“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles” (Isaiah 40:31 KJV).

Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.

When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.

“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”

“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”

“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”

As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.

Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.

Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.

Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.

During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.

“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:26-31).

The above article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the excellent book, “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation” published by Life Journey. As Linda writes about this book, “Broken Heart on Hold is meant to be a friend to walk beside you through the labyrinths of your confusion and pain. It is not a quick fix or a prescription for how to solve your problems. It is intended to be a daily companion in your crisis. It is not a book to be picked up and read through once and then set on the shelf. Rather, I suggest you read one selection each day and let the devotional thoughts sink into your heart and mind. Mull it over. Chew it up. Then the following day go on to the next.”

You can also visit Linda’s Web site at www.brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.” As she says, “From my Web site you can download full-color pages of whatever Scripture you choose and post it on your wall, mirror, or refrigerator so you can see it regularly and be encouraged. When our minds are spinning in different directions, being reminded of a Scripture can lead us to a more peaceful and healthy path.” Preview or Buy This Book Now.

While good splits are better than bitter ones are, the best divorces still leave children with lasting inner conflict, says Marquardt, a Chicago-based affiliate scholar at the non-partisan Institute for American Values in New York City and herself a child of a good divorce. Her study makes her case in the just published Between Two Worlds.

Q: Much has been written about the low impact of “good” divorce. Your study says otherwise.

A: Good divorce is a theory, not a fact. The grown children of divorce will tell you there is no such thing as a “good” divorce. Despite parental love and good intentions, divorce creates insurmountable problems for a child.

Q: How so?

A: The parents can both be good people, but they are different. In a marriage, it’s the job of the parents to make sense out of their two worlds. Divorced parents have two different versions of truth. The child sees these worlds as polar opposites. The children grow up traveling between two worlds. They start to feel like a different person with each parent. It really hits the child in their identity formation. With divorce, all of a sudden the child has to say: “Who am I?” and “How do I make sense of this?” This is a huge developmental task that is handed to children of divorce that is not part the lives of children of intact families.

Q: Eventually we all have to answer those questions.

A: Yes, but it happens on the divorce timeline, not on the timeline of the child’s own needs.

Q: Shouldn’t it comfort a child when both parents attend the child’s games and school events?

A: In a “good” divorce, parents get to get together on the soccer field, but because the only connection is the child, that’s hard. It’s the child alone who maintains these two relationships. They are the only common link to both worlds. That’s a big job. It makes them self-conscious. It makes them feel they have to watch both sides. Even surrounded by people, they feel much more isolated.

Q: Other fallout?

A: There’s a lot of loss that comes with divorce. There is this theme of loneliness. Children of divorce are three times more likely to say, “I was alone a lot as a child.” It makes them feel grown up too soon, like little adults. It makes them guarded and can make them secretive. These are the kinds of things that make it really hard to be honest with themselves from being their honest true self with the person they are most intimate with their spouse. These are huge losses that impact their spiritual lives.

Most are much less likely to be religious than those from intact families, but others look to God as the father they never had in real life. The cost can be in their relationship with the parent. One huge finding: Only one third of children of divorce say they went to one or both parents for comfort. Children of divorce are more likely to say they went to peers or handled it alone.

Q: If one is settled on getting a divorce, is there a better time in the child’s life to do it?

A: I don’t find that there is, but the earlier you do it the more complicated it is for the child.

Q: Your advice?

A: Two thirds of divorces end low-conflict marriages. Most are not these abusive, fighting like cats and dogs marriages. People just want out. For parents who are married and have considered divorce (and who hasn’t?) it might be the midlife blahs or boredom. But this good divorce talk is incredibly misleading. We hear the stories about how many kids end up brutally damaged by awful divorces and then hear this good divorce thought: Your child will be fine. But you don’t want to just prevent awful damage in your child. You want them to thrive.

Q: So right the marriage at any cost?

A: No. With chronic infidelity, abuse, addictions, we have divorce. These marriages have to end, but it’s not easy.

But for low-conflict marriages there are great resources, including on the Web: www.smartmarriages.com and the www.marriagefriendlytherapist.com.

The above article came from the magazine, U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORTS, 9/26/05, written by Katy Kelly, written as a book review for the book, Between Two Worlds, written by Elizabeth Marquardt, published by Three Rivers Press.

Even King David talked about escaping the pain he was going through. He’s quoted in Psalm 55:6-8 as saying,

“I said, ‘Oh, that I had wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest —I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.’”

It sounds tempting at times, doesn’t it? In the book, The Walk Out Woman, author Dr Steve Stephens says this,

“In many ways, difficult emotions can be more painful than a physical injury. Our friend Keely writes, ‘When you are hurting, your heart feels as though it will break into a thousand pieces —or just stop working altogether.’ Some of the clients I see in my practice say there are times when they feel so much pain they wonder if they are going crazy or if they might even die. No wonder their first thought is to escape in some way —in any way. Emotions can be so intense that they distort your thinking and tempt you to consider options that are irrational, unhealthy, or in direct opposition to your core values.”

Divorce may seem like it’s the only way to end the pain. But does it really accomplish the end of pain? Or does it exchange one pain for another?

“Some might refer to divorce as ‘getting out and getting on with your life’ Saying it that way actually makes it sound appealing. After all, divorce, in many cases, seems like the easy way out. Although everyone knows divorce is traumatic, emotionally wearing, and painful, making the decision to just stop trying often looks a whole lot easier than getting back in the ring and continuing to slug it out.

“Staying seems to require a deep well of time and energy, and great personal sacrifice and risk that even Job couldn’t endure. Cutting and running just seems like the only viable alternative. If you’re lucky, maybe your troubles will remain ‘back there’ somewhere. And if you’re really lucky, the divorce will allow you to quit feeling defeated, ashamed, angry, bitter. Even if those negative emotions follow you, they have to be less after leaving than they would be if you stayed. Is that true?” (Dr Tim Clinton, “Before a Bad Goodbye”) Preview or Purchase This Book Now

According to Dr Clinton, as he explains later in the book, many, many times, it isn’t true. The following is something you may want to consider You may want to prayerfully consider:

“Whatever the reasons behind the decision, most people ending a marriage hope to improve the quality of life for themselves and their children. They hope to find a new love, a more enriching relationship, a more responsive sexual partner, a more supportive companion, a better provider. Failing that, they hope to establish a single life that will provide greater opportunity for self-respect, contentment, and serenity, or at least, less turbulence, intrusiveness, and hurt.

“People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses —back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean. …Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than they expect.” (Judy Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade After Divorce)

Author Michele Weiner Davis puts it another way,

“In my work, I’ve had a bird’s eye view of what happens in people’s lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that linger for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such as the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even many years after the divorce and their parents’ subsequent remarriages, still want to know if Mom and Dad will ever get back together.

“Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposable marriages, I know it isn’t a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it’s a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks!” (From the book “The Divorce Remedy”) Preview or Purchase This Book Now

There are so many recent findings that show us that the long-term effects of divorce is more devastating than most people realize. It’s not exactly a “stress reliever” or a way of leaving yourself of “troubles” but rather, it is an exchange of one set of troubles for another.

“The idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, ‘Kids are resilient, they’ll bounce back,’ or ‘In the long run, this will be better for everyone.’ It’s not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called ‘freedom.’ Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.” (Michele Weiner Davis, “The Divorce Remedy”)

Michele goes on in her book with a letter written by a woman named Joan, who fell into that trap, only to later regret it. She writes:

“Dear Michele,
I was married for 18 years and we have three terrific children. I instigated a divorce. It was final six months ago. Now, I am having second thoughts.

I never imagined that I would feel this way because, for years, I was so miserable in my marriage. I thought that once I got out, we all would be better off. At first, it was a relief to get away from all the arguing. However, I could not anticipate how quickly the feelings of relief would turn to pain. The look on my children’s faces when they talk to their dad on the phone or when they come back from weekend visits has been more than I can bear.

What surprises me the most though is the fact that I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. He is far from perfect, but I now realize I could have made more of an effort to learn how to deal with the things that irritated or hurt me. Now I am haunted by the fact that my divorce destroyed not only a marriage but a family.”

Another letter, written by a man who is divorced, and has lived to regret the pain it has brought with it, is posted on the Smart Marriages web site. And although it’s not a Christian ministry it’s a very good organization that we recommend highly.

We need to warn you that there are several profane words in the article, but the message of the rest of the article is outstanding! It’s well worth reading. To read the article in its entirety:

• WHEN A FAMILY MAN THINKS TWICE

We urge you to consider slowing things down and thinking twice about reinvesting in the marriage you’re in, and looking even harder for ways to make it healthy.

