My six year old was dazzled the first time he heard the Welsh language being spoken. “Mom,” he said, “it sounds like they’re scribbling with their tongues.” (Mickey Miller Regal) 

Have you ever felt like your spouse was “scribbling with their tongue” as you’re trying to understand what they’re talking about because it just doesn’t make any sense to you?

In our almost 35 years of marriage we can personally testify that we’ve been there many, many times when one of us will say something and the other will completely miss the point in what the other person is saying. And when this occurs it can be confusing and painful—for both of us!

So, to help all of us “unscramble” some of the mystery involved in this communication gap we’d like to share with you a portion of what Dr Swihart (the Director of Counseling Services for Focus on the Family) wrote in the excellent book titled, “The First Five Years of Marriage,” which is a Focus on the Family Resource, published by Tyndale House Publishers www.family.org.

Whether you’ve been married one year, five, or many more, we believe you’ll benefit from the following, because as Swihart says, (which we’ve found to be true):

“Any marriage counselor can provide tons of examples of husbands and wives who, having lived together for 20 or 30 years, are in some ways a mystery to each other. The obvious answer is that God chose to wire males and females very differently. Some would even suggest that this illustrates His sense of humor.”

He then goes on to say:

It’s possible that the communication gender gap lies in how messages are perceived. But the style and content of the messages themselves differ, too. Men tend to use language to transmit information, report facts, fix problems, clarify status, and establish control. Women are more likely to view language as a means to greater intimacy, stronger or richer relationships, and fostering cooperation rather than competition.

In other words, it’s “debate vs. relate.” That means you and your spouse may be tuned in to very different “meanings” in what each of you is saying. This provides fertile ground for conflict, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings. What one of you thinks is the other’s “hidden meaning” can be 180 degrees out of phase with what the speaker really intends to communicate.

This can easily lead to distorted conclusions about the other person’s motivations. “She’s an unreasonable, demanding nag who won’t leave me alone,” he thinks. “He’s an insensitive, domineering bore who doesn’t have a clue about my feelings,” she tells herself.

… Of course, one size never fits all. Females don’t all fit neatly into one communication-style box and males into another. Some men can be quite nurturing and emotionally empathic in their language; some women are aggressive and task-oriented in theirs.

Still, you needn’t be surprised if you and your spouse sometimes seem to need a translator. In his book, “How Do You Say I Love You?” (InterVarsity Press), Dr. Judson Swihart notes, “Often the wife comes in [to the marriage] speaking French and the husband speaking German—in an emotional sense. Unless you hear love expressed in a language that you can understand emotionally, it will have little value.” The author goes on to say, “If you are going to communicate an attitude of love toward your spouse, you must learn to speak his or her language.”

It’s hard to do that if, like too many couples, you enter marriage focused on being loved rather than on giving love. Try making it your goal not to change your spouse but to adapt to his or her style of communication. Turn your attention to hearing the heart of your partner rather than to the frustration you may feel about not being heard or understood.

If you feel stuck, and that your marriage is in a hole that just gets deeper, do something about it. Make a date with each other once a week [or more often if you’d like] to try a communication exercise. For example, the wife talks 10 minutes about feelings or issues she has; the husband does nothing but listen. He may respond only with, “I don’t understand; could you restate that?” or “What I hear you saying is…”

Then he talks for 10 minutes and she listens. She can ask for only clarification or affirmation that she’s hearing him accurately.

At the end of the exercise, neither of you is allowed to try to “straighten the other one out,” react angrily to something you didn’t want to hear, or debate the issue. During the next such “date,” the husband will talk first and the wife second.

Other approaches to getting “unstuck” include attending a well-recommended weekend Christian marriage retreat, participating in a couple’s support group through your church, or enlisting the help of a licensed Christian marriage counselor.

This is not a hopeless situation. In fact, compared to many marital conflicts, it’s a state that can more quickly and remarkably improve—when two children of God who are committed to their marriage decide to work on it and seek appropriate help.

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We (Steve and Cindy) feel Dr. Swihart has some very practical ways to understand and deal with conflict. In fact, we’ve used a number of his suggestions ourselves and have found them to be very successful. And we highly recommend the book, The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, published by Focus on the Family which you can order at www.family.org or in Africa, www.safamily.org.za). Even if you’ve been married longer than five years there is a lot of practical counsel and advice that applies to all stages of marriage.It’s also very important that we understand that conflict IS GOING TO HAPPEN in our marriages; but even more important is the need for us all to learn how deal with and resolve our conflicts in a God-honoring way. We pray that Marriage Missions will continue to be a source and resource for you in this endeavor. 

God Bless,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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