Spirituality is an important part of marriage, but there are many other things that go into making up a full, vital marriage relationship. Remembering the full circle of marriage is a real challenge; it does not happen by accident.

When I first got saved, Christ, the Bible, the church, and spiritual aspects of life were the only things I thought about. I just became this big spiritual person. I forgot about the rest of my marriage. I kept thinking, “My husband and I really don’t have anything in common. I love the Lord, and he loves the world.”

When he talked about going out and doing something recreational, I didn’t want to go with him. I couldn’t imagine him going anyplace that I would want to go. All of the people that we used to call friends were unsaved, so I didn’t want to be around them anymore. Why would a spouse want to change if the only examples of spirituality were from a wife who was no longer fun to be with?

In addition to the spiritual dimension of marriage, there are also parental, financial, relational, psychological, volitional (which is your will), emotional, physical, recreational, and vocational aspects of the marriage relationship, as well.

Unfortunately, I was stuck on religion and didn’t have time for anything else. I just kept thinking, “If my husband isn’t saved, then the marriage cannot work. If my husband isn’t saved, how can we go out and have fun? What kind of relationship could we have? I don’t know if I should tithe or not tithe. What should I do with my money? Should I ask him for money from his check?” For me, the marriage relationship was almost in a cloud. If it didn’t say religion in front of it or if I couldn’t find a verse for it, then it wasn’t relevant.

When I started to identify basic marriage problems as yoke problems, I also discovered that my problems had more to do with my negative attitude and my approach toward my husband than with his relationship (or lack of relationship) with Christ. The Lord began to deal with me and show me how self-righteous I had become. Then I was able to go back and try to approach my husband again, to ask for forgiveness in certain areas, to try to rebuild our relationship, and to rediscover the other areas of our marriage that did work.

…There is a lot more to marriage than just the religious aspect. you don’t want to get stuck in one place thinking, “Because my husband isn’t saved, nothing else matters.” You can develop intimacy and togetherness in other areas. There are other things that you can do. Remember the full circle of marriage and see where you can expand your relationship. Ask yourself, “What happened to these other areas of my marriage? Do I need to go back and work on some things?”

…It is indeed a high calling to be in an unequally yoked marriage relationship. Not everyone can handle it. Some women say, “when we got married, I didn’t know any better; we weren’t saved.”

To counter this attitude, I often encourage clients to spend more time looking at the things they saw in their husband when they first met him. Take time to remember what attracted you to him in the first place. There was a reason why you got married.

Some people were married because there was a child involved. Maybe you wanted your child to have a father in the home. Even if that was your only reason, many of the characteristics it takes to be a good father are similar to those needed to become a good husband. But now that you have him, regardless of why you have him, you can learn to love and honor him.

When my husband asks me, “Would you marry me again?” the answer is an emphatic “Yes!” I really would. I love the man. I have learned to look beyond his faults the way God looks beyond mine. I have learned to look past all the little things —like picking up clothes (even though he picks up after me). It is those little things that become annoying when they occur on a regular basis and make you think, “Will I ever get through this?”

Instead, I ask God to help me see all that my husband will become. I plan to hang in here until the end, and he knows that. I believe in marriage until death do us part. The key is not to kill each other in the process.

The above article comes from the book, Can Two Walk Together? written by Sabrina D. Black, published by Moody Press. This is a wonderful tool to provide those in unequally yoked relationships with hope and help in dealing with disappointment, hurts, and heartaches. Sabrina Black brings her counseling expertise to bear on this difficult subject, assisting couples with creating and maintaining a vibrant, growing relationship despite their differences. She also has a web site at www.sabrinablack.com.

-ALSO-

To help you further, please click onto the links provided below to read:

• UNBELIEVING SPOUSE

• MARRIED TO AN UNBELIEVING SPOUSE: Shine Your Light

• HOW CAN A WIFE COPE WITH AN UNBELIEVING HUSBAND?

• MARRIED TO AN UNBELIEVER

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

You do all you can to live your life in such a way that your spouse will fall in love with God as you do. But the best thing you can do is to pray for him or her.

We came across a prayer page that could guide you through the scriptures to help you as you pray for your spouse. It comes from “The Prayer Closet Ministries” which transforms lives through intercessory prayers and fasting.

To view what they have on their web site that could help you in your prayer time, please click onto the link below:

•  PRAYING FOR YOUR BELOVED UNBELIEVER

-ALSO-

• 10 IDEAS: PRAYING FOR AN UNBELIEVING SPOUSE

-ALSO-

Below is a link to a web site that has scripture passages that you might find helpful:

•  HOPE FROM GOD’S WORD

When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.

The Bible says in 1 Peter 3 that “if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

Those verses have to be some of the most difficult verses to live by, because it takes such discipline, restraint, faith, and denial of instinctual behavior to live like that! And yet it’s what God asks of wives. (And the same can apply to husbands in the reverse role.)
You wrestle inside with wondering, “How will they hear if I don’t say something? How will they know if I don’t spell it out for them? How will this happen if I’m not directly involved in making it happen?”

Those are good questions —ones you can ask the Lord someday when you’re spending eternity with Him.

But from what I can see from the scriptures and from being with so many that have lived out the experience of being married to someone who isn’t a follower of Christ, it has to do with our trusting God to draw our spouse to Himself and using our lives as a light to attract them. That’s what happened in my marriage and in others I know of.

Nancy Kennedy, (who is an author of the book, When He Doesn’t Believe, and who more importantly knows first-hand about all of this because of living this experience out for so many years with her husband) said the following about this principle:

“Nobody was ever nagged into the kingdom of God. Nobody was ever manipulated into the kingdom of God. We come to Christ because we are shown grace, and we are shown love, and we are shown mercy, and if our spouse is on the receiving end of criticism and manipulation — they’re going to run. And the harder we try, the faster they run. So if I were coaching somebody, I’d say, “Stop, because God knows what He’s doing,” and that, I think, is what has sustained me and has caused me to relax — that God knows what He’s doing.

“I didn’t come to Christ until I was 23. Somebody else might not come to Christ until they’re 33, 83, 93, 103. It’s all in God’s timing. He has a plan. He knows how He’s going to work it out, and He will use us. He doesn’t need us, and that’s another freeing truth — that God can run the universe without me. He doesn’t need me.”

I’m sure that there are a few people that have been “nagged” into the kingdom of God, but that’s the exception rather than the rule, and again, it took a drawing from the Lord for it to accomplish anything fruitful in the first place.

Something else you might find helpful that Nancy said in an interview she did on a radio broadcast for Family Life Today, was:

“I am a newspaper reporter. My beat is religion, and I have written the Christian testimonies of well over 400 people. When I do a story of a man who has come to faith in Christ after his wife, I always ask, ‘What was it about your wife? What did she do? What did she say to help you come to faith?’ And every single man that I have talked to says the same thing — ‘It’s not what she said, frankly, I tuned her out, but it’s how she loved me. She just loved me. Even when I was cruel, she loved me.’

“So what I would say is love your spouse — love your spouse into the kingdom and let God deal with him or her — because I know we’re talking to men who are married to unbelieving women. When I think back to my own testimony, nobody was actively sharing the Gospel with me. Therefore, I don’t have to.

God doesn’t need me to share the Gospel with my husband. He may give me many opportunities. He has given me many opportunities to speak, and God will give plenty of opportunities to speak but, for a general rule, we’re just to live out our Christianity and be who God has created us to be and to feel comfortable. I think we need to come to a place where we are comfortable in our relationship with the Father and come to a place where we just enjoy being with God. That speaks volumes.”