The following is an article that explains the importance of rethinking things, despite the relationship crisis you are encountering. It appears on the web site for the National Institute of Marriage. Please click onto the link provided below to read it:

• SLOWING DOWN IN A CRISIS

And then lastly, and so importantly, there is a something posted on the Smart Marriages web site that we believe would greatly help you during this time. Getting a divorce is too important of a decision to make without considering everything possible that can be done beforehand. To read what they have posted, please click onto the following link:

• BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DIVORCE…

If you have any additional thoughts you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

“I wish Cindy would listen to us,” I said.

“She made it clear she doesn’t want to hear anything from us divorcées,” said Betsy. “She’s made up her mind, and she’s not changing it.”

That morning, in utter frustration, my friends and I compiled a list: what we wish we’d known before we got divorced —the things we wanted Cindy to know before she made her final decision. Each of us had experienced the upheaval of divorce and watched 12 of our close friends’ second marriages end.

We all knew Cindy wasn’t casually deciding to end her marriage —few people do. Divorce is one of the most agonizing choices a couple makes. We understood the anger, panic, abandonment, and feelings of being trapped that lead many people to divorce. But we’d also experienced the “other side” of being single again. We’d seen the lives of our children changed forever. Years later, we continue to live with the ongoing pain and complications of a destroyed marriage.

As a licensed psychologist, I’ve heard many people consider the possibility of ending their marriage. They look at divorce as a solution to their marital woes, a viable answer to their pain and frustration. Ultimately, however, it creates only different problems. In a recent study by the Institute for American Values chaired by sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago, researchers asked, “Does divorce make people happy?” They found that those who ended their troubled marriage in divorce weren’t any happier than those who remained married. In fact, two-thirds of those who stayed married reported happy marriages five years later.

Here’s the list we compiled for Cindy.

1. Life will change more than you realize
“I thought I’d enjoy being alone,” says Lori, who has never remarried. “But I’m lonely. Whenever my friends complain about how needy their husbands or children are, I say, ‘Try living without that.’”

Andy, like Lori, hasn’t remarried. “I didn’t expect to miss odd things like the towels folded neatly, shopping for groceries together, or the Saturday routine we’d established,” he says. After his divorce, Andy realized how much the familiar, everyday things of married life meant to him.

Add children to the equation, and the result is even stickier. Instead of two people parenting your children, if you have custody, you’re left to do it all —alone. You become the sole breadwinner, spiritual adviser, disciplinarian, housekeeper. The stress levels of this responsibility can become staggering.

Then there are the scheduling dilemmas. Recently, my friend Betsy and I were discussing how complicated it can be to see our sons during a short college break. Although we both cooperate with our ex-husbands, we still ache as we watch our innocent children bear the heavy responsibility of carefully doling out their time between the families in an effort not to alienate either parent.

Although the everyday occurrences can create plenty of challenges after divorce, the special occasions are worse. Every birthday, holiday, wedding, or funeral is a potential nightmare. Allison told me, “At my future daughter-in-law’s wedding, she’s planning to walk down the aisle by herself because she has multiple fathers and is torn between her allegiances. My heart breaks for her.” These problems don’t end when the children grow up and marry. The hassles continue with the grandchildren.

Even if you remarry, the consequences of your divorce continue to impact your life. Jan Coleman, author of After the Locusts, was single —again for 12 years before marrying Carl. As good as her present marriage is, she doesn’t hesitate to say what a dramatic change it made in her life.

“Yes, you can love and trust again,” she says. “But the first marriage is God’s best, his design. We weren’t meant to give up on it, but to work through all the struggles to God’s glory and our best. The tearing of the flesh may heal, but the scars are always there. Remarriage can be great in many ways if you marry for the right reasons, but it’s still not the same.”

2. Your life won’t be more carefree
As a self-confident, independent woman with a fast-moving career and no children, Stephanie couldn’t wait to be free of the pain of her dying marriage.

“I would no longer have to put with up his problems,” she says. “I’d be able to do what I wanted when I wanted. But after the divorce, it was my career and my home that began to hold me hostage. I was imprisoned by all the things I thought made me look good.”

Divorce never brought the carefree lifestyle Stephanie had expected.

There are those seemingly hidden emotional wounds that can pop open when we least expect or which we learn to expect on special anniversaries. Jan Coleman says, “Every Christmas, I become depressed. After 20 years it still hits me suddenly, without warning. I was first married in December, and my childhood sweetheart left me for another woman 15 Decembers later. Every year I have a weepy week.”

Jan’s second husband understands and gives her the space “to grieve again for the loss of that ideal family I spent my life imagining. There are times when it hits him too. You’re never free from the effects of that broken first marriage.”

I know this truth from personal experience. Recently, I began dating someone who’s divorced. Because of our pasts, we have several barriers in our current relationship —one of which is the fear of trusting and loving again.

3. You trade one set of problems for another
Even the most amiable break-ups bring deep wounds. There are always consequences to divorce.

“What I didn’t anticipate,” says Brad, who hasn’t remarried, “was the way my friends perceived me. All of a sudden I became damaged goods. One couple, who’d been my close friends for 20 years, became cool toward me after the divorce.”

There’s a ripple effect. Your divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse. It affects everyone around you. Friends often feel as if they must pick sides, so they keep their distance. Relationships with those who do remain loyal change abruptly. Church friends may stay away, feeling uncomfortable. And family members who’ve grown to love and care for the ex feel forced to “divorce” as well.

Then there are the financial ramifications. Dividing the assets isn’t always done equitably. Vern was left with only 31 percent of his retirement account even though his ex-wife worked and they had no children together. At the age of 49, this circumstance was a blow to his retirement plans.

If there’s a remarriage, blending children from previous marriages brings problems that can range from emotional chaos to stoic tolerance. A recently remarried friend said, “My life is more complicated than ever. I’ve put all this effort into a new marriage, but we’re struggling. My new stepson ignores me. His attitude is, ‘I’m here to be with my dad and that’s it.’ I feel horrible —like a second class citizen in my own home.”

4. Feelings can be deceiving
Kathy, who was in her twenties and newly married, learned that following her feelings can have tragic consequences.

“My husband was away a lot, and most evenings I was home alone. I felt lonely and empty. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered why I ever got married.

“When I met a man who made me feel alive and passionate about life, I concluded these feelings of excitement confirmed I was no longer in love with my husband.

“Rather than praying and giving my concerns to God, I took the situation in my own hands and moved out. I was convinced I’d made a mistake in getting married.”

Still single five years later, Kathy wishes some wise woman would have come alongside her, prayed with her, and gently reminded her that love is a choice and a commitment, not an emotion.

When my son was 6 years old, he’d complain about being disciplined for disobeying what he called my “stupid rules.” Over and over I’d repeat, “Kyle, I’m being short-term mean, but long-term nice.”

Like children, we sometimes allow our desire for momentary pleasure to pull us from God’s best. Rather than doing the hard work it takes to invest daily in our marriage, we make seemingly innocent decisions thinking they’ll do no harm.

Our friend Cindy didn’t listen to us. She opted for the divorce. Sadly she wasn’t willing to persevere and uncover the lost treasures that first drew her and her husband together. With God’s help, her current pain or discontentment could have been transformed into long-term joy and abundant blessings. Like my son learned many years ago, short-term pain can indeed lead to long-term gain.

*Names have been changed

We’d really encourage you to do this because we believe it would help you further. You can take advantage of these features by clicking here and then scrolling down towards the bottom of the page.

Georgia Shaffer, author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss (Vine Brooks), is a speaker and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania in the United States of America. Visit Georgia at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com.

“I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned.”
“My husband is no longer my friend.”
“The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.”
“He’s never there for me when I need him the most.”
“When he hurts my feelings he doesn’t apologize.”
“He lives his life as if we weren’t married; he rarely considers me.”
“We’re like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine.”
“My husband has become a stranger to me—
I don’t even know who he is anymore.”
“He doesn’t show any interest in me or what I do.”

Women tend to be more concerned about their marriages than men. They buy most of the books on marriage to try to improve them and initiate most marriage counseling. They often complain about their marriages to their closest friends and sometimes to anyone who will listen. And they also file for divorce twice as often as men.

Why do women seem so dissatisfied with marriage? What do they want from their husbands? What bothers them so much about marriage that most are willing to risk their families’ future to escape it? Why do women leave men?

Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.

When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.

The simpler role of husbands in decades past has now been replaced by a much more complex and confusing role, especially in their relationship with their wives. Some conclude that women are born to complain and men must ignore it to survive. Others feel that women have come to expect so much of men that they’re impossible to please, so there’s no point in even trying. Very few men, these days, feel that they’ve learned to become the husbands that their wives have wanted, and the job seems to be getting more and more difficult.

