• “We’re so in love, so why should we wait?”

• “We’re getting married anyway, so why should we wait to make love to each other?”

• “What do I do if it’s too late? What if I’ve already forfeited my sexual purity?”

• “Are there scriptures from the Bible, God’s Word, that give reasons why we should NOT have sex before marriage?”

To address these questions (and others as well)— giving you some answers you may find helpful, we’ve posted several web site links to articles related to these issues. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

•  WHY SHOULD I SAVE SEX FOR MARRIAGE?

 •  SEX DURING ENGAGEMENT? (Includes helpful scriptures)

• INCREDIBLE GIFT: Handle with Care

Sex is enthralling —make no mistake about it. Yet it also distorts these relationships outside of one’s own marriage, detracting from what God would have them to be. It stunts spiritual growth, alienates the sexual partners from God, and erects a barrier to true intimacy in the future.

“It’s possible to love deeply and not fall into bed —and I know it from experience,” writes Leigh McLeroy in Moments for Singles:

“First, …Sexuality is a God-given and beautifully wrapped ‘present’ that can be opened for the first time only once. I prefer to savor this gift at the right time, under the right circumstances, because I believe what its Giver has said about its worth. Second, I’m absolutely certain I am loved. If there were a serious love deficit in my life, the temptation to fill it with sex would almost certainly feel overwhelming.

“But the relationship that I have with Christ can fill my deepest longings for love and intimacy if I will allow it to and as much as I will allow it to. My choice to reserve sex for its intended home of marriage has much more to do with love and desire than it does with obedience and dread.”

If you’ve failed here, remember that God provides a way of spiritual reconciliation. Confess your sin to Him and receive the forgiveness He promises. Change your thinking by filling your mind with Scripture. Make a new start. In Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity, Lauren Winner writes, “One who, like me, had sex before marriage can rightfully mourn and grieve the loss of virginity.” But she says, “The critical question for Christians is what are doing now? Not have you sinned in the past, but if you sinned in the past, how are you dealing with it? How has Christ’s blood redeemed you, and how are you obeying now?”

The dating believer who wants to remain pure must go out only with other believers who are committed to maintaining the biblical standards that limit physical expressions of intimacy. Although lust expressed may be pleasurable, it is momentary and it falls well short of the full experience of marital sex because it also denies committed relationship. Jesus condemned lust because it cheapened sex, making it less than God created it to be. One non-Christian man who actively engages in multiple sexual encounters wrote, “I am wondering —will sex be better when I am actually in love?”

Next, find someone or a group outside of the relationship to whom you can be accountable. One of my (Sandi’s) single friends wrote this to me:

“We broke our rule about doing nothing intense while lying down. Except for the fact that we broke our own rule, we didn’t do anything morally wrong, so don’t worry. We are very aware that it will be easier next time to want to bend the rules again. That was Saturday night, on our date —which was a picnic in the woods, with a fire and everything. So you could probably call that a compromising situation as well. Boy, I’m not doing too well here, am I?”

Just knowing she would have to later give account for her actions helped to keep this young woman from “going further.”

“Long distance relationships help,” Tara, single woman, said laughing. She went on to add more seriously,

“I think integrity and respect for the other person as a creation of God are strong incentives against violating him or her. You have to learn to focus on the other person’s good, and not personal selfishness, or what feels good for you. Also, you have to keep the long-term goal in view. Women need to realize that they do things that cause guys to want more, and that guys do things to cause women to want more. Both have to take responsibility in restraining the physical relationship.”

John, who is currently engaged, said, “We set some rules: Nothing below the neck, under a blanket, or lying down. It’s just too hard otherwise.” Another single suggested, “We never get into the car together unless we’ve decided ahead of time where we’re going. That helps us avoid the temptation to cruise around and end up at the lake in the back seat. We know that if we demonstrate selfless love in our physical relationship before marriage, we’re more likely to demonstrate that same kind of love to each other after we are married.”

We know of Christian parents who believe their sons will have sex before marriage but not their daughters, because “guys do.” This is wrong! Both men and women are fully responsible for their own actions; both must take responsibility for “slowing down.”

