“Spiritual intimacy in marriage is about more than just spending time in God’s word. It’s about learning how to connect with your spouse through your faith.

“Often times, couples say that they “can’t connect with their spouse” because they’re not in the same place spiritually. But, there are small things you can do as a couple to become more like-minded in your spiritual walk. (Focus on the Family article titled “Spiritual Intimacy”)

That’s what we’d like to deal with in this article. How can you connect spiritually in your marriage in a way that is meaningful?

To address this question, we’ve found several web site articles that you may find helpful.

The first is an article where the author realizes that she once had a very vibrant spiritual life and truly thought she and her future husband would share an even better one together. But she discovered just the opposite after they married.

To read more, please click onto the link below to read:

• SPIRITUALLY LACKING

This next article was put together by the ministry of Focus on the Family, which has links to additional articles you can read as well. To see what they have to say on this subject, please click onto the link below to read:

• SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

The following are several additional articles you may find helpful as well:

• SPIRITUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

• FAITH FOR TWO

• MY SPOUSE DOESN’T SHARE MY SPIRITUAL PASSION

• SOULFUL CONNECTION

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

It is important for those of us who are born again Christians, to know that there is a huge difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the condemnation of the enemy of our faith, because it can affect how we approach life.

Please, let there be no confusion. The Holy Spirit works to convict us to push away from the ensnarement of sin (doing that which is wrong) and towards God in freedom. The condemning spirit of the enemy of our faith works to push us away from God in shame and condemnation, so we are more prone in hopelessness, to continue to do what we should NOT.

“There are two feelings we can experience after we’ve sinned. One is conviction and the other is condemnation. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit, prompting us to confess and be restored to fellowship so God can continue to bless us. Its purpose is to draw us closer to God. Condemnation is from Satan, trying to convince us that we’re no good, and that God will never forgive us. It’s purpose is to keep us away from God by making us feel guilty.

“As soon as we confess our sins, we’re forgiven and the sin is forgotten as God immediately purifies us from all unrighteousness (See: 1 John 1:9). Any bad feelings we have after that are feelings of guilt that come from Satan.

“So if you’re being drawn closer to God, you’re feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit. But if you feel like hiding from God and begin to doubt His love for you, you’re feeling condemnation from the devil. Rebuke those feelings in the name of Jesus. Resist the devil and he’ll flee from you” (see: James 4:7-10). (Jack Kelley, of Grace Thru Faith Ministries)

Furthermore:

“There is a simple test to see if you experiencing condemnation by the enemy or gentle conviction by the Holy Spirit. Guilt and/or shame will draw you further away from the Lord deeper into sin. Conviction is the Holy Spirit nudging us to confess and turn from the sin as He provides the power to overcome” (See: Romans 2:4; Romans 8:31-39; Philippians 4:13; Luke 22:31-32). (Robin Samson of Heart of Wisdom.com)

To help you further to discern the difference between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the condemnation of the devil, we are going to share with you additional principles and scriptural references that we believe will empower you in your spiritual life, your personal life, as well as your married life.

Why is this relevant to marriage? It is relevant because the condemning method of the enemy of our faith works to draw us away from the healthy thinking and actions that God wants us to embrace. And when that happens our marriages are in peril of being weakened and destroyed. When we draw towards God, we have the power of the Holy Spirit working within us to do what is good, noble, right and pure.

The following is a short study of what the Bible tells us about the character of God and the character of enemy of our faith. We pray it will inspire you to dig deeper into studying the Bible so you will rightly discern what is Truth both now and in the future.

1. Tone of the enemy of our faith: Accusing, nagging —it’s a mocking voice generating fear and shame causing confusion, projecting a sense of rejection and ministering questions like: “Has God indeed said?” He’s the father of lies (see: John 8:44). He’s deceitful, pretending to know what’s best for you.

• TONE OF VOICE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT: Loving voice of our Father, imploring, beseeching and urging our return to Him …as we’re told in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden…” And in John 11:32 where Jesus says, “…I will draw all men to myself.”

2. The enemy of our faith’s messages are vague and general: He generates a blanketing, choking sense of general guilt, as though everything is wrong and there’s no one action you can really take to overcome. Often a sense of complete hopelessness and weakness prevails. The enemy attacks you in general. You can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. You feel helpless and hopeless focusing on half-truths.

• THE HOLY SPIRIT IS SPECIFIC: The Spirit says, “Fix this one thing and you’ll be free.” He commands you to take one specific action — to make a choice of your will. “And you must not turn aside, for then you would go after futile things which cannot profit or deliver because they’re futile. For the Lord will not abandon His people” (1 Samuel 12:21-22).

  The conviction of the Spirit is specific to the sin. The Spirit defends you against your over-sensitive conscience. He draws you to God.

3. Discouragement is the message of the enemy of our faith: He centers his attack on you as a person and cuts your self-image to ribbons. He pushes to agitate and provokes you to be disobedient to God (see: 1 Chronicles 21:1) and tempts you in areas of weakness. He tells you that you are weak and not one of God’s chosen ones. He tries to ruin you without cause (see: Job 2:3).

He tries to deceive (see: Matthew 4:3; 1 Thessalonians 3:5; Revelations 12:9). He continually accuses you before God (see: Revelations 12:10; Revelations 20:3). He is impatient and feeds anxious feelings.

He schemes against you sending discouragement as flaming missiles (see: Ephesians 6:16). He tries to make crooked the straight ways of the Lord (see: Acts 13:10).

• ENCOURAGEMENT IS GOD’S MESSAGE: He encourages you to rely on God’s power, not on your own righteousness or strength (see: 1 Thessalonians 5:24; 2 Chronicles 20:15; 2 Chronicles 16:9; Psalm 23; Psalm 37:5-7; Proverbs 3:24-26). He encourages you to be anxious for nothing and most times doesn’t give a deadline. He comforts and encourages the broken hearted and proclaims liberty for the captives (see: Isaiah 61:1). He even makes intercession for you (see: Romans 8:26).

4. “Remember all the past” says the enemy: The devil replays the videos of your past memories of sin and guilt and shame. He draws up accounts of your past sins, failures and offenses that are under the blood.

• “FORGET THE PAST!” IS THE SPIRIT SPEAKING: The Holy Spirit tells you your sin is forgotten, cleansed, removed, covered and put away, never to be held against you. (see: John 1:29; Psalm 103:12; 1 John 1:7-9; Psalm 51:7; Micah 7:19; Hebrews 10:17; Philippians 3:13; Matthew 12:31; Psalm 34:7-8)

5. The message of the enemy is rejection as by the holiness of God: He disguises himself as an agent of holiness and an angel of light (see: 2 Corinthians 11:14). He produces the feeling that God has rejected you as unworthy and unholy. Satan speaks of God as your judge and you as a miserable sinner. He emphasizes “good works” instead of God’s grace. The message is to “do, do, do” and yet you can never “do” enough to “measure up.”

• THE HOLY SPIRIT DRAWS YOU TO GOD: There is a pull of attraction towards God. He generates in you an unexpected kindness, love, long-suffering, forgiveness and new beginning with God’s help. The Holy Spirit speaks of your permanent relationship with God, drawing you to the Son of your Father (see: Joshua 1:8-9). The emphasis is to experience and live in God’s grace and forgiveness! He desires all men to be saved to come to the knowledge of truth (see: 1 Timothy 2:4).

6. The enemy brings negative scriptures to mind: As Shakespeare said, “The devil knows how to quote scripture to his purpose!” Satan threatens judgment and says, “Grace is denied because you didn’t fulfill the conditions!”  He uses the Law against you to justify yourself and rely on your own righteousness (see: Romans 10:3; Galatians 2:16). He comes and sometimes takes away the word which has been sown (see: Mark 4:15).

• THE HOLY SPIRIT BRINGS POSITIVE SCRIPTURES TO YOUR REMEMBRANCE: (see: John 14:26) He speaks of the unchanging nature of God and of His steadfast love towards us. He confirms that God remains faithful to His covenant (see 1 John 1:9; Hebrews 10:23) even when we prove faithless for a time (see: 1 John 3:20). The Spirit reassures us that there is no law that is effective against those who rely on Christ’s work (see: Colossians 2:14, Psalm 25:8-14; Psalm 40:1-5). He assures us that He is our help and strength (see: Psalm 121 and Psalm 146).

7. The enemy works to isolate you: Suggestions are sown that cause you to withdraw from other Christians and works on you to think that they reject you. In your isolation, you then feel lonely, hurt, unworthy, rejected by others and angry (see: 2 Corinthians 4:4). He works to divide you from others.

• THE HOLY SPIRIT DRAWS YOU INTO FELLOWSHIP: The Spirit sends others to minister to you in love — thus you learn to accept other’s words of encouragement and to appreciate one another and their ministry to you (see: 1 John 1:3; Hebrews 12:1-2; Hebrews 10:24-25). He sends others to open your eyes to turn from darkness to light so you may receive forgiveness (see: Acts 26:18). He works to unite us in love with other believers (see Luke 22:31-32).

8. The enemy of our faith emphasizes feelings: He tells you that the way you feel is the way things really are, even if facts differ (i.e. feelings are truth!). Your feelings of guilt, despair, hopelessness and doubt of God’s love for you are made to seem real. He encourages feelings of frustration at God’s unfairness and partiality and focuses on half-truths to cajole and control you and acts as a stumbling block to set your mind on your interests above God’s.

• THE HOLY SPIRIT STATES FACTS AND TRUTHS ABOUT YOU AND GOD: Feelings will follow faith in these facts! The Holy Spirit gives you correct doctrine and the whole truth. Learn your theology to avoid being fooled by Satan (see: Romans 16:19). The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth to move, influence and inspire you (see: John 16:13; Matthew 10:26-28; Psalm 19; John 8:45). He will also guide you to set your mind on God’s interest instead of man’s interests (see: Matthew 16:23; Colossians 3:1-2).

9. The attack of the enemy is destructive and demoralizing: The object is to get you to curse God to his face (see: Job 2:5). He fills your heart to lie (see: Acts 5:3). He encourages selfish ambition, arrogance, lying, bitterness, jealousy and disorder (see: James 3:13-16).

• THE HOLY SPIRIT DISCIPLINES IN JUSTICE: He disciplines as a loving Heavenly Father (see: Proverbs 3:11-12; Job 5:17; 1 Corinthians 11:32; Hebrews 12:6-11). His wisdom is pure then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy, and unwavering without hypocrisy (see: James 3:17).

10. The Devil accuses: He accuses you of having committed the unpardonable sin (see: Zechariah 3:1). He’s quick to judge and quick to accuse (see: Revelation 12:10).

• THE HOLY SPIRIT REASSURES YOU OF GOD’S FORGIVENESS: He states the fact that it is Christ who saved you and continues to keep you (see: 2 Chronicles 34:27-28; 1 John 1:9; Psalm 103.8-13; John 3:17). He reminds you that God is patient and long-suffering (see: Numbers 14:18; Isaiah 30:18).

THINK ABOUT IT:

What is the purpose of the enemy of our faith in accusing and condemning us?  It is to draw us away from God and to render us helpless to ourselves and to others!

What is the purpose of the Holy Spirit convicting us? It is to draw us to God and to each other and to help us to be all we can be!

The Enemy:

• Speaks in half-truths
• Pushes, agitates
• Emphasizes: “Do, do do…”
• Divides people
• Encourages our willfulness against God’s ways
• Tells us we are inadequate
• Encourages complaining

OUR HOLY SPIRIT:

• Is about the whole truth
• Wants us to be anxious for nothing
• Emphasizes: “Be, be, be…”
• Unites people
• Emphasizes the will of our Heavenly Father
• Empowers us
• Encourages contentment

The emphasis is that we’re to study all that God is in the Bible. We need to keep in mind that God is strong and He does not tolerate sin. He is our judge, but He is a fair judge who punishes and disciplines us, always wanting to draw us to Himself  —not push us away from Himself. The devil’s purpose is to pull us away from God and his people.

God is very straightforward and direct. The enemy is sneaky.

As you go with God, you will push away that which you should release and embrace that which you should hold onto through his guidance —with His strength.

The above article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions. It is a compilation of years of research and study (from personal study of scripture, various sermons she has heard, and help from others who have pointed out additional points).

Additionally, below are several web site links to articles giving additional insight into this subject that we pray will help you further. Please click onto the links to read:

• WERE OPEN TO CONVICTION

• CONDEMNATION VERSUS CONVICTION

• DISCERNING GOD’S VOICE

And even though most of us attempt to explain away at least some of our wrong attitudes and actions, they find their way out into the light eventually. (Whether or not we face the truth of our sin is another issue, because we can become very good of seeing the “speck” in the other person’s eye and overlook the “log” in our own.)

Marriage especially, can accelerate the process of bringing out our bad sides. After we say “I do”, that which was hidden or we didn’t realize was buried deeper inside of us, comes out when our comfort zones are bumped into or stepped upon by our spouse. It’s a natural process that many of us dislike and try to run away from. But in reality, all of us can be used by God to sharpen each other, if we look at our marital situations in God’s illuminating light, “as iron sharpens iron, so one man [or woman] sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:11).