Grounds for Divorce: Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as often as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is “mental cruelty.” When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband’s efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect.

Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is “neglect” itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment. Husbands that work away from the home, sometimes leaving their wives alone for weeks at a time, fall into this category.

When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it’s far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, fraud, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.

I have little trouble convincing most men that verbal and physical abuse are legitimate reasons for their wives to leave. And there has been increasing social pressure on men lately to avoid hurting their wives physically and verbally, which makes my job even easier. But neglect is a much tougher sell, and it’s also much more difficult to overcome than abuse. While it’s the most important reason women leave men, it’s hard to convince men that it’s a legitimate reason, something they should avoid at all costs.

Some of the common complaints I hear from women is, “He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls me to see how I’m doing, he hurts my feelings and then never apologizes: Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.”

Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel that their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic if married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.

Do women expect too much of their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should? I’ve proven to husbands over and over again that their wives usually don’t expect too much of them, and when they understand and respond to their wives’ frustration, the complaining ends and a terrific marriage begins.

What’s more, their wives aren’t expecting more effort from them. Instead, they expect efforts in a different direction. It isn’t more difficult to please women these days; it simply requires a change in the priority of effort.

What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who’s there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.

I use a house as an illustration to help husbands understand how their wives feel. Each room in the house represents one of the husband’s roles in life. There’s a room for his job as a production manager, there’s another for golf, another for his new sports car, one for his garden, one for his children, one for church, and, yes, one for his wife.

As he makes his way through an average day, he visits various rooms when he’s faced with the role the room defines. And when he’s in a certain room, the others are blocked out of his mind so that he can focus his undivided attention on the role he plays at the time. He does his best when he’s not faced with distractions, and prefers to deal with each problem with all his energy and creativity so that he does the best he can in each role he plays.

The wives of most men are only one of many rooms in this imaginary house. It represents the “husband” role. When they’re in that room, they usually try to give their wives undivided attention and make a special effort to meet their needs. They also go to that room to have their own needs met, particularly the need for sex.

What frustrates wives most is that they’re relegated to only one room in their husbands’ imaginary house instead of every room. In other words, they want to be integrated into a man’s entire life, not relegated to one corner. Without such integration, there can be no emotional bonding, uniting of the spirit, feeling of intimacy, and in many cases, no sex.

To help husbands learn to avoid this unpleasant outcome, I’ve tried to show them how to become and stay emotionally connected to their wives by inviting them into each room of their house. They learn to become more than the role of “husband” to their wives. They learn to integrate their wives into every aspect of their lives.

When I counsel a husband, I explain that he’s to invite his wife into each room of his house. Regardless of his role or responsibility, his wife should be considered in each decision he makes. Once the invitation is made, the results are startling!

When a husband invites his wife into each room of his house, she helps change his priorities. She reminds him that her feelings are very different from his. As a result, he begins to live his life in a way that’s compatible to her needs and values. He learns how to avoid habits that cause his wife to be unhappy, and he learns how to meet her most important emotional needs. He also learns how to give his undivided attention to her and schedule time to be alone with her.

THE POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT: To help men integrate their wives into each room, I’ve encouraged husbands to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement: NEVER DO ANYTHING WITHOUT AN ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.

This policy helps men take their wives’ feelings into account whenever they make a decision. They avoid thoughtless habits, learn to meet emotional needs with mutual enjoyment and resolve their conflicts. All of this creates marital compatibility and emotional bonding.

The word “anything” in the policy applies to all the activities of a husband that go on in each of his rooms. So whenever he follows it, he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he learns to think about his wife’s reaction to everything he does, not just what goes on in the “husband” room.

Some argue that just an agreement would be a big help, why insist on enthusiastic agreement? It’s because I want couples to avoid agreements that are coerced or self-sacrificing. I want couples to learn how to come to agreements that take both of their interests into account at once. I’ve encouraged couples to continue to negotiate until they arrive at an enthusiastic agreement because they’re the ones that stand up to the test of time.

Most men complain that if they invite their wives into every room of their imaginary houses, their wives will take over completely and they’ll lose all their peace and freedom. They imagine their identities shriveling away and find themselves a shadow of their former selves. But the Policy of Joint Agreement prevents that unfortunate outcome. Joint agreement means that both husband and wife must be enthusiastic together, and no one risks losing their identity or subjecting themselves to slavery when they themselves must be enthusiastic about each decision. The goal is to become united in purpose and spirit, not to overpower or control each other.

How easy is it? Couples that are already emotionally bonded have little or no trouble following this policy because they’ve already learned how to behave in sensitive and caring ways in each of their life’s roles. But emotionally distant couples have great difficulty with the policy at first. They’re accustomed to doing what they please regardless of its effect on each other, especially when they play certain roles. But if they follow the policy for even one day, they begin to see how their thoughtlessness has created emotional distance.

As couples apply the policy to each of their daily plans and activities, they begin to feel cared for by each other and are encouraged by each other’s thoughtfulness. Over time, their emotional binding becomes more and more firm, and the policy becomes easier and easier to follow as they become soul mates.

Men who follow the Policy of Joint Agreement think about their wives throughout the day, because as they make decisions they ask themselves how their wives would feel. Phone calls are made whenever there’s doubt. As time passes, these men become increasingly sensitive to their wives’ feelings. If men consider their wives feelings in each decision they make, asking their wives when there’s any uncertainty, they create a compatible lifestyle.

The Policy of Joint Agreement helps create understanding, emotional bonding, intimacy and romantic love in marriage. Men that learn to take their wives feelings into account meet their most important emotional needs. They also learn to overcome the selfish habits that make their wives so unhappy, because these habits don’t meet the standard of mutual agreement. Over time, they experience what every couple hopes to create in marriage: A loving and compatible relationship.

A woman doesn’t leave the man who has invited her into every room of his house. That’s because she doesn’t stand outside the rooms of his house feeling like a stranger. She’s welcomed into his entire home as his cherished life partner.

The above article was featured a while back in the great resource, New Man Magazine, which provides wisdom and encouragement to men from the approach of real masculinity and Christianity. Even though this is an American Magazine, it also provides international subscription services which you can learn about on their web site at www.newmanmag.com, plus you can read some very interesting articles there also. We highly recommend that you check out what they have to offer!

Dr Willard Harley, who is a well known author and speaker, also has a great web site that you may want to check out at www.marriagebuilders.com because it has a lot of very helpful articles plus a Discussion Forum that is also available for your use.

— AND NOW —

For those of you who want to know why men leave women, the article we found is posted on the E-Harmony web site. To read what they have posted on this subject (plus comments they have posted below the article), please click onto the link below to read:

• 3 REASONS MEN LEAVE WOMEN THEY LOVE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

2. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages.²

3. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing. The reasons for this aren’t well understood. In part, the type of people who are willing to co-habit may also be the same types who are more willing to divorce. There’s some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended.³

4. Divorce may cause problems for many of the children, who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. There’s evidence, both from small qualitative studies and from large-scale, long-term empirical studies that many of these problems are long lasting. In fact, they may even become worse in adulthood.⁴

5. Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Many studies have shown that the most stressful time in a marriage is after the first child is born. Couples who have a child together have a slightly decreased risk of divorce compared to couples without children, but the decreased risk is far less than it used to be when parents with marital problems were more likely to stay together “for the sake of the children.”⁵

6. Following divorce, the woman’s standard of living plummets by 73% while that of the man’s improves by 42%. This dramatic inequity — one of the most widely publicized statistics from the social sciences — was later found to be based on a faulty calculation. A reanalysis of the data determined that the woman’s loss was 27% while the man’s gain was 10%. Irrespective of the magnitude of the differences, the gender gap is real and seems not to have narrowed much in recent decades.⁶

7. When parents don’t get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. A recent large-scale, long-term study suggests otherwise. While it found that parents’ marital unhappiness and discord have a broad negative impact on virtually every dimension of their children’s well-being, so does the fact of going through a divorce. In examining the negative impacts on children more closely, the study discovered that it was only the children in very high conflict homes who benefited from the conflict removal that divorce may bring in lower-conflict marriages that end in divorce.

And the study found that perhaps as many as two thirds of the divorces were of this type. The situation of the children was made much worse following a divorce. Based on the findings of this study, therefore, except in the minority of high-conflict marriages, it’s better for the children if their parents stay together and work out their problems than if they divorce.⁷

8. Because they’re more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Marriages of the children of divorce actually have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from intact families. A major reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn about marital commitment or permanence by observing their parents. In the children of divorce, the sense of commitment to a lifelong marriage has been undermined.⁸

9. Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. The evidence suggests that stepfamilies are no improvement over single-parent families, even though typically income levels are higher and there’s a father figure in the home. Stepfamilies tend to have their own set of problems, including interpersonal conflicts with new parent figures and a very high risk of family breakup.⁹

10. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. All marriages have their ups and downs. Recent research using a large national sample found that 86% of people who were unhappily married in the late 1980s, and stayed with the marriage, indicated when interviewed five years later that they were happier. Indeed, three fifths of the formerly unhappily married couples rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy.”¹⁰

Additional Myth:

It’s usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower.¹¹

Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.

