“Should I date while I am separated?” How many times have I heard that question? And, how many times have I given a hard answer? “If you are not free to marry, you are not free to date!” I first read that statement in Britton Wood’s book, Singles Want to Be the Church, Too. Mr. Wood has worked with singles and separated persons longer than anyone in his denomination.
After several years of counseling the separated, I am more convinced than ever that Britton Wood is right. When you start dating someone else while you are separated, you make reconciliation more difficult. The more you date, the muddier the water becomes.
I know that you have needs; you are lonely. Sometimes the load seems unbearable. I know that dating while separated is accepted, even encouraged, in our society. But most of those who are dating will never be reconciled. They will be divorced.
Dating is a prelude to remarriage, not therapy for reconciliation. Certainly you need friends. You need a listening ear. You need people who care and help bear the load, but the dating context is not the best place to find such help.
You are extremely vulnerable during these days of separation. Unfortunately there are those of the opposite sex who would like to take advantage of your vulnerability. Although pretending to be concerned about you, there are busy satisfying their own desires.
I have seen many men and women devastated by such an experience. Your own emotions are erratic, and it would be easy for you to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect, and warmth.
Have you noticed the number of people who get married the day after they are divorced? Obviously they have been dating during separation. If the separation period is a time to seek reconciliation, why spend energy in an activity that leads to divorce and remarriage? Separation is not tantamount to divorce. We are still married while we are separated, and we ought to so live, whether or not our spouse complies.
I know this is difficult to accept, but I believe the present trend of open dating immediately after separation must be deterred. Such activity encourages and contributes to the increasing divorce rate.
If you believe in the power of human choice, then you must concede that your estranged spouse may well turn from his or her estrangement and seek reconciliation. You want to be prepared for that day if it comes. Dating someone else in not the way to be prepared. Develop friends, but refuse romantic involvement until the fate of your marriage is determined.
The above article comes from the book, Hope for the Separated— Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed, by Dr Gary Chapman, published by Moody Publishers. This book deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication.
Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. The ultimate value comes not in reading but in applying truth. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife.
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(USA) Kristen, I am going thru the same thing with my wife. We have been together 17 years and married for 13. We have two boys. She actually had bypass surgery 3 years ago, and has changed tremendously. She became very distant in our marriage and began being very disrespectful. After awhile, I asked her if she wanted to be in this marriage anymore and she could not answer.
Well after 2 days she told me she was not in love with me anymore. We had just renewed our 10 year wedding vows 7 months earlier. She said she did not know why she was not but she needed space. Well 2 months went by and there was a lot of arguing and disrespect coming from her. I stayed around trying to salvage our marriage. Then one day I paid the cell bill online and found that she had been talking to another man everyday at least 3-4 times a day. While on her way to work, on her lunch break, and on her way home. When I asked her about the calls, she became disrespectful and stated he was just a friend. We are separated now and I am so confused. I love her, but I do not trust her. Should I work it out?
(USA) I have been married 22 yrs and known my husband another 3 yrs. We met young and married at 19 and 20. We have grown up together and have been best friends. We have had our ups and downs and seemed to weather most storms. Last year we had a fight and he said he wanted a divorce. The word came up a couple of other times in the past in an argument. I just always believed we’d get thru it. Now he wanted me out.
We have lived together once again during the separation. My husband has changed a lot, claiming I kept him from dreams and was negative. It hurts because I love him. He will not say he loves me. He says he’s hoping I get it. I’m not sure what it is. I have tried to reconcile, be kind, and encouraging realizing I was judgmental at times. At first he’s says there is no hope. He wants to be a rock star.
We have gone out about an average of once a week or more the past year. We have had sex consistently about the same. Both of us have agreed not to date or have sex with anyone else. For the most part we have a good time together. Our values have changed. We’ve always been a church going family and involved. Now I am the only one continuing to go. Our kids 16 and 18 are very confused because their dad has walked away from the church and the worship band to now be in a heavy metal band. They are very impressionable and love it.
I am very confused to continue to date my husband if he has no expectations of getting back. I’m afraid to stop because I love him. I tried once before for 3 weeks and he threatened to not see me any more and end it as soon as he has money because he sees that having sex and going out is trying in his eyes. He goes out a lot without me and always dresses nice, blow dries his hair and wears cologne. It’s like a middle age crisis to me. I’m confused if I’m doing the right thing.
Also it is confusing because of course if we are in an argument, he says we are separated, not married, and he looks at himself as single and going on with his own life. He says he wants me to go on with my life, so I am trying to be more independent and I have learned a lot.
