriage and do better next time around. But that’s like saying if you lose a football game you’ll win the next one. You will—but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field.”

Remarriage may look a lot like any other marriage—two people, plenty of hope, lots of love and sex, and a desire to construct some form of joint life. It even smells like an ordinary marriage—the kitchen is busy once again. But it has its own subversive features, mostly invisible to the naked eye, that make it more tenuous than first marriage. It’s not impossible to make remarriage work, but it takes some concerted action to make love better the second time around.

Why Experience Doesn’t Count No, when it comes to relationships, people don’t automatically learn from experience. There seems to be something special about relationships, some unique and intrinsic element, that prevents people from even recognizing their failures. A close look at marriage suggests several possibilities.

Love deludes us. The rush of romance dupes us into believing our own relationship uniquely defies the laws of gravity. “We feel that this new, salient, intense relationship fills the firmament for us,” observes William J. Doherty, Ph.D., director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota and author of The Intentional Family (Addison-Wesley). “Under those conditions, our background knowledge of relationships doesn’t kick in.”

There’s not even more cynicism, once you fall in love again, Doherty adds. “You really think ‘problems are for regular people and our relationship certainly isn’t regular,’ so the problem had to be your spouse. Partners bring to remarriage the stupidity of the first engagement and the baggage of the first marriage.”

Marriage deflects us. Marriage in fact contains a structural psychological loophole, an ellipsis waiting to swallow us at the first hint of unhappiness. Being a two-party event from the get-go, marriage affords us the (morally slippery) convenience of thinking that any problems reside in our partner. We simply chose the wrong person last time. Or despite our shining presence and best efforts, the other person developed some critical character flaw or craziness. Either way, we focus—wrongly, it turns out—on the characteristics of a partner rather than on the processes taking place in the relationship, by definition involving both persons.

“Partners don’t reflect on their own role,” says Jeff Larson, Ph.D. ” They say ‘I’m not going to make the same mistakes again.’ But they do make the same mistakes unless they get insight through their own thinking about what caused the divorce and their role in the marriage failure.” Larson is quick to admit that our culture generally provides us with no road map for assessing ourselves or our relationships. And some people are just too narcissistic to admit they had any role in the failure of a prior relationship. They’ll never come to an understanding of what went wrong. That makes them lousy bets as new partners. What’s more, we’re deeply social creatures and even distant rumblings of threat to our most intimate social bond are intolerable. When problems develop, marriages become so painful that we can’t bear to look at our own part in them.

• Conflict confuses us. Our ability to learn about relationships shuts down precisely when marriage begins to get tough-and just because couples develop disagreements. Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships.

But many people have no idea how to resolve the conflict; they in fact see it as a sign there’s something wrong with the relationship, as well as with their partner. With low expectations about their own ability to resolve relationship conflict, explains psychologist Clifford Notarius, Ph.D., people go into alarm mode. The resulting high levels of physiological arousal distort couple communication even further and prevent any learning from taking place. “When a husband then hears ‘let’s talk about money,’ he knows what’s coming,” says Notarius. “He doesn’t think something different can happen. He shuts down.”

“Till our last dying breath we still think, ’someday I’ll meet a mensch and it will be perfect; he’ll fit with all my wonderfulness in such a way that it will all work,’” says Sollee. “We indulge the illusion that, with the right partner, conflict will be minimal.”

• Conflict rigidifies us. Arguments engage the Twin Terminators, the Arnold Schwartzeneggers of relationship life: blame and defensiveness. These big and bad provocateurs destroy everything in their path, pushing partners further apart and keeping them focused on each other. Invariably, marriage experts insist, whether the first marriage or the fourth, couples tend to trip over the same mistakes. Number one on the list of errors is unrealistic expectations of marriage. A decline in intensity is normal, to be expected, says Notarius. And in its own way, welcomed. It’s not a signal to bail out.

“You’ll be disappointed—but that opens the potential for a relationship to evolve into something wonderful: a developmental journey of adult growth. Only in supportive relationships can we deal with our own personal demons and life disappointments. The next stage of relationships brings the knowledge of having a partner who’ll be there no matter what, who can sit through your personal struggle for the hundredth time and support you. The promise of long-term relationships is the sharing of the secret self.”

Absent the knowledge of what a relationship is really like, partners tend to start down the road to divorce when the intensity wanes. Happiness, observes Pat Love, Ph.D., a marital therapist based in Austin, Texas, is the ratio between what you expect and what you get. “You have to suffer the clash of fantasy with reality in some relationship,” says Notarius. “Either you do it in the first relationship or you have ten first relationships.”