Sources:

1 Joshua R. Goldstein, “The Leveling of Divorce in the United States” Demography 36 (1999): 409-414; Arthur J. Norton and Louisa F. Miller Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the 1990s (Washington, DC: U S. Bureau of the Census, 1992) Robert Schoen and Nicola Standish, “The Retrenchment of Marriage: Results from the Marital Status Life Tables for the United States, 1995″ Unpublished manuscript, Department of Sociology, Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA [back to text]

2 Joshua R. Goldstein, “The Leveling of Divorce in the United States Demography” 36 (1999): 409-414; Andrew Cherlin, Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1992) [back to text]

3 Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao, “Premartial Cohabitation and Marital Instability in the United States: A Reassessment” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 178-190; Pamela J. Smock, “Cohabitation in the United States” Annual Review of Sociology 26 (2000) [back to text]

4 Judith Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New York: Hyperion, 2000); Andrew J. Cherlin, P. Lindsay Chase-Landsdale, and Christine McRae, “Effects of Parental Divorce on Mental Health Throughout the Life Course” American Sociological Review 63 (1998): 239-249; Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1997) [back to text]

5 Tim B. Heaton, “Marital Stability Throughout the Child-rearing Years” Demography 27 (1990): 55-63; Linda Waite and Lee A. Lillard, “Children and Marital Disruption” American Journal of Sociology 96 (1991): 930-953; Carolyn Pape Cowan and Philip A. Cowan, When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples (New York: Basic Books, 1992) [back to text]

6 Leonore J. Weitzman, “The Economics of Divorce: Social and Economic Consequences of Property, Alimony, and Child Support Awards” UCLA Law Review 28 (August, 1981): 1251; Richard R. Peterson, “A Re-Evaluation of the Economic Consequences of Divorce” American Sociological Review 61 (June, 1996): 528-536; Pamela J. Smock, “The Economic Costs of Marital Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades” Demography 30 (August, 1993): 353-371 [back to text]

7 Paul R. Amato and Alan Booth, A Generation at Risk (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1997) [back to text]

8 Paul R. Amato, “What Children Learn From Divorce” Population Today, (Washington, DC: Population Reference Bureau, January 2001); Nicholas H. Wolfinger, “Beyond the Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce” Journal of Family Issues 21-8 (2000): 1061-1086 [back to text]

9 Sara McLanahan and Gary Sandefur, Growing Up With a Single Parent (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1994); Alan Booth and Judy Dunn (eds.), Stepfamilies: Who Benefits? Who Does Not? (Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum, 1994) [Back to text]

10 Unpublished research by Linda J. Waite, cited in Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000): 148 [back to text]

11 Margaret F. Brinig and Douglas A. Allen, “These Boots Are Made For Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women” American Law and Economics Review 2-1 (2000): 126-169 [back to text]

The above article was sent to us from: Smartmarriages® www.smartmarriages.com, Subject: The Top 10 Myths of Divorce – 10/1/01, Discussion of the most common misinformation about Divorce, written by David Popenoe, The National Marriage Project http://marriage.rutgers.edu

Divorce is ugly even when it’s between two nice people. The notion of a “good divorce” is a definite oxymoron. Whether it is the man who walks away or the woman who leaves, the very nature of divorce places a couple in an antagonistic position and forces each of them to look after his or her own personal (and, yes, frequently selfish) interests.

…There are many reasons why we believe divorce is a choice you will regret. Following are six that occur most often in our research.

1. Divorce devastates your children. Although it is common to assume that children are resilient and “bounce back” after divorce, many recent studies reveal that divorce leaves children with lifelong scars. The reality is that kids (regardless of their ages) are innocent victims of divorce, and yet they often blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. At the same time, they lose the constant presence of one parent. They may also lose their home, their church, their standard of living, their sense that life is secure, and their role models for lasting love and healthy relationships. As a result, children of divorce have a higher probability of being abused, having difficulty in school, struggling with depression, acting out violently, getting involved in promiscuity, falling into addictions, failing in their marriages, and rejecting their parents’ faith.

2. Divorce confuses and disconnects other people too. Family members and friends feel like they have to choose sides, and they feel disloyal if they still love and respect the left-behind spouse. “My heart is broken,” said the mother of a walk-out woman. “I love her so much, but she will never understand how hard this is for me.” Many times the extraordinarily valuable interaction between grandparents and grandchildren is compromised or ruined.

3. Divorce is a financial disaster—especially for women. It’s obvious that it costs more for a couple or family to live apart than to live together. Sometimes the family home has to be sold and other assets divided. Add in the lawyers’ fees, and from a purely monetary position, divorce doesn’t make sense. The impact on everyone’s self-esteem and the adjustment in quality of life is far more severe than most women ever think possible. Because women usually retain custody of children and because women usually earn less than men, the majority of divorced women experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living—as much as 27 percent, while men typically gain about 10 percent.

One person summed it up this way: When you think of the thousands of dollars a couple spends on divorce proceedings, how much better if that money were spent on marriage counseling and attempts at reconciliation. Another says, “Divorce is much more financially devastating than most wives can imagine. I know because I’ve been there.”

4. Divorce rarely solves the problem. It’s tempting to believe that divorce is easier than keeping the marriage together, but that’s simply not true. Running away rarely solves problems; we carry them with us like heavy suitcases. If you had communication problems in your marriage, chances are you will continue to have communication problems. If there are intimacy issues in marriage, those issues are likely to follow you out of the marriage.

No matter how painful your relationship has become, you really do have a choice. You can stay in the marriage and work on the issues where you are. Or you can leave and work on those same issues in a different situation—with all the added pain and devastation created by the divorce itself.

5. Divorce sets you up to repeat your difficulty. It may be tempting, while in the throes of a painful marriage, to assume that things would be better with someone else. But research shows just the opposite. The truth is that second marriages have about a 60 percent failure rate. And that percentage increases exponentially for third or fourth marriages. Too often the complaints heard about a first marriage are the same complaints that develop in subsequent relationships.

6. Divorce often weakens your faith. Knowing that God hates divorce (especially when there are no biblical grounds), it is not uncommon for a walk-out woman to distance herself from church and Christian friends. As her pride and self-esteem tumble, she may become like a lonely ember separated from the fire, and her faith may slowly turn cold.

The school of life, as well as many passages in the Bible teaches us that difficulties help us grow. But walking away from our problems usually does just the opposite. It promotes immaturity because we escape the challenges and hard work of perseverance and patience. Yes, it is natural to look for a way out when facing adversity, but choosing to remain steadfast builds character and helps us discover the great faithfulness of God. God has set eternity in our hearts, and He is preparing us for the there instead of providing us with what we call happiness here. Unfortunately the choice between happiness and godliness is not always easy.

We realize that some of you reading this are in such dire circumstances that you must leave. If that’s true—if you’ve carefully and prayerfully considered your options, sought counseling, done everything you can to make your marriage work—then we certainly aren’t sitting in judgment. The road before you will be hard, and we hope you will rely on your heavenly Father, who loves you no matter what, to comfort you and guide you and help you grow through this new kind of adversity.

But before you reach that point, we pray that you will think very hard about the consequences of divorce. We have found that people who think about walking away usually minimize the consequences of divorce. They believe they can beat the odds and make another marriage work or that their children will get through the trauma of divorce without any scars. They rationalize away their moral and religious beliefs by saying that God wants them to be happy, and yet they make a choice that leaves a wide path of pain for others.

You may think it would take a miracle for your marriage. But again, God is in the miracle business and nothing is impossible with Him. With His help, you can not only survive, but actually thrive in your marriage.

The Bible says that we leave an inheritance to our children’s children. If you intentionally leave your marriage and forsake your vows you made on your wedding day, you leave an inheritance of regret. We don’t know anyone who is proud of his or her divorce.

But if you stay in your marriage and with God’s help it turns around, think of the wonderful inheritance you will leave for others—a legacy of faith and faithfulness. That is truly a rich and worthy gift to pass along to future generations.

