After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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Being betrayed by someone you thought you could trust only to find out they were using you for their own hidden agenda, is hard to heal from.
(US) I agree, and when it happens and you have kids, it’s worse. You are left between a rock and a hard place, can’t stay, but can’t go either. People either look at you like a fool because you are still there, or beg you stay "for the kids." I’m not the one that commited the adultery, yet it seems I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences, I have to stay. There are simply far to many people to let down if I go. Even though right now that seems like a decision between happiness and unending hurting.
(SWEDEN) That is exactly how I feel.
(NIGERIA) JESS, I SHARE IN YOUR PAIN. I PRAY GOD HEALS YOU OF ALL THE PAIN. ITS REALLY NOT EASY.
(US) It has been ten months since the divorce, betrayal. I thought I was over it. I thought we could be friends. But it’s impossible. The damage is too great and the lies too thick and deep to look past. He never came clean w/details and is still seeing her although wants me in his life "cannot live w/o me" It’s nothing short of torture and he probably has no clue how much damage he has done–to himself, to all our memories together, and to me. It’s nothing short of tragic. I just want to get over the pain and rage. I want to be happy again and not feel so empty and lost and forgotten.
Dear Leigh, I can only imagine the enormous pain this must be bringing into your heart and countenance. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I want you to know that I admire you for the intent of your heart — to want to remain friends. That would be the Lord’s heart because we serve a God of reconciliation. But friendship and reconciliation is something that is reciprocal. It takes two committed people to make it work in the way it should. It’s difficult to conduct yourselves as friends when the other person continues to stab you in your heart. Eventually that kind of “friendship” will destroy you.
If your former husband truly “can’t live without you” then he has a choice to make. Either he lives his life in such a faithful way that he isn’t continuing to hurt your heart, or he lives in his destructive ways apart from being able to be in your life as on-going friends. You may have to stay away from him for a period of time until he finally wises up and turns away from this life style, or you may have to stay away from being his “friend” permanently because he is a toxic person to be around. The choice will be made by his ACTIONS — not merely his words.
I don’t blame you for wanting to “be happy again” and not to feel so empty and lost and forgotten. I encourage you to keep reaching out for it in healthy ways. Keep in mind that you have suffered a HUGE injury — much like an amputation. The other half of you (your spouse) tore himself away from you. When that happens, you will tragically suffer from the severity of such an injury. That is the painful reality of this horrible type of betrayal. But as time goes on (10 months may seem like an eternity, but in reality, it isn’t very long, given the type of injury you have suffered), as you keep reaching for healthy ways which will aid in the healing process, you will eventually find a new normal and will find yourself enjoying life as God blesses you in your faithfulness. We know a multitude of people that have found this to be true.
You will never be the same again, but prayerfully as you reach out to God to help you to rebuild a life that is healthy and embraced by Truth and faithfulness, you will experience a new joy and fulfillment which you never imagined to be possible. We’ve seen this repeatedly. I pray this for you and pray for only the best for you!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I can fully understand this pain. My now ex husband was the infidel and I got all the blame. But I felt the tables were turned. I was willing to retry (despite what I always said I would do in the case of infidelity), yet it seemed he had the power because he initiated the divorce. It has been nine months since my life was turned upside down and one month since the divorce was finalized. Sometimes I feel I am caught in a nightmare. I have many unanswered questions– I don’t get any of this.
(USA) This article as a whole is VERY good. I would like to make a comment on the statement that grieving an affair is similar to grieving death. As some one who has experienced both, the two are very different. In grieving an affair the spouse who grieves is typically grieving alone. There is no support network from close family & friends that come with a death. There is no funeral to bury the affair. Betrayed spouses are advised to keep information to a bare minimum, when death is shared by all. This "silent suffering" through betrayal makes all the difference in the world, and is enough not to compare the two, except for that fact that we grieve.
(US) The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
SHE and HER??? How about HE and His?