There are all kinds of lessons that can be learned, When Sinners Say “I do.” That’s why we’re excited that we came across a book by that title written by Dave Harvey. We feel like it could teach us some good principles in marital living. We also came across a radio program series, produced by the terrific ministry of Family Life Today, that you may find helpful.

Below, we’re going to give 3 quotes from each program (so you can read a sneak preview) and then a web site link for each that you can click into, and make your choice to either listen to the broadcasts or read the transcripts they make available.

The first program is titled What Really Matters in Marriage, and was originally aired on May 28, 2008. The following are 3 quotes from that program. Dave Harvey said:

Ephesians 5 talks about how God has created marriage as a parable of Christ’s love for the church. And one of the realities about marriage is that it says something first about God and, in God, Christ’s love for the church. And to see that, we have the privilege of being caught up in something that’s so much bigger than any of us. It’s really about Christ and His passion for His people.

Dave explains a bit more about the above concept and then goes on to talk about certain disagreements (that you may relate to) that he and his wife have had, that have taught him some important lessons. He says:

We’ve certainly experienced our share of conflicts in our marriage, and I would say that all of them follow a familiar pattern. We will engage each other, we will be tempted to say things that we shouldn’t say, and then we have decisions to make about what we believe and how we want to relate to each other.

During this radio program, Dave talked about the lesson he’s learned and how it has changed how he apologizes to his wife. He also discussed certain things he’s learned about human beings in general in how we sometimes back away from taking full responsibility for the things we do that we shouldn’t. And yet moving towards God requires more than that. He says:

I do think that inherent to all, sin is an attempt to divert attention from the sin, and so there is something in each of us that when we go to actually confess, we’ll want to locate the responsibility for that sin outside of ourselves. I think part of moving towards God, part of applying the Gospel, is saying, “No, I am the man. I did that sin. This is the sin I did,” and being specific because it’s one thing to say, “Well, I was a little upset with you, dear,” but it’s another thing to assign a biblical term and say, “I was angry, I was feeling wrath in my heart.” Boy, that has a sting of conviction that those more generic terms don’t bring.

To listen to or read the entire transcript from this radio broadcast, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHAT REALLY MATTERS IN MARRIAGE

Day two of the three day broadcast is titled, Love Always Forgives. This broadcast can truly challenge many who struggle with forgiving a spouse after they argue and have been hurt by them. But Dave Harvey explains:

One of the reasons why God allows us to experience conflict is to recognize what is in our heart, and so part of God’s design in us coming together is to understand who we really are. Conflict is understandable, it’s to be expected, and yet it’s also an opportunity to go to school on who we really are and to apply the Gospel.

Dave gives further explanation and then says:

Conflict is part of what happens when people come together and part of what happens in marriage. And it’s not as important that it happens, as much as it is what you’re doing with it and what you’re learning from it. It’s what happens when sinners say, “I do.”

He then tells of a couple named Jeremy and Cindy who had a storybook married life but eventually their foundation of trust in a marriage and the process of forgiving was challenged after Jeremy committed adultery. He goes on to say,

Both of them came to a place where they never thought they would be. I mean, here they were Christians, and they had dedicated their lives to Christ, they had dedicated their lives to one another in marriage, and yet they were sitting there asking questions about whether this marriage was going to work. Could they go on?

…Our answer can’t begin with people, our answer must go to God and must go to the Savior, and we have to be reminded of what happened when Jesus Christ died for our sins, and the sins and the terrible and tremendous offenses that we were forgiven of. It’s only the cross that puts the sins of other people into perspective. It’s only as we look and as we perceive what actually we’ve been forgiven of that we can turn to somebody else who has sinned grievously against us and forgive them.

Dave explains this concept further and then tells of other friends who had to leave the mission field because of adultery and the battle they had with forgiveness. It’s a compelling story that we could learn from. To listen to or read the entire transcript from this radio broadcast, please click onto the link provided below:

• LOVE ALWAYS FORGIVES

The third day of the three day radio broadcasts on the subject of “when sinners say I do” is titled “Mercy Triumphs Over Judgment.” On this subject, Dave Harvey says:

Mercy acknowledges the reality that we live in a fallen world; that we have limitations and weaknesses; and that we are called to relate to one another in kindness in those things, even if we’re correcting our spouse, or we’re being corrected – even there, there is a heart of mercy that we are to bring to one another because marriage is fundamentally about ministering to each other.

Dave further explains the issue of mercy as he tells of a woman named Emma who was deeply hurt by her husband Gordon and yet she displayed Christ-like mercy in how she reacted daily to his injustices. He explains:

What Emma did as a result of the way that Gordon treated her and just to review it, Gordon and Emma met as he was new in ministry and met at a church function, got married shortly thereafter, and on their honeymoon, Gordon informed her that he didn’t love her, that he married her because he thought that that was the best thing to do in ministry, to be married. That began 40 years of Emma having an experience of a distant husband, disconnected, and probably unconverted.

Yet Emma’s disposition was not one where she was living, just always responding to the next thing he did do or didn’t do. But she drew her guidelines for how to respond from what she saw in Christ, what she saw in the Gospel, and she used that to determine how she would live with Gordon.

Dave further explains what he learned of Christ through Emma’s actions and said:

We are commanded in Scripture to be merciful as our Father in heaven is merciful, and yet what we don’t often realize is that mercy is specifically referencing sin. When it says that God is merciful, that means that He has suffered with sinners and for sinners. He has — it defines His disposition towards us despite the fact that we are weak, that we are fallen, and that, apart from Jesus Christ, we are bent in the wrong direction. We are bent to disobey God and yet even in that state, even while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. He came towards us out of a merciful heart to draw us to Him. So it’s God in relationship to us, as sinners, that really defines that mercy.

You can read the rest of this radio interview (which we highly recommend) by clicking on the link below:

• MERCY TRIUMPHS OVER JUDGMENT

“You-scratch-my-back and I’ll-scratch-yours” — “But if you don’t, I won’t scratch yours either.”

By the world’s standards that sounds pretty reasonable. But think about it, since when did God call His children to live by what is reasonable by the “world’s standards?”

The Bible says in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

What is God’s “good, pleasing and perfect” will, when is comes to marriage? How do we “transform” our thinking and our actions to God’s way of conducting ourselves in marriage rather than to the “pattern of this world?”

It’s a matter of flipping our vision around so we no longer look at our spouse through the “world’s” eyes, but rather through our Heavenly Father’s eyes— that’s what is truly non-conforming and transforming about it. It’s not something that comes naturally to us, but Super-naturally, through God’s transforming, resurrecting power.

It’s also a matter of seeing our marriages beyond our own comfort zones, and viewing them as “platforms for evangelism” as author Gary Thomas talks about. In that way, our marriages “can draw people into a truth that points beyond this world into the next.”

Have you ever viewed your marriage in this God-centered way?

To help with this, we have provided two web site links below, which will lead to different articles written by Gary Thomas (who is one of our favorite authors). We believe they will give all of us a unique God-centered way to view how we look at our spouses and our marriages.

Please click onto the links below to read:

• THE GOD-CENTERED SPOUSE

• FINDING GOD IN MARRIAGE

Dr Gary Chapman asks himself, “How did I miss what Jesus had to say about me and my marriage?” To read the answer he finally arrived at, please click onto the following Marriage Partnership Magazine web site link:

• THE GOSPEL TRUTH

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

• Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7-8)

• Love flows through a marriage that lives up to mutual responsibility. “Love is not self seeking, it’s not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 )

• Foundation Verses for Marriage: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” (Hebrews 10:24) Ask yourself: “How can I spur him on to encourage him?”

• Don’t isolate yourself, “Let us encourage one another —and all the more as you see the day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25).

• A true demonstration of love:“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for each other.” (1 John 3:16)

• Apply Hebrews 10:24 that says, “As far as it be within you be at peace with all men.”

• Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

• It says in 1 Corinthians 13:7 that love “always protects.” That doesn’t mean love enables, covers over, or makes secret those things that should be brought to the light. (Giving “protecting love” is being very careful and prayerful of when, where, and with whom, we share “personal” details of our married life that need extra help and wise counsel.) To truly love our spouse is to protect them by showing honor and respect for their feelings— not revealing or doing anything that will embarrass or “cut them down.” By doing so, we’re dishonoring them and showing that we don’t value them.

It also tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that “love is kind,” “does not delight in evil,” and “is not self-seeking” so by embarrassing them, we dishonor not only our spouse, but in many ways, we also show the Lord that we dishonor His Word. Even if our spouse dishonors us, we aren’t given the permission to retaliate in return.

• Keep in mind as you weather those marital storms, that we’re warned in 1 Corinthians 7:27-28, that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”

• In reading Luke 19:41-44, I see how these verses could also apply to the enormous sadness that Christ must feel as He sees the “war” that rages within marriages today. It says in these verses, “As Jesus approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, ‘If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace — but it’s hidden from your eyes. The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you and encircle you and hem you in on every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone on another, because you didn’t recognize the time of God’s coming to you.”

If we would only “know” the peace that He can bring into everyday living and into our married lives as we allow God to teach us how to truly love one another as Christ loves the church. The “enemies” that are described within these verses could also be compared to the things that we allow to come between us as a couple so we’re no longer living in loving covenant with our spouses. Not only will we be brought down— but also, and most tragically— so will our children.

As Oswald Chambers once said, “If I allow any turning away from God in my private life, everyone around me suffers.” All of this is because we don’t recognize Christ’s redemptive ministry, open to all that embrace Him as Savior, AND as Lord, in being the foundation upon which our marriages must be built upon and maintained. It’s enough to make all of heaven weep! (Cindy Wright)

• The apostle Paul said, “In all things, I have learned to be content.” That same statement can be applied to marriage. In 1 Corinthians, we see how Paul addressed many difficult relationship questions. The over-all answer that he seems to give is to “Be content in the situation where God has placed you. If you’re married, don’t seek to be single. If you’re single, don’t seek to be married.

Live God’s way, one day at a time, and he will show you what to do. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God. One isn’t morally better than the other, and both are valuable to accomplishing God’s purposes. It’s important for us, therefore, to accept our present situation.” (Explanation from “The New Life Application Bible” of 1 Corinthians 7:3-11)

• In Ephesians 4:15 Paul challenged Christians to live a life of “speaking the truth in love.” Our tendency is to do well on 50% of that verse. Some of us have mastered “speaking the truth.” We’re quick to point out anything that we see or perceive in our spouse and are willing to use any method (attacking, judging, etc.) to drive the point home. Others of us are stuck at the “in love” part of confrontation. We’ve come to believe in complete acceptance and tolerance of any behavior.

Often we become paralyzed with a fear of hurting someone’s feelings and withdraw into passivity and silence. Speaking the truth in love combines both of these concepts to allow us to confront sinful behavior without compromise, yet with absolute care and respect for the individual, saying things in a way that the person can accept. When a couple takes the stance of living out Paul’s challenge of “speaking the truth in love” to each other, the old models of judging and passivity must disappear. (Jeff and Lora Helton)

• He who finds a wife finds what is good. (Proverbs 18:22)

• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)

• A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Proverbs 28:11)

• Finishing is better than starting! (Ecclesiastes 7:8a)

• The principles for living in the Bible are the principles for loving in our marriages. (Cindy Wright)

• Don’t give in to injustice— be a difference maker. Give to your spouse, the grace that you would want from him and that you want the Lord to give you. Keep in mind these words, “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8)

And also the words written in Isaiah 1:17, “Stop doing wrong, learn to do right!” 1 John 3:16 says, “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.”

• I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. (1 Corinthians 11:3) “Submission is a key element in the smooth functioning of any business, government, or family. God ordained submission in certain relationships to prevent chaos. It’s essential to understand that submission is not surrender, withdrawal, or apathy. It doesn’t mean inferiority, because God created all people in his image and because all have equal value. Submission is mutual commitment and cooperation.

“Thus God calls for submission among equals. He didn’t make the man superior; he made a way for the man and woman to work together. Jesus Christ, although equal with God the Father, submitted to him to carry out the plan for salvation. Likewise, although equal to man under God, the wife should submit to her husband for the sake of their marriage and family. Submission between equals is submission by choice, not by force. We serve God in these relationships by willingly submitting to others in our church, to our spouses, and to our government leaders.” (Commentary from the New Life Application Bible)

• Guard yourself in your spirit, and don’t break faith. (Malachi 2:16)

• Man was not “created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head. In the LORD, however, woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God. (1 Corinthians 11:9-11)

“God created lines of authority in order for his created world to function smoothly. Although there must be lines of superiority. God created men and women with unique and complementary characteristics. One sex is not better than the other. We must not let the issue of authority and submission become a wedge to destroy oneness in marriage. Instead, we should use our unique gifts to strengthen our marriages and to glorify God.” (Commentary from the New Life Application Bible)

• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless.

