After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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Being betrayed by someone you thought you could trust only to find out they were using you for their own hidden agenda, is hard to heal from.
(US) I agree, and when it happens and you have kids, it’s worse. You are left between a rock and a hard place, can’t stay, but can’t go either. People either look at you like a fool because you are still there, or beg you stay "for the kids." I’m not the one that commited the adultery, yet it seems I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences, I have to stay. There are simply far to many people to let down if I go. Even though right now that seems like a decision between happiness and unending hurting.
(SWEDEN) That is exactly how I feel.
(NIGERIA) JESS, I SHARE IN YOUR PAIN. I PRAY GOD HEALS YOU OF ALL THE PAIN. ITS REALLY NOT EASY.
(US) It has been ten months since the divorce, betrayal. I thought I was over it. I thought we could be friends. But it’s impossible. The damage is too great and the lies too thick and deep to look past. He never came clean w/details and is still seeing her although wants me in his life "cannot live w/o me" It’s nothing short of torture and he probably has no clue how much damage he has done–to himself, to all our memories together, and to me. It’s nothing short of tragic. I just want to get over the pain and rage. I want to be happy again and not feel so empty and lost and forgotten.
Dear Leigh, I can only imagine the enormous pain this must be bringing into your heart and countenance. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I want you to know that I admire you for the intent of your heart — to want to remain friends. That would be the Lord’s heart because we serve a God of reconciliation. But friendship and reconciliation is something that is reciprocal. It takes two committed people to make it work in the way it should. It’s difficult to conduct yourselves as friends when the other person continues to stab you in your heart. Eventually that kind of “friendship” will destroy you.
If your former husband truly “can’t live without you” then he has a choice to make. Either he lives his life in such a faithful way that he isn’t continuing to hurt your heart, or he lives in his destructive ways apart from being able to be in your life as on-going friends. You may have to stay away from him for a period of time until he finally wises up and turns away from this life style, or you may have to stay away from being his “friend” permanently because he is a toxic person to be around. The choice will be made by his ACTIONS — not merely his words.
I don’t blame you for wanting to “be happy again” and not to feel so empty and lost and forgotten. I encourage you to keep reaching out for it in healthy ways. Keep in mind that you have suffered a HUGE injury — much like an amputation. The other half of you (your spouse) tore himself away from you. When that happens, you will tragically suffer from the severity of such an injury. That is the painful reality of this horrible type of betrayal. But as time goes on (10 months may seem like an eternity, but in reality, it isn’t very long, given the type of injury you have suffered), as you keep reaching for healthy ways which will aid in the healing process, you will eventually find a new normal and will find yourself enjoying life as God blesses you in your faithfulness. We know a multitude of people that have found this to be true.
You will never be the same again, but prayerfully as you reach out to God to help you to rebuild a life that is healthy and embraced by Truth and faithfulness, you will experience a new joy and fulfillment which you never imagined to be possible. We’ve seen this repeatedly. I pray this for you and pray for only the best for you!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I can fully understand this pain. My now ex husband was the infidel and I got all the blame. But I felt the tables were turned. I was willing to retry (despite what I always said I would do in the case of infidelity), yet it seemed he had the power because he initiated the divorce. It has been nine months since my life was turned upside down and one month since the divorce was finalized. Sometimes I feel I am caught in a nightmare. I have many unanswered questions– I don’t get any of this.
(USA) This article as a whole is VERY good. I would like to make a comment on the statement that grieving an affair is similar to grieving death. As some one who has experienced both, the two are very different. In grieving an affair the spouse who grieves is typically grieving alone. There is no support network from close family & friends that come with a death. There is no funeral to bury the affair. Betrayed spouses are advised to keep information to a bare minimum, when death is shared by all. This "silent suffering" through betrayal makes all the difference in the world, and is enough not to compare the two, except for that fact that we grieve.
(US) The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
SHE and HER??? How about HE and His?
(USA) I couldn’t agree more with the “He and His” comment…this article seems very good and i hope that I can get something from it… but obviously it was written by a woman who believes that 99.99% of the pathetic betrayers (I would love to use a stonger expletive, but since seems to be a Christian site…) are men…WRONG… The pain is perhaps worse for a man… men do stupid things for sex… women do it for deeper reasons…Regardless, it hurts…
No matter what your gender…You cannot imagine the pain if you haven’t been there.. .Anyway, stop with the “he” and “she” stuff… As I look for comfort in this site or in a book, you have no idea the additional pain and insult when you address women as the only victims… thanks…
(KENYA) Hi, I am experiencing betrayal from my lover. I am pregnant with his child and I found out that he has been getting emotionally involved with his ex-girlfriend. He doesn’t seem to understand what I am going through or even feel the pain I feel.
He apologizes for his wrongs and promises love but that just ain’t enough. I wish it were easy to part ways coz am afraid of the future for I am asking myself what if it happens again? I can’t trust him and I don feel like being with him anymore but here is an innocent child that am so worried about.
I hate what this is doing to me. I just feel so stuck, God knows. I feel……….I don’t know, words cannot express, but I have never felt so much pain. I have no other reason to hold on to him apart from this child. Can I still leave him despite my fears for the baby growing without a father? What would be the right thing for me to do? I greatly need help
(EIRE) JACKYLIN, I would love to hear how you are now that I too found my ex was “visiting” his recent ex girlfriend while I carried our 1st son. I eventually confronted him after the birth in 2005, and we continued on from there… But in Feb 2008 I was taken into the hospital. I was very ill. The DAY I was let go home, I discovered he had been having yet another affair. It had been going on for at least 3-4 months… After me, like a fool, I put up with all his lies and stuff just to have it ALL thrown back in my face… Well, that was 1 1/2 yrs ago. I still miss what I wanted our relationship to mean or even be.. but I don’t miss him anymore (as much).
(USA) Hi Jacklyn, It sounds as though you are unmarried yes? You said "lover" but not "husband."
I have not been in your situation so I can’t really offer you much comfort other than that I will keep you in my prayers and remind you of God’s love for you.
If you are unmarried and pregnant then I assume you know that sex outside of marriage is a sin and you have to confess that (if that is the case) and ask for forgiveness and then repent and make a change not to do that in the future.
As for what to do……well some of that depends on the father of your baby. What does he want?
If you are married, however, and he has had an affair, well that’s actually one of only 2 forgivable reasons for divorce in the Bible but I also know that there are a lot of people who contribute to this site who have overcome and stayed married, even after the marriage vows have been betrayed through an affair.
You should read I Corinthians 7 – it talks about marriage, divorce and whether or not a couple should marry (if they’ve already committed fornication). You will probably need to read it many times because there is a LOT of info in there to soak up.
I hope this helps, I can’t really relate to your situation but felt your pain and wanted to offer you some small consolation. Christ is our comforter – pray and meditate and allow His presence to not only comfort you but guide you in your current crisis as well. With love and prayers, LT
(USA) I am about to finalize my second divorce from the same man. We married 6 years ago and numerous affairs on his part, and two children later, I finally had enough. We divorced and then remarried later much to my family’s disapproval. They all told me that "people don’t change" and "a leopard doesn’t change their spots". I knew that all things are possible with Christ, so I trusted him when he told me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids. I believed him when he told me that he knew the pain he had caused and would not do it again. I allowed him back into my life and married him yet again.
Not even a year later, he has had numerous other affairs and has now moved to another state to live with a woman he met online. I am here with our 4 and 2 year old kids and no kind of support from him at all. Not emotional for the kids or financial either.
I believe that God can change people and use situations to grow people, but those people have to be willing to accept the change and growth that will be involved. There are growth pains and change is not always comfortable, but all of that is necessary in order for God to get us to where He wants us to be.
I pray that anyone that has to go through what I have been through has the love of Christ because without Him, I don’t think I would be here today.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I just want to add, that at the moment I am going through a really tough time. My husband has "cheated" or better said had "emotional affairs" in the past, which has caused a lot of pain for me, but I had forgiven him. He is not a believer, but I am! Recently I have found – or caught him in the act – chatting with women online (two weeks ago). He has since become very defensive and up tight about it. Until it eventually lead to that, we stopped talking to each other.
He used to phone me during the day at work, but now he no longer does. (This was last week.) However, I have been praying day and night that God will restore our marriage, as HE has the power to breath HIS life into the deadest of marriages. Secondly, God does NOT believe/approve of divorce – so that is not an option either. This week we have been sleeping in the same bed again (he moved to another room) and he moved back on his own accord too.
We have started talking to each other too, but not saying much – talking about daily things – however, last night we spoke as if we were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in ages and had to catch up on the news. He is still on line with these women, but GOD will stop it! I believe it in my heart. God has being working in me this week, and changing me in ways I never thought I could. I truly believe that GOD can and will restore our marriage to greater than it ever was before. "Stop telling God how big your storm is and start telling your storm how big your GOD is".
(USA) Hello, I am happy to have come across this website because I am newly divorced (Nov. of 2007) after 23 years of marriage. I took a buyout from my job in 2006 to come home and help manage my husband’s diabetes and health issues and to oversee repairs to our house. He was very depressed about all of those things and the diabetes almost made him go blind. He moved out a week after I signed the papers abandoning me, and the kids, one of whom was in college at the time. He is a back-slidden pastor and it hurts because he tried to twist the scripture and justify his leaving because I was "very disobediant." He was running up debts and not paying them so he was constantly secretly borrowing money from pay day loans and co-workers to cover his tracks.
After a month out in his new apt. he started acting very cocky, angry and cut us off financially until the child support finally kicked in 7 months later. As it turns out he was having an affair with someone (a former member of our church) 13 years younger whom he was visiting to discuss the scriptures.
Our college age daughter died in a car accident in April of 2007, and instead of coming clean and getting his life in order, the divorce summons arrived 3 days before her funeral. By the fall he had pushed through the divorce with his attorney although I wasn’t there and neither was my attorney and then he married the girl he was cheating with a month later.
Our family is so hurt, and grieving and our son, (the baby of the family) who is now 17 yrs. hasn’t even seen his dad since last Nov. His dad calls him on his cell phone.
Pray for us all because we are going back to court next week because the divorce decree was all in his favor, and nothing was done properly because his lawyer didn’t properly fill out paperwork and there’s a possibility that the whole divorce will be overturned. They decreased the child support and my son was kicked off my husband’s medical insurance and nothing has been settled re: our son, the house, pensions, our daughter’s wrongful death claim, etc.
Please pray for me to have nothing but love and forgiveness for my husband and his new wife. He inherited 2 much younger children one of whom is mute and it hurts because his own son considered his dad his best friend, but is now being totally ignored. My husband phoned him to tell him he had gotten married and asked him to tell me out of spite. I feel that in court he is going to try to fight me tooth and nail to try to "punish" me for not agreeing to sign so he could withdraw his pension when he left us.
He is not acting rational and still wanted me to sign for him to get a loan on his retirement to spend on his girlfriend, his new furniture, his new exercise equipment and his new car and new lifestyle while ignoring me when our daughter was on the verge of getting kicked out of college and down to her last money. Fortunately my church awarded her a scholarship so she was able to stay in school until the time of her death. This is a lot to unload, but please bear with me. I am healing, but I don’t know how I will feel when I first see him in court after not seeing him for over 7 months and all of his "tricks." Let’s pray for one another.
(USA) Hi Peggy,
I don’t know where to start after reading all you wrote. All I can say is wow. I mean, I’m really stupified. I feel for all you have been through and are continuing to go through. Also, my condolences on the loss of a child – I simply cannot imagine the pain.
My husband and I are healing our marriage after covering up more than a decade of abuse inside the marriage and we are, too, both believers. I know how hard it is sometimes. I’ve got very different trials than you, but can certainly commiserate with your pain, confusion, etc.
These are the verses that came to my mind after reading your current trial :
Matt. 6:19 (do not store up treasures on Earth)
Matt. 5:40 (if someone wants to sue you for something, give them that and the shirt off your back)
I Cor. 6:6
Please read all these prayerfully and ask God’s guidance to help you apply them in the appropriate way. The above verses are what the Holy Spirit spoke to me as I read through your testimony.
The last verse – I Cor. 6:6 – Paul is VERY clear that believers should not be suing one another in the courts of unbelievers (man’s legal system). Obviously your husband has filed the suit against you for divorce but my strong urge is to get the court date done and then get out of there.
God WILL provide for you and your children. It sounds as though you’ve already got a good church behind you that is willing to help you out. But even if you don’t end up with a great "settlement" from man’s court system, and the church cannot make up for it – I know in my heart you will be ok. God says that His children will never worry about having a bed or food to eat or clothes to wear.
Although I can’t identify with your situation personally, I can identify with the pain of uncertainty and hurt and confusion. I will pray for your healing and that of your children. I will also pray for your husband – he sounds pretty far away from God right now.
I can tell from what you wrote that you are seeking God’s will and want to do the right thing by God. It sounds, too, as though your husband is not as concerned right now with doing the right thing. If he repents and confesses in the future then God will forgive him, of course, but right now my sense is that your husband/ex-husband is the sinking ship that is trying to bring you down with him. And in bitterness and hurt, we are all tempted to stoop to someone’s lower level.
Please ask God to give you the strength, right now, to be the higher example and try to move on from that situation as soon as possible. There is no need for you to sign on loans to help someone who has abandoned you and, quite possibly, God right now.
Let your husband’s garbage and baggage be his own – don’t let it be yours. God will carry you through it all. Right now, take whatever the courts decide and then move on. t’s distasteful to God that your husband is even doing all this – in a court of unbelievers.
Anyway – I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps in some small way – that is what was in my heart to write after reading what you are going through.
With love and prayers, LT
(USA) Thank you LT! I will be reading these scriptures prayerfully. The Word of God and prayer has been my rock and foundation through this storm.
I desire to abide in the Lord and to have his Word abide in me. I want to submit my will, emotions, flesh and future to the Lord. I want to conform to His Word (that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel hurt) but I realize that it is part of the process of dying to self, and following Christ.
This whole ordeal has opened my eyes to the crisis and devastation that divorce creates in the lives of others. I can now pray more effectively and I certainly can empathize as never before. I realize that divorce is a type of unforgiveness, and is a very nasty breaking of a covenant. I truly don’t want to fall into the trap of bitterly nursing the wounds. The Lord’s Word has been soooo comforting. His compassion is beyond belief! And yes, He is providing all our needs according to his riches in Glory, by Christ Jesus. Last year we lacked for nothing although there were many exspenses, (college, funeral, appliances that broke down had to be replaced, etc. ) God even led me to a Christian salesperson when I went to replace the broken washer and refrigerator and he ended up ministering to me with personal testimonies in the store! He knew nothing of my situation, but God knew!
I am praying for direction re: employment since my buyout money and benefits end in Dec. and for funds to send our son to college. (He graduates in 2009). I am presently in school, to get some training and skills since I am older and want to be able to get a job that pays something comparable to my old one that I held for 22 years. Additionally I am finding that college is a good "mission field."
God is up to something big!!! Sometimes I can’t believe so many people are going through similar book- of- Job experiences such as divorce. I know in my future I really want to comfort others who go through this kind of trouble and I believe this is God’s way of preparing me!
I still find that on certain days, feel very down, and there have been days when I just felt so frozen with depression and wanted to give up and run away to some distant place to live. Fortunately we are (my children and I) grounded in our faith, in our church-home, and are growing closer to each other and to God as a result of these attacks from satan. Everyone is going to have a terrific testimony when this is all over! : )
(UNITED STATES) I recently found out that my wife had been seeing and meeting up with another man that she worked with, while I was working. I need the knowledge and the guarantee that as the article mentioned, we’re together again, and to know that this will not happen again. The pain truly is too much to deal with. I couldn’t go on dealing with the things I’ve dealt with. This can’t happen again; it hurts too bad. I love her with all my heart, but I’ll have to let go if this would ever reoccur. She says she’s done with him, and she doesn’t like him, or have these "feelings" for him anymore. Yet I asked if she had regrets, and she said no. It just cut me, thats all, I just want to know …
(UNITED STATES) I was betrayed by my spouse several times a few years ago. I have not been able to shake the feeling that it’s just a matter of time before it happens again. He also has an adult child by another women whom he keeps in touch with. The adult child recently had a daughter, making him a granddaddy for the 1st time. I believe it’s strengthening their relationship. Even though this women is married, I can’t help feeling something’s there. Yesterday, he had his cell phone off all day until I used it to make a phone call at his request. When I turned it on there was a text message from this woman wishing him a happy Easter.
