After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(SOUTH AFRICA) I just want to add, that at the moment I am going through a really tough time. My husband has "cheated" or better said had "emotional affairs" in the past, which has caused a lot of pain for me, but I had forgiven him. He is not a believer, but I am! Recently I have found – or caught him in the act – chatting with women online (two weeks ago). He has since become very defensive and up tight about it. Until it eventually lead to that, we stopped talking to each other.
He used to phone me during the day at work, but now he no longer does. (This was last week.) However, I have been praying day and night that God will restore our marriage, as HE has the power to breath HIS life into the deadest of marriages. Secondly, God does NOT believe/approve of divorce – so that is not an option either. This week we have been sleeping in the same bed again (he moved to another room) and he moved back on his own accord too.
We have started talking to each other too, but not saying much – talking about daily things – however, last night we spoke as if we were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in ages and had to catch up on the news. He is still on line with these women, but GOD will stop it! I believe it in my heart. God has being working in me this week, and changing me in ways I never thought I could. I truly believe that GOD can and will restore our marriage to greater than it ever was before. "Stop telling God how big your storm is and start telling your storm how big your GOD is".
(USA) Hello, I am happy to have come across this website because I am newly divorced (Nov. of 2007) after 23 years of marriage. I took a buyout from my job in 2006 to come home and help manage my husband’s diabetes and health issues and to oversee repairs to our house. He was very depressed about all of those things and the diabetes almost made him go blind. He moved out a week after I signed the papers abandoning me, and the kids, one of whom was in college at the time. He is a back-slidden pastor and it hurts because he tried to twist the scripture and justify his leaving because I was "very disobediant." He was running up debts and not paying them so he was constantly secretly borrowing money from pay day loans and co-workers to cover his tracks.
After a month out in his new apt. he started acting very cocky, angry and cut us off financially until the child support finally kicked in 7 months later. As it turns out he was having an affair with someone (a former member of our church) 13 years younger whom he was visiting to discuss the scriptures.
Our college age daughter died in a car accident in April of 2007, and instead of coming clean and getting his life in order, the divorce summons arrived 3 days before her funeral. By the fall he had pushed through the divorce with his attorney although I wasn’t there and neither was my attorney and then he married the girl he was cheating with a month later.
Our family is so hurt, and grieving and our son, (the baby of the family) who is now 17 yrs. hasn’t even seen his dad since last Nov. His dad calls him on his cell phone.
Pray for us all because we are going back to court next week because the divorce decree was all in his favor, and nothing was done properly because his lawyer didn’t properly fill out paperwork and there’s a possibility that the whole divorce will be overturned. They decreased the child support and my son was kicked off my husband’s medical insurance and nothing has been settled re: our son, the house, pensions, our daughter’s wrongful death claim, etc.
Please pray for me to have nothing but love and forgiveness for my husband and his new wife. He inherited 2 much younger children one of whom is mute and it hurts because his own son considered his dad his best friend, but is now being totally ignored. My husband phoned him to tell him he had gotten married and asked him to tell me out of spite. I feel that in court he is going to try to fight me tooth and nail to try to "punish" me for not agreeing to sign so he could withdraw his pension when he left us.
He is not acting rational and still wanted me to sign for him to get a loan on his retirement to spend on his girlfriend, his new furniture, his new exercise equipment and his new car and new lifestyle while ignoring me when our daughter was on the verge of getting kicked out of college and down to her last money. Fortunately my church awarded her a scholarship so she was able to stay in school until the time of her death. This is a lot to unload, but please bear with me. I am healing, but I don’t know how I will feel when I first see him in court after not seeing him for over 7 months and all of his "tricks." Let’s pray for one another.
(USA) Hi Peggy,
I don’t know where to start after reading all you wrote. All I can say is wow. I mean, I’m really stupified. I feel for all you have been through and are continuing to go through. Also, my condolences on the loss of a child – I simply cannot imagine the pain.
My husband and I are healing our marriage after covering up more than a decade of abuse inside the marriage and we are, too, both believers. I know how hard it is sometimes. I’ve got very different trials than you, but can certainly commiserate with your pain, confusion, etc.
These are the verses that came to my mind after reading your current trial :
Matt. 6:19 (do not store up treasures on Earth)
Matt. 5:40 (if someone wants to sue you for something, give them that and the shirt off your back)
I Cor. 6:6
Please read all these prayerfully and ask God’s guidance to help you apply them in the appropriate way. The above verses are what the Holy Spirit spoke to me as I read through your testimony.