There is a lot more that Nancy had to say in the interview (which was originally aired on June 23, June 24, June 25, and June 26 of 2003) that you may really benefit from learning. Right now, the ministry of Family Life Today is revamping their web site, so we’re hoping they will eventually have these interviews available again. And when they do, we will post the links to them as soon as possible.

However, they had a supporting document which they used to make available that we will provide below that we pray will help you in the meantime.

Here is what the ministry of Family Life Today made available on their former web site on the subject of “Won Without a Word”:

WON WITHOUT A WORD

Are you frustrated and discouraged that your husband doesn’t believe in Christ? Use these scriptures and practical tips as a daily reminder to have Christ-centered thoughts, motives, and actions as a wife of an unbelieving or spiritually passive husband. You will be encouraged that God sees your needs and hears your prayers.

Prayer

Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us… (Ephesians 3:20)

Pray for a hedge of protection from evil around your husband (Job 1:10).

I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us (Psalm 62:8b).

For the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and His ears attend to their prayer (1 Peter 3:12a).

Ask God to help you find a mature, godly woman who is well grounded in God’s word, and ask her to meet with you weekly or twice a month for prayer.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me (Psalm 51:10).

But as for me, my prayer is to Thee, O LORD at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Thy loving-kindness, answer me with Thy saving truth (Psalm 69:13).

Pray Colossians 1:9 for the one you love.

Prayer is a privilege to approach God’s throne, and an effective weapon against an unseen enemy, and a means of communicating our fretful hearts to a loving Father.²

Pray: Set a guard over my mouth. O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips (Psalm 141:3 NIV)

Pray for God to make you the wife you should be (Psalm 27:11).

Give your unmet expectations and dreams to the Lord in prayer. Don’t let the world influence them (Romans 12:2).

Give thanks for the things that you and your husband are i agreement on in your marriage and home.

Did you say or do something that you shouldn’t have? Dump your feelings at God’s feet, ask His forgiveness, and accept His cleansing (1John 1:9).²

Pray: When my heart is faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I (Psalm 61:2b).

Pray: That the eyes of your heart may be enlightened so that you may know what is the hope of His calling — what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe (Ephesians 1:18,19).

Hope and Encouragement

Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me? (Jeremiah 32:27)

For the battle is the Lord’s … (1 Samuel 17:47b).

For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places (Ephesians 6:12).

For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am (Philippians 4:11).

God is ruling over the circumstances in your life; trust in His sovereignty (Daniel 4:35).

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

How blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in His ways. When you shall eat of the fruit of your hands, you will be happy and it will be well with you (Psalm 128:1-2).

My hope is from Him; He is only my rock and my salvation (Psalm 62:2a).

None of those who wait for Thee will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3a).

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage (Psalm 27:13-14).

I know that Thou canst do all things, and that no purpose of thine can be thwarted (Job 42:2)

You were tired out by the length of your road, yet you did not say, ‘It is hopeless.’ You found renewed strength, therefore you did not faint (Isaiah 57:10).

Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has given to us (Romans 5:5).

For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust (Psalm 103:14).

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed (Isaiah 54:10a NIV).

…Christ in you, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1)

Remember that:

• God is a God of hope and power, and strength.
• He sees your heart, hears your cries.
• He will bring laughter and song to you because He loves you. ²

God is whispering, “I’m here. I’m in control. I’m holding on to you and won’t let go. ²

Your husband is a gift from God even if you married him without asking God.

God refreshes us when we are weary (Isaiah 40:31).

You are called by God to be godly and to be a loving companion to your husband.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13 NIV).

Your faith and hope are in God (1 Peter 1:21b).

The LORD will accomplish what concerns me (Psalm 138:8a).

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).

No one can come to Me, unless the Father who sent Me draws him (John 6:44a)

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him (Psalm 103:11).

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

Practical Application

(studying God’s word and scriptures about our behavior and thinking)

Ground yourself in God’s Word by always doing a Bible study that requires application (Psalm 119).

Live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble (1 Peter 3:8).

Not returning evil for evil, or insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).

Won without a word … as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Your adornment — a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:3).

Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech (1 Peter 3:10 NIV).

Seek peace and pursue it (1 Peter 3:11b).

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:12 NIV).

When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly (Proverbs 31:26 The Message).

The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-or-God (Proverbs 31:30 The Message).

Don’t give your husband advice unless he asks for it.

As you think about your husband today, remember what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and of good repute — all those things that are praiseworthy and excellent (Philippians 4:8).

Tell your husband what you admire about him and the things he does really well.

What did your husband ask you to do for him today? Sew on a button or pick up his clothes at the dry cleaners? Whatever it is, remember that in your home his needs are your number one priority.

Satan sends us negative thoughts and criticism. Refuse to entertain them (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Respect is your husband’s greatest need from you and is commanded by God.

God the blues? Get in your favorite chair, drape your legs over one arm and lean back. Imagine you are sitting on your heavenly Father’s lap. Talk to Him. Drink deeply of His sufficiency and comfort. ²

When you react to your family’s actions in anger, it stirs up dissention and you commit a sin (Proverbs 29:22).

Are you resentful about something in your life? It means you have started to think of yourself more highly than you ought. You are the Lord’s bondservant and you have given the rights to your life over to Him. In love He will forgive you, when you ask…²

Become involved in at least one of your husband’s interests.

Never correct your husband in front of others.²

Dream with him, even if you think they are far-fetched. That’s what makes them dreams.¹

Say thank you often to your husband.²

Let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this —not to put an obstacle or stumbling block in a brother’s way (Romans 14:13).

Let your children hear you praising your husband.

Love… do good… expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great (Luke 6:35a).

Love is intentional regardless of feelings.

Learn your husband’s love language (Gary Chapman, Five Love Languages).

Submit to your husband. “Submission is an act of worship whose primary purpose is to honor God.”³

Your thoughts determine your attitudes.

Reminisce about your favorite romantic times with your husband.

Live your faith quietly. Don’t preach to your husband (1 Peter 3:1).

By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos… (James 3:6 The Message)

It’s not the tongue that’s the problem —it’s our hearts.¹

When you are discouraged, put on a praise CD and sing along (Psalm 57:7).

Respecting your husband means appreciating, honoring, esteeming, admiring, and valuing him. Showing respect includes being polite, attentive, obliging, and accommodating.

If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men (Romans 12:18).

So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another (Romans 14:19).

Esteem your husband very highly because of his work (1 Thessalonians 5:13).

‘Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.’ (Leviticus 19:18 NIV).

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone (Romans 12:17a).

A gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1a).

For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart (Matthew 12:34b).

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person (Colossians 4:6).

A Christian wife bridles her tongue (James 1:26).

Have realistic expectations of your spouse (Romans 8:7-8).

Pleasing your husband pleases God and gives you joy (1 Corinthians 10:31-33).

No one is a perfect Christian. Live your faith in an honest and natural way.

Make it your habit to love your husband with your actions. Start today.

Meeting your husband’s and family’s needs is your number one ministry. Don’t over commit yourself outside the home.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29 NIV).

Can your husband trust his heart with you? Are you loyal? Can he say “I have no lack of gain” because of you (Proverbs 31:11)?

Do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself (Philippians 2:3).

Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible® unless otherwise noted.

¹ ©2001 WaterBrook Press. When He Doesn’t Believe By Nancy Kennedy.