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been married for 27 years. I worked two jobs for ten years to help support my family. My husband worked at a full time job and volunteered for the local fire department. In 2005, someone started sending me e-mails signed- catcha cheata. Due to the type of job I have, my work e-mail is listed for clients. I thought my marriage was great except that I was disappointed with our sex life. He was always tired.
I finally showed my husband one of the numerous e-mails and asked him about it. He said he had no clue what this person was asking about. I guess deep inside I knew that he was lying. I quit the second job against his wishes. He still was gone a lot of the time. I came out and asked him several times if he was cheating. The answer was no.
After he donated blood one day he was notified that his blood had failed safety checks, and it was recommended that he have some tests run. Well, I knew in my heart then. I went into catch the cheater mode. Oh yes, I replied with catcha cheata the next time they e-mailed and she/he gave me a list of names of women that my husband had had affairs with. (There were 15 names on that list) ( One of those women was a former client of mine. She was a friend of my daughter’s. He never used a condom.
He has never told me everything. He is such a coward.
We have gone to a Christian counselor. He said that the reason he cheated is that I nagged. I guess that is what you call begging for sex in your own home. We are still together after 2 years, but I’ll admit that it is a shallow marriage and I have no doubt that he’ll probably cheat again. I’m not sure that I care either way.
He still says he loves me. Ha. With love like that who needs hate.
(USA) Well, I can see that this post is a little one sided and deals mostly with the betrayal and infidelity of a man. But, i can assure, betrayal is not limited to infidelity. Any betrayal of marriage vows can be hurtful and devastating. My ex-wife broke her the vow ‘for sickness and in health’ and it has caused me great pain and anguish. I went through a period of insomnia, anxiety, and depression and she completely turned her back on me and our family. So, let’s be honest when we discuss betrayal. Both men and women are capable of it. And, quite frankly, it all sucks…
(USA) Hi Chris, You’re right on so many levels, with what you wrote in your comments. Both men AND women are capable of betraying their wedding vows. And it hurts more than most anyone could ever comprehend when that happens. I’m really sorry for your pain. It’s hard to understand how any human being could do that to another human being — let alone someone who vowed their love and loyalty to you. I truly sympathize with you and pray the Lord ministers to your broken heart and to the wide range of emotions you are experiencing.
You’re also right in thinking that the postings on this web site seem one-sided. The reason is because it’s been almost impossible for us to find anything written from the other side. It’s not that we haven’t looked or haven’t wanted to post things written from the standpoint of when a man is betrayed, but all we can post is what we can find. We will keep looking though. In the meantime, please apply what you can glean. Pain is pain, and it CAN be related to, whether it is experienced by a man or a woman. There are some differences, but hopefully you can find some things written on this web site that you can relate to. Sorry about that — truly! Keep checking back and we’ll keep looking… for your sake and for the sake of other men in your circumstances. And please, if you ever come across any articles written from a mans’ perspective on betrayal, please inform us. – Steve Wright
(USA) Hi Chris and Steve, Thanks for your comments. I agree that betrayal is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to understand, but I think when people can look through the hurtful actions and words of another, to what’s really driving them underneath, it’s easier to understand.
It’s hard to do if we, personally, are the recipient of someone else’s hurtful actions, but there is a level of emotional objectivity that can be achieved in walking with God for a LONG time and it takes a lot of patience and time and practice.
We all carry all sorts of baggage that starts with childhood and doesn’t end until we die. That negative baggage, unfortunately, is what drives all of us to hurt others at some time or another – some worse than others. People who were physically, emotionally or sexually abused tend to be the ones who not only hurt others, but hurt themselves, too, until they come to some sort of healing. There are also a lot of families with very bad communication skills so many people come into adulthood reacting instead of communicating because they simply don’t know any other way.
At any rate – the one observation I’ve noticed after leaving many comments on different pages on this site and reading the comments of others, is that women tend to talk things out more as a means to resolution and healing.
I think one of the reasons things might be a bit one-sided on these boards is not because men aren’t hurting – they just don’t seem to need/want to share it with others and write it/talk it through as a means of dealing with it as much as women do.
That might be one possibility for what seems to be mostly women making comments and sharing more than a few lines on a topic.
I’m praying for healing for God’s children that come to this website for help. With Christian love, LT
(USA) I am now looking to what the future may look like after the revelation of a new affair on top of the 4 other ones I know about, not to mention those I don’t. The difference now is I don’t have little ones any more, they are almost grown! Realistically, I don’t think he can change, as his history is a good indicator of his future. Habitual cheaters statistically don’t change. The battle I have is between my head and my heart. Please help me! I also want to humiliate the "homewrecker" so badly to ensure that she will think twice before sleeping with another’s husband in the future. I have a video of the two of them together and he’s inserting an adult toy into her! It’s sickening and difficult to remove this site from my head! Please, if anyone out there has been in a similar situation, I would appreciate your advise and comments. Broken and vengeful
(TEXAS) I have been married for 28 years and I have been hurt by my husband deeply. I have no trust in him, for he had betrayed me many times and I just keep on praying over and over that God help me to be a good wife and to fix me. He (my husband) tells me that it is not me, but that it is him that have the problem. Why do you keep hurting me? Why are you with me, I ask him, and he always says because he loves me. Sorry if I don’t believe him now. That stopped along time ago. So we ended up separating for a long while (13 years to be on the dime).
So we decided to get back together and he said that he changed, after 13 years, mind you. Whatever happened in the past is the past. We will not bring that into our life again, and we both agreed to this. NOT even a good year had passed before he started seeing other women and calling them on the phone, meeting them while at work, and getting letters from an old lover on his job. I did not know that some of his old lovers were in the church that we attend and I wondered why he never wanted to sit with me at church. I never knew that he was keeping these things from me.
I wanted to renew our vows, so that we could start fresh and he denied me this, because again he knew that his ex’s were there and I did not. It hurt me so much when he told me "I don’t want to seem holier than thou" and I never knew what that meant. So I prayed to God and asked what did he mean by that? So it came out about the ex’s that are at the church. So when is enough enough? Can someone help me? I am soooo sad inside. I can not pick up the Bible any more and not that I am saying that it is God’s fault.
My husband and I are both believers, and when I say that we would both pray and sometimes fasting together, I mean that. I have tried to deal with it alone and then tried to get him to get marriage counseling. I am so sad. I am so hurt and I want to get on the right track, I just don’t know how. I want to leave him but I don’t want someone else to get the blessing that God has for the wife (me).
He gives money to other women and when I ask him for something, sometimes he tells me that God told him not to help me. WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I am your wife and you can help other women and not your wife? This is too much sometimes. I am not understanding! It is so deep and I feel that I need help to understand what is going on. Maybe it is me. I am not a basket case but I am hurting. This is just the tip of the iceberg. When is enough enough? And maybe it is me and I need help. I hope that you understand and I hope that I did not say anything wrong……..
(USA) Mary, Honey, I am going to pray for you very hard. Before I start I need to ask you a couple of questions. You say that your husband is a Christian correct? These actions are not that of someone who believes. He is knowingly living and participating in adultery and that is not the way Christ asks us to live. He is not a believer because he cannot say that he is saved by Christ and forgiven knowing that he is not repenting for his sin. He is breaking a very clear commandment here.
Mary I strongly suggest that you speak with your Pastor? This kind of sin cannot continue in the Lord’s house. If there are women there that are unknowing of your husband’s marital status (not knowing the size of your church) then they need to be told of his actions so that they may avoid him. If these women do know that he’s married to you and are uncaring of this fact, then they need to be brought to the attention of your Pastor and church family.
Matthew 18:15-17
15"If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[b] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
This type of disrespect for our Father and His house cannot be tolerated by any church family according to the bible. As for your husband’s willingness to help his mistresses and not you. I invite you to read Ephesians 5:25-30
"25(H) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and(I) gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by(J) the washing of water(K) with the word, 27so(L) that he might present the church to himself in splendor,(M) without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28In the same way(N) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because(O) we are members of his body."
If you need your husband’s help, he should help you and do so in a way that he would do for his own self should he need to. Wait, I am sorry, he should do so in a way that Christ would because he is the head and you are the body. His love should be sacrificial for you as Christ’s love was for the church. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to sacrifice or to even give up committing adultery. I strongly advise you to go to your Pastor. Bring your problems to GOD and use HIS people to help you solve issues you have. Non-Christians walk a very different path and do not hold the same beliefs as Christians.
I will pray very hard for you Mary know that and that I Love ya sister. Love, LYNNE
(US) I recently was told by my husband whom I am madly in love with, that he was having an affair with a friend of mine on and off for two years and was considering leaving me. I love him to distraction. I always thought I knew what I would do in this situation, that I would kick him out….but I didn’t. I hurt so badly and I can’t make it stop.
He says he loves me, but that he loves her too. He never left me for her, but I don’t know if it is because he loves me or just because she won’t have him. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. Unfortunately, I love him so much it hurts.
Everyone has advice, but I know it is my decision. When I took out vows I meant them. Unfortunately, I know that he broke them. He is still here in the house and we are trying to go on as normal, though it is hard. He knows I am hurting. He is also hurting too.
I just don’t know what to do.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I just found out that my husband had an affair for 8 months with a woman that is also married. The really hard part is that she has a child that attends my daughters school. It has been three weeks since I found out. We have been going to a marriage counselor since the beginning of July but I feel that there hasn’t been a difference in our marriage. Well, at least the way I feel– I can’t get over the hurt or pain~ I know he is a good father, friend and person.
I just don’t know if we’re meant to be together. He has different view points of life. He says that he needs me to be physically attractive. (make up,etc) I’m so confused because we have a 7month old baby. How did we end up making him if he wasn’t attracted to me? Also, he said that I was being really mothering to him. Currently I’m trying to not be mothering but he still wants me to find solutions to our current financial problems, due to paying our marriage counselor. I really want him to be a Godly male figure for our household but don’t want to push him in the wrong direction. I really don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage but I also don’t want to take the easy way out.
(PHILIPPINES) I’m not married, but the love of my life, whom I have kids with, cheated on me. I had absolutely no idea that he has been cheating, or maybe I was just too trusting. We were happy for years until I found out. I only found out because the other woman told me. They’ve been going out for months behind my back. There came a point where he tried to win me back, but the minute he got me back, he told me that he didn’t love me and that he wanted to be with the other woman. I was devastated. Our relationship went from bad to worse so that I had to leave. Now he says that he loves me and wants me back. I find it hard to believe because of the hell he put me thru. He gets pissed when I’m angry, and says that the affair is over so I should just shut up about it. He thinks I’m just pushing it too much. It hasn’t even been 6 months since I found out. I feel like he just wants me to forget about it. He doesn’t truly care about me, does he?
(ORLANDO) I AM NOT MARRIED EITHER BUT IT SEEMS THAT HE ALREADY KNOWS THAT WHEN HE WANTS TO COME BACK YOU TAKE HIM BACK. IT REALLY DOESN’T SEEM LIKE HE CARES AT ALL. JUST AS LONG AS YOU TAKE HIM BACK IS ALL THAT HE CARES ABOUT. MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? BECAUSE IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF AS FAR AS HAVING THIS MAN RUN IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE. TO ME, LOVE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT AND THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR ISN’T LOVE. I WOULD SAY ASK GOD FOR HELP TO REMOVE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE HE AIN’T GOING NO WHERE AND WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM BACK IN? ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOSING HIM OR ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ALONE?
(PHILIPPINES) I already lost him a long time ago. I guess I’m more afraid of not having a complete family. I grew up having a complete family and I don’t know how I would be able to explain what happened to my children. I couldn’t even tell if I still love him because everytime I look at him, it’s like I’m seeing a different person already. I do need to heal and leave this up to God. He doesn’t treat me the way I’m suppose to be treated and he doesn’t realize the extent of the pain he caused so I’m just going to let him be. Thanks so much for your response.
(PHILIPPINES) In my case, I think that being physically apart from him would be best. I hope and pray that things will be better for me and for my children. I hope that all the pain from the betrayal and the humiliation will just die a natural death. Thanks again.
(USA) My comment is more of a question. My husband and I have been married 13 yrs. 7 years into our marriage he had a one night stand. For most of the 13 yrs. he has had an addiction to porn. I knew about it several years ago, but thought he had dealt w/ it. Over the past year it has been a constant battle of his addiction and me confronting him. He has also had several emotional affairs through people he met at work. One he continues to work with. His choice for porn is to go on dating/escort/personal web-sites and hook up w/ people online. He says that he has never acted upon any of the relationships/people he has met with. He says it is all just online. Which to me is the same, he thought about it, so he might as well have done it.
About a month ago, he came clean about his addiction and we put a filter on our internet, he also subscribed to a daily devotional for people who struggle w/ that addiction. But here is my problem, I am devastated. I do not trust him at all. When he says he is going somewhere I don’t believe him. When he first told me about things I was angry, and I still am. But, I didn’t ask a lot of questions. But, now I have a lot of questions about certain things. Like once he went to get a massage and I now wonder if he went to have some other fantasy fulfilled. Should I ask him about that. Should I tell him every fear I have, every time I fear something, or should I just let it go?
(USA) Where do I begin. I recently found out that my husband of the past 10 years, with whom I share 3 children with, had a "so called" friend who just happened to be another woman who had NO idea that my husband was married, as he did not feel it was necessary to tell her this information. He says they were only friends and that they never got intimate and she says the same thing. Oh yeah did I mention that I called her and talked to her to find out what was going on?
I don’t believe that at all from either of them because it does not make sense that he would have to hide his wife and kids from her if he wasn’t interested in her and vice versa. I think that bothers me the most along with the fact that I had to catch him in order for him to stop it otherwise it would still be going on because I don’t think he would have come to the conclusion that he should stop on his own, I mean obviously he didn’t do that already.
Of course after the fact, he says how much it was wrong for him to lie to me and do this to me but I don’t know how to trust him. I am so tempted all the time to look at his phone and check his records. Sometimes I think the damage is done and I don’t know if I can trust him again. I know for me I will always wonder if he is telling me the truth and if he is going where he says he is and if he still is in contact with her. I mean how do you risk a 10 year marriage with 3 kids? I don’t understand that, he says one thing about wanting to be with me and loving me and then he goes and he does this and I just don’t understand all of that.
I lay in bed while he is sleeping and I just cry. I guess there are still some questions that I have. But should I keep bringing them up or what? I mean there were text messages, pictures messages, the whole shebang. I can’t mentally believe that nothing went on with them and I don’t know how to get past this whole thing and I don’t know how to tell my husband that I think about this all the time. I just don’t know how to say it. I have not NOT thought about it once since I found out.
(ENGLAND) I was in tears whilst reading this article…everything fits. My wife has had an affair, and brought it into my home too. However I still love her and am willing to try to forgive her. I just love her. Nothing else matters.
(USA) Michelle’s story is mine. The woman received monies, flowers and personal calls at least 4 times a week including the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and birthday as well as personal visits. Like you, I don’t trust him. I look at his phone, check his records and have discovered much more than I wanted. I have confronted the woman but she seems to feel his and her business have nothing to do with me. He’s begged, pleaded and even called her in my presence promising never to have contact. He claims to want to be with me a lifetime. Since, I don’t understand why or how this could happen. We enjoyed, I thought, a committed and passionate relationship throughout. I find it very difficult to move on. I feel staying in the relationship with so much about what happened is still unknown is a struggle. I love my husband and my family. I can’t see myself living without anyone of them, but can’t shake all the hurt, pain or misery.