The last verse – I Cor. 6:6 – Paul is VERY clear that believers should not be suing one another in the courts of unbelievers (man’s legal system). Obviously your husband has filed the suit against you for divorce but my strong urge is to get the court date done and then get out of there.
God WILL provide for you and your children. It sounds as though you’ve already got a good church behind you that is willing to help you out. But even if you don’t end up with a great "settlement" from man’s court system, and the church cannot make up for it – I know in my heart you will be ok. God says that His children will never worry about having a bed or food to eat or clothes to wear.
Although I can’t identify with your situation personally, I can identify with the pain of uncertainty and hurt and confusion. I will pray for your healing and that of your children. I will also pray for your husband – he sounds pretty far away from God right now.
I can tell from what you wrote that you are seeking God’s will and want to do the right thing by God. It sounds, too, as though your husband is not as concerned right now with doing the right thing. If he repents and confesses in the future then God will forgive him, of course, but right now my sense is that your husband/ex-husband is the sinking ship that is trying to bring you down with him. And in bitterness and hurt, we are all tempted to stoop to someone’s lower level.
Please ask God to give you the strength, right now, to be the higher example and try to move on from that situation as soon as possible. There is no need for you to sign on loans to help someone who has abandoned you and, quite possibly, God right now.
Let your husband’s garbage and baggage be his own – don’t let it be yours. God will carry you through it all. Right now, take whatever the courts decide and then move on. t’s distasteful to God that your husband is even doing all this – in a court of unbelievers.
Anyway – I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope this helps in some small way – that is what was in my heart to write after reading what you are going through.
With love and prayers, LT
(USA) Thank you LT! I will be reading these scriptures prayerfully. The Word of God and prayer has been my rock and foundation through this storm.
I desire to abide in the Lord and to have his Word abide in me. I want to submit my will, emotions, flesh and future to the Lord. I want to conform to His Word (that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel hurt) but I realize that it is part of the process of dying to self, and following Christ.
This whole ordeal has opened my eyes to the crisis and devastation that divorce creates in the lives of others. I can now pray more effectively and I certainly can empathize as never before. I realize that divorce is a type of unforgiveness, and is a very nasty breaking of a covenant. I truly don’t want to fall into the trap of bitterly nursing the wounds. The Lord’s Word has been soooo comforting. His compassion is beyond belief! And yes, He is providing all our needs according to his riches in Glory, by Christ Jesus. Last year we lacked for nothing although there were many exspenses, (college, funeral, appliances that broke down had to be replaced, etc. ) God even led me to a Christian salesperson when I went to replace the broken washer and refrigerator and he ended up ministering to me with personal testimonies in the store! He knew nothing of my situation, but God knew!
I am praying for direction re: employment since my buyout money and benefits end in Dec. and for funds to send our son to college. (He graduates in 2009). I am presently in school, to get some training and skills since I am older and want to be able to get a job that pays something comparable to my old one that I held for 22 years. Additionally I am finding that college is a good "mission field."
God is up to something big!!! Sometimes I can’t believe so many people are going through similar book- of- Job experiences such as divorce. I know in my future I really want to comfort others who go through this kind of trouble and I believe this is God’s way of preparing me!
I still find that on certain days, feel very down, and there have been days when I just felt so frozen with depression and wanted to give up and run away to some distant place to live. Fortunately we are (my children and I) grounded in our faith, in our church-home, and are growing closer to each other and to God as a result of these attacks from satan. Everyone is going to have a terrific testimony when this is all over! : )
(UNITED STATES) I recently found out that my wife had been seeing and meeting up with another man that she worked with, while I was working. I need the knowledge and the guarantee that as the article mentioned, we’re together again, and to know that this will not happen again. The pain truly is too much to deal with. I couldn’t go on dealing with the things I’ve dealt with. This can’t happen again; it hurts too bad. I love her with all my heart, but I’ll have to let go if this would ever reoccur. She says she’s done with him, and she doesn’t like him, or have these "feelings" for him anymore. Yet I asked if she had regrets, and she said no. It just cut me, thats all, I just want to know …
(UNITED STATES) I was betrayed by my spouse several times a few years ago. I have not been able to shake the feeling that it’s just a matter of time before it happens again. He also has an adult child by another women whom he keeps in touch with. The adult child recently had a daughter, making him a granddaddy for the 1st time. I believe it’s strengthening their relationship. Even though this women is married, I can’t help feeling something’s there. Yesterday, he had his cell phone off all day until I used it to make a phone call at his request. When I turned it on there was a text message from this woman wishing him a happy Easter.