In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of His body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)

“Paul devotes twice as many words to telling husbands to love their wives as to telling wives to submit to their husbands. How should a man love his wife? (1) He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. (2) He should make her well-being of primary importance. (3) He should care for her as he cares for his own body. No wife needs to fear submitting to a man who treats her in this way. (Commentary explanation from the New Life Application Bible for Ephesians 5:25-30)

“The union of husband and wife merges two persons in such a way that little can affect one without also affecting the other. Oneness in marriage doesn’t mean losing your personality in the personality of the other. Instead, it means caring for your spouse as you care for yourself, learning to anticipate his or her needs, helping the other person become all he or she can be. The creation story tells of God’s plan that husband and wife should be one (Genesis 2:24), and Jesus also referred to this plan (Matthew 19:4-6). (Commentary explanation for Ephesians 5:31-33)

• A very important principle for men to take to heart: “Speaking the truth in love we will in all things grow up into Him who is the head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Ephesians 4:15-16)

• When you’re living in a “coping situation” in your marriage, you need to make sure that you put activities and “helps” into your life that will enable you to build up your energy back up. Living in a “coping situation” can drastically drain you emotionally, physically and spiritually. Therefore, if you deplete your reserve energy without restoring at least part of it back from time to time, you’ll find yourself in a crisis situation eventually.

The Bible tells us that we can “Do all things through Him who strengthens us” (Philippians 4:13). But we have to make sure that we don’t neglect to plug into the source of energy so we can do all things.

• Let me ask you, “Are you prayerfully and carefully treating your spouse with the love, honor and respect that God would have you? Are you showing the love of Christ to your spouse?” If not, you may want to pray Psalm 51 with a sincere heart and ask the Lord to show you how to love, honor, and cherish your spouse as you promised in your wedding vows.

• “Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”

• Make a pact with a friend of the same sex regarding purity and sexual fidelity to your spouse. Agree to share and ask questions regarding the details of relationships with members of the opposite sex apart from your spouse. Memorize a verse to recall in times of challenge. Recommendation: 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (Alistair Begg)

NEW TESTAMENT MANDATE
—a review of some of the “one another” verses:

. Be devoted and give preference to one another. (Romans 12:10)
. Accept one another. (Romans 15:7)
. Care for one another. (1 Corinthians 12:25)
. Carry each other’s burdens. (Galatians 6:2)
. Forgive one another. (Ephesians 4:32)
. Encourage, build up one another. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
. Spur one another on to love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)
. Confess your sins to one another. (James 5:16)
. Pray for one another. (James 5:16)

“We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them.” (2 Corinthians 5:20 -The Message)

• Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. (Ephesians 5:1-2, The Message)

• Beware of these statements, “He is” -or- “she is” -or- “I am” a very private person.” PRIVACY CAN VERY EASILY LEAD TO BEHAVIOR THAT GIVES INTO DARKNESS. (See: Proverbs 4:19, 2 Samuel 22:29, Psalm 112:4, Matthew 6:23, Luke 11:34-36, John 3:19-21, Romans 1:21, 2 Corinthians 4:6, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Ephesians 4:17-18 and 5:8-14, 1 Peter 2:9, 1 John 1:5-7, 1 John 2:9-11). Privacy can easily lead into secrecy. And secrecy leads to all kinds of trouble because it’s not exposed to “the light.”

Being a “very private person” can be especially dangerous in a marriage. When we give the vow to enter into a marital relationship, we give up the right to our privacy— especially when that privacy can have a negative effect the life of our spouse. Be careful of the statement, “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” because often it will. Follow the Lord’s leading in this issue. Keep in mind that in marriage, God wants to take the “two of us and make us one.” The enemy of our faith wants to take the “oneness of us” and make us into two.

“The killer of love is creeping separateness. It’s taking love for granted, especially after marriage. It’s ceasing to do things together— finding separate interests. It’s ‘we’ turning into ‘I.’ The modern world, especially in the cities favors it with the man going off to his office; and the woman staying home with the children — or perhaps having a different job. The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came the creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.” (Sheldon Vanauken and Cindy Wright)

• As you read Matthew 5:31-32 you can see that “Jesus is trying to move us from easy divorce to a deeper commitment to marriage.” (Dr. Roger Barrier)

• An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Proverbs 24:26)

• Make it a priority to be involved with other couples on a regular basis, in order to support and be accountable to one another in your marriage relationships. Church small groups and Sunday schools are ideal. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another and all the more as you see the day approaching.” (Alistair Begg)

• The surprising result of being honest about your fears and insecurities is that people may actually be more drawn to you (Dr. Todd Linaman) “The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, but the folly of fools is deceit.” (Proverbs 14:8)

• Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean. “But speaking the truth in love, may [we] grow up in all things into Him who is the head —CHRIST.” (Ephesians 4:15 NKJ)

• The enemy of our faith tries to divide us because he knows that “united we stand, divided we fall.” He fans the flames of rivalry and pride. How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)

• What are you feeding in your marriage? Are you making a conscientious effort to feed your love, and commitment to your spouse, or are you feeding your doubts, dissatisfaction and self-absorption? If you don’t make a point of feeding your love and commitment, then it’s easy for doubts and dissatisfaction to slide into your way of perceiving your spouse without even realizing it.

Life today naturally pulls us away from each other. The hectic busyness of the way we’re living takes its toll on the marital relationship because without making the time to nurture our love for one another, unmet relational needs have a way of negatively ambushing our feelings of love for one another. Do you spend your time focusing on the negative or on the positive aspects of your spouse?

The Bible tells us in Philippians 4: 8-9: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me —put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Cindy Wright)

• My prayer for marriages: “May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:23) This is also an example of how God wants us to function. Just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are separate individuals within the Godhead, yet they are one in purpose. In marriage the husband and wife are different individuals and yet they are to be one in purpose. (Cindy Wright)

• Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)

• Prayer for marriages: “May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:23) This is also an example of how God wants us to function. Just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are separate individuals within the Godhead, yet they are one in purpose. In marriage the husband and wife are different individuals and yet they are to be one in purpose. (Cindy Wright)

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes (author unknown). “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” (Proverbs 29:11)

• Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)

• Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress. (Proverbs 30:21-23)

• If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive— I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. (2 Corinthians 2:10-11)

• The lips of the righteous knows what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse. (Proverbs 10:32)

• Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12)

• Jesus said, “I came that they might have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). When applying this message to marriage, it’s not that those who don’t have a personal relationship with Christ can’t have a good marriage —they can —we’ve seen this to be true. (It’s rare but it’s possible.) But to have a full, rich, abundant married life together, Christ is the key. Marriage is all about the love of God displayed through ordinary people. (Cindy Wright)

• “There are two hindrances to good communication that must be overcome. There’s the bad habit of lazy listening and hasty speaking” (John Lavendar). (Goes with James 1:19)

• Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5)

• The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)

• The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. (Proverbs 15:14)

• He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. (Proverbs 15:31)

• He who answers before listening —that is his folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

• The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out. (Proverbs 18:15)

• Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. (Proverbs 19:20)

• Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge. (Proverbs 23:12)

• Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

• A quiet and gentle spirit disarms men. (Dr Charles Swindoll) This is in reference to the scripture that says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” It should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-2 and 4).

• A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:23).

• The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse (Proverbs 10:29).

• Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)

• A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. (Proverbs 17:27)

• A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. (Proverbs 18:2)

• Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)

• Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Philippians 4:29)

• Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips. (Proverbs 4:24)

• He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3)

• My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All of the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse. (Proverbs 8:7-8)

• The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21)

• A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Proverbs 29:11)

• Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5)

• If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Galatians 5:15)

• In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. (1 Peter 2:11)

• Remind the people to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. (Titus 3:2)

• Think of your marriage as sacred ground. It’s a union God has sanctioned, not just because you were determined to come together but also for God’s purpose. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

• Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (Amos 3:3)

• The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 5:2, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few.”

• Serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Galatians 5:13b-14)

• Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others (1 Corinthians 10:24).

• Everything is permissible —but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible —but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

• If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other (Galatians 6:15).

• Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers (Galatians 6:9-10).

• But wisdom is proved right by her actions (Matthew 11:19).

• But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment; for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned (Matthew 12:37).

• My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this —that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command (John 15:12-14).

. Love is an act of will, both an intention and an action. “Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).

If you have additional scriptures and/or tips you can share to help others who are married, or if you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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But, how do we do that? How does God show us our heart? How do we enter into that intimate relationship with Him? We can’t just determine to try hard to do these things. We have to ask God to show us our heart, and allow Him, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to renew and transform us into His likeness. And He’s faithful to do that, little by little. It’s a moment-by-moment, day-by-day process.

So, how do we come before God in honesty? Consider an excerpt from a letter written by Francois Fenelon, a 17th century monk:

“Talk with God about the thoughts of which your heart is full. If you enjoy the presence of God, if you feel drawn to love Him, tell Him so. Such sensible passion will make the time of prayer fly without exhausting you, for all you’ll have to do is say what you feel.

‘But what, you ask, are you to do in the times of dryness, inner resistance, and coldness?’ Do the same thing. Say equally what is in your heart! Tell God that you no longer feel any love for Him, that everything is a terrible blank to you. Tell Him that things concerning Him exhausts you, that His presence doesn’t move you emotionally, that you long to leave Him for whatever comes your way, and that you won’t feel happy until you’ve left Him and can turn your time into thinking about yourself. Tell Him all the evil you know about yourself.

So, how can we even ask what there is to talk to God about? There’s so much! When you tell Him about your miseries, ask Him to cure them. Say to Him, ‘My God, you see my ingratitude, my inconsistency. Take my heart for I don’t know how to give it to You. Give me an inner distaste for external things; give me crosses necessary to bring me back under your leadership. Have mercy on me in spite of myself!’

In this way either God’s mercies or your own miseries will always give you enough to talk to Him about. The subject will never be exhausted. “In either of these two states I’ve described, tell Him without hesitation everything that comes into your head, with simplicity and familiarity, as a little child sitting on its mothers knee.”

I’m just now learning to seek His face. He’s teaching me how to be honest with Him. And in my honesty, He meets me. Layer by layer, He shows me the hardness surrounding my heart —my pride, my anger, and my resentment.

Then, as I walk with Him, He shows me what’s behind those emotions, and He peels that hard shell off my heart one thin layer at a time.

The end of Psalm 139 reads, “Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts; see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me into life everlasting.”

Spend time with God in complete honesty. Ask Him to reveal His character to you. And, give Him your uncompromising obedience.

The above article titled, Talking in Honesty with God, was adapted from an article written by Meg Kempton featured in the January 2000, Women’s Ministries Newsletter for Grace Community Church in Detroit, Michigan.

The following is written by Dr. Tim Clinton explaining how sometimes, when we’re caught up in a sinful relationship, almost without thinking, we bring God into it. Instead of heeding what we know God would not want us to do, we at first push “God’s admonitions aside and continue down the path” we’ve chosen for ourselves, doing “things we know God would not sanction, yet we become increasingly confident that God understands and actually approves our course. It’s a frightening paradox, and it ends with someone reaching spiritual rock bottom and stating, and meaning, some pretty remarkable things, like: “I believe God just doesn’t want me to stay in this marriage anymore.”

As Dr. Clinton writes:

God tells us we’re to love our spouses; Paul said men are to love their wives and give of themselves as Jesus gave Himself for the church. Wives are to love their husbands, submitting to them as we submit before the Lord. Satan, the world, and our flesh war with us and try to get us to do the opposite and all too often we comply.

Let’s look at what takes people to this point:

The first step in the downward spiritual spiral is the rationalization of sin. Usually it’s something small and seemingly insignificant. Yet, because it’s the first step, it’s significant. What makes it more so is that we rationalize hurting the person we’ve pledged to love.”

The steps in a Downward Spiritual Cycle:

1. You sin in some way against your spouse. The more often you go through the cycle, the more destructive the transgressions get.

2. You feel guilt and/or shame, but instead of repenting right away and seeking forgiveness, which is God’s way out of the predicament, you rationalize.

3. You see some value in what you’ve done. There’s a benefit there for you.

4. You convince yourself it’s something God would sanction. Or if He wouldn’t directly approve, as a loving God, He surely wouldn’t want you to suffer by not getting the benefit.

5. You fear that your true feelings might become exposed, so you keep what you’ve done secret.

6. You yield to temptation again. This takes you back to step 1. But this time, it’s much easier to yield to temptation because your heart is that much more hardened and you’ve reaped a benefit that you would like to get again.

And so the cycle continues. The cycle finally ends with your warping and fashioning God’s Word to your own ends. Subtly at first, blatantly later.

Although there are only a few steps to the cycle, it’s repeated with increasing frequency as time goes on and your relationships with your spouse and the Lord deteriorate.

[Editor's note: The author, Dr. Clinton then goes on to tell of a married couple where the husband Carl is having a sexual affair. Below are a few statements Dr. Clinton gives, pertaining to Carl that can be so easily recognized as a pattern that others adopt in their own rationalizations of their behavior. See if you recognize them.]

• He (John) was beginning to feel above the Word, as if it applied to everyone else, but not to him —God loved him just too much to worry about a few minor infractions. So he started living his life with a princely arrogance instead of a godly humility. In biblical terms, John” heart was getting hard. For it to soften again, he would have to repent and begin to selflessly love his wife again. And he wasn’t ready to do that.

• John remained calm and self-righteous. And that’s the tragedy of the downward spiritual spiral — during the journey, the Word of God becomes so warped by a self-interest-based interpretation, that even the most flagrant sins become something God would sanction.

• When John first came into counseling, he told me, “God can’t want me to stay in this marriage. It’s against everything He’s given me. It hinders the career He’s given me, the friends He’s given me, the talents He’s given me. It’s against everything He’s given me for fun. Everything. How could He possibly want me to be married to that woman? How? It just doesn’t make sense.”

