How do you cope when your spouse is unemployed? How does your marriage survive the strain this situation puts upon it? As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work [although we acknowledge that it's not true for all]. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners, but it’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially. This type of situation works over-time on your mind as to how to cope with their refusal when the needs are so great.
So, how do you make it when one of you loses a job or is unemployed for some reason — whether it’s by choice or not? That’s a question that so many couples struggle with in this uncertain world. It’s one that we’d like to invite you to comment about in the space provided below. Maybe you have encountered this situation and you can write something that might help others in some way.
But before you write, we invite you to read the following article posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family (which we greatly appreciate). You can also see that they have other related articles posted. After reading what will help you in your situation, arrow back to add your comments below this link if you desire to do so.
To read the article click onto the following link:
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
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From the ministry of Marriage Partnership Magazine:
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(USA) I’m sad to say I’m not alone in my frustration with this. My husband and I have been married for just over two years. He’s been working most of that time, however, has refused to help me pay bills. He spent money on everything else but bills, and wouldn’t save money for emergencies.
I have been supporting us by myself, which was bad enough before I went into premature labor with our twin sons at six months. I was hospitalized and they were delivered early Due to the fact that one of the babies required a c-section, I was unable to work for an extended period of time. I had the forethought to have disability and savings, but it was used quickly while I was off work. I’m going back to work soon, but the stress of having to take care of a grown man who is capable of contributing financially but refuses to is tearing me apart. I just had two children, and I didn’t get married to have a third.
I’ve gotten to the point of desperation and have asked him to move out (not just because of money – we have other serious problems as well) and I just feel like God is so far away from me right now. I don’t know how to pray for someone who doesn’t care enough about me and our sons to man up and provide for us! What kind of person has money (he’s getting enough unemployment to help take care of the home) and stands by and watches his wife struggle? How can he justify his lack of concern? He blames me for being “petty”, but doesn’t see how his behavior and choices have led to this breakdown in our relationship.
I don’t want to have to get a divorce, but he seems more angry about being asked to get out than he is that our marriage has fallen apart. I’m so upset and depressed every time I see him I want to hit him or cry – or both! I’m trying to make sure our children are provided for, but I just don’t know how to be positive right now.
(ZAMBIA) My husband has not been working for 3 years going to 4 now ever since the closed down the company he used to work for. He has been applying elsewhere but no luck. We have 2 children and the older one is in grade 1 and we can barely afford her school fees. I used to have my own business but not anymore. Things are very difficult for us right now. We have so many unpaid bills. We feed from hand to mouth. It’s like GOD has forsaken us. If anyone out there can help with jobs for us both, we’ll be grateful.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m 27 years old, married with 3 kids & expecting a fourth. My husband insists that he wants to be “self-employed”, yet he hasn’t had a steady income for the past year. He doesn’t want to get a permanent job because he feels he won’t earn the same salary he earned at his last job. Right now, I don’t think he’s making any effort to find a job so that he can support us & none of his family advises him to do so either.
Our bond is in arrears, water & lights bill too, people/attorneys have been sending notifications & threatening to take legal action. Soon I’ll be going on maternity leave & then my pay will be even less. I really feel like throwing in the towel & just calling it quits. I know when I love I’m supposed to love unconditionally, that I’m supposed to build, encourage, and edify my husband — that I should even submit to him. But all that is easier said than done.
I’m really confused, hurt & angry. How can I continue living like this, furthermore what example is he (and are we) setting for our children? Divorce would be my last option, since I grew up with my own parents being divorced & know what that’s like. But what’s the use in having both parents around when all they do is argue because of financial stress? If anyone has any words of wisdom for me, it would be much appreciated.
(USA) I’m in a difficult situation. I am the person unemployed and I feel very worthless most of the time. My wife and I have been married for 6 years. During our 1st year, I decided to (with my wife’s advice) quit my job and go back to school full-time. During this time I worked a little, but I began to feel the pressure of not making money. When I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Education I began looking for work.
During this time, a friend of mine suggested I apply for a position in Law Enforcement, the same as him. He told me all I needed was a bachelor’s degree. Growing up I had always dreamed of getting into law enforcement but when I got to college I found out they test for color blindness, and I am slightly colorblind. I didn’t pursue this avenue because I thought it was a waste of time. Anyway, my friend talked me into applying stating the worst that can happen is I wouldn’t make it so I applied.