One single woman shared, “It’s sometimes beneficial to know and communicate when the other person is hitting hot buttons and to stop at that point, instead of going to the ‘point of no return.’” She laughed and went on, “I like the ‘beep, beep, beep’ warning approach myself. It lets the other person know that he is going in the wrong direction, yet does it in an amusing way.” She continued, “It’s easy for us women to think we owe for the dates and food and the stuff they buy us. A lot of women don’t think enough of themselves to say, ‘I should be pursued for me alone and not what I can give with my body. I’m worth getting to know, period.’ I’ve had trouble with this.”

Another suggestion is to keep the engagement period short. By the time a couple reaches engagement, they are entering levels of intimacy that should not be sustained for long without expression in sexual intercourse. As Paul advised, “It is better to marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:9).

Today, wise people follow God’s directives to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage and relinquish bodily rights within marriage.

The above article came from the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, written by William Cutrer, MD and Sandra Glahn, published by Kregel Publications. This is a book that will help you to “understand why marriage is the only context in which authentic sexual intimacy is possible. In addition, you will discover a practical approach to many of the sexual problems and challenges that confront married couples.” “This easy-to-read book has blended the glory of sex with the realities of life. It addresses real people in a real world without compromising God’s wonderful design and purpose for His gift of sex.” It “holds in highest esteem the institution of marriage, and the sexual relationship is given its proper place within the context of marriage. Review or Buy This Book Now“

In this article, we’d like to provide for you a few thoughts on this subject. And then provide a link to another article which you can read in its entirety on this subject.

In a question/answer column written in a past magazine issue of Today’s Christian Woman (May/June 2006), Dr Leslie Parrot responds to a young woman who was struggling with the concept of “true love waits” because she believes she’s found the man she wants to marry. Here’s the reply Dr Parrot gives:

“I recently counseled a couple—they were sincere churchgoers in their early thirties and had been dating for several months at the time. They both entered the relationship wanting to wait until marriage to have sex. But in the heat of passion, just two months into their relationship, they had intercourse. ‘We felt guilty at first,’ she confided, ‘but over the last three months we were sexually active, we felt more in love with each other than ever.’

“Yet despite feeling ‘more in love,’ this couple eventually fell apart. That’s because their relationship wasn’t strong enough to handle the weight of expectations and needs associated with sex.

“I know you’re thrilled to have found ‘Mr. Right,’ but let me caution you—sex changes everything. Sexual intercourse draws us into the profound mystery of a ‘one-flesh’ reality. It’s meant to bond us in a deep and wonderful way. But there’s a hitch. Sex outside the lifelong covenant of permanence and fidelity sets up expectations and creates needs that almost always dismantle the relationship.

“As missionary and author Walter Trobisch said, ‘Sex is not a test of love, for it is precisely the very thing one wants to test that is destroyed by the testing.’ I know it’s tempting to believe love sanctifies sex, but it’s just not true. The problem with using sex as a means to increased intimacy before marriage is that it soon becomes a substitute for emotional intimacy. Couples who put their sexuality on fast forward short-circuit the normal progression of linking hearts and souls.

“Research shows the emotional bonding required for lasting love is most likely to move slowly and systematically through stages. For a relationship to achieve its full potential, it requires emotional vulnerability and countless private memories. Having sex too soon keeps those things from developing. It creates an illusion of intimacy that fades with the fires of passion.

“‘There is so much use of the body as a substitute for psychological intimacy,’ says psychologist Rollo May. ‘It’s much easier to jump in bed with someone than it is to share your fears and anxieties.’ Don’t delude yourself into thinking that sex brings you closer together in any lasting or meaningful way. It doesn’t. So don’t lose your resolve to hold out for sex until you’re married.”

No matter how much sense something may seem to make to us, if it goes against God’s principles, we will pay a high price for disobedience. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12) The type of death in this situation could be the death of a relationship or the death of a dream and values that are important.

