“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication.
Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.
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(USA) Thank God for this answer. It is definitely what I needed to hear!
(UNITED STATES) I agree. It’s not a good idea to date during a separation. I made that mistake a it cost me my marriage. I’m still in love with my former husband and I cannot move on. I never had an affair while we were under the same roof. It wasn’t until we separated that I had an affair because I dated a guy at my work place. He knew I was vulnerable and I fell into the trap. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I wouldn’t have given going out with him a second thought. My husband didn’t know about the affair. Only until we got back together, I confessed the affair to my husband. Everyone thought I was crazy for volunteering the information to him, but I couldn’t live with myself sleeping next to him every night. I was so convicted, I had to tell him knowing that it cost me my marriage. And it did.
(USA) Hello all, I added a comment not to long ago about agreeing that it’s not a good idea to date while going through a separation. I still stand by that. I am divorced from my husband 1 month shy of a year. I am still standing in faith that God will restore our marriage. Should I still not date being a divorced woman? I know that I am free to do so, but will God still answer my prayers for my husband and myself to restore this marriage? I get lonely and want the company of the opposite sex at times –not for the physical but for dinners, jogs around the track and maybe a movie. Am I fooling myself?
Hi Gloria, If you are “standing in faith” that God will restore your marriage, what kind of a message will you be sending to your husband if you date another man? It’s understandable that you’re lonely, but it sends a mixed message that taking care of your loneliness is more important than “standing.” Standing means you are unmovable — not moving in another direction. And what man, that you would date, would be satisfied with just “going to a movie” or “going out to dinner” without eventually wanting more? You can do that with female friends or a group of people, but a man, when he has the opportunity to be one-on-one with a female usually wants more, and believe me, your husband would know that.
Plus, you’ve shown your weakness in the past with how you get involved when a man shows you attention, why would this be different for you? It would be a way of throwing yourself into a tempting situation for you and for the other man. And again, your husband could very well look at it this way. He would figure that you did it once — why would he think you would do otherwise this time?
If you’re standing — stand! Don’t cave in to temptation to inch in another direction. It could be the ruin of whatever chance you could have of reconciling. It would be good for your husband to see that no matter how lonely you were or are, no one else could take his place. You made that mistake once, I hope you won’t repeat it.
(USA) Thank you Cindy, your insight means a lot. I knew deep in my heart that it wouldn’t be right and to be honest, I’m not interested in getting into a relationship except for my husband. I do have 3 sister girlfriends that I can spend time with. They always offer their company and thank God. I’ll take them up on it from now on!!
(USA) Hi Cindy, I really appreciate your insight and value your input on some things I may not be too clear on. I ended a friendship with a guy just so things wouldn’t get any more complicated. This is not the same guy I had the affair with. My friendship with this guy was strictly platonic. I am not attracted to him in any way, but I can’t say the same about his feelings towards me.
I have taken your advice and I call on my girlfriends when I get lonely and yet, I don’t get lonely that much any more. I spend a lot of time with the Lord and enjoy my peace and solitude until I see my boys on the weekends. Anyway, I can see the Lord working about this situation between my former husband and I. I don’t want to get too excited about it, but I cried little tears of joy when I talked to my husband last night. He told me of a business he wanted to get off the ground while still working full time, and asked me if I could help him in getting it organized to get started. Of course I told him yes because I love him to life.
A part of me is hesitant about it because I may just be used for that reason and he still does not want me as his wife again. I know I’m probably answering my own question. Should I let God continue to work and not let satan put those negative thoughts in my mind? I would love your feedback Cindy. God bless you.
(USA) Hi, I was browsing through the topic of separation. I’m not at all interested in dating someone else while separated from my husband. We have been married for almost nine years, but seven months ago he packed his things, said he wasn’t happy and that he wanted to be by himself (that’s the short version). Anyway, I was reading that the goal of separation should be reconciliation. My husband’s words when asked what was the purpose of his leaving said that he felt that we were "attempting reconciliation the last three years of our marriage" and that his goal is divorce and apologized for things not working out.
Now, my question is what do I do when I’m the only one who seeks to reconcile? I have been praying and searching God’s word for the answers that I need. I know that there is nothing too big for my God. I just feel really helpless right now. Maybe that means that I need to just increase my faith. Next question, how do I know if it is not in God’s will that this man no longer be my husband? (I only ask that because of some issues we have had in our marriage.) Sorry for rambling on, but I would love someone else’s take on the situation.