Marriage Missions Editors Note:

Here’s what the Bible has to say on this subject:

“When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” (Numbers 30:2)

“Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the Lord your God with your own mouth.” (Deuteronomy 23:23)

“It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows.” (Proverbs 20:25)

“…the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth… she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:14-15)

“When you are making a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, ‘My vow was a mistake.’ Whey should God be angry at what you say and destroy the works of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.” (Ecclesiastes 5:4-7)

This article comes for the outstanding book titled, THE WALKOUT WOMAN …When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams are Lost, written by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. We HIGHLY recommend this book! It really is a “must-have resource!” It’s especially beneficial for women who really need practical and inspiring help to breathe new life into their marriages which may seem hopeless.

This is what the authors have to say, concerning this book (which will give you a sampling of what it contains):

“We pray that you will recognize the symptoms and dangers of becoming a walk-out woman and that you will realize that it is not a path to happiness. Opening your heart to your marriage again is indeed a risk, but we believe it’s a risk worth taking. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started ‘keeping score’ and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, getting connected again with your husband, resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.”

There are 3 spheres that allow one to be divorced:

• When immorality enters into a relationship — it is an allowance by God.

• When there is a non-Christian married to a Christian and the non-Christian deserts the Christian— then that is an allowance for the Christian to proceed with a divorce allowed by God…

• Removal from the fellowship of God to be excommunicated as to be under Spiritual death (1 Corinthians 5) (where there’s immorality, beating, or being a “striker,” being a violent person, for a person who’s not taking care of his family, etc.) It’s where the “supposed” Christian will not come under authority.

To sum it all up— a death must occur. For a woman is bound to her husband as long as the both shall live, as the Scriptures says. But when one dies, she is no longer bound. So a person can die physically— therefore, the Covenant has been broken. Or they can die Spiritually and therefore, the Covenant can be broken.

So the question is: WHO determines (the legitimate grounds), and HOW is it determined— who decides? After discussing this whole issue of “removing people” from the fellowship in 1 Corinthians 5, it then continues in chapter 6 to explain HOW it’s to be done. (So chapter 6 is the continuation of chapter 5.)

God has set you up to judge the “whole world.” Judgment is a part of the role of the people of God. They render decisions on behalf of God Himself.

Kingdom decisions are to be rendered by Kingdom People, because only Kingdom People obligate themselves to Kingdom rules.

The Church was never intended to be a “2-hour building” that you went to for services once a week. It was intended to be an “expression of the Kingdom intentions” of the King. That’s why when Jesus prayed He said, “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

So like it or not, judgment is a part of the role of the people of God.

A couple that decides that they want a divorce for “irreconcilable differences” (which there’s no such divorce for) needs to realize that everybody is irreconcilable to everybody else. You are very different than your mate. You’re supposed to be. God intentionally made you different. The issue is not the differences— we’re to turn them into “complements rather than conflicts.” But His point is, that you don’t go to the unrighteous, who have no Kingdom view of marriage, and don’t understand that God is the author of marriage. They’ll simply grant you (because you agree on your own terms) a no-fault divorce.

He’s not putting down judges, because you must have Civil Government. But when it comes to matters of the Kingdom, they’re to be decided within the Kingdom, and then they can be confirmed in the government.

In verse 7 (of 1 Corinthians 6), he says if you go to a Secular Law Court— you’ve already lost. You’ve lost for 2 reasons: number 1 you’ve destroyed your testimony, and number 2, God is against your process.

And so he raises the point here that the church is to act as God’s judging agency. Now this ought to solve a very important issue that many Christians are very confused about whenever you hear a person say, “Well, you’re not supposed to judge.” They are wrong! You are supposed to judge. The Bible tells us to judge. It tells us in 1 Corinthians 6 “to render a judgment in the Church.”

Christians are supposed to judge. In fact, Christians who are right related to God, are the best judges because they’re going to judge predicated on a righteous standard. And the righteous standard is God Himself, manifested in and through His word! Because Christians have access to Truth, we can render judgment.

In Matthew 7 (verse 1), people misinterpret the passage where it says “Do not judge, lest you’ll be judged”. Is that because you aren’t to judge? No, in verse 2 it says, “for in the same way you judge, you will be judged, and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.”

He’s not saying, “don’t judge” but, BE CAREFUL, WHEN YOU JUDGE. Because the same judgment you use against another will be the very same judgment God uses against you. So think twice before you jump out there judgmentally. In other words, he’s saying, “judge carefully “—not don’t judge at all!

How do you judge carefully? (Look at verse 3, of Matthew 7). Don’t judge folks who have something wrong with them “speck-sized” when you’ve got a tree-trunk hanging out of your eyeballs!

The problem today is, we have people judging other people when they’re as “messed up” as the folks they’re judging. Don’t condemn somebody else for something you’re doing and can’t get a handle on.

(This can be further illustrated in John 8 with the woman who’s condemned for committing adultery.)

In the scriptures, when God established His courts, they carried authority with them. Deuteronomy 17, (starting with verse eight) shows that God’s court systems were to be taken seriously. And how powerful they were! (Numbers 5, starting with verse 12 illustrates this.) 1 Corinthians 10 (verse 11) says, “these things were written for our example.”

The Old Testament, you can use it— NOT for it’s REGULATIONS, but for it’s REVELATIONS. That is, the principles still applies even though the specific way of carrying it out— God may not use that anymore. And the principle is— that God wants his people to render judgment, on God’s behalf, related to any kind of litigation issues. And we’re constantly dealing with them. Do you go and sue them downtown? God’s clear— you take it to the church.

What’s the process? It’s in Matthew 18 (starting with verse 15). So the first thing you do is, you handle it personally.

If your brother has hurt you (or your mate has hurt you) the very first thing that you do is try to fix it privately. YOU NEVER CARRY A PROBLEM BEYOND ITS NEED, TO BE KNOWN. What makes it a need to be known? Verse 16— if he doesn’t listen to you. He’s not open for correction. He’s not repentant. But it’s a legitimate thing. He says, by then, with 2 or 3 witnesses, every fact is confirmed. Two or 3 witnesses would mean that there would be a legality attached to the process now. It became official… it had witnesses.

So you take 2 or 3 witnesses to confirm that you tried and they won’t — that you are trying to fix this marriage, but they won’t— that you’re trying to heal this relationship, but they won’t. This is so that it’s not your word against their word, that you can VALIDATE that there is a sin and that that mate is not willing to correct it.

What happens then? In verse 17 it says, “tell it to the church.“ Why do you tell it to the church? Because that’s the extended family—that’s the environment where God’s decisions are rendered.

“And if he will not listen to the church, LET HIM BE TO YOU, AS A GENTILE and TAX-GATHERER.” In other words, HE IS TO BE VIEWED AS SPIRITUALLY DEAD! He is rendered a gentile, or a tax collector. Not only were tax collectors sinners… they were also ostracized because of their occupation. Jews didn’t have fellowship with tax collectors. In other words, they are spiritually dead. They, may be a Christian… but you can now relate to them… as though they are spiritually dead.

Why? Verse 18. God gives the church the ability to act as His earthly court, rendering His heavenly decisions. “Whatever you loose on earth, will be loosed in heaven, whatever you bind on earth, will be bound in heaven.” The church’s job is to bind and loose. That simply means to “exercise authority on behalf of God.” AND IF YOU WANT TO BE BLESSED, THAT’S THE COURT YOU GO TO.

In verse 19, He says whenever you gather together to render decisions, “I’ll be in the midst of you.” “When you gather together to make judgments using My word, applying them to the situations of life —that’s when the rubber meets the road.”

The church is God’s extended family court. And just like you don’t want your children taking your family business out to the street, God doesn’t want His children carrying out kingdom business in the street to people who don’t have a Kingdom mentality.

But here’s why people don’t want to come to the church. They don’t want to come to the church because they don’t want to subject themselves to God. They want to go to somebody who will agree with them. They don’t want to be rendered a “righteous decision,” they only want to be rendered THEIR decision.

So, how does this relate to marriage and divorce? 1 Corinthians 7:39. As long as the mate is alive… either physically or covenantally… then you are bound to that person and the most you can do is (chapter 7:10), is separate and remain unmarried or be reconciled. You don’t have grounds for a divorce as long as they’re alive.

If they are dead, they must be dead by God’s coroner. And God’s coroner is the church. Once they’re declared dead, then a declaration of death is always a freedom to remarry— because a woman is only bound to her husband, as long as he lives. So once he either dies, or is declared to be such (as a tax gatherer or a sinner) or as 1 Corinthians 5:5 says, “put him in the realm of Satan.” At that point, the party is free to remarry. Why? It’s because God has canceled out the previous marriage.

God hates divorce. He never demands divorce. He only permits it. But He does allow it, when death occurs in order to preserve and protect the innocent.

