CONTROLLED SEPARATION
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The couple had been married for 10 years, but the relationship had become troubled. They had no children, not even a pet, and no overpowering reason to stay together. They decided to separate.
To most people, that would be a pretty clear sign they were headed for divorce. But that wasn’t the idea here. They sat down with Meg Haycraft, a couple’s counselor in Chicago, and negotiated detailed terms for something called a “controlled separation.”
The time limit this couple decided upon: Five weeks, ending April 4.
The living arrangements this couple decided upon: He stays, she moves out to a girlfriend’s apartment.
The agreement they made to handle finances: Any purchase over $500 requires consulting each other.
The amount of contact they decided to keep up with each other: Three phone calls a week, unlimited emails, a date with each other every Saturday night.
Sex? That was in the contract too. None planned, but if one feels “affectionate” they have the right to “check that out” with the other.
Separation in the U.S. has become essentially a prelude to divorce. But a new approach that has quietly attracted interest over the past few years aims to do the opposite. Controlled separation is usually negotiated in a therapist’s office, never in a lawyer’s. Its ultimate goal is to save the marriage by putting a concrete limit on the time apart (usually no more than six months)— and negotiating more than a dozen disagreement points into a written contract to eliminate the uncertainty, insecurity and second-guessing that can become toxic in a troubled relationship.
The movement is gaining support. A small but growing number of therapists across the country are trying to incorporate controlled separation into their practices. Religious groups both here and abroad are using it, including the Hong Kong Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. And the U.S. military has expressed interest in folding it into its programs to help combat the high divorce rate among service men and women.
Controlled separation can be seen as a sort of “time out” to, at least temporarily, halt the move toward divorce. Both husband and wife pledge not to seek legal counsel or file for divorce during the separation. And they agree not to speak about their troubles to others to avoid hurtful gossip. Twelve other areas, from pets, to child care, to sex, are also laid out.
In some areas, like personal contact, the contract is so detailed that it not only specifies that the couple will go on “dates” with each other but it gives the day of the week and who will initiate them.
“I guess I felt safe knowing nothing more major was going to happen,” says Leah Klug, who entered into a six-month controlled separation agreement with her husband a few years ago. The two have since moved back together and bought a new home with their two children. Her husband, Nathaniel, agrees. “It helped remove the emotion,” he says. “It actually made you think about what you were doing.”
In most separations, there are few rules. Legal separations, negotiated by lawyers, generally cover only finances and children. So-called trial separations, in which one spouse simply moves out with no guidance, are generally emotional and unpredictable since no one is ever sure what the other person is up to.
A marriage and family therapist in Wisconsin, Lee Raffel, developed the idea of controlled separation in the late 1990s out of “sheer frustration,” after some three decades of counseling couples.
“I could see that when couples separated, they were having a terrible time,” she says. “They didn’t know if they wanted to stay or go. They only knew they were unhappy. They didn’t know how to solve their problems and they did a lot of nasty things to each other.”
She outlined the concept in a book called “Should I Stay or Go?” Since it was published in 1998, the idea has slowly caught on largely by word of mouth, often by people who read the book and contacted couples counselors to try to implement it.
Rea Wynder, a court-certified family mediator in Virginia, is trying to incorporate controlled separation into her divorce mediation work for couples she thinks might benefit from it. She also would like to change the term to “marriage pact” to put a more positive spin on it.
“I think it’s a huge step in the right direction to have people agreeing on any set of common rules or common undertakings or promises for exactly how separate they are,” says John Crouch, a divorce lawyer in Arlington, Va.
It doesn’t always work, though. Elsie Radtke, associate director for the family ministries office at the Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago, says that more than half of the couples she counsels through controlled separation end up divorcing. But she feels that the process benefits those couples too. The split, she says, is often far less bitter as a result of the controlled separation.
“People ask what guarantee can you give me that we won’t get a divorce,” says Ms. Haycraft. “I say, ‘none,’ but you’ve slowed down the process.”
The above article has been edited to make it better understandable to our readers who find American wording difficult to understand. The original context however, remains in tact. It came from the newspaper article: A Time Out for Troubled Marriages: Therapists Push ‘Controlled Separation’- By Hilary Stout, THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, July 7, 2005.
