After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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Being betrayed by someone you thought you could trust only to find out they were using you for their own hidden agenda, is hard to heal from.
(USA) I find myself reading everything about infidelity; from forgiveness to grief to divorce. Our marriage of 19 yrs had problems but I always trusted my husband; he was the head of the family. I discovered just before Christmas that he was having an affair with someone young enough to be our daughter. I found out quite by accident and evidence shows she had broken it off – whether or not it still is, is unknown.
We separated for a few months but are trying to reconcile; marriage counseling… I want to trust; I want to move on. I want what happened never to have happened. with the Internet I was able to find out who she is- I think this messed with my head even more; I know what she looks like, what her body looks like. I am a pretty good looking woman and in nice shape for my age but no comparision to someone half my age. The pain is just unbearable at times. I feel so weak for still wanting this marriage-for this wanting this man. He is the one who says he wants this marriage. He is the one to arranged for counseling; it is me who is so screwed up. And every day I second guess things he does – wondering if it’s truth. How long will this go on?
(USA) Carolyn, Don’t sweat it – if husband leaves for physical attributes, let him leave. Don’t try to convince him he is doing wrong. Go to the couselling sesions. I’m getting read to go into counselling and will have a couple of dozen relationship killers documented. You should do the same, with the affair being either the top one or in the top five.
Counselling sesions are intended to get you on the correct track, so if he doesn’t take it serious all you cna do is let it go. Just remember, you didn’t do nothing wrong – he did.
(USA) Hi Carolyn, Lots of well-meaning people tell you things like “you did nothing wrong” and to let the other person go if they leave -you would be “better off.” Some of these things have truth to them, but they don’t really help you. I know because I’m in a marriage of eleven years that has been marked by betrayal, emotional abuse, and repeated rejection and restoration.
What I’ve realized is that there is little you can do to “fix” yourself except to face the pain and loss honestly, the “whole truth,” which includes any sin you might contribute. That doesn’t mean anything you did made your husband cheat, but we all have sinful contributions to marriages, and when we are betrayed, we often continue to damage things by living dead, constantly seeking self-protection or trying to numb ourselves out rather than moving out of ourselves and loving.
Things like contempt for the other person and contempt for ourselves is normal, though not good. We feel marked, worthless, like we are in a sub-species of humanity. I’ve noticed that anxiety around people, my fear of abandonment, my internal anger, and my drive to put on a nice, optimistic facade have all gone up exponentially since the last betrayal and near-divorce a few years ago.
I feel for you. I wish there was an answer, a silver-bullet. Just beware of letting suspicion/mistrust and rage/bitterness overtake you. How? Again, I wish I knew. I only know that the pain must be felt and acknowledged, not minimized in the slightest. The loss must be embraced and embraced with God. The betrayer cannot restore what was taken from you -the loss of dignity, the shame, the sense of being “marked”, the worthlessnes, the hatred of your own desires (“If I could just not want a spouse, not want to be loved, then I would be fixed”), etc. Only God can restore that. I’m on the same path with you.
You might want to check out The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. It doesn’t deal specifically with this issue, but the basic things in the book deal with abuse and betrayal in general. You will see yourself in it, no doubt. I do.
(UNITED STATES) Thank you for taking the time to share & put into words all the grief, pain & loss that I still feel after my discovery…
(UK) Hello, Today I’ve found myself in a similar situation and although I am not married I feel so much pain and grief inside it’s sometimes difficult to breath. I have been in a relationship with a guy for a 1.5 yrs. We live together and I am so much in love with him. I knew about a girl he met last year during summer when we split up for a minute. He denied betrayal and told me a well-planned story that they only met for few drinks, he showed her a city and walked back home. He mentioned that he kissed her but that was all.
Today, after a year, he confessed that he had sex with her and I feel sooo disappointed and betrayed. I can’t believe he was lying all this time and I cannot imagine a continuation of this relationship.
