That phrase of, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is being said and lived out by marriage partners here, there, and everywhere we turn, it seems. It’s like a deadly plague in epidemic proportions, that is infecting and killing marriages all over the world. We call it the “in and out of love” sickness, because that’s what it is.

I have to confess that this same insidious sickness invaded our marriage as well. A number of years ago, I felt the same way about my husband, Steve. I was tired of what was going on in our marriage and just wasn’t experiencing the same romantic feelings I once had for him so I concluded that I wasn’t “in love” with him anymore and that this “love” would never return. I wanted out!

These feelings, or lack there-of, almost brought about the death of our marriage relationship. Thankfully, God intervened to open my eyes and then to help resurrect a new love —a true love within my heart and mind for my husband. We now have a great marriage (with on-going work) and a deep, deep love for each other.

And since that time of our “lost love”, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to pass along to you. Hopefully, it will help someone in some way. Whether you’re the one who has heard those words said to you by your spouse or you’re the one who is experiencing that “lost love” in your heart, I pray you will be able to benefit from what I’ve lived, learned, and want to pass along to you.

Through what I’ve experienced and have learned it has been revealed to me that:

We can say the words “I love you” but that doesn’t mean that we understand what is involved in truly loving someone. Words can be cheap. Love is lived out by our words AND our actions. We can get a type of high from the experience and when that “high” leaves us, we’re ready to slink away and jump into the next emotional high of what “love” brings our way.

And in the wake of our jumping from one LOVE to the next, a lot of people —especially children, are left behind devastated. Somehow, we need to change this and reach for mature and growing love.

“‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.’” (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

Love is more than feelings. Feelings can deceive you. One minute you feel one way and the next you don’t. You may THINK you love, but actually what you could be experiencing is temporary infatuation, “lust” or a bio-chemical rush that lasts for a season that is unsustainable in the long-run without following through with decisions to help it to grow.

A great article to explain this phenomenon is posted on the Marriage Partnership Magazine web site. If you’d like to find out more about it please click onto the link below to read:

• WE’VE GOT CHEMISTRY

I didn’t realize this when I first fell in “love” and eventually married Steve. I can now see as I look back that my “love” for him was probably based more on a bio-chemical attraction than anything else.. I can totally relate to something that relationship expert Pat Love, explained about this type of “love”. She wrote:

“‘Love at first sight’ can happen, but most often infatuation begins with fondness or comfort in each other’s presence. Later there comes a flush or a quickened heartbeat upon encounter, or maybe a heightened energy when you are together. As the infatuation continues, separation from your love creates a great deal of anxiety. When not together, you daydream about reunion and anxiously anticipate the next encounter. To comfort yourself, you might replay former encounters in your mind, sleep with a shirt left behind, listen to a song that reminds you of him or her, or listen to an old message on your answering machine. As the relationship takes on special meaning, you long for further contact and spend time and energy scheming about ways to get together.

“…When the lover’s affection is confirmed, daily priorities get reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The penny-pincher blows a paycheck on plane fare. Sleep is sacrificed for [times together]. Long phone conversations and/or e-mails abound. Both people have a remarkable ability to emphasize what is admirable in the other partner. They may even feel compassion for negative traits to the extent of turning the into positives (’He is so honest, he told me all about his affairs’).

“The brain is an incredible creation; it begins working long before your birth and doesn’t stop until you fall in love.” (Pat Love, from the book, “The Truth About Love”)

Can you relate? I sure can! Not only can I relate to the fluttery feelings that infatuation brings, because I sure experienced that with my husband Steve for a long time, but I can also relate to the brain stopping —both during the infatuation stage as well as later as I lived out my own definition of love.

After the infatuation stage passed, I think my love for my husband evolved into something that was based more on how he made me feel. As long as he made me feel good about myself and our relationship, I was “in love” with him. But when the everydayness of marriage and circumstantial storms invaded our lives and many conflicts between us arose out of it all (plus, the fact that Steve and I were very young and immature), my “love” seemed to disappear.

As authors Dr Les and Leslie Parrott wrote in their book I Love You More:

“Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that’s what honest couples discover —that love, no matter how good, is never enough.”

And it sure wasn’t enough for us — at least not the type of love we had for each other, based mostly on feelings. I may have loved Steve in my own way, but it wasn’t the sustainable love that would hold our relationship together when problems clouded over our feelings.

It was at that critical fork in the road in our marriage that God revealed to me that:

Love is both a noun and a verb. In other words, “love” names and states your feelings (as a noun), but it is also something that demands action (as a verb) to help it to be and stay real.

Yes, I did many things for Steve (and complained about many of them when it seemed too one-sided), but I didn’t get the concept that my feelings wouldn’t always be pronounced or even evident at times, which would make me want to continue doing things for him.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one of the many places in the Bible where we can see that God points this out to us. Every “love is” that is mentions in those Bible passages, such as “patient”, “kind”, “does not envy”, “is not rude” etc, puts a verb to it. That doesn’t mean that love is ONLY about actions, but it’s a very important part of it. We sometimes forget that.

“While someone who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you’ seems to be making a distinction between ‘different loves;’ in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

“Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person. And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You“)

God taught me that I had to put feet to my faith and feet to my love for my husband. Love is both a noun and a verb. I learned that sometimes, even though the feelings of love were not there, I still needed to be loving in my actions and eventually the feelings would come along for the ride. What I did for Steve, I did “as unto the Lord” and trusted Him for the result. I needed to exercise mature love —the type that Jesus showed us “while we were yet sinners” as He died for us on the cross.

“Most people think that the FEELING of love comes BEFORE we express love — and in the beginning of a relationship, that’s what happens. You fall in love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings inspire your actions.

“But mature love asks more of you. To create a strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow. After all, you don’t jog two miles or skip dessert because you feel healthy. You feel healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage, YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!” (From the article “Change the Momentum of Your Marriage” by Mort Ferel)

I’ve learned that you can learn to love the same person all over again with intentionality and God’s help. I really didn’t think my love would come back for Steve. It’s something God had to work on in my heart and I had to trust Him for —all a part of the faith-walk we are on this side of heaven. I’ve talked to many others who have found themselves in the same place with their spouses and they thought the same thing. But I did what I needed to do, and they did as well, and our marriages got back onto the right track as a result.

It doesn’t happen this way for everyone, but I’ve seen that it happens more than we could imagine as we trust God to help us to live as we should, no matter what we see going on at the time.

For me, it was a journey that God took me on to first learn what real love was all about and to learn more about God, whose very name means LOVE. If He couldn’t teach me how to love and be one who is more lovable, who could? I got into the Bible and learned more about God’s ways, learned more about my husband, worked on my own issues and became intentional in living out the principles of love I was learning even before I had the feelings I desired. It was a difficult journey but one worth taking.

I can relate to what author Nancie Carmichael wrote:

“Marriage can be better than ever, if we will do what Jesus says. We can be very complicated when it comes to restoring love. We wait for ‘feelings.’ But we don’t need to wait for the feelings of love —we can “do” love. Jesus says that we are to do what He says. What does it mean to ‘do’ what He says?

“It means to be kind to one another. It means we will lay down our lives for each other —which could mean truly listening to one another. It means we speak the truth in love to each other and treat each other as we want to be treated. These are not dramatic, new ideas. But love never fails. It bears fruit. The amazing thing about Jesus is that feelings follow actions.” (Nancie Carmichael, from the Christian Mommies web site, in an article you can read further and learn more by clicking onto “Fall in Love With Your Spouse Again“)

Again, something that marriage expert, Mort Ferel says applies as well:

“Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable —you can ‘make’ love (from the article “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You“).

I realize by saying all of this, that I may be “preaching to the choir” —that you may be “doing” and “making” love until you’re ready to fall apart with no end in sight. And you may be exhausted barely hanging on.

I have to say that I don’t know the journey you are on in all of this. And I truly am sorry for you pain. It may be that you need to keep “doing” and keep asking God to show you how to endure going on without seeing an end in sight. I’ve seen this happen before. I’ve actually been there before in other prayer areas of my life.

I’m reminded of Noah and Abraham and Joseph and Job, from the Bible who probably saw no end in sight in answer to their situations despite all they had to keep doing all along their journey. But eventually they did see a positive answer to their toils and their prayers.

I’m also reminded of missionaries who will go years and years without a single convert and then eventually, because they kept going on and didn’t give up (even though they were discouraged more times than they could count), they saw a glimmer of hope. And hope was renewed and prayers were answered.

I’m also reminded of the many gold miners in the United States, years ago, who gave up JUST before they would have struck gold, and history records how close they came to victory, but someone else received the benefit of their labor instead. They gave up JUST before the going got good.

I can’t tell you if that is the journey you are on or not. I know that it tells us in the Bible “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

And I can tell you that Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

It also says in the Bible that “those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).

I can’t tell you that the “rest” or the renewed “strength” you will receive, or the “harvest” will come in the way that you expect, because God ways can’t be boxed in and predicted like that. But just as Elijah found out, God is there for us, even in a whisper (see 1 Kings 19) or a completely different way.

When we trust him and “lean not upon our own understanding” as we’re told in Proverbs 3:5-6, He will make our “paths straight” for the journey we are on. HE will “not leave us or forsake us” (see Deuteronomy 31:6 and Hebrews 13:5), even if others might do so.

He might be quiet for a while for whatever purpose He may have, but you can be assured that He loves you and is closer than you think.

This article cannot give you all the answers. I don’t have them. I’ve learned a lot through the years about love and marriage and not giving up and persevering beyond the strength I thought I had.

Some of you may have to live out tougher love than you ever thought you would or could. How I wish I could change that for you. I know the type of pain that involves and it’s worse than one can often describe. If you believe this might be the case for you, the following, are a couple of articles that may help you better understand this concept can be found at the following web site links:

• ASK DR DAVID: True Love Requires Tough Love

• TOUGH LOVE: 5 Keys to Staying Married When You Feel Like Calling it Quits

And then for a different twist, some ideas to pray about from an article that isn’t written from a Christian perspective (and isn’t posted on a Christian web site), but it gives you serious food for thought and something to pray about and consider when your spouse says, “I don’t love you.” Please click onto the link below to read:

• THOSE AREN’T FIGHTING WORDS, DEAR

Again, we can’t give you all of the answers within this article. But in my research, I’ve learned a few additional things from other marriage educators and authors that I’d like to pass along to you. It may be the reason you are to read this article, to gain a clearer understanding of your situation and then eventually the Lord will reveal more to help you in the future.

When a person says “I love you but I’m not IN love with you:

“It usually means that the attitude towards your spouse and marriage is not what it once was. …The person who says ‘I’m not in love with you anymore’ is searching for a feeling. The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and/or years of lifeless marriage — a marriage that has no intimacy. …’I'm not in love with you anymore’ actually means ‘I don’t feel close to you anymore.” (Angie Lewis from the Helium.com article titled “Testimonies: Falling In and Out of Love)

As I said before, feelings can come and go.

“A person who says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love! When a person says, ‘I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,’ they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.

“CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them. Being EXCITED about someone is a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them. (Mort Ferel, in the Christian Post article, “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You” (You can also receive Successful Marriage Tips via the email, on his web site.)

Again, there is a difference in feelings and the label we can put upon the term “love” but true love is more than having feelings for a person. There is more required to truly live out a “life of love” as we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2, “Be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”

How I/we wish we could infuse new and true love in your spouse’s heart for you, and/or love in your heart for your spouse! But as much as we wish we could, we can’t.

But what we can do it point you to the One who can renew your hope, encouraging you to believe that this is not the end of the world for you. The Lord can bind up your broken heart and bring healing and help in ways you may not be able to imagine at this time.

In closing, I would like to share something with you that is written in Stormie Omartian’s book, “Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage” (that we recommend you read). It is a prayer, based on scripture  that I believe God could use to help you in your situation. It’s titled “Prayer for Breakthrough in Me.” You may want to use it as an outline to pray through, for God to minister to your heart.

You can’t MAKE your spouse participate in your marriage in the way he or she should, but you can ask God to keep your heart and mind and focus centered on doing things His way, and to give you peace of mind in the process. Here’s the prayer:

“LORD I COME BEFORE YOU and cast all my cares at Your feet, knowing that You care for me (1 Peter 5:7). I thank You that Your plans for me are for a good future filled with peace and hope (Jeremiah 29:11). Help me to remember that no matter what is happening in my life and in my marriage, You will never leave me or forsake me.

“Lord, I confess as sin any time I have felt hopeless about my situation and especially about important aspects of my marriage. Your Word says that ‘hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life’ (Proverbs 13:12). When time passes for so long and I see no change, I feel heartsick and hopeless. But I confess any hopelessness I have to You, for You have said that whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin (Romans 14:23). It reveals that my faith in Your power to change things is weak. I pray that You would help me to not hesitate to hope again out of fear that I will be disappointed. I commit to trusting in You at all times. I pour out my heart before You, knowing You are my God of refuge (Psam 62:8).

“Help me to become a child —entirely dependent upon You, for I know that this is the safest place I can be. I pray that You would ‘search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting’ (Psalm 139:23-24). Enable me to become all I need to be.

“In the midst of challenges in my marriage I say, ‘Be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed by’ (Psalm 57:1).

“Even though we may suffer at times in this marriage because of things one of us has done or not done, I know that You are ‘able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us’ (Ephesians 3:20-21). I will be strong and take heart because my hope is in You (Psalm 31:24).

“Thank You that You put my tears in Your bottle (Psalm 56:8). I pray that You, Holy Spirit, would give me ‘beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’ (Isaiah 61:1-3). Make me to be a pillar of righteousness for Your glory. Help me to not cease my ‘work of faith, labor of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ’ for I know You can change everything in my life (1 Thessalonians 1:3). In Jesus’ name I pray.”

The above article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

“For most people, doubts begin with tiny hints, fleeting thoughts. ‘I wonder what my life would have been like if I had married my old boyfriend? I bet he wouldn’t take me for granted like my husband does!’ Sometimes these good feelings are simply neutralized, replaced by numbness. Sometimes they are malignantly transformed like healthy cells transmogrified into cancer cells, from feelings of love into feelings of contempt, distrust, and despair.”

“…There’s no more respect and trust between you. You can’t communicate. You’re always angry. You’re bored. You’re numb. You’re constantly on the defensive. Doubt can quickly turn into panic. ‘Time is passing — will my entire life be wasted because I made the wrong choice.?’ Panic is often accompanied by depression. The future looks hopeless. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing can be counted on anymore.

“…You may be at a place in your life where you’ve concluded that despite your good intentions, despite all of your hopes and dreams, despite what seemed like the right choice at the time, you married the wrong person. If this is your situation, you may have three choices of how to proceed: you can get divorced. You can force yourself to stay in the marriage despite the pain, or you can consider the possibility that, instead of marrying the wrong person, you created the wrong marriage, and you can take steps to forge a new marriage to the same person.” (Richard Matteson, Janis Long, from the book, What if I Married the Wrong Person)

We’re praying that if the above scenario is what you’re living through, you will make the choice to “forge a new marriage to the same person.” No one would ever testify that this would be easy. But God, whose very name means LOVE can teach you how to love the one you married. And making the DECISION to participate with God in this is a huge part of the mission.

“The world says, ‘If it feels good, do it. And when it doesn’t feel good anymore, leave.” God says, ‘I have made a covenant with you, and you have made a covenant with one another. I will give you what you need to keep that covenant.’ And our wedding rings stand as a symbol of that promise to one another before God.” (Marlene Bagnull, from the book: For Better, For Worse)

As you look at your wedding ring, use it as an inspiration realizing that God will never tell you it will be easy to do what it takes to “fall” in love with your spouse, but with God helping you, “all things are possible.” It will take intentionality and the continual decision to make choices to choose love over “what may come naturally” until prayerfully your feelings catch up with your actions. As one author said,

“Love is not easy or simple. It is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. This principle corrects a common misconception, that is easy to love, requiring neither thought nor effort. In other words, that is just a matter of doing what comes naturally!

“The fact is that love is costly. It requires much from the lover even when the giving is pure joy. If you do what comes naturally you will be wrong almost every time. Again, the Bible has the information we need on how to love. The most concentrated lessons on the art of loving your mate can be found in the Song of Solomon.

“Love is an active power that I can control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. We are barraged by propaganda suggesting that love is an uncontrollable feeling that comes and goes like a wayward sparrow. Most of the boy-meets-girl plots of films and television are based on the premise that love is a feeling that just happens. Or else it doesn’t happen.

“The truth is that love is an active power that you were meant to control by your own will. You can choose to love; you can do what is necessary to restore love to your marriage; and you can refuse to be enslaved by passing emotions.

“…Most people consider feeling to be of supreme importance. But the truth is that reason —what you think about love —is what controls your behavior. The desired feelings come as a result of right thinking and right actions.” (Dr Ed Wheat with Glora Okes Perkins, from the book, The Healthy Marriage Handbook by Marriage Partnership Magazine)

But how do you cause yourself to “fall in love” after you’ve made the decision to do what it takes to first love by actions? What do you do?

If you thought this would be an article that would give you 10 points to make that happen and you could do what it says, and all of a sudden — you fall in love, we’re sorry to say this isn’t what we can give you. Our intention is to help to motivate you to START the mission of “putting the heart of Christ” into your marriage — to love by “word and deed” that the Bible talks about.

What we’ve learned (by experience in our own once “broken” marriage and observing others who also walked this journey) is that the principles for loving are the principles for living as outlined and talked about throughout the Bible. As you apply God’s principles, and you prayerfully live by the guidance of the Holy Spirit — our “Wonderful Counselor” HE will teach you how to love your spouse in an individual way, such as you never would have known before.

Also, to help you a bit more we’re including in this article several links to articles posted on different web sites that might help you. Cindy Wilson (as told by Simon Presland) relates her own story where she says that not only did she come to believe that they never loved each other, she realized that they “never even liked each other.” But eventually God helped them to create a love together that they never thought they could have. Their seeming incompatibility didn’t stop this from happening.

Also, author Nancy Kennedy testifies in her article that she and her husband agreed that they “never should have married.” But in her article she explains “what we did about it.”

And then finally, Brett Williams, who is a Marriage/Family Therapist and author, explains how it takes more than casual dating one another as husband and wife to fall in love with each other again and stay in love.

To visit the web sites where these testimonials and articles are posted and read them what they have to say, click onto the links provided below:

• We Never Loved Each Other

• Did We Make a Mistake?

• I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
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Dr. Melody Rhode often uses a psycho-neurological term to describe a man’s reluctance to change: FUNCTIONAL FIXEDNESS. Men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing seems to be working for them. When a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change — and so it’s unlikely he ever will.

Melody notes, “There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man: ‘Why does your husband treat you badly?’ Answer: because he can.” This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse but to develop a new blueprint for a different future.

Melody continues. “If what he’s doing is working for him, why change? He needs a compelling reason to change, and it needs to be more compelling than your unhappiness or private misery with the situation.”

I would think that a God-fearing man would be motivated to change simply by understanding that his actions hurt you. But I’m also a realist. Some of you may be married to a man who doesn’t much care if his actions hurt you, as long as he gets what he wants. In such cases, allowing the behavior to continue while complaining about it won’t change anything. It’s not your pain that motivates him but his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than the experience of positive change.

Here’s the trap I’ve seen too many women fall into: a woman keeps expressing to her husband how he is doing something (or not doing something) that is hurting her. Even after several such conversations, he doesn’t change —or he’ll change for a few days and then go back to his old habits, at which point the wife complains again.

Still, no long-term change. The wife reads a book or attends a seminar and decides she needs to find a better way to communicate so she can get her message across, but even after this, there’s no permanent change. Her error is assuming that she’s not getting through. In point of fact, she is getting through to her husband—he may fully understand and be completely aware of her pain, but he’s not motivated by her pain. If he likes the marriage as it is, he’ll put up with an occasionally disagreeable conversation now and then.

In such cases, spouses need to make a serious evaluation. There was a point in “Jenny’s” marriage when she realized, based on her and her husband’s parents’ health history, that she and “Mike” could be married for sixty years. At the time, Jenny had been married for just fifteen years, but that left, potentially, another forty-five years of being together — which also meant another forty-give years of a situation that Jenny wasn’t sure she could live with.

“There is no scenario in my life plan in which I want divorce — none,” Jenny told me. “At the end of my life, my fervent hope and determination is to be, unreservedly, a one-man woman. But I also know enough not to overestimate my patience. I could put up with some disappointments at the time, but was I willing to live with this for another forty-five years? At that point, I felt I needed to be more honest about some struggles and more up-front about making a change. It created some discomfort for a season as I stopped pretending that everything was OK — but was a season of discomfort worth changing the course of our marriage for the next forty-years? Without question!”

Without nagging and without pretty recriminations (withholding sex, the silent treatment, a critical spirit, and so forth), Jenny gently but forcefully made her husband see that as long as he acted the way he did, their marriage was going to suffer in specific ways — ways that affected him. It was only when Mike started feeling his own pain that he was shaken out of his functional fixedness enough to change his behavior.

I believe Jenny makes an important point: be wary of over-estimating your willingness to live with a glaring hurt or a gaping need. Don’t pretend that Satan won’t exploit it or that you won’t be tempted by another man who happens to be strongest exactly where your husband is weakest. If, like Jenny, your ideal life plan leaves no room for divorce, you must honestly accept your weaknesses and be willing to create a climate in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage, and it is an act of commitment, not rebellion.

All this requires a very specific application based on your spouse’s personality, so I can’t give you “five steps to overcome functional fixedness” here — but you’ll receive plenty of ideas and suggestions as we touch on various topics throughout this book. [This is a good reason to obtain this book.] At this point, it’s enough to say that if merely communicating your hurt isn’t solving the problem, you’re most likely dealing with a case of functional fixedness, and you’ll need to be strong to address that issue.

