Leaving your parents does not mean that you ignore them, or cut them out of your life. You must always honor your parents, and love them. However, after you are married, you need to re-prioritize. Whereas in your singleness, your relationship with your parents may be second to God… in marriage, it takes even more backstep towards your new spouse, your new family and your new commitments.

Recently, I witnessed a couple – call them Steve and Kim. Steve comes from parents with good intentions. Having had Steve’s older sister at age 16, they prided themselves in staying married and having 3 children and being close. Celebration is at the heart of the values -they love entertaining, hosting parties with alcohol, dancing, the works! And they expected attendance at every one of these events.

Kim comes from a close family with its own set of family values. Kim’s parents immigrated from a foreign country to establish a better lifestyle for Kim and her brother. Though they value closeness, it is more revealed in frequent emails, telephone calls and small, intimate gatherings.

Steve’s parents paid for all of the children and the grandchildren to go on lavish vacations several times a year – skiing, cruise, etc. Steve’s parents purchased expensive gifts for all of their children, i.e., downpayments on homes, mortgage payments when they were unemployed, etc.

Kim’s parents were not as wealthy, and thus did not take extravagant vacations or give expensive gifts. However, they contributed in time what they lacked in money.

Steve and Kim enjoyed taking trips as newlyweds with Steve’s family. They were welcoming and accepting as long as they were willing participants in the organized events put on by Steve’s parents.

However, after the birth of their first baby – Kim began to take a step back. Having a child puts family values into check – and she no longer wanted to be surrounded by so much alcohol – and did not want to be participate in what she perceived is Steve’s father exerting control, subtlely, through money.

She began to limit the visits to once a month, yet still maintaining ways of communication via telephone and email.

Steve’s parents, when Steve and Kim began to withdraw from the functions, started pulling on the reins. It was unacceptable behavior. They made demand after demand on Kim’s time.

Kim, incidentally, was a hard-working woman who came from hard-working parents. Kim supported her parents, who spent all of their money on her education. Steve was also hard-working, but was not understanding – and not suspecting of the control his father was exercising by giving all of his children money.

Steve did not protect Kim’s decision. Instead, he pressured her to continue with Steve’s father’s traditions. He failed to “leave and cleave.” Kim began lashing out and disrespecting Steve’s parents and began confiding in her own parents. She failed to “leave and cleave”

The marriage is beginning to fail – and not only are both of them suffering, but Steve and Kim’s first baby, Audrina, is also suffering.

This is the sad, sad story of a couple that is now on the verge of divorce because both of them failed to “Leave and Cleave”. Follow the Bible. It’s the only way.

So, we did stay there and I did all I could to help her all through this time. Now her son is a year old today and we are all happy for him. So now I asked my husband if we could move out and rent a place for ourselves. But now my husband is saying something else. His brother is wanting to buy a house. So my husband says that he will be able to help his brother with the mortgage if he stays with him and pays some rent to him every month and he expects me to support him as his wife. I feel very torn and confused as to what stand I should take. I cannot even discuss this with my parents because I don’t want them to judge my husband. But this thing has been stressing me and I do not feel the trust or love I used to for my husband or my in laws. Help me here please.

I do think the following verses apply, however. The Bible talks about when someone gets married they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse. This is the process of leaving the old family and creating a new one. That’s not to say parents can’t live with kids, but that the spouse will take place over the parent, generally speaking (there might be exceptions or extenuating circumstances at times).

The following verses speak to that very subject in the New KJV version: Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."
Matthew 19:5 "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh?" Mark 10:7 "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."

This is also a verse that came to mind: Matthew 10:34-35 34"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth. I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law."

This is talking not that families should fight but that when you get down to brass tacks and you are faced with a tough situation like that and you are trying to choose and do God’s will, there will be times when following Christ will cost you things (this concept is all over the Bible), including family members, in some cases.

You are probably familiar with Ephesians 5 where it talks about wives and husbands and how husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. You are respecting your husband and in order to teach the children to do the same (as their father) then if it means you have to pluck out someone who is damaging that, then that is what it means.

Only you really know if you were disrespectful in the way you presented your concerns. I was not there. Is it possible you could have said it nicer, well maybe, I don’t know. If you feel convicted then that is for you to decide and pray about.

But conceptually – your decision to ask your Mother to respect your husband, as long as you are being specific and can point out gracefully how she might do things differently, is ok and I see it as being scriptural.

I will leave you with one last verse and that is about "rebuking" an elder (in this case your mother). I Timothy 5 "Rebuke not an elder, but entreat him as a father, and the younger as brethren, 2 the elder women as mothers, the younger as sisters, in all purity."

I think this means you can ask them, politely, not to do certain things but don’t do it in a rebuking way because that would be disrespectful and against scripture.

Well, my life with her was hard to grasp. She basically used to hurt me emotionally. There was a time in my life when I would lock myself in my bedroom at night and would cry until I fell asleep. I won’t go into the other things that I faced growing up with her (she had many sex partners). At the end, she loved us and I feel that I shouldn’t judge her. Since she moved in she has shown no respect for my husband…in a silent way or behind his back. For example "John hasn’t done this or that" "wow, not smart at all" and other things.