² Adapted from When He Doesn’t Believe by Nancy Kennedy ©2001 WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, Colorado.

³ ©2000 Baker Book House. Each for the Other: Marriage As It’s Meant to Be by Bryan Chapell.

…Not only is the unequally yoked wife responsible for the basic spiritual upbringing of her children, but she is also answerable for her own growth and maturity. This means she, too, must study the Word, pray, and follow God’s admonition to not forsake assembling together with believers. (See Hebrews 10:25.) She can do many of these things when her husband isn’t home, but what if he doesn’t want her to go to church on Sunday? Many unsaved husbands resent having their weekends interrupted. They feel the whole day is lost by the time their wives and children get home from church. “Lois acts as if lightning will strike her dead if she doesn’t go to church on Sunday,” Chris complained, “I’d like for us to go away for the weekend, or go to the desert or beach and spend the day, but to her Sunday is a sacred cow.”

Lois is making problems for herself by drawing such a hard line. She’s shutting out her husband and nurturing jealousy of the Lord in him. She’s telling him, by her actions, that she’d rather go to church and be with Christians than go somewhere with him.

[MARRIAGE MISSIONS EDITORS NOTE: While this may seem to the wife to be a right priority—choosing worshiping the Lord over spending time with her husband, it's important not to allow the "times" in which you worship become more important than ministering to your husband's spirit. If your actions bring about his becoming jealous of your time with God what will motivate him to want to know your God better? As author Jo Berry says,

"Remember that it is Christ, and not the church, who demands her allegiance. She shouldn't confuse time spent with God with time spent at the church. She should do Christian things—such as reading and studying the Bible, fellowshipping with other Christians, and instructing her children in the ways of the Lord—when her husband isn't around."

Keep in mind that the point is to be a vessel where God can better draw the unbelieving spouse to Christ without the clog of resentment being a key hindrance or a stumbling block. Instead, consider the principles laid out in Romans 14 where it talks about not being a stumbling block to those with a weaker faith. Look for ways to honor and worship God and without causing unnecessary resentment from your spouse. You may not be able to take away every ill feeling of resentment. Some of it may not be what you can control. But as the scriptures say, "as far as it be with you be at peace with all men." That means to the degree you CAN bring peace into a difficult situation without dishonoring God's principles, do so.]

There are several things an unequally yoked wife can do to keep church attendance from becoming a controversy. One, she needs to understand the difference between loyalty to the Lord and loyalty to the church. She is not forsaking the cause of Christ if she misses Sunday services. Some unsaved husbands are so unreasonable that they forbid their wives to go to church on Sunday. ”

Instead of causing a fight,” Martha said, “I stay home with Ted, then go to weekday Bible study and listen to a tape of Sunday’s sermon. I see to it that I read a Bible story to the kids every day and send them to church with friends, as often as I can. Then Ted and I have Sunday mornings to ourselves. That way the kids still go to church and my husband feels special, too.”

Christian fellowship and assembling together to pray and worship are important. When they happen is a variable. Rose said she was relieved when her pastor told her that the early church met every day and night, in homes all around the city. They ate, studied, and worshiped together whenever it was possible. Nowhere does the Bible say we have to go to church every Sunday morning. It says we are to meet together frequently, as a corporate group of believers.

A Christian woman who is married to an unbeliever may have to adjust her schedule to meet both his and her needs. She should not ignore, nor overemphasize, Sundays. Lil said, “I always went when I could, but I was always ready to make exceptions.” Many women suggested that the wife ask her husband several days in advance if he wants to make plans for the weekend or if she can go to church on Sunday. That way he doesn’t feel left out.

DIFFERENCES DON’T HAVE TO BE DEVASTATING
In the human sense, shouldering the total spiritual responsibility for herself and her children is an overwhelming task. It not only involves raising and disciplining the children in a godly manner, going to church, and studying the Word, but it also encompasses implementing God’s behavior standards in everyday life situations. That, most unequally yoked wives agree, is where some fundamental difficulties arise. Conflicts over morals, spending money, social activities, and friends, are common.

“It gets lonely,” Martha used. “Lots of times I look like a party-pooper. I’m the killjoy, the fall guy. Sometimes it’s just me and the Lord, but when it is, I remember His grace is sufficient.”

How can an unequally yoked wife do what is expected of her, in a Christian sense, and still not invoke the wrath of her husband when she must, out of necessity, take a firm stand on scriptural issues? The overwhelming counsel of women who have leaned from experience is that she should not make a “religious” issue out of the problem.

For example, if an unsaved husband wants his wife to do something dishonest, instead of saying such things are against what the Bible teaches, she should say they’re against her personal moral principles. And it’s true, they are. Karen was caught in that kind of quandary when her husband falsified their income tax. They file a joint return, so she had to sign it. He hadn’t tried to hide what he was doing: padding their contributions list, including what she supposedly had donated to the church, and claiming personal expenditures as business deductions.

She knew she couldn’t sign the return. “I wanted to yell at him and ask him if he didn’t know that cheating on taxes is wrong, but instead I prayed a lot and asked my Bible study to pray, too. One dear grandma told me not to tell Will that God was the reason I couldn’t sign. She suggested I write a list of all the reasons why I wouldn’t, apart from the fact that it’s against one of the Lord’s commandments.”

That’s what Karen did. When Will asked her to sign it, she told him she couldn’t because it went against her moral standards of right and wrong, and that, most of all, since falsifying income tax returns is a felony, he was asking her to be his accomplice in crime.

“At first he was furious, accused me of overreacting, and used the old ‘everybody does it’ line. But I stood my ground, so he had no choice but to change the figures, because our tax was due and the forms had to be sent in with both of our signatures. It was hard not to give in to his pressure, but I didn’t,” Karen concluded.

Although she was resisting because she knew that signing the return would be breaking the law of the Lord, God never became an issue. But her husband saw that his wife is a woman who sticks to her deep, moral convictions.

TO GO OR NOT TO GO
Social activities and friends are another source of conflict; but again, difficulties surrounding them can be minimized if an unequally yoked wife will use common sense. One problem she consistently faces is “to go or not to go.” To what extent should a Christian wife expose herself to the world? Where should she draw the line? The general consensus of opinion, by women who have learned how to deal sensibly with such predicaments is, if it isn’t a sin, go.

In other words, if an unbelieving husband wants his wife to go to an X-rated movie, that would be sin because she would be exposing herself to lustful, erotic, mental, and physical sexual stimulation. If he asks her to experiment with the possibility of an open marriage, that’s sin, because Scripture clearly condemns extra-marital sex. If he asks her to lie for him, that’s sin, because we’ve been commanded not to bear false witness.

But, if he wants her to go to an office party, where everyone will be drinking and using foul language—that is not sin. Connie said, “Look, I have the Holy Spirit within me and my body in His temple, so I just take my altar and go with Brock.”

Many unequally yoked wives attested that by going with their husbands and participating in whatever way they could, they felt they strengthened their marriages. An unsaved husband can’t help but notice the contrast between his wife, who’s friendly, laughing, and having a good time, and those people who are loud and boisterous because they’ve had too much to drink. Her genuine enjoyment will overshadow their pseudo, artificially induced pleasure.

Some women believe that going to worldly social functions with their husbands creates opportunities to witness. Sally told how she met Beth, a co-worker of her husband’s, at a dinner party at George’s boss’s house. “When I asked for tonic water with a twist of lime instead of a cocktail, she asked me if I have a problem with liquor. I told her no, I just don’t like to drink. We started talking and it ends up she has a secret drinking problem. Now I’m helping her with it, and we first met over cocktails.”