And, of course, we come to believe this because to not do so means we have to change: We have to repent; we have to humbly seek forgiveness; we have to begin living selflessly; we have to become vulnerable again and trust the Lord to keep our emotions safe as we recommit ourselves to Him. And we’re not ready to do that.

All this boiled down to one question: What about you? If you’re tolerating what you shouldn’t in your life, the seeds are being sown and taking root. Take real care. There aren’t many warning signs. Look seriously at how you behave in your marriage and, as truthfully as you can, ask yourself how far you’ve drifted from doing what, in your heart of hearts, you know God wants for your marriage.

Are you doing things that you know to run contrary to the Word of God but justifying them? Or do you feel in some way outside God’s law? It’s easy to do. After all, God loves us and promises to never leave or forsake us. And since this includes when we fall ingot sin, it’ easy to believe that whatever we do, we’ll remain in God’s graces. Are you counting on that right now? Remember, James 1:15b says quite pointedly, when you yield to sin, it leads to death. Separation. Brokenness.

If this is true for you, stop right now. Acknowledge your sin, come clean about it, ask God for mercy, accept His forgiveness, then discipline yourself to godliness. Don’t forget 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” If your sin has hurt anyone, you need to repair that as well. A clean heart like the one God speaks of in Psalm 51:10 is our road to freedom.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me”
(Psalm 51:10).

The above article came from the excellent book, Before A Bad Goodbye: How to Turn Your Marriage Around -by Dr. Tim Clinton, published by Word Publishing. As Dr’s. Les and Leslie Parrott say and we totally agree, “If you’re trying to reclaim a love that has nearly slipped through your fingers, you can’t afford to miss this outstanding book.” This book is filled with spiritual encouragements, cognitive tools, and practical behavioral suggestions and is a “must-read” for every married couple. We can’t recommend this book highly enough!

SIN IS WHATEVER:

• Weakens your sense of reasoning,

• impairs the tenderness of your heart,

• obscures your sense of God or,

• takes away your relish for spiritual things.

In short, if anything increases the authority of the flesh over the Spirit, no matter how good it is in and of itself—that to you is sin.

The following is adapted from an article entitled, Hard Times, by Larry Crabb in Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring Edition 1998:

Sin came into the world when the first couple refused to trust God as entirely good. Ever since Adam and Eve concluded that God can’t be trusted with the unanticipated problems of temptation and doubt, their descendants have agreed that certain difficulties in life go beyond God’s ability or willingness to handle. This suspicion that God isn’t worthy of absolute trust lies at the root of sin. Until that suspicion’s exposed, we’ll handle our problems superficially at best and without real peace.

Satan’s goal is to keep the revelation of God through Christ under wraps. He toils to persuade us that there’s no adequate reason to believe God is good. He points to the injustice and heartaches of life as evidence that God isn’t worthy of trust—that God’s holding out on us.

And to achieve his purpose, there’s one central strategy: encouraging us to focus on everything but the one thing that provides God the platform to fully reveal his grace — our sin. Satan encourages us to:

• Notice another person’s sin more than our own

• Define sin as less heinous that it really is—perhaps regarding it as understandable, and in some cases even desirable

• Explain sin as a legitimate reaction to life’s disappointments and, therefore, worthy more of compassion than judgment

• Think of self-hatred and shame as a more serious problem than sin

• Treat sin as something merely naughty, like a childish prank

• Evaluate sin as a merely regrettable path to legitimate relief from pressure and pain— a path made necessary by whomever designed the world.

As long as we focus on life’s trials and disappointments, feeling our pain more deeply than we feel the pain we cause God, we’ll struggle to believe in His goodness.

A few other thoughts on the subject of sin:

• It happens all too often that people try to normalize sin by getting others to buy into it.

• Until we understand what sin is, we’ll never take its consequences seriously. (Ravi Zacharius)

• Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful.

• Whenever God is knocked out, sin is minimized.

“There is a way that seems right to a man,
but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12)

When we decide to marry someone, most often we believe we have a love for that “someone special” and they have a love for us that will last for the rest of our lives. We believe that no matter what comes our way, we can overcome it as long as we’re together.

That’s why we promise on our wedding day before God and all of our chosen witnesses “to love, honor, and cherish each other—forsaking all others—for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, ’til death do we part.” It’s our way of saying that we believe we have a love for each other that will never fail—no matter what, and that our bond as a couple who loves each other will only grow deeper as we spend the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

• Do you believe the above statement to be true?

Wouldn’t it be nice if that would and could be true for every couple that marries? As someone once said, “I don’t believe that any couple who proceeds to marry each other ever walks down the aisle thinking they’re going to destroy their love for each other and consequently negatively impact their partner’s life from that day forward.” Do you? And yet we see all see this happening time after time, year after year.

• Consider the following statements and then comment on them:

The Bible says, “What a man desires is unfailing love” (Proverbs 19:22). “Do you realize this verse is putting that which we long for in a capsule phrase for us? Please don’t miss this! Every human being strongly desires, covets in others, and longs for unfailing love—lavish love—focused love—radical love—love we can count on” (Beth Moore). Comment on your views of these statements.

• The Bible also says, “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” (Proverbs 20:6) How would you describe unfailing love?

• Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Does your idea of unfailing love sound anything like Paul’s description of love as described in these verses? Explain.

• The commentary note in the New Life Application Bible says this concerning those particular Bible verses:

“Our society confuses love and lust. Unlike lust, God’s kind of love is directed outward toward others, not inward toward ourselves. It is utterly unselfish. This kind of love goes against our natural inclinations. It is possible to practice this love only if God helps us set aside our own desires and instincts, so that we can give love while expecting nothing in return. Thus the more we become like Christ, the more love we will show to others.”

Comment on this statement and how this could be tied in with the marriage vows underlined in the first paragraph at the beginning of this study.

• Read the following as it pertains to the above verses in 1 Corinthians 13 and then comment on how worldly love differs from Biblical love:

“The problem with love is that so many people don’t have a clue what it is. Love is not a feeling; it’s an attitude. Basing love on emotions, as the world does, has caused immeasurable pain to countless numbers of people. It’s like building a sand castle on the beach. It might look solid, but when the high tide rolls in, the sand castle isn’t strong enough to hold up, and it washes away… The world gives love a staggering amount of attention… Love is presented as something to be ‘fallen into’ and ‘fallen out of.’ There is no solution given for what to do when the emotion fails you and the warm fuzzies are gone-other than bailing out and starting over with someone else.

“You can recognize worldly love by how unpredictable it is. The Bible offers a different kind of love. This love says I am committed to act lovingly toward this person regardless of how I feel. You’ll be able to recognize biblical love: it is patient, unselfish, and loyal. It doesn’t keep score; it assumes the best motives. It gives without seeking in return; it always seeks to honor God, and it endures through thick, thin, and in-between. Feelings change. Feelings don’t last, but biblical love is eternal.” (Henry and Richard Blackaby, “The Experience: Day-by-Day with God – Broadman & Holman Publishers)

• How does “Biblical” love differ from “worldly” love? Is there, or should there be a difference in how Christians love one another in marriage compared to those who don’t know the love of Christ and base their love on worldly values? Discuss the differences.

• Read together 1 John 4:7-12. What do these verses tell us of God’s love for us and how we should love others — including our spouse?

• Read together Ephesians 5:1-2. The commentary for the above verses says,

“Just as children imitate their parents, we should imitate Christ. His great love for us led him to sacrifice himself so that we might live. Our love for others should be of the same kind—a love that goes beyond affection to self-sacrificing service.”

How could this type of love manifest itself in marriage? Give some examples of self-sacrificing marital love that you’ve seen in others.

• Read together Philippians 2:1-8. We’re told that our “attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus” and then explains His attitude. If our attitudes were the same as that of Christ how could this affect how we treat each other in our daily marital lives?

The commentary for the above Bible verses says,

“Often people excuse selfishness, pride, or evil by claiming their rights. They think, “I can cheat on this test; after all, I deserve to pass this class,’ or ‘I can spend all this money on myself —I worked hard for it’ …but as believers, we should have a different attitude, one that enables us to lay aside our rights in order to serve others. If we say we follow Christ, we must also say we want to live as he lived. We should develop his attitude of humility as we serve, even when we are not likely to get recognition for our efforts. Are you selfishly clinging to your rights, or are you willing to serve?”

• Read 1 John 4:13-17 and then 1 John 4:19-21. Comment on the particulars of these verses and how we should live them out in our married lives together.

• The commentary for the verses above says,

“It is easy to say we love God when that love doesn’t cost us anything more than weekly attendance at religious services. But the real test of our love for God is how we treat the people right in front of us—our family members and fellow believers. We cannot truly love God while neglecting to love those who are created in his image.”

How should our behavior toward one another in our marriages differ from those who don’t have a relationship with Christ as their Lord and Savior?

“People spend a lot of time and energy pursuing love. There is a difference, however, between God’s love and the love that the world knows. If we are not careful, Christians can begin to adopt the world’s way of loving instead of God’s. The world says love is a feeling. When you stop feeling love for someone it means you no longer love them

…”Jesus commanded those who wanted to be his disciples to follow his standard for loving people rather than the world’s standard. Jesus directs us to love others in exactly the same way he loves us. When Jesus saw us hopelessly enslaved to sin, he didn’t say, ‘I don’t feel like dying on a cross for them. I think I’ll wait until the feeling comes.’ He didn’t say, ‘I have tried and tried to love them, but they always reject me. I give up!’

“Jesus saw that without him we would perish, and he acted lovingly toward us despite our rejecting him. His love did not depend on what we did to deserve it, or even on whether we accepted it. Jesus freely and unconditionally gave us his love. This is how God wants us to love others (especially our spouses). Not with strings attached, as the world loves. Not just love as long as they are lovable. Not just love as long as they appreciate it. God wants us to give our love freely and unconditionally. Only God can help us to love people in this way.” (Henry and Richard Blackaby) Comment on this statement.

• From any of the Bible verses and comments that have been stated so in this study—are you seeing things any differently now in how you should view and interact with your spouse? If so, how?

• “A good marriage is costly. It will cost you everything. And for that reason there aren’t many people who want to pay the price” (Scott Engelman). If a good marriage will cost you everything —is it worth it?

The question given above is one that only you can answer. But before you do, read together Philippians 3:7-16. Verse by verse discuss with each other what God is revealing to you concerning your marriage.

In closing: “This is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

End this time in prayer—praying with each other and for each other—that God will continually teach you how to give UNFAILING BIBLICAL LOVE to your spouse.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate a you live with your wives, and treat them with respect a the weaker partner. (1 Peter 3:7)

And the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

A man told me recently that he rarely cusses. When he does cuss, it’s only in front of his wife.

A woman speaks with courteous hospitality to her boss when he calls her at home. When she hangs up, however, a fusillade of angry criticisms pours forth for the extra work he wants done.

In marriage we can find the most relaxed relationship on earth. We feel a comfortableness with our spouse like no other—an altogether wonderful state. Unless we guard ourselves, though, we can wound the spirit of our mate. As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.” We must strive to show each other respect.

There are two problems for the man who cusses around his wife but no one else. First, the quality of our character is most revealed in little things, not big things. Christianity finds its truest test in traffic, when the car breaks down, when an appointment suddenly cancels at the last moment, and in the confines of marriage. Our spouses will decide if Christianity is true for us based upon how we live when we think they don’t notice.

We may think of ourselves as altogether righteous. We think, If I can’t let off a little steam with my mate, where can I? The problem is the report the other spouse would have to give. How we are behind the tightly drawn curtains of our own private castle is how we really are. By taking his wife for granted, the “cussing husband” has shown a lack of respect for his wife and damaged his Christian testimony with the very person for whom he has the most responsibility.

The second problem for this husband is that there must be nothing in his behavior to make the wife stumble in her faith. Another example will further illustrate. A friend was to play in a golf tournament for his company. The sponsor, however, had hired the scantily clad waitresses from a local bar to act as hostesses. His wife was deeply disturbed and didn’t want him to play. This man cannot simply ignore her concerns and tell her, “I have to play. It’s business.” He must treat her with considerations and respect as the partner God has given him.

In this case, they had a wonderful opportunity to study the Scriptures together to determine their mutual responsibilities and, also, to build more trust into the relationship. To do less is to take each other for granted and fail to show mutual respect. Incidentally, he decided not to play after all.

The husband and wife are to respect each other, not take each other for granted. The respect she renders is like awe or reverence (not, of course, in the same sense as she would revere God). The respect he renders is esteem of the highest degree, dignity, and honor.

Marriage magnifies imperfections. In the intimate space of marriage we must be alert to represent our Lord to each other. Marriage is the most important place to live for Christ. We must do nothing to make each other stumble. We must not assume our spouses understand where we’re coming from when others raise our ire. Don’t take each other for granted.

DISCUSSION: Both answer: Do you act “un-Christ-like” around your spouse? In what ways? Why do you think it happens?

APPLICATION: Talk out the areas in which you take each other for granted. Commit to be more self-aware and to live like Christ before your mate, not just your acquaintances.

