Even with the joy of Christmas, most of us know (and have experienced) the stress that comes along with this season of the year. The Christmas song says, “‘Tis the season to be jolly,” but it’s also the season where we put a lot of unnecessary stresses onto our lives (which make us anything but “jolly”). The first Christmas may have had a “Silent Night” but we don’t see too many of those during these modern days of Christmas giving and “cheer.”

Unfortunately, we’re told by psychologists that the holiday season holds the most stressful times for most people because of unmet expectations, unforeseeable tragedies, and the strain of having people come together who probably shouldn’t be together. What a sad testimony for a season that should be filled with celebration because of the birth of our savior Jesus Christ!

So to help your family have a “Merry Christmas” and a more peaceful “New Year” we’d like to share with you an article we found on the web site www.successfulstepfamilies.com which we found to be helpful. This web site ministers to the needs of step families but most of the principles can also be applicable to all of us who have families who get together at Christmas. Read it and see what you can use in your family situation.

The article is titled: Soothing Holiday Stresses and is written by Jean McBride, M.S., LMFT, from the Center for Divorce and Remarriage, Inc. She writes:

Holidays can be particularly stressful for divorced families. Expectations of family get-togethers when you no longer feel like a family, hectic schedules and visitation agreements, school and religious events where you are likely to come face to face with the other parent all contribute to STRESS. Adults feel overwhelmed and exhausted while children feel like the turkey wishbone, pulled between parents.

Here are some simple things you can do right away to minimize the stress you may be feeling and reorient yourself to a holiday season that is more like you’d like it to be.

For Your Children:

•  Put the kids first. Think about what they need for this holiday to be a good one for them. I’m not talking about things but rather the quality of the time you are with them. For example, children do best with consistency. Try to keep parenting schedules the same. When that isn’t possible, prepare your children ahead of time. Help them know what to expect.

•  Don’t make rules about where gifts must be kept or played with. Put yourself in your children’s shoes. Would you like it if you received a gift that you loved, only to be told you must leave it behind when you move from one house to another? Give your gifts with no strings attached.

•  Keep your children out of the middle. No matter what!

•  Stay out of the “competition game” with the other parent.

•  Help your children make or select gifts for their other parent. By doing this you model thoughtful, generous behavior. If you cannot participate in this experience, find another adult who is in a more neutral position, to help.

•  Allow children to discuss past holidays if the subject arises. Children’s memories are not subject to divorce.

•  When grandparents and other extended family have been part of your children’s world, keep them involved during the holidays.

•  Reassure your children through your words and actions that everything is going to be OK. No guilt trips when they are scheduled to spend time with the other parent.

•  The two best gifts you can give your children are your loving attention and the opportunity and freedom to love their other parent.

For Adults:

•  Take good care of yourself. This is said so often it is almost worn out. The fact is, it is still important. Keep the old standbys in mind: eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, limit caffeine and alcohol, and remember to laugh.

•  Get extra support. Enlist the help of friends and family. Join a support group or schedule a meeting or two with a therapist if you’re having a hard time.

•  Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Holidays can be tough when you are newly separated or divorced. Stuffing feelings doesn’t make them go away. Learn to identify your feelings and then deal with them. The only stuffing we want this holiday season is in the turkey!

•  Make plans for yourself if you’re going to be without your children for the holidays. For most people it helps to be with other people. Think about what you need and then make it happen. Don’t be a victim.

•  Blend the old ways with new traditions. This may be the year to take a holiday ski trip or go to the beach.

•  Avoid the trap of spending money on your children as a way to buy their love. Set a budget for gifts and stick to it.

•  Focus on your children and what they need to have a meaningful holiday.

In all of this let’s remember what the “reason for the season” is all about. Even though there is speculation as to the dates of Christ’s birth and how this season started to be celebrated as a national holiday, let’s focus on celebrating the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ, instead of focusing on the offensive behavior of others. We should strive to be part of the solution instead of being part of the problem.

As it says in Hebrews 12:14, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” That is our prayer for you— that you will find a way to make peace with those around you TO THE GLORY OF GOD! What a wonderful Christmas present that would be for Jesus to experience — true peace in your little section of the world— your home!

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)