Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse
43 Comments
In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. I hope you understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honoring Parents The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published). This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
(USA) This has been one of the most challenging aspects of our marriage for the past 24 years. My Husband has always taken the side of His parents when there was a disagreement. Leaving me to feel embarrassed and quite frankly unloved.
Now I’m angry and sometimes I want out because I can’t stand to be with him. It still exists even though His father is dead and his mother is 87. His loyalties to his family’s traditions are still intact. This has hurt me so much. I’m at a loss as of what to do or where to go.I’ve prayed, and I’ve saught Biblical counsel.
I believe I’m stuck in this marriage because God hates divorce. I know it isn’t about me either. I’m torn and feel nothing but despair.
(KENYA) I have always had problems with this issue. Sisters to my husband always call on him once in a while to go out with him. They spend the whole night out having left me in the house and sometimes I am not even aware of it and am expected to open the door for them when they come back at the wee hours in the morning. I do feel his family comes first and I come far last after the kids. I am contemplating leaving the marriage but again, what about the kids?
(USA) My husbands father has recently come back in to his life. In the past, we have not gotten along which is probably why he does not like me. This time when he arrived, he began to encourage my husband to leave me and our 3 children. We have been having difficulties in our marriage, but were working through it. Unfortunately, my husband eventually took his advice after an argument with me and moved out, moved in with his father and filed for divorce.
After a few weeks, my husband and I have been speaking about reconciliation to save our marriage and save our family. He has not told any of this to his father. When I call him and his Dad is around he is rude to me. When I speak to him privately, he is kinder. We are going away on a mini vacation with our children and it has come to my attention that my attendance in this is being kept a secret from his father.
I feel that his father’s influence is very negative and will make it difficult if not impossible to save our marriage, at least as long as he is living there. I can’t approach my husband about it because he gets very angry when I mention his father. I don’t know what to do and will likely lose my marriage partly due to the influence of this man. Please help!
(CANADA) I have the problem of my own parents thinking I don’t want them in my life when I told them (after I was a newlywed nearly six yrs ago) that I now have my own life, & they need to respect that. Ie. Don’t expect so many phone calls or visits just because you had so many with your parents, or don’t be offended if I ask that you give me a quick call that you’re coming over so I know to expect that.
There are a torrent of issues that arise when we speak with them.(as you can well imagine the accumulation of 6 yrs). Our most recent phone call went something like this “We’re calling to see if it’s possible for us to come & have a visit with you, & take our children along, we’d like to move on & put the past behind us, and we’re willing to forgive & we ask for your forgiveness as well.” Their response to this was that they are not willing to do so & want to cover all the issues. We gave them much allowance to voice their complaints while we listened, but in the end it was left that they’d like for us to come over & do it all again in person at their house.
We feel that their opinions of us are incorrect & we tell them that we do not dishonor them but love them & want a loving relationship with them especially for the sake of the kids who have no awareness of their existence. We promised them a call back, but we’re still not willing to rehash. The list of grievenses is endless and we cant always recall every incident. What should we do from here?
(USA) This is a wonderful website and I feel blessed to have found this.
I have been married for 10 years and basically, my husband never made the “transfer” of allegiance, support, etc, from his parents to me as his wife. To make matters worse, my in-laws have been verbally abusive (rude, crude, disrespectful comments, attitude that I am not good enough for their son, that I took him away, etc.). My husband has never and still will not stand up for me. It has affected our marriage so much that we are at the brink of divorce.
My father-in-law passed away earlier this year and my husband’s devotion to his mother is now even stronger. The closer he gets to her, the further away from me. I feel as though she is the other woman in my marriage. She is also controlling and outspoken to boot. In May she made a comment to my 8 yr old, “I have to get you a puppy, but we have to get rid of your mother first”. It could be argued that she was joking, but given the history and the fact that she then told my daughter not to repeat that back to me, (not saying she was joking or anything like that) I do not believe this is the case.
The incredibly devastating fact about all of this is that my husband was present when she said it and not only did he not correct her, he took her side through it all! Our daughter came to me upset about what she said and verbalized that she could not understand why her grandmother would say this about her mom. She wasn’t convinced she was joking either. I simply wanted to validate her feelings much like I had always wished my husband would validate mine. I drew a line, so to speak, (which I have never done in 10 years) and insisted we would be staying away until such time as she made things right with at least our daughter and our kids would not be allowed at her house without me present for a while since it is not right to put them in that kind of situation where they have to be exposed to hurtful things being said about their mother.
He told me I behaved like a two year old since I was upset about it when I should have just let it go, that I made a big deal about it. She finally came to our home for what I thought was to apologize, but she refused to and accused my daughter of “taking it out of context”. She flat out said she did nothing wrong and was not about to apologize since she did not do anything. She behaved so terrible and in our home, all while my husband sat there and supported ALL of it! I sat there and cried, our daughter balled when she left. It was horrible!
