“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication.
Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.
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(USA) Restore ministries only deals with wives standing. They closed down their ministry for husbands that are standing.
http://www.restorem.org/ "RMI is became a Women Only ministry on May 1, 2005. HOWEVER, we do have hope and help!
Click here for encouragement, to find out about a new men’s restoration ministry that is forming, and to read our FREE resources for men."
Really sad, since fewer wayward wives return than do husbands. Men really need support, and someone to fight against the false stereotypes that men are unfaithful and women are victims.
(USA) I have been with this woman for 14 years and September 28 made 3 yrs of marriage. I am 27 yrs old and she just turned 28. We have know been separated for about 4 months now. She has found here a new friend while we are separated and is bringing him to the house. We have 2 kids together. I moved out in July cause I found numbers on her phone bill so I called and it was the man that everybody had been telling me about. This is the same man that she’s bringing to the house. Should I go out and start dating and is this marriage over? Need help on the subject.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi all, I was just reading the comments, I am in separation too. My husband is on and off in my life. We have two boys. He just called me again last week and I don’t know what is he up to. But I just want to share these few words with you all. The Bible makes it clear that GOD hates divorce (Malachi 2:10-16). And Jesus explained this when the Pharisees asked him about the divorce (Matthew 19:1-12).
Firstly, I understand that in some cases we don’t have the control to make decisions. But one question you have to ask is, what does God want? The Bible says if you divorce, you are not allowed to get married while your husband is still alive. Would you rather sin than obey God’s law? If we are Christians, we are not to make decisions according to what we want but according to God.
I am 28 yrs. God gave me a husband but he left me. I don’t need another man because God himself said he hates divorce so then why would he allow me to divorce? If my marriage wasn’t meant to happen then that means I was not meant to have a man. He would rather that I have self-control. Again, if you are dating while in separation are you cheating what the Bible says about cheating? Again, if you are dating, will your partner understand that sex before marriage is against God?
I love you brothers and sisters but let us not let our heart desires drag us away from God’s law. When Jesus died for us it wasn’t easy but he didn’t say, “These people are stinging me, I wont die for them” because he made a promise to God and he wanted to do God’s will. It is the same as when you make vows to your spouse, you are making those vows to God, so now who is unfaithful to GOD?
Have you really ever asked God patiently why is all this happening in the world? Left and right, people are getting married and one year or one month later they are divorcing, why? This is all not from GOD. God bless you all.
(UNITED STATES) I was married to a man for 6 years, and have been separated for 3. He is not of the same faith as me, in fact he doesn’t believe at all. I married this man for all of the wrong reasons, mainly for our oldest son who was born out of wedlock. He has always been mentally and verbally abusive with a sharp tongue and very bad temper.
He cheated on me throughout our marriage and I finally reached my breaking point three years ago when he abandoned me and our three children to live with another woman. I am now seeking to find my spiritual closeness with God and would very much so like to walk with Jesus Christ.
A good friend of mine for two years now helped to bring me back to my faith and I love him and thank God for him. My problem is that we have totally fallen in love with each other. He is in my home state of Colorado and I am in Florida, but plan on moving back to Colorado the end of June.
Are we committing a sin? I absolutely do not want to be a part in making him sin, nor do I want to. We did happen to have a very intense sexual conversation that included masturbation on the telephone. I want for us to do the right thing, I have never felt a love for a man like this before, and I really believe in my heart that God has chosen us to be together. Please Help! God Bless!
(US) Hi, I am not to sure if my separation will have any type of reconciliation. We have been married 8 years and separated for 2 months now, at the beginning she was not giving either one of us space to think about how to make things right. Out of the blue she gave me a couple of days of no talking between us. In that time I found out what was important and finally figured out how to save my marriage. When I came back to her to start talking she said it was too late.
How can things change in a couple of days. Honestly, I turned into what she was at the beginning of our separation. She did start talking more to her friends and started going out. I mean I went to spend time with my friends too but I do not let them judge her or get in the way of my marriage.