(USA) I have been separated for over a year from my wife. Even though she walked out on me, I am still friends with her but my trust is not there with her. We were married for more than 20 years and we have 3 daughters and a lot of grandkids. The girls were the ones who told me that she was planning to leave as soon as her dad passed away and it did happen. We still talk and I do things for her when she asks (she pays me for my work). At first I was mad that she walked out but now I feel relieved since my health is improving and I feel much better. My doctor has asked if we were going to get back together and to be honest I don’t want to salvage this marriage since I cannot trust her any more.
The reason we haven’t filed for a divorce is due to medical insurance. I get my insurance through the federal government which is cheaper to keep her covered than to have to buy it elsewhere. She lives her own life and I live mine. I have not dated anyone yet but I find myself wanting to find someone to take to dinner or a movie and just be with. I have been told to just go out and do it but I am afraid that once the gal finds out that I am still legally married it could make things worse. I don’t lie to anyone and am up front. When will I decide to file for a divorce? I really don’t know.
(USA) I need help. My wife left everything.
(USA) Steve and Cindy have mentioned Restore Ministries (www.restoreministries.org) for the separated. It is a helpful site if you have not seen it. God Bless and don’t give up on the Lord’s love for you and your family.
http://www.marriagemissions.com/i-am-standing-for-the-healing-of-my-marriage/
(USA) Restore ministries only deals with wives standing. They closed down their ministry for husbands that are standing.
http://www.restorem.org/ "RMI is became a Women Only ministry on May 1, 2005. HOWEVER, we do have hope and help!
Click here for encouragement, to find out about a new men’s restoration ministry that is forming, and to read our FREE resources for men."
Really sad, since fewer wayward wives return than do husbands. Men really need support, and someone to fight against the false stereotypes that men are unfaithful and women are victims.
(USA) I have been with this woman for 14 years and September 28 made 3 yrs of marriage. I am 27 yrs old and she just turned 28. We have know been separated for about 4 months now. She has found here a new friend while we are separated and is bringing him to the house. We have 2 kids together. I moved out in July cause I found numbers on her phone bill so I called and it was the man that everybody had been telling me about. This is the same man that she’s bringing to the house. Should I go out and start dating and is this marriage over? Need help on the subject.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi all, I was just reading the comments, I am in separation too. My husband is on and off in my life. We have two boys. He just called me again last week and I don’t know what is he up to. But I just want to share these few words with you all. The Bible makes it clear that GOD hates divorce (Malachi 2:10-16). And Jesus explained this when the Pharisees asked him about the divorce (Matthew 19:1-12).
Firstly, I understand that in some cases we don’t have the control to make decisions. But one question you have to ask is, what does God want? The Bible says if you divorce, you are not allowed to get married while your husband is still alive. Would you rather sin than obey God’s law? If we are Christians, we are not to make decisions according to what we want but according to God.
I am 28 yrs. God gave me a husband but he left me. I don’t need another man because God himself said he hates divorce so then why would he allow me to divorce? If my marriage wasn’t meant to happen then that means I was not meant to have a man. He would rather that I have self-control. Again, if you are dating while in separation are you cheating what the Bible says about cheating? Again, if you are dating, will your partner understand that sex before marriage is against God?
I love you brothers and sisters but let us not let our heart desires drag us away from God’s law. When Jesus died for us it wasn’t easy but he didn’t say, “These people are stinging me, I wont die for them” because he made a promise to God and he wanted to do God’s will. It is the same as when you make vows to your spouse, you are making those vows to God, so now who is unfaithful to GOD?
Have you really ever asked God patiently why is all this happening in the world? Left and right, people are getting married and one year or one month later they are divorcing, why? This is all not from GOD. God bless you all.
(UNITED STATES) I was married to a man for 6 years, and have been separated for 3. He is not of the same faith as me, in fact he doesn’t believe at all. I married this man for all of the wrong reasons, mainly for our oldest son who was born out of wedlock. He has always been mentally and verbally abusive with a sharp tongue and very bad temper.
He cheated on me throughout our marriage and I finally reached my breaking point three years ago when he abandoned me and our three children to live with another woman. I am now seeking to find my spiritual closeness with God and would very much so like to walk with Jesus Christ.
A good friend of mine for two years now helped to bring me back to my faith and I love him and thank God for him. My problem is that we have totally fallen in love with each other. He is in my home state of Colorado and I am in Florida, but plan on moving back to Colorado the end of June.