HOW TO REMARRY: Why is remarriage so difficult? The short answer is, because it follows divorce. Simply, something came before that didn’t work out well. People who divorced are in a highly vulnerable state. They want to be in close intimate relationship, but the failure factor is there. The divorced know what it’s like to have a steady dose of love. They know that life’s burdens are better when shared. But, says Love, “they got out, so they’re hungry. And when you’re hungry, you’ll eat anything.” The longing for comfort, for deep intimacy impels people to rush back into the married state. Says Love: “People tend to want to step in where they stepped out. They want to go back into the woodwork of marriage.”

Replacing Images Yet prospective remarriage partners need to build a relationship slowly, experts agree. ” They need to know each other individually and jointly,” says Robert F. Stahmann, Ph.D., professor of family sciences and head of a Marriage Preparation Research Project. “They need to know each other’s expectations.” They need time for bonding as a couple, because that relationship will be under stress through all the links to the past that will inhabit their present, none more tangible than children and stepchildren. In remarriage, children don’t grow out of the relationship, they precede it. Nor are they delivered by the stork as helpless little bundles, they come pre-packaged, with an entirely different set of agendas than the adults have. But more about that later.

Although feelings develop very quickly, courtship should be prolonged. It’s essential to allow enough time for the cognitive and emotional reorganization that has to take place. Says Love, “you’ve got to replace the image in your head of what a man or a woman is like based on your ex. It happens piece by piece, as with a jigsaw puzzle, not like a computer with the flick of a switch.”

Not Choosing Better Partners, Being Better Partners: Typically, when choosing a mate the second time around, people look for traits and tendencies exactly opposite to those of their first partner . A woman whose first husband was serious and determined will tend to look for someone who is a lot more fun. “Unfortunately,” observes Howard K. Markman, Ph.D., “to the extent they’re making conscious choices they’re looking at the wrong factors.” At the University of Denver, Markman and his colleagues are videotaping couples in a second marriage who were also studied in a first marriage.

“The motivation to do it differently is there,” says the researcher, “and that’s good. But they don’t know exactly what to do different. They’re not making changes in how they conflict, which is predictive of relationship quality.”

Further, he notes, both parties need to use the second marriage to themselves be better partners. “They both need to nourish the relationship on a daily basis. And they need to not do things that threaten the marriage in the face of disappointments,” such as hurling insults at one another. And of this he is sure: there’s even more opportunity for conflict and disappointment in second marriages because the challenges are greater.

Learning to Love Complexity: Remarriages are always more complicated than first marriages. “There are always at least four people in bed,” says Love. “him, her, his ex, and her ex-not to mention the kids.” The influence of exes is far from over with remarriage. Exes live on in memories, in daydreams, and often in reality, interacting with the children and, often enough, with your own parents and siblings. When you remarry,” says Larson, “you marry a person—and that person’s ex-spouse.” It just comes with the territory.

“A complete emotional divorce isn’t possible,” explains Minnesota’s Doherty. “You always carry that person around with you; a part of you retains a ‘we’ identity.” And if there are children, exes live on in the new household as permanent extensions of their children, arriving to pick up and deliver the kids, exerting parental needs and desires that have to be accommodated, especially at holiday and vacation times. What’s more, the ex’s parents are in the picture too, as the children’s grandparents, as is all of the ex’s extended family, as aunts and uncles and cousins.

Defusing Anger: Nothing keeps exes, and the past itself, more firmly entrenched in the minds of onetime spouses than anger, the negative emotion that keeps on giving. Unfortunately, anger is the typical byproduct of divorce in America, stoked over and over again by the adversarial legal process. Minimizing the impact of ghosts from the past means finding ways of unhooking from anger.

Venting Grief Divorce severs the legal attachment, but it doesn’t necessarily end the emotional attachment. It’s a myth that people can just “get over it,” says Stahmann. “There’s a lot more to it. You invested heavily in the relationship.” Divorce, he says isn’t unlike phantom limb pain. There’s nothing there but you can still have feeling. “You don’t fall out of love the way you fall out of a tree,” observes Denver’s Markman.

Even in the worst of relationships, says Stahmann, people entered in good faith. And they invested themselves in it. So it’s only natural they feel sad following the loss of that relationship. Often hidden, feelings of sadness and loss act as powerful undercurrents in a new relationship, preventing full commitment to it or keeping it from feeling fully satisfying. Unless people grieve the loss of the prior relationship and the end of the marriage, they’re at risk of staying covertly attached to it. “But they don’t grieve. Often they remain angry. Exploring the feelings of sadness, and understanding the ways in which the first marriage was good, is a way of unhooking from it,” he points out.

Many are the sources of loss that require some acknowledgment. Among the most ubiquitous:

• “There is pain from the fact of former relationships that didn’t go well,” observes Hawkins. It’s not only subversive in its own right, it sets up fears that both inhibit commitment to the new relationship and actively distort communication between partners.

• The loss of an attachment figure.”It has nothing to do with how you were treated,” says Love. “You lost someone you once cared about.”