Any advice on how to behave honorably even in the face of a situation such as mine and how to keep my dignity intact? I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted because of all of this, not to mention my health is now suffering. I have been working on deepening my faith and turning to God. It has gotten so bad that my husband turns all of it around and accuses me of not “accepting” his family and how he “is” (as though their behavior is a personality trait that I cannot accept due to my inability/flaw to accept people for how they are).
I believe this is a core value in our marriage so foundational that I also believe the “poison” from the lack of transfer has seeped into all areas of our relationship. I became hurt and angry (mind you, this has been going on for years!) and for a long time, I took it out on him. I never disrespected his parents, but I took my anger and hurt out on my husband in unhealthy ways. Now, unfortunately, we are at a place where I have stopped doing that, but he will not “forgive” me and says that he did not hurt me that bad, and basically, there is no excuse for me.
It is an incredible mess… one that I believe only God can fix! Some encouraging verses from scripture to help me be patient, quiet and act honorably while I wait on God, would really be appreciated… oh and any prayers would always be welcomed! Thank you.
(P.S. My husband has 1 brother who is married and whose relationship has also been at the brink due to the VERY same situation!)
(USA) Hi, As I was reading your story I thought we must have the same mother in law. I have experienced the same situation from both of my in laws. My husband for over 20 years acted the same as yours. It is very painful and makes you feel unloved when your husband does not forsake all others for your well being.
Your husband has been conditioned from birth to act a certain way with his Mom to keep the peace. His immaturity to cut the apron strings is your biggest problem. Without true salvation your Mother in law will not get better. The more she sees she is getting to you, the more she will act foolish. Please read Jan Silvious’ book, Foolproofing Your Life: How to Deal Effectively with the Impossible People in Your Life
. It will help you see that some family members are foolish and will never change. We must pray for them but keep our communication with them to a minimum.
Be unavailable to your Mother in Law. If she comes to visit leave or go to your bedroom and pray. Pray that God will change her and pray that God will grow your husband from a boy to a Man. If Holidays are a trigger and they normally are for foolish family members, then stay away from them. Tell your husband to go and visit but do not go yourself. Jealous Mother in Laws love to punish their daughter in laws at Christmas for having their baby boy. Mother in laws with this problem tend not to have a good marriage or no husband. They use their children for intimacy that is missing in their lives. It is a sick situation and one only God can change.
I have seen the most progress within my own marriage when I quit defending myself, and quit communication with the in laws. When they can’t fight with you, they will eventually begin to take it out on your husband.
Continue to pray for your husband and Mother in Law. Ask God to defend you in your silence. He will comfort you. He is our husband when our husband’s won’t be one. My prayers are with you. Please don’t give up on your marriage. Let God grow your skin a little thicker and learn to let insults go in one ear and out the other. Remember our fight is not againt flesh and bone, but against Satan himself. Satan would love to tear your family apart. Don’t let him. Bite your tongue, and I promise God himself will be your defender…
(USA) You fail to address the really severe instances where parents are or were abusive or are antagonistic to Christian faith and practice, so that the children are faced with demands for honor from parents who are actually dangerous spiritually, emotionally, or physically to their children and grandchildren.
For instance how would you deal with having a mother-in-law who thinks nothing of watching gay men cavort on TV in front of your children when you are not present?
I think the sugar and spice you are offering here needs to be properly mixed with God’s standard for holiness. Sometimes holiness is the loneliest and most hurtful path you must walk as a Christian and it is made even worse when adult children are so dependent on their parents that they cannot see that Mommy and Daddy not only don’t want Jesus but actually hate Him. God bless.
(USA) Hi all, I would really like to get some feedback concerning this situation. I will try to explain everything clear and as brief as possible, but I just don’t know what to do at this point of my marriage.
Just to give you a brief history my husband never got along with my divorced parents, especially my mom. First, I cannot get along with them and we always argue (which I know it doesn’t help my husband to respect them). Second, my parents are not too fond of him, my mother constantly disrespects him. Third, they are very manipulative over me (being their only child), and I have shared some things with him as of what they used to do to me. My husband has been very protective over me and forbids my parents in visiting our home and I agreed. He has a very close bond with his mother and I admit to both of them that it made me jealous, he wishes to put her in a better house and just give her the whole world to her (I can understand she is really a wonderful woman, but this was making me think where should a MARRIED man draw a line!!!).
I tried bonding with my mother, but it turns into a constant reminder why I stay away from her –she constantly criticizes us, spreads our business on the street, lies, and tries to turn me against my husband. I have a love & hate relationship with my mother. She has done a lot of damage in my life but I believe she did try her best to take care of me when I was young, while my father was fooling around. My father and I stay at bay.
