I am working, paying for the groceries, the rent, and all other bills. My savings has been depleted. He doesn’t contribute a penny to any of that and then complains if I haven’t cooked dinner in a day or two. (I have cut back on cooking, hoping that he will get tired of not having hot meals and look for a job!)

We have no social life, which would be a nice outlet for our frustration, because there is no money for that. To be honest, this was a problem before he lost his job. He has never contributed as he should. He is a moocher and I am over it.

I know I haven’t been a bit of help to you, but I do want you to know that this problem will not change. Remember this; people who WANT to work, FIND work. You should seriously consider leaving.

Then his car broke down and slowly but surely that sent me back onto the track of my credit card almost being maxed out again. When he returned home he still hasn’t been able to find work. He is moody, angry, quick to snap and sometimes just compltetely ignores me. We no longer can afford to go out anymore. My teeth are overdue for dentist. I can’t afford new clothes. The frustrating thing – I work as a highly skilled professional nurse recieving a fabulous hourly rate. This just covers the bills of two people. And I still can’t afford new clothes or massages like I used to get.

I am giving it another few months and then I think I will have to cut this man lose. I do love him. I am almost 39 and we were trying for a family. Will that be my last chance? I don’t know. Can I live like this for much longer? NO.

I am extremely concerned about our future. The holidays are basically here, and it upsets me. The thought of losing our home is really unthinkable to me. I never thought we would be in this position. As like you, we are good people, who live in a very modest house, and do not drive fancy cars, or take elaborate vacations, rarely go out for dinner, and I can’t remember that last movie we saw out. I just wanted to share my situation with someone in a similar position, and wanted to know how they’re coping.

1) I love him
2) I’ve put so much money into him and his assets (and dragged myself into debt)
3) I work 30 mins out of town and there’s no possible car pool.

I told him one of us is going to get a job as a cashier or grocery store clerk but considering I already work 40 hrs a week, I feel it shouldn’t be me. He just keeps on his track of checking the e-mails I send him (”send this job to a friend”)… I don’t know if he actually applies or not…

All I know is that he sleeps from 8am-1pm. He wakes up for 2-3hrs, “applies for jobs”, aka plays video games, then goes to sleep around 7pm. Wakes up around 11pm, and plays video games all night.

I’m just starting to feel so exhausted and frustrated that I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I love him and he’s great, but I shouldn’t be posting this story. I shouldn’t be crying right now just thinking how I’ve been played all of this time. I shouldn’t be looking into a 2nd job. He isn’t my child, he’s his mother’s child. She hasn’t called to see how he’s doing or try to push him for jobs and all of his family just feels like I’m the bad guy here forcing my husband to work. It feels like I’ve dug my own grave and now I’m just sitting here waiting for one more bill to cover me with dirt.

I’m 21, I shouldn’t be stuck in the situation I am with a 28 year old husband, a 31 year old brother in law, and a 25 year old cousin in law ALL hanging out at my apartment all day! I wish I could just tell all three of them to go get jobs and that I’m locking my apartment until 5pm. See you then.

I didn’t think life was going to be like this. If I had, I never would have moved. I never would have gotten into a car accident without insurance (because my husband couldn’t pay for it at the time) and owe the guy who hit me 15,000$. I never would have let my husband sign his 26% interest car for 6 years (that I need to drive to work in). I never would have even talked to him on the phone.

I wish there was an opportunity out there to rewind time back to when I was 18 and stupid, yet know what I know now. Don’t move to Alberta, it’s nothing like it seems.

The thought of raising our 3 (2 of which are school going) children by myself angers me so much that I have considered divorce several times. I taken care of all the bills at home (from the mortgage, the food to the transport for the school-going children) while he sits in another town unconcerned. Is there any way I can get him to pitch in?

I don’t know all of the circumstances behind this firing or how he treats other women — whether he’s a flirt in some way and puts you in uncomfortable situations or not. If he DOES do that, then you have a marriage problem that needs to be seriously addressed. Your husband needs to learn and put up boundaries to protect your marriage, your feelings, and protect himself from doing that which is wrong. Again, I don’t know the history here.

We have quite a few articles on this web site in the “Extra Marital Affairs” section as well as several Marriage Messages on the subject of putting up protective boundaries that might help you to figure out what you may need to respectfully demand of your husband in the future (before you would consider leaving him). You can put the word “hedges” into the search feature of this web site to read quite a few of the articles we have posted on this subject.

But as far your being offended by his using you as an excuse, if it were me, I’d let my husband use any excuse he could think of — me included, to get out of inappropriate circumstances, such as you described. There’s no doubt that it would definitely be braver and more gallant if he stood on his own two feet and said, “it’s not appropriate because I’m married and my time away from work is reserved for my wife and family” but sometimes guys (and gals) don’t always think of such things when they’re put on the spot. They grab for a lame excuse instead. (Too bad they don’t have script writers to help them in these circumstances.)