(USA) Hi Aneta – I can relate to your story. I am living with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and about 8 months ago he told me he had cheated on me with his ex wife a year previous to me finding out. It was the lies that led up to the event and the entire year after of lying that I can’t get past. There aren’t any children and no permanent commitments to hold on to. Yet, I am still here, angry, hurt, depressed. I can’t leave. He has a child with his ex so this means he is still in constant contact with whom he slept with.
I couldn’t live without him at first. Now, the resentment has run so deep and anger still so real, I’m not sure this will last. It’s very hard. I have since sought therapy for myself. The happiness has to be found within. No one else, our partners, will ever make us happy until we find that happiness within ourselves again. I hope things have worked out in your best interest and you were able to move forward in your relationship. It is tough and a process that no one knows how to deal with until it happens to them.
(US) I agree, and when it happens and you have kids, it’s worse. You are left between a rock and a hard place, can’t stay, but can’t go either. People either look at you like a fool because you are still there, or beg you stay "for the kids." I’m not the one that commited the adultery, yet it seems I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences, I have to stay. There are simply far to many people to let down if I go. Even though right now that seems like a decision between happiness and unending hurting.
(SWEDEN) That is exactly how I feel.
(NIGERIA) JESS, I SHARE IN YOUR PAIN. I PRAY GOD HEALS YOU OF ALL THE PAIN. ITS REALLY NOT EASY.
(US) It has been ten months since the divorce, betrayal. I thought I was over it. I thought we could be friends. But it’s impossible. The damage is too great and the lies too thick and deep to look past. He never came clean w/details and is still seeing her although wants me in his life "cannot live w/o me" It’s nothing short of torture and he probably has no clue how much damage he has done–to himself, to all our memories together, and to me. It’s nothing short of tragic. I just want to get over the pain and rage. I want to be happy again and not feel so empty and lost and forgotten.
Dear Leigh, I can only imagine the enormous pain this must be bringing into your heart and countenance. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I want you to know that I admire you for the intent of your heart — to want to remain friends. That would be the Lord’s heart because we serve a God of reconciliation. But friendship and reconciliation is something that is reciprocal. It takes two committed people to make it work in the way it should. It’s difficult to conduct yourselves as friends when the other person continues to stab you in your heart. Eventually that kind of “friendship” will destroy you.
If your former husband truly “can’t live without you” then he has a choice to make. Either he lives his life in such a faithful way that he isn’t continuing to hurt your heart, or he lives in his destructive ways apart from being able to be in your life as on-going friends. You may have to stay away from him for a period of time until he finally wises up and turns away from this life style, or you may have to stay away from being his “friend” permanently because he is a toxic person to be around. The choice will be made by his ACTIONS — not merely his words.
I don’t blame you for wanting to “be happy again” and not to feel so empty and lost and forgotten. I encourage you to keep reaching out for it in healthy ways. Keep in mind that you have suffered a HUGE injury — much like an amputation. The other half of you (your spouse) tore himself away from you. When that happens, you will tragically suffer from the severity of such an injury. That is the painful reality of this horrible type of betrayal. But as time goes on (10 months may seem like an eternity, but in reality, it isn’t very long, given the type of injury you have suffered), as you keep reaching for healthy ways which will aid in the healing process, you will eventually find a new normal and will find yourself enjoying life as God blesses you in your faithfulness. We know a multitude of people that have found this to be true.
You will never be the same again, but prayerfully as you reach out to God to help you to rebuild a life that is healthy and embraced by Truth and faithfulness, you will experience a new joy and fulfillment which you never imagined to be possible. We’ve seen this repeatedly. I pray this for you and pray for only the best for you!
(ENGLAND) Cindy, Your words for Leigh have really encouraged me too. Thanks you so much. Your description of the pain like amputation is so true, as I believe when you marry you become one flesh. My husband was having an affair for a year before I found out, and then has continued to see her during the past year whilst telling me it was over or that he wanted to get back together (on and off). I feel like I have had my heart broken so completely and repeatedly that there’s nothing left of it! My pain is for my lonliness, emptiness, broken dreams and the agony of being lied to and deceived among many other feelings.
