How do you cope when your spouse is unemployed? How does your marriage survive the strain this situation puts upon it? As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work [although we acknowledge that it's not true for all]. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners, but it’s especially difficult for those of you who have a spouse who refuses to get a job when their income is critically needed to make ends meet financially. This type of situation works over-time on your mind as to how to cope with their refusal when the needs are so great.
So, how do you make it when one of you loses a job or is unemployed for some reason — whether it’s by choice or not? That’s a question that so many couples struggle with in this uncertain world. It’s one that we’d like to invite you to comment about in the space provided below. Maybe you have encountered this situation and you can write something that might help others in some way.
But before you write, we invite you to read the following article posted on the web site for the ministry of Focus on the Family (which we greatly appreciate). You can also see that they have other related articles posted. After reading what will help you in your situation, arrow back to add your comments below this link if you desire to do so.
To read the article click onto the following link:
WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
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(USA) Here it is a new year, and I am wondering what have I gotten myself into. I am watching my GF get ready to get her pot (of which I pay for) and I sit here and work. I am filled with so much anger that I cannot stand the sight of her any longer. She is on SSI (now has no reason) and refuses to work although her $750 does not contribute to bills at all. All my bills have doubled since she moved in. She does clean a little but spends most of her time watching TV, on My Space and Facebook, or taking a nap. I work 65-70 hours a week and I am tired. I had a nice savings account and that is depleted. I never had credit card debt but I have $1500 on that. I have tried to talk to her to no avail. I am realizing it is time for her to go – I am tired.
(USA) Well, since she is just a girl friend, let her know that she has to move out. Sometimes it really is just that siimple.
(DUBAI) Well, since she is just a gf, not even a fiancee, why do you put up with such a behaviour? Is that what you want of your future wife? Run while it’s still clear. You guys are not even engaged and even if you were, better a broken engagement than a broken marriage!
(USA) I was starting to feel I was alone in the world. I am having the same issues as many of you on here. My husband has been unemployed for almost a year now. He has not actively looked for employment since he was laid off. I have taken on the role of applying for jobs for him and creating a resume and cover letter for him.
Day by day, my anger is getting to me as I feel I should not be the only one working here. He also has child support to pay and I don’t feel that is my responsibility. We have been married 4 years and are in our 50s. I feel it’s ruining our marriage.
(USA) I married my husband in1997. He was 62 and working. I am 20 years younger. I told him prior to marriage that I did not want to work. I have been working since age 13. We are both college educated. My husband stopped working one year after we were married. I have been working 2 jobs the last nine years with no end in sight. I have begged pleaded etc for him to contribute, however, I realize now that it will never change. Any suggestions?
(USA) This unemployment issue and trying to get help is hopeless. After my lay-off, my parents became ill so I started helping take care of them. My husband said I had changed and insisted I go to the Dr. An MRI revealed I had too much fluid around my brain and enlarged ventricles requiring surgery. The surgeon said I had depression from everything and to go to counseling and then he would send me to a surgeon in a larger city. This disease is treatable but not curable. It causes dementia, loss of coordination, lack of memory focus, etc.
In the meantime I was still helping with my parents and a daughter in her first year of college. Daddy got worse and he died the first of Feb. with congestive heart failure. After that my husband said he was not going to work the rest of his life supporting us and not enjoying his life. Mama has Alzheimers, so I still help with her and this is 70 miles away.
Well, my husband goes out of state to work and doesn’t send home money. I still have not seen a counselor but am about ready to blow my brains out. I have always been a positive, giving, Christian who loved life, but this has got me to the point I really don’t care about anything. The sad thing is my daughter is becoming that way. It is 3:30 a.m. here and I just don’t sleep. All I do is call, e-mail or contact any org. to try to help out with something. I sometimes scream God I cannot take this and I really do not know how long I am going to last. I want to get a loan and pay the bills some where I can have money to go get help.
My symptoms are worse and I have migraines. I don’t even go to church anymore. I stay here and go take care of mom. I sell anything I can to make money. I could sell all the clothes and dishes, I really do not care. I just pray that I will make it through but I talk to no one except the people in charities and org. that say they cannot help. I really do not see a way out, and I hate this so bad for my daughter. I would rather her be dead too, than to have her fend for herself.
My parents would never believe I was in this situation or let my child be in it. I need help but there is none. It is so hopeless, no one cares at all these places. I have a stack of bills and looks like no medical help, so I will quickly fall. I wish my daughter did not have to go through this. Life has turned from happy to a tragic ending. Job loss, incurable disease, parents so ill and losing my dad and my biggest supporter has walked out, and no money, we eat crackers or whatever. We are two depressed people and it is just a matter of probably a few days. No one cares anyway.
(USA) Debra, Please go to your nearest Emergency Room for help. Contact the Suicide Prventions Lifeline organization (1 800 273-8255) – suicidepreventionlifeline.org for counseling and intervention.