Barbara stressed that no one can make her sin or detract from her godliness unless she lets him. She said that when she knows she is going into a worldly social situation, she fasts and prays that day, so god can fortify her to spiritually withstand the things that are offensive to her. “I ask Him to show me the lostness of the people there and give me opportunities, no matter how small, to share some of what I have in Christ with them.”

HIS FRIENDS
Another problem centers around ongoing relationships. Many couples have similar interests, regardless of their spiritual status, and enjoy the company of the same kinds of people. Their individual friends are acceptable to both the husband and wife, and their mutual friends are ones with whom they have a lot in common. But sometimes, in an unequally yoked marriage, the believer’s desires are so different from those of her unsaved mate that she cannot accept her husband’s friends, or people with whom he wants them to socialize as a couple.

Frequently, an unequally yoked wife is afraid of her husband’s friends will lead him farther away from the ideals she’s praying he’ll develop, or that if she accepts his choice of companions she’ll be condoning the relationships. Yet if she nags or overtly condemns his cohorts, she’ll only intensify the problem.

The women I interviewed suggested several helpful ways of approaching and dealing with this dilemma. First, an unequally yoked wife must accept the fact that she’s not responsible for what her husband does. She can’t force him to behave in a certain way, nor can she choose his friends for him.

Second, she should be aware that the more negatively she reacts to his choice of acquaintances and activities, the more he’ll resist her interference. He purposely may pick certain types of friends just to defy her wishes and to show her he is his own person.

Third, she should evaluate her husband’s associates on the basis of their individual personalities and character, rather than on externals. Just because his buddies smoke, drink, or swear occasionally doesn’t mean they’re highly immoral. If they use drugs and engage in illegal activities, that’s a different story. She has to learn not to overreact to normal worldly externals.

Fourth, she should use “reverse psychology,” and instead of degrading or snubbing her husband’s friends, she should help him cultivate deeper relationships with those who can offer positive input. Dana shared that she found that if she talked favorably about the friends she liked and felt were a good influence on her husband, and was hospitable to them, the less favorable affiliations eventually dwindled.

Fifth, the unequally yoked wife would be wise to see that her husband’s friends feel comfortable and welcome in their home. “I used to cringe when I bought booze for Dave to offer his pals when they came over,” Dana continued, “but I decided I’d rather have them hanging around our house, where I could have some influence on what happens, than sitting in some bar or going to a home where there’s an ‘anything goes’ atmosphere.”

Sixth, she must realize that just because her unsaved husband sometimes wants to go off alone with his friends, that doesn’t mean he’s deserting her or their family. “I used to resent it terribly when Brian would go fishing or hunting for a weekend, or when he’d go bowling or to a ball game with the boys,” Kerri admitted. “One night when he asked if I’d care if he and five of his buddies went skiing the following weekend, I flipped. I ranted about how he was always looking for excuses to get away, which isn’t true, and how selfish he was to want to spend our money on himself like that.

“After I calmed down, he very quietly asked me how I’d feel if he’d have said those kinds of things to me when I asked him if I could go to the women’s retreat our church had.” Kerri confessed that she was so convicted she started to cry. “He’d been so sweet about my going. He kept the kids. I was so ashamed.”

She says she learned that, in Brian’s eyes, her going to a church retreat is no different from his going on a skiing trip and that her going to Wednesday night church is the same in his thinking as when he goes bowling. “It’s something we do with our separate friends,” she concluded.

An unequally yoked wife has to remember that all of her husband’s friends aren’t wicked, lecherous people who want to lead him down the path of destruction, and that when they plan activities with him they aren’t doing it to take him away from his home and family but because they enjoy being with him.

PRAY ALONE AND STAY TOGETHER
Ultimately, the only way a Christian wife can cope with the constant barrage of conflicts she faces is through prayer. Prayer helps her maintain her perspective and equilibrium. It’s her source of godly wisdom, the microscope through which she can examine her actions and motives, and get direction.

We often quote the promise in James 1:5: But just as often we fail to apply it in the setting in which it was written. In context, James is saying we should ask for God’s wisdom when we encounter various trials and when our faith is being tested; when we need the strength to keep on keeping on: “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”"Consider it all joy … when you encounter various trials knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance” (James 1:2-3).

So it is during those times of conflict and tribulation, when the unequally yoked wife feels she is going to cave in, or that God has given her more than she can handle, or when she is forced to make decisions about controversial areas we’ve discussed, that she can call on the Lord and know He will give her more wisdom than she needs.

The above article comes from the terrific book, Beloved Unbeliever by Jo Berry, published by Zondervan Publishing House www.zondervan.com. This book could truly help those who are married to unbelieving spouses. Jo knew what it was like to live with an unbelieving spouse and also interviewed dozens of women who are married to unbelievers. In this book they share the greatest difficulties they encounter(ed) and practical ways to handle the problems.

As Jo shared, “One of the most grievous and difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked: being married to a man who is not a believer. … She is supposed to live according to the dictates of Scripture, to be a helpmeet and submissive wife, yet at the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband probably differ sharply about what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this position have shared with me that they feel hopeless.” And that is the main reason Jo wrote this book because as she said, “There IS hope! There are principles an unequally yoked wife can learn and apply that will make her life easier. She needs to realize that God has placed her in unique position of being His representative to the man she loves. She can also develop a positive mind-set about her mate and her marriage.”

“Spiritual conflict in marriage is painful, especially when your spouse doesn’t have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Popular author and pastor Kent Hughes speaks powerfully about how to stay and pray for your unbelieving spouse.”

The above quote is an explanation for a 3-part half hour radio broadcast which was put together by the ministry of Family Life Today with Dennis Rainey. We HIGHLY recommend that anyone who is involved in a marriage where their partner isn’t a Believer, will either listen to or read the transcripts for these programs. That is why we are providing a link below so you can do so.

To give you a sneak preview, here are a few of the quotes from these programs:

A quote from the 1st day of this 3-part daily program:

Dennis Rainey: “A person who is not a believer, and Kent did a wonderful job of explaining the state of someone who has not been born again spiritually — their eyes are darkened, they can’t see; they’re blind. They are in need of us being fervent. That word ‘fervent in love,’ means stretched out as a runner stretches out to break the tape first. We are to stretch and strain in the Spirit in loving those who aren’t spiritually alive.

And be hospitable. That’s just being kind, making your home a warm place to be. I’m not suggesting easy answers for those who are married to non-Christians. I can’t think of a more challenging situation than day in and day out living the Christian life and loving someone who doesn’t share it with me.”

To make the choice to listen to, or read the transcripts for this program, please click onto the link provided below:

•  SPIRITUALLY MISMATCHED – Part 1

A quote from the 2nd day of this 3-part radio program:

Kent: I remember the story of George Mueller. Just before he died, he had been praying for two men for 50 years, and they hadn’t come to Christ. As he was dying someone questioned him about that. …His prayers hadn’t been answered. He was noted as a great man of prayer. And Mueller said, “Do you think that God would have had me pray for them for 50 years and not answer my prayer?” And he died. The next two years both those men came to Christ after his death.

I think there’s a sense in which when God lays something on your heart, and He calls you to pray and leads you to prayer, very often it’s because He’s going to have that prayer fulfilled.

So I think that there are a couple of things here. I think that this matter of persistence in prayer and persistence through difficulties and hard times and expectancy. See, it’s fascinating, in Luke, the 18th chapter, the parable of persistent widow. The whole point of that parable is that she goes to this unbelieving, terrible judge, and she bugs him until he answers.