I also feel a sadness for the girl he is with, who he has also lied to, and for him – as well as intense anger. I don’t know how this can be, but I still love him so much and care for him because he is damaged too. Thank goodness we have a God who will NEVER leave us, never cheat, never lie, never destroy our hearts. Thank you for your encouragement that there is hope in His blessings for the future.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I can fully understand this pain. My now ex husband was the infidel and I got all the blame. But I felt the tables were turned. I was willing to retry (despite what I always said I would do in the case of infidelity), yet it seemed he had the power because he initiated the divorce. It has been nine months since my life was turned upside down and one month since the divorce was finalized. Sometimes I feel I am caught in a nightmare. I have many unanswered questions– I don’t get any of this.
(USA) This article as a whole is VERY good. I would like to make a comment on the statement that grieving an affair is similar to grieving death. As some one who has experienced both, the two are very different. In grieving an affair the spouse who grieves is typically grieving alone. There is no support network from close family & friends that come with a death. There is no funeral to bury the affair. Betrayed spouses are advised to keep information to a bare minimum, when death is shared by all. This "silent suffering" through betrayal makes all the difference in the world, and is enough not to compare the two, except for that fact that we grieve.
(US) The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
SHE and HER??? How about HE and His?
(USA) I couldn’t agree more with the “He and His” comment… this article seems very good and I hope that I can get something from it… but obviously it was written by a woman who believes that 99.99% of the pathetic betrayers (I would love to use a stonger expletive, but since seems to be a Christian site…) are men…WRONG. The pain is perhaps worse for a man… men do stupid things for sex… women do it for deeper reasons… Regardless, it hurts.
No matter what your gender, you cannot imagine the pain if you haven’t been there. Anyway, stop with the “he” and “she” stuff… As I look for comfort on this site or in a book, you have no idea the additional pain and insult when you address women as the only victims… thanks.
(UNITED STATES) I understand what you are saying about the “He ” thing… I guess it is just because generally it is more men that cheat than woman? Statistically speaking? I think you are right about saying that affairs are different for men and women. The men typically go for the sex, and women the emotional and sensitive thing… I am not saying that women don’t want or go after sex in an affair, but the desire is usually built up after much emotional “attaction and closeness…”
Then comes the sex. It is even hard for me to type this, do to it bringing up the current affair that my husband had on me…The pain is indescribable. It is so hard to put it into words. It is more like a horrible portfolio of gut-wrenching, horrrid pictures engraved in my mind… He gave HER everything that he was supposed to give to me… He treated me so bad for the entire 3 years of this nasty affair… I could feel that something was wrong, but when I tried to talk to him about ANYTHING, he would say that I was crazy, Bi-Polar, jealous, etc…. He was, and still is angry at me because his bimbo didn’t want him for anything other than drugs… That’s what I feel anyway.
This man does not work. He goes to the YMCA, and patrols the beach on his bike, bar hops, etc,. But cannot go to work? He is very lazy. Wants handouts. Thinks the STATE owes him a living… If I thought the affair hurt… WOW! When I confronted him with this, he blamed ME!!! He justifies all of it… Said I deserved everything I got! He is a severe alcoholic. I do believe that he is narcissitic also. He fits the definition. It has been, and always will be about HIM… What he wants to watch on tv, what he wants to eat… the list goes on.
I got him a necklace for Christmas last year. It was nice. Gold link chain…I don’t have much money, but I did what I could. Besides, isn’t it the thought that counts? If you love someone, then you shouldn’t care about the cost. Right? Wrong! Not for him… He took it to the jewelers to have a different clasp put on it (the kind he likes). He then said to me. “Did you know that that necklace is only 14 kt gld plated? He also pawned two off the rings I had bought him. One was his wedding ring… He said, oh well, it wasn’t worth that much anyway!
Remember how Delilah had betrayed Samson so many times, until he finally told her what would take away his strength? How could he have been that naive? Why would he continue to listen and believe her? She lied to him so many times, and she continued to betray him repeatedly… What was wrong with him? Could he not SEE what she was doing? Then, I looked at my situation… WOW!!! What a remarkable resemblance!