On this same subject we will provide a link to the Australian web site Marriage.com.au, so you can read another related article they have posted, which might further explain this point. Please click onto the link below:

• LIVING TOGETHER: Why Would Something Sensible Be Damaging?

Three other articles that you may benefit from reading from other web sites are:

• COHABITATION Is Bad for Men, Worse for Women and Horrible for Children
• SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER?
• LIVING TOGETHER IS A STATISTICAL RISK
  

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”

And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else and even playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? And how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?

When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.

As Brian and Heather Jamison said,

“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”

To learn further what Brian and Heather learned that helped them to deal with this issue and to read about the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” that the Jamison’s pass along to help others dealing with this situation, click onto the web site link provided below:

• HAUNTED BY PREMARITAL SEX

Answer: Thanks so much for emailing us. You pose some great questions and thoughts.

Well, you didn’t miss the “do’s” and “don’ts” guidelines on the website. Actually, they’re conspicuously missing because they don’t exist. Well, I guess they do exist, but maybe not in the form most of us think. I searched for 13 years to find the comprehensive list of guidelines for how to remain sexually pure and concluded my search in frustration and shame. I made up numerous rules along the way to try and keep myself from acting out, but all proved to be in vain. I tried, and tried, and tried, but failed every time. Why? I was focused on changing behaviors rather than having God change my heart.

This may seem like oversimplifying, but it really isn’t. We have hundreds of men contact our ministry who want to know specifically what to do to walk in sexual purity. They say, “Give me the rules so I can be a man of purity.” The problem is that we have had the “rules” for thousands of years. The Old Testament law is the rules. But we have proven over and over again that we cannot keep the law.

That’s why Jesus Christ paid the penalty we owed in order to gain the freedom we needed. Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Christ did not pay the ultimate price so we could wander back into slavery to the law. He fulfilled the law so we could benefit from the life He now gives us.

Living a lifestyle of purity every day is more about our faithfulness to submit our will and emotions to God than it is about striving to behave “just right.” Focusing on behavior requires that we focus on ourselves. Focusing on submission to God requires focus on our Savior. Do you see the difference?

I know how frustrating it can be to ask for a specific answer and get the reply I am sending. But that’s how I believe God works in our lives. He wants us to dig deeper than external actions and focus where life occurs—in our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). “For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Luke 6:45b)

Our actions will fall in line with the direction of our hearts 100% of the time. It is a principle of life. So, to be pure in action requires we become pure in heart. And to be pure in heart means we must develop intimacy with our Creator.

I hope this makes sense and is an encouragement to you. I realize it may seem vague and hard to grasp, but it works. God radically changed my life when I shifted my focus from all that I was doing wrong to gazing intently at Him. I’m convinced that the primary “task” of being a man of purity is constantly checking to see if my heart is focused on God. If my heart is in line with truth, then my actions will be also.

One final encouragement—don’t try this alone. God makes it clear that He wants us to grow in our faith in fellowship. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)

Build a network of support with some other guys who can sharpen you and keep you focused on where God is leading. The friendships you develop will be worth it.

This article came from an e-mail they send out periodically to those who subscribe to this service. This section of their newsletter is designed to give one “sample” of a person who contacted their ministry seeking answers—and their response to them. (Names, if used, have been altered to protect the identity of these courageous individuals.)

This ministry is dedicated to helping hurting people find the grace of God to heal the wounds inflicted by pornography and sexual sin—not only to heal, but to allow God’s grace to empower sexual strugglers to walk in purity day by day. Their site is designed to assist you in finding help, resources, and education on sexual purity. Whether you battle a sexual addiction or struggle lightly, you should benefit from the resources there. If you have any questions you can contact them athelp@bebroken.com.

The question was posed to us at Marriage Missions:

Should two single people stay together in the same house before they get married — even if it is just a day here and a day there — and even if it’s claimed that it is due to logistical/geographical or traveling reasons? What if it’s claimed that they’re not having sexual relations together and the man is sleeping on the floor and the lady is sleeping on the bed?