There are 3 options the Christian has— (and by the way, the reason God says to be married “only in the Lord”, is because GOD DOESN’T WANT HEAVEN and HELL TO BE MARRIED, if they can help it), a person whose mate commits covenantal death has 3 choices:

• To restore them to the relationship based on restitution. In fact, that always ought to be the 1st option, to see if we can fix what got broke. What if your mate does something that causes covenantal death, but they’re sincerely repentant? And how do you know they’re sincerely repentant? The Bible says “let them bring forth fruits of repentance.” There must be a demonstration or restitution that pays back the offended party, that lets them know they’re serious in their heart about what they just verbalized with their mouth as demonstrated by their actions.

They must be restored based on “their fruits of repentance.” And if they’re sincerely repentant, then the goal should be, if at all possible, to seek to restore them. (And that’s the reason why God accepted the marriage of David to Bathsheba. God took restitution out on David. He lost four of his sons as David had declared that the man who did this crime should be punished four-fold. So he lost four of his sons as payment back to God. He set him free to marry only after he had received restitution.) So if you’ve offended your mate, you need to pay them back.

• To divorce —when your mate has become covenantally dead, that is, to have them declared so by the church, which frees you up. (This was the option Joseph was going to take with Mary. He decided to put her away privately, when he thought the mother of Jesus had been immoral.)

• You can choose to live continually with your covenantally dead spouse — even though they’ve committed an act and even though they’re unrepentant for their sin. (1 Corinthian 7:13-15) Here he sets the scenario, that the covenantally dead person or the unbeliever (he’s either an unbeliever, or he’s functioning as an unbeliever), wants to stay in the marriage relationship. If he’s willing to function, as her husband, and she’s willing to function as his wife— He says don’t leave.

You need to LOOK AT IT AS AN EVANGELISTIC OPPORTUNITY. He’s not saying you’re staying there and he’s beating on you. He’s not saying you’re staying there, and he won’t work. He’s talking about his willingness to stay there under the covenant of the family. Even if you have grounds (for divorce), if they’re willing to function properly, even though they’re not spiritually on track, then you “sanctify them.” If you love them and care about them, but they’re not on track, you may want to stay, pray, and watch God work through you to bring about a change— to bring that person back.

What do you do if you’re already coventally dead? GOOD NEWS—God has the ability to raise people from the dead!

Please consider contacting the ministry of Urban Alternatives through the web site just given to obtain this and other helpful information pertaining to divorce, marriage, re-marriage and other important topics.

Thus, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of a “throw-away marriage.” If we are no longer happy with each other and our relationship has run upon hard times, the easy thing is to abandon the relationship and start over.

I wish that I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon the loser and get on with your life.” That would be our approach if we had purchased bad stock. Get out before the stock falls further.

But a spouse is not stock. A spouse is a person—a person with emotions, personality, desires, and frustrations; a person to whom we were deeply attracted at one point in our lives, a person for whom we had warm feelings and genuine care. So deeply were we attracted to each other that we made a public commitment of our lives to each other “so long as we both shall live.” Now we have a history together: We may even have parented children together.

We cannot walk off from a spouse as easily as we can sell bad stock. Yet divorce as a solution to marital problems has proliferated. Divorce now is so widespread that sociologists have been able to complete extensive long-term studies on the effect of divorce upon the couple and their children.

Judith S Wallerstein, director of the largest divorce recovery center in the country has done extensive research following divorced couples for fifteen years after the divorce with regular interviews and inventories, seeking to determine the effects of divorce. Her findings are radically different from what she supposed. Wallerstein entered her research with the commonly held idea that divorce is a painful but short-term experience that leads to greater long-term happiness; she theorized that divorce indeed provided a second chance for one who had made a poor marital choice. Her research led her to a far different conclusion.

According to Dr Wallerstein, the couple and their children never outlive the scars of divorce. Her findings are chronicled in the classic study Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce.

Couples have various goals, Wallerstein concluded, but they are rarely realized, for divorce greatly complicates things:

“Whatever the reasons behind the decision, most people ending a marriage hope to improve the quality of life for themselves and for their children. They hope to find a new love, a more enriching relationship, a more responsive sexual partner, a more supportive companion, and a better provider. Failing that, they hope to establish a single life that will provide greater opportunity for self respect, contentment and serenity, or at the least, less turbulence, intrusiveness, and hurt.

“People want to believe that divorce will relieve all their stresses —back we go to square one and begin our lives anew. But divorce does not wipe the slate clean… Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and more complicated than expect.”

Here are some of the revealing statistics of Wallerstein’s fifteen-year study, and the researcher’s response to the findings:

“Incredibly, one-half of the women and one third of the men are still intensely angry at their former spouses, despite the passages of years… To our astonishment, divorce continues to occupy a central, emotional position in the lives of many adults, 10 and 15 years later… A third of the women and a quarter of the men feel that life is unfair, disappointing and lonely.

“I knew that divorce is not an event that can be gotten over if one simply waits long enough, but even I was surprised at the staying power of feelings after divorce… There is no evidence that time automatically diminishes feelings or memories, that hurt and depression are overcome, or that jealousy, anger, and outrage will vanish… People go on living, but just because they have lived 10 more years does not mean they have recovered from the hurt.”

And what of the children of divorce? When parents divorce, children lose something that is fundamental to their development-the family structure. Typically, children feel intensely rejected when their parents divorce. Wallerstein agreed, noting, “Children get angry at their parents for violating the unwritten rules of parenthood-parents are supposed to make sacrifices for children, not the other way around. Some keep their anger hidden for years out of fear of upsetting parents or for fear of retribution and punishment, others show it.”

She concludes: “Children do not perceive divorce as a second chance, and this is part of their suffering. They feel that their childhood has been lost forever… Although children need parents and parents want to continue good relationships with their children, parent-child relationships are forever altered by divorce.”

Because we are creatures of memory and relationships, we carry the pain of broken relationships for a lifetime. Children whose parents have divorced put themselves in a different category, referring to themselves as “children of divorce.” They recognize that the parents’ divorce has made its mark on them emotionally. Many fear for their own future marital happiness and, in fact, the divorce rate for children of divorce is higher than those whose parents remain together.

Only a small percentage of divorced individuals claim to have found greater happiness in a second or third marriage. In fact, whereas the divorce rate in first marriages is 40%, the divorce rate in second marriages is 60% and in third marriages, 75%. Thus, the prospects of finding a healthier marriage diminish with each remarriage. The hope of the grass being greener on the other side is just a myth.

Divorce, unlike death, does not end the partners’ contact with each other. Most end up living in the same city, particularly if children are involved. Each parent wants to continue a relationship with the children; thus, they find themselves having regular contact with each other whether they want it or not. The nature of these contacts often keep the wounds of a broken relationship oozing with infection for years.

Financially caring for the children is an obligation that cannot be discarded by a caring parent. Differences of opinion on handling the financial needs of the children often becomes a constant source of irritation between ex-spouses. Then there are the piano recitals, the ball games, the graduations, are the weddings —all of which are filled with tension as two parents seek to be there for their children while not being there for each other. Many of life’s joyous occasions are dampened by the attitudes of two ex-spouses who have different opinions about how the celebration should be conducted.

Nor is divorce a pretty picture financially. The Wallerstein study found that 73% of divorced women experience a decline in standard of living after divorce. Evelyn was sitting in my office two years after her divorce from Bill. “Our marriage was bad,” she said, “but our divorce is even worse. I still have all the responsibilities I had when we were married, but now I have less time and less money. When we married, I worked part time to help out with the bills. Now I have to work full time, which gives me less time with the girls. When I am at home, I seem to be more irritable. I find myself snapping at the girls when they don’t respond immediately to my request.

“I hate being the kind of mother I am, and I get no support from Bill. When he does take the girls, which is about every third weekend, he makes it a party time for them —no chores, no work, no responsibilities, just fun with Dad. They come home resenting me for expecting them to do anything. Sometimes I wish that he’d just get out of our lives, but I know that the girls need to have a relationship with their father. It doesn’t seem to get any easier, and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.” Thousands of divorced moms can identify with Evelyn. Divorce doesn’t treat them fairly. The stresses of meeting the physical and emotional needs of their children at times seem overwhelming.

Not all who undergo divorce experience such hardship yet, all find the adjustments painful, even when divorce is followed by remarriage. Wayne was all smiles when he said to me, “I finally met the love of my life. We are going to get married in June. I’ve never been happier. She has two children, and I adore them.

When I was going through my divorce, I never dreamed that I would be happy again. I believe now that I’m about to get my life back on track.” Wayne had been divorced three years at the time of our conversation. However, six months after his marriage to Beverly, he was back in my office complaining about his inability to get along with Beverly and her children.