I kept doing the same thing over and again (definition of insanity) and expecting different results… I think that we can only give people so many chances, and then set them free. They are set in their ways and will only continue to hurt you. Sometimes, by the things that he would do and say to me, I think that he actually got some kind of satisfaction when he seen me in pain… I am diligent. I try to be productive, and he is the complete opposite…
This other woman was brought to OUR home by another black man in town, and I KNEW the moment he looked at her, that he was going to sleep with her! I was so right. He found her sexually attractive, and they were both into drugs… So why not, right? He didn’t care about me at all… She told me that. She told me everthing… He denied things until he no longer could… Then he said that he repented to GOD. That was great…God said go, and sin NO MORE!
He called her twice after that! He said it was for weed!!! For someone else!!! I said, “I don’t care if it was for a Snickers Bar, you have NO right to continue this!” He wants his cake and eat it too. I will NOT share my husband with ANYONE… He can be singe if that is what he wants… I can’t live with a Narcissist… It is way to hard… Sorry this was so long. I had to get that off my chest… This hurts so bad…. Like he died, but I cannot bury him!!!
If I do not forgive them both, it is like drinking poison, and hoping the other people will die…. Just because you forgive someone, you are NOT saying that what they did was right, or that you will decide to stay with them, or that this will not haunt you… It will forever. I hope to learn much from this painful experience. I do not forsee myself in another relationship for a LONG time, if ever. That is how much this destroyed me. We were supposed to grow old together… He was my best friend, or so I thought… I will trust in God, and try my best to get through this… “This too shall pass….” Thanks for listening to my sad story… Regina
(USA) Regina, Statistically speaking, every man who is having an affair is having one with a woman. Therefore, men and women cheat in equal numbers.
One cannot say men are more unfaithful than women as long as there are women who are willing to engage in affairs with those men. Some my try weak rationalizations that those women may not be married. The bottom line is those women KNOW the man they are sleeping with is NOT their husband. Therefore, even if they don’t know he’s married, (which is unlikely) they have to be 100% knowledgeable that that man is not HER husband. If she sleeps with him knowing this, she is just as much a cheat as is the unfaithful husband.
Let’s not forget that 2/3rds to 3/4s of all divorces are filed by women, not men. Dr Willard Harley has been mentioned here, and in his counsels, few of those women are divorcing unfaithful men.
So can you really hang your hat on the lie that women are more faithful than men? Do you really believe the lie that men cheat more than women? I don’t. They may cheat in DIFFERENT ways. But the wife who abandons a faithful husband just because she doesn’t “FEEL” loved or cherished is just as unfaithful as a husband who has sex with another woman.
Sorry, I don’t buy the lie that women are more faithful than men. They may cheat in different ways, but cheating is not a gender issue, it’s a character issue. Scripture is clear that ALL are sinners. Not just men, not just women, but all.
So to say one is more sinful than another is simply parroting a lie from Hell.
(USA) I feel your pain… but what does a man, specifically a black man, have to do with bringing the bimbo into your town? Work on your self esteem and your racial prejudices.
(USA) Yes even the He and His, such as myself, never believed I could feel such betrayal and hurt. I had always said I would divorce my wife if infidelity ever occured but then when reality hits you never realize how much you love someone. And then there are the kids and there you are left alone with the pain that no person should ever have to experience in life.
I feel alone. As a man you can’t talk to anyone because it destroys what is left in you as a man to tell someone else that the affair killed most of me inside. As a man and I feel numb and yet never stop hurting. My wife says it was a mistake a one time thing but she was talking to others, looking to do it again, so it obviously this means I am not what she needs. She says she is sorry and that she loves me and would never do it again. But it appears that she is not hurt at all about what she did to me or to our marriage.
I literally worshipped the ground she walked on for 16 years and put God first in our life but the pain is just as real as it is shocking. I am at a loss for words and don’t know what to ask anymore and don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to run away as far as I can and I would, but it would still hurt. So I just don’t know what to do but sit and cry or throw fits of rage at times.