Some women fall into the trap of failing to speak up for fear of losing their man; they don’t want to “rock the boat,” even though it appears that the boat is headed toward a waterfall. But this passive acceptance makes it more likely that the husband will stray; he won’t respect his wife for putting up with his poor behavior, and this attitude will only reinforce his disrespectful behavior. Sadly, many women think their husband’s anger is the great enemy of their security, but, if fact, weakness and the corresponding relational boredom pose a far more potent threat.

If you can stand strong and secure in your identity and in your relationship with Christ, courageously making it clear how you will and will not be treated, you will be amazed to see how to respect and show for yourself rubs off on your husband.

Things Must Change
Here’s the male insider’s view, right at the start: you have more influence over your husband than you realize. When you are a woman of respect, the last thing your husband wants is to lose you. If he things he can heave you and his aberrant behavior, he’ll take both. But if the day comes when he knows you won’t simply turn a blind eye to what he’s doing, when he thinks he might even lose you if he continues down the path he’s walking, he’s going to be shaken out of his functional fixedness and at least consider making changes.

…Dr Melody Rhode sees the threat of a husband’s losing his wife as perhaps the greatest possible motivator for a husband. Of course, we have to place this within the context of a covenantal, committed marriage. The Bible is very specific and very limiting regarding what constitutes an acceptable divorce. Discontentment, seeming incompatibility, and mere displeasure don’t qualify! Melody points out, “A woman’s power needs to be surrendered to God and used for his purposes, not our own.”

She also stresses, however, that most women, because of our culture, don’t realize the power they have to move their husbands. “They feel powerless because of their sex,” she observes, “and this has resulted in a lot of pent-up anger, frustration, and even desperation.” As your brother in Christ, I’m encouraging you to be bold, courageous, and strong. Use the natural and very spiritual influence and role that God has designed for you to move the man in your life.

… Our culture in general — even Christian culture — is on a long slide toward passivity that completely goes against who God made us to be.

Let me be blunt: hope is not a strategy. Merely “wishing” that your husband would change, merely “wanting” your marriage to be different, won’t do anything. The problem is that some Christians spiritualize wishing — we call it “praying.” Please understand, I’m not knocking prayer; I’m challenging a misconception about prayer, namely, that we can merely voice our displeasure and expect our world and our relationships to be transformed. True biblical prayer is about much, much more than that. It involves receiving our marching orders and then acting on them.

A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident, and a good marriage isn’t maintained by accident. I’ve never written a book by accident, and you can’t build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them.

Active God, Active Women
Genesis 1 provides our initial glimpse of who God is. The first thing God wants us to know is that he is an extraordinarily active God. In Genesis 1 there are thirty-eight active verbs describing what God does: he creates, he speaks, he separates, he calls, he blesses, he gives, and much more — all in just one chapter.

Then — and this is the key — he tells the woman and the man to do the same: “God blessed them [male and female] and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Genesis 1:28).

God made you, as a woman, to rule in this world, to subdue it, to act according to his image. Sin begins with sluggishness, despair, and despondency. People give up on their marriages, give up on prayer, give up on their churches, give up on their kids, and eventually even give up on themselves. They say, “It’s no use,” and start to sulk instead of painstakingly remaking their marriage — simply because their first (or even tenth) attempt failed.

This may sound like a hard word, but readers of my previous books know I’m not one to shy away from that. Your marriage is what you make it. The relationship you have is the direct result of what you’ve put into it, and in many cases, a marriage can rise only to the level of your courage. Initial romantic intensity is unearned; it seems to fall on us out of nowhere. But marriage has to be built stone by stone. We have to make deliberate choices; we have to be active and confront the weaknesses we wee in ourselves and in each other.

The above article comes from the GREAT book, SACRED INFLUENCE… What a Man Needs from His Wife to be the Husband She Wants, by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan, www.zondervan.com. There was so much more in this chapter and in the entire book that we would have liked to include in this article. But you’ll just need to find a way to obtain the book to see what else Gary Thomas has to say on this subject (and others). You’ll be glad you did!

In the pages of this book, you’ll find a fresh perspective to help you understand your husband: the view of the marriage relationship through a man’s eyes. Thomas gives you insider information on how men think, feel, and can truly be motivated. Does a heartbreaking marital problem—a hair-trigger temper, Internet addiction, irresponsibility, emotional distance —feel like an impossible roadblock to you? This book doesn’t gloss over issues like these but faces them head-on with a solid, positive advice.

Sacred Influence shows how God can bless you with a soul-filling intimacy as you and your husband are shaped into the people he intends you to be. This is a WONDERFUL book that we HIGHLY recommend for you to read. It really gives a new fresh insight into the male mind, along with spiritual help in seeing this from a Godly perspective. It talks about being a strong, godly woman that glorifies God, living out God’s plan for your life, and yet also being a true helpmeet for your husband.

A safe support system is one that helps you grow closer to God and stay focused on Him —regardless of your circumstances. A word of caution is appropriate here: Be careful not to seek support from someone of the opposite gender. Protect your emotions and the emotions of those around you. At least half of the people we talk with whose marriages are in crisis say they or their spouses are involved in adulterous relationships that began as “innocent” friendships. You are in a vulnerable place right now, and the next step you take needs to be the one that draws you closer to God.

(Marriage Missions Editors Note: We will give you several of the ideas that were noted in the book “Yes, You Can Save Your Marriage.” However, there are more illustrations and points made within the book that we are not able to share with you. You would need to obtain the book to read the rest.)

• Build a prayer team. Prayer is a key part of your support system —especially if your spouse is unwilling to work on the marriage with you. However, don’t expect all your prayer support to come from just one person or else you will run the risk of wearing out your welcome. Proverbs 25:17 says, “Seldom set foot in your neighbor’s house —too much of you, and he will hate you.” Strong words, but true when it comes to placing unrealistic expectations on others. Build a same-gender prayer team of 3-5 people in order to spread out your phone calls and prayer requests.

• Find a same-gender support partner. It is vital that you have someone to walk alongside you if your marriage is in crisis. My best friend from high school was my support partner during my separation from Joe. Karin prayed for our marriage and helped me stay focused on God. Neither of us knew a lot about the Bible, but we searched the Scriptures together and asked our pastors and leaders lots of questions. As a result, we helped each other grow spiritually. A word of caution here: Just as Moses was instructed to look for special qualities when choosing people to help him, your support partner should exhibit these three qualities:

1. A healthy fear of God (Proverbs 1:7)
2. A steadfast love for the truth of God’s Word (Proverbs 2:1-5)
3. A willingness to regularly pray for your marriage (1 Peter 4:7-8)

• Attend a same-gender support group. Most communities offer a variety of faith-based support groups that deal with specific needs. Find a support group that centers on Christian principles. If your church doesn’t offer anything, contact one of the larger Christian churches in your area.

Mary is an example of someone who found the comfort she needed in the same gender support group after her husband walked out: “When I realized my husband had been unfaithful, I was devastated. The words separation and divorce weren’t even part of my vocabulary. I was a Christian —active in our church —and I believed and trusted God for direction in my life. When my husband said he was leaving me, I panicked and I didn’t know where to turn. I was embarrassed and hurt, and all I could think about was saving my marriage.

“At first I was hesitant to go to our church leaders because I was teaching in a Christian school and was afraid of losing my job. Instead, I contacted a ministry outside our church for advice. Through this ministry, I was able to find a Christian women’s support group about 15 miles from home.

…”My prayer group, which consisted of seven ladies —some from my church —was also an important part of my support system. When my husband first left me, one of the ladies called my every morning just to make sure I was up and ready to go to work. Another allowed me to call her late at night if I needed to, which was very helpful. That was sometimes the hardest and loneliest part of the day. God seemed to work it out so that I had contact with one of these ladies every day. I could never have gone through my marriage crisis without my weekly support group and their prayers.”

• Attend a group Bible study. Attending a Bible study offers you an opportunity to meet other people who are spiritually mature. The discussion times will help you grow in your relationship with the Lord and with others. Choose a Bible study in which the leaders have been trained to teach solid doctrine. The apostle Paul wrote to Titus, “You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine. Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance. Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good” (Titus 2:1-3).

• Be disciplined by a mature Christian (especially if you are a new believer). In your church or Bible study, find someone who is more spiritually mature than you. This person needs to know Scripture well enough to help you stay on track biblically. When Joe and I were separated, I was discipled by two women. After I read about the importance of older women teaching younger women (see Titus 2:3-5), I asked a retired school teacher from my Sunday school class if she would be willing to disciple me.

Leah and I met every Friday morning. Instead of going through a structured study, I asked her for advice in particular situations —either with Joe, the kids, or my work. She would usually say, “Well, I’m not sure what you should do, but let’s go to God’s Word and see what He thinks you should do.” It was a great way for me to learn how to find biblically-based answers for daily living.

The other woman who discipled me was about my age, but she had been a Christian and studied the Bible longer than I had. Sally and I lived near each other and walked together every morning for exercise. She lovingly confront me every time I took Scripture out of context to get my way —which was more often than I’d like to admit.

Guard Your Heart

Having a safe support system if your spouse isn’t there for you will help you avoid making many of the same mistakes we and others have made. But you will also have to take extra precautions to guard your heart when you are feeling lonely. Here are some steps that can help:

• Avoid thinking of yourself as single. Look at your ring finger on your left hand right now. Are you wearing a wedding ring? I (Joe) do a “ring check” almost every week with my Thursday night men’s group. I remind the guys whose marriages are in crisis that they are still married —even if their spouses have filed for divorce. If you start thinking you are single because your spouse isn’t working on the marriage or has filed for divorce, you’re believing a lie, and it isn’t from God. It doesn’t matter how hopeless things may look. Stay focused on God, wear your wedding band, and keep your heart prepared to reconcile with your spouse. Until your spouse dies or remarries, God’s best is for you to be content in your circumstances so He can work a miracle.

• Avoid going to a single’s ministry if you are still married. Some churches have active single’s ministries that offer an array of wonderful programs. However, if you are still married or recently divorced and still vulnerable, it is best to avoid social settings that could lead to an emotional or physical bond that might prevent reconciliation with your spouse.

• Avoid spouse bashing. Some support groups overly focus on the negative behaviors of spouses. Naturally, if domestic violence or severe verbal abuse is present, it is important not to deny the offense. However, a healthy support group will help you make positive changes rather than focus on what your spouse is doing wrong. If you find that the people in your group are spending the majority of their time discussing the shortcomings of their spouses, it is probably time to move on and find a healthier group.

• Avoid dropping your support system once your crisis is over. We pray that your marriage will become a relationship that glorifies God. However, don’t do what so many people do once they reconcile with their spouses: They drop their support system. We have watched people fall from the mountaintop of reconciliation to the pit of deep despair because their focus shifted back to their spouses and their problems. Without their support system in place, they stopped doing all the things that initially helped them shift their focus to God.

The above article can be found in the book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, by Joe and Michelle Williams, published by Tyndale House Publishers. This is a Focus on the Family book which gives “12 Truths for Rescuing Your Relationship.”

