How do you cope when your spouse is unemployed? How does your marriage survive the strain this situation puts upon it? As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work [although we acknowledge that it's not true for all]. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners, but it’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially. This type of situation works over-time on your mind as to how to cope with their refusal when the needs are so great.
So, how do you make it when one of you loses a job or is unemployed for some reason — whether it’s by choice or not? That’s a question that so many couples struggle with in this uncertain world. It’s one that we’d like to invite you to comment about in the space provided below. Maybe you have encountered this situation and you can write something that might help others in some way.
But before you write, we invite you to read the following article posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family (which we greatly appreciate). You can also see that they have other related articles posted. After reading what will help you in your situation, arrow back to add your comments below this link if you desire to do so.
To read the article click onto the following link:
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
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(USA) The situation that I am dealing with at the moment and for the last few years is mentioned in the article above. "It’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially".
He used to work for a big food manufacturer here in town for a few years but that plant closed and moved away a few years ago (in 2004) and since then everything started going down the hill. Every job he finds he compares to that, which is impossible. He has no professional training or experience in anything in particular but he refuses to go to work for $9 or $10 per hour. He had a few jobs in the last few years and the longest that he stayed at was 3 months. After that it would take us several months to find a new one.
It is not that my husband refuses to find a job, he does not look for it at all. I am looking for jobs online and applying for him. When employers respond, he’d talk to them and go to interviews. It is especially hard for me to do this for him because I work two jobs. I have a full time 8-5 job and right after that I go to another job where I stay till at least 9:30 pm. I usually come home not before 10 o’clock at night. I got this part time job not too long ago because I was not able to meet ends.
Everything else is on me, chores, bills, shopping, etc. He does not move from the couch and the computer (looking at stuff on e-bay or playing games). There are so many things around the house that he could do but he does not care about any of it, and it seems that he does not care about me either. He would call me at night when I am on my way home to stop and get him something to eat or cigarettes. If I said something against it, he would be offended and start arguing with me.
Another thing which is his “wild card” and he plays it a lot, is that he has history of seizures. He takes high dosages of seizure medicine. If I refuse to do something for him, like get him cigarettes for example, he would refuse to take medicine. Then I have to adjust my behavior because I do not want him to get into a car, get a seizure and kill someone on the street. He really behaves like a little child.
He also has a basement full of stuff (old radios, music equipment, books, etc) that he used to collect, but that just stays there and collects dust. He mentions sometimes that he could sell it, but that is just talk to shut me up for a little while.
I just wish that he would be more responsible. I am afraid that I will not me able to take it much longer. I am only 30 years old. We’ve been married for 8. Like I said above, I’ve been dealing with this situation for quite some time now. I am getting really exhausted. I don’t know how to proceed. I do not want to get divorced because that I do not feel that I am solving problem with that. That is giving up.
I would like to hear from other people that are in the same position as me and I would like to see how they are dealing with the situation.
(USA) Nicole, your situation almost mirrors my own. My spouse lost his job in January ‘09. He has been sitting on the sofa, watching Animal Planet (apparently Big Cat Diary is his personal favorite) or NCIS since his job loss. I am ready to pull my hair, and his, out. Like your husband, he doesn’t seem to be the least bit motivated to find employment. He has unemployment, but after deducting his car payment he is actually only contributing about $550 to our monthly income. He spends every penny of that on beer and cigarettes.
I am working, paying for the groceries, the rent, and all other bills. My savings has been depleted. He doesn’t contribute a penny to any of that and then complains if I haven’t cooked dinner in a day or two. (I have cut back on cooking, hoping that he will get tired of not having hot meals and look for a job!)
We have no social life, which would be a nice outlet for our frustration, because there is no money for that. To be honest, this was a problem before he lost his job. He has never contributed as he should. He is a moocher and I am over it.
I know I haven’t been a bit of help to you, but I do want you to know that this problem will not change. Remember this; people who WANT to work, FIND work. You should seriously consider leaving.
(USA) I’m turning 29 in the next few weeks and I’ve been married for about 8 months. My husband is 24, much younger, and it shows. We both worked part time. He changed to part time from full.