MY ANSWER:

I wish we could say that it would be just fine for this couple to stay in the same house alone together before they marry because I’m sure it would be much more convenient that way. The problem isn’t just in the fact that they’re staying in the same house together when they’re single, because they could be very innocent in their motives and their actions.

Before I was a Christian, I was in that kind of situation several times and I still stayed pure — so I know it is possible.

The problem is, that they are putting themselves into a situation which gives the enemy of our faith a foothold to tempt them. The spiritual enemy of darkness is very clever and wants to rob them of being pure for their wedding night and will stop at nothing to convince them that they can give in to their temptation and they’ll be just fine. (A good example of this is Adam and Eve.)

And this is true even if one or the other of them has had sexual relations before this. When you know something to be sin, you are to stop immediately and not do it again.

The enemy of our faith wants to steal from us and God any type of spiritual victory that’s possible. For this reason the temptations are very tuned in to the person who is being tempted, so there’s more of a possibility of making the fall into sin. God’s enemies know each one of us personally and have studied what has the best chance of bringing us down for the purpose of displeasing God and hurting His heart.

The Bible says to flee temptation so this couple needs to know that if they put themselves into a place where they are alone with their temptation, they are vulnerable and aren’t obeying God’s warnings.

Also, the Bible tells us to stay away from even the “appearance of evil.” If this couple stays together like this — even if they are innocent, they will give fuel to someone who can accuse them of doing more than they are. Many people would never believe that a couple could stay together in circumstances like this and not fall into sin so the lies could take root in someone else’s mind (even if this couple is innocent). This will hurt their testimony and the testimony of Christ. And because we aren’t supposed to be a stumbling block to someone who is weaker in their faith, this could put them into that kind of situation.

If this couple asks a friend or relative to stay in the home when they are there together, then this could work — as long as the person is someone who is trust-worthy and who won’t lie about the situation at some later date. Or maybe one or the other could stay with a friend or relative in the area during these times. They’re bound to know someone who could make this possible.

The main thing is… you want to keep the relationship in the best light possible until it is time for them to marry. I’ve never heard of a person who takes the higher road by protecting how things are, and how they appear to be, to regret it later. But I’ve heard of many who give in, only to deeply regret it later.

We pray this answer will help in some way. We really admire the integrity of any couple who chooses stay pure. Doing things God’s way is commendable — not enough people consider God’s feelings in all of this. Congratulate this couple for us. We’re proud of them.

You may also want to look further in our web site in the “Sexual Issues” section at the document titled, “THOUGHTS on PREMARITAL SEX.”

— ALSO —

What about vacationing together before marriage? To read a great article posted on Crosswalk.com on this subject, please click onto:

• HE SAID – SHE SAID: UNMARRIED AND VACATIONING TOGETHER

“You may believe that living together is a good way to find out if you are compatible — a sort of ‘test drive’ that will improve your chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense intuitively, actually the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who don’t. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within two years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.

“The best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to abstain from sex, date for at least one year before engagement and participate in a structured, premarital counseling program, which includes psychological testing.” (Bill Maier, Ph.D.)

There are a lot of reasons for not living together before marriage and those discussed above are just a few of them. Another reason is:

“THE MARRIAGE MYTH: Couples who live together before marriage, and are able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples that don’t. Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up.

“One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. In addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest, ‘There may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills.’” (Smartmarriages® Subject: TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE- Popenoe /Piece of Paper schedule – 2/13/02)

And then, even more importantly, there are spiritual reasons for not living together. As followers of Christ we are to do things God’s way:

“We are to give our body to our spouse only within the context of a permanent marriage commitment. (See Genesis 2:24.) Anything less than this dishonors the high purpose that God intends for our sexuality. Premarital sex is, therefore, self-centered —it seeks immediate physical pleasure at the expense of God’s design for us and for our partner. It should be fairly obvious as well that those who practice premarital sex on an ongoing basis are also deliberately reserving the right to exit the relationship easily, should they decide to. In other words, when someone calls on you for premarital sex, he is really saying, ‘I want to use your body to satisfy my sexual appetite, but I want to remain free to reject you afterward.’” (Dennis McCallum and Gary DeLashmutt, The Myth of Romance)

To add onto that:

“We have to understand that in God’s sight, when a man and woman marry and join their bodies together sexually, something spiritual occurs—they really do become “one.” When a husband and wife make love, it is a living picture of the spiritual reality of marriage—two people melded into one. But this physical joining is only one part of the union. Marriage is the combining of a man and woman at every level—not just sexually but emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way.