Are we committing a sin? I absolutely do not want to be a part in making him sin, nor do I want to. We did happen to have a very intense sexual conversation that included masturbation on the telephone. I want for us to do the right thing, I have never felt a love for a man like this before, and I really believe in my heart that God has chosen us to be together. Please Help! God Bless!
(US) Hi, I am not to sure if my separation will have any type of reconciliation. We have been married 8 years and separated for 2 months now, at the beginning she was not giving either one of us space to think about how to make things right. Out of the blue she gave me a couple of days of no talking between us. In that time I found out what was important and finally figured out how to save my marriage. When I came back to her to start talking she said it was too late.
How can things change in a couple of days. Honestly, I turned into what she was at the beginning of our separation. She did start talking more to her friends and started going out. I mean I went to spend time with my friends too but I do not let them judge her or get in the way of my marriage.
Is she choosing them and this new freedom over me and our kids? Or is she talking to someone and they are filling her up with a gap that she missed with me, and she is stuck in the middle?
(USA) OK, so my wife and I decided we were getting divorced. So we went our separate ways. We also have a daughter. I ended up having sex with a girl while I was heavily intoxicated, whom I would have NEVER had sex with were I sober.
My wife asked me to come over and talk last night so I did, we decided to attempt to work things out and make things better. But I am SOOOO torn on the fact that I had sex with this girl. I don’t want to tell her because I am pretty sure she will leave me. And I want to be with her and don’t want to hurt her so badly!
I hate what I did, and the girl who did it, was sober, and she even apologized to me for doing that to me. I was sort of forced. I was drunk and would never have done it sober. I have decided to quit drinking.
I can’t decide whether I am going to tell my wife or not. I want to tell her because I don’t want her to find out later. But, I don’t want to tell her because I love her and want to be with her. I HATE MYSELF for allowing that girl to come to my party. It is probably the biggest regret of my life so far. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her, and I don’t know if she will stay or not.
(USA) Needless to say this only applies to couples who are in a "normal" divorce situation. I divorced my husband several years ago after about four years of marriage. I am SO GLAD TO THIS DAY that I dated during my separation from him. My ex-husband was an abusive and violent man who had repeatedly strangled me and threatened to kill me if I left him. He was controlling to the point of questioning me repeatedly about my normal method of using the restroom!
We tried the process of Christian reconciliation (after three years of my requesting it) but when I detailed even a few of my ex’s offenses against me to his pastor, I simply found myself abused even more. As soon as we had gotten off of the phone he accused me of "ruining his relationship with his pastor" and then tormented me until I quite literally had a nervous breakdown and just sat there screaming and screaming because I felt as if my very soul was about to die.
Other attempts at counseling resulted in either the same thing or else a total unwillingness of my ex-husband to participate beyond paranoid accusations against me. At the same time, he continued to go to the bars, to find new sexual conquests, and would return home drunk to the point of sickness and then tell me how I could never measure up to these new WOMEN in his life.
Throughout my ordeal I was entirely faithful, and prayed often that God would bring back the sweet and gentle man I had fallen in love with. In the end, however, I had to recognize that he never even existed. It had all been a deception on his part. His original reasons for marrying me, as it turned out, had nothing to do with love.
When he finally moved out, I found myself isolated, without friends, far from family, and the only person in my church divorce group who had come out of an abusive situation. Although they were sympathetic, I was the odd one out, because many of my problems were the complete opposite of theirs.
Careful dating, after taking a few months to just enjoy being alone, helped me remember that not every man is a deceitful and hurtful monster and that one day I could once again find someone to love me, to share my life with, and to finally start a family with. It kept me from getting "entrenched" by my fears.
I am hoping to remarry very soon, but I never would have gotten to this point if I had not taken those first early steps back into the wilderness. It truly did help me with my healing process which I can now say took a full five years to complete. Longer than my actual marriage even.
Sometimes there is no room for reconciliation. One spouse cannot do everything and one size does not fit all. I am lucky that I am even alive today and free from that monster who masqueraded as a "husband."
So judge not, because you never know the truth behind someone’s "happy" marriage. Abuse is seldom presented to the world.
(UNITED STATES) I am so sorry to hear your story, Rachel. It must be very difficult to read articles about keeping hope in a marriage and persevering through the good and bad times. As you know it is almost impossible to keep hope in situations where you are so confused and afraid. Someone you once shared such intimate moments with, turns out to be something incomprehensible.