And then it says we ought to persist in prayer, but the reason we ought to persist in prayer is not that God is like this grudging judge, it’s because God’s just the opposite. He is our Father. That’s why we ought to persist in prayer. And so prayer is the first thing.

The second other element after prayer is your example, your live-in testimony, the way believers live with unbelieving spouses is huge on the landscape. I want to say that if you’re married to a nonbeliever or if someone that comes to Christ is married to a nonbeliever, that there is substantial hope because, very often, that spouse comes to believe. Not all the time. I want to be very careful to qualify what I’m saying about that but “very often.”

To make a choice to listen to, or read the transcripts for this program, please click onto the link provided below:

• SPIRITUALLY MISMATCHED – Part 2

To make a choice to listen to, or read the transcripts for the 3rd day of this 3-part radio broadcast program, please click onto the link provided below:

• SPIRITUALLY MISMATCHED – Part 3

-ALSO-

Below are several web site links which will lead you to articles that you could also find helpful. Please click onto the links provided below to read:

• MARRIED TO AN UNBELIEVER

• MARRIED TO AN UNBELIEVER
(Same title, different article)

• UNEQUALLY YOKED MARRIAGES

• SPIRITUALLY UNEQUAL MARRIAGE VIDEO CAST

That said, don’t be afraid to grow. Looking back, I realize my growth has enhanced our marriage and didn’t hinder our relationship, as I originally presumed it would. When I put God first, He changed my heart toward Dean.

God used Paul’s advice to the Colossians to challenge me: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (3:23). God was asking me to put my whole heart into my marriage —for Him.

Lori, a friend at church, shared with me what God taught her during a difficult period in her marriage. “Regardless of what Steve did or didn’t do, regardless of his salvation status, and regardless of his contribution to the relationship, God expected my best. Marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition, but rather my giving my 100%.”

Those words have haunted, rebuked, and blessed me many times over the years. She’s right. When I stand before God, I long to hear Him say, “Well done, thou good and faithful wife.” I don’t desire to stand before Him blaming Dean for my shortcomings. “But, God, I didn’t because he didn’t…” Those words won’t carry much weight with the Almighty.

The spiritual condition of my spouse doesn’t change my role except to create a more vital need for obedience to Scripture. As Peter reminds me, the unbeliever will be won over by the behavior —not the words of his believing mate. Even more reason to grow. How an I practice what I do not know? And how can I know unless I grow in my knowledge of God?

Proverbs 31 paints the epitome of a godly woman,yet never states whether her husband practiced faith. With so little revealed about him, I must surmise his spiritual condition held no relevance to her role as a godly wife, nor does my husband’s for me.

So I pass the gauntlet on to you. It’s with love, hope, and prayers I say, “You grow, girl!” Move toward God with passionate fervor. Don’t wait for anyone or anything. May God bless you as you grow in Him!

The above excerpt comes from the book: Spiritually Single by Jeri Odell. It was published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Missouri. Jeri Odell has been married for 29 years and has persevered alone in her Christian walk for nearly 23 of those years. Preview or purchase this book now

-ALSO-

The following web site link is provided to help you further as you strive to live with your unbelieving spouse to. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

•  COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

-ALSO-

There was a radio broadcast series titled “When He Doesn’t Believe” with Nancy DeMoss who was interviewing Nancy Kennedy, who is married to an unbelieving husband, that you might find especially helpful. Below are links to the transcripts to this compelling interview. Please click onto the links to read:

• EQUALLY YOKED

• AN OBNOXIOUS WIFE

• A UNIQUE LONELINESS

• HE’S STILL A GUY

And then there is another radio broadcast series with the same women and same title, “When He Doesn’t Believe”, but with additional content that was aired several years later. Please click onto the links below to read the transcripts for:

• CHOOSING LOVE

• DEMOLITION QUEEN NO MORE

• THE LIP ZIP PRINCIPLE

• HOW TO PRAY FOR HIM

• HOPE IN GOD

If you would like to obtain the book that Nancy Kennedy wrote, that was being discussed throughout these interviews, please click onto the link provided below:

“WHEN HE DOESN’T BELIEVE”
Preview or purchase this book now

If you have any additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Also Read: Colossians 3:1-17

Valerie and John used to attend church together when they first married, but as the years went by, he found other things to do on Sundays and preferred to stay at home while she went alone.

This led to increasing friction between them, for while John became less and less interested in spiritual issues, Valerie found that her faith was growing and God was becoming more important to her. Their problems only got worse whenever they tried to discuss issues of significance.

One day it dawned on Valerie how much she resented and even disliked John. The more she thought about it, the more she worried as to where her feelings could lead. Wisely, she decided to talk to a church counselor, who showed her that, as far possible, she needed to understand, love, and respect her husband —despite their different priorities.

The counselor reminded Valerie that one of the great strengths of Christianity is that, with God’s help, Christians can display a tolerance and acceptance of those who irritate them. Jesus’ love is such a powerful resource that we can respond with dignity and respect —as Jesus did when he was opposed.

If there is one thing that eventually may bring John to Jesus Christ, it will be Valerie’s respect and love for him —especially when he least deserves it. However, in the meantime, Valerie needs to be patient and faithful for as long as it takes.

Suggested Prayer:

“Although I sometimes find it hard to be tolerant, Lord, help me today to appreciate the good things about my husband, and to respect his views —even if I cannot agree with them. Help me to become more like Jesus.”

A Question to Answer:

If Jesus lived in your house, how do you think he would handle your husband’s feelings about him and the church?

The above devotional thought came from the book, Praying for Your Unbelieving Husband …120 Reflections, Prayers, and Action Steps -by Michael and Diane Fanstone. Reverend Fandstone is senior pastor of Emmanuel Baptist Church in Gravesend, England. He is the author of Unbelieving Husbands and the Wives Who Love Them and The Sheep That Got Away. Diane Fanstone is actively involved with her husband’s ministry. They have two children. This is their first book together. It was published by Servant Publications, PO Box 8617, Ann Arbor, MI 48107.

“Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.” (1 Peter 3:1)

Lee and his wife Leslie had a happy marriage. After a few years as husband and wife, they were best friends and enjoyed a fun, exciting life together. But then Leslie did something that sent their marriage into a skid: she made a commitment to Jesus. Up to that point, Lee and Leslie had been sailing merrily along without paying much attention to God. But once Leslie committed her life to Christ and joined a church, things changed. Their relationship became strained and troubled. Lee describes what he was feeling at the time:

I was feeling hurt. That might sound like an odd reaction, but all of a sudden I felt like I was less in Leslie’s eyes. I thought I was losing her respect. She was meeting all sorts of new people through church and she seemed so impressed by their spirituality that I was feeling as if she looked down on me. If these people were to be respected because of their devotion to Christ, then what’s the flip side of that? I felt Leslie’s respect for me would dwindle because I wasn’t committed to God.

And I wondered what would happen if she insisted on raising our children as Christians. Would they think less of me, too? I was concerned that they’d grow up pitying poor old Dad because, after all, he’s just a pagan on the road to hell. I didn’t want my kids feeling sorry for me. I wanted them to respect their dad.

Another emotion I felt was frustration. I was frustrated because, for the first time in our relationship, our values were at odds. For instance, we had always been in agreement on how to spend our money. But now Leslie wanted to give money to the church, and I blew my top. Money was very important to me, and I felt that she was going to waste it by giving it to a bunch of charlatans.

