Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse
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In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. I hope you understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honoring Parents The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published). This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment.
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(USA) I feel like my husband puts his parents (and their respective spouses) ahead of me. How can I lovingly point this out without him feeling disrespected? He recently moved out of our house over this issue.
(UK) Hi, I have a question here. We have been married for just over a year now and right from my marriage, first we lived with my husband’s parents in India then we moved here to the UK because he was studying here. Here we lived with his younger brother and wife up until now, because initially he thought that I would be a help to his brother’s wife because she was pregnant when we got married.
So, we did stay there and I did all I could to help her all through this time. Now her son is a year old today and we are all happy for him. So now I asked my husband if we could move out and rent a place for ourselves. But now my husband is saying something else. His brother is wanting to buy a house. So my husband says that he will be able to help his brother with the mortgage if he stays with him and pays some rent to him every month and he expects me to support him as his wife. I feel very torn and confused as to what stand I should take. I cannot even discuss this with my parents because I don’t want them to judge my husband. But this thing has been stressing me and I do not feel the trust or love I used to for my husband or my in laws. Help me here please.
(USA) Daniel, I think you’re absolutely right on the frequency issue. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, but I am concerned that we have been expected to spend one evening every weekend with his family and all holidays. His brother and his brother’s wife have had some serious marital troubles because the wife often has other things planned for holidays, and his family resents her for this. A phone call every day is just very extreme in my opinion. I believe that your thoughts on “reasonable interaction” are much more realistic. I hope that you can come up with a compromise that both of you and BOTH of your families can be happy with before you decide to marry. Good luck!
(UNITED STATES) This is a wonderful discussion. As a divorce and family lawyer, I run into several clients who fail to implement the “Leave and Cleave” secret to marriage. As such, their marriage fails.
Leaving your parents does not mean that you ignore them, or cut them out of your life. You must always honor your parents, and love them. However, after you are married, you need to re-prioritize. Whereas in your singleness, your relationship with your parents may be second to God… in marriage, it takes even more backstep towards your new spouse, your new family and your new commitments.
Recently, I witnessed a couple – call them Steve and Kim. Steve comes from parents with good intentions. Having had Steve’s older sister at age 16, they prided themselves in staying married and having 3 children and being close. Celebration is at the heart of the values -they love entertaining, hosting parties with alcohol, dancing, the works! And they expected attendance at every one of these events.
Kim comes from a close family with its own set of family values. Kim’s parents immigrated from a foreign country to establish a better lifestyle for Kim and her brother. Though they value closeness, it is more revealed in frequent emails, telephone calls and small, intimate gatherings.
Steve’s parents paid for all of the children and the grandchildren to go on lavish vacations several times a year – skiing, cruise, etc. Steve’s parents purchased expensive gifts for all of their children, i.e., downpayments on homes, mortgage payments when they were unemployed, etc.
Kim’s parents were not as wealthy, and thus did not take extravagant vacations or give expensive gifts. However, they contributed in time what they lacked in money.
Steve and Kim enjoyed taking trips as newlyweds with Steve’s family. They were welcoming and accepting as long as they were willing participants in the organized events put on by Steve’s parents.
However, after the birth of their first baby – Kim began to take a step back. Having a child puts family values into check – and she no longer wanted to be surrounded by so much alcohol – and did not want to be participate in what she perceived is Steve’s father exerting control, subtlely, through money.
She began to limit the visits to once a month, yet still maintaining ways of communication via telephone and email.
Steve’s parents, when Steve and Kim began to withdraw from the functions, started pulling on the reins. It was unacceptable behavior. They made demand after demand on Kim’s time.
Kim, incidentally, was a hard-working woman who came from hard-working parents. Kim supported her parents, who spent all of their money on her education. Steve was also hard-working, but was not understanding – and not suspecting of the control his father was exercising by giving all of his children money.
Steve did not protect Kim’s decision. Instead, he pressured her to continue with Steve’s father’s traditions. He failed to “leave and cleave.” Kim began lashing out and disrespecting Steve’s parents and began confiding in her own parents. She failed to “leave and cleave”
The marriage is beginning to fail – and not only are both of them suffering, but Steve and Kim’s first baby, Audrina, is also suffering.