On the other side, he will tell people when we are out sometimes that I’m his wife if he’s not liking someone else saying hi to me. He has introduced me as his wife to places he frequents now. I have been out with his band members. We have spent holidays, and birthdays together and have gotten respectful or flirty cards. The kids have chosen to be with him and it breaks my heart. We talk, but they are left alone a lot which frustrates me, because I know they have all that freedom and I’d be there more as a parent. He has spent the night here a few times and me there. It’s awkward sometimes, to go home. we cook and watch TV together occasionally too. What a mess. Any advice? Thanks
(USA) My husband has been having affairs. One day I ran across a text which devastated me. When I confronted my husband he said he was done 2 yrs. ago. We have been married 17 yrs. I tried everything to make things work, and we lasted up to 10 months.
It hasn’t been an easy ride; we tried to reconnect which we did somewhat but I couldn’t let go of the past. He then said he liked it when I let him do his own thing. I never suffocated him cuz I trusted him. Then finally I was moving along and found the woman’s number. He says I live in the past. I tell him that he "betrayed my trust". I wasn’t just hit with the affair but came to the realization that he was done and the only one that knew it.
There are a lot of circumstances to detail. I told him if he wanted to gain my trust, why did he talk to that person? Of course, she was just the topping on the cake when I found out. He also puts passwords on his phone and telephone bill and never tried to change that. Now we are separated; it was the best thing that could have happened. I lost sight of who I am and am trying to move on with my life. I don’t live in uncertainty but I don’t trust him. He tries to come back and forth to the house; and wants to see me. I told him we are separated and he’s not making it easy. He thinks he has to take care of me "although I have always been very independent" and have a job. He loves me and I love him, but he doesn’t communicate, avoids, and puts up a wall.
(AMERICA) Every one’s problems sound somewhat the same. Mine, however, is that I didn’t want to believe that the man that I have been married to for eighteen years would lie on me and abuse me verbally in front of people.
I have remained committed and true to him; I love him so much that I cant even think of going out. I have three children. One is seventeen the other is fifteen and my youngest eight. Some weeks ago the kids and I saw him with another woman. He goes to her job and waits for her to finish work and then he takes her home to our bed and sleeps all night and then takes her home in the morning.
All I have done in our marriage is support him. He made a lot of bad decisions and we lost every thing we worked for. He left me and the children and went to his parents home. He told them it was all my fault and they feel sorry for him, while I am renting a small apartment with the kids. We see him almost every day with the woman.
He does things with her that he never did in all of our years of marriage. I don’t even know where to go or what to do. I’ve forgotten how to smile. He blames me and I am innocent. Only God can save me. He is happy and I am still hoping he comes back home.
(USA) My wife of nearly thirty years left me 6 days ago. We did not communicate very well and she said she had been living a lie for the last 5 years telling me she loved me only to keep the peace, when she didn’t. She said in her dear john letter that she only cared for me. I’m in shock, she took out half of our stuff from the house and emptied out half of our life savings. I truly don’t care about the material stuff, I just want her back.
(UNITED STATES) Hi all. In the past three years my wife and I have gone through a really hellacious time. On several occasions, I’ve had Christian “friends” say some really obnoxious things to me regarding my worthiness as a husband and dad. Those things were neither appropriate nor were they biblical. Among those things said, was the suggestion that because I didn’t appreciate my family God was going to separate me from them for some indefinite period of time as a means of punishment.
Needless to say, neither I nor my wife fell for that. And as hard as it has been, we have recommitted ourselves to staying together and working hard to be what the Lord has called us to be according to His design for marriage.
Recently, I’ve had two pastors suggest a separation to facilitate healing between the two of us. What was incredibly disappointing about those suggestions was the complete absence of any other biblical counseling. Instead, it was this huge leap to separation.
I believe the Lord has given us all the counsel we need as husbands and wives to have healthy marriages. What He requires is faith manifested in obedience to those principles. He has promised us His power to live godly lives as husbands and wives as we do trust Him with our obedience.
In response to one of my two pastor friends’ suggestion, I said to him, “I will die before I betray my covenant with God and my wife.” “Til death do us part” is the standard He has set. He is more than able to give us the wherewithal to live that standard joyfully.
(UNITED STATES) Hi all, again… I’ve been reading some of your comments. First I want you to know how grieved I am for you. Second, I want you to know that I will try to pray for you.
Some thoughts.
First, I don’t fully understand where the church is in ministering to those of you who have gone through and are presently going through trials that are excruciatingly painful.
