Changing Allegiance From Parents To Spouse
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In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. I hope you understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honoring Parents The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this honor expressed in daily life? You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays—Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
The above article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published). This book is divided into two sections: Premarital Growth and Marital Growth. The first section is designed for people who are in the process of becoming the kind of persons who will be “fitting,” or “suitable,” marriage partners. The second section speaks to those couples who have already said “I do” and are now trying to fulfill that commitment.
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(USA) I have known my husband for 4 years now. We met online. I am originally from Florida and he is from Georgia where we live now. We got married 2 years ago and have a 4 month old son. The situation that I have is that his parents and my brother know everything about our marriage and now that we are seeking counseling they know about that too. I lost my car in June and my husband has been telling them that I am an inconvenience to him. I know that I am not perfect and do not submit to him like I should, but I wish that we did not live 20 minutes from his family and he would stop talking about me to his family and my brother.
A marriage is 3 people, not 6. When my Mom does come and visit I feel that he does not want her here and is jealous that she has gotten to spend more time with our son than his parents who only see him 1 or 2 hours every Sunday and they live so close. I know I talk to my Mom, but she sees it from both sides whereas he just tells them from his perspective.
I liked this article and would love to know if anyone has that book toward a growing marriage, would love to read it because I found that it related to my situation a lot and found it funny because it was describing the situation perfectly. I just need some advice as to what to do. He does not want to leave his family and cleave to me as the Bible says and his parents do not help him do that. Any advice would be great, thanks!
(USA) Hello everyone. I am very blessed to have come across this site. So here goes my story. I have been married only 3 months. My parents are older and my father is a pastor. Before I was married I dated my husband off and on for about 6 years. My parents did not like the situation because he had been in trouble when he was younger and we had a very bad breakup that involved my family. Before we got engaged my now husband tried to talk with them about getting engaged but they did not want to hear this even though we had sat down previously with them discussing our intent. So we ended up getting engaged anyways.
Later When we did not attend a family dinner to greet an out of town family member because we were already out but planned to drop by later my family was hot. To add to that my siblings began saying bad things and texting his phone.
Fast forward, we are married now and I am part of my parent’s church. During pre marital counseling with a Christian counselor we discussed me transitioning out of my parent’s church so we can establish our own way. The ministry is in a bind and still need my services. When we first got married he began going for a few Sundays and then he got upset because I was taking too long to transition out of the ministry. My husband still has hurt feelings toward my family and does not want to go anymore but is still pretty cordial. I expressed to my father that we would have to take some time for us to look for a church that fits both of us and we are currently looking, but sometimes I still want to visit the church to help out some, as I was their musical worship leader, and since my departure no one has been found to take my place. But my husband feels we need to set boundaries and not go around them as much. I figured going once a month wouldn’t hurt until they get things together but my husband says by making him go I am not being considerate of how he feels about the situation.
I would probably consider myself stronger in the Word than he but he desires to be the head but feels he can never be the head of our household because I am still doing what my father/pastor needs. My parents are the hands on type of parents, great people, but overly involved, where he comes from a background where it’s more of a hands off approach to do as they please. He feels my parents are controlling and care too much. I feel his parents don’t care at all, which is why I feel like he feels my parents are smothering him.
He feels that if we do not follow how my parents feel we should be that it’s either their way of the highway. He feels I put my family first because of being a part of the church means I tend to go more and do more because they are not just my parents but my father is my pastor and I know the needs of the church. Am I wrong for wanting to at least want both my husband and I to show up together as a married couple? Am I wrong for wanting to look for another church to begin with? Am I wrong for asking my husband to come and visit with me at least sometimes when I go to my father’s church? Is there a way to truly balance husband and family?
How do I make my parents understand that I am not dishonoring them by making a change of church in the midst of them needing help with the church? How do you leave and cleave when your pastor is your father? What do you tell the church about leaving? How do I make my husband feel first? My husband tells me I need to leave and cleave but how do I make him see leaving and cleaving does not mean that he should not have any dealings with them? I have been trapped between my husband being ready and family not ready to get things right to my family wanting things right but my husband not. I am so very stuck… how do I leave and cleave? I do want to own up to my part in all of this as he says I do not support him and I can honestly say sometimes I haven’t because I felt he was being picky and stubborn, but many times I have been supportive because he is right and he is my husband. I have prayed so hard on this subject… any advice will help!!!
(JAMAICA) Hi Serita, I understand how you must feel and I hope your situation gets resolved before it gets to my stage.