PRAYER: Either or both, as applicable:

Lord Jesus, I confess that I have lived an overly casual life before my mate. I have mistakenly thought that behaving in a Christ-like manner wasn’t as important in my marriage as in other places. I can see that I was wrong. Help me to live with integrity before my mate. Amen.

The above devotional thoughts came from the book, Devotions for Couples —For Busy Couples Who Want More Intimacy in Their Relationships -by Patrick Morley. Patrick Morley is a business leader, speaker, and the best selling author of 12 books, including The Man in the Mirror. He lives in Orlando, Florida. This book was published in by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com.

TRUTH: I am secure because I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3). All my needs are supplied in Christ (Philippians 4:19). It is not by my power or strength, but by His Spirit (Zechariah 4:6). He is a shield to those who walk uprightly (Proverbs 2:7b, 11).

2. MYTH: I must perform perfectly and avoid mistakes to be accepted and acceptable to God.

TRUTH: I am perfect in Christ; one Spirit with Him (Hebrews 10:14; 1 Corinthians 6:17). I have been made accepted by Him (Ephesians 1:6). Christ died that I would be the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21).

3. MYTH: I am responsible for my spouse’s or another’s emotional well-being. I must apologize if he or she isn’t okay or if they do something wrong (or) I am accountable to God for my spouse.

TRUTH: Each one shall give account of himself to God (Romans 14:12). I cannot rescue my brother by any means (Psalm 49:7). Each person eats the fruit of his own way (Proverbs 1:31).

4. MYTH: I must stay emotionally guarded to be safe and secure.

TRUTH: The Lord is my safety (Psalm 4:8; 27:1-6; 32:7-11). Safety is only of the Lord (Proverbs 1:33; 3:23; 21:31). As I trust Christ, His peace will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). He is my shield and fortress (Psalm 18:1-3).

5. MYTH: I must be strong and independent to survive.

TRUTH: Christ’s strength is perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). My life is to be dependent on Christ, since He is the Vine and I am a branch in Him. Without Him I can do nothing (John 15:5; 2 Corinthians 12:10).

6. MYTH: I do not measure up I am not worthy of love. I may deserve to be punished.

TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). I am chosen, have been made righteous, holy, a saint. I have been justified. I have been made a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2; Romans 8:30).

7. MYTH: Real men do not show they need help.

TRUTH: When I humble myself before God, in due time He exalts me (1 Peter 5:6). Pride comes before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

8. MYTH: I must improve myself and build my self-confidence to succeed and know I am valued.

TRUTH: My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; 14:26); I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3). I am to humble myself and become of no reputation (Philippians 2:5-8).

9. MYTH: I must get respect from my mate and others to know I am of worth.

TRUTH: I am called to love and to serve others and consider them better than myself (Philippians 2:3). Pride comes before destruction and shame (Proverbs 16:18; 11:2). I am to become of “no reputation” and be a servant (Philippians 2:5-8). He has made me accepted and perfect (Ephesians 1:6; Hebrews 10:14).

10. MYTH: I must be heard and/or right to know I am of value to my loved one or others.

TRUTH: I am not to be wise in my own eyes (Proverbs 3:7). I am to find my value in Christ (Ephesians 1:6; See #9).

11. MYTH: I must “fix and direct” if things are to go right for me and if I am going to be secure and at peace. (I must control interactions and circumstances.)

TRUTH: God will work all things together for me if I love Him and am called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). He is faithful and will cause it to happen (1 Thessalonians 5:24). God works His will in the army of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth (Daniel 4:35); God will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8).

12. MYTH: I must be the best to find worth and security.

TRUTH: The least shall be the greatest (Luke 9:48). God is my worth, security, my shield and Fortress (See #17; Proverbs 2:7b). Safety is of the Lord (Proverbs 21:31; Jeremiah 16:19).

13. MYTH: Emotions represent truth.

TRUTH: Jesus Christ said He is the Truth. Emotions do not represent truth and are not to be trusted (John 14:6).

14. MYTH: My peace is tied to my spouse’s and/or others’ opinions and to my being treated fairly. To be fulfilled, I am entitled to my spouse treating me the way the Lord commands him/her to.

TRUTH: Jesus Christ is my peace and gives me peace (John 14:2). I am in perfect peace as my mind is fixed on Him. As I humble myself, I’ll enjoy peace (Psalm 37:11; Isaiah 26:3 See #32, 37).

15. MYTH: Husbands and wives should complete each other.

TRUTH: Each has been made complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10).

16. MYTH: Others and losses are responsible for my pain. My emotional peace, or lack of it, is somebody else’s fault (or responsibility).

TRUTH: I am responsible to receive and walk in the healing, recovery, comfort, peace and restoration from Christ (Isaiah 61:1a-3; 58:8a; 54:1-14; Psalm 23:3).

17. MYTH: I must prove I am right to know I am of worth.

TRUTH: Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; #9, #10, Psalm 139:13-18), I am chosen, righteous, holy, a saint: a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 Peter 2:9; 1 Corinthians 1:2).

18. MYTH: I can’t help being depressed and without hope if my circumstances don’t change.

TRUTH: Christ gives me hope and a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness (Romans 15:13; Psalm 16:11, 27:14, 31:24; Isaiah 61:3). Hope is not based on circumstances, but is only in Christ (1 Timothy 1:1; Colossians 1:27; Romans 15:13).

19. MYTH: I must explain, justify and defend myself. I must please my spouse and/or others to avoid rejection and find acceptance.

TRUTH: Christ is my defender and my justifier (Romans 5:1; Colossians 3:3; Isaiah 54:17; Psalm 91:11; Acts 13:39). God will make my enemies to be at peace with me when my way pleases Him (Proverbs 16:7).

20. MYTH: I must live under the burden of guilt if another isn’t okay or if I have failed or sinned.

TRUTH: There is no condemnation to me as I walk after the Spirit. Christ came to make me perfect in my conscience (John 3:18; Romans 8:1; Hebrews 9:9, 14). I am forgiven of all my sins (Colossians 2:13).

21. MYTH: I can’t be okay unless I can trust my loved one.

TRUTH: I must put no confidence in human flesh (Philippians 3:3).

22. MYTH: What I do makes me who I am.

TRUTH: Birth determines my identity. I have been made a new creation by my new birth. The old me died with Christ (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 5:17).

23. MYTH: I must live in shame from abuse in my early years. It affects my life and I can’t get over it.

TRUTH: As I trust Christ, I will forget the same of my youth. Instead of shame, He will give me double honor. He came to heal my broken heart and give beauty for ashes. He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. My recovery will spring forth quickly (Isaiah 58:8a; Isaiah 61:1a, 3, 7; 54:4-8). Jesus said we have sorrow, but he gives us truth which brings healing and freedom (John 16:6-7).

24. MYTH: My emotional security is based on my maintaining my structure and on connectedness with my spouse and/or my significant others.

TRUTH: Christ is my strong tower, etc. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). He will establish, strengthen, and settle me (1 Peter 5:10). He is my shield (Psalm 18:1-3).

25. MYTH: I am inadequate.

TRUTH: I have been made adequate (2 Corinthians 3:5-6). I can do all things through Christ. I am complete in Him (Colossians 2:10; Philippians 4:13). He makes me adequate to do His will (Hebrews 13:21; See #34).

26. MYTH: I can’t have any peace or contentment if my loved one doesn’t change.

TRUTH: Christ is my peace. He gives me peace (John 14:27). When I cease from my own way, I have rest (Hebrews 4:10). Peace is mine through Christ (John 14:27). When I humble myself, I will delight in an abundance of peace (Psalm 37:11).

27. MYTH: I can’t help being anxious when the future is uncertain.

TRUTH: As I humble myself and cast my fears on God, He will exalt me in due time (1 Peter 5:6, 7). I am to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6). God will preserve and sustain me as I trust Him (Psalm 16:8a, 9, 11b; Psalm 23:4). The Lord preserves those who love Him (Psalm 3:23; 145:2; Proverbs 2:8). I am not to be afraid for I dwell in the shelter of the Most High God (Psalm 91:1,5,6,10; Psalm 18:1-3). I am not to be troubled nor fearful (John 14:27).

28. MYTH: I cannot be happy if I do not get my needs of worth and security met by my spouse or another.

TRUTH: See all the above. He shall supply ALL my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

29. MYTH: If I am treated unfairly, it makes me a doormat.

TRUTH: Even though trials and unfairness will come to all, the Lord has made me who I am (#31; #2). Those reviling my good behavior shall be put to shame (1 Peter 3:17). As I walk in righteousness, no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17).

30. MYTH: The Lord has never cared enough about me to answer my prayers.

TRUTH: If I abide in Him, I can ask and it will be given (John 15:7). If I ask and don’t receive in God’s timing, I have asked with the wrong motive (James 4:2, 3; 1 John 3:22; 5:14).

31. MYTH: If the Lord wanted good things for me, He wouldn’t have allowed so much loss and pain.

TRUTH: Tribulation and trials will come to all, beginning with God’s people. But Christ has overcome these things on my behalf (1 Peter 1:6; 4:12, John 16:33). He has plans for my good and desires to satisfy me with good things (Jeremiah 29:11; Psalm 103:5a). After I have experienced a trial, trusting Him, He will establish, strengthen and perfect me (1 Peter 5:10).

32. MYTH: If the Lord cared about me, He would give me a person to fill my loneliness—make me complete and fulfilled. I need a person to complete me.

TRUTH: I will remain lonely unless I die to my own way of trying to make things work for me (John 12:24). He wants to fill me and my loneliness with Himself. I am to find my completeness in Christ (Colossians 3:3, Ephesians 5:17, 18).

33. MYTH: I must see that others pay for the wrongs they have done against me.

TRUTH: God will avenge, vindicate me. I must release others from what they owe so that I won’t suffer tormenting emotions (Romans 12:19; Hebrews 10:30, 31; Matthew 18:23-24).

34. MYTH: I don’t have the power to love and serve.

TRUTH: When I cease my own trying and trust Him, Christ is faithful and He will do it. He gives me the victory. It is not by my power, nor strength, but His Spirit that I accomplish (1 Thessalonians 5:24; 1 Corinthians 15:57; Zechariah 4:6). I can do all things through Christ who is my strength. The Lord will accomplish that which concerns me (Psalm 138:8; Philippians 4:13).

35. MYTH: My worth and value should come from hard work and responsibility.

TRUTH: My value and worth are only found in who Christ has made me—not in my performance. Christ has made me accepted in Him (Ephesians 1:6; Psalm 139:13-18). My confidence is to be in the Lord, not myself (Proverbs 3:26; 14:26). I am to put no confidence in my flesh (Philippians 3:3).

36. MYTH: My security and value should come from my loved one protecting and providing for me or doing certain things for me.

TRUTH: The Lord in me is my provider, my security, my worth. He preserves me as I walk in faith (Psalm 31:23; 145:20; 97:10; Proverbs 2:8; also see #17, #4).

37. MYTH: I should find significance from another’s love, appreciation and acceptance. I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be emotionally okay.

TRUTH: See #35. I’m not entitled to others meeting my needs. My needs are to be met in Christ. I am complete in Him. He will fill me (Philippians 4:19; Colossians 2:10; Ephesians 5:17, 18).

38. MYTH: Satisfaction and fulfillment should come from my marital partner.

TRUTH: The Lord will satisfy my hungry soul as I walk in Him (Isaiah 58:10). He will fill me with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:17, 18).

39. MYTH: I am not blessed if God doesn’t give me the things I want, according to my reason and timing. Things must go my way for me to be happy and satisfied.

TRUTH: God’s ways are higher than my ways. He is in control and works all things together for my good if I love Him and am called according to His purpose. As I trust God and do not lean on my own understanding, He will direct my paths (Proverbs 3:5; Romans 8:28). He has plans for my good, to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). Only He knows the times and seasons under His authority.

40. MYTH: I must earn any good thing to enjoy from God.

TRUTH: He has freely given me all things to enjoy. I am justified freely by His grace (Romans 3:24; 1 Corinthians 2:12; 1 Timothy 6:17; Matthew 10:8).

41. MYTH: I must have everyone’s love and approval to feel good about myself and be okay emotionally.

TRUTH: See #35, 37, 38. I can’t count on others approval for meeting my needs of worth, validation and significance. These needs are met in Christ.

42. MYTH: I must struggle to surrender or put away the flesh (my old “survival strategies”).

TRUTH: I must not try to put them away. If my mind is set on the Spirit, I will enjoy life and peace. When I just cease from my own works, then I will have rest and peace. When I just cease from my own words, then I will have rest and peace. When I abide in Christ, I will have joy (John 15:11; Hebrews 4:10). As I walk after the Spirit, (abiding and focusing on the Spirit) I won’t fulfill the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16).

43. MYTH: Life must be fair for me to be calm. I am a victim and cannot be okay until I am no longer victimized.

TRUTH: Life is not fair. Trials and injustices will come to all. I enter into Christ’s victory as I take up my trial (cross) daily and deny myself. I cannot follow Christ unless I do this. Calmness and peace are found only in Christ (See #31, #14, Matthew 16:24, 14:33.)

44. MYTH: My childhood issues must be dealt with before I can be okay.

TRUTH: My issues have been dealt with because I have died with Christ and am a new creation. I am okay when I recognize that He has given me the Victory and cease from my struggling (See #34, #22, Hebrews 4:10).

