Who in the world likes to confront someone when there’s a problem? Not us — that’s for sure! And from the people we talk to, there are very few people who do. But what do you do when you have a problem in your marriage and you NEED to confront your marital “partner?”

Did you notice that we said marital “partner?” We emphasize that because that’s what we’re supposed to be in our marriages. We’re supposed to interact with each other as “no longer two but one flesh” being “united” in how we conduct ourselves in our married life and not disjointed from one another or acting in ways that separate our marital unity. (See: Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:7-9.)

The biblical principle comes to mind to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, how would YOU want to be confronted if you were doing something you shouldn’t be doing (or wasn’t aware that what you were doing was hurting your marital partner)? You (just like us) would want your spouse to be as gentle as possible. We may not LIKE to be confronted, but if it needs to be done, at least be gentle about it and allow our dignity and feelings to remain in tact.

It’s “funny” that WE would want to be treated in a gentler matter, yet so often when WE confront our spouse we can be harsher and more blunt about it rationalizing, “Well, they deserve this because they hurt me!” The Bible tells us that “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). Our words may not be “evil” but are they kind and compassionate (as we would want our spouse to direct their words to us)?

The Bible also tells us: A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction (Proverbs 16:23). A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1). A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11). Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Ephesians 4:29).

The question comes to mind, “Is how you’re approaching your spouse beneficial in building them up, or is your purpose to ‘catch’ them doing wrong and making sure they know you know about it and making them ‘pay’ for their actions?” If that’s the case then your motives and your approach don’t match up scripturally. You need to pray about it and do things differently!

To help you with that, we’ve found something from www.dnaofrelationships.com (Gary Smalley’s VERY helpful web site) which might better guide you the next time confronting your spouse is necessary. Prayerfully go through the following and consider if this isn’t a more biblical approach:

Here are three principles that outline a way to gently confront. The other person is far more apt to receive your comments when he or she hears them expressed through these principles:

1. Learn to express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity. These are common words, but what do they mean? Warmth is the friendly acceptance of a person. Empathy is the ability to understand and identify with a person’s feelings. Sincerity is showing a genuine concern for a person without changing your attitude toward him when circumstances change.

2. Learn to share your feelings when angry or irritated without using “you” statements and instead replacing them with “I feel” statements.

3. Learn to wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.

No one likes to be criticized, regardless of how much truth lies behind the criticism. Whether, we are male or female, six or sixty, when someone corrects us, we automatically become defensive.

Yet honest communication is vital to any relationship. These two basic truths appear contradictory. How do you honestly tell the one you love about something you find displeasing or aggravating without prompting, that familiar, defensive glare or indifferent shrug?

Lord, help me express myself in such a way that my loved one knows deeply of my love and admiration.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)

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To help you further with this and other communication problems you may be having go to our web site and see what we have posted that you can use. We even have a list of Scriptures on Communication that you may want to go through together.Please know that our love and prayers are with you as together we strive to make our marriages the best they can be through the power and teachings of our wonderful and awesome Lord!

Cindy and Steve Wright