Marriage Missions Editors Note: We pray that those who are considering separation will view this step as a last resort. What we’ve found is that those who separate often never get back together after taking such a big first step, to leave the home. It could be the first step towards the death of your marriage.
If, on the other hand, separation is used as a tool with the mind-set that this time apart is necessary to give each other the space that’s needed to help each other calm down, it can be useful because it “slows down the process” leading to divorce, as stated above. The next important step is to start working together in a calmer frame of mind, with the goal to eventually reconcile back together again.
But above all the recommendations previously made, please make this a very prayerful time, asking the Holy Spirit to be your counselor in how to work with each other to reconcile the marriage back together again. And if at all possible find a good Bible-believing MARRIAGE FRIENDLY counselor to help you with this process. (Please read through our “Marriage Counseling” topic for more guidance on what is meant by the term “marriage-friendly.”) They’re trained to help you to come to a better understanding of each other and may be necessary to help you rebuild your home upon a solid biblical and emotional foundation.
Another recommendation would be to be careful of the friends and relatives you surround yourself with during this time. Some people will have their own ideas about whether you should reconcile. Many times they have their own agenda or partiality as to whether you should remain married.
If this is the case and they aren’t a positive influence on helping you (or at least not hurting you) work towards reconciling with your spouse in a way which is safe and biblically sound, please avoid being with them. This is a critical time for you to surround yourself with those who will help your marriage, not hurt it.
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(USA) I’m in an abusive relationship, ongoing. We have separated, what should I do?
(USA) Laren, I’m so sorry to hear you are in an abusive relationship. Is it physical or verbal or both?
I am a Christian and currently separated from my wife of 12 years. I am an abusive husband, usually verbally. Over the years I have had anger issues that stem from some serious issues from my childhood and I’ve been seeking counseling and group therapy, which has been helpful.
God is in the business of healing marriages and people – including your abusive husband. He has to be open, of course. One book you might want to get is "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. I believe she writes books about physical as well. Anyway, as the abuser I read this and it opened my eyes. I also read "Every Man’s Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn and it’s changing my life and the way I look at my role and my wife’s role in the marriage. LIFE-CHANGING, GODLY STUFF.
Anyway, I pray you’ll both find healing. Most abusive people are really loving but really deeply hurt inside and need help. He needs to identify what is causing him so much pain and why he feels so inadequate (that’s how abusers feel – I know, I am one). Call your pastor and work out specifics that each of you are going to be doing during this time of separation. God bless.
(USA) I got a divorce in 2007, but we got back together before the 6 month, so are we married. I do my best to love her and do everything for her. But she got mad at me and told me to leave. Do I have the right to keep the house? It’s both of our names.
(USA) I’ve been trying this out in my mediation sessions with couples who are almost divorced already. Some good success so far. I provide a strict, 10 – 20 point agreement contract which both spouses sign and swear to abide by. I also require them to contact me by email at least 2 – 3 times during the separation time so I can remind them what’s what. Thanks for a very good article on the topic.
(USA) My husband of 10 years and I are now separated. This is the result of his abusiveness and my insecurities. He has lied to me about things in the past, primarily regarding porn, flirting, etc. He had an “emotional affair” with an ex-girlfriend when he was on a trip to her area a couple of years ago. He did not willingly or forthrightly tell me about it, he did not accept responsibility, and he feels he did nothing wrong. He told me he later got rid of her phone number because it was causing too much trouble in our relationship, and it was, as was the “affair.”
We separated about a month ago with the intention of hopefully working things out. After our separation, he again contacted his ex. He told me about this call and it had a very negative effect on me. On this roller coaster of mood swings, we agreed that we should try to start over and that meant leaving things in the past. Meanwhile, a couple of hours later when I had some time on my hands and recalled our conversation, I realized that he couldn’t have his girlfriend’s number unless he kept the number he said he had gotten rid of, or called a mutual friend. When I asked him how he had gotten her number, he told me that our separation now needed to be considered final. And that was it.
Was I wrong to ask for this information from him, especially after we had agreed? I need to know, because if we can’t move forward in this relationship, I can still learn to be a better person. I’m afraid I suspect him of lying to me and I understand that since a relationship must be based on trust, perhaps it is better that we divorce. I doubt myself a lot.