(UNITED STATES) I really needed to read some of the things I have been reading, although none has come exactly to what I am experiencing but the feelings are the same. I would love some feed back, on my current situation.
After only knowing my husband 4 months I married him and after 5 months of marriage he committed a crime and went to prison for nine years. I stayed married to him and supported him and visited him 2x a month for the entire nine years. In the last years of his time we began to argue a lot and many times I threaten divorce, because of our negative interactions, and both our fears. I thought it would be best he go to a half way house before coming home, so that we could possibly rebuild our relationship and get to know one another again.
Well, he was totally against that and a week later I find out that has had pen pals he had been corresponding with so much as to have one he called his fiance and decided to go to that person because they were willing to take him in.
He was released and did just that. After 3 days out he called me and I was not bitter with him. He spoke as if everything was just grand, and I tried to avoid confrontation because I knew I would not get any answers. I decided to "act as if" he was a buddy and I ….well I don’t know what I thought, I just tried not to be angry.
After a couple of days of that, I could not take it anymore, because it was causing me extreme pain. He has been out 2 weeks and I went to his home town to visit my in laws and could not resist the opportunity to see, him. It was turbulent in the beginning and at first he projected an argument. Then he said, he needed a witness in case I was gonna try to cause him harm. He continue to blame me for what he was doing, and then he became civil. But he still avoided the exact nature.
I found myself asking if he wanted to come home and he said he would think about it, and then said he wanted to but he needed to do what he was doing first, so that he can be a man. Imagine that. After that visit, I felt elated for one day and then reality set in and I am very angry, and hurt, because when he got back to his environment of selected friends and family he began to speak to me over the phone aggressively as if he was on stage.
I have decided not to speak to him again for a while and to stay unavailable to his calls. As painful as it is not to call him, I realize he was not calling me either, and this hurts.
I guess my fears are that I will come back into the light and will not want him after the pain stops. Today I feel as if I do love him and want our marriage to continue. I do believe that a part of him does too, but he is very entangled into the world and the people that he has chosen to be a part of and to surround him with. I began to realize that his conversations to me on the phone are very aggressive as if he is trying to punish me, and continues to believe I am the reason for our separation.
Things are not going well for him and I am praying that I stand on faith, trust God’s plan, and stay out of God’s business. I know I have done all I can do, to the best of my ability. I feel betrayed, because never once has he acknowledged any gratitude for me sticking with him while he was in prison. Not even his family came to see him one time.
I guess I exceeded the comment and guess, what I have written, needed to be written. I am open for anyone Gods sees fit to respond to this. I also need to mention that there is a child, (not his) involved. She is now 16 and she is angry for me so I have to remain strong to explain to her, and at the same time, let her know that it’s okay to feel anger and disappointment, but hold no vengeance or resentments in her heart. Thank you all and thank you for this page.
(USA) Sorry I messed up. Anyway, after reading mizb from 9/23 I feel I need to respond… I am sorry for your loss. I know it hurts but let him go. He doesn’t deserve you and there is someone out there who will love you and care for you for all his life. Give it some time and trust in the Lord. He will take care of this and bring someone into your life that you deserve. God bless.
(USA) Chris in England: How is it going? I have the same exact problem. On Aug 22nd I found out my wife of 9 years has been having an emotional and sexual affair for 9 months. I am heart broken, mad, and very insecure. The affair was in many ways my fault – I did a lot of things wrong in our marriage but I didn’t deserve this and am really in love with her but having a lot of problems getting the thought of her with him out of my mind… how do you get past that???
(ENGLAND) Hi Stan, I’m sorry to hear of your problems. Truthfully, I cannot really give you any good advice as I’m still having big problems forgetting and forgiving what happened. I still love my wife completely, and I know she’s sorry for what she has done. However, the damage is done, and I don’t know if we can repair it.
Generally, things are better between us. We make better use of the time we spend together, and laugh more than we ever used to. Our sex life is better than ever, and strangely, it’s because I cannot get enough of my wife. Maybe I realise now what I had before. I nearly lost it.
Unfortunately, I do still have images pop into my head that I cannot shake. Every day I get sad over what happened, and it’s gotten to the point where I think about spending some time away from my wife. Maybe for a week, maybe permanent. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what happened, and I have to decide (as do you) if the effort of repairing the relationship is worth it.
So, that’s where I am. Struggling to come to terms with what happened. There are good moments between us, and when I’m happy, I know I can forgive her. When I’m sad though, I’m not so sure.
The only bit of advice I can give you though is if you decide to give your marriage another try, then put 100% into it. When I found out about the affair, I taped the confession of the other man, and have tortured myself over it… should I tell his wife (he just got married, maybe he had cold feet), should I tell everyone. It’s stopped me from letting go of the past and moving on with my life. So, if you have anything similar that reminds you of the affair, get rid of it. Move on. After 9 years, you owe it to yourself to at least try.
And if it doesn’t work, at least you can tell yourself you gave it 100%.
On a separate note, I want to say I was disgusted by the number of websites that give advice to women after their partners cheat, yet I’ve struggled to find a site that offers the same kind of support to men. Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life that people assume men are at fault for a relationship ending… even my family (who don’t know about my wife’s infidelity). They think I’ve had an affair because they know we have been having problems.
I think it’s a problem that should be addressed, as when I felt at my lowest, I really did contemplate suicide, partly because I didn’t know what else to do, partly because I felt so alone, and partly because I couldn’t get support from anywhere.
Anyway, rant over. Stan, and everyone else on here that’s had to suffer the shame, hurt and humiliation of infidelity, I hope you can work out your problems, and come out happy. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just all have to decide if the trip there is worth it. Speak soon all.
(USA) My heart is broken into a million pieces! Please help! My story and feelings are very similar to struggling. My husband of 23 years had an emotional affair for ten months. I am devastated! I have known since the end of July and it is still so painful. My husband is so, so sorry. He apologizes daily, tells me how much he loves me, how he was an idiot, he took me for granted… on and on and on.
I love him and will never leave him. He feels that God did this to us for good reason. So he could realize what a wonderful wife and family he has and how he took us for granted. It was a "wake up call". He is so excited about our future together and how good our marriage will be now that God has opened his eyes.
My problem is, he still says that his friend was just that… a friend. I do not believe him. He says he was not emotionally attached to her and the texting, coffee and calls were just because they both enjoyed the attention. They texted up to 30 times a day and sometimes talked 8 times.
I have spent hours going over and highlighting the phone bill. Our phone bill tells the location you are in when the call is made so I know when they met also. I have asked him 100’s of times what they talked about. He replies… just life. How are you, what are you doing today. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! I believe there was more and he is trying to prevent me from more hurt. I spoke and received texts from his so called friend. She told me that they flirted, talked, texted like they were in high school (they were high school classmates).
She also said how amazing he was and she was starting to like him "A LOT", in the same breath telling me all he talked about was his family. She also shared with me that they had discussed why they had not told us (spouses). She said that she is a Christian and her and my husband had discussed how they could not believe they were having these feelings. My husband says those were her words not him. But all the texts and phone calls… UGH! How could it not have been more then just friends? These are the things I am struggling with.
1. This women knows so much about our family and I know very, very little about what they talked about — where my kids go to school, where and when we went on vacation, what my children enjoy. It makes me so sick! I want to rip her head off! It is so painful! How do I get over the anger I feel towards her. I do not like the person I have become and it kills me. I feel like I lost ten months of my life. Please help me so I can try to heal. I am going to die!
2. I feel I need to know everything they did and talked about! I have tried to go over the bill with him so he will share more information and all he says is he does not remember. Also, he says that looking at the bill makes him sick and hurt also. How can you forget so quickly? For some strange reason I feel so strongly that I need to know everything to move forward. Why?
4. For the first time in my entire life I am insecure and I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have in my head. I am so jealous of her and the time they spent together. My husband says… but it is you I love, it is you I want, it is you I want to spend the rest of my life with… not her. He thinks I should just be able to think of our future together and the pain will just go away. Does it work that way?
3. TRIGGERS! All of these triggers all day long. The meeting place was Star Bucks so every time I see a Star Bucks, it triggers and the pain gets worse again (the pain is still there, it has never gone away it just gets worse at times).
She works at a popular clothing store so every time I see that store I think about it.
Oh, so many things… his phone (I bought him a new one because I could not stand the sight of that one). A family portrait we had taken during the affair… had to put it away. Every time I saw it all I could think about was that he was seeing her while we had it taken. Portraits of our children that were taken while they were seeing each other… on and on and on.
Oh, and probably one of the hardest is that her husband is the spokesperson for a local emergency department. He is on the radio and the news weekly! I have to listen to him. I feel sorry for the poor man. I do not believe he knows. I want to tell him about the "emotional affair" his wife had with my husband. How do you move past all the triggers?
Please help… we are going to marriage counseling but I feel that talking with people who have been through this might give me some good advice. Sorry for the rambling. God Bless… Broken Heart
(USA) Nice article, I have similar story. Its been some time since my girlfriend left for Europe. We met each other in NYC and spent years together. All of sudden she decide leave to go back to her hometown in Europe… Oh man, I was heart broken! The question how to get over a broken heart was and is on my mind every minute of the day. The truth is I still love her. I just hope for bright future.
(NIGERIA) Hi Broken heart, I’m sorry about your situation. I understand what you are talking about. I found myself in a similar situation. My husband dated 2 friends. Without their knowledge, he wanted kids from them. He even begged a Russian lady 8 yrs older with a 23 year old son to marry him. He was in the labor room with me when I gave birth to my last baby and all the pain I went thru, yet he in his heart named my baby after the Russian woman.
They are constantly in touch along with some others. Some times, they will flash him and he will call them in my absence and visa versa. He lied to me telling me he had to go to a club when he was outside the country. But in his mail to one of them he says " each time I get to the club I am always lonely because you are not there".
Recently, the Russian woman, who is a divorcee, sent some pics and a song to my husband. Answer me, if she was better than me would the husband have left her?
Broken heart, don’t believe those lies she told you about flirting with your husband and other things. They are tricks from her to make you divorce your husband. Tell the strange woman that it does not matter what your husband does, that you love him and will not divorce him for her or anyone else.
She is the daughter of the devil, a destroyer. Please don’t listen to her. Continue working and fighting for your marriage. God will see us thru because sometimes when I remember the past I feel like quitting, but our merciful God will handle everything. God bless you.
My husband has hurt me so much that I don’t trust him one bit, but I am holding on to God to rebuild the trust I had with him when we first started.
(CANADA) Hey all. I don’t normally post any comments here but I thought I should respond to you, broken heart. When I read your post I got upset for you because I’ve been where you are and I’ve had the same feelings that you’re having now and I’m still going through some of those feelings. Like you, my husband had an emotional affair with a woman from work and he took her out a lot and bought her a Christmas gift. I was angry and hateful but God worked in me and I told my husband that I forgave him. We had a lot of other stuff going on at the same time and I definitely wasn’t the perfect wife.
Unlike your husband, mine wasn’t remorseful at all and he said it. I realise that it’s not easy and it’s going to be a tough journey for you to let it go. I understand why you wanna know all the details. I asked him the same questions you’re asking now. I hated and still do the recent store that he bought her a gift from and the movie he took her.
What I want to advise you is that you need to pray a lot before all those feelings turn into bitterness that will poison you. I know it seems impossible now to forgive but ask God to show you how. I still have to ask God everyday to forgive me for my unforgiveness. With every memory there’s still some bitterness.
I’m repenting everyday because I had and have allowed those thoughts to manifest in my mind and it took away my joy and my husband noticed. That’s when I realised that the enemy knows my weakness — and it’s the affair, and he’ll use it to destroy me and my marriage. Please keep in mind that the devil will use this against you to keep you further away from God. Prayer is the best weapon to flee from the enemy.
Be honest with God about all that you feel. He already knows but He wants you to be down on your knees and He’ll see you through. I know it’s not easy but don’t let all those feelings manifest into something that will destroy you and your marriage.
Forgiveness has it’s stages and each stage comes differently – but it will set you free. Your days will get better with God’s help. I prayed for you so hard you’ll need to forgive both of them. God always turns hurtful and painful experiences into something unimaginable. If you can get STORMIE OMARTIAN’S -PRAYING THROUGH THE DEEPER ISSUES OF MARRIAGE, it’s a great book.
Read Matthew 18:35, and Psalms 34:17-18. I can give you a lot of Bible verses. Just let it guide you through this. Remember nothing is too hard for God.
Chris, hi, I read your post and I wanna tell you that God has really turned your marriage around. You say things are great – thank God for that and pray that God will help keep those images out of your mind. It’s sad what affairs do to people. All of you need is to trust in God. He understands the anger, pain, and bitterness. He just doesn’t want us to sin in anger. All He wants is for us to confess it all to Him and He’ll set us free. Hope this helps… love you all and God bless.
(USA) To Chris in England #37: Thanks for the reply. It sounds as though we are at about the same fork in the road, so wish us luck and God bless you.
(USA) Okay… here’s one I haven’t read and I don’t know what to do. My husband of 47 years confessed to me on Aug. 2 2007 that he had been unfaithful to me upwards of 60 times while in the Air Force and away from home very often. All but the first and the last were prostitutes. But the last was in our bed in our travel trailer that he was living in while away for several months. I asked many times over the years if he had been unfaithful more than the one time and he confessed to many years ago when he gave me a STD. He lied until Aug. 1, 2007.
He told me that it was 7 times. I told him that I finally believed him. Then the next morning he confessed to the others. As I asked him questions, he lied about small details but told me the truth about the most horrible facts…that he had slept in our bed with another woman he had picked up in a bar and slept with her all night. To add to it, he had sex with me in the same bed just weeks later when I went to be with him for a while.
He tells me that he just didn’t think of me at all before, during or after the "encounters". He shows no emotion about it… just tells me that he is sorry. I am enraged and am completely honest about my feelings. He just sits silent. How he can watch me sob and walk the floor, not sleeping, not eating, and never shed a tear is beyond me. I stay with him because I’m just not going to give up the comfortable surroundings I’m in now to move into a one-bedroom apartment for the rest of my life.
I have too many belongings that mean so much to me…family antiques, etc. that would not fit into any apartment I could afford and I refuse to give up those dear objects just because he is a jerk. He tells me that he loves me and always has. I tell him that one just doesn’t do this to someone who is loved. It has been 14 months and I still cry and rage.
I don’t know if I love him anymore. I just am not sure what love is. He tells me that I was an excellent wife and mother and that I didn’t do anything to cause this but always says,"I don’t know", when I ask him "WHY?????". I don’t think there is anyone who can help me, but it feels very good to just get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.
(ENGLAND) Hi Stan, Good luck mate, I think we’re both going to need it!
(AFRICA) I would like to know if the Bible allows divorce for emotional adultery, because it is just as bad as sexual one.
(US) Hello, I was reading some of the other stories and thought I would share and tell other that I feel their hurt in being lied to and betrayed. And the hurt and the anger is still there. When will that go away?
My husband for 23 years is a truck driver. And about 2 years ago before I started to drive with him, our daughter found a picture of him that he sent to an other woman. I was mad and hurt that he could send a picture like that to some one else. He said it was just a joke between he and this other driver. They just meet on the CB and was talking on the phone.
I asked if there were others and he told me no. So I forgave him thinking that you can find all kinds of pictures on the internet. Boy, was I wrong! About 5 months ago my husband came clean with the taking a shower and masturbating another woman that wanted to be a truck driver that he meet talking and telling jokes with on the CB. And then a year later another truck driver in the night wanting to get direction in a rest area. He said that she got in the truck and started rubbing his leg and privates and then they got in the back of the sleeper and had sex (just sex not making love).