It has been rough because he likes to spend on everything but bills, and both he and his family lived paycheck to paycheck with no assets to their name. The house we had was rented from my parents. Three major appliances and a riding lawnmower were purchased by me with no offer of financial help from my husband. At the time I had a decent savings built up. Now he is unemployed for the past 2 months by choice (he was waiting on a indefinite job that fell through two weeks after he quit his job) and he’s not actively looking for a job. He’s waiting on a family member on his side to get him a higher paying one than he originally had.
This has let to a lot of stress and tension because his reason was because he had no car or DL. There was no way he could job hunt… we had the Internet. He didn’t want to apply, nor did he ever ask or offer to plan a day to look. He stayed at home, played video games, and watched TV the entire time.
I had to find a way to pay almost a thousand in bills because he insisted he would have a job before the end of the month and there was no need to cut back. My savings is all but evaporated at this point. That’s when I insisted we leave our home and stay with our respected parents for a little while.
I’ve cut the bills down some but I am still paying 100%. His passiveness in getting a job, drawing unemployment, or some other financial relief has me wondering if he just wanted someone to take care of him while he loafs. It certainly puts love and patience to the test and while he’s living it up at his parents house (and to this day he’s put in one single application for work since the second week of Dec 08. He’s left all the stress and responsibility on me and has made me depressed, stressed, miserable and disgusted at his behavior.
This is my first marriage. I can’t help but wonder how much we love each other and if he is worth staying with.
(USA) My husband has been unemployed for 1 1/2 years. I never thought it would last this long. He did some consulting work and got some unemployment that we are paying for now with our taxes. If he doesn’t get a job soon, we may lose our house. He tries to find a job every day. We are good people. If anyone knows of a company in the tri-state area that needs a HR professional with 20 years experience, please let me know.
(USA) Debbie, I just read your note, and was wondering if your husband has been successful in finding employment. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer, but we are experiencing a similar situation ourselves. In June of ‘08, I was let go of my full time job at a private school after 7 years of employment there. Fortunately, I was able to get part time work. In April of this year, my husband lost his job of 20 years in the Financial District of lower Manhattan. Last week he got his very first interview (phone), but just today got a rejection email from the company. He is very depressed, this was huge blow to him. He is searching all avenues, but nothing has come about.
I am extremely concerned about our future. The holidays are basically here, and it upsets me. The thought of losing our home is really unthinkable to me. I never thought we would be in this position. As like you, we are good people, who live in a very modest house, and do not drive fancy cars, or take elaborate vacations, rarely go out for dinner, and I can’t remember that last movie we saw out. I just wanted to share my situation with someone in a similar position, and wanted to know how they’re coping.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 14 years. 8 1/2 years ago we decided that my husband would quit his job and be a stay home Dad to our new born son. We agreed at that time once our son went to school, my husband would return to work, at least on a part time basis. That never happened.
Initially, this was not such an issue as I was making good money and on the fast track to continue to move up with the company in which I was working. Then in 2005, I was laid off due to corporate restructuring. I was devastated!
I immediately began looking for work, but soon found out that there were not many jobs with an income that I was making before and I was getting worried. I asked my husband to get a job so at least we could make ends meet if I needed to take a job at a lesser salary.
I eventually found a job within a few months, but it was 1/2 of what I was making before. Again, I asked my husband to get a job. He never even looked. I became very frustrated with him and tried everything. I was mean to him, joked with him, tried to make lite of things. I cut every bill I could to bring down our monthly expenses. He still never even looked for a job.
We wiped out our savings, racked up $30,000 in credit card debt, stopped saving for retirement and we still struggle to make ends meet.
In 2008, I found a higher paying job that has helped us out quite a bit, but now I am still barely making ends meet due to the debt we have incurred and the ever increasing prices of everything. Again, I have tried to ask him to do something to bring some extra money into the house. Still nothing.
The really sad part is that he is a good father & husband. He does all of the laundry, dishes, cooking and some of the cleaning. He does not sit around playing games or eating bonbons. He maintains the yard and any repairs to the house.