In the meantime, I began a career in teaching. This past year I was laid off again, and I realized I really didn’t enjoy this position. I’ve applied everywhere, and can’t find a job. However, a few weeks ago (after 3 years) I got a call about the Federal Law Enforcement position. Unfortunately it will take me out of state for a few years away from my wife and 2 small children. It was a very hard decision for me, but I decided that it would be worth it in a few years when I can transfer home. Plus, we have a very close family to help her here. It’s something I really want, and it also pays well, and I can make it home a couple weekends a month.
The issue I’m having is my wife hasn’t said much about it, and today she spoke her mind. She’s very upset that I’d be leaving her and the kids. I tried to explain that I don’t really know what I am going to do for a job if I don’t take this. Also, she always makes me feel bad about not making money (even when I was, but not as much as her). I feel that any choice I make is a bad one. I dread having to be away from my family. All I think about is how and when, I can get home. But then I remember that, when I do get home we will be financially secure, and my wife could even take time off if she wanted. Can anyone share some advice?
(U.S.) My spouse has been unemployed for nearly 2 months. He does seem to be trying to find work, but it is slow going. My main problem is this: he was fired from his last employer for making what they considered a sexually harassing comment. One of his female employees (he was in managment) was texting him sexually inappropriate jokes on his personal cell phone, as well as calling in sick all hours of the early morning. He told me this and I was very disturbed; I told him that I thought this was inappropriate behavior for an employee/boss relationship.
So he told the female employee not to contact him on his personal phone any longer because his wife (me) didn’t think it was okay. When she asked why, he told her “Because you are a young and attractive female”. At least he had the guts to tell me this after he was fired, but I am absolutely sickened by his comments. I find it cowardly and disrespectful for me to use me as his excuse in this way. We have been married for nearly 14 years, and it has been a difficult road the entire time. He is a decent father, so I feel badly about leaving. Any advice?
(U.S.) Kimberly, I’m sorry about your husband’s job and especially over the circumstances behind it. It’s tough enough to have a spouse lose a job, but when it comes because of “what they considered a sexually harassing comment” — that makes it all the tougher — especially on you.
I don’t know all of the circumstances behind this firing or how he treats other women — whether he’s a flirt in some way and puts you in uncomfortable situations or not. If he DOES do that, then you have a marriage problem that needs to be seriously addressed. Your husband needs to learn and put up boundaries to protect your marriage, your feelings, and protect himself from doing that which is wrong. Again, I don’t know the history here.
We have quite a few articles on this web site in the “Extra Marital Affairs” section as well as several Marriage Messages on the subject of putting up protective boundaries that might help you to figure out what you may need to respectfully demand of your husband in the future (before you would consider leaving him). You can put the word “hedges” into the search feature of this web site to read quite a few of the articles we have posted on this subject.
But as far your being offended by his using you as an excuse, if it were me, I’d let my husband use any excuse he could think of — me included, to get out of inappropriate circumstances, such as you described. There’s no doubt that it would definitely be braver and more gallant if he stood on his own two feet and said, “it’s not appropriate because I’m married and my time away from work is reserved for my wife and family” but sometimes guys (and gals) don’t always think of such things when they’re put on the spot. They grab for a lame excuse instead. (Too bad they don’t have script writers to help them in these circumstances.)
You may consider giving him grace on the lameness of what he said if it’s possible. Sometimes we can grab an offense that is better off being left alone. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re doing here or not, but pray about it. I’ve had to do this at times in our marriage, knowing there are times when I need grace as well (and knowing I can sometimes “miss the forest for the trees” in how I can grab an offense too easily and run with it when it would be better if I dropped it and concentrated on other things instead). Again, pray about it… you and the Lord have more information on this than I do.
I hope in thinking twice (and your telling him you wish he would not use you this way) that your husband would do things differently if he could hit a re-wind on the excuse he gave. And I hope there isn’t more to the story that he’s not telling you. I’m wondering why she would think her manager would be open to receiving such “jokes” and phone calls. But then again, there are a lot of brazen people out in the work world now-a-days.
As far as leaving him — you say your marriage has gone down a “difficult road the entire time”, does that have to do with his flirting and such? If it does, then some actions need to be put into place to stop this in the future –to shore up your relationship and your marriage and make the road less “difficult” in the future. I’m not sure that leaving is the step to take — especially with children to be considered here. I’d try to do many other things than that if I could.
It’s difficult for me to give you advice… we aren’t marriage counselors, we’re marriage educators. I encourage you to talk to someone who could give you some feed back (that is marriage friendly) and experienced in this type of thing. You really need a two way conversation going back and forth to explain more of what has gone on, both now and in the past in your marriage, so you can be better directed as far as what you can do at this point.