• Loss of dreams for the future. The thing about being conscious is that we live in the future as well as in the present (and the past).

• Loss of intact family. We all harbor the idea of a perfect family, and it’s one in which emotions and biology are drawn along the same tight meridians. That doesn’t mean nothing else will work, just that it takes a greater degree of awareness and, often, much more effort.

• Not to be overlooked is a sense of failure. Observes Pat Love: “A powerful element contributing to vulnerability in a second marriage is a sense of shame or embarrassment stemming from relationship failure.” Denial of any role in the marital breakdown is notwithstanding.

• Grief is bound to be especially great among those who were dumped by their first spouse. For that reason, Jeff Larson recommends a waiting period of at least one or two years after a divorce and before a remarriage. “You can’t grieve loss and try to get used to a new relationship at the same time.”

Digging Up the Past: Stahmann emphasizes that for a remarriage to be successful, a couple has to look at their previous relationships and understand their own history. How did they get into the first marriage? What were the hopes and dreams? What expectations did they have? Yes, there was a time before the anger of divorce. By looking at the hopes and dreams they originally invested in, individuals learn to trust again.

“It’s essential that they do this together,” he says. “It helps each of them unhook from the past relationship. And it sets the precedent for looking at the foundation of the new relationship.”

Pat Love would take the joint exploration further. The reason second marriages are often short, she says, is that “people make up the idea that the problem was their prior partner. But you have to list what you didn’t like in your partner and own your own part in it. If you don’t understand your part, then you’re bound to do it again.”

“When you do something that reminds me of my old partner,” Love explains, “I play the whole movie in my head. I project all the sins of my past partner onto you. If you don’t want sex one night, then you’re ‘withholding,’ just like his ex.” The fact is, Love insists, “the things you didn’t like in your old partner actually live on in you.”

As necessary as is joint exploration of history, it doesn’t always take place. Couples are often afraid that a partner who brings up the past will get stuck there. Or that a discussion will reignite old flames, when in fact it helps extinguish them.”Couples often enter remarriage with their eyes closed more than in a first marriage,” reports Hawkins.” It’s as if they’re afraid the marriage won’t happen if they confront the issues.”

Once a couple has opened up and explored their pasts, they need to bring the kids in on the discussion. Most experts would reserve that conversation for after the wedding. “Kids don’t have the same understanding of how and why the prior relationship ended,” explains Stahmann. “Yet they need it.” On the agenda for discussion: how the adults got together, why the past failed, how contact with the biological parents will be maintained, and all the couple’s dreams and hopes for the future.

And just how will customs be merged? In any marriage, each partner to some degree represents a different culture, a different tribe with different traditions and rituals that have widely varying importance. Every symbol has a different meaning, every event a different set of implications and, behind it, a different history. The two distinct sets of highly structured traditions aren’t simply deeply emotionally resonant; they carry the force of commandment.

Yet the subtlest departure from tradition in ritual practice can make anyone feel like an outsider in his own home. One or both partners are bound to feel bad, even unloved, when their current family does the celebration “the wrong way.” The problem is culture clash is built in to marriage. “All marriage partners are incompatible,” says Frank Pittman III, M.D., an Atlanta-based family therapist whose most recent book is Grow Up: How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult (Golden Books, ‘98).” Not only have they been raised in different families, they’ve been raised as members of different genders, indoctrinated into a different set of roles and rules which left each of them as half persons.”

That, however, is where the fun begins. “When marriages are incompatible, there’s conflict and electricity and the need to discuss things and compare perspectives, and thus come to know one another and oneself. That’s the source of a marriage’s energy.”

In other words, wise couples heading into remarriage explicitly discuss and agree on which ritual styles will prevail when. That encompasses the little rituals of every day: Will dessert be served with dinner? Or are evening snacks allowed? Are birthdays a time of gift-giving or a time for personal reckoning? Then there are the big celebrations sprinkled through the calendar, culturally designated as holidays but more likely hurdles of stress in remarriage households.

Negotiating External Forces: As if there aren’t enough internal hurdles in remarriage, there are outside forces that may potentially undermine the union, too. “People who lived independently before remarriage often have jobs, friend networks,and hobbies that are anti-relational,” points out Stahmann.

“These are spheres where they may have come to invest a lot of themselves as a regular source of gratification.” He counts among the possibilities learned workaholism. “Such individual-gratifying activities can be very hard to give up. Couples need time to work out these patterns.”

Coping with Kids: Nothing challenges a remarriage more than the presence of children from a prior marriage, and most remarriage households contain kids. While 60% is the break-up rate for all remarriages, for those involving children, the rates are higher, approximately 65%. The failure rate is highest in the first years, before these multiplex families have even sorted themselves out.