I have to be careful because I didn’t tell our teenage daughter. I would not want to see her hurt this way too and don’t want to hurt her relatioship with her mom. So it is hard to act normal and hide when the pain is too much. I have no place to vent my anger and it is killing me inside. I have started to hate life and everything about it and have thought of doing things that I know I shouldn’t think of but I need some type of escape from the pain. At times checking out seems to be the only answer. Of course I know it isn’t so I just sit and cry some more. If people could just see what they are doing to the ones they love, surely they would never do this to anyone –not even an enemy deserves this type of pain.
(USA) Hi DH- I feel your pain too. The stabs of betrayal takes your breath away every moment of every day. My GODLY husband has been cheating on me since 2008. We’ve been separated in different states for 9 months trying to own our part in the fall of our marriage. He is still denying it, but my 4 year old told me about her daddy’s “secret friend” after she spent Christmas with him. I hurt so bad. I don’t want him back after the lies. His first cheated on him, and it is so hard to believe he has become what he despised.
I know that God has a special man who will love me and my child and not cheat. My pastor said that those who cheat have something within them to do so. It was nothing that I did or didn’t do. This is not your fault. Were you the perfect husband? No, don’t fool yourself; I wasn’t the perfect wife. But I know I cherished our vows through the good and the bad. Please vent… don’t hold it in.
(UK) Thank goodness for this comment, Her, she. These statements always assume that it is a man that has been unfaithful. Feminism has gone too far; they can have it.
Well, here I stand after 33 years with a partner who now betrays me and then says ‘I’m still here’. I didn’t leave.
Well I tell you, women are far more calculating and cruel than any man. I had a very high opinion of the female sex. I adored them, worshiped their sex, but this shows me what they are like.
If it is just men, who are they having affairs with? Women are treacherous. You can travel the world and work yourself into the ground for the family, give them a good life then be accused of neglect.
Do me a favour, committing adultery is not a wake up call, it’s a stab in the back. Well now she is in UK and I’m in Switzerland as I need MY SPACE.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Cheating is wrong regardless if it is the husband or wife cheating. I can say that I’ve been a faithful wife for 31 years. My husband has cheated on me and although I have no concrete evidence, I know that he has. Recently, he signed up on FaceBook. He is making comments that are misleading and has posted his phone number on the site. He became upset when I posted on his Facebook wall and deleted my comment. When I asked him why, he said that no one would want to follow my comment because I am his wife — that no one has to be a female. He recently told me that he is leaving me, but continues to tell me that he is not seeing anyone. I don’t believe him; he compares me with other women and tries to make it seem as if I am wrong for questioning him.
He spends a lot of time on Facebook, yet he tells me that I don’t give him any attention. He works at night and has to sleep during the day. It seems as if he is looking for reasons to justify either his cheating, his leaving me or both. I do not like being accused of neglect because I am the one who is being neglected. I practically raised my children alone because he was not home much and it was not work related. He is home more now, but I think that he uses his facebook as a means to have conversation with others. I am really tired.
(ENGLAND) Have found these comments uplifting at this terrible time I am having. I have recently found out that my husband of 20 years has been having an affair with a woman 10 years older than me, this has been going on for 7 months. I came across this accidently and did NOT have any clues. Facebook seems to be the route of this evil. They knew eachother 27 years ago and looked each other up.
She contacted my husband and they met up. I find this utterly unacceptable, how a happily married man with 2 children can suddenly decide to secretly meet up with someone and think nothing will happen. Well it did. Months of lies followed. Additional hours at work, having to be away for weekends, secret phone calls etc and I still did not pick up the signs. Life was normal, sex was normal, family life was as it had been.
My husband came back from work one Friday night and tried to start an argument, which led to him going to stay with a friend for the night to sort out his head. He didn’t go to his friends he went to her. The following day his Visa bill arrived, something inside me made me open it. I was horrified to find evidence of hotel reservations, expensive gifts and restaurant bills. This made me question everything, I searched his emails and found messages, intimate messages which made me sick to my stomach. I confronted him and there was no going back.