45. MYTH: If I punish my spouse or others, then they will love me and give me what I need.

TRUTH: I will eat the fruit of my own way. I will reap what I sow. If I sow to the flesh, I will reap corruption! As I am unselfish and love my spouse and others (sow to the Spirit), I will reap that eternal life of Christ’s sufficiency for me (Matthew 5:46; Galatians 6:7, 8; Proverbs 1:31).

46. MYTH: Love must be earned. I must please God and/or others to be loved and accepted. I must know I am loved by and important to another to be okay.

TRUTH: God loved me when I was a sinner. He freely gives me all things to enjoy. He has made me accepted in Him. I do not have to have acceptance from a person for my needs to be met. Love is my sacrifice of my old survival strategies; it is not “getting.” ALL my needs are met in Christ (See #40, #2, John 15:13; Philippians 4:19).

47. MYTH: I should not have adversity or opposition in life, relationships or marriage.

TRUTH: See #29, #31. I know that trials come to all, and I should not be surprised when they come. God allows them to happen so that I won’t depend on myself but on God (2 Corinthians 1:9).

48. MYTH: Others are to blame (are responsible) for how I feel. It is someone’s fault. I am a victim.

TRUTH: I am responsible for me (see #3). He came to restore and heal my broken soul (Luke 4:18. See also #16, 18, 26, 45).

49. MYTH: Things must go for my way for me to be fulfilled and satisfied.

TRUTH: See #37, 38, 39. Fulfillment only comes from the Lord. He will fill me with His Spirit. He will satisfy my hungry soul and quench my thirst (John 4:14).

The above worksheet is something that the author, Anne Trippe, who specializes in marriage and family counseling, uses when she works with married couples. It is featured in the book, Marriage! The Journey, published by Essence Publishing, www.essencegroup.com. This book is unique in that “the focus is on learning to rely on the indwelling Christ to live out His life within marriage rather than relying on one’s learned strategies, religious formulas and traditional marriage building principles found in many Christian books and seminars.”

This book is written after many years of counseling hurting couples and is a follow-up to the 16-week course, Understanding Your Journey to Freedom in Marriage. You will read of the experiences of several couples caught up in various cycles of conflict. As you read of their stories and the advice that Anne shares you’ll have the opportunity to gain from the wisdom and insight she gives them. She believes, and you’ll have the opportunity to learn, “God’s design for marriage is not only for happiness but to bring us to holiness and maturity in Christ.”

The first couple, Mike and Gloria, had pretty much everything the world had to offer. Mike had an extremely good job. They had a nice home, two new cars, and a couple of healthy kids. They were living the American dream. They both were Christians and faithfully attended a local, Bible-believing church.

But all was not perfect in paradise. Far from it. Mike and Gloria had an ingrained pattern of bickering. They squabbled frequently and kept up a steady stream of snide, critical comments. Their inability to resolve conflicts was taking a toll on their relationship. They weren’t having fun anymore. Romance was practically nonexistent, and sex was boring. Spiritually, they had no passion. They went to church but didn’t get much out of it. They were not happy but didn’t know what to do about it.

Gloria made the first move to change things. She went to a women’s conference and came back convicted of the need to get involved in evangelism. She shared with Mike her burden to bring others to Christ and asked him to consider joining her in this new endeavor. Over the course of two weeks, they discussed it and prayed about it. Then they acted.

They joined a ministry team that called on non-Christian married couples and singles who were new to the church. Every Wednesday evening, they called on these people together. They built relationships and led others to Christ. But Mike and Gloria didn’t stop there. They also reached out to unsaved neighbors and started conversations about Jesus Christ. They began a weekly Bible study for spiritual seekers in their home. When they led others to Christ, they followed up with several months of discipleship. They couldn’t believe how much fun it was bringing people into the kingdom of God.

Mike and Gloria’s service for Christ changed their spiritual lives. They were once again excited about their Christian faith and grew by leaps and bounds—individually and as a couple. Their service also changed their marriage. They developed a level of camaraderie and friendship that they hadn’t had for years. In fact, they had never been so close. They stopped their continual bickering. The joy of bringing others to Christ—together—helped them put the love and intimacy back into their marriage.

The second couple, Bob and Susie, also needed something to get their marriage back on track. Their communication had been poor for years. They just couldn’t seem to connect on a deep level. All they talked about was the house, their jobs, and the kids. Bob was a stick—unemotional, rational, unreachable. He didn’t like to listen to a woman talk and share a bunch of feelings and details. Unfortunately for Bob, that’s what Susie does (and most women do) in conversation. Susie wanted closeness with Bob but couldn’t get him to open up.

There were also some serious sexual problems in the marriage. Their lack of emotional intimacy led to stale, infrequent sex. A huge part of the problem was Bob’s addiction to pornography. He had rented X-rated movies for years and recently had begun using the Internet late at night to feed his lust. When Susie found out what he was doing, she was disgusted and deeply hurt.

Bob and Susie attended church and served regularly in their own individual areas. But they had never served God together. That all changed one night when their pastor asked them to temporarily fill a slot on the junior high ministry team. They reluctantly agreed, making it clear that they would stay only for a month or two. It’s been five years now, and they’re still on the team.

Bob and Susie fell in love with the junior high kids. They opened their home for youth group Bible studies, parties, and for anybody who had a problem and needed to talk. They taught these kids. They played and prayed with them. They even led a group of twenty-five youth on a short-term mission trip to Mexico . On the trip, God gave them a taste of His awesome power and incredible grace. They saw villagers hungry for the love of Jesus. They saw great poverty and great needs. They saw miracles. They saw God produce new spiritual maturity in the kids’ lives and in their own lives.

Bob and Susie fell in love with Jesus again, and they fell in love with each other again. They expected to teach the group members a few things about God, life, and relationships. Instead, God used the group to teach Bob and Susie many things. Serving together forced them to talk about deeper issues: the kids, ministry plans, and God’s desires for the youth group. They prayed together often—for the strength to keep serving, for the individual kids and their needs, and for God to make clear what He wanted them to learn from the experience.

Their service helped Bob and Susie break through the barriers that blocked their communication. Bob began to open up and share his personal thoughts and feelings. His closer walk with Jesus gave him the confidence and power to address his addiction to pornography. He went to counseling, joined a sexual addiction group, and made real progress in defeating this problem. Susie warmed up and began to respond to Bob with a kind of love and gentleness she hadn’t shown in years. They both said that their marriage was more intimate and enjoyable than it ever had been.

Team Up For Christ
These are true stories about real people. I know these two couples personally. They have three things in common. First, they’re serving Jesus Christ together. Second, they have strong, vibrant spiritual bonds. Third, they have dynamic, growing marriages. The passion they have for serving the Lord flows into their marriages. I have learned a valuable lesson from watching their lives: You reap amazing benefits when you team up as a couple for Christ.

I could tell you stories of dozens of couples who have teamed up in dedicated Christian service. As I travel for my speaking ministry, I have the privilege of meeting married couples serving in a wide variety of ministries. These spouses are on fire for Jesus, and it shows. You can see it in their eyes and hear it in the way they talk. These folks are on to something—something big. It’s something that all of us need in our marriages.

Serving God together as a team brings you closer spiritually in a unique way. Consider Aquila and Priscilla, that dynamic duo in the early church. There are several references in the New Testament to their helpfulness and the impressive things they did in service to Christ. (See: Acts 18, Romans 16:3-4, and 1 Corinthians 16:19)

Aquila and Priscilla were sold out to Jesus Christ. They walked alongside Paul (literally and figuratively) and supported his ministry. It’s no coincidence that they are always mentioned together in Scripture. What an effective team!

Pick a Place to Serve and Jump In
One of the best places to serve God is the local church. The church is God’s chosen vehicle to change the world. It’s not so important what you do as long as you do something together. There are many different areas of service in the church: nursery, teaching Sunday school (elementary, youth, adult), evangelism, discipleship, visitation, music, greeters, mentoring, and so on. Talk to your pastor, pray about it, ask some friends where they think you two could be effective… and then go for it.

There are also many excellent para-church and community-based ministries: Campus Crusade for Christ, the Navigators, Promise Keepers, Family Life Conferences, Prison Fellowship Ministries, Young Life, homeless shelters, and crisis pregnancy centers. Going on a short-term mission trip is another way to spiritually energize your marriage.

Sandy and I have teamed up in a number of ministry areas throughout our married life. For example, we taught first and second graders at our church for years. (Okay, Sandy taught. I handled crowd control and participated in the activities. But we were still involved together.) Those years we spent leading the Sunday school classes helped us build a strong and intimate marital foundation.

Together, we saw God answer many prayer requests for the kids. We saw boys and girls learn about the Bible and how to love Jesus more. We found out about problems occurring in families, and we were able to provide practical help. I remember a number of children who faced serious problems in their homes: no dad present, parents divorcing, an alcoholic parent, a mom or dad with a life-threatening illness. God used Sandy and me to make a difference in the lives of these troubled kids and their families.

It has been exciting to watch the little kids we had in our class grow into young adults. It does make me feel old when one of our former students says, “Wow, Dr. Clarke, is that you? You used to be so… so … young. What happened?” But it’s still a thrill to know that God used us as a couple to influence lives for Christ.

Since Sandy and I have four children of our own, we can’t serve God together as much as we used to or as much as we wish we could. But we try to join in ministry at least once a year. It may be for a one-time special project. It may be to chaperon the youth group on a few outings. It may be to teach Sunday school or serve in the nursery for a couple months. We gladly offer what time and energy we have, knowing we’re serving the Lord and contributing to the spiritual intimacy of our marriage…

…Every married couple I talk to who serves Christ together tells me that it brings them closer in a way that words can’t describe. Being more intimate isn’t the main reason you should team up in ministry. You do it primarily to obey the Bible and please God. But a wonderful by-product is a new depth and closeness in your marriage.

The above article comes from the book, A Marriage after God’s Own Heart, by David Clarke, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. This book teaches men and women in a committed relationship how to pray together, create “spiritual conversations,” read and study Scripture together, hold private worship sessions, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide them. It’s extremely practical counsel all couples need today.

As the author, Christian psychologist Dr. David Clarke says, “Spiritual bonding is the process by which a couple cultivates the presence of God in their relationship, and it’s the only ‘glue’ that sustains relationships long-term.” Working with hundreds of couples, Clarke observes that when we take specific steps to keep God at the center of our relationships, every area of intimacy is energized.

Personal worship is an absolute necessity for a strong marriage. It comes down to this: If I stop receiving from God, I start demanding from others. Instead of appreciating and loving and serving others, I become aware of her shortcomings, I take out my frustrations with a less-than-perfect life and somehow blame her for my lack of fulfillment.

But when my heart gets filled by God’s love and acceptance, I’m set free to love instead of worrying about being loved. I’m motivated to serve instead of becoming obsessed about whether I’m being served. I’m moved to cherish instead of feeling unappreciated.

Madeline complains about a lack of spiritual intimacy in her relationship with her husband, Martin. “He’s never been what you might call a spiritual leader,” she says, and this has become almost an obsession for her — as though her own spiritual health depends on her husband suddenly becoming mature.

“Did Teresa of Avila have a spiritual leader?” I asked her. “Madame Guyon? Mother Teresa of Calcutta? What about the countless widows who now pursue God on their own? Were — and are — their lives empty simply because they aren’t married to a spiritually mature man?”

Tim is upset because his wife never initiates physical intimacy. Like Madeleine, he’s become fixated on one issue of his marriage, so that he can hardly even pray — which makes him feel even more emotionally dependent on the sexual intimacy he’s not getting. “Tim,” I said, “I remember praying with a husband whose wife was in the last stages of severe multiple sclerosis. It had been years since they could enjoy anything even approximating normal sexual relations. Do you think God has wired this world in such a way that her husband has no chance to be happy and fulfilled because his wife can’t initiate — or even perform?”

Tim had expected me to preach only to his wife, not to him. “In fact,” I added “he found great joy in taking care of her — and that meant cleaning out a bedpan on a regular basis.”

Certainly, spiritual intimacy and sexual relations are legitimate desires, but you know what? Whenever I place my happiness in the hands of another human being, I’m virtually guaranteeing some degree of disappointment. It can be a frivolous as a barista not getting my chai at Starbucks just the way I like it, or it can be as profound as some pastor I really admire falling into sin.

That’s why worship sets me free. It meets my most basic need — to rest in the fact that I am known and loved, that I have a purpose, and that my eternal destiny and delight are secure — so that lesser needs (including spiritual companionship and sexual desires) serve the role of an occasional dessert rather than my main meal.

It’s simply not fair to ask your spouse to fulfill you. No one can. If you expect your spouse to be God for you, your spouse will fail every day and on every account. Not only that, should your disappointment lead you to divorce, your second, third, and even fourth spouses will fail you too!

Only one can love you like God, with a perfect, constantly steady, and giving love — and that is God himself. When the “one thing” we seek is to dwell in God’s house, to gaze upon His beauty, and to seek Him in His temple, our soul’s sense of desperate need is met in our heavenly Father’s arms. Then we leave this temple and find tremendous joy in giving, in loving, and in serving rather than in keeping close accounts as to whether we’re being loved or being served.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve seen a constant formula at work in my life: the less I receive from God, the more I demand from my wife; the more I demand from my wife; the more I receive from God, the more I am set free to give to my wife.