Joe and Michelle Williams know first hand about saving a marriage —because theirs was saved. They were separated in 1987 (and close to divorce). As they say, “We were angry and confused. We were also left wondering where the ‘church’ was in our seemingly hopeless situation. Because we’d both experienced marriage and divorce in our pasts before we became committed Christians, we were determined to figure out a way to deal with our problems and avoid yet another failed marriage.” That started their search for resources and a healthy support system to help them.

Since that time, they have reconciled, rebuilt their marital relationship and co-founded the International Center for Reconciling God’s Way, Inc. and eventually went into ministry full time. The book, Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, is a book that has developed as a result of the principles God has taught them —that they share with others. It’s a great resource! Preview or buy this book now.

But jealousy IS a sin when it is manifested in the extreme as far as being envious and boastful, rude and self-seeking (as is referred to in 1 Corinthians 13).

Dr Charles Swindoll says of jealousy in his book, Marriage… From Surviving to Thriving:

“Few things turn off a mate faster than a suspicious, insecure, smothering protectiveness. A jealous lover’s first concern is for self, which is the exact opposite of agape (which is the type of love that God requires of marriage partners). Rather than being patient, the jealous lover zealously pursues what he or she wants, even to the extreme of controlling someone else.”

That type of jealousy works to destroy a marital relationship and needs to be controlled and eliminated from your marriage, because of its toxicity. It’s something you really need to work on.

So, just how do you handle your irrational jealous feelings so they no longer poison your marriage?

To read an article written by Monica A. Frank, PhD, on this subject, please click onto the web site link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR JEALOUSY THREATENS TO DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

Another article you may benefit from reading and working through on this subject, from a different angle, can be seen by clicking onto:

EVALUATE YOURSELF IF YOUR SPOUSE IS JEALOUS

Honestly, I wish I were such a miracle worker. When talking with men about being more responsive to their wives’ needs, I’ll give it everything I’ve got. We will go about the business of identifying nonproductive patterns of behavior and communications. We will explore the reasons why their emotions and behaviors are slanted as they are. We will discuss the need for delicate understanding of the wife’s very different feelings. We will spell out alternatives.

When it is all said and done, though, the rest of the change process is determined by a solitary factor: How powerfully does the husband want to change?

I genuinely hope that your attempts to understand your own needs and how they developed, as well as your husband’s behaviors and how they developed, will result in improved camaraderie. But if you feel as frustrated as many women do, and as I do when my efforts with clients end in incomplete outcomes, you still have options. Don’t give up on yourself!

In your search for marital improvement, have you given it your best so far? Here’s a little quiz to help answer that question. Check those statements that pertain to you.

____ 1. My attempts to bring about an improved marriage have been accompanied by prayer.

____ 2. While I can identify the areas my spouse should improve, I have also become aware of my own contributions that damage our relating.

____ 3. For the most part, I try to communicate my needs and feelings without pressing too hard or becoming accusing or coercive.

____ 4. I realize my well-being cannot revolve around only one person. I have developed a good support system.

____ 5. I have developed a better sense of timing when it comes to opening a discussion of a sensitive subject.

____ 6. Even when I’m strongly disappointed, I tend to be an encourager. I am known for my willing spirit.

____ 7. I realize that self-pity doesn’t help a bit. Although I cannot suppress my own needs and desires, I also understand that brooding and complaining won’t do any good.

____ 8. When I’m with friends and relatives, I try to avoid speaking poorly about my spouse.

____ 9. I’m what is called an eager learner. I enjoy the stimulation of provocative reading and discussion.

____ 10. I try to remain approachable, and I am open to any feedback my spouse might offer regarding our relationship.

____ 11. I genuinely desire for my mate to express himself freely, even if it feels uncomfortable to him or to me.

____ 12. I have been making strong efforts to understand why my spouse thinks and feels as he does.

Chances are, you cannot check every item. If you did, you’d be nearly perfect, which is very difficult when you’re locked in a disappointing relationship that has a way of exposing your own weaknesses. Nonetheless, the more items you are able to check, the better you can hold your head high in the realization that you’re coping as well as you know how. Carefully rethink the items you did not check. Can you work some improvement there as well?

When I talk to people who have concluded that, short of a miracle, their efforts are going to avail little or nothing, I suggest several key concepts that can bring personal improvement. Let’s take a look at several of them.

Think About Your Emotional Growth in Singular Terms

In counseling, when I see that a wife is pressing too hard to find marital harmony, I say something that at first glance seems odd to her. “Don’t make increased marital harmony your primary goal.” But then, as she looks at me as if I just defected to the enemy, I add, “Instead, make personal healthiness your primary goal. Then, if marital improvement happens, it will be a welcome by-product of your efforts.”

Understand I’m not suggesting to these women that they should assume a selfish, me-first mentality. That would be going too far to the other extreme. Instead, I’m operating on the belief that the husband will not change unless he wants to. If improvement comes, it will be the result of his desire, not the wife’s coercion.

Certainly, it’s unrealistic to have zero expectations, but keeping expectations minimal decreases the wife’s frustration and bitterness. I encourage any woman to make the contribution she wants to a successful married life regardless of his efforts or lack of them.

The husband is half the team, true. But the wife ought not to get so sidetracked in trying to make him look good that she forgets her own goals.

Keep Balance When Publicly Disclosing Your Pain

If you are in a marriage that is not producing the satisfaction, let alone bliss, that you had once anticipated, will you feel hurt? Disillusioned? Angry? Of course you will! You are human, and you cannot force yourself to dismiss these emotions.

When women experience the pain of a less-than-wonderful relationship, they are often caught in a dilemma. How honest should they be with themselves and others regarding what they are experiencing emotionally? Most of these wives float between one of two extremes. Either they assume they should say little or nothing about their problems as they attempt to keep up a good front, or they talk too much to anyone who will listen. Either extreme needs to be avoided.

And then there is the great middle ground. These are the friends and acquaintances whom you know fairly well. With them, you don’t want to lie, saying how wonderful life is if is not, but neither need you go into elaborate and ugly detail.

You Needn’t Always Run Interference for Your Husband

That includes making your man out to be something he is not or cushioning him or others from himself.

Distant or evasive husbands particularly can invite protective behavior. They seem to invite opportunities. For instance:

• Your husband is not attuned to your daughter’s feelings, so you constantly try to reinterpret his actions, hoping the daughter will be less hurt by the apparent snubs or callousness.

• The extended family doesn’t know how to take your husband’s moods, so they bring their complaints to you, and you excuse the behavior away with various explanations

• You dislike his treatment of certain friends and feel free to mend bridges by privately providing the friends with explanations for his behaviors.

Some suggestions:

• Get out of the middle. [The following is an example.] When Ruth’s mother-in-law called with her complaint, Ruth would not have been out of line to say, simply, “Gary and you are adults. You’re going to have to discuss this between you.”

• Toss the ball back into the other court. Emma makes her complaint. Ruth responds with, “What will you do about it, Emma?”

• Make it clear that you will take care of your own emotions and relationships and others must tend to theirs. Then stick to it.

Guard Against Your Vulnerability to Other Men

Most women enter marriage expecting to be consistently affirmed, and that is as it should be. Affirmation is immensely important to every human being. When that necessary affirmation does not come from the husband, the woman is vulnerable to receiving it from outside the union. If the affirming person is male instead of female, she becomes spectacularly vulnerable.

Temptation can grip even more tightly if the woman grew up with many of the insecurities and emotional deficiencies discussed in earlier chapters. An evasive, distant husband who possesses his own insecurities and emotional deficiencies can’t help the woman grow much.

The vast majority of women who find themselves in an extramarital affair are more shocked and surprised by the turn of events than are any of their friends.

• “How could this happen to me?”
• “Believe me, neither of us intended for this to happen!”
• “I’m a sensible Christian woman. I assumed I was immune.”

No one is immune. No one. Let me shout that to the skies: No one is immune! The moment you assume immunity, you’re letting your guard down. The moment you assume you’re too sensible to make so foolish a mistake, you’re letting your guard down.

I suggest four means of minimizing temptation. One is to never let your guard down. Keep an eye out for red flags. The second is to discuss intimate matters only with a trusted female friend or professional counselor. Sharing deep personal matters brings about bonding that can lead to deeper connections than are safe. The third is to avoid situations that could escalate. The fourth is to seek accountability.

I’ve learned another thing from my years of counseling with thousands of couples: No matter how empty the woman feels, an affair does not fill the emotional holes. Period. Never. For a brief time in the beginning, it seems that it does. Here is the answer to this woman’s pain, loneliness, and dearth of communication. But deception and manipulation take their toll. Suicidal ideation is a surprisingly frequent fruit of an extramarital affair, particularly if the affair becomes common knowledge among her friends.

Know When to Forgive

Forgiveness is not:

• Giving in. It is recognition of the stalemate.
• An admission of defeat. By no means are you planning to just throw in the towel
• Condoning or even accepting. Those are other issues, other matters.
• Abandoning your convictions. You still know what you want.
• Evidence of an “Aw, who cares?” attitude. You care deeply!

Forgiveness is:

• Recognition of your inability to control his nature and opinions.
• Part of a commitment to your own peace of mind, not his.
• Your choice to set aside anger, not because anger is wrong but because it’s not doing any good
• A willingness to let God take over, perhaps to exact discipline, where your efforts have fallen short.

  Be Very Cautious About Considering Separation or Divorce

I am not naïve. I know that divorce is a common outcome in marriages typified by extreme evasiveness. And there are times, as when severe problems of abuse, addiction, or adultery exist, when the decision to separate is regrettably a better option than is staying in a dangerous and completely fractured relationship.

From this point on, let us assume that I am not talking about those cases where the woman’s life and safety are in danger. And incidentally, longitudinal studies show that when the husband philanders, the wife is at much higher risk for reproductive system problems in addition to the obvious-infection by a venereal disease. Other infections, even cancers, occur at higher rates in chaste women whose husbands play around.

From now on, I am talking about the husband and wife where evasiveness and distancing are the primary problems. We are automatically excepting extreme cases such as physical abuse.

If you are at the point of contemplating separation or divorce, rather than asking, “How can I do this and maintain a good reputation?” ask instead, “Have I given my best effort to make the marriage work, or is there more I could do?”

You want an end to this pain. That’s understandable. But, would divorce be the end of your pain or the beginning of a new kind of pain? Unless the circumstances are quite extreme, nearly every woman who divorces sooner or later claims, “I have traded one set of problems for a new set.”

Why? Because you cannot automatically assume that a change in external circumstances will solve your emotional pain. A divorcee told me, “When I divorced, I thought I’d finally find relief for my misery. But my second marriage isn’t meeting expectations any better than the first. Now I see that I was really mixed up and emotionally very needy before I ever married, and I was putting too much stock in the hope that my husband would fix everything.”

Can her situation be fixed, as she put it? It probably cannot be made perfect, but it can be vastly improved. Quite probably, so can yours.

Certainly, never ever consider separation until you’ve thoroughly explored professional counseling. Counseling can help you explore needs and feelings that keep you stuck in harmful patterns of behavior. Counseling can reveal blind spots in your own makeup that need to be seen for what they are.