He said he doesn’t know these women’s names. These both happened about 12 years ago. Then 7 years ago a woman in California bragged about giving the best oral sex on the CB. She followed him to a hotel that he had to stay at because he couldn’t unload for two days. Gave him 2. I don’t know how he could be so weak in not stopping these women and telling them no.
I love him but the distrust and respect is not there. I know they all happened years ago. But he has lied to me for 12 years. I should have had the chance before to decide if I wanted to stay or go. So now driving the truck with him is emotionally hard, especially sometimes when we stop in rest areas or go to the place in California. He said he told them that he loved me and was not going to leave me.
I don’t know what to do as I trusted him and asked years ago when he first started driving if he would ever cheat and he said no. I know that it goes on out there in the truck driving world. But he doesn’t even know their name. I can’t think that they have much respect for themselves. And I told him if it was that easy for them to do it with you don’t you think they might have done it before with others? He didn’t use a condom.
I know my story isn’t as bad as some but I still have hurt feelings and no respect for him. He says he loves me and always has. I say how can you do that to someone you love? I know they where only one time things with three different women that he didn’t know, but that is what is the hardest part. I told him if he went to Nevada, where it was legal, it would have been better. At least they are tested for STD’s.
I just wanted to tell some one about what I’ve been doing though for 5 months. Thanks for reading.
(ENGLAND) Why is it that so many people lay all the bad that happens in the world at the feet of the devil, yet when things go right, God is working a miracle?
Ann, I firmly believe that people are entitled to their beliefs, however you have no right to tell me that God is the reason that my marriage is working. It’s taken a lot of hurt, pain and suffering to get to where my wife and I are, and if you want to know the truth, my life still sucks. So is God responsible for that?
Marriage is hard work, and my wife and I have obviously failed at it… but if we manage to get things working again, then that is down to us too…not your God.
I came to this site searching for ways to help with the hurt after my wife’s infidelity, not for Bible lessons. I don’t mind at all if people tell the board that they took comfort in God…Good for them I say! I just don’t appreciate people directly telling me God is responsible for my marriage is working…if he’s responsible for the marriage working, don’t you think he should take responsibility for the marriage going sour in the first place????
(USA) Hi Chris, I wanted to say that I don’t believe Anne was trying to invalidate you or discount your feelings. Infidelity is definitely a large problem and a large hurt to the other spouse.
I wanted to clarify Anne’s statements (as I read them) and say that she is stating her beliefs as she sees them through the eyes of a Christian. Since this is a Christian web site, people here who are believers will quote from their personal spiritual beliefs as Christ has led them to that knowledge.
Perhaps you are not a believer? After reading your last post, it sounds like you disagree with the main beliefs that most Christians have. In answer to your last question, God does not take responsibility for the sins of humans because sin is the responsibility of the human who committed them. That is the knowledge found in the bible. It is a basic tenet of Christianity that most Christians subscribe to.
I’m sure Anne was not trying to make anything personal – she was speaking as a Christian who believes in scriptures of the bible. I believe she was speaking to you under the assumption that you were a believer. It seems after reading both of your comments that perhaps there is a misunderstanding on that point and that is probably the reason for the unintentional offense.
Chris, no one here is trying to force Christianity on you if that is not your desire. But the people who do post here are by and large Christians so they will tend to speak from that frame of reference and we tend to assume people posting are also subscribing to the tenets of Christianity. It is not our job to convert you if it is not your choosing and if you do not feel led by God to subscribe to those beliefs. It sounds like you do not subscribe to Christianity (although I’m making an assumption so I could certainly be misinformed myself).
I think what happened was a misunderstanding on that front.
Hopefully there are no hard feelings on either side. For future reference, Chris, people here will generally be inclined to share the thoughts with you based on the tenets of the Bible so that is something to be aware of when you leave more comments.
Peace and blessings to all, LT
(US) Hi Anne, I apologize that I have not responded to your kind words before now. I am so glad you responded to my questions and I am so sorry that you have had to endure the pain of a emotional affair also. I pray daily for everyone who is struggling with this issue….it is so, so painful.
My husband and I are doing O.K… not good just O.K. We have both turned to God and I am trying to heal my heart and forgive my husband. I pray daily to God and ask him to help me forgive my husband for his emotional affair… I feel like such a failure that it is so difficult for me. I am not doing well with the forgiveness part and I know that that is the key to our happiness.
I think my husband is growing impatient with me and that worries me. My husband tells me to come to him when I feel sad and I do… but last night he had a little breakdown and said he feels that I am not trying as hard as I could be to move on. He feels I dwell on his affair. If I would just think of our future and not the past it will be o.k.
I have tried to think of our future… all I can think about is him and her together. I just am so so hurt and angry! I feel the devil in my soul and I continue to try to be strong and fight for God’s love in my soul! I know God loves me and died on the cross for me and so we could learn to forgive others. So, since my husband got upset with me last night I decided I am not going to go to him any longer when I feel sad (which is OFTEN! I feel I have a rock in my stomach 24/7).
This will be hard because he is the only one I feel I can go to when I need strength but I can not put him through it any longer… he says his pain is just as great as mine or greater because he caused my pain. He gets so upset I just can not do it to him any longer… IT KILLS ME! I will just have to continue praying and lean on God more, I know he loves me and he will fill my heart with happiness again one day… when I can learn to let go of the past and forgive my husband.
I hope you do not mind if I ask you a couple of questions?
Do you still love your husband as much as you did before his emotional affair? To be honest I am not sure that I do anymore… this also makes me sad.
Did your husband tell you everything they discussed and how he felt about her? My husband say’s he has but I do not believe him… I feel I need to know everything to move forward and he just will not tell me everything. Am I asking too much?
Thank you and God Bless… Broken Heart
(US) I wish this site would e-mail the person you posted a comment to so they were aware of it. I know a lot of them that do.
(US) Hi Brokenheart – I have read your posts and identify and feel your pain and sadness. So, this reply is not just for your benefit but for mine as well. (I hope I remember to take my own advice…lol)
The love that’s spoken of in the Bible, especially in the New Testament, is a little different from the love that we, as romantic fools, struggle with every day. That’s agape love… and that’s the love that we really need to pull out all the stops for in times like these. These times that force us to our knees, calls for prayer for agape love – not the love we’re used to "feeling" or not feeling for someone or from someone.
Agape love is not based on feelings, which are mercurial and can change from moment to moment. It’s based on the Lord’s request that we seek the good of the person we’re praying for – whether we actually "feel" it or not. For instance, I’ve found myself praying for my "idiot" husband to the Lord through gritted teeth… asking Him to give him more wisdom and guidance about the choices in his life. The Lord knows how I feel – how you feel. He knows how hard it is for us and appreciates that we pray ANYWAY. Praying through the pain, through the confusion, through the need to control the situation, ourselves, others… but choosing, through agape love, to hand it over to Him instead.
I know this seems like not much to hold onto right now – and, as I said, I’m preaching to myself at the same time. But I have found in the 57 years of my life – and especially in the past 15 years or so of born-again bliss – that Time and God will take care of much of our frustration, anxiety and grief. Trust not only Him – but you and your relationship with Him – that he will lead us in the right direction always.
And don’t ever forget. God loves the sinner just as much as He does the one who is hurt by the sinner. That’s often difficult to comprehend but it helps to remind me that it is selfish to not pray for him – the Lord has His own timetable for all of us and our salvation. Perhaps it will be that one more prayer that will save your hubby. Love, Mo
(ENGLAND) I am 23 and have recently found out that my husband of 7 years has been having an affair for 10-12 months with a woman the same age as me from work. I found his secret phone in his work pocket with photos of them snogging on the front and 50 sexual messages on his phone.
We have 3 children together 5 yrs, 3 yrs and, 7 months and I was 4 months pregnant when it began. I suspected it after finding emails but he denied everything. His behaviour changed he treated me like crap and because of the pregnancy my self esteem was so low, I put up with it.
I continued living feeling so worthless for the sake of our children. I never looked through his belongings because I felt guilty of not trusting him. My head was telling me about the affair, too many things didn’t add up, but my heart said he couldn’t do this he wouldn’t. My friends and family also said he’s not the type, he loves you so much. I thought I was going mad.
Now that I know about it, there is relief that I wasn’t going mad, but I never thought I could hurt this much, or feel the pain anger and bitterness that I feel right now. He’s been living with his mum for 4 weeks and we started counselling. But we have two good days as a family where I see a future then I hit an anger/emotional wall and I can’t help but ask questions about it and about their sex life amongst other things, as this is the biggest thing I’m trying to deal with.
I can do the whole friendship side but as soon as he tries to kiss me I can’t cope. I just see them, her, him, he’s no longer my husband he’s hers!
Will things ever return? Will I learn to forget enough to move forward with the intimacy?
(USA) Emily, I feel for you girl and my heart cries with you as I read your post. Honey do you believe in the Lord? God is able. He is the only one who is able, and no situation is bigger than He is. I can understand that you’re hurting, I can’t say that I understand your pain because that would be impossible.
Honey, I will be praying for you. Don’t stop praying and as hard as it may be don’t stop praying for your husband. I recommend that you check out the book. The power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian. It’s awesome. There is a sample of it as well as some great comments on this site under the "For married women" Section. The Ladies there are very supportive to and can relate to what your going through.
Emily, I recommend that you stop asking questions about what your husband did with this other woman. You’re only hurting yourself more. Just give you anguish to God and let Him handle it. You already know what happened, hearing all of the details will only cause you to feel more secluded and unloved. If your husband is willing to stop talking to this woman and go to counseling with you than he is trying.
Let God work and trust HIM. The devil is going to use those feelings of hurt, hopelessness, and despair against you especially now. I pray that the Lord Protects you. In Jesus Name, AMEN!
Love Ya, Love LYNNE
Check out 1 Corinthians 13. I think it’ll give some comfort.
(UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON) I just wanted to respond to Chris’s message which was left on 12th October 2008.
Hi Chris, when I read your post I just felt I should reply. Obviously I’m a complete stranger so you might just completely ignore what I write but that’s ok. I really hope you read what LT wrote because I thought it was spot on and hopefully you didn’t take offense to anything that was written.
This is a Christian site and obviously people just assume that those who come on here have some form of Christian belief and so obviously feel that when things are good it is God’s will happening, which might sound silly to someone who doesn’t believe in God or the Bible.
I was quite sad to read how you felt. I don’t think that God is responsible for the fact that you feel your life sucks. I don’t know the full story, just that your wife has deeply hurt you by having an affair and has completely turned your life upside down. But of course you still love her and want to do what you can to make things work between you.
I believe that God does have a plan for us, but we all have free will and therefore must be held accountable for our choices. Your wife chose to go and have an affair knowing what the consequences would be, knowing the hurt and pain it would cause you, but she did it anyway.
God didn’t force her into the bed of another, she made that choice so I don’t think you can blame God for the pain and suffering. You can blame your wife for her wrong choice.
I’m telling you that when you cried, God cried with you. Every ounce of pain you felt, God felt it with you. Every minute of pain you felt and continue to feel, God feels it with you.
Think about something, when things are good in our lives why is that??? You and your wife obviously had some great times. It wasn’t your choice to meet her was it? But it happened. You ended up at the right place at the right time which brought the two of you together. But the rest was down to the two of you, and still is. When things are bad, it doesn’t just happen, it happens because of some else’s choice which then affects you. In this case your wife, not God.
God can’t take responsibility for your marriage going wrong, because it’s not God’s doing. It’s not the devils either because even the devil doesn’t have the power to force us to do things. God doesn’t take all the credit for your marriage being good either. That’s down to the hard work of you and your wife.
However, as Christians we believe that God does take credit for us being good if we let him, which in turn helps us to do the right things. But we are bound to sin because unfortunately it’s within our nature.
I’ll briefly tell you my story, on my 2nd wedding anniversary my husband confessed that he had a sexual addiction, on 3 separate occasions he’d gone into men’s public toilets and had oral sex performed on him by complete strangers. 1 occasion was on his oldest brother’s wedding day while I was with our 2 daughters at the reception. Then more terrible things about pornography etc came to light.
I know you understand the betrayal I feel because you’ve felt it too. But how can I blame God for what my husband chose to do? I’m disgusted by him. He’s tainted everything I believed about us and is just a liar. His been a Christian for about a year and even he can not blame God or the devil for his actions. We’re trying to work things out, but it’s just so so hard. What I want to do is run a billion miles away from him but how can I?
I’m not perfect, I’ve never done anything like what he has done to me, I would never betray him like that, but how I can expect to gain forgiveness for the wrongs i do if i can’t forgive others? And God knows I’ve had so many people to forgive. At times I think I was put on this earth purely to suffer.
I’m sorry to have gone on for so long, but I’m finding that reading other people’s stories and replying is helping me. Hopefully you don’t think I’m talking complete rubbish. Even if only 1 line makes any sense to you I’ll be happy.
I truly hope that if it’s what you want, that things for you and your wife work out. Please remember that it should be on your terms because she wronged you. She may be making it up to you for the rest of your lives, but that’s the path she chose, and the same goes for my husband.
People need to take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming God and the devil. Yes I do believe that the devil makes bad circumstances at times, but we have the power to say NO.
Take care of yourself.
caroline
(UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON) Emily, I’m so sorry for you and your babies for what your husband has done. You do not deserve this.
I remember being pregnant with my girls and it was the worst time of my life. I felt disgusting but I cannot imagine having to deal with thinking my husband was cheating.
I know how it feels to be betrayed by the one you love. Your husband should have been there for you, but he chose do the wrong thing by you.
It’s been 4 months since I found out about my husband’s betrayal and I’m still just as angry, ashamed, sad etc as I was on the day he told me. I have good days and bad days, and on the bad days I wanna rip his head off, but on the good days I see the loving man I married.
If he’s willing to work on you marriage and you feel you want to. then try. But it’s not gonna be easy.
He needs to let you know where he is every minute of every day if necessary, until the time comes when you feel he doesn’t need to do so any more. But that day may not come. It’s about you and the children now. He did the wrong thing so therefore he has to do everything he can to fix it.
He has to keep saying sorry every day until those words find their way into your heart and you actually start to believe them. These are the things I expect of my husband who has betrayed me and cut me so deep. It feels like the wounds will never heal, but I know that God will not let me lead a life full of pain every day.
I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but I have found that reading my Bible has helped me so much. Plus I’ve bought books on healing after a betrayal. Also, it may help if you write your feelings down in a journal, even if it’s full of hateful words, because at least then those word are not staying in your heart.
On Monday my husband and I had a huge fight and I wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I was feeling. It wasn’t nice but it was the truth. On that day I was ready to leave him forever, but I had been bottling my feelings for weeks and pretending everything was ok, and eventually it reached boiling point.
On another occasion I wrote down every emotion I was feeling on an A4 piece of paper, loss, sadness, anger, betrayed, revenge and so many more, it made me feel so much better. Please try it.
I’m gonna pray for you and the children every day, because although I don’t know you, I know your pain, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worse enemy. Take care ok?
Caroline
(UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON) This is a prayer I’ve been saying on a daily basis, especially when memories of my husband’s betrayal start to come back to me. I want to forgive him and with the help of my Lord Jesus Christ I will. My best friend gave it to me and it’s been such a comfort, so please anyone who is suffering just as I am, copy this onto a piece of paper and take it with you EVERYWHERE.
Lord Jesus,
Thank you for caring about how much my heart has been hurt.
You know the pain I am feeling from … (offenders name)
Right now I release all that pain into Your hands.
Thank you, Lord, for dying on the cross for me
and extending Your forgiveness to me.
As an act of Your will, I choose to forgive … (offenders name)
Right now, I take … (offenders name) off my emotional hook,
and I place this person on Your hook.
I refuse all thoughts of revenge.
I trust that in Your time and in Your way
You will deal with my offender as You see fit.