You may consider giving him grace on the lameness of what he said if it’s possible. Sometimes we can grab an offense that is better off being left alone. I’m not sure if that’s what you’re doing here or not, but pray about it. I’ve had to do this at times in our marriage, knowing there are times when I need grace as well (and knowing I can sometimes “miss the forest for the trees” in how I can grab an offense too easily and run with it when it would be better if I dropped it and concentrated on other things instead). Again, pray about it… you and the Lord have more information on this than I do.

I hope in thinking twice (and your telling him you wish he would not use you this way) that your husband would do things differently if he could hit a re-wind on the excuse he gave. And I hope there isn’t more to the story that he’s not telling you. I’m wondering why she would think her manager would be open to receiving such “jokes” and phone calls. But then again, there are a lot of brazen people out in the work world now-a-days.

As far as leaving him — you say your marriage has gone down a “difficult road the entire time”, does that have to do with his flirting and such? If it does, then some actions need to be put into place to stop this in the future –to shore up your relationship and your marriage and make the road less “difficult” in the future. I’m not sure that leaving is the step to take — especially with children to be considered here. I’d try to do many other things than that if I could.

It’s difficult for me to give you advice… we aren’t marriage counselors, we’re marriage educators. I encourage you to talk to someone who could give you some feed back (that is marriage friendly) and experienced in this type of thing. You really need a two way conversation going back and forth to explain more of what has gone on, both now and in the past in your marriage, so you can be better directed as far as what you can do at this point.

I encourage you to go into the “Marriage Counseling” section of this web site and go into the “Links” we provide in that section. The ministry of Focus on the Family has counselors on staff during business hours that might be able to point you in a good direction. And their advice is free (even though it isn’t a long term counseling situation) — with your husband being unemployed, this might be a good first step. It’s a step I hope you will consider.

So he told the female employee not to contact him on his personal phone any longer because his wife (me) didn’t think it was okay. When she asked why, he told her “Because you are a young and attractive female”. At least he had the guts to tell me this after he was fired, but I am absolutely sickened by his comments. I find it cowardly and disrespectful for me to use me as his excuse in this way. We have been married for nearly 14 years, and it has been a difficult road the entire time. He is a decent father, so I feel badly about leaving. Any advice?

During this time, a friend of mine suggested I apply for a position in Law Enforcement, the same as him. He told me all I needed was a bachelor’s degree. Growing up I had always dreamed of getting into law enforcement but when I got to college I found out they test for color blindness, and I am slightly colorblind. I didn’t pursue this avenue because I thought it was a waste of time. Anyway, my friend talked me into applying stating the worst that can happen is I wouldn’t make it so I applied.

In the meantime, I began a career in teaching. This past year I was laid off again, and I realized I really didn’t enjoy this position. I’ve applied everywhere, and can’t find a job. However, a few weeks ago (after 3 years) I got a call about the Federal Law Enforcement position. Unfortunately it will take me out of state for a few years away from my wife and 2 small children. It was a very hard decision for me, but I decided that it would be worth it in a few years when I can transfer home. Plus, we have a very close family to help her here. It’s something I really want, and it also pays well, and I can make it home a couple weekends a month.

The issue I’m having is my wife hasn’t said much about it, and today she spoke her mind. She’s very upset that I’d be leaving her and the kids. I tried to explain that I don’t really know what I am going to do for a job if I don’t take this. Also, she always makes me feel bad about not making money (even when I was, but not as much as her). I feel that any choice I make is a bad one. I dread having to be away from my family. All I think about is how and when, I can get home. But then I remember that, when I do get home we will be financially secure, and my wife could even take time off if she wanted. Can anyone share some advice?

Our bond is in arrears, water & lights bill too, people/attorneys have been sending notifications & threatening to take legal action. Soon I’ll be going on maternity leave & then my pay will be even less. I really feel like throwing in the towel & just calling it quits. I know when I love I’m supposed to love unconditionally, that I’m supposed to build, encourage, and edify my husband — that I should even submit to him. But all that is easier said than done.

I’m really confused, hurt & angry. How can I continue living like this, furthermore what example is he (and are we) setting for our children? Divorce would be my last option, since I grew up with my own parents being divorced & know what that’s like. But what’s the use in having both parents around when all they do is argue because of financial stress? If anyone has any words of wisdom for me, it would be much appreciated.