Your are a vaulable person to our society, to your family and most of all to GOD!!! Please seek some counseling… I look forward to other email messages from you.
(USA) Debra, We are in total agreement with Hope and are praying for you that somehow you see that you are not abandoned and that there is HOPE and light despite the darkness that you have been experiencing lately. I am so, so sorry that you have experienced such darkness and aloneness lately. Please do as she said and don’t give up.
We also suggest if that doesn’t get you the help you need to call Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask for their counseling department number explaining the gravity of the situation. They probably know of some resources /places near you that can help as well. Another place would be to find a Salvation Army Church (even if it’s in another town) and make a copy of what you wrote to us and bring it to one of the Army officers — particularly seek out a female officer, and see what they can do to help you.
Keep knocking at these doors and whatever other doors you can until someone extends the hand of God to help you in your situation. Please know our prayers and love are with you and your daughter.
(USA) The only comfort I think we’ve seen here is that we’re not alone. My husband lost his job 1.5 years ago. This month will mark our 10 year anniversary. Unfortunately, it’s the third time he’s lost his job during our marriage. We have a 7-year-old daughter with special needs. I’ve prayed every day for the Lord to see us through this trial in our lives. Is he listening? My husband’s unemployment will run out in Sept. Thankfully, I have a full time job but it’s not enough to pay our bills. He MUST find something, anything this summer or we will lose our home. It would be wonderful if a Christian counselor could chime in and give us all some useful advice telling us all how to cope with all this stress. Thanks.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years (however have been together 13). He has always been very responsible when it comes to paying his half of the bills. He is collecting unemployment at the current time. I have been employed with the same place for 10 years now. I make “ok” money, nothing to brag about! My benefits and retirement are what I am thankful for!
He has been employed throughout our entire relationship up until about 2 years ago. The company he was working for was basically downsizing. Although I think that his attitude towards another employee over the years made his employer get “fed up.”
He was unemployed for months, said he was looking for work, however his idea of looking for work is sitting in front of the computer while watching television. He finally landed a job for about 9 months but that didn’t work out (again I think his attitude, got in his way)
He is a good person, but very stubborn. He does not like to take direction from his superiors and is very strong willed. He will not play the “politically correct” game. ( I borrowed this from someone above
). He now sits at home every day, watching tv, looking on the internet. I finally said to him the other day, do you think you are going to find a job that way? His response, “that’s how I found the last one”. I just think if the roles were reversed his attitude we be very different towards me. I made the mistake of saying that to him this morning, now he is mad.
We have a house, things need to be done… he does things, but they either do not get finished, or he is moaning and groaning about being in pain. Maybe that’s because he needs to get up off the couch? I am at wits end here… I told him this morning he needs to snap out of it. I don’t think that is going to be enough! Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) It’s good to see I am not alone. My now husband lost his job 1.5 years ago at a large bank. He had never been unemployed before so we surely didn’t think this would last. We got engaged shortly after and are now married. During this time, we moved because I found a job in a different town (after I had been laid off as well). While I believe he wants to work and is depressed about not contributing, I think he could do more.
The only thing he does is applying online. I have told him time and time again that that is not enough. Yet he refuses to do anything beyond that – going to local networking events etc. His benefits are about to run out so I keep hinting at the fact that he will soon just have to take ANY job – Target if need be.
I have also encouraged him to sell his motorcycle at least which he is not thrilled about – and it is certainly not sold yet. I want to be there for him and encourage him but at the same time I feel like he could do more to find a job. He always finds reasons for why this or that wouldn’t work out or is a bad idea. My attitude is ‘just give it a try first!’
We are newlyweds and want to renovate our house, go on vacations, and eventually start a family. I am afraid I will start resenting my husband because I am not able to start a family without him having a job. He recently started his own business, photography, which I am so excited about! But the same behavior pattern here – he could do more to promote it and actually make money. He posts his website online and hopes people will just magically appear out of nowhere. I encouraged him to talk to local businesses, non-profits, etc. to at least build a portfolio and get the word out. To this date – nothing. I feel like I am turning into a nagging, annoying wife which I don’t want to be. But my patience is running low. Luckily my income is enough for us to get by and to stay in our house. But I am more worried about the bigger picture – what if he never changes and gets a job?
(USA) I will be married 4 years in September and my husband has been unemployed a total of 2.5 years. We have one child. I have always worked. I work full time and have since our marriage. I have a salary that allows for a comfortable living with excellent benefits. He is now in the process of changing his career. I support this because I am tired of this life. I still feel that he should do something part time or on the weekends. I am afraid to mention this because the arguments have been horrible. I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months with little success. I am so resentful, disgusted and bitter. I have a complete lack of respect for this man. I cannot take it anymore. Any words of advice will help. I seek solace in the fact that there are other women out there.