If your husband joins you in this, wonderful! But keep in mind that counseling is for your benefit. Embrace it not as half a team, if the other half refuses to take part, but as a person who needs help. You can learn to manage the life you have now.

Accept the challenge to be the healthiest individual you can be. As you know that you are in a persistent pattern of growth and maturation, you will be most likely to respond best to whatever your husband does.

The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner by Dr Les Carter, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers www.thomasnelson.com, ISBN 0-7852-7551-7. The subtitle for the book is: “How to tear down emotional walls and communicate with your husband.” We can’t recommend this book highly enough in helping wives do just that.

There are so many other things that Dr Carter had to add to what was stated here, including case examples from people’s lives he’s counseled with that better illustrates and makes the points easier to understand. Because of space (and to inspire you to obtain the book yourself) we’ve had to edit some of those examples out. For that reason we recommend highly that you obtain the book to get a fuller understanding of what Dr Carter is explaining.

As he says in the beginning of the book, “I have written this book primarily for answer-seeking wives— I want you to understand why some husbands act evasively and maintain a certain distance from you. Most particularly, I want to show you what you can do to improve your emotional reactions to your husband.”

The way we see it is, obtaining this book would be a very inexpensive way to start on a road to better understanding and working through issues that pertain to your husband that could greatly improve your relationship. It doesn’t substitute counseling but it could shorten the work you’d need to do with a counselor.

Also, if you want to read this book along with your spouse (if he desires to do so) Dr Les Carter explains in the preface of the book the best way to be able to do this.

As psychologist Dr Gary Smalley warns:”Trauma puts us at the wall of conflict.” And from what we’ve seen in Marriage Missions, that’s especially true when it comes to marriage. It tests the marriage more than most couples could ever imagine before-hand.

“Every couple faces things they’d prefer to avoid —job losses, severe illnesses, financial reversals, deaths of close family members and many other such events. We call them crises, roadblocks, setbacks or tragedies, and none of these are terms of endearment. That’s because these storms of life place immense stress on us—and they also test our marriages. When crisis strikes, some couples not only weather the storm, they emerge stronger and more united than before. Others struggle through the pain, and many marriages are destroyed by the crisis.” (Donald R Harvey, Bonds of Steel, Marriage Partnership Magazine)

Even though the possibilities increase greatly that a marriage will not survive a major crisis (according to many research studies) like the death of a child, loss of a job, etc., divorce is not inevitable. There is help and hope if you reach out for it before it is too late.

To help you in this battle we would like to direct you to an article that gives you eight different ways to cope through hard times. It also tells of recommended resources to consider acquiring, and gives crisis survival reminders to help your marriage tread through troubled times.

To read this helpful article, which is written by Don Harding, which is featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, click on the link we have provided below:

STAYING MARRIED THROUGH TRAGEDIES

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

I made a vow; I said the words; I gave the pledge.
I gave a ring; I took a ring; I gave myself.

I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words:
in sickness and in health,
in sorrow and in joy,
for better or for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in good times and in bad…
so NOW I am STANDING.

I will NOT sit down, let down, slow down,
calm down, fall down, look down nor be down
’til the BREAKDOWN is TORN DOWN!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances,
or listen to prophets of doom.

I will not buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular,
convenient, easy, quick,
thrifty, or advantageous.
Nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing.

I will not seek to lower God’s standard,
twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word,
violate God’s covenant,
or accept what God hates—which is namely… divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure.
Even though surrounded by lies I will speak the truth.
Where hopelessness abounds,
I will hope in GOD.

Where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse;
and where the odds are stacked against me,
I will trust in God’s faithfulness.

I am a STANDER,
and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit…
I have made the choice.

I have set my face, entered the race, believed the Word,
and TRUSTED GOD for the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse,
nor the urging of my friends,
the advice of my loved ones,
economic hardship,
nor the prompting of the devil
to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up
UNTIL MY MARRIAGE IS HEALED.

The above poem is featured on the Home page of www.rejoiceministries.org which is the web site for Rejoice Ministries. This web site, and their entire ministry, is designed to encourage and give hope to those who are standing in the gap believing God for a miracle in their marriages. They supply its reader’s more than 18 pages of testimonies of restored marriages and over 72 pages where you’re able to read individual letters of praise to God for answers to prayer and testimonies of God’s faithfulness through the various difficulties they’ve encountered in their marriages and families.

You can read the testimonies and the stories of restored marriages by clicking into them from the side bar of the Home page of their web site.

To begin that process:

CLICK HERE

Alan’s wound was raw and deep from 20 years of married hopelessness.

For more than an hour, we listened and empathized completely. After lunch we found a more private place nearby and together prayed with him. Valerie penciled the names “Alan and Diane” in her calendar at the top of each month. And for the next year, she prayed for them whenever she saw their names.

“Oh God, heal Diane’s PMS,” she’d pray. “Heal their family. Bring wholeness to this home.” It was a prayer based in a certain amount of ignorance. A prayer prescription telling God how we’d like to see him work.

A year passed and we saw Alan again. As before, he skipped the usual social banter and plunged into serious conversation. But his story had changed.

Was this the same man? We wondered. Now we were hearing a different version about his marriage. It wasn’t so one-sided or cut-and-dry as before —that is, “Diane’s the cause of all our problems, and the kids and I are her undeserving victims.” We asked specifically about how Diane was doing and waited for the PMS war stories. But surprisingly, he didn’t complain about her. Instead, he was excited to tell us about some of the changes in his life.

“Now I can see that I have some ‘hidden sins’ —addictions, really,” Alan explained. “I’ve realized I’m a bona fide workaholic. While I’ve been married for more than 20 years, I’ve chosen not to build my relationship with Diane through those years. No wonder she’s frustrated and sad!”

Alan explained he’d experienced a year of seeing himself from God’s perspective. As a result, no longer did he blame his marital problems primarily on Diane. He’d had a personal awakening —to the point that he was regularly praying on his own and spending time with God alone.

“Never before had I been consistent in initiating toward God, nor slowed down enough to hear from him,” Alan continued. “And now our marriage is improving. I wouldn’t have believed it was possible.

“Diane still struggles with PMS, but she’s less hostile since I’ve turned around and decided to ‘be there’ for her. It’s interesting; during this year I’d fall back into my old routines, giving in to the fast-paced daily pressures that lead me toward workaholism, which would squeeze out my focus on God. When I did that, I noticed the dynamics in our marriage would revert to some of the same old patterns as well. But I’m excited to know an active personal spiritual life can make an enormous difference in my marriage and my family.”

What was happening here? Although everything was essentially the same, everything had changed. A spiritual rebirth occurred.

We don’t want to be misleading. Of course, all marriages have their tensions and conflicts. Even good marriages —those operating with a positive spiritual dimension and fully engaging both spouses —won’t be problem-free. But there’s a definite before and after perspective in relationships to which God’s been invited to be an active participant.

Accessing God
Jack, a young married man, confided in us about the weak condition of his marriage. He described the symptoms of their problems, all indicating the relationship was in need of a rebirth. When we told him he needed to let God bring his spiritual resources into their problem solving, he agreed; but he also expressed hesitancy.

“Sounds good,” Jack responded. “I can understand on a cognitive level that spiritual intimacy with God would be good for our marriage. But I have a problem with what you’re telling me. How do I access God into our lives? I’ve tried the traditional approaches. I read the Bible and don’t get much out of it. I’m not good at prayer, especially in front of someone else, most of all my wife! To me, God’s like this vast, lush, harvestable field. I’m thrown into the field and told to harvest, but I don’t have a tool, a sickle, or anything. I’m hungry but I’m not able to eat.”

Most of us can relate. It’s difficult at times to know how to bring a spiritual interest and pattern into our marriages. So how do you access God in your marriage? How do you have a spiritual rebirth?

After we listened to Jack, we assigned him a faith exercise to help him develop spiritual intimacy in his marriage. We asked him to devote ten minutes a day to prayer for two weeks. Importantly, he’d pray in a different way: He’d pray without words, or “receptively,” listening keenly to God’s voice, hearing the promptings of encouragement and care from the Holy Spirit.

The next time we saw Jack we asked how it went.

He smiled. “I felt so uncomfortable at first. I couldn’t imagine God would want to say anything good about me. But I think something is beginning to change in me. Though I can hardly put God’s love into words—or describe what God might possibly love about me —I sit and receive.”

We need to experience God’s unconditional love, because someday we’ll have to draw upon his supernatural love to minister to a spouse who’s unlovable and unworthy. By definition, marriage is a commitment —a commitment to be the one, and maybe the only one, who loves a mate who’s become unlovable, who perhaps embraces one who seems now repulsive. We’ll need to know how to lavish God’s love on a partner when our human love has run dry.

How will you love the crying wife hiding in a shower stall? The angry husband living on his own with his pain and his midlife-crisis red convertible sports car? How will you love the overly controlling wife who has a past of sexual abuse or the husband who “can’t let down the guys” when your own resources of love are so limited?

We can’t give a love that heals if we ourselves have never been healed. The “glue” of a long successful marriage isn’t the love we wives and husbands have for each other. Staying power comes from God’s love. When we understand experientially what we’ve received from God—if we’re aware of our unworthiness, unloveliness, and small-heartedness and yet receive God’s love—then we can offer that kind of spiritual love to a husband or wife.

Learning about love

The first step to a spiritually re-birthed marriage may seem like a distancing move, a step away from your spouse. But by abandoning your expectations of your spouse and stepping closer to God, you can find the resources to be a better lover in the end.

Why not try what Jack did? For the next two weeks, take ten minutes a day to pray wordlessly and receptively. Be aware that it may take a while for your mind to stop racing, until you stop thinking of words and are calmed enough to hear God. If you need help to focus, begin by meditating on verses, hymns, or spiritual songs that emphasize God’s love for you.

As you pray, listen to God’s voice—those inner promptings through his Holy Spirit that encourage or affirm, that tell you God cares. Then allow those affirming thoughts of God’s love to sink in.

Take what’s wounded, what’s undeserving, what’s angry and unlovable about yourself to God, and let his love consume the dross that’s weighing down your marriage. At the end of the two weeks, tell your spouse about your experience. Share what you learned about God and yourself through this exercise.

Letting God love you is the first step toward authentic spiritual intimacy in your marriage. When you begin accessing God’s love—a love that will eventually bring greater intimacy, love, and acceptance in your marriage—you’ll have a better marriage than you’ve ever experienced.

This article was adapted from the book, Made to Be Loved, by Steve and Valerie Bell, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. Here’s what one reader said about this book:

“My fiancée and I turned to Steve and Valerie’s book while we were still dating — trying to figure out how two committed Christ-followers truly integrate our spiritual lives. While this book is unapologetically targeted toward married Christian couples, I quickly found this book painting a picture of the practical, spiritually-healthy marriage we all long to enjoy. The book describes seven ‘Spiritual Intimacy Exercises’ that are both practical and worth the cost of the book. They are: Listening to the Voice That Says ‘You Were Made to Be Loved’, Becoming a Life-Giver, Smoothing the Rub, Practicing Visible Signs of God’s Grace, Ways to Welcome God into Your Marriage, Five Words of Honor, and Developing a Taste for the Classics. This book took my fiancée and I way beyond the typical ‘devotions and prayer together’ prescription offered for a spiritually-connected marriage and offered spiritual exercises that truly helped us sense God in each other.”