And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power
to forgive so that I can be set free.
In Your precious name I pray, Amen.
Also my friend sent me a passage from one of Bishop T.D Jakes’ books which might be helpful, I hope it is.
We can no longer ostracize the victim and let the assailant escape! Every time you see some insecure, vulnerable, intimidated adult who has unnatural fear in his eyes, low self-esteem or an apologetic posture, he is saying, "Carest thou not that I perish?" Every time you see a bra-less woman in men’s jeans, choosing to act like a man rather than to sleep with one; every time you see a handsome young man who could have been someone’s father, walking like someone’s mother – you may be looking child abuse in the face. If you think it’s ugly, you’re right. If you think it’s wrong, you’re right again. If you think it can’t be healed, you’re dead wrong! If you look closely into these eyes I’ve so feebly tried to describe, you will sense that something in this person is weak, hurt, maimed or disturbed… but fixable.
May the lord continue to heal all those wounded hearts, wipe away the tears we cry and replace the pain with love. Caroline XoX
(USA) Wow!! It’s amazing to find out that people actually go through a lot of the same issues. I can identify most with Emily, I’m 28 with 3 children 8,6 and 3 and I found out that my husband’s affair a yr ago. My husband didn’t tell me anything his sister told me. The "icing on the cake" is that the other woman was pregnant. Her name came up a couple of times through paperwork that I’ve seen around but when I asked my husband about her he said that she was his friend’s sister and was involved with another one of his friends.
We’ve been married for almost 6 yrs and yes, he denied it up until the paternity test proved otherwise. I know what the Bible says about divorce but I’m having a hard time getting over the pain and hurt that he’s caused. He’s apologized but I still feel betrayed. I’ve tried to get over the hurt but it’s hard because every time I think I can move, I can’t because there’s another child involved that isn’t mine.
(USA) Good article.
Recently I’ve had a couple friends ask me for advice. In a nutshell…they were engaged. They also had another "friend" who was jealous. Basically, this "friend" lied and told her that her fiancee was cheating. The problem was that her fiancee was half way across the country with no way to defend himself.(Finishing up his degree.) Not true…I can vouch for it personally.
Well, they broke up, and she ended up marrying this other "friend". Now here it is four years and two kids later, and she has finally realized and admitted that her husband had lied. Of course me and some friends helped get the truth out with hard evidence.
Now she cant decide if she wants a divorce or not. Her original fiancee says he still loves her, but is furious with her. Primarily for not giving him a chance to defend himself.
Would this situation also be an accurate description of the emotions described in the article? Should she stay married? Even if it was initially under false pretenses? Pointers would be appreciated.
(USA) My wife cheated on me while I was serving in Iraq. I keep asking myself, why me Lord. I thought I had everything together before I left to go to Iraq. I moved her back in with her parents. We just had a baby boy so I’m thinking everything is good. I asked her to tell me if she ever feels the need to want to have an affair, but she didn’t.
I found out by going through her email on the laptop, and in her email she said that she didn’t want me to find out about it, so it would not hurt me. But hurt is not the word to use. I thought I had a strong woman in the Lord but I guess I was blind. Now she wants to rush and try to work things out.
Somebody please tell me, if you cut the affair off with that person, isn’t it true that you would not send them anymore emails or want to know how they are doing? She sent him an email 3 months before I came home asking how he was, but she tells me that she doesn’t want him anymore.
(USA) I have been reading what everyone has posted. Let me just say, I know what you are going through.
It has been 2 years since my husbands disclosure of his addiction to pornography. I was hurt and devastated to learn about this secret life of my husband. I had no idea anything was going on. I don’t want to go into gory details, but I know about all the emotions, grief, and anger that you go through. Let me say, with God’s help, that can pass. It is a day by day journey. You can do it. Give everything to God, and you can make it. It is not an easy journey. I am living proof that it is possible to make it through it.
My journey has taken me to start a support group for women that have been betrayed in their marriage, at my church. My husband who is free from his addiction is the leader in his men’s accountability group as well.
You, as the betrayed spouse, need to find a place like a support group in your area, preferably a Christian one, so that you can find sound teaching, and people that you can share your struggles with. Let me also say that your husband needs to be in a men’s accountability group to help him in his healing. He also needs to be completely honest about his betrayal. Let me caution you to only ask what you really need to know. Meaning you don’t need to know all the gory details. This is something most people do, and let me tell you the images can haunt you. I know, because I wanted to know. I had to pray through the images that satan was cramming into my head. Eventually, they would pass, and not come as much. God can get you through. God can get your husband through as well.
Our 2 year journey took us from a dead marriage to the most incredible marriage we could have ever imagined. My group that I lead grows every time I start it up again. I am so happy though to see the work God is doing in each person’s life.
I pray that God will sustain you in your darkness. Cry out to God, and He will pull you through. I pray that through all of this that you are going through, you will find a deeper connection with God in the process.
Take care, and thanks for reading.
(USA) I have been reading all of your posts and I really need some prayer along with advice.
I have been married for 7 years and 3 years after my marriage I had an affair with someone from my past. He was my childhood sweetheart and I was struggling with my marriage at the time. I knew what I had done was wrong and afterward I ended all contact with the person I had the affair with. Even though my husband and I were talking about divorce all the time and fighting non stop I knew that it was no excuse for what I had done.
I just came clean with my husband about the affair a few weeks ago. I felt like the Lord wanted me to come clean about my betrayal and so I told my husband. He first asked me about the affair and then he did not want to talk about it anymore.
Now he is very angry and he has thrown a few things around in the house and I am not sure if this is normal or if I should be worried.
If any of you have gone through this, please let me know what I can expect next. We have 2 children and I worry about the anger.
(US) He only told me the truth after years of accusing me of infidelity. He was forced to tell the truth only after the threat of his niece telling me. It was his brother’s death bed request to take care of his wife’s sexual needs, and that is exactly what he did. She has no remorse whatsoever and says she pretends it is her dead husband. The subject is avoided at all cost and I’m hurt and sad beyond belief.
I can’t seem to get beyond this. I have no idea who I am. We have been married 33 years with 10 grandchildren. I don’t even feel that I can be a good Grandmother anymore. We did go to the Priest, which was the worst mistake I could have made. I was told I should believe my husband because he believed him, and I was to say at the least a decade of the Rosary a day and when I received the blessing of forgiveness. It was my job to help my husband to forgive himself! There are so many details in this nightmare. HELP!!!!!!
(USA) Within the first 5 years I was confronted with a face to face with both my wife and her lover that they loved each other. His sister was present and assisted my wife in that the affair was wonderful; they were made for each other. This man divorced his wife and broke up a marriage with two wonderful young children. He continued seeing my wife and then went away.
I found that my wife had seen him again several years later while on vacation and stayed at my mother’s house. This was really more sad to know your own family would tolerate such action.
Well several years went by and no contact that I was aware of and after adopting a precious child, within a year this man reappeared, married to a second wife and a young child with her. This time it started again. We divorced and five years later they married, but only lived together one month, but remained married for 10 years.
I was betrayed, but stupid enough to continue. Do not go there. End the relationship, and contact and go on with your life. I wasted 20+ years of my life.
(USA) I am almost thirty and almost two years ago my husband and high school sweetheart of over 12 years left me. I had just gave birth to our second son and had a 7 year old too. This all happened after our neighbor and friend was killed on his doorstep. Immediately after the death (two weeks later) I found out that he was having a little too much contact with the widow. When I confronted him he said they were just friends, but he thought he felt more. One night he left my house with her and the kids to bowl. When he came back I asked him to get his things and leave.
I started to call the girl myself and asked her numerous times to stop calling my husband. At first she said she would or that he would always call her. Later, she said he didn’t want to be with me so it didn’t matter who he talked to. She continued trying to say they were only friends. Finally, I found out the truth through my son, who says he took him to her house and saw them kissing. I filed for divorce.
Almost a year and a half later, he came to my doorstep crying and asking me to take him back. We are divorced by his choice, I reminded him. He said he wanted his family back together and that what he had done was wrong. I already had moved on with my life and started to go to church. (I was raised not to believe in anything.) It was hard. So I told him I would try. When I realized that I just couldn’t get over what he had done, I told him I didn’t want it. He promised everything and said he would wait. I asked if the other girl was still present and he said no. One day he found me with my girlfriends at a restaurant and said he was ashamed of me for being out and that I was a horrible mother. He spit in my face and kicked my back. He then went to my parents house and told them lies about me. The next day was Christmas Eve, he came to my house to drop off the kids with the girl in the car. They have been back together since.
I am devastated. This guy not only left me when I needed him the most after I had a baby, but completely stripped me of everything I worked for. I couldn’t live at my house (she lived across the street) so I had to live with my parents, in one room with both boys. The car was under his name so I had to give it to him. He even kept the dog. Now, he is trying to take me to court claiming that I am an unfit mother and he should have full custody. What is wrong with this world? I never did anything wrong. Yet, I am the one sitting alone in my room without my kids (his weekend) and feeling like jumping out of my window.
I wanted to believe when he came back that it was for real, but I knew he still had her lingering in case I didn’t. I was right and this was only 3 months ago. Now, I have to deal with that heartache again and fight at court and see him with her at my son’s baseball games. It’s hard not to want to choke her. But, I have a profession and I would never do anything to ruin my career. She knows that and taunts me. I just want peace in my mind and heart. I don’t want to think about it anymore at all. I would never take him back EVER, but I still love him so much and can’t get over the betrayal. WHAT DO I DO???
Jim- I don’t want to waste anymore years of my life… But, I dwell in pain.
(UNITED STATES) I have experienced the same betrayal that you have all felt but not by infidelity. I have always trusted my spouse throughout our 10 years of marriage to handle our finances. I trusted him so much to the point that I accepted whatever he told me and never looked at anything because I trusted that he was an honest person that would never hurt me or my children. My husband was a very giving person. He was the type that would give anyone the shirt off of his back or a plate to someone else before taking it for himself. I always thought at times that he was too giving. He would think with his heart and not his head.
He was also very obsessive about order and neatness and paying bills on time. He was the glue of our family. He ran a personal business for his family that was not the greatest income for our family but he stayed partially as I thought because his parents had no retirement except for Social Security and their business, which had to file a business bankruptcy reorganization. I had even worked a second job to help out with expenses for upgrades to our home.
I finally felt one day he was not telling me something when I asked him about our money. He came home and landed a bomb on me that we were $280,000 in the hole, which is 3 times our annual income. He had all of the credit cards bills going to his office, which is why I did not know. He put cash advances in the joint account so that when I looked at the checkbook I thought we had no problems with money.
As I started to research things, of course, he did not ever come completely clean. I found out that he had a on online gambling addiction that he later attributed to stupidity and being drunk. He never even felt he had a problem after gambling over $150,000 away. He went to gambling counseling for 3 months after my urging but I truly think he believes his actions were a mental lapse of judgment.
He also invested money in his parents’ failing business without my consent. He said he did it without telling me because he knew I would say "no". I later found out that he ran up $100,000 of debt in my name by forging my name on checks and opening up Credit card accounts in my name. He wrote a check to himself from me for $40,000. He also brought me to get a second mortgage that I thought we were using to pay off about $10,000 worth of credit card bills. After I trusted him in getting it, I thought it would just sit there. No, he drained $98,000 of it in 2 weeks. He intentionally brought me there to set it up so he could drain it to pay off his credit card debts.
I am so angry that I am still enraged after a year. I filed for divorce and have two young kids. He blames me for the divorce and says that I never gave him a second chance and I should remember all of the good things he did for me in our marriage. He was a very unselfish husband in our marriage. He would do things for me that a lot of husband would not do for their wife. It still floors me that someone could be so giving and loving, yet so deceitful and hurtful. I just do not understand how someone could have two extremes to their personality and only the good side truly overtly showing. I do not see him ever fully acknowledging the magnitude of what he has done.
Because of him, I have had to file bankruptcy. I have no equity in my home that at one point I had about $100,000 of equity. I cannot get a loan to move. Keep in mind, I am an upper-middle class person that feels very humiliated. I feel like I have been charged with a crime that I did not do. I have no credit left thanks to him. My biggest mistake as a wife was having full trust in my husband. He knew how much I trusted him to take care of our finances and took advantage of it.
It angers me that he did this to me and my children. Of course, he does not think he has done anything to the kids. He says this has nothing to do with his love for us. I do not understand that because I would have too much love for my family that I would never do the actions that he did because my love for them would stop me. I am now seeing the idiot that I married and I wonder if any of our relationship was real because I am now seeing that he shows only what he wants to show and hides the rest. His father did the same to his mother, which of course, I did not discover until later in our marriage.
He is also very mean at times and emotionally abusive. He sends me spiteful e-mails, which makes getting over my anger that much harder. I feel trapped in anger and rage and just as I feel I am starting to move forward with a new life alone. He has more hurtful comments to pour salt on the wounds more. I will have to spend the next 14 years dealing with this man. I do not know how to get over my anger and rage especially since I am still suffering from the financial consequences of his actions.
The biggest lesson I have learned from this is never fully trust someone even your spouse especially when it comes to money. I do not know how I will ever be able to trust anyone in the future. I feel like how a child would feel if they were betrayed by their parent. My husband, I thought, did not have a mean bone in his body and if someone like that can do this, then I feel, who can you trust?
There were no signs really that I can look back on that would show that I should have known this was going on. He never changed a thing about himself. His demeanor was the same and his spending was the same even while he was in all of this debt. There were no warning signs.
I do not think our marriage is able to be fixed because I do not believe I will ever be able to get over emotionally what he has done to me. It would be a roller coaster of hell that I do not feel is fair to me or my kids to have to endure. I feel if I stay anytime he is mean to me I will think of what he has done and think, "how dare you". I am worth more and do not deserve to spend a life going through this turmoil. I hope my story is helpful to others and if anyone has any advice on how to get past the anger and trust again, let me know.
(PHILIPPINES) I can truly relate from all that has been mentioned here. I just recently learned of my wife’s betrayal. We have been married for 10 years and have three children already. A 10 yr old boy, 5 yr old girl and 9 month old baby girl.
Our marriage from the start was full of turmoil but we managed to stay together for 10 years. I saw so many signs of infidelity and dishonesty from her side but I tried to ignore them or just tell myself it’s not true or she is not capable of such. At times I would confront her but she would just provide me more lies. In order for me to no longer get hurt I just stopped asking although the doubt was always there. I tried to trust her but from time to time I would see the lack of love, respect or honesty on her side and that would result in arguments between the two of us.
In fairness to her this time she did tell me that she was having an affair. What hurts so much is that she is so indifferent of the pain she has caused me and she continues to lie about things. Now what she wants is for her to have custody of the kids since I am working far from home. I further found out that she neglected our kids in view of the illicit relationship. Worst she and her partner even told me that before their relationship my wife has had other affairs. Affairs I had some suspicions of but just closed my eyes to.
I have accepted partially the loss of my wife and that this marriage no more. I love my children deeply and tell my kids that no matter what their mother has done they should respect her still. She wants custody of the kids and as a mother I know she has the right but can’t trust her to raise our children correctly and that she would not neglect them after everything she has done. All I can do now is pray that I do the right thing and that my decisions are sound for the sake of my children.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) I was betrayed about 5 years ago. My husband has since given his life to the Lord shortly thereafter and is now “walking in the Light”. I’m happy for him- but even years after, my anger towards him is so profuse that I’m becoming a cancer to the very family I’ve dreamed of having with him. I have 2 very young children and I am so fearful of our future even though my husband is doing everything he can to prove that he will not hurt me again.
I’ve also allowed my hurt to affect my relationship with God. I know that I should lean on Him no matter what but, I’m still so resentful towards my husband that I can’t seem to move on… We are trying, but I need help so desperately. I just want to be freed from all this bitterness. Please pray for me.
