After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) I found out on March 1st of this year that my husband was having an affair with his dead cousins common-law wife. He walked out and moved in with her on the 5th. He left me with all the bills, the house, 3 gorgeous sons and no dependable vehicle. He told me when the financial issues were taken care of, he was open to reconciliation…while living with ‘her.’ He wanted to have his cake and eat it too…Now I’m having to deal with all of the consequences. He’s not coming back. I have to file bankruptcy, I may lose my house (the only home my children have ever known) and am the only one dealing with school functions, award ceremonies, sports, doctors appts. and now all 4 of us are in therapy and couseling. My 6-year-old is severly clinically depressed. All this to say…there are worse stories out there and we will make it!
(ENGLAND) This is my story: My wife ran off with another man. We were to undergo a program of fertility
treatments after trying unsuccessfully for years to conceive. I had to cancel this treatment with the hospital. Seven months later, I accidently received a letter in the post, addressed to my wife, congratulating her on her pregnancy. At that time I was also undergoing renal investigations, as I was passing blood. Two months later, my sister passed away suddenly at the age of 47. I was also under stress in my job as a lecturer, due to student behaviour, lack of support, overwork, poor resources & staff shortages. All of this culminated in my breakdown & subsequent job loss. People would not believe this if they read it in a book. This was 2 years ago & I have still not fully recovered. It was an horrific ordeal for me!
(USA) Howard, I would believe it. I know what I went through and I didn’t have all the extras you had. My ex-wife did tell me the day I returned from a funeral that she wanted to move out, so nice job she did delivering the news at a “proper” time.
I seriously contemplated suicide several times during my now ex-wife’s affair.
My divorce was even longer ago than your story and my ex-wife is still bitter, uncommunicative, and she’s the one who had the affair, sought the divorce.
So it gets better, but not much with respect to relationships with those who betray. I think the only reason it’s better is because I’m not exposed every day to the abuse she dishes out.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband’s affair was only intellectual, emotional and mental at this point. There was much cuddling and as far as I know, two kisses. He would sit online with her and talk about doing the most depraved sex acts with her.
I love him still, he has realized the damage that was caused, he has admitted that they probably would have slept together at some point. He has cried with me, begged me to stay, told me he loves me, has succumbed to me spying on his computer and cellphone (which is not good for either of us).
I want to stay, but if I do, i give him the ability and power to hurt me again. I don’t think I could live through this much pain a second time. Not that I have reason to believe it will happen again, he has had a real wake up call, but still, the possibility is there. I have not kept this quiet, if anyone has asked, I have told them the truth, not in detail, but I need a support network, advice and love.
(UNITED STATES) I’m going through my second divorce. I have 2 small children with this man. He was in prison the for the first 2 1/2 years of our first child’s life. I really thought it would be best for my child to have her father, so I was there for him when he got out. We married and had a second child. His drinking became worse, he never wanted to stay home; he worked out of town.
I bought the house while he was in prison. He had nothing when he returned home. Yet he thought I should work full time and take care of house and children. He felt that his only responsibility was to work and provide. The emotional abuse became too much and then in the end, there was physical abuse. We have been separated for almost 3 months now. At first he would cry and wanted to come back and then he suddenly stopped. He just recently informed me that he was never in love with me and that he had always loved our sister in law (his twin brother’s wife). She has recently separated from her husband and now they are seeing each other.
The pain from this betrayal has been too much to bear at times. I have found out that he shared intimate moments with her during our marriage. I feel like everything was a lie. Even though we separated for different reasons, I feel that this was a betrayal. Couldn’t he have picked another woman? This woman is his twin brother’s wife, their children are our children’s first cousins. Now, our children have to go through this. How will they ever understand?
(USA) The first time my husband betrayed me was 9 years ago. We have been married for 18 now. I found out just this week he has betrayed me again. First time was 2 different women. It hurt so bad all I could do was throw up. This time it was 3 different women. When he told me all I could do was sit there. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t do anything. He has confessed to our minister. I know I have scriptural grounds for a divorce. I also know, like one of the inserts I read here, it’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place. We have a son together. I still have feelings for him.
This whole thing was another surprise, like the first time. He just doesn’t know what he did this time…he will never know. I’m so crushed I can’t breath. He moved into another bedroom for now. I have told him it wouldn’t be practical to divorce. I pay the mortgage, the electric, buy the food, the clothes. He will suffer financially. He works, but the business is slow right now. He has begged for forgiveness and tells me he has a “problem”. Gee, ya think? I get caught between searing anger and hopelessness. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Why, why do they do this? I’m not too ugly or too over weight… I think… maybe not… not sure again.
(USA) My wife recently cheated on me and is pregnant by him. I love her so much I want to stay married to her. We have two boy’s together. I’m in the military and was not there for our kids birth’s and she uses that as ammo agaist me. I worked hard and alot and was not there as a father or husband to her as i should have either and i admit to it. But, she uses that agaist me. She says the guy listens to her and is there for her. Well, I’m deployed over seas and cannot be there for her so this guy is there for her. I still love her. I want to make things work; is that wrong?
(CANADA) If your husband goes to a prostitute and gets oral sex, is that cheating? He did not have intercourse, but oral sex?????
(UK) Hi All, The answer to your question is yes… my husband had oral sex with strange men in public toilets, it doesn’t have to be sexual intercourse for it to be cheating. Jesus said that even having lustful thoughts about someone is adultery.
A married man has no business having any kind of sexual interaction with anybody except his wife, if he does then he has committed adultery.
I have a support group for wives of sex addicts at http://www.healingheartsclub.co.uk. There is also a link on the resource section of this site but please know that if your husband is still doing this then he is committing adultery and it is unacceptable but there is help out there for both of you. I will be praying for you and your family. Love Caroline x
(SUFFOLK LI) Since Dec 2 09 my life has taken a turn. My husband received a call from his nephew wanting my husband to do a DNA test. A man contacted him and wanted to know if my husband’s brother could be his father. His brother is dead and his biological mother is dead too. His brother was involved with her and so were many others. This happen in 1968 the man is 41.
My husband said no on the test and before you know it our youngest son who is 41, got involved. I told my husband to give him the DNA and now my husband confesses that he was drunk and so was she and it happen once and than she was back with his brother who was married also. It turns out the DNA is 99.9 my husbands. Now all I hear from this man is about my 1/2 brothers and sister. He wants to call my husband Dad.
The best part is he was put up for adoption in 1968 was adopted by a wonderful family but the both died 2 yrs ago. I’m trying to be kind but I find myself very bitter & he keeps bringing up his biological mother. My husband told him it was no love afair it was ——-! Now he put his mother’s picture on the web and we have grandchildern. I told my son I had enough and don’t want to hear any stories. Tell the children the truth or I will.
Please give me some advice Help!! To add to my nightmare my Mom passed on 12-18-09.
(CANADA) I’ve been reading people’s feelings, and this is what I am going thru. It feels like hell. My wife had an affair over a year. She told me about it, we are separated currently but she has told me about recent mistakes as she calls them. We been separated for 6 months. I am a Christian, god-fearing man. I have been honest and faithful even thru these troubling times. I have made arrangements to see a Catholic Bishop to see what I can do save my marriage. I love her and my children but I feel all hope is gone. I have recently been taking antidepression medication to help me. I feel even my faith in God is gone. I prayed, I cried, I forgave, but she is still in her wicked world. In this life I have tried to live a life in truth, trust and faith but now all that I lived for is shattered. I cannot fix what I didn’t break but I am trying. I pray for the grace of God for anyone going thru this.