My sister is now going through a separation and divorce. I agree with the above article in it’s warning against building a relationship when one is just coming to an end. It is interesting, however to think of how one can come to an end of a relationship, or what marks the end of a relationship. Does the end come with a signed, legal document? Or does the end come when the individual finds peace in knowing that this chapter of their life has ended and another can be begun? I do not believe that the signing of a legal document automatically makes one ready to move on, nor do I believe it prudent to hinder others process of moving on until documentation is in order.
I find the article callously, "one size fits all"-using the words of Rachel. I feel that this close minded view can be very dangerous to people living in abusive situations as Rachel wrote about from her experience. Telling women or men to stay connected to a person that is continually hurting them or keep hope alive for a reunion with someone that chronically mistreats them is insensitive and irresponsible. I appreciate the articles on this site about abuse and finding ways to cope, but I am very disappointed in this articles disregard for the individual’s unique experience around divorce issues.
(USA) I have been dating a man who is currently separated from his wife for 4 years. He constantly tells me that he is waiting for his lawyer to finalized the divorce but the time is slowly ticking away and no divorce is evident. If I don’t ask about the divorce then he won’t bring it up. I am tired of waiting for this man. I love him, but I am no fool. Please advise me.
(USA) Hi, My husband and I are going through a really tough time because I said some very horrible hurtful things to him when I was angry with him about his excessive habits (pornography, smoking, drinking, spending). Instead of holding my peace and praying for him, I decided to belittle him and tear away his-self esteem. Now I regret it greatly as he now says he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and that he is not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. Deep inside I know that he is just hurt and that he does love me in spite of the hurt.
I feel really torn because the way things have gone lately, I feel like I have completely lost him. The fact is that during the course of our relationship, I have said and done some hurtful things to him and I have always apologized and asked him to forgive me, but this time it is different because now it feels as though he is trying to punish me. We just had a baby about 8 months ago and ever since the pregnancy/baby transition I have noticed that he is withdrawing from me more and more and it has even gotten to the point of us sleeping separately from one another. It is was a mutual decision but then I realized that is driving even more of a wedge between us.
Now we are at a point where divorce is a regular part of conversation between him and I. I am supposed to be the one who the believer in our relationship but right now since he is the unbeliever, I feel as though no matter what I say or do, he has no reverence for God and he is going to do what his flesh leads him to do. I have found myself feeling lonely and I have found myself reaching out to male friends.
I have made it clear to my husband that during this "separation" (which we still live in the same house and see each other everyday, but we do try to avoid each other as much as possible) period that it would be best not to date other people as it may cause problems if we decided to reconcile. I feel so wrong because the male friends I have chosen to spend time with are guys that I have known either just as long as I have known my husband or longer and I have made sure that there is NO physical attraction on my part to them.
I guess I feel guilty because I feel like I am doing something wrong, but I have never done anything remotely romantic and I try to make sure that I conduct myself in a upright manner (no excessive physical contact, intimate details, etc). I guess I am just looking for someone to talk to and to get a male perspective from. I almost feel like I am using my guy friends for their ear and I am afraid that they may be expecting more because my husband always tell me that with me men never want to be my friend because all they want from me is sex. I told him that men and women can have good friendship but he says he is a man and he knows how men work.
I don’t feel like I am dating but I have spent one on one time with my guys friends but I keep it very platonic. 95% of the time my husband knows but right now he is not really speaking to me so our conversation is very limited but if asked I would be 100% forthcoming about it. I don’t not find myself being emotionally drawn to these men in a romantic sense but I do find myself becoming a little more withdrawn from my husband and I do find myself caring less about trying to make our relationship work.
Honestly I feel since he does not care anymore and he swears he doesn’t love me anymore, he watches porno even more than before, he drink and smokes more than ever, I feel as though he hates me, why should I continue to be hurt and rejected by him? He yells at me when I speak to him even if it is just to say Hello. He never answers his phone when I call even if I need something for our daughter, he basically stays away from the house until it is time to go to bed.
I have been praying for him and our marriage but I feel like I am spinning my wheels because he just doesn’t want me and I feel like I need to just accept it and surround myself with those who enjoy my company (male or female) Am I wrong for doing this? I cannot tell if I am being a fool or not. I just don’t know what to think.