(PHILIPPINES) Dear Lilly, I know how difficult it is to accept that someone you care so much about hurt you. Before you can forgive you must first learn to accept such. I understand where you are coming from when you say that your relationship with God has been affected. It will never be easy and your husband can only do so much. God has a purpose for everything we may not understand it now but in time we will surely understand.
I suggest you seek counseling so that you can understand better where the resentfulness is coming from. You say you see that your husband is doing everything to prove to you he has changed and that he will no longer hurt you. I know that one thing keeping you from forgiving is the fear that you would get hurt again. Well if you continue the way you are others may not be able to hurt you coz you are already numb from hurting yourself.
I will include you in my prayers. God Bless.
(USA) I am thinking of all of you and hoping that things improve . It has been 3 years since my husband came home at 10:00 and said out of the blue “I’m not happy.” He left me that night with a 3 and 5 year old. No one saw this coming and people still don’t believe that we are divorced. We had a pretty good life, or so I thought. The woman whom he is now married to worked with him. It was as if she just moved right into my life.
They show no remorse or empathy. How does this happen to good people? I thought I was the best wife I could be. People tell me he’s crazy.. I guess you never get over divorce. I have tried to forgive but I have a constant fear that they will try to take over my family. I know its weird but I feel like they both ruined my marriage and maybe they will try to take my kids away from me. I cant seem to get past this although I pray really hard.
(USA) Wow! This page is like group therapy! I have finally sought therapy, actually. I found out last January that the man who was telling me he was going to marry me and calling himself my fiance and supposedly preparing his children (14, 18 and 19) for all of us to become a family this summer, etc., was still meeting women on line! He claimed they are just his friends but admits that he did not tell them about me. He did not tell them he was involved with anyone.
But suddenly, at the end of our week in Switzerland while he was pushing me to get naked with him, his fantasies about when and where we would marry went from May to June to July, to September to maybe next year. He is the president and founder of a large missions based ministry and we shared the same vision for Asia. I hadn’t dated anyone for four years and told God I didn’t want to date anyone except my future husband. But I totally felt called to this man.
So, it totally shook my faith in God, faith in ministry, as well as making me feel angry and betrayed.
God took me deep into Ezekiel 36 and spoke to me about allowing Him to take the ruins of my life and to allow Him to fortify the ruins, so the sheep would come back into the folds and life would flourish. I keep thinking I have given my anger at his refusal to take responsibility for the destruction he has brought into my life (and I now know of women in at least four other states and five other countries he has done the same thing to) and I get so angry! And my pastor’s now deceased father had supported this guy in his ministry once. And he publishes that man’s letter of support on his websites. I totally used that connection to gain my trust.
And so, I am so convinced that failure to forgive, failure to give freely the grace, mercy and forgiveness I have been given will only bring health and happiness problems on myself and do nothing to solve the problem. It can only be in God’s hands now, to send a spirit of conviction to correct this calloused man’s heart, who has somehow planted over 6000 churches now!
I am still so in disbelief and shock and it’s been nearly five months and I need to get on with it. I don’t want to carry this. But I can’t seem to let it go and give it to God either. And I don’t really know who to seek help from? I am going in June to pastoral counseling at my church. But I feel weird about it, since this guy is using my church to build credibility for his own ministry, know what I mean?
Will someone pray for me?
(USA) Wow, it’s interesting and strangely comforting hearing these stories. I hate that a man of the church could do this — the one place you go for refuge and can trust. However, my dad always says you can’t trust anyone but yourself. I always thought he was crazy but I think what he really meant was you can’t trust anyone but God.
I don’t have any good advice Maria on how to let it go. I have been working on that for 3 years. I hope the church counseling helps. Please give any tips. I also had Christian counseling after my husband left. It was wonderful talking to someone who cared but never really gave any solid advice. I think they expect you to figure it out on your own. I guess that’s what we are doing here. Good luck. I will pray for you.
(UNITED STATES) This also happens to men. I checked my phone records and discovered a high amount of calls to a particular number. I called the number to discover my wife was seeing another man who did not know she was married. I called the number and he was shocked. He told me he does not believe in dealing with a married lady.
At that time, she is knocking at his door. He asked her was she married. She said no. He told me she said no. I told him my marriage date and he asked how I got the number. I told him thru call records. I told him she was driving the car I was buying and described the car. She then admitted she was married and he made her get on the phone. She was supposed to pick me up from work but was running late. Now I know why.
I have been left at my mom’s house due to her saying she was tired from working opposite shifts as I do and all of the running around between me and her daughter. I see why she was tired. I am visibly, mad, upset, and hurt. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. She denies sexual contact and only wanted someone to talk to. I later found in my glove box Google map directions to his house. With this information, not only I have where she has been, but the name of this individual.
She is acting angry, like she is the victim because we were having communication problems. I rather for you to leave first. What is odd, she says she does not want me but got upset when I grabbed the car afterward to get away for peace of mind. She now makes sure I get picked up everyday and don’t stray too far from home.
I am willing to talk about our situation but she is not. She is embarrassed and angry as to how I discovered her indiscretions. I am working on me and one day will overcome this with or without her. She hurt my soul and I will never let that happen again. No matter what problems you have, infidelity in never the answer. The guy she was cheating with does not want anything to do with her. I’m still trying to get over the shock and decide what is my next step.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently found out that my husband is having an affair and a baby with the lady. I have always known that he was cheating as he is hardly home. If he does come it will be the early hours of the morning. He has done this for the whole 14 years we have being together, but I never thought that he could go out and start another family.
I’m so torn apart. I even spent 5 months in the hospital because of depression and bipolar. He says he will never do it again; he does not want a divorce, but to be honest I don’t think he will ever change. I don’t think he can leave without cheating as he’s used to it. People say I look great but they do not know that I’m slowly dying inside. I battle to sleep because when I’m alone I cry for no reason. Please help. I do not know what to do.
(USA) I was widowed at the age of 27. I remarried a year later and he has recently cheated on me. I can honestly say that dealing with the betrayal was a lot harder than dealing with death but they are very similar. I have been looking for something to help me feel normal in my healing process. This has helped me understand that everything I am going through is ok.
(ENGLAND) I have read these comments after suffering the most pain in my life. Married for 10 years I found out my wife was having a relationship by email and phone for at least seven years. When I confronted her she denied ever doing anything inappropriate. When faced with the evidence it was clear she was an active participant.
We were a young couple struggling financially and all I wanted to do was provide for my family. It was hard but my little family was enough for me, to find an email indicating that the discussion was sordid, and unclean. We have had two children since this started – and it makes you doubt everything. Years ago when we were just going out – we seemed to go through a difficult patch (unknown to me), my girlfriend was having a relationship with someone else. She said that our relationship had ended already. I felt so much pain (I couldn’t talk to anyone). I had a dream of her drifting towards a waterfall and I had reached out my hand and grabbed her hand.
I am not a believer, but something told me I had to tell her to reestablish her links with God. I don’t know where that came from – but I just had to guide her that way. I later let her back into my life and we subsequently married (although I knew she could cause me pain, I thought what we had and the strength of God would be enough). I pictured me holding her hand before the waterfall, but the strength has left me to hold her anymore.
Now I feel that pain again, it’s so much more. I am so sorry I haven’t got the strength to do this anymore. The emptiness I feel is indescribable. My children need me but I haven’t the strength to do this again – I cannot feel anymore pain. I really need help now and don’t know where to turn. Any words of advice or inspiration would be heartfelt.
(USA) At the end of January this year (2009) my husband, who was a pastor of a church for almost 20 years told me that he had a “friend” that he had been spending time with since October of 2008. He stated that “we had not been happy and had a real marriage for the last 5 years”. He more or less said that we needed to get a divorce and move on with our lives separately. He stated that he was going to resign the church he was pastoring at the end of February, and if I would allow him to, he wanted to stay in our home until his resignation.
He told me that he was going to continue to see his “friend” no matter what I said. He also assured me that they were only “friends” not sexually involved and that he didn’t know how serious his feelings were for her. We have been married for 33 years, have 2 adult children and 4 grandchildren.
I was absolutely devastated and had no idea that things had gotten this bad… I knew things were not right but was always afraid to push because deep down I suppose I knew he was be unfaithful to me at least emotionally if not sexually.
We talked things over & both decided that we had to much invested to give up on our marriage and agreed to try and work things out. For almost 2 weeks things rocked along with us then I found out that people in our church and community knew about things.
And while he was supposed to be working things out with me to make our marriage work… one evening when it was supposed to be our night in together, while I was out of the living room, he picked up the portable phone and called her. When I walked back in he hung up and tried to hide the fact that he had been on the phone… I waited until about an hour later and without him noticing I took the phone and went to another room and hit redial and a female answered. When I asked who I was speaking to, she gave me a name and asked who I was trying to reach… it was his “friend” and of course she knew my phone number.
I did not confront her I just said “never mind” and hung up. I then went in to living room and confronted him for calling her and told him that he needed to go ahead and resign from our church as pastor and also that there were church members that knew about his “affair” …things were bad but again because I loved him so much I forgave him and we agreed to continue to work on things… he did resign church… and on February 14th (ironic isn’t it) I told him that it was very obvious that his heart just wasn’t in making our marriage work and that he could go ahead and file for divorce… that I loved him but I couldn’t live with him if he did not love me.
He did not deny anything and on Feb. 15th he moved, although I had told him he could stay till the end of the month and that I would stay at my mother’s home which was only less that a mile from our home. He immediately moved his “friend” in with him and began having sexual relations with her. To this day he still says that they did not have intercourse until after he and I separated. He does admit that they were touching each other intimately. I have told him that that is still infidelity and I consider that to be unfaithful to me and our marriage vows.
Over a month ago he called to ask my forgiveness for all he had done etc etc. I did not answer my cell phone. I had it switched off at work, so he left voice message. He tried twice. I didn’t get his messages till two weeks later (weird) and at that time I was very sick with a sinus infection so it was another week or longer before I talked to him. In the mean time he had resumed his relationship with the “friend” because quoting him, “I thought that when you didn’t respond at all to my messages that you were getting on with your life without me so I felt like I had to do the same.”
Long story not so short… he tells me that he knows how wrong he has been, that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. He does not want to lose me or his children and grandchildren. There are many other facets to our situation… financial and issues with our younger son who is 25 years old and is on disability for mental illness, not to mention the fact that we are helping the same son raise his 2 year little girl, whom he and ex-girlfriend had out of wedlock.
There are so many stressors in our life that have contributed to the near destruction of our marriage. We have reconciled and he has just moved back home. He assures me that he has no regrets of breaking things off with this other woman, but does tell me that he can’t say that there aren’t things about her that he cares about.
This is like a knife in my heart. I still feel very threatened by her mere existence He deceived me and lied to me and even about me to other people in an effort to save face among friends and people in our small town. I want to trust him and believe him but it is so very difficult… I just don’t believe I can go through, again, what I’ve just gone through. We were only separated for 3 months… and there is the added stress that my family is not happy at all with our reconciliation.
Of course, they were there to try to help me pick up the pieces after he dropped this bomb shell on me. I have been to the point during these 3 months where I seriously considered ending my own life because I literally felt I couldn’t face another day without him.
We married when I was only 18 years old and he was 24… and we have been through so much together. Everything reminded me of something we had done or seen or experienced together. I have prayed about this and I know that divorce is not the what I want but I am so insecure now. Throughout our married life, I had always been the one who was secure and knew that he was my best friend even in the bad times. It was like my legs were cut off when all this happened. How do I face each day now with the knowledge the he betrayed at least once and how do I live with the fear that he might do it again?????
(USA) Hello all of you, I think this time around will kill me. It has almost killed my spirit and soul. Mine started in 1983. We had been married for 12 yrs then, had four daughters aged 5, 8, 9 and 11. He met V at work, 14 yrs his Jr. Decided he was leaving us for her. I was devastated beyond words. Had been at home with our children for 12 yrs. He changed his mind, stayed with us, she had left her spouse for him. She then met and married another man, soon as her divorce was final. She is a mover and a shaker.
He spent the next three years grieving for her, not participating in our life, and I spent that time rising from the ashes. I went to work and also worked hard on my marriage, felt like a trick pony. Did everything I could think of to be the best wife I knew how to be. Nothing worked. So, in 86, after 3 years of that hell, I kicked him out. Told him to go and find the wonderful V and figure it out. I had heard she was separated.
He was gone four months, did not see her, and came back saying he wanted us and had worked through his issues. I spent most of the rest of my marriage feeling like I stole him from the love of his life. I can never explain to anyone how that felt. How can a wife feel like she is the other woman? He really never came home to me, there was always a missing element. I have always loved my husband with all my heart. I worked hard at my employment, and having never had the advantage of college, I had to work even harder but by 93, I was working at a large firm as a stock broker and then by 96 I opened a small investment company. All during this time, I never felt complete. His engagement with me, just never came back.
I spent the time from 86 forward like a lady in waiting, but not sure what I was waiting for. Our physical life dwindled until he claimed impotency around the early part of the 2000’s. But, in the late 80’s, I caught him talking to V on the phone, was told that he was talking to her. I kicked him out, but he begged on his knees, swore that they only had spoke a few times on the phone, that he would call her and tell her to never call again and I believed him. Then, again in 98, I received a call from her third husband telling me that he found her cell bill and that she had been calling my husband every day for three months. I kicked him out again. I would not let him come back for a while, but I did eventually, he called her on a three way call and convinced me again, it was only conversations, he told her on the call to never call again. She was always making the contacts, and he told her to leave him alone.
Well, last May, May of 2008, he sat me down and dropped a huge bomb. He had been having affairs with her all along. Five all totaled, through the years, but more than that, he had been having an affair with one of my best friends for the past 13 yrs. They had been meeting 3 times a week, having sex in the back seat of a car, or SUV or in the truck bed with a camper cover for 13 yrs. My friend. And he had also had an affair with two other of my friends in the late 80’s, one that I had gone to school with and worked with, right under my nose, and the other for three years in the early 90’s, and that friend is a man. He had had the last affair with V in 98 while having this 13 year affair at the same time, he had started up with her in 95. The 98 affair with V lasted 4 mos before the husband found the cell bill.
My entire life has been a joke. All that I have fought for, my vows, all that I have believed in, my friends that I would fight for, that I loved, all my memories, everything is gone. My friend and my husband, this last friend, started this mess on a trip that I planned, a trip to a haunted house where I rented a van with a driver and invited several couples, my friend and her husband being one of the couples. My friend and my husband fondled each other sexually with their spouses sitting in the van beside them. We were dressed for Halloween and with robes and such, no one was the wiser. It all makes me so sick. I invited them to canoe trips and biking events, all these things that encouraged and enabled their behavior.
I lost both breasts to cancer in 2004, forcing me to close my company, and my friend was by my bed in the hospital, all the while having sex with my husband. Taking trips to the mountains with him for a week to camp and bike, while I am thinking he was with the “guys”. I, on the other hand, had to stop biking as I was diagnosed with MS and became unable to bike, keeping my balance was an issue as well as becoming overheated was a problem.
Now, I look back at my life, that I loved her, and that I trusted her and him and that they were skipping along and having this great time while I was becoming more lonely, sicker and she knew how much I needed my husband. She knew how much his infidelity from the past had hurt me, how I still bled in my soul from it. She was my confidant.
So, now, I have nothing. I feel undone. I have been in the hospital three times this past year over this, I have been in counseling solid. I cannot get over it, I am past the absolute rage, I am past the why did the happen, I am now only into despair and this stage is the scariest of all. I have always had a difficulty with imagery and my mind sees things that may or may have not happened. But sleep eludes me, medication does not help. He stole my peace. He took my past, present and future. It does not matter if he stays or he goes. When he was caught in 98, and said they were only talking, he and V, he bought me a diamond ring and in front of family and friends, on bended knee, he gave it to me, pledging his love and honor and fidelity. All the while screwing my friend.