 

 

Mark, a Midwestern family physician with a good eye for investments, has lifted his family into affluence through hard work. He’s provided his wife—who comes from a poorer background — with a good living, and he’s the type of husband who does the dishes, puts the children to bed while his wife reads or takes a bath, and is the first to volunteer for “car duty” (taking the kids to their sporting and church events).

Because of his job, Mark needs to literally leave the city to get away from his work — otherwise, someone stops him after church to ask about a sore shoulder or an irregular heartbeat. At the grocery store, he can be asked to diagnose a rash, and at the library he might be stopped to give his opinion on a daily aspirin regimen that someone just heard mentioned on the radio.

More than anything, Mark appreciates getting away with his wife, so the two of them can enjoy each other’s company without interruption. It would mean even more to him if his wife would plan a weekend, or even just a night away, six to eight times a year. It’s not as though Charlotte (Mark’s wife) isn’t equipped to handle this. Before the investments came in, she used to work in the travel industry; but she now has the opportunity to do the basically whatever she wants.

Even so, by the time I spoke with Mark, it had been almost a year since Charlotte had planned anything like this. Mark reminds Charlotte of this every five months or so, which usually results in a heated argument that ends with Charlotte saying, “Fine, go get your calendar and we’ll plan something right now.”

“That really makes me want to get away,” Mark says sarcastically.

While how-to marriage books and seminars certainly have their value and place, on their own they miss the key issue. It’s not really how to; far more often, it’s about whether we have the heart to. Charlotte knows how to please her husband; she just lacks the heart to do it.

Motivation is more than half the battle. You don’t have to teach an infatuated couple how to communicate. Infatuated couples don’t read books about resolving disputes; they don’t watch instructional videos about making time for each other. Why not? Because when you possess the heart to do these things, the how-to takes care of itself.

If the two of you used to communicate, used to keep romance alive, used to keep romance alive, used to find ways to maintain intimacy in spite of differing opinions, that’s evidence enough that, somewhere, you already possess these basic skills. It’s not like you lost the skills you had as a younger man or woman. The real issue is whether you’re willing to exercise those skills.

If I have the heart to romance my wife, I’ll find a way to romance her. I was great at romancing her twenty years ago. In fact, I wrote her cards and letters, taped little notes around her room, planned creative dates—the works. Now, in my forties, do I have fewer romance skills than I possessed in my twenties?

Of course not. The real issue is, do I have less heart for such activities in my forties than I had in my twenties? Am I acting “out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians 7:1), pursuing Lisa just as aggressively out of a motivation of faith as formerly I felt motivated by mere emotion? Or am I allowing daily duties to take time and energy away from loving my wife?

Charlotte knows she is married to a loving, godly man who is a good provider. She also knows he doesn’t ask much in return — but she has lost the heart to give him even that. She knows how to plan an outing, but for whatever reason, she has lost the will.

In the same way, most wives know what their husbands want. Most have a basic understanding of how to please him. That’s not to say you can’t pick up a few helpful tips along the way, but you know most of what you need to know to make your husband a satisfied spouse. The real question is, do you have the heart to do what you know to do?

Sometimes, we hide behind the how-to because it doesn’t feel as shameful as purposefully withholding on our spouses. Men say, “I don’t know how to romance my wife. After all, I’m a guy!” But what we really mean is, “It’s more acceptable to play the ‘stupid male’ role than to admit I’m so self-centered that I fail to take the time to show my wife how much I cherish her.”

Can I challenge you to spend just as much time examining your heart as you do filling your head? Will you sit before the Lord for as long as you pour over the latest self-help book? Will you allow the Holy Spirit to convict, instruct, chasten, and encourage?

Be quiet throughout this week. Listen to the Lord’s still, small voice. Let him name your motivation. I hope those motivations will be charity, kindness, goodwill, patience, and love. But mixed in with such attitudes may be spite, bitterness, resentment, selfishness, or sheer laziness. Ask the Lord to show you where you’re withholding on your spouse. Let him hold up a mirror to your spouse. Let him hold a mirror to your heart’s true condition.

Keep in mind that it’s not as though the heart is ever fixed once and for all. While I may have the “heart to” today, it doesn’t guarantee I’ll have the “heart to” tomorrow. We need to regularly examine our hearts.

Listen: when we first laid eyes on our spouse and decided to make them ours, we found a way to attract and maintain their attention. We had far less knowledge of our spouses then than we have today – but we also had the heart then, and that made all the difference. If you’ve fallen into a silent season, nine times out of ten it’s an issue of the heart, not a lack of knowledge.

Fire up that will! Let God charge your motivation. You already know most of what you need to know. Now, you have to get busy doing it. What one thing can you do today?

The above article is one of the 52 devotionals that you can find in the excellent book, DEVOTIONS FOR A SACRED MARRIAGE… A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples – by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com.

This is by far our favorite devotional book for married couples! It explores how God can reveal Himself to your through your marriage and help you to grow closer to Him as well as to your spouse. It has 52 devotions in it and even though it has all new material in it, it’s based on another of Gary Thomas’ books (which we highly recommend) Sacred Marriage. It originated because so many people requested a follow-up book to Sacred Marriage and gives a different yet compatible perspective on this subject encouraging you to build your marriage around God’s priorities. We can’t recommend it highly enough! Gary Thomas has a great way of helping you to see the holiness of marriage in a way like no other author explains it. We truly hope you’ll obtain it for yourself.

When I asked myself that question, I had a “light bulb” moment. God clearly revealed to me that, yes, I had released to His lordship some areas of my life, even some areas of my marriage, but in other areas I held tight to my own ways. I was sprinkling into the recipe of my marriage a little bit of God and a whopping serving of me.

Women can be strong, efficient, and independent, but sometimes our self-reliance can wear us out and blind us to God’s plan. Many women today might say, “I am woman, I am invincible, I am tired!” We think, Be a good wife? Sure; I can do that! I’ll clean the house, iron my husband’s clothes, and put a smile on my face. Be a good Christian? Sure! I’ll serve in women’s ministry and children’s ministry, and I’ll fix meals for those in need. Be a good mom? Sure! My children will be obedient and happy. Help with the family finances? I can squeeze a career in here somewhere! And I’ll try to be cute and fit while I’m at it! And on and on our efforts continue until, like the little hamster on his exercise wheel, we have worn ourselves out and gotten nowhere.

Sometimes we have to get to the end of ourselves before we turn to God. Brokenness hurts, but when we’re broken we’re more likely to admit that apart from Christ we can do nothing (John 15:5).

Writer Anabel Gillham describes in her book The Confident Woman: Knowing Who Your Are in Christ the moment she surrendered her marriage to God’s hands:

I had gone to bed. It had been a bad day. I don’t remember why—I had a lot of bad days. I was sobbing, praying, “God, I don’t understand what I long for it to be; my kids are not turning out the way I want them to. And I’m so tired. I’ve given, given, and given, and I don’t think I can give anymore. I have made one grand mess of everything.”

Then I said what I had never said in all my 40-some-odd years of life: “I give up. I have failed. I can’t do it. If anything is going to come out of this life, You’re going to have to do it, because I can’t.” …I believe God spoke to me that night in the quit of my bedroom. A thought came into my conscious awareness that was foreign to my way of thinking. It was a simple little phrase: “Thank you, Anabel, I will do it all for you.”

Surrender is completely counter to our human nature, but this is right where God wants us to be. Sometimes I sense God is saying to me through the whisper of the Holy Spirit on my heart or a verse that leaps from the pages of Scripture, I am God and you are not. I am really good at being God. You are not. When you get out of the way, I can work.

Surrendering is one way to say that we depend on God, not on ourselves and our own efforts. Even though we don’t know what’s around the corner, we put our marriage in the hands of the One who made us and loves us, trusting Him in whatever comes our way, good or bad.

How do we surrender our marriages to God? What exactly do we surrender?

First, we surrender our right to have marriage work the way we think it should. We give up feeling entitled to what we deserve in marriage. I came in to marriage thinking I deserved many things. I thought I deserved to be a stay-at-home mother while my husband provided for our family. I thought I deserved a certain level of comfort with a nice house and beautiful furnishings. Living a comfortable life included shopping for clothes and going to restaurants frequently. When I did not get what I thought I deserved, I was unhappy and moody and made my husband feel as if he were a failure.

Second, we surrender our expectations of our husbands. The main expectation I had of Scott was that he would make me happy. I expected him to know my needs and cater to them. When Scott and I first married, I was insecure about his love for me, so I made him prove his love all the time. I wanted him to prove his love by being home with me, by choosing me over other activities or people, by telling me he loved and appreciated me.

These needs were not inherently bad, but I was draining Scott by turning to my husband to satisfy my longings. Of course, the only One who can meet our deepest needs is God. He’s the one we go to with all of our needs. The more I went to Scott with these needs, the more he withdrew from my extreme dependency. In turn I felt as if Scott was failing me, and we were trapped in this unsatisfying cycle.

As I turned to God with a sincere heart, I knew that I had to confess to God all of the sins I had committed against Scott and consequently against God. I prayed that God would reveal the sins to me so I could confess them to Him and then be free of them. Seeing so much ugliness in my heart was hard as I confessed sins such as pride, judgment, self-pity, self-righteousness, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness, manipulation, and rebellion.

As I was honest with God, He reminded me that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. (Romans 5:8). Jesus Christ has already paid the price for our sins. We confess our sins, accept His forgiveness, and repent. In Acts 3:19 Peter says, “Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.’ God truly did refresh me and my marriage as I put my marriage in His loving hands.

Surrendering our marriages to God and repenting of our sins in an ongoing process. God wants us to be in constant fellowship with Him, seeking Him with our whole hearts through prayer, listening, reading His Word, and obeying Him.

Transformed by His Love
Many women I have talked to abut the ideas of this book have a common denominator keeping them from surrendering completely to God: They do not believe in God’s unconditional love.

You may say to yourself, Well, I’m a Christian. Of course I believe God loves me. Or you may wonder what accepting God’s love has to do with surrendering. Let me share with you a revelation that really changed me.

As I began to be honest with God about my marriage, I started to realize that for a long time I had questioned God’s unconditional love for me. I had always felt that I didn’t quite measure up. I was good, but not good enough; pretty, but not pretty enough; smart, but not smart enough; a good mother, but not good enough. You fill in the blank—I was just not worthy of God’s unconditional love. I knew God loved me, but I thought I could help Him love me even more if I did something to deserve His love. I finally sensed God saying, Stop striving. Just receive the gift of My love for you. You’re My child. I created you so I could love you and you could love Me. God’s unconditional love, so different from human love, isn’t dependent on anything about us. It’s just who God is.