My husband and I have been married going on 5 years (Dec 30). I was going through my first miscarriage (I have no children). Sunday Dec 25, I was having a fever, look pale, and so my husband took me to the ER. The doctor’s schedule me for the following morning (Monday, Dec 26th) to do the D & C procedure and a blood transfusion since I was losing so much blood. Then I was in the intensive care unit overnight and released on Tuesday afternoon, Dec 27th. I called my mother Sunday evening that I was in the ER to inform her what was going on (at this point I was not sure if they were going to do the D & C procedure) and coincidentally she was an the ER with a friend. My husband refused to call her or be around her. I called her on Tuesday, but she said she would visit me at my home –thinking under the circumstance my husband would allow her. He said NO! I was upset that day –only two of my close friends came by to visit me.
Yesterday, my husband and I had a full blown out argument about my mother not coming just to visit me and other issues came up concerning how I am trying to be a good Christian to honor my parents regardless the damage they have done –at least treat them with kindness and dignity. Also, I felt it was unfair if he makes it his business to help his family by whatever means, then why can’t I? I honestly don’t know what to do with my parents, deal with my conflicting feelings concerning how my husband treat his family and my family, and honoring my husband.
Sorry I tried to make it clear as possible for all to understand the dynamics of this situations. Please keep us in prayer –this marriage has been hanging on a string for a while, for various issues.
(CANADA) Thank you for this post. I am in a real pickle! When I got married I had 3 children and my now husband (then 39) was still living with his parents on their farm. He had built a house 6 km away but never finished it to move in. We got married, finished and moved into the house and 10 years ago became followers of Christ. I love the word of God and he still has not ever opened it up to read it. He does go to church when he’s not busy but that’s the extent of his spiritual life besides me sharing things with him sometimes. I know that that is between him and the LORD though.
From day one there have been problems with the attachment he still has to his parents, especially his mother. He spends 7 days a week at their house (where his cattle are) and only eats maybe 4 meals a year with me and the kids. My older 3 are now young adults and gone but we now have 2 of our own, 12 & 9. For the past 11 years I have prayed, read every book I can about being a good wife and an obedient follower of Jesus. He has been verbally very abusive to me, vulger name calling, I have no knowledge or access to our financial situation but his parents know all about our finances and my husband’s decision making concerning farming matters. His father has also on a couple of occasions sworn at me and called me vile names telling me that he is the boss and I better not ever talk back to him. My husband knew he was doing this and just went outside.
Years ago I tried to say something to my husband about his mother’s manipulating behaviours and he was so furious I never even tried to bring it up again. His parents have done hurtful things to my older children and when I told my husband that it hurt me and the kids he completely defended their actions and said it was their right to do what they want. I feel like I am living in enemy territory. I love my kids and God and I want to honour and obey Him and I’ve tried to love him and his parents, sincerely.
My husband also does not sleep with me and has had no physical or sexual contact with me in 8 years yet when I ask him if he loves me he will say yes? It is so lonely. I am at the end of my rope and I am getting to the point where I don’t even care anymore if it changes. The tension and anger in his family is more than I can bare! I am certainly not without faults and I definitely miss the mark or respond at times in ways I wish I wouldn’t have but I feel like I’m on my own, praise the LORD for His loving kindness! That’s the only way I could still have joy!
I am so afraid of confronting him now because in the past if I even try and say I need to talk to you and share anything uncomfortable he gets mad and I either argue back and it ends in a fight or I shut down. I will not consider the D word but I also see that as long as I stay here nothing is changing. I don’t want to hurt my kids by being away from their dad but I don’t want them to think this is normal or godly living. I am now seeing a Christian counsellor and that is helping me keep my head above water. I love Jesus and His mighty word, my saving grace for sure.
I now believe my husband will not deal with anything unless and until he is forced to. 2 weeks ago I gave him my wedding ring set and told him that unless and until he is willing to truly commit to our marriage I’m not willing to wear this symbol or attend events with him any longer. I realized those rings were all I had to prove to myself I was married and that’s not what they were meant for. He just took them and said I don’t care. I said “now that I believe.” That’s where we are at now. I sometimes wish he would just say I don’t love you and I don’t want to live together anymore because as it crazy as it feels to me at this point it would be easier to deal with. Sorry for the log-winded comment, I’m a desperate woman. Any words of godly wisdom would be welcomed. In Him -Jamie
(USA) A British scholar has some free comments about divorce and headship, http://www.btinternet.com/%7Elmf12/. I would like to find information about a spouse’s responsibility when the other spouse has chosen an unbiblical remarriage.
I failed to succeed in my attempt to “leave and cleave”. Without being radical on “leave and cleave”, I failed to maintain necessary boundaries which caused me extreme stress. I shouldn’t have allowed my parents’ influence and advise without my invitation. I realize I was too weak to stand on my own feet as the leader of my family. No wonder she divorced me. We will remain as one flesh until death. Even God waits through his divorce with Israel.
(USA) Dear Friends,
Two years into marriage and still struggling with spouses’ loyalty issues – the extended family often comes first. Tried to resolve the problem though counseling and talking to the parties involved. Constantly praying. Any suggestions on what could be done? The situation went into some serious extremes. I almost lost hope in ever creating a family unit consisting of husband, wife and their children. Thank you -I would appreciate your godly advice.