This is my destiny? Now I am sick, I am almost 60. Why did he not just leave me alone and let me have a life? I am an honorable person, a good person. I love my ppl, I take care of them, I fight with them, for them. I would never ever hurt them and I cannot conceive in my heart or mind what has transpired in my life. Ever. It cuts me in two life a knife with acid on it. And, it never stops. It just cuts and cuts. I look at him and my eyes fill with tears every time, at the wasted life that he has lived, and the way that he wasted mine. For no reason. There was no reason. I gave him his freedom three times. He could have lived his frat boy life and not have looked back.
(OHIO) So many stories. I am not alone in this. However I hope we can move on or try to forgive, only to give ourselves peace. I don’t really know how to do that but being divorced and mostly single for 3 years, I can say the one lesson I have learned is to never, ever, ever let another human being (husband, wife…) decide your worth.
I think we hold on to pain because it’s so hard to forgive. But after seeing the single side (with kids), I know that my soul is not defined by any one human on this earth. Just look at the cheaters. They don’t define themselves by what we think or else they would feel awful and never do it again.
(SOUTH AFRICA) It was November 2002, I was on a 40 day fast. While worshiping I suddenly saw a picture of my wife and a friend of ours walking down a country road. They were just walking – not talking or touching. I asked the Lord, “What is this Lord?” Holy Spirit whispered “You are not in this picture!” I was confused, had no idea what to make of it, decided I would chat to my sweetheart and see what her take was on what I had seen.
We lived in a small village in Botswana at the time. A close knit community!
Later that day -as was my habit – I popped in to see my wife at work to just catch up on the days events. I shared what I had seen in the spirit and what Holy Spirit said.
“Sweetie, we have been all the way!” Words that struck me like a bolt of lightning on a perfectly cloudless sky!
I stood up and went to the window, looked outside and whispered “Father…” I had no idea what to say – even to my God! He immediately responded and said “For your sake – forgive her right away.”
I turned to her, took her hands in mine and I did as My Lord required. I then asked her if they had used a condom – he was a prominent black gentleman who was known for his infidelity! You must understand, the HIV status in Botswana was exceptionally high. She said, “Yes but that it came off in the process.”
My sweetheart broke down. I comforted and consoled her until she had recovered sufficiently for me to leave.
The horror of what they had done to our Father.
David’s words just became a stuck record in my mind… “Against You and You alone have I sinned!” I raced home and immediately interceded for my wife and our friend. I entered the court of heaven and pleaded for mercy and not judgment! “Father, Jesus…the Blood!”
I was so consumed with standing between them and Fathers judgment that I had not even begun to process the impact of the confession on me, my life and on the lives of our children. Remember, I was on a fast – I was more in the spirit than in the flesh.
I prayed until she came home three hours later. She was crying, I took her in my arms and comforted her – I thought they were tears of remorse, but it transpired that they were tears that poured out because she had just spoken to him and told him that I now knew.
I cooked us a light meal and she went and had a bath. All this time I was standing in faith that the enemy would not use this to destroy my wife or our friend.
Later, when we went to bed, she opened the floodgates and told me all the sordid details. One could call it progressive revelation. I thought from her confession earlier that they had been together once! Only then did the full impact of an eleven month sordid affair start penetrating my – until now – intact emotions.
I curled into a fetal position as the unbelievable story unfolded.
When we married – after we had spent two years at Bible school – my sweetheart was a virgin! Sweet, gentle, shy and never spoke a harsh word against anyone.
Here this angel was confessing that due to her dissatisfaction with our intimate life (I am not a very sexual person so we would sometimes only make love 2 -3 times a month) she decided:
1. To find someone that would satisfy her.
2. Because of my walk with our Lord I would understand.
3. I would naturally forgive her as she knew I hated divorce.
4. The best way to deceive me was to always leverage my trust by asking permission to do things – like playing tennis together, go for a meal together when they were in the nearest town together etc.
5. She would get my children to enjoy him and his ‘fun’ ways.
6. She hoped – though he was a family friend – that he and I would become real buddies!
I must be honest and say, though I still continued my fast for another 20 days, my life became unbearable. My wife and I had no one that we could talk to except each other and of course, our Savior.
I tried my utmost to walk out my Christian convictions with both parties. Satan had a field day telling me that not only was I a failure as a husband and a lover but also as a ‘man in the community’. It transpired that the whole village knew about it – except my children and I.
The shame! Interracial relationships were – and still are – extremely frowned upon in that part of the world. The shame was intense.
Our businesses failed, financially we were relatively well off but since then everything went down hill. Due to the sin in her life my wife was totally blinded to the theft that was happening in our one business that she was managing. That theft led to the collapse of both businesses.
I negotiated with him and he agreed to transfer to another part of the country. However, this did not help as much as I had hoped. The shame was still there. The way people looked at me and the way they looked at my wife!
We eventually moved as well. This decision certainly alleviated the situation immensely. Finally we were able to discuss the whole sordid business with others – ‘church folk’. Much of what the ‘church’ said and advised, we had – with Holy Spirit’s aid – already handled and worked through.
The one thing that I experienced with all the help the ‘church’ gives is that it always seems to be the innocent partner’s fault. There seems to be this philosophy that if you do not meet your spouses needs then you are fully to blame for the outcome. The offending party is forgiven and can move on but the wounded is wounded even more.
Father, in His wonderful wisdom, knew that this would be the case – that’s why He gave me the picture of the two of them walking down the country lane – it was them; their walk; their decision; their sin… I was not in the picture – I actually had nothing to do with it.
Yes, I became the nominated ’scapegoat’ – nominated by my wife and by EVERY person since – who has genuinely tried to be of help.
Six and a half years later I am still struggling with thoughts of failure – but I use the ‘picture’ and His Word to secure the victory. Trust is no longer an issue and our marriage is much stronger today than it has ever been.
I encourage every jilted spouse to ask Holy Spirit for a ‘picture’ from His perspective and then refer to the picture and His promises regularly. The day will come when you are healed – you are healed when it does not hurt anymore! The scars are there to remind you – just like Jesus still has nail scarred hands!
Lastly, husbands, love your wives as….
(USA) I am having problem. I still have strong feeling for my friend but I always break up with him and then he comes back. He never was able to tell me the truth if he was with another woman. Well, I broke up with him for about 3 month and I happened to stop past his house and told him to step outside so he and I could talk. I told him I wanted to get things off my chest with him. He wanted us both to take baby steps to work on our relationship. I asked, was there anyone else; he said no.
Well, 15 minutes later another lady drove up to his home and he looked little shocked. I was not shocked and I asked him who she was. As she walked to the porch he said a friend, and he said I broke up with you since 3 months. I knew her for a year and lived here for two months and she just rented and lived up stairs.
Well, I was not hurt at the moment… but I think he thinks that I was little upset with him. He introduced us briefly and she went into the house. He said she needed help and he allowed her to live with him. I believe he is lying.
I told him when I was pregnant and needed him he was never there for me. When I left, I could not cry, I did not feel hate. I just drove home in a daze. When I got home I was still numb and could not cry. I could not sleep, just thinking about him having this lady live with him… The next day, I drove to work and I cried, stop and cry later; stop. I just want to leave him alone… and it’s hard… why?
(AUSTRALIA) I found out my husband was having an affair with the Au Pair 12 months ago. I left and he told me he hoped we could work it out. He then spent the next 9 months not seeing his children because he was too busy with her, all the time telling me he wanted to work it out with me. He thought it would be okay to continue the relationship as long as I did not find out. I feel hurt and betrayed all over again, except that this time the hurt is deeper, even though I did not think that was possible. I cannot see a time when I will be free of what he has done and look at life positively again.
(USA) I have been married for 9 years to a wonderful woman and have 2 great kids. About three weeks ago I cheated on her with a woman that was watching our kids and a friend of both of us. I have told my wife everything and now I feel the pain and hurt that I have put her through. I also hurt more than I could ever know. I feel like I am the worst thing in the world. This is the worst thing that a spouse could ever do to the one they love and give there life to.
To all you ladies that have been hurt and are in doubt about your husbands: if they say they love you with all their hearts and mean it that they will never do this again, I am standing proof of that. I told my wife that I will never hurt her again and mean every word. I hope and pray every day that we can put this behind us and go on with our lives cause divorce is not the way out for us. I love my wife with all my heart and always will. If anyone has any advice for us please let us know. Thanks
(US) I too have been trying to overcome an affair. It has been almost ten years and with our third child on the way. We have been together four fourteen years. It is true, the pain becomes less and less. However, being married is not easy and when you have to deal with marriage and kids, stress, work… the process of overcoming an affair becomes much more difficult.
Anything can bring you back to the betrayal. Once you think the pain has subsided, your infidel may come home late from work and you are back at square one. It takes a lot of work and commitment to stay. If you decide to stay, remind yourself you made the choice to stay, which in turn, means you too have to make the commitment to work on how to make things better with your spouse.
(USA) Please don’t assume that betrayal only goes one way. My wife faked an injunction to have the police kick me out of the house so her mystery boyfriend could move in. She is destroying a family, a marriage (over 20 years) and the family finances. Men do cry too.
(USA) Kathy, Thank you for your comment. I was betrayed 8 months ago and I stayed with my husband to try to work it out but all I could think about was the betrayal. I never fully forgave him and began to resent him. I became very angry and bitter towards him and he couldn’t understand why. We are presently separated in hopes that his actions during and after this time can prove that he truly wants this marriage and wants it to work. During this time I will be working on fully forgiving him because if I don’t we won’t be able to move forward.
Really ask yourself if you have fully forgiven your husband, although it was so long ago. When I read your comment, it frightened me because when we reconcile, I could be in your shoes. I pray God closes that door behind you and allows you to live in the fullness of your present life in your marriage.
(UNITED STATES) I just went through this with my husband this year. We have not been married long and already he betrayed me in this way. I am still having to deal with the anger of it all. I did get back together with him but I am always worried about when he will do it again to me. To begin with, I still wonder what I did to cause him to do this in the first place? I am still hurt from it and every time I bring it up with him he seems to get angry with me about the issue. He will tell me I need to let it go…
But I can’t seem to trust him the same way I did before. He didn’t sleep around on me but he did the internet thing talking and flirting with other women. I found pictures that he sent them of himself and the woman. I did talk to the women and they had no clue he was married; he did not tell them this. I wonder why men do this? I am faithful and I have never done anything to my husband to make him not trust me. I am just wondering where this will all go with us. And will I ever survive the hurt that he has caused me?
I deal with this alone; I don’t go to counseling about any of it. I came back to him because I love him and I do believe that it is the right thing to do as a Christian woman. But I am at a stand still about my trust in my husband… I don’t know if I will ever let my guard down again and trust him like I did before. He doesn’t seem to care about the hurt he has caused me at all. He believes it is over and done with and the issue is resolved with him. But not with me… and it won’t be until I can find healing within my heart over this issue.
(USA) Jessica: I too went through the same thing with my husband five years ago. Every time I would bring up the subject or her name he would get angry. He even told me that if I wasn’t to bring it up because he would get angry with me. Five years later, I find out it was still continuing. By my bringing it up I was making him face a reality he wasn’t willing to. My advice to you would be to check and double check everything he says – if he is not truthful now get out – don’t waste another five years on a man who is not worthy of your love and trust.
(USA) I just found out three days ago that my husband cheated on me. I had a gut feeling that something had happened, and I wound up finding the girl’s number and she told me everything. As if this wasn’t enough, she is pregnant and says there is a small chance that the baby could be his. I was shocked and angry and so upset. To make matters worse, he is in the military and currently deployed. He gets a 15 minute phone call once a week if we are lucky. Thankfully he got to call the day after and he admitted what had happened.
I am absolutely crushed. Words can’t even describe. If I didn’t have a good relationship with God I cannot honestly say what I would have done. I don’t know where to go from here. My gut tells me to give him a second chance, but I wonder if this is really what God has for me. Is this part of His plan for my life, or was I never supposed to even be with this man and this is His way of telling me? I don’t feel like marrying him was a mistake, but the few people I have talked to seem to think that I would be foolish to forgive him. I can’t make the decision on my own, I have too many emotions involved to push them out of the way. I am really seeking God’s will for my life, and I keep coming back to His forgiveness and mercy. Again, that could just be my emotions talking, but he is taking this better than I would have expected. There is nothing that he could say that would make me know I should stay, but there are a lot of things that he could have said that would lead me to believe I should go.
Am I crazy to keep falling back on reminders of God’s great mercy and forgiveness as a reason to give my husband a second chance? Or am I only forgiving him to end up having this happen again? If only I could see into people’s hearts like God can. At least I know there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me.
(USA) Good Morning, I never knew there were so many people out there hurting like me. I have been married for 16 years. Initially, we were not Christians, but were baptized together with my oldest daughter. My husband is in the military, and eventually became an Elder in the church. Whenever he would preach, I would sing prior to him bringing the Word. We were very deeply involved in the church, especially with the youth.
I noticed him getting a bit distant, and then really realized it when we were in church one day and asked him if he was going up for prayer with me. His response, “I don’t have to go up and pray with you all the time!” Things had already been going downhill no thanks to his selfishness, greed, and feeding his mother and other members of his family and friends untruths about me in order to make himself shine.
We had relocated after a transfer, and he would complain about giving me money for anything… beds for the children, school supplies, my vehicle needed some work, and so I went into debt again. He even stated after I had approached him about us living like room mates that “if it wasn’t for my money situation, I would not be here.” Mind you we always take some type of vacation. Last year he said that we could not because he didn’t have any money… he didn’t even buy my son clothes for school last year.
Around the time the affair came to light, he did not know that I was aware, and without letting him know what I knew, I asked him to just let me go… he didn’t agree right away, but then got bold and was like whatever, lets just get a divorce.
He would always put me down and discourage me with phrases such as “Look at me, there are lots of women out there who would want me.” “You, you have three children, and no man would want to get with someone who has three kids… I’m a hot commodity.” “Do you know what women out there would do for the security and benefits that you have?” “You need to get on your job.”
I was always ashamed and embarrassed to talk with anyone, and he knew this, so he was counting on me doing the same. The kicker is that he would still get up in the pulpit and preach as though nothing was wrong for two years. I would try to talk to him and ask “How come we can’t live what you preach?” He would either get angry and say nothing, or tell me to live it if I wanted to. The church members who loved us so dearly had no idea that after we left the church, the show was over and he wouldn’t speak to me if he didn’t have to.
After finding out about the affair, I was absolutely DEVASTATED!!! Not only because this was the first or second time that my trust had been betrayed, but because we were supposed to be Christians!!! Initally when I found out, I already knew I would have to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. However, we had agreed not to talk to each other and that I should only call him if there is an emergency with the kids. I decided to drive to the state he was in to catch him, but then he called not knowing what I knew and said he wanted to work this out. I did confront him when I arrived. Of course he did not admit to the affair at first, and then thought I was going to sleep with him that night!! He finally admitted to the affair the next day. The devastating part of this nightmare was that this woman knew everything about me, where I lived, would make comments to him about when she drove by what she saw, and that he had sex with this woman without any protection…
After we tried to work it out, she would text him to ask him how his day went, etc., and that’s when I asked him to give up her e-mail. He gave the wrong one at first, but then gave the correct one. I was very brief, cordial, and lady-like in asking her not to make contact with my husband. She replied in such a manner as to make fun of me telling me that I should have been on my job and copied him also stating to him “Is this what you were talking about?” Obviously he had frontloaded her but told me he did not. She even knew my medical history and made fun of me in her e-mail response, just saying demeaning things. I should have seen it then, but he did not protect me at all, and I should have known this was not going to work out. He promised he had told this woman off, not to call him or he would get a restraining order on her, etc., all the stuff he thought I would want to hear. It seemed so perfect until… I found out he had still been talking to her the entire time just deleting the calls from his phone.