When my wife and I were going through our toughest moments, it became apparent to me that there was little unity among my Christian friends (including pastors) regarding how to appropriately respond to all we were going through. And, as I mentioned in my earlier comment, two of those pastors were more than willing to see us separate for the sake of peace in the home, than they were willing to partner with my wife and I to help us know and apply biblical truth as a remedy for our problems.
This is not only sad, but, as far as I am concerned, a dangerous contributor to the break up of Christian marriages. I see no middle ground on this. If Christian leaders are not competent to be God’s ministers in this issue by accurately and continuously bringing God’s word to bear on the problem, then, in my opinion, they become part of the problem. And my word to all of you is “beware.” And I would also say emphatically, spend time with the Lord in prayer and diligent study of His word to be able to evaluate whatever “help” you are being offered to make sure that it is truly of the Lord By way of reminder, for myself as well as for you, God is faithful. What seems impossible for us is more than possible for Him. Under no circumstances compromise when it comes to doing it God’s way as He has clearly spelled it out in His word.
Finally, and I feel a bit silly sharing this, and I apologize if this seems condescending, I don’t mean it to be (please excuse the obnoxiously long run on sentence), God is real. And He is not someone to be trifled with. Therefore, if you have spouses who are betraying their covenant with Him and you, I am left wondering where they are in really believing that He exists. All that to say, pray for them, trust the Lord for them and your situation. Despite all, walk uprightly before Him and He will honor you and bring blessing to your situation. His grace is more than sufficient for your need. And may that grace be more than evident in this moment.
(US) Hello all and God bless you! My husband after 19 yrs told me on Christmas Eve that he did not love me and did not want to be married. He said it was him and he wanted to live his life. I was devastated about this and just couldn’t say anything. He was relieved and happy that he told me this. I had been asking for some time was he having an affair. He always said no. But 4 mos prior to this he began to act strange. He was texting secretly on his phone; his clothes were disappearing, dressing up to go to work and arguing. His attitude completely changed.
I put him out of the home because of excessive seizures I was having that were caused by this action. I had suffered a brain aneurysm 2 yrs prior to this, in which now he tells me he felt obligated to stay. All of this has been devastating and very hurtful. He did have a girlfriend and now they are companions, even though we are separated. He has had 4 years to get over me and I am struggling with the letting go process. And we all know how hard it is to let go of something or someone we love so much.
I am a Christian and I too read rejoice ministries because it helps me get through the day. I too am a stander for All Things are Possible if we believe! Believe in God so that you may heal. Hey, I am trying to heal too because it has only been 6 mos now. There are times I just can’t seem to make it and I just want to give up but Jesus is always there. Only God knows the outcomes of our circumstances and He will take care of. He will not delay and his timing will be perfect!
None of us really have an answer to our problems. But what we all can do is pray for divine healing together. There is no “If it be your will God” so forth and so on. It is, “God’s Will Be Done”! He dries my tears away, helps me at work and I am trying to clean my heart. Cleaning my own heart, understanding my faults and learning how to forgive my husband will be my steps to Victory because I have Love. The love of Jesus Christ.
Ask yourselves, What Would Jesus Do? Remember it is not the man/woman; it is the evil that dwells within.
(UNITED STATES) I am on the other side of that question. I never dated when I was separated and would never date a separated man. Then one day a work, a fella started talking to me. I had seen him around but he would never speak to me. Come to find out he had just moved out of his family home. He told me that he and his wife had not been intimate for 3 years and that he waited to divorce her until the kids were gone. We were just friends. As time went on and we went on hikes together, he told me that he definately wasn’t going back to his wife. I was hesitant but believed him. At this time my relationship with God was not near as intimate as it had been. I listened to friends who condoned the relationship… I guess because I had found a good guy who would go to church with me.
To keep a long story short, he repeatedly started going back and forth about his marriage and now after 2 years of separation, he is back with her and my heart is deeply wounded. He would still contact me while he was trying to reconcile with her! Eventually, I stopped that by sending some email copies to his wife.
Come to find out being unfaithful is a common practice for him. He would promise the future and met my family; this was a true deception.
If I had truly sought God’s wisdom and word regarding this, I would not have ended up with so much hurt. God loves us so much more; if I had only trusted Him!
(USA) After asking my wife for a divorce 4 yrs. ago and living apart for months we somewhat got back together on and off, mostly because of family issues that made it necessary. In Jan. 2009 I left for good. It will never work, ever, it’s over. I feel like years of my life have been wasted. The marriage was loveless to begin with. I am legally separated and found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. She said I am still married even though legally separated and broke off the relationship. I know God wants us to be happy and I feel we were meant to be together. Is it a sin to fall in love while separated?