“It’s like I’m outsider,” he said. “She always puts the children before me. And when I seek to discipline the children, she takes their side and disagrees with me. I can’t spend a dime without her approval. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. How did I set myself get into this mess?” Wayne is experiencing the common struggles of establishing a “blended family.”

There are no “and they all lived happily ever after” divorces. The effects of divorce linger for a lifetime. This is not to say that there is no life after divorce. It is to say that life after divorce is always impacted by life before the divorce. Because the marriage relationship is unique among human relationships and involves deep emotional ties on the part of the husband and wife (at least at some juncture in the relationship, because they have shared their lives with each other for a period of time), there’s no “walking away without pain.” The good and bad memories of the past will be ours forever, and whatever contact we may have with each other in the future, the reality of our problems will still exist.

Through the years I have counseled enough divorced persons to know that while divorce removes some pressures, it creates a host of others. I am not naïve enough to suggest that divorce can be eliminated from the human landscape. I am saying that divorce should be the last possible alternative. It should be preceded by every effort at reconciling differences, dealing with issues, and solving problems. Far too many couples in our society have opted for divorce too soon at too great a price. I believe that many divorced couples could have reconciled if they had sought and found proper help.

In each chapter Gary identifies first of all the nature of the specific problem and draw from social and psychological research where available. He gives practical suggestions and positive steps on how to move your marriage from where it is to where you want it to be.

After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.

I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.

Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.

You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.

I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.

Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.

I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.

If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.

The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication.

Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.

Dr. David:
My wife and I have recently separated after several years of difficulties. I did not want the separation, but she insisted on needing time to find herself. Now that we are separated, I have begun attending a Christian Singles program in another church and she is angry. She accuses me of looking for women, which is not true. What should I do? I still want to save our marriage, but since she was the one who wanted the separation, and wants little to do with me, I want to explore new possibilities in a safe environment. -Brian

Dear Brian:

Your situation sounds very complex, and there are many things to consider. Your wife is struggling emotionally, and is asking for time to “find herself.” This usually means that she has spent years caring for her home, children, family and perhaps career, and in the process has lost touch with herself. She needs time to reflect on her situation.

What she does not need to worry about is you and what you might be doing to threaten her. While you may have the best of intentions, there is nothing safe about your environment. I’ll explain.

You are vulnerable right now, given your recent rejection and hurt feelings both of which are reasonable when there is a significant loss. You didn’t want the separation, and undoubtedly are still licking your wounds.

But friendship of any kind with the opposite sex, especially with single women, can only spell disaster. Not only does it preclude you from the opportunity of reconciling with your spouse by creating more angry feelings, but you stand a great chance of falling into a “rebound relationship.” These are rarely satisfying and only cloud the emotional picture.

Suggestion: Backup. Regroup. Make no rash decisions. Follow Solomon’s advice when he says “In good times rejoice, but in bad times, consider.” (Ecclesiastes 7:14) Spend time alone, with safe Christian male friends, and consider what has happened to bring your marriage to where it is today.

Consider your part in the difficulties, and what you might do differently. Consider what can be done to stabilize your marriage, asking your spouse what she needs and, if reasonable, give it to her. This is a stormy time and you will do well to gather loving, but impartial, friends and family about you.

While things may appear uncertain, I have seen many marriages restored after a brief “therapeutic” separation— a time when both parties refrain from other romantic relationships, obtain Christian counsel, and then begin talking non-defensively about their problems. Don’t count out the possibility that this could happen to you. God Bless.

Do you have a question for Dr. David? Contact him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

The above article is featured on the web site: Crosswalk.com at www.crosswalk.com. The Editor’s note on this feature says: Crosswalk welcomes our newest contributor, Dr. David Hawkins, The Relationship Doctor. David Hawkins, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, family counselor and author who wants to connect with you to answer your relationship questions and concerns. To receive trusted, Biblically sound advice from Crosswalk’s relationship expert, write him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

David Hawkins, Pd.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books. Dr. Hawkins has active practices in two Washington cities.

The Healing Separation, like the old-style “trial separation,” which involves living apart for a while, with the decision as to whether or not to end the relationship put off until some future time. Unlike unplanned and unstructured separations, however, the Healing Separation is a working separation, in which you and your partner dedicate yourselves to investing in your own personal growth. If you can create a better relationship with yourself, that can allow different and healthier relationships with others.

Sometimes your work during a Healing Separation may be on “the old relationship,” and sometimes it may be on “the old you.” The Healing Separation is a creative way to strengthen both partners and build a new relationship without dissolving the partnership.

Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:

1. To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

2. To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

3. To help me explore my basic relationship needs, and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

4. To experience the social, sexual, economic, and parental stresses which can occur when I have separated from my partner.

5. To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

6. To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partner’s issues in our relationship.

7. To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

Some structure and awareness can help improve the chances of success of the healing separation. Unplanned and unstructured separations will most likely contribute to the ending of the relationship. This healing separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines to help make the separation a more constructive and creative experience, and to greatly enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.

Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement:

1. Length of separation (Most couples have a sense of how long a separation they’ll need or want. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.)

2. Time to Be Spent Together (A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis creating a new relationship.)

3. Personal Growth Experiences (Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful.)

4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship (Ideally a joint decision and compromise should be made concerning social involvement, and romantic relationships outside of this relationship.)

5. Living Arrangements (Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties continuing to live in the family home, results in a less creative experience. It seems to dilute the separation experience and keeps both parties from experiencing as much personal growth as is possible with separate living arrangements. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.)

6. Financial Decisions (Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship. If there’s any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.)

7. Motor Vehicles (It’s been suggested that ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the love relationship.)

8. Children (It’s important when a couple does a Healing Separation to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.)

The above article contains excerpts from Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D. This very positive and optimistic relationship-healing concept was developed by the late marriage and family therapist, Bruce Fisher, Ed.D. of Boulder, Colorado. A complete description of the Healing Separation, along with a format for a couple’s agreement, appears as an appendix in the 1992 and 2000 editions of Bruce’s book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.

The original copy of this was sent to us from: Smartmarriages® www.smartmarriages.com Subject: Time/Healing Separation/Way We Love/Village – 9/16/03

To most people, that would be a pretty clear sign they were headed for divorce. But that wasn’t the idea here. They sat down with Meg Haycraft, a couple’s counselor in Chicago, and negotiated detailed terms for something called a “controlled separation.”

The time limit this couple decided upon: Five weeks, ending April 4.

The living arrangements this couple decided upon: He stays, she moves out to a girlfriend’s apartment.

The agreement they made to handle finances: Any purchase over $500 requires consulting each other.

The amount of contact they decided to keep up with each other: Three phone calls a week, unlimited emails, a date with each other every Saturday night.

Sex? That was in the contract too. None planned, but if one feels “affectionate” they have the right to “check that out” with the other.

Separation in the U.S. has become essentially a prelude to divorce. But a new approach that has quietly attracted interest over the past few years aims to do the opposite. Controlled separation is usually negotiated in a therapist’s office, never in a lawyer’s. Its ultimate goal is to save the marriage by putting a concrete limit on the time apart (usually no more than six months)— and negotiating more than a dozen disagreement points into a written contract to eliminate the uncertainty, insecurity and second-guessing that can become toxic in a troubled relationship.

The movement is gaining support. A small but growing number of therapists across the country are trying to incorporate controlled separation into their practices. Religious groups both here and abroad are using it, including the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. And the U.S. military has expressed interest in folding it into its programs to help combat the high divorce rate among service men and women.

Controlled separation can be seen as a sort of “time out” to, at least temporarily, halt the move toward divorce. Both husband and wife pledge not to seek legal counsel or file for divorce during the separation. And they agree not to speak about their troubles to others to avoid hurtful gossip. Twelve other areas, from pets, to child care, to sex, are also laid out.

In some areas, like personal contact, the contract is so detailed that it not only specifies that the couple will go on “dates” with each other but it gives the day of the week and who will initiate them.

“I guess I felt safe knowing nothing more major was going to happen,” says Leah Klug, who entered into a six-month controlled separation agreement with her husband a few years ago. The two have since moved back together and bought a new home with their two children. Her husband, Nathaniel, agrees. “It helped remove the emotion,” he says. “It actually made you think about what you were doing.”

In most separations, there are few rules. Legal separations, negotiated by lawyers, generally cover only finances and children. So-called trial separations, in which one spouse simply moves out with no guidance, are generally emotional and unpredictable since no one is ever sure what the other person is up to.

A marriage and family therapist in Wisconsin, Lee Raffel, developed the idea of controlled separation in the late 1990s out of “sheer frustration,” after some three decades of counseling couples.

“I could see that when couples separated, they were having a terrible time,” she says. “They didn’t know if they wanted to stay or go. They only knew they were unhappy. They didn’t know how to solve their problems and they did a lot of nasty things to each other.”