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to fill your soul with God. Start defining disappointment with your spouse as spiritual hunger, a cosmic call to worship. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but it is limited. It can’t replace God. Don’t ask it to.

The above article is one of the 52 devotionals that you can find in the excellent book, DEVOTIONS FOR A SACRED MARRIAGE… A Year of Weekly Devotions for Couples — by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com. This is by far our favorite devotional book for married couples! It explores how God can reveal Himself to your through your marriage and help you to grow closer to Him as well as to your spouse. It has 52 devotions in it and even though it has all new material in it, it’s based on another of Gary Thomas’ books (which we highly recommend) Sacred Marriage. It originated because so many people requested a follow-up book to Sacred Marriage and gives a different yet compatible perspective on this subject encouraging you to build your marriage around God’s priorities. We can’t recommend it highly enough! Gary Thomas has a great way of helping you to see the holiness of marriage in a way like no other author explains it. We truly hope you’ll obtain it for yourself.

Yet when I discuss this topic in conferences or on my radio program [which you can access on the internet at www.HomeWord.com], many people say with almost a far-off yearning look, “I wish my spouse and I were closer spiritually.” It’s not going to happen without a plan.

To quote one of my favorite movies, What About Bob?, it will best be done with “baby steps.” It is very rare for a relationship to move from lacking spiritually to strong growth overnight. It takes nurturing and pruning over time to have a beautiful garden; in the same way, it takes time and careful cultivation to grow toward spiritual intimacy. And it won’t happen by osmosis. It will happen when one or both of the spouses start by planting the seeds of spiritual growth.

You can start the process by praying daily for your spouse and your relationship. Paul’s advice to Timothy was to “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Timothy 4:7). I’m not talking about hours of prayer, but simply a daily time (however short) to pray for your spouse’s needs and seek God’s will for how you can serve your spouse will make a difference. As you pray, look for an opportunity to create a plan. The old adage “Fail to plan, plan to fail” is so true when couples desire to experience spiritual growth together.

Pray Together
If your spouse is open to it, pray together daily. If your spouse isn’t very spiritually motivated then keep prayer very short and do it at a meal or another time that seems less intimidating. I know one couple who started praying together every day with the wife simply saying, “God, thank you for our food. “Thank you so much for Jack. Help us to be a God-honoring couple and family. Amen.”

One day, after months of that prayer, Jack said, “Let me pray, too.” He said, “God I’m not much of a pray-er but I agree with Janet, and thanks for Janet’s heart for you. Amen, again!” After a while the kids got involved too. After a year Jack and Janet were feeling more comfortable praying together.

Our pastor made an amazing statement one day in church. He said, “I have never seen one couple go through with a divorce after praying together, on their knees, every day for a month.” Praying together is the glue that binds our hearts together and focuses us on God’s power in our marriage and family. The mistake some couples make is that they start with goals that are too high, and they expect too much too soon. Praying together is a bit like going to the gym. We may be excited about getting started on a physical fitness program, but the long-lasting results happen only after time and discipline.

The Swiss psychiatrist Dr Paul Tournier wrote:

It’s only when a husband and wife pray together before God that they find the secret of true harmony: that the difference in their temperaments, their ideas, and their tastes enriches their home instead of endangering it. When each of the marriage partners seeks quietly before God to see his own faults, recognizes his sin, and asks for the forgiveness of the other, marital problems are no more. They learn to become absolutely honest with each other. This is the price to be paid if partners very different from each other are to combine their gifts instead of setting them against each other.

Praying together can bring about spiritual intimacy and it can also restore a broken marriage. Praying together can strengthen a marriage that is lacking in communication and intimacy. It is certainly worth a try. The saying is true: “Couples, who pray together, stay together.”

Worship Together Regularly
The Scripture teaches us that the Lord inhabits the praises of his people (Psalm 22:3 KJV). If you want the Lord to inhabit your relationship, then a natural ingredient is worshiping together. Unfortunately, some couples don’t have the benefit of worshiping together. Perhaps one works or just won’t go to church. This is an area to keep on your prayer list; look for ways to find meaning together when you can.

I know of a husband who agreed to go to church with his wife once a month. Instead of nagging or condemning about the other three weeks, she made a big deal out of that one morning a month by serving fun food and turning it into a pleasurable event. Within the year he was going most Sundays. Today, after many years, he is a leader in their church. Set the tone for a good experience. Pray for God’s Spirit to inhabit your worship.

Develop a Regular Spiritual Growth Time Together
It isn’t easy to discipline yourselves as a couple to spend regular time together focusing on your spirituality. Even though Cathy and I speak and write on this subject, we have struggled throughout the thirty-one years of our marriage in this area. We have tried reading books together and doing Bible study booklets. We have listened to CDs and watched videos together on spiritual growth. We have tried to have a daily time and weekly time to focus on our spiritual growth. Like so many others, it hasn’t always worked for us.

We always meant well, but it just didn’t seem to last. Finally we found something that worked for us. We call it our Weekly Time. It’s really rather simple, and for some it may be too short, but it has worked for us. We have shared it with thousands of people and some are now actually more faithful at it than we are. It started from our need to focus together spiritually, but we didn’t want to just do another Bible study or devotional. Both Cathy and I are disciplined with our own daily devotional time, and adding one more devotional as a couple just wasn’t working. That’s when we came up with the following:

Jim and Cathy’s Weekly Time

• Devotional time of the week
• Greatest joy of the week
• Greatest struggle of the week
• An affirmation
• A wish or a hope
• Physical goals
• Prayer
• Book of the month

We decided to take the pressure off of meeting more often than once a week, and just share with each other what we had been learning from our own time with the Lord. Sometimes that takes a few minutes and other times it is a bit deeper. Then we move to the greatest joy of the week. For Cathy, it is almost always something about one of our kids. For me, it might be about our kids or a ministry experience.

We then share our greatest struggle. Yes, there have been times when Cathy has said, “The greatest struggle of the week is you, Jim!” Then we may have a conversation about the struggle before we can move back into our devotional time.

We each share an affirmation about the other. Next, it’s a wish or a hope we share. I don’t remember why we added that section, but it is a catch-all for good conversation. When Cathy’s father was near death, we talked about her relationship with him. Other times it has been a hope for a vacation weekend. Then we deal with our physical goals. Since Scripture is clear that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), we try to work on our physical goals. If you were looking at both Cathy and me in person, you would see that she does a better job in this area than I do! However, that weekly checkup is a very good accountability factor for both of us.

Then we pray. Lately we have spent some time praying on our knees. It is a time of drawing close to God, and it has also become a time of drawing closer together. I love this time of communication. There is nothing magical about this spiritual exercise, but it works for us. The important issue is to find something that works for both you and your spouse. You’ll also notice above that I included “book of the month” as one of the points under our plan. It is a great idea. We tried it, and it didn’t work for us. But maybe when life slows down a bit, we’ll find it helpful.

Other Ideas
As we looked at refreshing our marriage spiritually I mentioned that we all need a plan. When a couple is living with the same set of blueprints, they do so much better. The above ideas are a major part of Cathy’s and my plan. You’ll want to create your own. It has to work for you and for your situation. I know couples who have taken five-hour solo /Sabbath time regularly to rest, pray, read inspirational literature, hike, and then come back together to talk about their experience. They do it almost every week. Sure it takes time, but by the looks of their marriage it’s definitely worth the investment.

Another couple I know plans two retreats a year. One of the retreats they do is a getaway together. They go away to a cabin in the mountains or a place at the beach. At different times they have read books together, listened to tapes, or followed a Bible study booklet. Their time together is spent taking extended time to walk, rest, pray, relate, and focus on their marriage and their yearly goals. They also participate in one retreat a year with other couples. They attend a marriage conference or go to a retreat center where the topic is marriage and family.

These are some of the people we would consider “mentors” in our lives. They do really well in the area of spiritual intimacy because they invest heavily in their marriage. Another couple I know reads at least one book a year together on marriage. They got started doing this because in the business world he was reading about three books a year on his specific business to keep up with his line of work. One day it dawned on him that he had never read even one marriage book to help keep his marriage in shape, so as a couple they instituted the “once-a-year book plan.” They choose the book together and then plan when they are going to read it. One year they went on a long driving trip and read a book on sexuality out loud to each other during the trip.

Spiritual growth and intimacy is like anything else. It takes time and commitment. It is more about training than trying, and just like the Scripture says, you will reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-8). Don’t shortchange yourself or your spouse by not focusing on spiritual intimacy. At the end of your life you won’t be focused on your IRA retirement plan, the kind of house you live in, or what your bank account looks like. You will be interested in a right relationship with God and a right relationship with your loved ones. Since that is doing relationships with an eternal perspective, why not start sooner rather than later?

The above article is edited from the book, Creating an Intimate Marriage, by Jim Burns, published by Bethany House Publishers www.bethanyhouse.com. (There’s a lot more in this particular chapter, plus the whole book, that you could benefit from reading but we didn’t want to give you all of the information because of copyright privileges, plus we hope that by reading what you have you’ll be inspired to obtain the book for yourself.) There’s even an audio version available if that fits in better with your lifestyle. As author Jim Burns says,

“My hope and prayer is that the words in this book will bring as much healing and health to your relationship as they have to mine. If there is anything we can do at [the ministry of] Home Word to come alongside your marriage and your parenting, do not hesitate to contact us at www.HomeWord.com.” He goes on to say, “One of the phrases that I have to remember as a speaker and writer is that ‘people learn best when they communicate, not when I communicate.’ With this thought in mind, I have created a section at the end of every chapter that will help you ask and answer questions that will cause you to go deeper in your relationship with your spouse and within your own life as well. I really encourage you to take time to read the chapters together and then answer the questions. There is a set of set of questions for you alone to answer (Questions for Me), and one for your and your spouse to answer together (Questions for Us). A final set of questions are to help you put into practice some of the principles taught within that chapter.”

As you read the above verses you can see that marriage, where a man leaves his former family and becomes one flesh with his wife — forming a new union, is important to God. After-all, the marriage is a mystery where for some profound reason God has decided to make it into a living picture of Christ and the church. What a privilege! And yet, what a responsibility! That makes marriage more about God than it is about us.

As we live out our marriages, we display Christ’s love for the church to each other and to those who are a part of our lives — which should motivate us to live out a “purpose-driven” marriage.

For this reason, we have provided a link below to the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, which takes you to an article written by Pastor Rick Warren on the subject of living out a Purpose Driven marriage.

Pastor Rick writes, that he and his wife may not have a “perfect marriage” — can you relate? However, he says, “Kay and I do have is a marriage centered on Christ, specifically focused on glorifying God. We remain committed to each other because we remain committed to Christ and his work within us.”

To read more on what he means by this, click on the link below:

• The Purpose-Driven Marriage

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Marriage is a sacred covenant designed and blessed by God. In marriage, God joins two persons into one (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8). Originally, marriage (and family) was created by God to reflect His image in humanity. Because of humanity’s fall into sin, marriage (and family) exists to magnify the worth, excellence, and glory of God in restoring His image in humanity through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

In short, human marriage exists to preach the gospel of God (1 Timothy 1:11). God intends every human marriage to re-present the divine marriage of God to the new, redeemed humanity (the Church, Christ’s bride — see Ephesians 5:22-32; Revelation 19:7-10 and Revelation 21:9-27) through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Edited from an article featured in Family Life Today web site www.familylife.com titled: Overview: The Christian Marriage Covenant)

The most widely accepted ideas of “what the Bible says” about marriage all agree upon one important point: marriage is a covenant of lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, not a contract which is subject to early termination. Certainly marriage involves contractual aspects such as compromise, bargaining, and many meetings of the minds over time, consideration, terms and conditions. But it involves much more.

It does not have a fixed period of time like most contracts. It is for life. It is not based solely on mutuality, but instead involves the agreement to sacrifice, persevere in love, remain steadfast in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, sharing the good and the bad, the joys and the pains.

Marriage as a covenant, therefore, should not be seen as a contract that can be broken or set aside simply upon the mutual consent of spouses or upon the consent of one spouse because of irreconcilable differences or a breakdown in the relationship that leaves one or both feeling hopeless.

This is so because not only are two spouses involved and often times children as well, but God is at the center of Christian and Jewish marriages. (From an article featured in Family Life Today web site www.familylife.com titled: What is Covenant Marriage)

Marriage is a model of Christ and the church. There are at least three reasons:

1. This lifts marriage out of the sordid sitcom images and gives it the magnificent meaning God meant it to have;
2. This gives marriage a solid basis in grace, since Christ obtained and sustains his bride by grace alone; and
3. This shows that the husband’s headship and the wife’s submission are crucial and crucified. That is, they are woven into the very meaning of marriage as a display of Christ and the church, but they are both defined by Christ’s self-denying work on the cross so that their pride and slavishness are canceled.