(USA) Kristen, I am going thru the same thing with my wife. We have been together 17 years and married for 13. We have two boys. She actually had bypass surgery 3 years ago, and has changed tremendously. She became very distant in our marriage and began being very disrespectful. After awhile, I asked her if she wanted to be in this marriage anymore and she could not answer.
Well after 2 days she told me she was not in love with me anymore. We had just renewed our 10 year wedding vows 7 months earlier. She said she did not know why she was not but she needed space. Well 2 months went by and there was a lot of arguing and disrespect coming from her. I stayed around trying to salvage our marriage. Then one day I paid the cell bill online and found that she had been talking to another man everyday at least 3-4 times a day. While on her way to work, on her lunch break, and on her way home. When I asked her about the calls, she became disrespectful and stated he was just a friend. We are separated now and I am so confused. I love her, but I do not trust her. Should I work it out?
(USA) I have been married 22 yrs and known my husband another 3 yrs. We met young and married at 19 and 20. We have grown up together and have been best friends. We have had our ups and downs and seemed to weather most storms. Last year we had a fight and he said he wanted a divorce. The word came up a couple of other times in the past in an argument. I just always believed we’d get thru it. Now he wanted me out.
We have lived together once again during the separation. My husband has changed a lot, claiming I kept him from dreams and was negative. It hurts because I love him. He will not say he loves me. He says he’s hoping I get it. I’m not sure what it is. I have tried to reconcile, be kind, and encouraging realizing I was judgmental at times. At first he’s says there is no hope. He wants to be a rock star.
We have gone out about an average of once a week or more the past year. We have had sex consistently about the same. Both of us have agreed not to date or have sex with anyone else. For the most part we have a good time together. Our values have changed. We’ve always been a church going family and involved. Now I am the only one continuing to go. Our kids 16 and 18 are very confused because their dad has walked away from the church and the worship band to now be in a heavy metal band. They are very impressionable and love it.
I am very confused to continue to date my husband if he has no expectations of getting back. I’m afraid to stop because I love him. I tried once before for 3 weeks and he threatened to not see me any more and end it as soon as he has money because he sees that having sex and going out is trying in his eyes. He goes out a lot without me and always dresses nice, blow dries his hair and wears cologne. It’s like a middle age crisis to me. I’m confused if I’m doing the right thing.
Also it is confusing because of course if we are in an argument, he says we are separated, not married, and he looks at himself as single and going on with his own life. He says he wants me to go on with my life, so I am trying to be more independent and I have learned a lot.
On the other side, he will tell people when we are out sometimes that I’m his wife if he’s not liking someone else saying hi to me. He has introduced me as his wife to places he frequents now. I have been out with his band members. We have spent holidays, and birthdays together and have gotten respectful or flirty cards. The kids have chosen to be with him and it breaks my heart. We talk, but they are left alone a lot which frustrates me, because I know they have all that freedom and I’d be there more as a parent. He has spent the night here a few times and me there. It’s awkward sometimes, to go home. we cook and watch TV together occasionally too. What a mess. Any advice? Thanks
(USA) My husband has been having affairs. One day I ran across a text which devastated me. When I confronted my husband he said he was done 2 yrs. ago. We have been married 17 yrs. I tried everything to make things work, and we lasted up to 10 months.
It hasn’t been an easy ride; we tried to reconnect which we did somewhat but I couldn’t let go of the past. He then said he liked it when I let him do his own thing. I never suffocated him cuz I trusted him. Then finally I was moving along and found the woman’s number. He says I live in the past. I tell him that he "betrayed my trust". I wasn’t just hit with the affair but came to the realization that he was done and the only one that knew it.
There are a lot of circumstances to detail. I told him if he wanted to gain my trust, why did he talk to that person? Of course, she was just the topping on the cake when I found out. He also puts passwords on his phone and telephone bill and never tried to change that. Now we are separated; it was the best thing that could have happened. I lost sight of who I am and am trying to move on with my life. I don’t live in uncertainty but I don’t trust him. He tries to come back and forth to the house; and wants to see me. I told him we are separated and he’s not making it easy. He thinks he has to take care of me "although I have always been very independent" and have a job. He loves me and I love him, but he doesn’t communicate, avoids, and puts up a wall.
(AMERICA) Every one’s problems sound somewhat the same. Mine, however, is that I didn’t want to believe that the man that I have been married to for eighteen years would lie on me and abuse me verbally in front of people.