She outlined the concept in a book called “Should I Stay or Go?” Since it was published in 1998, the idea has slowly caught on largely by word of mouth, often by people who read the book and contacted couples counselors to try to implement it.

Rea Wynder, a court-certified family mediator in Virginia, is trying to incorporate controlled separation into her divorce mediation work for couples she thinks might benefit from it. She also would like to change the term to “marriage pact” to put a more positive spin on it.

“I think it’s a huge step in the right direction to have people agreeing on any set of common rules or common undertakings or promises for exactly how separate they are,” says John Crouch, a divorce lawyer in Arlington, Va.

It doesn’t always work, though. Elsie Radtke, associate director for the family ministries office at the Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago, says that more than half of the couples she counsels through controlled separation end up divorcing. But she feels that the process benefits those couples too. The split, she says, is often far less bitter as a result of the controlled separation.

“People ask what guarantee can you give me that we won’t get a divorce,” says Ms. Haycraft. “I say, ‘none,’ but you’ve slowed down the process.”

The above article has been edited to make it better understandable to our readers who find American wording difficult to understand. The original context however, remains in tact. It came from the newspaper article: A Time Out for Troubled Marriages: Therapists Push ‘Controlled Separation’ – By Hilary Stout, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, July 7, 2005.

Marriage Missions Editors Note: We pray that those who are considering separation will view this step as a last resort. What we’ve found is that those who separate often never get back together after taking such a big first step to leave the home. It could be the first step towards the death of your marriage. If, on the other hand, separation is used as a tool with the mind-set that this time apart is necessary to give each other the space that’s needed to help each other calm down, it can be useful because it “slows down the process” leading to divorce, as stated above. The next important step is to start working together in a calmer frame of mind, with the goal to eventually reconcile back together again.

But above all the recommendations made above, please make this a very prayerful time, asking the Holy Spirit to be your counselor in how to work with each other to reconcile the marriage back together again. And if at all possible find a good Bible-believing counselor to help you with this process. They’re trained to help you to come to a better understanding of each other and may be necessary to help you rebuild your home upon a solid biblical and emotional foundation.

Another recommendation would be to be careful of the friends and relatives you surround yourself with during this time. Some people will have their own ideas about whether you should reconcile. Many times they have their own agenda or partiality as to whether you should remain married.

If this is the case and they aren’t a positive influence on helping you (or at least not hurting you) work towards reconciling with your spouse in a way which is safe and biblically sound, please avoid being with them. This is a critical time for you to surround yourself with those who will help your marriage, not hurt it.

She asked what I thought about her taking some time away from the marriage with the goal of reconciliation. I said that separation is always potentially dangerous. When you’re in an uncomfortable situation, and you decide to take a break from it for awhile, you think, Why do I ever want to go back into that again when I’m doing okay out here?

If there’s going to be a separation, I always recommend it to be done under good counsel with structure and rules involved. For example, while we’re separated:

• We agree there’s not going to be any outside dating.

• We’re going to separate for the purpose of really working on the relationship

• And we’ll hold ourselves accountable to a process so we don’t get sidetracked with our new feelings.

The goal for the separation should always be to reconcile or restore the relationship. People sometimes think, If I could just dump this guy (or girl) and get with someone else, I’d be happier. It happens a lot. When needs aren’t being met, the tendency may be to just move on instead of really trying to address the issues in a healthy way.

But these same people often find that running away doesn’t solve problems. Unless issues are aired and dealt with, you’ll probably experience the same type of unsatisfying relationship again and again. Changing partners is not the answer.

Of course, it’s a different matter if there’s obvious physical danger or serious emotional danger for yourself or your children. Then, separation is for survival.

The above article comes from the book, Starved for Affection by Dr Randy Carlson, published by Tyndale House Publishers, www.tyndale.com. In this book you’ll find practical help and encouragement to strengthen your connection with your mate in all aspects of your relationship. And in doing so you’ll find the table spread with a banquet of blessings that God as prepared just for you.

Dr Carlson is a licensed marriage and family therapist and is the CEO of Family Life Communications. He hosts OnCall —with Dr. Randy Carlson. To receive Dr Carlson’s free Marriage E-mentoring or latest teaching materials go to www.theintentionallife.com.

Separation is not death, although it is most certainly the “valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). It is so near death that you may feel the same grief and pain experienced by those who release a loved one to death. But the shadow of death is not to be equated with death itself.

Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage. On the other hand, separation may be the beginning of the end. The fruit of your separation will be determined by what you and your spouse say and so in the next few weeks and months.

In a very real sense, separation calls for intensive care, much like that given to one in grave physical danger. The condition of your marriage is “critical.” Things can go either way at any moment. Proper medication is essential. Surgery may be required. That will call for the services of a counselor or pastor. What you do in the next few weeks will determine the quality of your life for years to come. Be assured, God is concerned about the outcome. You can count on Him for supernatural help.

Separation is not the time to capitulate. The battle for marital unity is not over until the death certificate is signed. The dream and hopes you shared when you got married are still worth fighting for. You married each other because you were in love (or thought you were at the time). You dreamed of the perfect marriage in which each made the other supremely happy. What happened to that dream? What went wrong? What can you do to correct it?

The dream can live again. But not without work—work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline, and change—work that can result in the joy of a dream come true.

I know some of you are saying, “It sounds good, but it won’t work. We’ve tried before. Besides, I don’t think my spouse will even try again.”

Perhaps you are right, but don’t assume that the hostile attitude of your spouse will remain forever. One of the gifts of God to all men and women is the gift of choice. We can change, and that change can be for the better. Your spouse may be saying, “I’m through. It is finished. I don’t want to talk about it!” Two weeks or two months from now, however, your mate may be willing to talk. Much depends on what you do in the meantime, and much depends on his or her response to the Spirit of God.

Others of you are saying, “I’m not sure that I want to work on this marriage. I’ve tried. I’ve given and given. It won’t work, and I may as well get out now!” I am deeply sympathetic with those feelings. I know that when we’ve tried again and again without success, we may lose our desire to try once more. We see no hope, so we conclude that we have no alternative but to give up.

Our emotions no longer encourage us to work on the marriage. That is why I never ask people, “Do you want to work on your marriage? I always ask, “Will you work on your marriage?” At the point of separation, we have lost much of our “want to.” We must now rely upon our will and not our emotions. We must remember our values, our commitments, our dreams, and we must choose to do what must be done to be true to them.

Where shall we go for help? For those who are Christians there is one stable source to which we turn when we need guidance —that source to which we turn when we need guidance. That source is the Bible. Non-Christians may or may not turn to the Bible, but the Christian is drawn by the Spirit of God to the Scriptures. In the Bible we find not only what we ought to do but also the encouragement to do it.

Even the non-Christian who sincerely seeks help in the Bible can find meaning in Paul’s statement, “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). When we come to Christ, we find the outside help we need to do what our own resources are inadequate to accomplish.

Sometimes separation brings a sense of emotional peace to the individual. That peace is mistakenly interpreted as an indication that separation and divorce must be right. One husband said, “This is the first week of peace I’ve had in years.” Such peace is the result of removing yourself from the scene of battle. Naturally you have peace; you have left the conflict! Retreat, however, is never the road to victory. You must come from that retreat with renewed determination to defeat the enemy of your marriage.

Separation removes you from some of the constant pressure of conflict. It allows time for you to examine biblical principles for building a meaningful marriage. It permits self-examination in which emotions can be separated from behavior. It may stimulate a depth of openness in your communication that was not present before. In short, it places you in an arena where you can develop a new understanding of yourself and your spouse. Separation is not necessarily the beginning of the end. It may be only the beginning.

The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers www.moodypublishers.com. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication. Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.

— ALSO —

The following are links to additional web site articles that could give you further insights. Please click onto the links below to read:

•  QUESTION OF THE WEEK: When is separating from your spouse acceptable?

• SEPARATED BUT HEALING

• TO SEPARATE OR NOT TO SEPARATE

Deuteronomy 24:1-4:

If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the LORD. Do not bring sin upon the land the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance.

Malachi 2:13-16:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accept them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.

So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself [or his wife] with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty.

Matthew 5:31-32:

[Jesus said] It has been said, “Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.” But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:3-9:

Some Pharisees came to him [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Mark 10:2-12:

Some Pharisees came and tested him [Jesus] by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Luke 16:18:

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Romans 7:2-3:

By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress, even though she marries another man.

1 Corinthians 7:10-11:

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:12-14:

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

1 Corinthians 7:15-16:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

1 Corinthians 7:27a:

Are you married? Do not seek a divorce.