He travels a great deal with his job, and uses this forum to conduct his secret rendezvous. Even after he told me that we would have no vacation last year, he took this woman and her kids to Disney in Florida while he should have been “working”. He sent the kids things from Toys R Us via e-mail, and even took her to meet his best friend who was in our wedding, who owns strip clubs, etc. Not only that, he took her to Las Vegas for almost a week, and I am the one who took him and picked him up from the airport.
I knew I had to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. So when I found out 4 months later after his professing to leave that life alone that he was supposed to be going out of town to one state, but got some intel on how he was landing where she was at and planned to take a long drive to where he was supposed to be for his job, I drove down so that I would arrive before the plane landed and took pictures. I called as I was watching him, and called again while he was eating. I asked where he was eating and he said our favorite restaurant. Little did he know that I was waiting outside the restaurant and when they both came out I thought I would die!!!
I went back to where I know they were going, her house, but they made a pitstop at her sister’s house and this is when I knocked on the door and his hand was caught in the cookie jar. He was shocked out of his mind and was begging me to listen to him that it was nothing and then had the nerve to invite me in so we could all sit down and talk! Of course I told him he was crazy and that I was done.
He even took us with him on a road trip as he went to visit his offices, and complained about the traveling when he didn’t mind traveling for the… Anyway, I am tired and I don’t see evidence of true change and committment not to me, but to God. If he cannot serve and obey God out of love, I don’t think he will ever be able to love me.
Right now, we are still living together, and he constantly says that he has changed, but I have my intel staff and I have information that proves otherwise in big ways. I am truly living with a person who displays the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and it is taxing on my spirituality and self-esteem. I have never been able to tell him how I really feel and let my anger out. He expects me to be over this already.
I cry to myself all the time, and my prayer life is a struggle, but I still hold on because I truly believe God has a plan for me. I continue to work with the kids in church because they keep me going. I just worry about all those lives we touched, he taught and how this would devastate them and our children… should I continue to be humble and suffer in silence because of what it will do to them? LaTay
(UK) Hi Latay, I have just read your story and I am just heart broken by the devastation your husband has put on you. Firstly I just sense how strong you have been and continue to be, to have had the strength to confront him instead of pretending that everything is ok like some people do is a testiment to your walk with God and your love for him, because alone it would be impossible.
My story is slightly different from yours but the pain, anger and devastation is exactly the same. Last year on our 2nd wedding anniversary my husband confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction, and throughout our relationship he’d gone into mens public toilets and had received oral sex from strange men. After his confession soooooooooooooooo many things came to light about his sexual brokenness and all I wanted to do was to run a million miles away from him because I could not believe that my man, the one who had promised to love, honour and protect me for the rest of my life was capable of such a thing, and I honestly hated him.
I stayed and am still here but only because of Christ and the strength he has given me and my husband.
My husband has been amazing. He has taken everything I’ve given him, my anger, my pain and so much more, because he loves me and knows exactly what he has done and the consequences of his actions.
I do not believe his words, but his actions, because once trust has been violated words mean nothing, but actions mean everything and is evidence of true change and understanding on the part of your husband.
From your story it sounds as though your husband is continuing to be completely selfish and feels nothing for the pain he has caused you and continues to cause you. He has lied and continues to lie about all the things he has been doing. If he understood the true consequences of his betrayal he would not be acting this way, because the tears you cry would break his heart, and he would NEVER EVER want to be the cause of another tear drop from your eyes again.
It must be so hard still being in the same house as him. If there is any way for you to separate just for a while, I would advise it because that really helped my husband and me. While he is there you still have a constant reminder of the hurt he is causing. Only you know what you need to do but remember that infidelity is the one thing which allows you to be free to leave a marriage, if you want to. Unless your husband is prepared to do EVERYTHING in his power to mend your marriage it will not suceed, it’s so difficult when both partners are willing to work at the marriage, but when one so blatently does not want to yet continue to confess that they do, your chances of success are practically zero.
Deciding to leave is the most difficult choice you will ever have to make, even after all the pain he has caused you, but unfortunately it may be one you will have to make. If you can see that he is willing and able to, then that can be the start of your healing together. But if he is not, then you will have to find the strength within you to say “I am a beautiful loved daughter of God. Even if I was the only one on earth, he still would have opened his arms and died on the cross for me, because that is how much I am worth, and I will not accept anything less. My Father in heaven loves me and knows that I am his most precious child. He will be my strenth when I am weak, when I cry his heart breaks and he wipes away my tears. When I can not carry on, he will pick me up and take me to the place I need to be. He will embrace me as a father embraces a daughter. No matter what happens, I will never walk alone because he is ALWAYS with me”.
Please do not let the shame of his actions keep you in bondage. Do not keep his secret, speak to people who love you and who you trust. You did not do this, he did. You do not have to suffer in silence, and trust me, the shame of what has happened to you will shoke you until you break free from it.
For about 8 months I didn’t tell any of my friends and family about my husband actions, and I grew even more angry and bitter towards him because I felt that in setting himself free by his confession, he had imprisoned me because I was advised not to tell anyone. So when I couldn’t take it anymore I confessed all to my 2 best friends of 17 years, and my husband himself sat down with my family members and told them everything that had happened from his confession day.
I was so proud of him, and it proved to me that what he was saying was the truth, that he would do whatever it took to add to my healing. He had said it so many times, but until he proved it with his actions the word meant nothing.
For your children, it sounds like you are part of a great church. You have to give them up to God, trust that he will protect them and surround them with love, children will always rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVE in a broken home. Their childhood is so precious, if you don’t get it right they will suffer in the long run. My husband’s behaviour started when he was 7 years old, just a baby, yet his parents had no clue what was happening.
Children have a way of making things their fault when it is not, so all you can do is to be honest with them, and let them know no matter what happens Mummy and Daddy love them more than anything in the world.
My 7 year old daughter is from a previous relationship. She calls my husband daddy because her biological father (sperm donor, I call him) abandoned her when she was 2 years old. At the time I thought she would be detroyed but I gave her up to God and he has done amazing things in her life. I’m so proud and blessed to be her mother, but there was times when I didn’t think we would survive.
The things God can do for is just beyound anything we could ever imagine. What is impossible for us, is so simple for him, if we just allow him to do his work in us. Just remember just how loved you are, when you cry, others like me care, but more than that God cares.
I will be praying for you and your wonderful children. Much love and prayers always. Caroline xxx
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 25 five years and found out last year that my husband had an affair with his boss. Both him and her are in very high profile jobs. She is a married woman as well. We have three children, the youngest 15 years who has suffered the most of the children.
When I found the proof of the affair I confronted him alone and her when I saw them together. Never did he admit or explain. As a matter of fact, he continued to humiliate me in front of the children and her. He said at one stage that he can’t get along with me personally any more to justify staying together. When he caught me with his mobile in my hands he told me in front of the young one that things are over between me and him even before I could say anything.
I was shocked and horified as I was under the impression we had a happy marriage. Never did he complain or tell me anything of what I did wrong. As I couldnt get anything out of him and he continued with the relationship, he stopped talking to me and could come and go as he wanted, I decided for my own sake and the children’s emotional well being that I’d have to be seperated from this man. As you say in one of your posts, he is toxic to be around.
I asked him to leave and he did. It’s now 13 months later and I broke all contact with him. He has also not even tried to contact me in the last year. Even though some of the payments used to come off his salary which he didn’t cancel and is still paying, he has left me with the the children. They all stay with me still and even with the house and all the maintenance bills, I am doing ok financially because I have a great career myself. I am a professional sports person and am in progress author. Yet I am emotionally very hurt and angry and all the things that one feels when you have been betrayed.
The worse is he just left without any answers or explanations or showing any remorse for the pain he has caused which makes the recovery so much harder. I doubt myself and I am gong over the situation in my mind every day, over and over, although I know that there is no benefit to this. I am now alone with my three children and just working hard and training hard etc. I tell very few people about it; I am so ashamed. I feel like the failure.
He was travelling a lot (I helped him become a success) so I just say to people he is still travelling thus explaining why he is not around. He has very little contact with the children. He only sees the two girls now and then. He buys them a lot of stuff and then disappears. He doesn’t support them emotionally. He never really has been there for me or the children emotionally; he was always working toward his own success and happiness.
I read all the articles on coping with betrayal and infidelity, yet why can’t I get it out of my mind? How can I recover emotionally and move on? Physically I have moved on but not emotionally. He has also not started a divorce after a year now and we are still married.
(USA) Dear Lynette, How my heart cries with you over the injustice and confusion of what you have gone through because of your husband’s unfaithfulness. How sorry I am that you and your children are going through this. No human being should do this to another. I will never understand how someone can justify cheating, betrayal, and deception like this and breaking their spouse’s heart. It’s never, ever OK.
In answer to your question of how do you “recover emotionally and move on” … the answer is, it will not be easy, as you are painfully learning every hour of every day. After cleaving together in marriage, it’s as if half of you has been amputated and torn away from you — which is a horrific injury to recover from. You add to this the confusion of all of the “why’s” and you have to know that you are battling through a LOT of emotions to get to a better place emotionally.
But I encourage you NOT to lose patience with yourself that you WILL smile again and you WILL get to a better place emotionally. I truly believe you will with the Lord’s help. And I encourage you to try your best and reach out for the Lord’s strength to stop asking the “why’s” of it all. As you may have read on this web site and other web sites we link to — you can have a VERY good marriage and yet it can be destroyed by an affair. Why… we may never know. It is one of those situations where sin abounds and leaves behind confused and undeserving victims such as yourself.
Yes, you could have had a great marriage, and yet infidelity can still invade it. That seems to be one of those mysteries that most people don’t realize or prepare for (by putting up safeguards to help prevent this type of thing from occurring). Who would think you could have a GOOD marriage, and yet your marriage is still vulnerable to being invaded by infidelity? And yet it happens, as you painfully know.
PLEASE work hard to throw out the need for questions to be answered from a man who is incapable of being open and honest with you. He has shown himself to be disconnected from treating you in compassionate ways. Instead, lean upon the Lord to help you look for good in life and for ways to bring laughter for you and your children, and a new focus. Pray and ask the Lord for a new vision for your life — to live with your head held high — not as a victim.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it may seem easier for me to say that than for you to live it. But I can’t imagine anyone who is a quality person to look down at you. You have every reason to hold your head up. YOU didn’t cheat, your husband did. You are being a responsible mother and person, and are doing the best you can under these circumstances. I have the highest respect for you. You are an overcomer. I pray you will grab onto the confidence the Lord can give you to live your life in an even more victorious way. I pray for you Lynette. May God give you help, strength, confidence, the ability to look beyond the questions, and a new vision for your life. And may God give you hope and joy beyond human understanding!
(IRELAND) Cindy… I read your reply to another good lady who was misfortunate enough to have given her undiluted love to yet another emotional Vampire. I must say to you I found your words so calming and lifting and you are right “I” did NOT have an affair, lie, cheat, and abandon a little 2 year old baby… HE DID!!! He is also the one who drained every little drop of love, life and energy from me, in order to feed the false image he portrayed of himself… WELL NOT ANYMORE!!! That ship has sunk… It has taken a flood of tears, and some time. But I know I CAN live alone and one day I will be truly content while he still searches for whatever it is he thinks he gets from hurting people.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Linda and Cindy, We are continents apart yet we share the same pain. As much pain and difficulties I have because of his unfaithfulness after my lifetime commitment to him I know that I will never take him back and can sense the same from your words. My husband has left all of us behind after 25 years of support and love and 3 children of his own blood couldn’t stop him from running after an already married woman who he has known for 3 years through only working for her.
Surely we couldn’t have meant much to him if he could so easily be lured away. I hope this woman brings him joy and like you say: he gets whatever it is he is searching for hurting people in the process.
(BAHAMAS) I married the same man twice. I am applying for a second divorce for the same reason. Affairs! I caught my husband with two woman in one week. The only thing I feel like doing right now is drinking some Bacardi and coke. But, I don’t drink! So maybe I should burn up all of his clothes like the last time. No, I was younger and immature. Guess what, I am now 50 lbs overweight, addicted to sugar and feeling lost and found at the same time.
This time I am going to forgive myself first. I am going to cry. I never cried before. Then I am going to finish my degree, begin to reward myself because I survived. Next, I am going to laugh. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I married him twice. Yes, he had gold and diamonds twice at his feet. He was just too blind to see the value. Yes, I may be above normal weight, but I am going to say it I am BEAUTIFUL! I heard God, there is no perfect man. I am going to celebrate me. Praise God, I DON’T HAVE AIDS.
What is going to happen today? I don’t know? Will I cry? Yes! But I am going to fight for my peace, joy and self esteem. Wow! I give it away. Yes, he schemes. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sounds weird. Good! All dead leaves fall off the tree eventually. I cannot hold on to dead things. It is time for a new life.
To all my sisters and brothers who had someone who left or betrayed you, new life is about to begin. Not in another person, but in you. Feel love, and forgiveness. If you hate, you lose and they win. Remember, darkness is very small compared to the light in you. Don’t give away your life to anyone. Don’t give them the power to break you down any more. Don’t belittle the person, but go higher, speak well of them. Your love was never dark or polluted. Your loyalty proves you are a person of light. Joy is your right. It is within you. No one has the right to your joy. Joy is your hope! Joy is our Hope!! It is our reason to live. No more! Don’t look for perfect people. Begin to love you. I know this my darkest point but somehow it feels as if it is my brightest. I love me. You love you. Don’t let this moment define you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Lenore, Wow, is all I can say. You are right, your husband had diamonds and gold at his feet and he was too blind to see! And, the same for all these innocent woman who have been hurt and betrayed.
I am a professional sportsperson so my advice to you is: With a little hard work you can lose all the extra weight you have and all of us others can fix the little things that bother us too but our husbands are stained forever. They cannot clean out the darkness in their hearts and they cannot undo the infidelity, the hurt they caused others.
You talk about light and darkness and it reminds me of what my mother always use to say.
She said : “One day when you are old you want to look back at your life behind you and see light, not darkness.”
(USA) I found out on March 1st of this year that my husband was having an affair with his dead cousins common-law wife. He walked out and moved in with her on the 5th. He left me with all the bills, the house, 3 gorgeous sons and no dependable vehicle. He told me when the financial issues were taken care of, he was open to reconciliation…while living with ‘her.’ He wanted to have his cake and eat it too…Now I’m having to deal with all of the consequences. He’s not coming back. I have to file bankruptcy, I may lose my house (the only home my children have ever known) and am the only one dealing with school functions, award ceremonies, sports, doctors appts. and now all 4 of us are in therapy and couseling. My 6-year-old is severly clinically depressed. All this to say…there are worse stories out there and we will make it!
(ENGLAND) This is my story: My wife ran off with another man. We were to undergo a program of fertility
treatments after trying unsuccessfully for years to conceive. I had to cancel this treatment with the hospital. Seven months later, I accidently received a letter in the post, addressed to my wife, congratulating her on her pregnancy. At that time I was also undergoing renal investigations, as I was passing blood. Two months later, my sister passed away suddenly at the age of 47. I was also under stress in my job as a lecturer, due to student behaviour, lack of support, overwork, poor resources & staff shortages. All of this culminated in my breakdown & subsequent job loss. People would not believe this if they read it in a book. This was 2 years ago & I have still not fully recovered. It was an horrific ordeal for me!
(USA) Howard, I would believe it. I know what I went through and I didn’t have all the extras you had. My ex-wife did tell me the day I returned from a funeral that she wanted to move out, so nice job she did delivering the news at a “proper” time.
I seriously contemplated suicide several times during my now ex-wife’s affair.
My divorce was even longer ago than your story and my ex-wife is still bitter, uncommunicative, and she’s the one who had the affair, sought the divorce.
So it gets better, but not much with respect to relationships with those who betray. I think the only reason it’s better is because I’m not exposed every day to the abuse she dishes out.