I have been supporting us by myself, which was bad enough before I went into premature labor with our twin sons at six months. I was hospitalized and they were delivered early Due to the fact that one of the babies required a c-section, I was unable to work for an extended period of time. I had the forethought to have disability and savings, but it was used quickly while I was off work. I’m going back to work soon, but the stress of having to take care of a grown man who is capable of contributing financially but refuses to is tearing me apart. I just had two children, and I didn’t get married to have a third.

I’ve gotten to the point of desperation and have asked him to move out (not just because of money – we have other serious problems as well) and I just feel like God is so far away from me right now. I don’t know how to pray for someone who doesn’t care enough about me and our sons to man up and provide for us! What kind of person has money (he’s getting enough unemployment to help take care of the home) and stands by and watches his wife struggle? How can he justify his lack of concern? He blames me for being “petty”, but doesn’t see how his behavior and choices have led to this breakdown in our relationship.

I don’t want to have to get a divorce, but he seems more angry about being asked to get out than he is that our marriage has fallen apart. I’m so upset and depressed every time I see him I want to hit him or cry – or both! I’m trying to make sure our children are provided for, but I just don’t know how to be positive right now.

But, despite all this my husband gets upset with me when I take a nap. He’ll make sure I wake up by banging the pots & pans, turning on the TV loud or just simply saying in a loud voice “is your mom sleeping again?” It upsets me so much and I’ve told him that before.

I feel helpless that I’m not able to find a job to put in my share for the bills. I’ve sold my nice car -now driving a beat up car but it doesn’t bother me much. I’ve been working ever since I’ve been married and it’s been 25 years…this is the first time in my life I’ve been without a job and also not bringing any income in to help with the household. I was self employed in my last job so am not able to get unemployment. My husband wants me do jobs which require heavy lifting and I’m not able to lift more than 25 lbs since I have a fusion in my neck. He tells me I’m lazy and not putting an effort in finding a job. What to do?

Creditors are calling and I’m having a hard time paying the mortgage but I manage to be polite to the creditors and look at all the things I’m grateful for. But, despite all this my husband’s foul mood changes the whole atmosphere… I am so depressed now… how should I react to my husband’s “put down”?

I can no longer take it. I worry to much about him and him working or getting a job, I am ready to start my life and to just start worrying about me and my girls. Thank God my girls are 14 and 17. It has been a rough road for them with their father too.

I am thinking about finally getting my own place with my girls since my husband is really useless. I need to start living again.

To all my friends, it’s time to live everyday like it is the last day on earth. Be Happy everybody – all you wives and mothers deserve it!

Once we moved and I started working (I’d gotten the job before we moved). It took him 3 months to find a job. After 4 months working, he complained every day that it wasn’t what he wanted. He would call me yelling about how much he hated the job and his boss. He’d call me at work and say he was walking out. We were paying a mortgage on our old home and rent in the new state.

We finally sold our home after he was working for 5 months. We found a house, broke our apt lease and bought a home. He quit his job the next month. He SAID, that if he couldn’t find anything soon, he’d go back to his old job. That was 6 1/2 months ago. He keeps complaining that he needs to finish his degree. He’s been saying that since I met him 6 years ago, but he never looks into grants or loans or online courses. He hadn’t put in any resumes or applications until last month. He is bent on being a teacher and is going to try substituting this fall (which will be what one or two days a week, if we are lucky?).

I got him an interview where I work for part time, 3 days a week 8-4pm. He told the interviewer that he “didn’t expect to be here long.” SO, of course he did not get hired. He still has not looked into getting his degree. He has found a one day a week job, as a newspaper deliverer for about $75/week. Today is the first day. He called me complaining that the person in charge has changed the time he had to start from 6pm to 3pm. BIG DEAL! WHAT WERE YOU DOING??? He complains about every opportunity he gets, which are usually things I find for him.

I am losing respect for him and am worried about our finances. My paycheck covers the bills, but not food, his HOBBIES, gas or anything else. He needs to work, says he wants to and that he feels bad about not “contributing”. He takes care of our son after school and has during the summer, and cleans the house and makes dinner, but he is not putting out an effort to find a job.

It seems like he thinks someone will come knocking on the door to offer him something. It’s making me so angry. I don’t yell at him or say something I feel because then he gets angry and starts screaming …I know he’s mad at himself… but he isn’t doing anything to change his life. HELP!!

I have worked part time throughout this time, while also maintaining the house and raising the children. He is 50 and a good person, great father and means well, but I am at a loss. I am so depressed and angry. I don’t know how to get through to him. Divorce is too expensive and not an option. I need to find a way to cope as our money runs out and my stress level elevates.

Initially, this was not such an issue as I was making good money and on the fast track to continue to move up with the company in which I was working. Then in 2005, I was laid off due to corporate restructuring. I was devastated!