This is the sad, sad story of a couple that is now on the verge of divorce because both of them failed to “Leave and Cleave”. Follow the Bible. It’s the only way.
(UK) I am African by origin, and in the country where I came from, culturally, the parents’ consent has a strong and somewhat overbearing significance on the decision of whom one can marry, even churches in my country would not permit the wedding except parental consent is sought and granted. And one of the scriptures that the churches in that region have also cited to back this practice is Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1.
Does my choice of who to marry rest on my parent’s consent? If it does, then how can I be free from their ‘apron strings’ when the foundation was built on their choice in the first place? Is my decision to marry someone of my choice an act of disobedience? And isn’t this interpretation of this scripture more sociological than scriptural? Is there any scriptural backing for parental consent? Please I would like to know.
(US) Daniel, I hope that after all this time, you’ve managed to work out your problems, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I am in the same boat, except with the genders reversed. My bf’s family expects him to visit once a week, usually on Saturdays. I think this is kind of extreme, and I believe he does, too, but he won’t stand up to them on the issue. I am worried about what would happen if/when we were to get married. We are engaged, but I am pushing for a long engagement to see how things play out.
(USA) I have a complicated in-law problem. When my husband and I first started dating, everything went wonderfully with his parents and I loved spending time with them. But after we got married, things IMMEDIATELY changed drastically. Now out of seamingly nowhere, my mother-in-law has become incredibly hostile towards me and I am beginning to see signs of her hostility being directed toward my 5 year old son (from a previous marriage). My son has called my new husband ‘daddy’ almost from the time we started dating (2 years before we got married) as he is the only father figure he has ever known (my first husband is/was a dead beat dad) and my in-laws always treated my son and verbally said that they regarded my son as their own grandchild. Now I am becoming very confused (and honestly a little decieved, as I probably would have put off the wedding or done something about this before we got married for my son’s sake) about what has happened and what is going on.
I have tried gently talking to my husband about this but I can tell that it just distresses him and when he tries to talk to his mom about it, she puts him in a position of guilt and makes him feel like he has to ‘choose’ and that he is being a ‘bad’ son. Then she reminds him of how he is their only child, and how she had 3 late term miscarriages and had to bury those babies, and how they adopted a little girl for a month only for the birth mother to change her mind and to take the baby back, and then they went through so much financial expense to adopt him. The guilt that my husband is put under breaks my heart. I don’t know how to help him and still show respect and honor for him and his choices on how to deal with his family/stand up for myself and my son (and the baby on the way)/and help his mother (as she is obviously suffering).
She corners me when my husband is out of the room and berates me (sometimes in front of our son). She tells me that I need to tell my husband what to do (this usually happens when she tells him to do something and he tells her no) and then insinuates that he isn’t listening to her because I some how make him not listen to her. I believe that spouses can’t tell each other what to do – but rather discuss and suggest possiblities and then decide. Even though she is very hostle, I calmly tell her that it was his decision and she should talk to him about it and I can’t tell him what to do.
It’s obvious she has an alcohol issue and she reguarly mixes her wine with her sleeping pills and pain pills. When she does this, she adopts the attitude that I am ‘out to get her.’ And that my husband, ‘their only heir, won’t know where anything is when she dies because he’s never around and doesn’t know the stories behind the family heirlooms and they’ll just get sold off’ – but his repeated attempts to get her to go through everything with him and for her to tell him all the stories are blown off and ignored. I just try to be as accommodating as possible and kindly come up with different solutions, all of which are met with eye rolling and hostility.
The latest development has come in an incredibly painful form. She has begun to treat me as what I refer to as ‘the other woman.’ Before my husband and I started dating, he lived with his girlfriend before me. Then they broke up, and she moved out many months before we even started talking, let alone dating. The first few times I met his parents, we had talked about his ex (she was stalking my then boyfriend and was always doing something to try to get his attention) and she had told me how much she didn’t like her.