Leslie felt so strongly about giving to the church that she got a part-time job just so she could contribute more to help the ministry expand. I couldn’t relate to that. It grated on me because I thought of all the fun ways we could spend that extra cash, and yet, at least to my way of thinking, it was going down the drain.

And I felt afraid, too. I feared that Leslie was going to turn into a wild-eyed religious fanatic. Was she going to embarrass me in front of my friends? Was she going to shame me every time I drank too much? Was she going to reject all of our old friends? Was she getting hooked up with a cult that was going to control every aspect of her private life?

I married one Leslie, and now she was changing into something I hadn’t bargained for. That didn’t seem fair. Though I liked the new Leslie, I want the old Leslie back!

Finally, I was experiencing anger. I’m talking about serious anger. If you had asked me why I was so mad, I probably couldn’t have told you. I just knew that I was infuriated much of the time. Disagreements broke out. Arguments erupted. I couldn’t diagnose what was going on, but I knew our marriage was headed downhill—fast.

In summary, Lee felt hurt, frustrated, afraid and angry about Leslie’s newfound faith.

A Christian Wife’s Response
Meanwhile, how did Leslie feel? She was going through her own emotional turmoil. She felt much the same as Lee—hurt, frustrated, afraid and angry—but for very different reasons.

She felt hurt. Especially in the first few months after Leslie became a Christian, Lee would make fun of her faith and put it down. This wounded Leslie. She felt deep love for God and prized her spiritual life, so she felt deep hurt when her husband showed so little regard for something that meant so much to her.

Leslie also felt frustrated. She couldn’t share her joy and excitement with him over new spiritual discoveries. He just didn’t get it. He didn’t want to hear about it. She’d learn a new insight or get a fresh taste of God’s love, and have no husband to share it with. She’d receive an answer to prayer but say nothing about it to Lee, because he would only scoff if she told him.

Leslie felt fear, too. Looking ahead, she saw more conflicts coming: disagreements about how to raise the kids, how to spend money, where to go on weekends, and other things. Her greatest fear, though, was that her husband would someday stand before God and hear the Lord say, “Lee, you chose to be separate from Me all your life, and I let you have your own way. Now you can have your way throughout eternity by being separated from Me forever.”

Mingled with her pain, frustration, and fear, Leslie also couldn’t help feeling angry at Lee. He said he was open-minded and tolerant of her new faith, but she sensed a negative attitude. The message she kept getting was, “What do you have to go to church for? What’s wrong with you that you need that kind of crutch?” It made Leslie mad that her husband could be so open-minded about most things but so negative toward Christianity.

Lee and Leslie’s once-happy marriage was in turmoil. But even though Leslie struggled with her feelings and wasn’t always sure what she ought to do, she kept on loving God, she kept on loving Lee, and she kept seeking to become a better person.

Lee felt troubled by his wife’s new faith, but he also saw that her faith was making a real, positive difference for her. As Lee later explained:

Leslie’s conversion actually ended up sparking the most tumultuous era in our marriage. Yet, over the next couple of months, I started to sense subtle changes in Leslie’s character as the Holy Spirit began to change her. I’m not saying that she turned into Mother Teresa overnight, but there was a definite blossoming of her personality.

I detected it in the way she related to the children. I saw it in her more loving demeanor toward me and others. I watched her develop more self-confidence and patience.

Some time later Lee visited his wife’s church. What he heard there got him to thinking. He began to study the main claims of Christianity and to investigate whether they were just wishful thinking or whether there were solid reasons to believe what the Bible says about Jesus. At last Lee decided the evidence in favor of Christ was so strong that it would take more faith for him to remain an atheist than to become a Christian. Lee tells what happened next.

I walked into the kitchen, where Leslie was standing next to Allison in front of the sink. Our daughter was five years old at the time, and by standing on her toes and stretching, she was barely able to reach the kitchen faucet for the first time.

“Look, Daddy, look!” she exclaimed. “I can touch it! I can touch it!” “Honey, that’s great,” I told her as I gave her a hug. Then I said to Leslie, “You know, that’s exactly how I feel. I’ve been reaching for someone for a long time, and today I was finally able to touch Him.”

She knew what I was saying. With tears in our eyes, we embraced.

Today Lee Strobel is a committed Christian, along with his wife Leslie. In fact, Lee is a pastor-one of the best pastors around when it comes to connecting with spiritual strugglers and seekers. (The Strobels’ story is told in Lee’s book Inside the Mind of Un-churched Harry and Mary, Chapter 9.)

Hang In There
If you and someone close to you don’t share the same faith, it can be hard. It’s troubling for a husband and wife to be in a spiritual mismatch. It’s tough when parents and children don’t have the same spiritual outlook. Even in the case of friends or coworkers, it can be awkward when one is a committed Christian and the other isn’t.

When people are close to each other, but don’t have the same relationship to God, the relationship can be troubled. This is true of many types of relationships, and it’s especially true of marriage. So let’s consider how to deal with a spiritual mismatch in marriage. Along the way, we may learn things that also help in parent-child relationships and friendships where one person has faith in Jesus and the other doesn’t.

When different viewpoints clash in a marriage, it may be tempting to split up. Conflict and turmoil aren’t fun, so it may seem best simply to move out and move on. But don’t be in a hurry to end a marriage. Learn how to cope in the situation. Something good may yet happen.

Let’s be clear that people with different faith commitments shouldn’t get married in the first place. God warns Christians not to be yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). God says this out of love: he wants to spare us lots of problems. So if you’re still single, commit yourself to Christ before you commit yourself to a husband or wife; and when you look for a spouse, don’t consider anyone who doesn’t follow Jesus. If, as a Christian, you marry someone who doesn’t share your faith, you’re violating God’s orders and asking for trouble.

Once you’re married, though, you can’t go back. Once you’ve made marriage promises—even though you shouldn’t have—you ought to keep those promises and try to build the best marriage possible under the circumstance. Some spiritual mismatches occur when someone who should know better simply goes ahead marries someone who doesn’t share their faith. Often, though, the mismatch is something that develops later in the marriage.

Perhaps the marriage started with neither person caring about Christ but later one became a Christian. Or perhaps, when you got married, both of you were churchgoers and claimed to be Christians, but one wasn’t really genuine and eventually fell away. That can be very tough on the person who remains faithful to Christ. You thought you were marrying a fellow Christian, but now you’re in a spiritual mismatch that you hadn’t bargained for.

No matter how you got into a spiritual mismatch, you need to face life the way it is now, not the way it might have been. In some cases you had no way of knowing things would turn out this way. And even if you knew better, even if you were a Christian and deliberately chose to marry someone who wasn’t following Jesus, you shouldn’t drown yourself in a sea of remorse. You may be reaping bitter fruit and finding out that a spiritual mismatch is harder to live with than you thought it would be, and you may have nobody to blame but yourself. Even so, you need to focus on what to do next, not on what’s already done.

God doesn’t just wait around at a point where you should have been; he comes and meets you where you are. If you knowingly disobeyed him in your choice of a marriage partner, you must confess your sin and ask his forgiveness. Then you must also accept his forgiveness. You got yourself into this predicament, true enough, but once you’ve repented and found forgiveness through Jesus’ blood, don’t keep bashing yourself for your past sin. Instead, get on with living for the Lord now.

God’s first order in your present situation is to stay in the marriage. The Bible says, “If any Christian has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him” (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). If an unbelieving spouse insists on leaving you, it’s beyond your control; you can let the split occur as peacefully as possible (7:15). But if your spouse is at all willing for the marriage to continue, then do all you can to maintain and strengthen the relationship.