(Pastor John Piper) For more of an explanation, please click onto the following links to either listen to or read 3 separate sermons:

• Staying in Marriage is Not About Staying in Love – Part 1
• Staying in Marriage is Not About Staying in Love – Part 2
• Marriage: God’s Showcase of Covenant-Keeping Grace

The following is wording for the “Oneness Covenant” -distributed by Family Life Today www.familylife.com which defines what they believe to be what God asks of us as we marry. This Covenant Contract is signed by the husband and wife and witnesses. It says:

“In consideration of God’s purposes for marriage as set forth below, we hereby agree to the following commitment:

• Whereas, our holy union is a state of fellowship that can be maintained only by mutual submission to the control and power of the Holy Spirit by faith;

• Our holy union is a trinity: husband, wife, and Jesus Christ;

• Our holy union affects God’s reputation;

• Our holy union is an acceptable offering to God, performed on our part by the exercising of faith in Him;

• God uses our holy union as a strategic battle formation in His spiritual warfare with the prince of this world, Satan, and his fallen angels;

• God has established our holy union for His purposes; that is to:

— Mirror His image — Mutually complete one another — Multiply a godly heritage

• God has outlined a blueprint for accomplishing oneness in our holy union; that is to:

— Receive one another as God’s personal provision

— Establish a new independent unit as a couple

— Establish an inseparable bond of commitment to one another

— Establish personal sexual intimacy with one another

— Establish complete transparency by good communication with one another

— Establish appropriate role responsibilities

Now, therefore, be it resolved that we, the undersigned couple, in light of the above truths, forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead and with the intent of allowing God to make our marriage all He wants it to be, do hereby reaffirm our vows of holy matrimony to love, honor, and establish oneness whether in sickness or in health, in poverty or in wealth, until death do us part. Amen.

Legally, marriage is a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. But we must distinguish between legal marriage and covenant marriage. In a legal marriage, if one party does not live up to the contract, then legal actions force them to do so or to end the marriage with an equitable settlement. A society could not exist without laws regulating marriage relationships, so in this sense, marriage is a contract. For a Christian, however, marriage is more; it is a covenant.

Contracts are important— The problem arises when we come to view our marriage only as a contract or a series of contracts. When this happens, we have become totally secular in our thinking and have abandoned the biblical view of marriage. The Bible views marriage ultimately as a covenant although contracts may be an important part of carrying out our covenant.

Contract Characteristics: There are five general characteristics of contracts.

1. Contracts are most often made for a limited period of time.

2. Contracts most often deal with specific actions.

3. Contracts are based on an “If… Then…” mentality.

4. Contracts are motivated by the desire to get something we want.

5. Contracts are sometimes unspoken and implicit.

While marriage is a legal contract to be honored, and informal contracts within marriage often help us effectively use our differing skills to our mutual benefit, Christian marriage is much more than a contract. This “much more” is to be discovered in the word covenant.

Why the term covenant marriage? Because it most clearly denotes the uniqueness of Christian marriage. Covenant is a biblical term. God is a covenant-making God.

(The following are some scriptures that deal with covenants in Scripture: Genesis 6:18; Genesis 17:3-8; Exodus 19:3-6; 2 Samuel 7:12-29; Jeremiah 31; Ezekiel 37; Hosea 2; Matthew 26:28; Luke 22:20; 2 Corinthians 3:6; Galatians 3:15; Hebrews 7:22; Hebrews 8:6; Hebrews 13:20; 1 Samuel 18:1-3; Ruth 1:16-17; Proverbs 2:16-7; Ezekiel 16:8; Malachi 2:14- 16; Matthew 19:4-9.)

Covenant Characteristics:

A covenant, like a contract, is an agreement made between two or more persons, but the nature of the agreement is quite different. 5 characteristics of a covenant relationship:

1. Covenants are initiated for the benefit of the other person.

2. In covenant relationships, people make unconditional promises.

3. Covenant relationships are based on steadfast love.

4. Covenant relationships view commitments as permanent.

5. Covenant relationships require confrontation and forgiveness.

“Marriage is a God-planned creation, individually patterned and woven together to bring happiness and warmth to men and women—and joy and glory to the Creator.” (Shirley Cook from The Marriage Puzzle)

Did you catch those two words: planned and patterned? Planned: The dictionary says a plan is a “detailed method for the accomplishment of an object; a proposed project or goal.”

Patterned: is “an ideal worthy of imitation — a model; a sample.” Plans and patterns are so necessary. But we come to God, the all-important ingredient of marriage. He is the permanent glue that bonds the pieces of the picture puzzle together. After all, marriage is God’s idea from the beginning, all the way through the middle, right to the end. (Shirley Cook from The Marriage Puzzle )

A common definition of marriage: “It is two people seeking a peaceful co-existence together with the hope of obtaining a measure of personal happiness.” This is what people think marriage is —which is a “need-centered” approach to marriage.

A more Biblical definition: Marriage is a man and a woman on a life-long journey together towards God. Marriage is about change —it’s about changing you and also changing your spouse. The purpose of marriage is that God wants to change all of us through it. And what helps us to change is when we begin to see that the hills and the valleys of the problems we live through together reveal the deeper character in our own hearts.

It’s important, from the very beginning, to understand the whole idea of marriage-that it’s not about making us feel good. That’s not why God brought us together. It’s not so you could have your needs met (although needs are met in marriage) but the primary purpose is to change us-to make us more into the image of Christ.

It is in the struggle that makes the journey of living a married life rich. It causes us to cling more deeply to the God who created us and to have the courage to move in ways that makes us very vulnerable. And yet they’re also the ways we were made to bless our spouse as we live our lives displaying the character and values of Christ.” (Pastor Scott Engelman)

In conclusion, we’d like to share with you something we personally wrote on the subject of marriage a while ago. It tells of our passion and mission to help marriages put the heart of Christ back into marriage. In it we reiterate some of the points that were made above but it also makes some additional points that we think are important on this subject.

It talks about the difference between “Covenant Marriages” which seems to be the way that God intended for marriage to be all about in the first place and “Contract Marriages” which is what we’re seeing marriage reduced to more and more in our world today. We pray you will find it to be helpful:

COVENANT MARRIAGES vs. CONTRACT MARRIAGES:

It is our passion to help couples work on their marriages so they are loving and healthy, as God intends for them to be. We personally feel God has given us the ministry of inspiring other couples to put the love of Christ back into the heart of marriage—and with that foundation established, reaching out with the mission of drawing others closer to God because of the love witnessed through our covenantal, Christ-honoring marriages.

We also feel God has given us the message to those who are married that whatever is past is past —particularly if divorce is a part of your past. That’s between you and the Lord. But with the information that we’re giving you, it’s our prayer that “from this day forward”, you’ll work to make the marriage you’re in, a lifetime commitment,‘Till death parts you.”

Our passion to help other couples goes beyond just erasing the “D” word (divorce) from our thoughts, verbiage, and actions—although that’s a great 1st step. Jay Kessler once said, “The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously”. Once you decide that divorce isn’t an even an option, you start finding different (and hopefully, healthier) alternatives to solving the problems you’re facing. It is our mission to help couples commit themselves to go beyond the “Contract Marriages” of today—to instead live out “Covenant Marriages” which is at the heart of God.

Throughout the Bible, marriage is referred to as a living picture, a living example displayed through those who are married of Christ’s love for the church. Christ is the bridegroom (just as the man who marries is to be a living example of the bridegroom), and the church (His people), are the bride of Christ (just as women who marry are to be living examples of the bride of Christ).

Jesus Christ takes very good care of His bride — to the point that He sacrificed His life for her. He also showed us through His example, through His actions, and through His words that He left for us in the Bible, how to love each other in the way He does and we should. As a result God’s loving nature is supposed to show the world by how we treat each other how wonderfully different His love is than theirs so they will want to know His love better and eventually want to come to faith in Jesus Christ. When we enter into marriage we become models of God’s love to each other for the world to see and want to know more about.

The bridegroom (displayed by married men) is to respond to his bride just as Christ does for His church. He is to sacrificially love her in his words and his actions. Christ is then given high visibility and honor and has the opportunity to display His loving nature through this man by how he treats his wife so that others will want to know God more personally. (The husband is to be faithful even if his bride is not. That shows forth the character of Christ in giving unconditional love. It’s an awesome responsibility.) The Holy Spirit is available, when called upon, to teach the man how to do this in his everyday life.

The bride (displayed by married women) is to show her loving respectful ways to God’s loving faithfulness through how she interacts with her husband (the bridegroom) to such an extent that others who don’t know Christ are drawn to the type of love that pours forth from her. Her faithful loving, respectful ways are to stay true despite the husband’s actions. That is also the nature and character of God. And that is part of being in a covenant relationship with God and your marriage partner. You are faithful no matter what— just as God is faithful! The Holy Spirit is also available, when called upon, to teach the woman how to do this in her everyday life.

It’s got to break the heart of God by the awful way we’re treating each other as He watches us distorting the picture of marriage which He has displayed for all to read about throughout the Bible. Think about it, when we, as His living examples of covenantal love, divorce each other, what does this say to the world of God’s promises to the Church of His love, faithfulness and devotion for them?

And what example, what message are we giving out to others of the “transforming power” that God can perform in our lives and marriages, when we, ourselves, don’t even utilize that power? It’s a sad testimony, that marriages today, are so weak and unhealthy, not to mention all the divorcing that’s going on!

We’ve personally known so many people who have expressed a disinterest in knowing Christ because of the nasty ways Christians treat each other and those around them by living unfaithful, dishonest, and dishonoring lives. If we, as people who claim to know Jesus Christ in a personal way can’t act extraordinarily loving and gracious towards each other, what makes others who don’t know Christ think He will change their lives for the better in any way? What will attract them to know Christ in a personal way?

How we pray more people will wake up to this fact and turn their lives around to the glory of God and help others to also do the same!

Recently, we heard of a young couple that had a Covenant contract written out before their wedding ceremony. They signed it during the ceremony and then had each guest also sign it before leaving the church.

The guests, by signing this contract, pledged to pray for this couple and keep them accountable to live in accordance to how a covenant marriage should be modeled. They pledged to make sure that this couple would never break this covenant. What a beautiful and yet practical way to start out a marriage— having God along with others help this newlywed couple forever keep the vows they made to each other.

We need to plug into the help that God can give us in our lives and recognize that our marriages are a mission field-pointing others to the saving, and abiding love of God through Jesus Christ. Does your marriage reflect the message that God will want for the world to read? If not, put your energies into making sure that your marriage points others to Christ’s abiding power.

We need to see marriage as a “one flesh” lifestyle. We’re to be “each other’s helpers spiritually, materially, and physically in every way that the Bible requires us to be.” We pray you will continue to grow in that mind-set as partners instead of turning on each other when you have disagreements with each other’s ways of doing things. It’s only natural to have disagreements. But disagreements can be roads to learn how to find ways to come to agreement and become partners in every aspect of life — getting to know God’s ways of doing things instead of our self-satisfying individual ways.

Legally, marriage is being treated as a contract with certain rights and responsibilities. In a Contract Marriage, if one of the partners doesn’t live up to their end of the contract, then re-negotiations are in order. If an amicable agreement isn’t reached, then the marriage is allowed to end with an “equitable settlement.” So a Contract Marriage is essentially, “You do your part and I’ll do mine,” or else!

A “Covenant Marriage” is more than a Contract Marriage. It goes beyond that. It’s, “I’ll do my part —regardless of whether you do yours or not.”"It’s putting the other person 1st. It assumes a mutual response on the other person’s part, but it’s not conditioned upon the other person’s behavior.”

“In a Covenant Marriage, each spouse is committed to the other’s well-being. If both of them keep the covenant, then BOTH of them will be the benefactors, but the motivation and the attitude isn’t one of self-gratification but rather, giving oneself for the well-being of the other” (Dr Gary Chapman).

A Covenant Marriage is one of teamwork. It commits to “find the best solution to any problem at hand.” Each person is committed to the vow they made to their spouse, (even if their spouse doesn’t live up to their vow), but also are committed to the vow they made to God. They view their actions with their spouse as though everything they do for them is, “as unto the Lord.”

It’s being committed to the vow we made to God; to love and honor the spouse God has given us. We need to know that when we break our vow to our spouse, we’re breaking our vow to God! It’s also realizing that how we treat each other in our marriage, is a witness to everyone we come in contact with what the love of God is all about.

Whether you like it or not, you’re witnessing to your children as you live your married lives in front of them. If you’re Believers, you have all the more responsibility in modeling a loving Christian marriage to them. Do you want them to treat their spouse in the same manner that you treat yours? Do you realize by the everyday choice you make that you’re modeling a Christian marriage, a Christian lifestyle to everyone you come in contact with? Your marriage is on display for others to observe God through.

You witness in many ways. How you treat each other when you’re in public (and in private) is a way of “communicating the gospel without words.” Your marriage is a witness of your love for God and how you honor what He’s told us to keep sacred. Your marriage is a witness of how God can empower and transform those who are His. It is a mission field-pointing others to the saving and abiding love of God through Jesus Christ.

We have a lot of choices to make in our marriages to help them to grow in healthy ways. Our prayer is that you’ll “choose” your spouse everyday, in every way, with your hearts, your minds, and your actions. Remember when you first began to love each other. Remember the strong love and commitment that drew you closer to each other than any other human commitment you’d ever had. And then choose to work that love into practical actions every day with the guidance of the Holy Spirit from this day forward so nothing can divide you.

Steve and Cindy Wright