Sometimes I wish that I could walk away and leave him, but I still love him and I also do not want to create disruption to our son. I really am at a loss as to what to do!
(DUBAI) It may be hard financially but at least for you it’s better. It could have been worse if you came home from work and still had to cook, clean and do the laundry. In your case I think you should look at it this way, what if you were the stay at home mum? You’d still be a good wife, mum, and take care of the home as be brings home the bread. Then there wouldn’t have been any complaints. Try to reverse the roles.
I commend you though, for the step you took and adjusted. Keep praying. God will sure answer your prayers. Don’t ever forget to thank him for the blessings, it could have been worse. What if you were not able to get jobs, i.e. half paying or quarter paying at all? What if your husband just bummed and didn’t care for the boy, or for the house or yard? You would have more complaints.
I know it’s hard coz society has it that the man provides for us, but since you’re in that situation, try look at it in a different way. Just help your family as best as you can, and maybe you can talk to him and find out why he doesn’t want to look for a job. Maybe in his eyes, you guys are managing well and he doesn’t feel he needs to work, so his input is by continuing to take care of the home/kids ie reversed roles… Talk it out calmly. Otherwise, you are doing a great job and maybe you just want the roles to go back to basics i.e. he brings the bacon and you sit home?
(US) Just keep the faith, the Lord is not slack concerning his promises. The Lord will see you through; just stay faithful.
(USA) Yeah right.
(USA) My husband has been without a job on and off throughout our marriage. He has currently been without his last job for one year. When we returned from our honeymoon, (16 years ago) we found out he had been fired. Since then, we’ve had two children and he has worked at a total of four jobs. He is a good person, but very stubborn. He does not like to take direction from his superiors and is very strong willed. He will not play the "politically correct" game.
I have worked part time throughout this time, while also maintaining the house and raising the children. He is 50 and a good person, great father and means well, but I am at a loss. I am so depressed and angry. I don’t know how to get through to him. Divorce is too expensive and not an option. I need to find a way to cope as our money runs out and my stress level elevates.
(UNITED STATES) We moved to a new state last year to escape the rising real estate market and bad weather to find a house to raise our son. It was my husband’s idea to move out of state. As soon as we decided, I started looking for a job in the new state; he didn’t. He wanted to find something that was Mon-Fri 9-5. He’d worked 11 years in the television industry -nights and weekends. We were newly married and he wanted to be home with me and our son.
Once we moved and I started working (I’d gotten the job before we moved). It took him 3 months to find a job. After 4 months working, he complained every day that it wasn’t what he wanted. He would call me yelling about how much he hated the job and his boss. He’d call me at work and say he was walking out. We were paying a mortgage on our old home and rent in the new state.
We finally sold our home after he was working for 5 months. We found a house, broke our apt lease and bought a home. He quit his job the next month. He SAID, that if he couldn’t find anything soon, he’d go back to his old job. That was 6 1/2 months ago. He keeps complaining that he needs to finish his degree. He’s been saying that since I met him 6 years ago, but he never looks into grants or loans or online courses. He hadn’t put in any resumes or applications until last month. He is bent on being a teacher and is going to try substituting this fall (which will be what one or two days a week, if we are lucky?).
I got him an interview where I work for part time, 3 days a week 8-4pm. He told the interviewer that he “didn’t expect to be here long.” SO, of course he did not get hired. He still has not looked into getting his degree. He has found a one day a week job, as a newspaper deliverer for about $75/week. Today is the first day. He called me complaining that the person in charge has changed the time he had to start from 6pm to 3pm. BIG DEAL! WHAT WERE YOU DOING??? He complains about every opportunity he gets, which are usually things I find for him.
I am losing respect for him and am worried about our finances. My paycheck covers the bills, but not food, his HOBBIES, gas or anything else. He needs to work, says he wants to and that he feels bad about not “contributing”. He takes care of our son after school and has during the summer, and cleans the house and makes dinner, but he is not putting out an effort to find a job.