One reason, says Minnesota’s Doherty, is that a remarriage with children has more potential under miners than any other human relationship. “All you need is one active conspirator. It’s not uncommon for an ex to play on the ambivalence or outright hostility that kids have to a remarriage, especially at the beginning. An ex can have you talking about him every day.”

He paints a real-life scenario. A husband and wife with two children get divorced. The man marries a new wife and acquires a new house, where the thermostat is kept lower than in the ex’s house. The kids pay a visit to their very loving father and when they return home the mother asks them what the house was like. They mention they felt cold. The ex wife calls her ex-husband demanding changes in the way he lives. The new spouse feels powerless in her own home; she can’t do anything. She gets mad at her husband because she thinks he’s not standing up to his ex.

If there are kids, partners to a remarriage don’t get a developmental period as couple before they’re parents—and then, because it takes time for family feelings to develop, that bond is immediately under assault by the children. For that reason especially, every family expert recommends that couples heading into remarriage prolong the period of courtship despite the desire and the financial incentives to merge households.

Even non-custody can pose problems. “Custody is a legal solution,” says Stahmann. “It implies nothing about the emotional reality of family. There are emotional obligations to children you may not have custody of.” A parent who shares custody or one who has only visitation rights is already experiencing some degree of loss regarding the children.

And the children themselves are in a state of post-divorce mourning over the loss of a “perfect” family and the loss of full-time connection to a parent . No matter which parent a child is with, someone’s missing all the time. That’s the starting position. “This sadness is often not recognized by the adults,” says Emily Visher, Ph.D. “But it leads to upset, depression, and resentment at the new marriage.” The resentment is typically compounded by the fact that the children don’t have the same perspective as the adults on how and why their parents’ marriage broke up. And the remarriage further deprives them of the custodial parent who’d been theirs alone for a time.

Financial obligations add more stress. Money is usually a finite resource and the outflow of money to another household is often a source of dispute in a remarriage. The flow of money within the household can be divisive as well. Many a stepfather thinks: ‘I don’t want to be putting my money into your kids’ college education when I didn’t put it into mine.’

“There’s an existential, moral dimension to remarriage families that’s not talked about,” says Minnesota’s Doherty. “The partners will always be in different emotional and relational positions to the children. One is till death do us part. The other is till divorce do us part. The stepparent harbors a deep wish that the children didn’t exist, the very same children the parent couldn’t live without.” And these are the complications even before getting into the difficult management issues of who’s in charge, who disciplines the children, and what strategies of discipline are used.

People need to develop “a deep empathic understanding of the different emotional world’s parent and stepparent occupy.” To be a stepparent, Doherty adds, “is to never be fully at home in your own house in relation to the children, while the original parent feels protective and defensive of the children. Neither ‘gets’ it until each describes what the emotional world is for him or her.” Each partner is always an outsider to the experience of the other.

The role of the non-biological parent is crucial—but fuzzy. “Twenty plus years into the divorce revolution and remarriage is an incomplete institution,” observes Andrew Cherlin, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. “It’s not clear what rules a stepparent should follow.” In successful families, the stepparent is somewhere between a friend and a parent, what he calls “the kindly uncle role.” Using a first name, rather than assuming the title of parent, goes a long way to giving the relationship the necessary friendship cast.

“The more a remarriage couple can agree on expected roles,” says Carlos S. Costelo, the more satisfied they will be. A Ph.D. candidate at the University of Kansas, Costelo is virtually the first psychologist to study the dynamics of remarriage. “There are lots of built-in ambiguities. ‘What am I supposed to do?’ ‘How am I supposed to discipline the kids?’ ‘How much money do I allocate for her kids?’ ‘How much time do we spend with her family at Christmas?’ The inability to come to consensus interferes with intimacy and commitment.”

Beyond Selfishness: “The key to remarriage,” says Stahmann, “is that couples need to be less selfish than they used to be. They have to realize there’s a history of something that came before. They can’t indulge jealousy by cutting off contact with kids. They can’t cut off history.” Selfishness, he insists, is the biggest reasons for failure of remarriage.

“The dynamics of remarriage are fascinating,” notes Doherty. “We all have a lot to learn. Remarriage families hold the secrets to all marriage. Remarriage with stepchildren illuminates the divergent needs and loyalties that are always present but often invisible in original families.”

It Takes a Village? Really! With so much vulnerability, and the well-being of so many people at stake, prospective partners to a remarriage need a little help from others. “The impression of family and friends on whether this remarriage will work is important,” says Stahmann.

Pat Love, herself in a remarriage, couldn’t be more emphatic. “You’ve got to do it by consensus. It takes a village. You’ve got to listen to friends. You’re in an altered state by way of infatuation. The failure factor is there, making you so fragile.”

In fact, Stahmann contends, the opinion of family members and friend is predictive of remarriage success. “Friends and family know a lot. They know who you are. They knew you married, and they can see how you’re in the context of the new relationship.” The trick is to listen to them.