Is she choosing them and this new freedom over me and our kids? Or is she talking to someone and they are filling her up with a gap that she missed with me, and she is stuck in the middle?
(USA) OK, so my wife and I decided we were getting divorced. So we went our separate ways. We also have a daughter. I ended up having sex with a girl while I was heavily intoxicated, whom I would have NEVER had sex with were I sober.
My wife asked me to come over and talk last night so I did, we decided to attempt to work things out and make things better. But I am SOOOO torn on the fact that I had sex with this girl. I don’t want to tell her because I am pretty sure she will leave me. And I want to be with her and don’t want to hurt her so badly!
I hate what I did, and the girl who did it, was sober, and she even apologized to me for doing that to me. I was sort of forced. I was drunk and would never have done it sober. I have decided to quit drinking.
I can’t decide whether I am going to tell my wife or not. I want to tell her because I don’t want her to find out later. But, I don’t want to tell her because I love her and want to be with her. I HATE MYSELF for allowing that girl to come to my party. It is probably the biggest regret of my life so far. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her, and I don’t know if she will stay or not.
(USA) Needless to say this only applies to couples who are in a "normal" divorce situation. I divorced my husband several years ago after about four years of marriage. I am SO GLAD TO THIS DAY that I dated during my separation from him. My ex-husband was an abusive and violent man who had repeatedly strangled me and threatened to kill me if I left him. He was controlling to the point of questioning me repeatedly about my normal method of using the restroom!
We tried the process of Christian reconciliation (after three years of my requesting it) but when I detailed even a few of my ex’s offenses against me to his pastor, I simply found myself abused even more. As soon as we had gotten off of the phone he accused me of "ruining his relationship with his pastor" and then tormented me until I quite literally had a nervous breakdown and just sat there screaming and screaming because I felt as if my very soul was about to die.
Other attempts at counseling resulted in either the same thing or else a total unwillingness of my ex-husband to participate beyond paranoid accusations against me. At the same time, he continued to go to the bars, to find new sexual conquests, and would return home drunk to the point of sickness and then tell me how I could never measure up to these new WOMEN in his life.
Throughout my ordeal I was entirely faithful, and prayed often that God would bring back the sweet and gentle man I had fallen in love with. In the end, however, I had to recognize that he never even existed. It had all been a deception on his part. His original reasons for marrying me, as it turned out, had nothing to do with love.
When he finally moved out, I found myself isolated, without friends, far from family, and the only person in my church divorce group who had come out of an abusive situation. Although they were sympathetic, I was the odd one out, because many of my problems were the complete opposite of theirs.
Careful dating, after taking a few months to just enjoy being alone, helped me remember that not every man is a deceitful and hurtful monster and that one day I could once again find someone to love me, to share my life with, and to finally start a family with. It kept me from getting "entrenched" by my fears.
I am hoping to remarry very soon, but I never would have gotten to this point if I had not taken those first early steps back into the wilderness. It truly did help me with my healing process which I can now say took a full five years to complete. Longer than my actual marriage even.
Sometimes there is no room for reconciliation. One spouse cannot do everything and one size does not fit all. I am lucky that I am even alive today and free from that monster who masqueraded as a "husband."
So judge not, because you never know the truth behind someone’s "happy" marriage. Abuse is seldom presented to the world.
(UNITED STATES) I am so sorry to hear your story, Rachel. It must be very difficult to read articles about keeping hope in a marriage and persevering through the good and bad times. As you know it is almost impossible to keep hope in situations where you are so confused and afraid. Someone you once shared such intimate moments with, turns out to be something incomprehensible.
My sister is now going through a separation and divorce. I agree with the above article in it’s warning against building a relationship when one is just coming to an end. It is interesting, however to think of how one can come to an end of a relationship, or what marks the end of a relationship. Does the end come with a signed, legal document? Or does the end come when the individual finds peace in knowing that this chapter of their life has ended and another can be begun? I do not believe that the signing of a legal document automatically makes one ready to move on, nor do I believe it prudent to hinder others process of moving on until documentation is in order.