I immediately began looking for work, but soon found out that there were not many jobs with an income that I was making before and I was getting worried. I asked my husband to get a job so at least we could make ends meet if I needed to take a job at a lesser salary.

I eventually found a job within a few months, but it was 1/2 of what I was making before. Again, I asked my husband to get a job. He never even looked. I became very frustrated with him and tried everything. I was mean to him, joked with him, tried to make lite of things. I cut every bill I could to bring down our monthly expenses. He still never even looked for a job.

We wiped out our savings, racked up $30,000 in credit card debt, stopped saving for retirement and we still struggle to make ends meet.

In 2008, I found a higher paying job that has helped us out quite a bit, but now I am still barely making ends meet due to the debt we have incurred and the ever increasing prices of everything. Again, I have tried to ask him to do something to bring some extra money into the house. Still nothing.

The really sad part is that he is a good father & husband. He does all of the laundry, dishes, cooking and some of the cleaning. He does not sit around playing games or eating bonbons. He maintains the yard and any repairs to the house.

Sometimes I wish that I could walk away and leave him, but I still love him and I also do not want to create disruption to our son. I really am at a loss as to what to do!

It has been rough because he likes to spend on everything but bills, and both he and his family lived paycheck to paycheck with no assets to their name. The house we had was rented from my parents. Three major appliances and a riding lawnmower were purchased by me with no offer of financial help from my husband. At the time I had a decent savings built up. Now he is unemployed for the past 2 months by choice (he was waiting on a indefinite job that fell through two weeks after he quit his job) and he’s not actively looking for a job. He’s waiting on a family member on his side to get him a higher paying one than he originally had.

This has let to a lot of stress and tension because his reason was because he had no car or DL. There was no way he could job hunt… we had the Internet. He didn’t want to apply, nor did he ever ask or offer to plan a day to look. He stayed at home, played video games, and watched TV the entire time.

I had to find a way to pay almost a thousand in bills because he insisted he would have a job before the end of the month and there was no need to cut back. My savings is all but evaporated at this point. That’s when I insisted we leave our home and stay with our respected parents for a little while.

I’ve cut the bills down some but I am still paying 100%. His passiveness in getting a job, drawing unemployment, or some other financial relief has me wondering if he just wanted someone to take care of him while he loafs. It certainly puts love and patience to the test and while he’s living it up at his parents house (and to this day he’s put in one single application for work since the second week of Dec 08. He’s left all the stress and responsibility on me and has made me depressed, stressed, miserable and disgusted at his behavior.

This is my first marriage. I can’t help but wonder how much we love each other and if he is worth staying with.

He used to work for a big food manufacturer here in town for a few years but that plant closed and moved away a few years ago (in 2004) and since then everything started going down the hill. Every job he finds he compares to that, which is impossible. He has no professional training or experience in anything in particular but he refuses to go to work for $9 or $10 per hour. He had a few jobs in the last few years and the longest that he stayed at was 3 months. After that it would take us several months to find a new one.

It is not that my husband refuses to find a job, he does not look for it at all. I am looking for jobs online and applying for him. When employers respond, he’d talk to them and go to interviews. It is especially hard for me to do this for him because I work two jobs. I have a full time 8-5 job and right after that I go to another job where I stay till at least 9:30 pm. I usually come home not before 10 o’clock at night. I got this part time job not too long ago because I was not able to meet ends.

Everything else is on me, chores, bills, shopping, etc. He does not move from the couch and the computer (looking at stuff on e-bay or playing games). There are so many things around the house that he could do but he does not care about any of it, and it seems that he does not care about me either. He would call me at night when I am on my way home to stop and get him something to eat or cigarettes. If I said something against it, he would be offended and start arguing with me.

Another thing which is his “wild card” and he plays it a lot, is that he has history of seizures. He takes high dosages of seizure medicine. If I refuse to do something for him, like get him cigarettes for example, he would refuse to take medicine. Then I have to adjust my behavior because I do not want him to get into a car, get a seizure and kill someone on the street. He really behaves like a little child.

He also has a basement full of stuff (old radios, music equipment, books, etc) that he used to collect, but that just stays there and collects dust. He mentions sometimes that he could sell it, but that is just talk to shut me up for a little while.

I just wish that he would be more responsible. I am afraid that I will not me able to take it much longer. I am only 30 years old. We’ve been married for 8. Like I said above, I’ve been dealing with this situation for quite some time now. I am getting really exhausted. I don’t know how to proceed. I do not want to get divorced because that I do not feel that I am solving problem with that. That is giving up.

I would like to hear from other people that are in the same position as me and I would like to see how they are dealing with the situation.