You may fear that your faith will be weakened and your children will be misled if you stay with someone who doesn’t share your faith. That might be true if your faith is phony. But if you have a genuine, living commitment to Christ, the influence works the other way. The Bible says that even the unbelieving spouse of a true Christian is somehow set apart and under a holy influence.

This is also true of the children. Don’t assume your spouse’s unbelief will ruin the children. Instead, take heart in the Bible’s declaration that “your children…are holy” (7:14).

Then wait and see what God may yet do in your life and in your spouse’s life. The Bible says, “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” (7:16) There’s no promise or guarantee that a non-Christian spouse will inevitably come to faith, but there’s reason for hope.

You don’t determine your husband or wife’s eternal destiny, so don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. You don’t control their response to Christ. It is ultimately between God and your spouse. Still, though you shouldn’t weigh yourself down with a responsibility, you can be encouraged by a probability. The Bible encourages you that if, as a Christian spouse, you seek to strengthen the marriage and, at the same time, to live for the Lord, the probability is greater that the Lord will indeed touch and transform the other person’s heart.

Lee and Leslie Strobel are an encouraging case in point. They went through much turmoil when Leslie became a Christian and Lee remained an atheist. But Lee ended up coming to Christ.

Winning Without Words
What made Lee start to think Christianity might be worth considering? The transformation he saw in Leslie’s life. As Lee puts it:

“She cooperated with God as He changed her character, attitude, and outlook. She yielded herself as fully as she could as God began molding her into a more Christ-like person. I watched as she increasingly became a person of humility, integrity, love, and self-sacrifice. And, in the end, the main reason I was willing to take an open-minded look at the Christian faith was because I was astonished by how Leslie was being transformed into a better person.

It’s an old saying that actions speak louder than words, and it’s true. The best way for a Christian to win over a spouse or someone else close to you is not clever reasoning or constant nagging but a life that shines with the light of Christ.”

In the early years after Jesus’ resurrection, the Christian message spread rapidly. Many people who once believed in various gods or goddesses, or in no religion at all, came to faith in Christ. But in many cases, their spouses remained pagan. In the Bible, the apostle Peter spoke God’s Word to Christian women with non-Christian husbands: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives” (1 Peter 3:1-2). The goal is not to win an argument but to win a person. The way to win a person is to live your faith, not just talk it.

This doesn’t mean that if you’re a Christian, you should never speak about your faith to your non-Christian spouse. When you first become a Christian, you should tell your spouse about your new faith and commitment to Christ. You should also try to answer any questions your spouse might ask about your beliefs. Peter says in the Bible, “Always be prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that is in you. But do this with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). So be ready to speak, but don’t be pushy and overbearing.

Clearly communicate your decision to follow Jesus. Gently invite your spouse to consider following Christ, too. After that, give your spouse some space. Pushing too hard will just make your spouse more stubborn. Tell them as much as they want to know, but don’t nag. Don’t talk too much when they’re not ready to listen.

If they don’t believe the word, try winning without words. Let your life do the talking. If your life doesn’t shine with the reality of God working in you, then nothing you say will have any effect. But if your life does exhibit God’s transforming power, your spouse is sure to notice the difference.

Does this mean your husband or wife will be happy about the new you? Not necessarily. Even if you’re more loving, kind, and considerate than you ever were before, your spouse may become more troubled and angry than ever. But that’s not all bad. Lee Strobel explains from his own experience:

If you had asked me back then why I was so mad, I probably couldn’t have told you. Now, as I look back, I can pinpoint the root of my rage. Basically, as Leslie pursued a godly lifestyle more and more, her behavior increasingly accentuated the difference between that lifestyle and my own.

In other words, the more she sought after purity, integrity, honesty, tolerance, and forgiveness, the more obvious it became that my own life and relationships were corroded with cynicism, bitterness, superficiality, and self-centeredness. It was as if Leslie were unwittingly holding up a mirror and I was seeing myself for how I really was, and I didn’t like the picture. The Bible calls it being convicted of sin, and it made me angry because I didn’t want to face it.

The Strobels’ experience shows that loving, godly behavior by a Christian spouse doesn’t always produce a pleasant reaction. Their experience also shows that there’s no need for a Christian to criticize an unbelieving spouse. Why should you harp on things your spouse is doing wrong? Just depend on God to make you more and more like Jesus, and the contrast between your life and your spouse’s will do more to show him his sin than any words you could say. This may stir up negative emotions that are no fun for either of you, but such turbulence may be a step in a journey that leads to Christ.

Quite a number of people who ignore God and the church have some religious background. But in many cases, they were hurt by people claiming to be Christians, or the religion of the church people they knew seemed boring and lifeless. They turned away from the church and have coasted along for years, comfortably ignoring Christ and seeing church people as hypocrites or misfits. But then a spouse turns up with a living faith, and unbelief is no longer so comfortable.

When a spouse knows Christ and is transformed in a way that is vibrant and real, it’s no longer so easy to dismiss Christianity as hypocritical or hollow. This can stir up all sorts of confusing and painful feelings that put enormous stress on a formerly comfortable relationship. It can also be the occasion for a spiritual breakthrough.

Without words an unbeliever can be convicted of sin, and without words an unbeliever can be drawn toward Christ. At some point, words may be needed to explain the basics of believing in Christ and of living for him, but the wordless witness of a Christ-like life will give those words the ring of truth.

This is true in marriage, and it’s also true in relationships between parents and children and other relatives. It’s true in friendships and in relationships at work. Even in a work situation that is unpleasant and unfair, Christian workers shouldn’t care so much about personal discomfort as about winning the people they work with to Christ. The way to do this is not offer a new sermon every day but to be hardworking, cooperative, and trustworthy, says the Bible, “so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive” (Titus 2:10).

That’s the key: at work, at home, in the everyday details of friendship and family and marriage, live in such a way that you “make the teaching of God our Savior attractive.” People close to you must see your faith before they give it a fair hearing. So don’t just try to talk people into believing; love them into believing. Let your life do most of the talking.

Not On Your Own
And remember: you don’t have to do it alone. At times you may feel spiritually lonely if you’re the only one in your home or workplace with a commitment to Christ. But you can find fellow Christians to support you and encourage you. Stay involved in a church. Stay close to a trusted Christian friend or two. Such a friend can help you grow in your faith and also listen to your frustrations, encourage you, offer guidance, and pray with you.

You’re not on your own. God’s people are with you, and, more importantly, God himself is with you. When you’re not able to talk to your spouse about God, you can still talk to God about your spouse. Pray to the Lord. Ask the Lord to make you the person he wants you to be. Ask the Lord to give you wisdom in dealing with a person who doesn’t share your faith. Ask the Lord to shine through you. Ask the Lord to have mercy on that person who is so dear to you. Ask the Lord to open their mind and heart to Christ, to give the miracle of spiritual rebirth. You can’t make that happen on your own, but God can answer prayer and use your life to win someone else to him. He’s done it before, and he can do it again.

They go on to say that, “Membership now includes women representative of assorted Christian denominations who have a common bond: our unsaved beloved husbands (bhs). Ours is a unique group of ladies, in a unique position: that of being a missionary on our own soil, in our own homes— perhaps the toughest missionary field ever worked in the history of mankind. Therefore we strive to instill in all our members the teachings of 1 Peter 3:1-4 and 1 Corinthians 13, so we can be walking examples of a Christ-like lifestyle, winning our husbands to Jesus …without a word.” (They also link you to a web site for husbands with unsaved wives.) This particular article featured part of a broadcast on the “Back to God Hour” by David Feddes, May 21, 2000.