I too am contemplating finding another church …but how does one do that and not feel guilty – esp. because my assembly is small and they too need my assistance? One thing I can advise though… don’t make the mistakes I made… know when not to answer and when to answer… and know where to draw the line.
(JAMAICA) I’m a 27 yr old married woman (been married 1 year and 6 months). I’m having difficulty dealing with my parents… in particular my mother. My immediate family is a very close knit familly and my parents are also our pastors. I find my parents to be (in my opinion) manipulative. If I don’t take their advice they use scriptures saying that i’m not being obedient or saying that I’m losing my values. They are VERY involved in my marriage to the point where they know our schedules, finances, sleep styles, etc…
I blame us because initially my husband and I felt guilty when we didn’t want to share info. But now it seems as though everything they do for us means we have to do things for them… What makes matters worst is that it’s difficult for them to draw the line between pastor and parent so anytime we disagree with them or have an argument we end up hearing that we are arguing with our pastors…
The disrespect I face is one as blatant as this: my famaily comes to my apartment and I request that they remove their shoes before coming inside. My mother walks right in with her shes on. When I gently remind her that shoes are to be left outside she ‘kisses her teeth’ dismisses me with a wave of her hand and says “I don’t want to get my feet dirty”. We would be having a heated discussion at her house and she begins to call me names “don’t be a jackass” etc… simply because I’m dissagreeing with her…
My husband doesnt like it. She often calls him an idiot. When confronted about it, it causes an argument and my dad comes to her rescue by telling me that she is my pastor etc… I’m truly sick of it!
Right now we (especially myself) are at the point were there is somewhat of a feud. Just recently, as a result of a big argument I had with them (esp my mother) over them disrespecting both myself and my husband, I was told not to come back to their house (for some reason I felt relief in hearing this) because they stated that I don’t respect them.
My husband also has a hard time calling them dad and mom… he just calls them pastors… In our first year of marriage the majority of our arguments were as aresult of my mothers ‘suggestions’ which were forced upon us rather than us requesting them.
I love my parents… I really do… but their behaviour is driving me away… and the sad part is that our arguments tend to spill over in to church sessions… I don’t want to be a bad examle to other church members… but it’s hard to be respectful etc when even there, both myself and my husband, are being disrespected -even if it is in a subtle way.
At this point I’m almost ready to just let them be and do a cut off… The verse that says children obey your parents… how does this relate to a now married woman? And how do you honor/respect parents that are constantly rude and disrespectful to you… even in your own home? Lastly… where does one draw the line between parent and pastor relationship?
(USA) I am wondering what to do about my husband. I am recently married. I am, unfortunately, most likely going to have to work on both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. His family does a huge celebration for Thanksgiving which lasts the entire weekend. The celebration is about five hours away and I will most likely start work at 9pm on Thanksgiving day, which means it would be a hardship to go.
My husband insists that he will go to the celebration without me, but this leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Isn’t he supposed to be with me first? I’m going to be all alone on Thanksgiving. His reasoning is that he rarely sees his cousins (who live 6 hours away). I probably would be able to go that Saturday, but it seems he is unwilling to compromise. Am I wrong to think that he should stay home with me, at least on Thanksgiving day?
(USA) Megan, I don’t think you are out of line to ask him to stay. It seems selfish to me for him to leave you… maybe you can compromise, maybe work have day and be a little late to the celebration. Best of luck.
(USA) Hello, My son got married to a beautiful young lady. We have had our differences but Praise God all has worked out very well. I was just recently talking to my Daughter in law and she told me some shocking news. Her mother believes that the scripture that says a man shall leave his mother and father… is literally for the man only! Her parents are pastors and I know they know better.
It is putting a lot of strain on my son as he has been told they, his mother in law, are to always be in their life to the point of buying property with them in mind! I think this is wrong as they have their own two children and the mother in law is very demanding of their time… am I wrong to think that the wife as well needs to leave and cleave?
(SOUTH AFRICA) My situation goes like this, I’m am 21 year old man. I still live with my parents because I can’t afford yet to live on my own yet. My girlfriend (22) and family don’t get along. My parents accept her, but not my sister keeps putting horrible things in their head about her. I’m always the middle man and I’m tired of it. I decided I want to join the Portuguese army then I’m far far away and then neither party will have me anymore.
My family is one of my foundations but I love her with my whole heart and would like to get married to her when I’m more financially stable. In the meantime she is suffering so much because of this. She landed in the hospital twice because of all the stress I have been putting on her. What do I do because I don’t know anymore?