I have remained committed and true to him; I love him so much that I cant even think of going out. I have three children. One is seventeen the other is fifteen and my youngest eight. Some weeks ago the kids and I saw him with another woman. He goes to her job and waits for her to finish work and then he takes her home to our bed and sleeps all night and then takes her home in the morning.
All I have done in our marriage is support him. He made a lot of bad decisions and we lost every thing we worked for. He left me and the children and went to his parents home. He told them it was all my fault and they feel sorry for him, while I am renting a small apartment with the kids. We see him almost every day with the woman.
He does things with her that he never did in all of our years of marriage. I don’t even know where to go or what to do. I’ve forgotten how to smile. He blames me and I am innocent. Only God can save me. He is happy and I am still hoping he comes back home.
(USA) My wife of nearly thirty years left me 6 days ago. We did not communicate very well and she said she had been living a lie for the last 5 years telling me she loved me only to keep the peace, when she didn’t. She said in her dear john letter that she only cared for me. I’m in shock, she took out half of our stuff from the house and emptied out half of our life savings. I truly don’t care about the material stuff, I just want her back.
(UNITED STATES) Hi all. In the past three years my wife and I have gone through a really hellacious time. On several occasions, I’ve had Christian “friends” say some really obnoxious things to me regarding my worthiness as a husband and dad. Those things were neither appropriate nor were they biblical. Among those things said, was the suggestion that because I didn’t appreciate my family God was going to separate me from them for some indefinite period of time as a means of punishment.
Needless to say, neither I nor my wife fell for that. And as hard as it has been, we have recommitted ourselves to staying together and working hard to be what the Lord has called us to be according to His design for marriage.
Recently, I’ve had two pastors suggest a separation to facilitate healing between the two of us. What was incredibly disappointing about those suggestions was the complete absence of any other biblical counseling. Instead, it was this huge leap to separation.
I believe the Lord has given us all the counsel we need as husbands and wives to have healthy marriages. What He requires is faith manifested in obedience to those principles. He has promised us His power to live godly lives as husbands and wives as we do trust Him with our obedience.
In response to one of my two pastor friends’ suggestion, I said to him, “I will die before I betray my covenant with God and my wife.” “Til death do us part” is the standard He has set. He is more than able to give us the wherewithal to live that standard joyfully.
(UNITED STATES) Hi all, again… I’ve been reading some of your comments. First I want you to know how grieved I am for you. Second, I want you to know that I will try to pray for you.
Some thoughts.
First, I don’t fully understand where the church is in ministering to those of you who have gone through and are presently going through trials that are excruciatingly painful.
When my wife and I were going through our toughest moments, it became apparent to me that there was little unity among my Christian friends (including pastors) regarding how to appropriately respond to all we were going through. And, as I mentioned in my earlier comment, two of those pastors were more than willing to see us separate for the sake of peace in the home, than they were willing to partner with my wife and I to help us know and apply biblical truth as a remedy for our problems.
This is not only sad, but, as far as I am concerned, a dangerous contributor to the break up of Christian marriages. I see no middle ground on this. If Christian leaders are not competent to be God’s ministers in this issue by accurately and continuously bringing God’s word to bear on the problem, then, in my opinion, they become part of the problem. And my word to all of you is “beware.” And I would also say emphatically, spend time with the Lord in prayer and diligent study of His word to be able to evaluate whatever “help” you are being offered to make sure that it is truly of the Lord By way of reminder, for myself as well as for you, God is faithful. What seems impossible for us is more than possible for Him. Under no circumstances compromise when it comes to doing it God’s way as He has clearly spelled it out in His word.
Finally, and I feel a bit silly sharing this, and I apologize if this seems condescending, I don’t mean it to be (please excuse the obnoxiously long run on sentence), God is real. And He is not someone to be trifled with. Therefore, if you have spouses who are betraying their covenant with Him and you, I am left wondering where they are in really believing that He exists. All that to say, pray for them, trust the Lord for them and your situation. Despite all, walk uprightly before Him and He will honor you and bring blessing to your situation. His grace is more than sufficient for your need. And may that grace be more than evident in this moment.
(US) Hello all and God bless you! My husband after 19 yrs told me on Christmas Eve that he did not love me and did not want to be married. He said it was him and he wanted to live his life. I was devastated about this and just couldn’t say anything. He was relieved and happy that he told me this. I had been asking for some time was he having an affair. He always said no. But 4 mos prior to this he began to act strange. He was texting secretly on his phone; his clothes were disappearing, dressing up to go to work and arguing. His attitude completely changed.
