“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication.
Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.
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(USA) Thank God for this answer. It is definitely what I needed to hear!
(UNITED STATES) I agree. It’s not a good idea to date during a separation. I made that mistake a it cost me my marriage. I’m still in love with my former husband and I cannot move on. I never had an affair while we were under the same roof. It wasn’t until we separated that I had an affair because I dated a guy at my work place. He knew I was vulnerable and I fell into the trap. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I wouldn’t have given going out with him a second thought. My husband didn’t know about the affair. Only until we got back together, I confessed the affair to my husband. Everyone thought I was crazy for volunteering the information to him, but I couldn’t live with myself sleeping next to him every night. I was so convicted, I had to tell him knowing that it cost me my marriage. And it did.
(USA) Hello all, I added a comment not to long ago about agreeing that it’s not a good idea to date while going through a separation. I still stand by that. I am divorced from my husband 1 month shy of a year. I am still standing in faith that God will restore our marriage. Should I still not date being a divorced woman? I know that I am free to do so, but will God still answer my prayers for my husband and myself to restore this marriage? I get lonely and want the company of the opposite sex at times –not for the physical but for dinners, jogs around the track and maybe a movie. Am I fooling myself?
Hi Gloria, If you are “standing in faith” that God will restore your marriage, what kind of a message will you be sending to your husband if you date another man? It’s understandable that you’re lonely, but it sends a mixed message that taking care of your loneliness is more important than “standing.” Standing means you are unmovable — not moving in another direction. And what man, that you would date, would be satisfied with just “going to a movie” or “going out to dinner” without eventually wanting more? You can do that with female friends or a group of people, but a man, when he has the opportunity to be one-on-one with a female usually wants more, and believe me, your husband would know that.
Plus, you’ve shown your weakness in the past with how you get involved when a man shows you attention, why would this be different for you? It would be a way of throwing yourself into a tempting situation for you and for the other man. And again, your husband could very well look at it this way. He would figure that you did it once — why would he think you would do otherwise this time?
If you’re standing — stand! Don’t cave in to temptation to inch in another direction. It could be the ruin of whatever chance you could have of reconciling. It would be good for your husband to see that no matter how lonely you were or are, no one else could take his place. You made that mistake once, I hope you won’t repeat it.
(USA) Thank you Cindy, your insight means a lot. I knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t be right and to be honest, I’m not interested in getting into a relationship except for my husband. I do have 3 sister girlfriends that I can spend time with. They always offer their company and thank God. I’ll take them up on it from now on!!
(USA) Hi Cindy, I really appreciate your insight and value your input on some things I may not be too clear on. I ended a friendship with a guy just so things wouldn’t get any more complicated. This is not the same guy I had the affair with. My friendship with this guy was strictly platonic. I am not attracted to him in any way, but I can’t say the same about his feelings towards me.
I have taken your advice and I call on my girlfriends when I get lonely and yet, I don’t get lonely that much any more. I spend a lot of time with the Lord and enjoy my peace and solitude until I see my boys on the weekends. Anyway, I can see the Lord working about this situation between my former husband and I. I don’t want to get too excited about it, but I cried little tears of joy when I talked to my husband last night. He told me of a business he wanted to get off the ground while still working full time, and asked me if I could help him in getting it organized to get started. Of course I told him yes because I love him to life.
A part of me is hesitant about it because I may just be used for that reason and he still does not want me as his wife again. I know I’m probably answering my own question. Should I let God continue to work and not let satan put those negative thoughts in my mind? I would love your feedback Cindy. God bless you.
(USA) Hi, I was browsing through the topic of separation. I’m not at all interested in dating someone else while separated from my husband. We have been married for almost nine years, but seven months ago he packed his things, said he wasn’t happy and that he wanted to be by himself (that’s the short version). Anyway, I was reading that the goal of separation should be reconciliation. My husband’s words when asked what was the purpose of his leaving said that he felt that we were "attempting reconciliation the last three years of our marriage" and that his goal is divorce and apologized for things not working out.
Now, my question is what do I do when I’m the only one who seeks to reconcile? I have been praying and searching God’s word for the answers that I need. I know that there is nothing too big for my God. I just feel really helpless right now. Maybe that means that I need to just increase my faith. Next question, how do I know if it is not in God’s will that this man no longer be my husband? (I only ask that because of some issues we have had in our marriage.) Sorry for rambling on, but I would love someone else’s take on the situation.
(USA) I have been separated for over a year from my wife. Even though she walked out on me, I am still friends with her but my trust is not there with her. We were married for more than 20 years and we have 3 daughters and a lot of grandkids. The girls were the ones who told me that she was planning to leave as soon as her dad passed away and it did happen. We still talk and I do things for her when she asks (she pays me for my work). At first I was mad that she walked out but now I feel relieved since my health is improving and I feel much better. My doctor has asked if we were going to get back together and to be honest I don’t want to salvage this marriage since I cannot trust her any more.
The reason we haven’t filed for a divorce is due to medical insurance. I get my insurance through the federal government which is cheaper to keep her covered than to have to buy it elsewhere. She lives her own life and I live mine. I have not dated anyone yet but I find myself wanting to find someone to take to dinner or a movie and just be with. I have been told to just go out and do it but I am afraid that once the gal finds out that I am still legally married it could make things worse. I don’t lie to anyone and am up front. When will I decide to file for a divorce? I really don’t know.
(USA) I need help. My wife left everything.
(USA) Steve and Cindy have mentioned Restore Ministries (www.restoreministries.org) for the separated. It is a helpful site if you have not seen it. God Bless and don’t give up on the Lord’s love for you and your family.
http://www.marriagemissions.com/i-am-standing-for-the-healing-of-my-marriage/