(USA) I couldn’t agree more with the “He and His” comment…this article seems very good and i hope that I can get something from it… but obviously it was written by a woman who believes that 99.99% of the pathetic betrayers (I would love to use a stonger expletive, but since seems to be a Christian site…) are men…WRONG… The pain is perhaps worse for a man… men do stupid things for sex… women do it for deeper reasons…Regardless, it hurts…
No matter what your gender…You cannot imagine the pain if you haven’t been there.. .Anyway, stop with the “he” and “she” stuff… As I look for comfort in this site or in a book, you have no idea the additional pain and insult when you address women as the only victims… thanks…
(KENYA) Hi, I am experiencing betrayal from my lover. I am pregnant with his child and I found out that he has been getting emotionally involved with his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t seem to understand what I am going through or even feel the pain I feel.
He apologizes for his wrongs and promises love but that just ain’t enough. I wish it were easy to part ways coz am afraid of the future for I am asking myself what if it happens again? I can’t trust him and I don feel like being with him anymore but here is an innocent child that am so worried about.
I hate what this is doing to me. I just feel so stuck, God knows. I feel……….I don’t know, words cannot express, but I have never felt so much pain. I have no other reason to hold on to him apart from this child. Can I still leave him despite my fears for the baby growing without a father? What would be the right thing for me to do? I greatly need help
(EIRE) JACKYLIN, I would love to hear how you are now that I too found my ex was “visiting” his recent ex girlfriend while I carried our 1st son. I eventually confronted him after the birth in 2005, and we continued on from there… But in Feb 2008 I was taken into the hospital. I was very ill. The DAY I was let go home, I discovered he had been having yet another affair. It had been going on for at least 3-4 months… After me, like a fool, I put up with all his lies and stuff just to have it ALL thrown back in my face… Well, that was 1 1/2 yrs ago. I still miss what I wanted our relationship to mean or even be.. but I don’t miss him anymore (as much).
(USA) Hi Jacklyn, It sounds as though you are unmarried yes? You said "lover" but not "husband."
I have not been in your situation so I can’t really offer you much comfort other than that I will keep you in my prayers and remind you of God’s love for you.
If you are unmarried and pregnant then I assume you know that sex outside of marriage is a sin and you have to confess that (if that is the case) and ask for forgiveness and then repent and make a change not to do that in the future.
As for what to do……well some of that depends on the father of your baby. What does he want?
If you are married, however, and he has had an affair, well that’s actually one of only 2 forgivable reasons for divorce in the Bible but I also know that there are a lot of people who contribute to this site who have overcome and stayed married, even after the marriage vows have been betrayed through an affair.
You should read I Corinthians 7 – it talks about marriage, divorce and whether or not a couple should marry (if they’ve already committed fornication). You will probably need to read it many times because there is a LOT of info in there to soak up.
I hope this helps, I can’t really relate to your situation but felt your pain and wanted to offer you some small consolation. Christ is our comforter – pray and meditate and allow His presence to not only comfort you but guide you in your current crisis as well. With love and prayers, LT
(USA) I am about to finalize my second divorce from the same man. We married 6 years ago and numerous affairs on his part, and two children later, I finally had enough. We divorced and then remarried later much to my family’s disapproval. They all told me that "people don’t change" and "a leopard doesn’t change their spots". I knew that all things are possible with Christ, so I trusted him when he told me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids. I believed him when he told me that he knew the pain he had caused and would not do it again. I allowed him back into my life and married him yet again.
Not even a year later, he has had numerous other affairs and has now moved to another state to live with a woman he met online. I am here with our 4 and 2 year old kids and no kind of support from him at all. Not emotional for the kids or financial either.
I believe that God can change people and use situations to grow people, but those people have to be willing to accept the change and growth that will be involved. There are growth pains and change is not always comfortable, but all of that is necessary in order for God to get us to where He wants us to be.
I pray that anyone that has to go through what I have been through has the love of Christ because without Him, I don’t think I would be here today.