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for this article! I actually came across this website while searching for biblical information about whether or not wives are supposed to separate from their parents. My wife and I have been married for almost 16 months now, and I definitely feel like her parents have been too involved for the duration of our marriage so far. I have expressed to her repeatedly in the past that I feel she talks and texts to all of them (her mother in particular, but also her younger brother and father) a bit much, but she has told me that she feels like her relationship with them is normal. I have to admit that this has resulted in some pretty heated discussions between the both of us, and I have wrongly lost my temper because of her position. I have felt like she is choosing her family over my wishes as her husband.
Anyway, I feel like her family has been overly involved for more reasons that just the frequency of contact. When my wife and I have had disagreements in the past, her mother has even interposed herself as our mediator. I kindly expressed to her through a text message that I felt that we were supposed to learn how to resolve our own issues, and it made my mother-in-law cry! She called my wife and talked about how she had lost her daughter. The worst part is that my wife, instead of telling her mom that we did need to learn to resolve our own issues, catered to her mother’s needs. Instead of choosing to follow my lead as her husband, she chose to give in to her mother’s difficulty letting us live on our own.
As our marriage progressed for the next several months, my wife continued to call her mother more than once a day, about pretty much everything. It could have been to ask for advice, or to talk about her day. I felt overlooked, and it must have been obvious to my wife. She would often ask me why I was so quiet and sad all of the time. I felt like there was nothing that I could do, though. She already knew how I felt about the issue, and she had chosen to ignore my feelings.
Within the past few months, I have grown more and more resentful towards my in-laws, as well as to my wife. I have allowed myself to get out of control, oftentimes losing all control of my temper. In mid-November, my wife moved out unexpectedly, leaving me a note. I was hurt beyond belief, and my resentment was increased exponentially. She has been living with her parents since then, and I feel like there is nothing that I can do but leave her alone. All of my efforts to bring her back have only resulted in heated arguments between the two of us, which always end very poorly. At this point, I have resigned to give her the space that she wants. The problem is that with every day that I spend apart from her, she builds her relationship with her family even stronger.
I never wanted my wife to cut off her family, but the amount of involvement and contact was just too much for me. I feel like my wife should have been willing to let go of these things, since I expressed my wishes to her on multiple occasions. I should not have allowed my anger to control my actions, which I now regret greatly. However, I feel like my own sins were not the initial problem with our marriage.
In early January, I sent my wife a long, detailed Bible study that I had completed that included every Scripture that I could find about husbands and wives. I expressed (in a Word document, in an email) that I felt that husbands and wives were supposed to place each other first in each other’s lives, and that each other’s desires should be paramount. I expressed to her very calmly how I believed a marriage was supposed to work, and that we needed to be allowed to cultivate our own life as independent individuals. I apologized for my own demonstrations of anger, and I promised that we could both work on our issues together if she would come back to be my wife again.
To my dismay, my wife did not respond well to my Bible study. She did not feel that I had the right to send her anything of the sort, because it was supposedly my own anger that drove our marriage to the sorry state that it is in. She viewed my study as a self-righteous excuse for my behavior. She told me that I should have been apologizing for what I did without asking anything in return.
Please help me. I am living by myself now, and I think about my wife every day. I do not know where I should go from here. She has asked for space, and I told her that I would give it to her. We no longer talk to each other or see each other at all, and it is incredibly hard for me. I have actually spoken with her mother about everything, as well, and I was encouraged by my mother-in-law to give my wife space. After two months of fighting, I finally agreed to stop trying. If my wife ever wants to come back to me, I will welcome her. For now, though, I am having a hard time coping with the situation.
Was my position about the involvement and contact too harsh? Please give me your honest opinion. All I wanted was to be able to cultivate our own life together, and to figure out married life as independent adults. The problem is that my wife is not interested in doing this. She just seems too attached to her family, to the point that she would rather be with them than live with my desires. Please help. God bless you all.
(NIGERIA) I don’t know what your courtship was like. You should have seen traces of strong family ties in her. However it is obvious she is not ready to be committed to you in this marriage. I sense immaturity on her part. And I guess she is not a strong believer in Christ. Have faith, love is stronger than fire, keep praying and I know she will wake up one day crying back home to you pleading to be forgiven. Love conquers all.
(USA) I am a Christian and I hardly ever see my only son. If I call or text my daughter-in-law seldom answers even though we have never had a single argument. My son does not carry a phone. I’m disabled and needed help and I called last week. She said she would tell him but I never heard back. For mother’s day I got a text saying “Happy Mother’s Day.” They did not even pick up the phone even though I’m not much of a talker. I only live 13 minutes away. I want to respond in an appropriate manner, but I don’t want to force my presence on them. I never drop by unexpectedly and she has not been to my home in over a year.