God wants us to get His love settled in our hearts for once and for all. He wants us to be absolutely sure we can never add to or subtract from His love. He loves us because we are His children. First John 4:16 tells us that we have to believe God loves us because God is love: “We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love.”

Once we believe in God’s unconditional and personal love, we can trust Him and surrender everything in our love, we trust Him and surrender everything in our lives to Him, including our marriages. God’s love will transform us, and we’ll love our husbands out of the well-spring of love God has put in us by His Spirit.

The above article comes from the book, What a Husband Needs from His Wife, by Melanie Chitwood, published by Harvest House Publishers, www.harvesthousepublishers.com. In this book, author Melanie Chitwood reveals why the best thing you can do for your relationship with your husband is to focus on your walk with God and let Him transform you and your marriage. As Melanie, herself says about this book:

If you’re like me and many of the women I’ve talked to as I’ve been writing this book, you’ll have some reservations about discovering what your husband needs from you. You might think the ideas in this book are outdated or overly traditional. After all, our pop culture promotes thoughts like these: What about my needs? How can I be happy? How’s this working for me? What’s a quick fix? However, considering that half of all marriages end in divorce, even among Christians, I would venture to say that our faulty thinking and practices are simply not working. Many women have adopted the lies of the world that tell them to put themselves first, fearing that if they don’t, their husbands will take advantage of them. I hope this book will point your heart and mind to God. God created marriage, and the Bible is His instruction manual. His Word is eternal and does not have an expiration date.

A second reservation might surface as you consider the challenges of your own marriage. Perhaps you’re thinking, “But wait! You don’t know what kind of marriage I’m in! You don’t know what a jerk my husband can be! You don’t know all the awful things he’s said and done to me! He doesn’t deserve my love at all!” No, I don’t know about your marriage, but be assured that God knows everything about you, your husband, and your marriage. Nothing is too difficult for Him. No situation is beyond His loving hands and healing touch. …As you read this book, be careful not to think of it as a self-improvement plan. Anything based on fixing or changing our marriages in our own strength is missing the point. A self-improvement plan focuses on self. By surrendering our marriages, however, we are putting our faith in God. As you read the ideas to apply to your marriage, ask the Holy Spirit to show which actions and attitudes your husband needs, and ask God to reveal ideas not mentioned. God knows you and your husband. He knows the transformation your marriage needs.

 

“Even if I’ve never met you, I know one thing is true about you: you’re married to an imperfect mate. And here’s the spiritual reality that flows from this difficult truth: even though our mate disappoints us and hurts us, the Bible still calls us to respect and appreciate our imperfect spouse.

“This is true whether you’re a husband (1 Peter 3:7) or a wife (Ephesians 5:33). How do we do this, in a practical sense? How can we honestly and sincerely respect and appreciate someone who is so imperfect?”

The statements above come from a terrific article, written by Gary Thomas (which is actually titled, Feeling Let Down?). It was featured in the Spring 2007 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine www.marriagepartnership.com.

The above statement may seem a bit puzzling and radical, but we encourage you not to close your mind to learning more on this issue. The truth is, you can either do the same thing you’ve been doing, which probably isn’t working or you wouldn’t be searching for help, or you can adjust your thinking and try to look at and approach these “imperfections” in a different way — hoping you will get a better result — a spouse you can better live with.

In the above mentioned article, Gary Thomas makes 7 thought-provoking points which are worth reading! They truly could help to save your relationship!

To read this article in its entirety, we’ll send you directly to the magazine’s web site. Pray first that God will help you to see the problem you’re having with your spouse through His eyes and to teach you what He has for you to apply to your marriage relationship in particular.

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO READ THE ARTICLE

— ALSO—

Please click onto the web site link below to read another article you could find helpful (there is a twist to what the author discovered about her husband’s imperfections that is quite interesting, and enlightening):

• THE LIST THAT SAVED MY MARRIAGE

In the meantime, there’s silence. But the tension’s so thick in your house; you can cut it with a knife. You hate the distance, but there’s nothing you can do about it because you’re mad. You’re really mad.

You try to make yourself feel better by getting involved in other things. Sometimes this even works. But you wake up every morning facing the fact that nothing has changed at all. A feeling of dissatisfaction permeates everything you do. From time to time, you ask yourself, “Is there something I should do differently?” But you quickly dismiss this thought because you know that, in your heart of hearts, you’re not the one to blame. So the distance between you and your partner persists.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you and your partner been so angry at each other that you’ve gone your separate ways and stopped interacting with each other? Have you convinced yourself that, until s/he initiates making up, there will be no peace in your house? If so, I have few things I want to tell you.

You’re wasting precious energy holding on to your anger. It’s exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It takes a toll on your body and soul. It’s bad for your health and hard on your spirit.

It’s awful for your relationship. Anger imprisons you. It casts a gray cloud over your days. It prevents you from feeling real joy in any part of your life. Each day you drown yourself in resentment is another day lost out of your life. What a waste!

I’ve worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they’re utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner’s wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, “I’ll change if s/he changes,” a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

There are many variations of this position. For example, “I’d be nicer to her, if she were nicer to me,” or “I’d be more physically affectionate if he were more communicative with me,” or “I’d be more considerate and tell her about my plans if she wouldn’t hound me all the time about what I do.” You get the picture! “I’ll be different if you start being different first.” Trust me when I tell you that this can be a very, very long wait.

There’s a much better way to view things when you and your partner get stuck like this. I’ve been working with couples for years and I’ve learned a lot about how change occurs in relationships. It’s like a chain reaction. If one person changes, the other one does too. It really doesn’t matter who starts first. It’s simply a matter of tipping over the first domino. Change is reciprocal. Let me give you an example.

I worked with a woman who was very distressed about her husband’s long hours at work. She felt they spent very little time together as a couple and that he was of little help at home. This infuriated her. Every evening when he returned for work, her anger got the best of her and she criticized him for bailing out on her. Inevitably, the evening would be ruined.

The last thing he wanted to do after a long day at work was to deal with problems the moment in walked in the door. Although she understood this, she was so hurt and angry about his long absences that she felt her anger was justified. She wanted a suggestion from me about how to get her husband to be more attentive and loving. She was at her wit’s end.

I told her that I could completely understand why she was frustrated and that, if I were in her shoes, I’d feel exactly the same way. However, I wondered if she could imagine how her husband might feel about her nightly barrage of complaints. “He probably wishes he didn’t have to come home,” she said. “Precisely,” I thought to myself, and I knew she was ready to switch gears.

I suggested that she try an experiment. “Tonight when he comes home, surprise him with an affectionate greeting. Don’t complain; just tell him you’re happy to see him. Do something kind or thoughtful that you haven’t done in a long time, even if you don’t feel like it.”

“You mean like fixing him his favorite meal or giving him a warm hug? I used to do that a lot.”

“That’s exactly what I mean,” I told her, and we discussed other things she might do as well. She agreed to give it a try.

Two weeks later she returned to my office and told me about the results of her “experiment.” “That first night after I talked with you I met him at the door and, without a word, gave him a huge hug. He looked astounded, but curious. I made him his favorite pasta dish, which was heavy on the garlic, so he smelled the aroma the moment he walked in. Immediately, he commented on it and looked pleased. We had a great evening together, the first in months. I was so pleased and surprised by his positive reaction that I felt motivated to keep being ‘the new me.’

Since then things between us have been so much better, it’s amazing. He’s come home earlier and he’s even calling me from work just to say hello. I can’t believe the change in him. I’m so much happier this way.”

The moral of this story’s obvious: When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It’s a law of relationships. If you aren’t getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation?

Why not be more pragmatic? If what you’re doing (talking to your partner about the error of his/her ways) hasn’t been working, no matter how sterling your logic, you’re not going to get very far. Be more flexible and creative. Be more strategic. Spend more time trying to figure out what might work as opposed to being bent on driving your point home. You might be pleasantly surprised. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same old thing over and over and expecting different results.

Look, life is short. Make your relationship the best it can possibly be. Stop waiting for your partner to change in order for things to be better. When you decide to change first, it will be the beginning of a solution avalanche. Try it… you’ll like it!

The above article was written by Michele Weiner-Davis and is one of several articles (and other resources) you can find on her web site at www.divorcebusting.com. Although this isn’t designed to be a Christian Web site it does have a lot of great information that lines up biblically (that’s why we recommend her resources). You can find other articles like this one by clicking HERE.

Michele Weiner-Davis is an author of several books. She also maintains a private practice in both Woodstock, Illinois called The Divorce Busting® Center and also has an office in Boulder, Colorado. Michele counsels couples and families from all over the world.

She is an Approved Supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). In 2001, AAMFT offered Michele the Outstanding Contribution to Marriage and Family Therapy Award. In 2003, Michele received the Impact Award from the Coalition for Marriage, Families and Couples Education. Additionally, Michele travels nationally and internationally to offer inspirational and educational seminars. She has been a frequent guest on talk shows and news shows. Her work has been featured in major magazines and newspapers.

But perhaps her greatest credential for being a relationship expert stems from the fact that she and her husband have been married for nearly twenty-eight years and she’s still madly in love with him. She claims that on most days, he would say the same about her.

More importantly however, this parable is meant to be used as a “wake-up call” to those spouses who are asleep to the fact that they’ve been neglecting their family for way too long of a period of time. And if they don’t come to that realization and do something to drastically reverse their neglectful behavior immediately — they may wake up one morning to find themselves alone without a family to care for and spend time with.

Read the following edited story with an open mind and heart as to what the author Andy Stanley is trying to tell those who think their family should keep understanding why they have to spend so much time away from them. Pastor Stanley writes:

Use your imagination for just a moment. Imagine that your best friend walks up to you in your front yard one Saturday and asks you to do him a favor. You have some free time, and so you agree to do it. He walks over to his car, opens the trunk, and produces a thirty-pound rock.

Now here’s where you’re really going to have to use your imagination: At this point he hands you the rock and says, “I really need you to stand here with this rock until I return.” He explains why it’s important that you stand in that one spot with the rock and promises to return shortly to retrieve it. It’s a strange request, and his explanation doesn’t make a lot of sense, but this is someone you trust, so you agree. At this point he thanks you with extreme gratitude and then gets into his car and drives away.

An hour goes by. And what started out as a reasonable favor is beginning to get a little hard. But after all, this is your best friend, so you resign yourself to continue on and stand there. Another hour goes by and your arms are starting to ache. Everything in you wants to sit down, but you made a promise. Then suddenly, to your relief, your friend pulls in the driveway, jumps out of the car, and runs in your direction. You’re so relieved. If you weren’t holding the rock, you’d hug him.

But your joy is quickly crushed. Instead of relieving you of your burden he says, “I told you I was coming right back. But I need to run one more quick errand. If you’ll keep holding the rock, I’ll make it up to you when I return.” Once again, you trust that what you’re told is true. If your friend needs to run one more errand before relieving you that is just the way it is. So you agree. As he turns to go you can’t help but yell out, “Please hurry.” Off your friend goes and there you stand.