I encourage you to go into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site and go into the “Links” we provide in that section. The ministry of Focus on the Family has counselors on staff during business hours that might be able to point you in a good direction. And their advice is free (even though it isn’t a long term counseling situation) — with your husband being unemployed, this might be a good first step. It’s a step I hope you will consider.
(NAMIBIA) I have lived half of my married life with an unemployed spouse and it is the most difficult situation I have ever had to endure. He has since found temporary employment but away from home. One would have expected relief after shouldering the family finances responsibility for most of the time but my husband has not offered such relief. I have tried bringing this up for discussion but nothing has changed. All I get are promises after promises.
The thought of raising our 3 (2 of which are school going) children by myself angers me so much that I have considered divorce several times. I taken care of all the bills at home (from the mortgage, the food to the transport for the school-going children) while he sits in another town unconcerned. Is there any way I can get him to pitch in?
(CANADA) I moved across the country 4yrs ago for a common-law husband who’s been having issues keeping a job ever since I moved. Well, he jackhammered through his foot last October. He was on worker’s comp until mid January which he then went back to work on modified duties for about a week then quit because his foot hurt. He said he would go to his physio. He never did. It’s a year after his accident, and he claims to look for work in the oil field and construction… but I don’t understand why it’s been almost a year and still no one has even called him to arrange an interview! I do so much as mention I’m going to get a 2nd job and he flips out and says he’s going to leave and take the car (I’ve been paying 500$/month for the car and 230$/month insurance) and says that I won’t have to worry about him or the car payments ever again. It would be all nice to just take that offer except
1) I love him
2) I’ve put so much money into him and his assets (and dragged myself into debt)
3) I work 30 mins out of town and there’s no possible car pool.
I told him one of us is going to get a job as a cashier or grocery store clerk but considering I already work 40 hrs a week, I feel it shouldn’t be me. He just keeps on his track of checking the e-mails I send him (”send this job to a friend”)… I don’t know if he actually applies or not…
All I know is that he sleeps from 8am-1pm. He wakes up for 2-3hrs, “applies for jobs”, aka plays video games, then goes to sleep around 7pm. Wakes up around 11pm, and plays video games all night.
I’m just starting to feel so exhausted and frustrated that I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I love him and he’s great, but I shouldn’t be posting this story. I shouldn’t be crying right now just thinking how I’ve been played all of this time. I shouldn’t be looking into a 2nd job. He isn’t my child, he’s his mother’s child. She hasn’t called to see how he’s doing or try to push him for jobs and all of his family just feels like I’m the bad guy here forcing my husband to work. It feels like I’ve dug my own grave and now I’m just sitting here waiting for one more bill to cover me with dirt.
I’m 21, I shouldn’t be stuck in the situation I am with a 28 year old husband, a 31 year old brother in law, and a 25 year old cousin in law ALL hanging out at my apartment all day! I wish I could just tell all three of them to go get jobs and that I’m locking my apartment until 5pm. See you then.
I didn’t think life was going to be like this. If I had, I never would have moved. I never would have gotten into a car accident without insurance (because my husband couldn’t pay for it at the time) and owe the guy who hit me 15,000$. I never would have let my husband sign his 26% interest car for 6 years (that I need to drive to work in). I never would have even talked to him on the phone.
I wish there was an opportunity out there to rewind time back to when I was 18 and stupid, yet know what I know now. Don’t move to Alberta, it’s nothing like it seems.
(AUSTRALIA) My boyfriend has been unemployed for nine months now. He left his job to go and live in / renovate a house I bought in the eastern states for six months. He was supposed to get work over there but couldn’t. He was supposed to pay me some rent but couldn’t afford to. I ended up paying both the mortgage over there and the rent here by myself. Some weeks I was working up to 75 hours per week- doing two jobs. I also paid for all the paint and materials for the renovation. Before he left I had paid my credit card off in full. This was a goal that I had for almost eight years and I achieved it.
Then his car broke down and slowly but surely that sent me back onto the track of my credit card almost being maxed out again. When he returned home he still hasn’t been able to find work. He is moody, angry, quick to snap and sometimes just compltetely ignores me. We no longer can afford to go out anymore. My teeth are overdue for dentist. I can’t afford new clothes. The frustrating thing – I work as a highly skilled professional nurse recieving a fabulous hourly rate. This just covers the bills of two people. And I still can’t afford new clothes or massages like I used to get.
I am giving it another few months and then I think I will have to cut this man lose. I do love him. I am almost 39 and we were trying for a family. Will that be my last chance? I don’t know. Can I live like this for much longer? NO.