(S.AFRICA) Dear Sherri, No, it was not wrong of you to ask the information from your husband. What I think has gone wrong has been your response. It is hard not to respond in hurt and anger I know, but I have had to learn the hard way that it never helps the situation. All it does is continue to make him lie about everything as he knows what your reaction will be.
Encourage him by thanking him for his honesty and then when you have calmed down sit with him and discuss the hurt and pain you are dealing with. Ask for solutions (from both sides); do not let it slide. Yes, a relationship is built on trust, trust that is sometimes broken and needs time to be restored. Give him that opportunity or else you could just push him further away. No, it is not better to divorce; it is devastating. Please remember to pray for God’s guidance in everything you say or do.
(INDIA) I married a US citizen four years back and he filed for me. Presently, I have a green card valid for 10 years. But even before one year had gone by, while staying with him, his parents and his siblings, I was being harrassed mentally. They put many restrictions on me. They started doubting on my character and did many things which made me leave their house and I had to go to my friend’s house.
This happened within a few months of my staying with him. After that we have been separated for one year. And my husband is not saying anything about our relationship. He hasn’t sent any divorce papers to me. I do not know what can be done now? How long this will go on and should I consider myself a divorcee after 2 years of separation?
(USA) I actually have a question… I have been married for 8 years with 3 children. My husband mentally and emotionally abused me for the first 4 years of our marriage. After a while I got tired of it and I had an affair. Then another one about 2 monthes ago. He says he wants to move forward and I do too. I just don’t know how to when all we do is argue about my mistakes. I can’t even deal with my own emotions at this time cause everything is devoted to him forgiving me and my mistakes. Would a controlled separation be helpful?
(USA) Perhaps, you BOTH have to stop abusing one another.
You realize, your affairs are simply another form of spousal abuse. So if you choose to have a controlled separation, you also need to make sure that you do not have any additional emotional or physical affairs. Otherwise, the abuse you perpetrate on your husband will not stop just because there is a separation.
Therefore, any controlled separation must include a plan to protect your betrayed husband from any additional abuse on your part. Perhaps a same-sex accountability partner and mentor would be a good start.
From what you’ve written, it seems he’s learned to not be abusive to you, but you’ve now learned how to abuse him. So you need to learn how to protect your husband from any further abuse. Given the nature of your abuse, a separation may appear to him as a strange way of proving you will not further betray and abuse him.
(USA) The thing is, he has never stopped with his belittling, down grading, or anything else… It has been a two a street and I realize this. But at what point do you say enough and actually move forward or just stop? I pray everyday for us to move forward, and to help heal both of our broken hearts. But like my husband tells me, he just doesn’t know what he wants and neither do I. Please help and God Bless.
(USA) You’ve been given help. If you want him to stop any abuse, you have to approach him with the credibility that says you know what you did was wrong and you are working on your part.
You can set a boundary that says you will not abuse him, nor will you tolerate his abuse. If he wants to stay in the marriage, if you want to stay in the marriage, each of you has to learn new behaviors to deal with disappointment, not getting your ways, etc. The abuse each of you heap on one another is not working.
You can’t do his work for him any more than he can do yours for you. Concentrate on cleaning up your side of the street and invite him to do the same.
(USA) A timed separation seems about as effective as the President saying the war will end on this exact day. The enemy only needs to lay low until the expiration date and resume operations.
Your spouse is not your enemy, but spouses will pace themselves and be polite until that day comes, then the second you move back in together the fighting resumes shortly after. There is no need to *rush* and resolve our issues or talk openly or honest with each other because I can just be really polite, get my spouse to move back in, and then discuss it *later* The result is you spent 6 months trying to clear the table and get a fresh start, then a month after you get back together one or the other is back to digging up old crap from a decade ago.
I think the concept of rules is good and all, but how can they be enforced? If he is living here and she is living there, how can they be enforced at all? What happens if someone breaks a rule? Do we go file for Divorce? Do we add a 5-yard penalty (I mean a one week extension) to the separation?
(USA) Hi, I have a wife of 9 years with 3 beautiful kids. We always argued. One day I went to greet her family and she has left me. I am now in no contact with the kids, nor her. I have tried all revenues to contact her. She ignores me. I have not spoken, nor met with the kids for a few months now.
It’s real confusing as to what she wants. She is not talking about divorce or anything. I have like 101 things crossing my mind as to why she would do this. I have been violent and controlling but that was in our past, 5 years ago. Please help.