To visit the web site for the ministry of Won Without a Word: CLICK HERE

She begins this portion of the book by citing the scriptures in 1 Corinthians 7:15 explaining that letting the spouse “leave” goes beyond physically leaving the marriage. As you read the article you’ll better understand what she means by this:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. ( 1 Corinthians 7:15)

Rather than demanding that an unequally yoked wife stay in a situation where she is abused, defamed, and oppressed; where she is tortured by the temptations that such mistreatment put in her path, our precious Lord gives her an option. He does this because, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13-14). He understands her humanity and takes pity on her.

LEAVING IS MORE THAN WALKING OUT THE DOOR
A Christian woman who is facing emotional or physical abuse needs to understand both the terminology and the implications in this verse, so she can act on it within the dictates of her own common sense and conscience. The word “leave,” as it is used in 1 Corinthians 7:15, means to depart or let go. While this most obviously refers to a physical separation, the concept of letting go embodies more than mere physical absence.

Since thought always precedes action, I believe we can assume that abuse and cruelty are outward manifestations reflecting a mental state of abandonment of the essence of the marriage. So, although Paul is dealing with physical separation, certainly there can also be a psychological severing, an emotional letting go, that is just as devastating and real as a mate’s actual departure.

Scripture does not deal specifically with this problem of abuse, but Christ’s attitude and certain biblical statements can help us draw conclusions about how to respond to it. The Gospels are saturated with statements about and examples of Jesus’ compassion. He was especially tender toward women and children. Think of how gently He approached the woman at the well; how respectful He was to the woman caught in adultery; how He met Mary’s needs by teaching her as she sat at His feet; how, during excruciating agony on the cross, He committed His mother to the care of His friend, John.

In the fifth chapter of Ephesians, the apostle Paul commanded husbands to “love [their] wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25) and to “love their own wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). Christ, in love, sacrificed His life for the church. This example is the antithesis of abuse.

It appears, then, that any man that constantly mistreats and maligns his wife, who wounds her psychologically and/or physically, has “let go” and departed from the intent of his marriage vows. He may be living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with her, but if he neglects her needs and destroys her as a person by attacking her body, soul, or spirit, mentally he has left! If he is cold, cruel, and uncaring, he has already separated himself from her, even if he shares a house with her. In his sick mind, the relationship is over.

The idea of leaving, then, can legitimately include the unbelieving husband mentally and/or emotionally abandoning his wife. The final act of “leaving” may mean he will physically remove himself, but the psychological process leading up to that moment may manifest itself in ongoing abusive conduct.

The Bible says that when this happens a Christian wife is to let him leave. The Lord does not expect or want her to suffer mental or bodily harm at the hands of a husband who is supposed to sacrificially love her. God does not want her to be oppressed or incapacitated by fear. Quite the contrary, “the sister is not under bondage in such cases” (1 Corinthians 7:15), and any woman who is physically harmed or verbally belittled, insulted, or harassed by her husband is under bondage. Any wife whose husband controls her mind and activities with threats or brutality is enslaving her.

In this same chapter, Paul reminds us, “You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men” (1 Corinthians 7:23). God did not buy an unequally yoked wife out of the slave market of sin so she could be under bondage to another human being. He purchased her with the blood of Christ and freed her so she could voluntarily become His bond-servant.

She has to draw the line if her husband consistently oppresses her, by whatever means. In Luke 14:26, Jesus said, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate [the comparison of her love for Me, her] own father and mother and [husband] and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even [her] own life, [she] cannot be my disciple.” She has the right and responsibility to choose freedom impossible for her to fulfill her Christian calling.

We have already seen that submission is voluntarily choosing to yield or surrender to someone. When God instructs wives to subject themselves to their husbands, He is asking them to surrender to their husbands’ love and God-given position. Nowhere does Scripture imply that the Lord expects a wife to accede to verbal castigation or physical assault.

Many times women who are in this position convince themselves that they would be unsubmissive if they fled. So, instead of retreating and protecting themselves and their children (who may be scarred for life from exposure to continual abuse), they become passive; but passivity is not the same as submission. Whereas submission is voluntary, passivity is forced oppression. Whereas submission allows for individual dignity, passivity breeds self-hatred, and eventually a wife who subjects herself to abuse starts believing that she deserves it!

She convinces herself there is no way out and that she is only getting what she has coming to her. This is especially pronounced in cases where Christian women knowingly married unbelievers. Frequently they stay to punish themselves, to pay the penalty for their sin. Their attitude is: I got myself into this, now I’m stuck with it. So, they become passive. It is vitally important that a woman who suffers maltreatment in her marriage draw the distinction between submission and passivity.

Also, some women stay because of guilt. They believe that their faith in Christ is the reason for their husband’s abusiveness, so they think that staying is a cross they must bear—part of their suffering for Christ. They need to realize that there is an immense difference between being persecuted for the Lord and for righteousness’ sake, and being physically or emotionally abused by a man who is a tyrant.

Although, an unbelieving husband might use his wife’s faith as an excuse for attacking her, that is not the real reason. Men who batter or consistently demean their wives are emotionally ill. The emotionally yoked wife who is being vilified by her husband does not have to submit to his tirades. God does not ask her to yield to outrageous attacks.

Sometimes a Christian woman who is being harmed by her mate stays because she believes that the Lord will protect her no matter what her husband does. Candy thought that, until Glen shot her. Eleanor thought that, until Ed fractured her back and skull when he threw her down the stairs. Emily thought that, until Howard burned down their house when he was spaced out on pot and booze and fell asleep on the sofa with a lighted cigarette in his band. Their three-month-old daughter suffered severe burns over 30% of her body and was in the hospital for months.

Claudia thought that, until she had a mental breakdown. Her children had to be put in foster homes while she recovered because the court ruled that her husband was not a fit father.

If there are children involved, the repercussions of living under such disparaging conditions can leave them with lifelong scars. Scripture teaches the importance of example. We are warned not to associate with fools, liars, fornicators, idolaters, blasphemers, or hot-tempered people, because if we do we will imitate their behavior. Statistics show that many parents who are child abusers and many men who batter their wives were themselves mistreated as children, or came from homes where one or both parents were abusive. Like begets like. Removing herself and her children from danger isn’t selfish, isn’t sinful, isn’t unsubmissive—it’s smart.

God hasn’t called the wife to live in a spirit of fear and mental instability but of “power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV). He hasn’t chosen her to live in a state of confusion, not knowing what to say or do next, or what tirades her well-intentioned responses might bring. “God is not a God of confusion but of peace” (1 Corinthians 14:33) and “has called [her] peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15).

As Jo shared, “One of the most grievous and difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked: being married to a man who is not a believer. …She is supposed to live according to the dictates of Scripture, to be a helpmeet and submissive wife, yet at the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband probably differ sharply about what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this position have shared with me that they feel hopeless.”

And that is the main reason Jo wrote this book because as she said, “There IS hope! There are principles an unequally yoked wife can learn and apply that will make her life easier. She needs to realize that God has placed her in unique position of being His representative to the man she loves. She can also develop a positive mind-set about her mate and her marriage.” That is what the author Jo Berry attempts to help women do throughout this book. If you’re married to an unbeliever we hope you’ll obtain a copy of this helpful and inspiring resource.