Another hour goes by. The sun begins to set. Your muscles are aching to be able to drop the rock. But you refuse to give in. You’re committed to holding up your part of what you promised. Besides, your friend said he’d make it up to you. You aren’t sure what that means, but it must be something good. Thirty minutes later a car pulls up in the driveway. Someone you don’t know is driving. This person walks over and informs you that your friend has been delayed. “Would you mind holding the rock for just a little while longer?” he asks.

You experience a mixture of pain and anger. You manage to mutter, “Just tell him to hurry.”

Away the person goes and there you stand. It’s dark now. The streets are empty. The neighbors are at their windows watching you stand there, wondering why you’d put up with being treated like that by a “friend.”

Another hour goes by. You begin to lose your grip. Your arms begin to fall. You tell yourself to hold on, but your body just won’t respond. Down goes the rock. And just as it hits the pavement and breaks into a hundred pieces, your friend pulls up in the driveway. He jumps out of the car, runs over with a look of panic on his face, and says, “What happened? Did it slip? Did somebody knock it out of your hands? Did you change your mind?” And as he looks for an explanation as to why you suddenly dropped the rock, you know that it was a long time coming.

Now let me explain what happened in terms that will help us later on. Your mental willingness was overcome by your physical exhaustion. You wanted to do what you were asked to do, but after awhile you just couldn’t do it anymore. Add to that the frustration of being misled about how long you’d have to stand there. But even if the aggravation is put aside, at some point you just weren’t going to be able to keep holding on. No amount of love, dedication, commitment, or selflessness was going to be able to make up for the fact that your arms were worn out.

Now, let’s add another element to that story: You’re about to pass out from exhaustion. And finally a car pulls up in the driveway. You’re so angry and in so much pain you know you’ll have to choose your words carefully. Sure enough, it’s your friend. He walks over slowly with one hand behind his back. He forces a smile and says, “I brought you something.”

Suddenly he brings out from behind his back a bouquet of flowers. At that point you don’t just drop the rock; you find within yourself just enough strength to throw it at him! As he ducks, he exclaims, “What was that all about? I bought you flowers, didn’t I?”

Now, I probably don’t need to apply my little parable. The meaning is pretty obvious. So at the risk of insulting your intelligence, let me be painfully specific:

• When we ask our husbands and wives to carry their load as well as ours, it’s like handing them a rock.

• When we’re absent at critical junctures in family life, they’re left holding the rock.

• When we find ourselves pointing to the future to somehow make up for the past and the present, they’re holding the rock.

• When we assure our families that things are going to change and they don’t, they’re holding the rock.

The interesting thing is that they always accept it. And why not? They love us. They trust us. Besides, we always reassure them that they’ll only have to hold it for a short time.

Everybody is willing to be “understanding” when a loved one needs to neglect the family as a top priority for a reasonable period of time. And in real life, taking time away from the family because of job responsibilities is sometimes unavoidable. But when they’re left to carry a load of neglect they were never created to carry in the first place—it’s just a matter of time before things will begin to unravel.

There’s a point at which that mental willingness isn’t enough to hang on. With a literal rock, mental willingness is eventually overcome by physical exhaustion. With an imaginary rock, mental willingness is eventually overtaken by emotional exhaustion. And when that happens, the rocks come tumbling down.

There’s always a final straw: a comment, a phone call, a tired explanation, a no-show, a forgotten birthday, or a missed game. Some little thing that pushes those we love past their ability to hold on. And to the uniformed, unsuspecting spouse —to the husband or wife who has lived with the fantasy that everything is just fine-it seems like a huge overreaction. They think:

“All I said was.”

“All I did was.”

But it wasn’t the moment. It wasn’t the phone call. It wasn’t the fact that the big hand on the clock was on the six instead of the twelve. It was weeks, months, or possibly years of waiting for things to change. The rock finally slipped out of their calloused hands.

When the rock drops, you’ll do everything in your power to pick it up and piece it back together. You’ll find the time to devote to fixing the problem. But in my experience, when the rock drops, there is always some permanent damage. Most rocks can’t be put back together again.

Do you know what your family wants from you more than anything else? They want to feel accepted. In practical terms, they want to feel like they are your priority.

“But they are my priority,” you might argue. That may be true. They may be your priority in your heart, but that’s not the point. They want to feel like your priority. It’s not enough for them to be your priority. They must feel like it.

I’ll never forget discussing this point with a very busy corporate vice president. He kept assuring me of how much he loved his wife and kids. Finally I interrupted him and said, “The problem is, you love your family in your heart, but you don’t love them in your schedule. They can’t see your heart — they only know your schedule.”

Keep in mind that the chief indicator to your family of where you place your loyalty is time. It’s what you put on our calendar. Where you spend your time is an indication of where your loyalties lie. In effect, you pledge your allegiance to the person or thing that receives your time.

Are there time-consuming bridges you need to burn? Are there accounts at work you need to hand off? Are there some out-of-town meetings that need to be handled on the phone? Is there an offer you need to refuse? A promotion you need to give back? Once you’ve made up your mind to make your family more of a priority, it will become all too clear what stands in the way of your being able to focus on your commitment to re-prioritize.

So what is your non-negotiable? What does it look like? Does it mean leaving the office everyday at 5:30, regardless? Does it mean never missing one of your children’s performances or ball games? What does the commitment look like in your world?

Again promising to do “better” won’t get it. You’ve already done that. That terminology doesn’t even register with your family. They’ve heard that before.

The above article came from the book, Choosing to Cheat — Who Wins When Family and Work Collide, by Andy Stanley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, www.thomasnelson.com.

As Dr John Maxwell says about this book (which we agree):

“This is a life-changing book and extremely relevant to our modern way of life. Author Andy Stanley confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he had made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments. One of the main reasons it is life changing is because a godly man who makes choices in his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it. If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained? Every couple, every parent, and every leader needs to read this book and consider the question: Who wins when my family and work collide?” This book presents a strategic plan for resolving the tension between work and home. You’ll find ways to deal with the busyness that wreaks havoc with the relationships you consider most important.”

 

In your case, the moment of truth has come, for your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?

The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me, “because it’s never really over.”

Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage relationships get divorced —no matter how good their intentions may be —they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”

When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage — regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem— you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.

I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.

“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” a woman with a restored marriage said, “because God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”

Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”

A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”

While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now within the problem are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now and can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness, and of course, pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.

My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.

So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.

Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who wants or cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life, new vitality by the interest, basically, of only one party.” This has been my experience as well. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.

Some have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner —that the longstanding problem of alcoholism or financial irresponsibility or whatever cannot be solved, and he or she simply gives up.

Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed such a strong emotional attachment to another person that it is not broken off in time to save the marriage. Often, however, this infatuation ends while the divorce is being delayed and the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.

In a relatively few cases, one partner pressured by family and “loyal” friends, develops a deep bitterness toward the other and is actually encouraged in this hostility by parents and even, sometimes, church members so that efforts at reconciliation may be unavailing.

But in the great majority of cases, the outcome depends squarely on the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles designed by the Author of marriage. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.

Clarifying Your Thoughts

When the Bible says, “Gird up the loins of your mind” (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some quiet, uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.

When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks while she prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.

One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said, “but they were exactly what I needed: ‘God is not a man, that he should lie’ (Numbers 23:19) and ‘With God nothing shall be impossible’ (Luke 1:37).

“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I found out for myself that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband, even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.

“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first, but it did show me a clear path of action, and the situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. I destroyed it all. I didn’t need it anymore.”

A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation: “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But the Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation does not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:

For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMPLIFIED).

He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMPLIFIED).

As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple and search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. Let me remind you once more of the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer: It is God’s will in every marriage for the couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.

It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church and that you must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, you can be sure that the force of His will is at work with you in the process.

It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input: biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching; good books and Bible-study tapes; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:

Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).

You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth or you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice, sometimes from seemingly religious people.

One young man came to me, confused because he had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and love and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work and have His full way in your life.”

“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband, or people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down; they tear my husband down. They may mean well, but they are so misguided. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”

When your mind is settled, your thoughts clarified, and your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events, reacting to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of a course of action based on His Word.”

“I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be,” one woman told me. “People urge me to dump my husband, give up on him because he’s made my life miserable; they tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.

My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. I will know that I made the right decision and followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.

“But my trust is not in what I am dong,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”

[Marriage Missions editors' note: The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more valuable advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you'll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice that was given at the end of this chapter hoping it will spur you on to start this journey towards saving your marriage, even if you have to try to do it alone.]

A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel which gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important.“ This wife found that putting up with a little rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.

I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.

A lovely young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult dressing to go out for the evening with her husband because she knew in advance that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously,“ she said. “I looked my best for Him, I behaved my best for Him, and I was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”

In summary, you need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I said to him sometimes, ‘I love you, no matter what you are doing right now, and I believe the Lord means for us to be together.’ I sent him little cards with appropriate messages that messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”

I asked some wives who had been through the experience to give me their list of do’s and don’ts for any woman trying to save her marriage. Here are the excellent suggestions they compiled:

• There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!

• When your husband withholds his love, trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!

• Give your husband honor, love, and biblical respect even though his actions do not deserve it. Give him warm acceptance no matter what. The more hopeless your situation is, the more your loving behavior is apt to be accepted as genuine.

• Don’t try to reform your husband. Just love him.

• Live one day at a time.

• Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!

• Don’t be bitter against anyone in the situation. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!

• Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your husband.

• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust to keep silence.

• Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.

• Concentrate on yourself, redeeming the mistakes you made, and asking God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.

• Do not separate. Encourage your husband to stay in the home, no matter what.

• Do not give your husband a divorce. Do all in your power to delay or prevent it. If you must consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it is only for your financial protection and that of your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.

• Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.

• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband when he does come home if the children are out of control.

• Do not try to defend yourself from gossip or criticism. Keep your mouth shut. The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace.

• Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale-bearing.

• When you do anything (large or small) to pull the marriage apart, you are going against God’s will. Let that be your guideline for all decisions.

• Don’t expect your husband to change overnight when he does come back home.

• The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don’t do it!

• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.

The above article goes on to give more helpful information including a first person narrative expository of the love story of Hosea, from the Bible. This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple, by Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, published by Zondervan Publishing House, www.zondervan.com.

This book details the process of rediscovering the joy of marriage through practical counsel involving communication and an understanding of each other in our sexual make-up. In Love Life for Every Married Couple, Physician Ed Wheat will help you improve your marriage through sharing, touching, appreciating and focusing healing attention on your mate. Answering physical, psychological and stress-related questions in a Christian context, Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life.

They also have a shorter version of this book which is a mass market paperback titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, by the same authors. You won’t get all of the information that the other book gives on sexual issues among other topics. This book just concentrates on the above subject.

If you can’t find the book at a distributor near you, you can order the book directly from the publisher at www.zondervan.com. If you live outside of the U.S. you can go to their web site and on their Home Page go into the section titled, “Information Desk.” Click on “International Distributors” for a list of distributors in your area.