I confronted her about this, and told her that she either respects him or she will have to leave because my children are learning this. Yes, it sounds harsh, but I’ve been on the verge of divorce for some time now due to this. It got heated, and I ended up throwing in her face all the stuff I typed earlier. Today, she said that she is leaving. To please consider her dead, and that she will see me as a "daughter of hers that lives in the US" She also said, "you are welcome in our country but I will NEVER set foot in a house of yours." She said that I disrespected and dishonored her. That she knows my husband and kids are a priority, but that I will see in the future. That I violated the commandments and because I am young I don’t see my faults…but that I will see.

Tell me what I did please; I thought I could open up. She has been hurting our family for a while. I consulted with a pastor and he suggested that she either is respectful or has to leave; otherwise, I could end up with abroken marriage. I know that’s not her intention. I feel that even after consulting with that pastor, and praying in unity with my husband, I still did something wrong.

While we (my husband and I) hosted an anniversary party for our family (extended version excluded) my mother insists on having a party for the extended part because she insists they’re the only family we have in this country. This makes me feel awful every time. But after discussing this with my husband we decided to wait until next summer to have more people over. We have a small home but a nicely finished big backyard allowing us to have more people over.

I also feel my mother resents the fact that my husband’s family is bigger and whenever we host something at our house there’s 4 vs 15. Shouldn’t this be my new family and isn’t it time to separate from the extended family which now is becoming bigger and bigger because everyone is having kids? If I invite one person I need to invite the other related group. Am I becoming anti-social or should I continue to host separate parties to accommodate everyone and keep everyone happy and off my back?

They will be insensitive (probably without realizing it) to me or say things that I don’t agree with scripturally, but find myself saying nothing anyway. I think instinctively I knew I didn’t know how to set boundaries, and stand by them gracefully, and also didn’t want to deal with the possibility of hurt feelings so I didn’t say anything, but as Cindy says, sometimes hurt feelings might happen but usually will pass and all these things are important.

I even had a Christian’s spouse (and the spouse is NOT a Christian) tell me I was making that spouse uncomfortable and for whatever reason the one who was uncomfortable never said anything even though I always told them to let me know (like if I asked too many questions about God, or shared too much of my own experiences, etc.) Needless to say – that person’s unwillingness to tell me that themselves, was all the more harder to take because they allowed an emotionally immature and spiritually dead spouse to tell me instead (a REALLY bad move in hindsight) and it caused more problems than necessary.

Over time things do add up and then it ends up coming out more harshly than if they were dealt with earlier on. God has been bringing "boundaries" to my attention lately, too. It’s something I never used or enforced (for myself), not heavily anyway, before. But God has really been having me grow in that area. As long as the boundaries are set according to scriptures you want to live by, that should be ok – just pray beforehand and have God give you the words if you need to share the boundaries with another who is overstepping them.

Thanks!

Go into the “Dealing with Parents” section and read what the Lord points you to read. NOW would be the best time to deal with these issues instead of letting grievances accumulate. Your parents will probably be hurt at first, but eventually, if you handle things right, and they are mature enough to see the wisdom in honoring the “leave and cleave” principle the Bible tells us to live by, things will improve. If not, you may have to put up even more boundaries, which would be sad for all.

Just be as kind and gracious, and yet firm as you feel you should be over the matters that are important to you. Sometimes their intentions may be pure, because they love and miss “their little girl.” But their “little girl” has grown up and has married and she has the right to have the space she needs. Their wording, in how they criticize how you handle things, is obviously upsetting you. They just have to learn when to speak and when to be quiet. As parents, we can’t live our children’s lives for them — no matter how “wise” we may think our advice could be.

Consider that someday you may be in their place if you have children. Try to imagine how you would feel, and give them the graciousness that you would want. But don’t give them so much graciousness that you resent them. That would just complicate things all the more. I pray the Lord ministers in and through you in this situation. God bless!

My own family on the other hand, calls up all the time to check up on me to see if I’m alright. They criticize the fact that "I don’t see them anymore" even though I see them ALL the time, they miss me constantly. Whenever they come visit, they tell me to clean up the house so my husband would appreciate it, and on and on…and on.

I have been polite to them up till now. We have decided early on that the first year would be mostly observation of things done and said, then at the 1-yr, anniversary, we’ll sit down and discuss boundaries, things we liked/didn’t like about the year, etc. However, I’m at my breaking point. I’m so tired of my own family criticizing everything I say and do, and I have felt like running to my mother-in-law on more than one occasion. How in the world can I keep the peace until our 1-yr. anniversary?

They should keep in mind that the same thing can be said in different ways — a softened respectful approach as opposed to a degrading harsh approach will bring about different results. The scripture says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A person is not responsible for the way the respectful “truth” they are speaking is received (as long as they have prayed about it and they feel the Lord would have them speak this truth). But if they prayerfully speak it in love, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, they have attempted to reconcile a situation in a peaceable manner — which is Biblical.

The important thing is to make sure that the husband and wife are mindful of the fact that they are to be a marital team. They are to find ways to be supportive of each other and try to honor each other’s parents to the best of their abilities and yet still make the concerns of their marital partner their number one human priority.