This happened 4 weeks ago, he has become hateful towards me, ignoring my calls, upsetting the children so I have filed for divorce. He broke my heart and I will have to pick up the pieces to my life. He says he doesn’t love her but that means nothing to me. Betrayal of the vows we made. I am hurt, angry and never want to see the man again. What kind of woman/man can involve themselves with a family, destroy their partners & childrens lives. Divorce is harsh, no consideration for people having to start again. But we have to, we are survivors and our children need us. Good luck to anyone in a similar prediciment to me. I know I will get through this, but WHEN?
(KENYA) Hi, I am experiencing betrayal from my lover. I am pregnant with his child and I found out that he has been getting emotionally involved with his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t seem to understand what I am going through or even feel the pain I feel.
He apologizes for his wrongs and promises love but that just ain’t enough. I wish it were easy to part ways coz am afraid of the future for I am asking myself what if it happens again? I can’t trust him and I don feel like being with him anymore but here is an innocent child that am so worried about.
I hate what this is doing to me. I just feel so stuck, God knows. I feel……….I don’t know, words cannot express, but I have never felt so much pain. I have no other reason to hold on to him apart from this child. Can I still leave him despite my fears for the baby growing without a father? What would be the right thing for me to do? I greatly need help
(EIRE) JACKYLIN, I would love to hear how you are now that I too found my ex was “visiting” his recent ex girlfriend while I carried our 1st son. I eventually confronted him after the birth in 2005, and we continued on from there… But in Feb 2008 I was taken into the hospital. I was very ill. The DAY I was let go home, I discovered he had been having yet another affair. It had been going on for at least 3-4 months… After me, like a fool, I put up with all his lies and stuff just to have it ALL thrown back in my face… Well, that was 1 1/2 yrs ago. I still miss what I wanted our relationship to mean or even be.. but I don’t miss him anymore (as much).
(USA) Hi Jacklyn, It sounds as though you are unmarried yes? You said "lover" but not "husband."
I have not been in your situation so I can’t really offer you much comfort other than that I will keep you in my prayers and remind you of God’s love for you.
If you are unmarried and pregnant then I assume you know that sex outside of marriage is a sin and you have to confess that (if that is the case) and ask for forgiveness and then repent and make a change not to do that in the future.
As for what to do……well some of that depends on the father of your baby. What does he want?
If you are married, however, and he has had an affair, well that’s actually one of only 2 forgivable reasons for divorce in the Bible but I also know that there are a lot of people who contribute to this site who have overcome and stayed married, even after the marriage vows have been betrayed through an affair.
You should read I Corinthians 7 – it talks about marriage, divorce and whether or not a couple should marry (if they’ve already committed fornication). You will probably need to read it many times because there is a LOT of info in there to soak up.
I hope this helps, I can’t really relate to your situation but felt your pain and wanted to offer you some small consolation. Christ is our comforter – pray and meditate and allow His presence to not only comfort you but guide you in your current crisis as well. With love and prayers, LT
(USA) I am about to finalize my second divorce from the same man. We married 6 years ago and numerous affairs on his part, and two children later, I finally had enough. We divorced and then remarried later much to my family’s disapproval. They all told me that "people don’t change" and "a leopard doesn’t change their spots". I knew that all things are possible with Christ, so I trusted him when he told me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids. I believed him when he told me that he knew the pain he had caused and would not do it again. I allowed him back into my life and married him yet again.
Not even a year later, he has had numerous other affairs and has now moved to another state to live with a woman he met online. I am here with our 4 and 2 year old kids and no kind of support from him at all. Not emotional for the kids or financial either.
I believe that God can change people and use situations to grow people, but those people have to be willing to accept the change and growth that will be involved. There are growth pains and change is not always comfortable, but all of that is necessary in order for God to get us to where He wants us to be.
I pray that anyone that has to go through what I have been through has the love of Christ because without Him, I don’t think I would be here today.