“In God’s plan, sexual union was never meant to be separated from this total union. C. S. Lewis compares having sex outside of marriage to a person who enjoys the sensation of chewing and tasting food, but doesn’t want to swallow the food and digest it. This is a perversion of God’s intent. Food was meant to be chewed and also swallowed. In a similar way, the sex act was meant to be part of the whole-life union of marriage. When we attempt to experience sex apart from this union, we’re disrespecting and dishonoring marriage.” (Joshua Harris, Sex is Not the Problem —Lust is)

Those are just a few of the reasons why it isn’t good to live together before marrying. There are even more reasons.

For you to be able to read some of them, we’re providing some links below to other web sites that provide articles you can read that might help you to further see why living together before marriage isn’t a good idea.

The first article is found on the web site TroubledWith.com. Please click onto the link below to read:

• The Problem with Living Together

—ALSO—

There is an article posted on the web site for AMFM (The Association for Marriage and Family Ministries) that could also give you further insights. Please click onto the link below to read:

• STOP TEST-DRIVING YOUR GIRLFRIEND

—ALSO—

For further information on this subject Dr Willard Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders has a Question and Answer article by the same title as this article: “Living Together Before Marriage.”

He makes some EXCELLENT points in his answers that we encourage you to read (plus other information you could find very useful on his web site).

TO READ THE ARTICLE:

CLICK HERE

When questioned about her husband, she answered that she had no husband. A popular contemporary Bible version renders Jesus’ response as,

That’s nicely put: ‘I have no husband.’ You’ve had five husbands and the man you’re living with now isn’t even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough.” (John 4:17 The Message)

Jesus didn’t avoid the issue. He didn’t excuse it. The woman in John 4 obviously had had a bad experience in marriage (since she’d been married five times) and she was surely experiencing emotional pain because of it. Jesus didn’t scorn her or berate her. He simply addressed the truth of the situation and moved directly to her real need.

To read the rest of this article,
written by Patrick and Dwaina Six,
we will direct you to the web site for
GTO Marriage Ministries.

Click the link below to read the article:

• The Seven Myths of Cohabitation

And then to read another article on this same subject, written by Scott Stanley and Galena Kine, which is featured on the web site for AMFMonline.com, please click onto the link provided below:

• MYTHS OF LIVING TOGETHER

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
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• But what about adults who are more mature, and are responsible?

• How about a Christian couple who are in love with the Lord and each other?

• How about if the sex in done in love and a nice positive setting?

• How about if it is only done occasionally and not abused?

• How about if it was a positive experience for both parties?

These are questions that were asked and posted, along with some answers and additional comments from other contributors on the web site at www.growthtrac.com.

To read what they have posted, we’ll send you right to their web site.

TO DO SO:

CLICK HERE

Also, what does the Bible say about engaging in sex before marriage?

The web site, Got Questions.org can give you insights into that question. To read what they have found, please click onto the link below to read:

• What Does the Bible Say About Sex Before Marriage/Premarital Sex?

Some additional articles that you may find helpful can be found on other web sites. To read what they have posted, please click onto the links provided below:

•  IS IT OK FOR CHRISTIANS TO ENGAGE IN PREMARITAL SEX?

• HOW FAR IS TOO FAR?

• SOME GOOD REASONS TO SAVE SEX FOR MARRIAGE

• PHYSICAL INTIMACY AND THE SINGLE MAN

• GUYS AND SEX

• GIRLS AND SEX

• BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

When you’re done reading the above postings:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
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• or you may want to leave a comment
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