It seems like he thinks someone will come knocking on the door to offer him something. It’s making me so angry. I don’t yell at him or say something I feel because then he gets angry and starts screaming …I know he’s mad at himself… but he isn’t doing anything to change his life. HELP!!
(UNITED STATES) Jill, We have similar situations. I’ve been working for almost three years at a job… lets just say I’m not too fond of and my fiance (who I live with) has the luxury of constantly quitting jobs that he doesn’t like. I try to be a supportive partner and tell him to go after what he wants, which is to be a film director. But, he still fails to realize that you have to work for it. Since he quit his last job a few months ago he spends most of his time watching movies. He claims this is research. When I find jobs that could possibly be a stepping stone to what he wants to do he gets angry and criticizes me.
We have been living together for two years and unfortunately this has started to be a pattern, which makes me question our up-and-coming marriage. I know it may sound selfish but I have dreams of my own and how long am I supposed to put them on hold while he goes after his?
(U.S.) Hannah, I understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for a total of 10 years, married for almost 6. His job as a construction worker is seasonal, which means he works from February or March through November or December and then files for unemployment. While he is working life is quite good; as soon as he is laid off it all goes to pot. It’s as if a part of his brain stops working… he starts to forget to file (weekly), when he does file he doesn’t check to make sure the filing is processed without problems, he doesn’t pay attention to the online notices that tell you your claim is running out (consequently, at least several weeks pass before the issue is straightened out, which means we are several weeks without an unemployment check). Get the picture?
And helping around the house? He never helped out much to begin with, but once unemployment begins he does absolutely nothing. I handle ALL of our business as a married couple. During the winter I end up handling his unemployment too.
My point is this: I saw these behaviors – and a few more – for the few years prior to our marriage. While some people and things do change, some do not. This has not. No matter how much you love your fiance, be prepared to marry him as he is NOW, as if he will never change. If you can’t live with him as he is, you may want to reconsider your upcoming nuptials.
(US) Wow, I am not alone. I really feel alone sometimes since I take care of everything in our household. I work full time and take care of my 2 girls. My husband does not look for work; he just watches TV all day (boring) and does nothing to help around the house. My husband thinks a job is going to knock on his door. My husband lost a couple of jobs due to his attitude and lost a job as he was in a middle of a job.
I can no longer take it. I worry to much about him and him working or getting a job, I am ready to start my life and to just start worrying about me and my girls. Thank God my girls are 14 and 17. It has been a rough road for them with their father too.
I am thinking about finally getting my own place with my girls since my husband is really useless. I need to start living again.
To all my friends, it’s time to live everyday like it is the last day on earth. Be Happy everybody – all you wives and mothers deserve it!
(USA) I’ve been unemployed for 3 months and have been applying to jobs and would go back to school if I could afford to. Meanwhile I have cut back a lot on expenses, done numerous garage sales, no hair cuts, dry my clothes on the line outside, have grown a vegetable garden, keep the house clean, have nice balanced meals before everyone comes home and everyday do something to improve my skills or work on self improvement. Once in a while I take a quick nap in the daytime because I don’t sleep well in the nights and also due to bad headaches because I have high blood pressure.
But, despite all this my husband gets upset with me when I take a nap. He’ll make sure I wake up by banging the pots & pans, turning on the TV loud or just simply saying in a loud voice “is your mom sleeping again?” It upsets me so much and I’ve told him that before.
I feel helpless that I’m not able to find a job to put in my share for the bills. I’ve sold my nice car -now driving a beat up car but it doesn’t bother me much. I’ve been working ever since I’ve been married and it’s been 25 years…this is the first time in my life I’ve been without a job and also not bringing any income in to help with the household. I was self employed in my last job so am not able to get unemployment. My husband wants me do jobs which require heavy lifting and I’m not able to lift more than 25 lbs since I have a fusion in my neck. He tells me I’m lazy and not putting an effort in finding a job. What to do?
Creditors are calling and I’m having a hard time paying the mortgage but I manage to be polite to the creditors and look at all the things I’m grateful for. But, despite all this my husband’s foul mood changes the whole atmosphere… I am so depressed now… how should I react to my husband’s “put down”?