I find the article callously, "one size fits all"-using the words of Rachel. I feel that this close minded view can be very dangerous to people living in abusive situations as Rachel wrote about from her experience. Telling women or men to stay connected to a person that is continually hurting them or keep hope alive for a reunion with someone that chronically mistreats them is insensitive and irresponsible. I appreciate the articles on this site about abuse and finding ways to cope, but I am very disappointed in this articles disregard for the individual’s unique experience around divorce issues.
(USA) I have been dating a man who is currently separated from his wife for 4 years. He constantly tells me that he is waiting for his lawyer to finalized the divorce but the time is slowly ticking away and no divorce is evident. If I don’t ask about the divorce then he won’t bring it up. I am tired of waiting for this man. I love him, but I am no fool. Please advise me.
(USA) Hi, My husband and I are going through a really tough time because I said some very horrible hurtful things to him when I was angry with him about his excessive habits (pornography, smoking, drinking, spending). Instead of holding my peace and praying for him, I decided to belittle him and tear away his-self esteem. Now I regret it greatly as he now says he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore and that he is not sure if he wants to be with me anymore. Deep inside I know that he is just hurt and that he does love me in spite of the hurt.
I feel really torn because the way things have gone lately, I feel like I have completely lost him. The fact is that during the course of our relationship, I have said and done some hurtful things to him and I have always apologized and asked him to forgive me, but this time it is different because now it feels as though he is trying to punish me. We just had a baby about 8 months ago and ever since the pregnancy/baby transition I have noticed that he is withdrawing from me more and more and it has even gotten to the point of us sleeping separately from one another. It is was a mutual decision but then I realized that is driving even more of a wedge between us.
Now we are at a point where divorce is a regular part of conversation between him and I. I am supposed to be the one who the believer in our relationship but right now since he is the unbeliever, I feel as though no matter what I say or do, he has no reverence for God and he is going to do what his flesh leads him to do. I have found myself feeling lonely and I have found myself reaching out to male friends.
I have made it clear to my husband that during this "separation" (which we still live in the same house and see each other everyday, but we do try to avoid each other as much as possible) period that it would be best not to date other people as it may cause problems if we decided to reconcile. I feel so wrong because the male friends I have chosen to spend time with are guys that I have known either just as long as I have known my husband or longer and I have made sure that there is NO physical attraction on my part to them.
I guess I feel guilty because I feel like I am doing something wrong, but I have never done anything remotely romantic and I try to make sure that I conduct myself in a upright manner (no excessive physical contact, intimate details, etc). I guess I am just looking for someone to talk to and to get a male perspective from. I almost feel like I am using my guy friends for their ear and I am afraid that they may be expecting more because my husband always tell me that with me men never want to be my friend because all they want from me is sex. I told him that men and women can have good friendship but he says he is a man and he knows how men work.
I don’t feel like I am dating but I have spent one on one time with my guys friends but I keep it very platonic. 95% of the time my husband knows but right now he is not really speaking to me so our conversation is very limited but if asked I would be 100% forthcoming about it. I don’t not find myself being emotionally drawn to these men in a romantic sense but I do find myself becoming a little more withdrawn from my husband and I do find myself caring less about trying to make our relationship work.
Honestly I feel since he does not care anymore and he swears he doesn’t love me anymore, he watches porno even more than before, he drink and smokes more than ever, I feel as though he hates me, why should I continue to be hurt and rejected by him? He yells at me when I speak to him even if it is just to say Hello. He never answers his phone when I call even if I need something for our daughter, he basically stays away from the house until it is time to go to bed.
I have been praying for him and our marriage but I feel like I am spinning my wheels because he just doesn’t want me and I feel like I need to just accept it and surround myself with those who enjoy my company (male or female) Am I wrong for doing this? I cannot tell if I am being a fool or not. I just don’t know what to think.