In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say, “Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. I hope you understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honoring Parents
The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment.
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6 comments so far ↓
1 Sophie // Oct 23, 2007 at 5:07 am
As a single mother of a 3 year-old about to enter into marriage, I have had some trouble lately with my parents over-stepping their bounds with my fiance. He and I have one set of rules for parenting (even though he is not the biological father) and we feel that discipline is a must. My parents, on the other, have different views. It is articles such as these that really help me to keep a civil tongue in my head, remembering that above all else, my parents do love me and my son and that I must not judge them - it is up to God to decide who is wrong or right. In cleaving to my husband and he to me, we will create a strong, Christian marriage and give our child the stable base I never had.
2 Eric // Mar 26, 2008 at 2:53 am
(SINGAPORE) One advice that is given here is that a spouse (say, the wife) should not criticize her husband’s parents, for it is the husband’s responsibility to honour the parents. What if the husband’s parents are putting out certain demands that the wife feels uneasy? Shouldn’t the wife raise her concerns, even to the point of criticizing?
3 Cindy Wright // Mar 26, 2008 at 6:50 am
Hi Eric, Yes, your wife should be able to raise her concerns, but it should be done in a way that respectfully speaks “the truth in love” (as the Bible points out). This is true of the wife as well as it is true of the husband, if there are problems with one of their parents.
They should keep in mind that the same thing can be said in different ways — a softened respectful approach as opposed to a degrading harsh approach will bring about different results. The scripture says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A person is not responsible for the way the respectful “truth” they are speaking is received (as long as they have prayed about it and they feel the Lord would have them speak this truth). But if they prayerfully speak it in love, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, they have attempted to reconcile a situation in a peaceable manner — which is Biblical.
The important thing is to make sure that the husband and wife are mindful of the fact that they are to be a marital team. They are to find ways to be supportive of each other and try to honor each other’s parents to the best of their abilities and yet still make the concerns of their marital partner their number one human priority.
4 Amy // Jun 19, 2008 at 2:32 pm
(USA) I have only been married about 7 mos. now. All the articles I have read dealt with the in-laws. My situation is opposite. My in-laws are wonderful to me. The entire family accepted us as a unit, and generally left us alone, except an occasional call to tell us if something’s up, or if they’re going out of state for business purposes.
My own family on the other hand, calls up all the time to check up on me to see if I’m alright. They criticize the fact that "I don’t see them anymore" even though I see them ALL the time, they miss me constantly. Whenever they come visit, they tell me to clean up the house so my husband would appreciate it, and on and on…and on.
I have been polite to them up till now. We have decided early on that the first year would be mostly observation of things done and said, then at the 1-yr, anniversary, we’ll sit down and discuss boundaries, things we liked/didn’t like about the year, etc. However, I’m at my breaking point. I’m so tired of my own family criticizing everything I say and do, and I have felt like running to my mother-in-law on more than one occasion. How in the world can I keep the peace until our 1-yr. anniversary?
5 Cindy Wright // Jun 19, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Hi Amy, Bless your heart! You really tried to give grace to your parents, but it sounds like they need more than grace, they also need boundaries to be set — and quickly! There will be more hurt feelings if they find out that you have a long list of hurts that you never discussed with them because of the “one year” probationary period you are silently giving them. Shorten the list by doing this quickly, and yet as kindly as you can.
Go into the “Dealing with Parents” section and read what the Lord points you to read. NOW would be the best time to deal with these issues instead of letting grievances accumulate. Your parents will probably be hurt at first, but eventually, if you handle things right, and they are mature enough to see the wisdom in honoring the “leave and cleave” principle the Bible tells us to live by, things will improve. If not, you may have to put up even more boundaries, which would be sad for all.
Just be as kind and gracious, and yet firm as you feel you should be over the matters that are important to you. Sometimes their intentions may be pure, because they love and miss “their little girl.” But their “little girl” has grown up and has married and she has the right to have the space she needs. Their wording, in how they criticize how you handle things, is obviously upsetting you. They just have to learn when to speak and when to be quiet. As parents, we can’t live our children’s lives for them — no matter how “wise” we may think our advice could be.
Consider that someday you may be in their place if you have children. Try to imagine how you would feel, and give them the graciousness that you would want. But don’t give them so much graciousness that you resent them. That would just complicate things all the more. I pray the Lord ministers in and through you in this situation. God bless!
6 LT // Jun 19, 2008 at 4:49 pm
(USA) Thanks Amy and Cindy for all your thoughts. I think these principles have pertinence in situations other than just the one mentioned here. I have found myself not saying things not only to my parents in the past (they tend to be overly sensitive even though sometimes there were things I should have spoken up on, not related to my marriage, though) but also with other Christians I know.
They will be insensitive (probably without realizing it) to me or say things that I don’t agree with scripturally, but find myself saying nothing anyway. I think instinctively I knew I didn’t know how to set boundaries, and stand by them gracefully, and also didn’t want to deal with the possibility of hurt feelings so I didn’t say anything, but as Cindy says, sometimes hurt feelings might happen but usually will pass and all these things are important.
I even had a Christian’s spouse (and the spouse is NOT a Christian) tell me I was making that spouse uncomfortable and for whatever reason the one who was uncomfortable never said anything even though I always told them to let me know (like if I asked too many questions about God, or shared too much of my own experiences, etc.) Needless to say - that person’s unwillingness to tell me that themselves, was all the more harder to take because they allowed an emotionally immature and spiritually dead spouse to tell me instead (a REALLY bad move in hindsight) and it caused more problems than necessary.
Over time things do add up and then it ends up coming out more harshly than if they were dealt with earlier on. God has been bringing "boundaries" to my attention lately, too. It’s something I never used or enforced (for myself), not heavily anyway, before. But God has really been having me grow in that area. As long as the boundaries are set according to scriptures you want to live by, that should be ok - just pray beforehand and have God give you the words if you need to share the boundaries with another who is overstepping them.
Thanks!
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