Now two years later, a few months after we got married, she cornered me in the kitchen when my husband was in the other room, and preceeded to tell me how she ‘needed time to get used to me’ and insinuated that I started dating her son while he was still with his ex (we’ll call her Ann) and how she didn’t approve of that. I just told her that my husband had given me a different understanding of the time line, but it fell on deaf ears. And now she has taken to criticizing everything from how my house is decorated to how I clean and says things like “Well that’s not what Ann would have done.” And she has even begun to talk about ‘Ann’ to my husband – a lot! She brings ‘Ann’ up in almost every conversation. If there is a TV show that she likes to watch and I don’t watch either by circumstance or due to its content (ex. desperate housewives – I don’t like the content. It’s a little offensive to me). It’s met by “Well Ann liked that show and watched it all the time.” It breaks my heart. It’s hard to be constantly reminded of that phase of my husband’s life to be so unfairly and unabashedly, and as my husband says unrealistically (because he says that his mother’s statements about his ex are not true at all anyway) compared to ‘her.’
I know her behavior is wrong, but what can I do? What can my husband do? How do you respectfully ‘leave and cleave’ with someone like this? How am I supposed to protect my children from the content and tone of the conversations that they have and probably will continue to overhear? How am I to honor and respect him best? It’s obvious that she is hurting, but how can I help her when she is so incredibly hostile?
Please help me. I am in desperate need of guidance.
(USA) Where do I find in the scriptures whereby a daughter honors her father before marriage?
(USA) I believe you may be referring to Exodus 20:12 and also Ephesians 6:1-3. These are great mandates given to us by the Lord. Just be careful how you use them. Sometimes they can be used as a type of emotional club against a “child.” Ephesians 6:4 points out the responsibility that fathers are supposed to keep in mind as well. If you aren’t careful and prayerful, being led by the Holy Spirit in your approach, you can cause more exasperation than anything else. Pray about the manner in which you want to use them to make your point.
It’s a real fine line we walk when we use scriptures to try to change the direction someone is traveling. It’s good to keep 2 Timothy 2:15 in mind, where we “correctly handle the word of truth.” Let the Lord be your guide here. If you seek His wisdom (like we’re told to do in James 1:5), emptying yourself of your own manner of doing things, and go with God’s way on this, you will be “correctly” handling the word of truth.
(USA) Hmm. Very interesting. Are you suggesting that if one set of parents lives next door and the other set lives on the other side of the world, the ones living next door should only be able to visit once every 18-24 months, because that is the extent of the other set of parents ability to visit? Come on!
(USA) I have an honest question I really would like to know the answer for. My husband’s parents have kept him bound to them through finacial means. He works under them and has for years. He also allows them to pay for the private education of our children as they did with all their grandchildren, but for our children there are always strings attached to it. They have many times tried to create discord in our marraige and have even tried to pay me to leave.
Recently during a painful 2nd trimester miscarriage they became very cruel to both my husband and I. His whole family actually did calling us selfish and self absorbed. To not react, we both pulled back during the month of actually losing the baby. During that time others started letting me know to watch my back that his family was really talking badly about me and that they were telling people that I was a problem. I let my husband know about it and asked him to please say something to them. They continued to try to get on good terms with him but I was completely out of the picture and they were doing nothing to make things right with me and were continuing to speak badly about me to residence and coworkers. My husband is very passive and has a hard time saying anything to his family and typically just tries to ignore things until it blows over but it always seems to spring back up somewhere.
My question is, am I wrong to want my husband to establish some boundries with them? I wanted him to just speak to them and let them know that when they do things to tear me down that it tears him down too and that if they do not want to have a working relationship with me then they will struggle to have one with him. My husband thinks I want revenge but I don’t see that. He says it won’t change anything and it may not change them but it would change everything for me because right now I feel like he just stands by and watches his family tear me apart and him doing and saying nothing against it is like giving his permission. Do I need to just let this go? Or what should I do?
I don’t feel comfortable being around them until it feels safe so I have right now told my husband that I would wait for him to do something the way he feels best but that I did not want to be around them until he did. Is that wrong? I don’t think it is and he didn’t either but now a month has gone by and he is losing his resolve and tells me it’s wrong and manipulative. I just know when we’ve had problems and my parents said anything negative about my husband I was quick to defend him and make it clear that I loved them but I loved my husband and didn’t want to hear anything like that from them and to please for our relationship, don’t make me choose because I would have to choose my husband. I guess I don’t understand why my husband will not do the same thing and how in his case he doesn’t think it’s right. Any suggestions would be wonderful. Thank you so much. I enjoyed reading these articles. I just wasn’t sure about a situation where inlaws were actually trying to break up a marriage.