I put him out of the home because of excessive seizures I was having that were caused by this action. I had suffered a brain aneurysm 2 yrs prior to this, in which now he tells me he felt obligated to stay. All of this has been devastating and very hurtful. He did have a girlfriend and now they are companions, even though we are separated. He has had 4 years to get over me and I am struggling with the letting go process. And we all know how hard it is to let go of something or someone we love so much.
I am a Christian and I too read rejoice ministries because it helps me get through the day. I too am a stander for All Things are Possible if we believe! Believe in God so that you may heal. Hey, I am trying to heal too because it has only been 6 mos now. There are times I just can’t seem to make it and I just want to give up but Jesus is always there. Only God knows the outcomes of our circumstances and He will take care of. He will not delay and his timing will be perfect!
None of us really have an answer to our problems. But what we all can do is pray for divine healing together. There is no “If it be your will God” so forth and so on. It is, “God’s Will Be Done”! He dries my tears away, helps me at work and I am trying to clean my heart. Cleaning my own heart, understanding my faults and learning how to forgive my husband will be my steps to Victory because I have Love. The love of Jesus Christ.
Ask yourselves, What Would Jesus Do? Remember it is not the man/woman; it is the evil that dwells within.
(UNITED STATES) I am on the other side of that question. I never dated when I was separated and would never date a separated man. Then one day a work, a fella started talking to me. I had seen him around but he would never speak to me. Come to find out he had just moved out of his family home. He told me that he and his wife had not been intimate for 3 years and that he waited to divorce her until the kids were gone. We were just friends. As time went on and we went on hikes together, he told me that he definately wasn’t going back to his wife. I was hesitant but believed him. At this time my relationship with God was not near as intimate as it had been. I listened to friends who condoned the relationship… I guess because I had found a good guy who would go to church with me.
To keep a long story short, he repeatedly started going back and forth about his marriage and now after 2 years of separation, he is back with her and my heart is deeply wounded. He would still contact me while he was trying to reconcile with her! Eventually, I stopped that by sending some email copies to his wife.
Come to find out being unfaithful is a common practice for him. He would promise the future and met my family; this was a true deception.
If I had truly sought God’s wisdom and word regarding this, I would not have ended up with so much hurt. God loves us so much more; if I had only trusted Him!
(USA) After asking my wife for a divorce 4 yrs. ago and living apart for months we somewhat got back together on and off, mostly because of family issues that made it necessary. In Jan. 2009 I left for good. It will never work, ever, it’s over. I feel like years of my life have been wasted. The marriage was loveless to begin with. I am legally separated and found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. She said I am still married even though legally separated and broke off the relationship. I know God wants us to be happy and I feel we were meant to be together. Is it a sin to fall in love while separated?
(S.AFRICA) Dear Billy, I am the wife living under circumstances such as you describe. My husband after 35 years of marriage has left me for someone he met on “face book”. We separated in September 2008 as he wanted time to be alone “and think”???? During this time he used his freedom to engage even further in his affair.
Your words “God wants me to be happy” ring such bells of warning. He now wants a divorce.Yes God does want you to be happy but with your WIFE. Have you really tried??Are you committed to your marriage as God intended? If you truly want to be happy go back to your wife and with God’s help MAKE it work. Yes it is a sin to fall in love with someone else while married (you still are). It is called Adultery. God help you to do the right thing and receive the blessings God has in store for you as Husband and Wife.
(UNITED STATES) Hello everyone my name is Raqual. God is good and all the time he is. I want to tell you that I dated while I was separated from my husband and divorced him, but God did something miraculous. He restored my marriage with my husband. I too told my husband everything that was done in the time of my dating.
It is not good to date while separated. You must refrain from that because of your vulnerability. I must admit at time it gets hard within our marriage but God is good and with Him all things are possible. I want to share a scripture with you. The scripture is 1 Corinthians 7:10. Please read it and understand what God is saying in regards to marriage and separation. It helped me a lot and God blessed me with that to share with you… Be blessed
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been in an abusive marriage for 25 years. It’s a year that I have come to terms with the truth and only a few months that I have told others. My spouse did not allow me that kind of freedom in our marriage. I want to leave but feel it’s unfair since I have invested so much just to give it all up and live alone…