(UNITED STATES) I’ve been married for 27 years. I worked two jobs for ten years to help support my family. My husband worked at a full time job and volunteered for the local fire department. In 2005, someone started sending me e-mails signed- catcha cheata. Due to the type of job I have, my work e-mail is listed for clients. I thought my marriage was great except that I was disappointed with our sex life. He was always tired.
I finally showed my husband one of the numerous e-mails and asked him about it. He said he had no clue what this person was asking about. I guess deep inside I knew that he was lying. I quit the second job against his wishes. He still was gone a lot of the time. I came out and asked him several times if he was cheating. The answer was no.
After he donated blood one day he was notified that his blood had failed safety checks, and it was recommended that he have some tests run. Well, I knew in my heart then. I went into catch the cheater mode. Oh yes, I replied with catcha cheata the next time they e-mailed and she/he gave me a list of names of women that my husband had had affairs with. (There were 15 names on that list) ( One of those women was a former client of mine. She was a friend of my daughter’s. He never used a condom.
He has never told me everything. He is such a coward.
We have gone to a Christian counselor. He said that the reason he cheated is that I nagged. I guess that is what you call begging for sex in your own home. We are still together after 2 years, but I’ll admit that it is a shallow marriage and I have no doubt that he’ll probably cheat again. I’m not sure that I care either way.
He still says he loves me. Ha. With love like that who needs hate.
(USA) Well, I can see that this post is a little one sided and deals mostly with the betrayal and infidelity of a man. But, i can assure, betrayal is not limited to infidelity. Any betrayal of marriage vows can be hurtful and devastating. My ex-wife broke her the vow ‘for sickness and in health’ and it has caused me great pain and anguish. I went through a period of insomnia, anxiety, and depression and she completely turned her back on me and our family. So, let’s be honest when we discuss betrayal. Both men and women are capable of it. And, quite frankly, it all sucks…
(USA) Hi Chris, You’re right on so many levels, with what you wrote in your comments. Both men AND women are capable of betraying their wedding vows. And it hurts more than most anyone could ever comprehend when that happens. I’m really sorry for your pain. It’s hard to understand how any human being could do that to another human being — let alone someone who vowed their love and loyalty to you. I truly sympathize with you and pray the Lord ministers to your broken heart and to the wide range of emotions you are experiencing.
You’re also right in thinking that the postings on this web site seem one-sided. The reason is because it’s been almost impossible for us to find anything written from the other side. It’s not that we haven’t looked or haven’t wanted to post things written from the standpoint of when a man is betrayed, but all we can post is what we can find. We will keep looking though. In the meantime, please apply what you can glean. Pain is pain, and it CAN be related to, whether it is experienced by a man or a woman. There are some differences, but hopefully you can find some things written on this web site that you can relate to. Sorry about that — truly! Keep checking back and we’ll keep looking… for your sake and for the sake of other men in your circumstances. And please, if you ever come across any articles written from a mans’ perspective on betrayal, please inform us. – Steve Wright
(USA) Hi Chris and Steve, Thanks for your comments. I agree that betrayal is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to understand, but I think when people can look through the hurtful actions and words of another, to what’s really driving them underneath, it’s easier to understand.
It’s hard to do if we, personally, are the recipient of someone else’s hurtful actions, but there is a level of emotional objectivity that can be achieved in walking with God for a LONG time and it takes a lot of patience and time and practice.
We all carry all sorts of baggage that starts with childhood and doesn’t end until we die. That negative baggage, unfortunately, is what drives all of us to hurt others at some time or another – some worse than others. People who were physically, emotionally or sexually abused tend to be the ones who not only hurt others, but hurt themselves, too, until they come to some sort of healing. There are also a lot of families with very bad communication skills so many people come into adulthood reacting instead of communicating because they simply don’t know any other way.
At any rate – the one observation I’ve noticed after leaving many comments on different pages on this site and reading the comments of others, is that women tend to talk things out more as a means to resolution and healing.
I think one of the reasons things might be a bit one-sided on these boards is not because men aren’t hurting – they just don’t seem to need/want to share it with others and write it/talk it through as a means of dealing with it as much as women do.
That might be one possibility for what seems to be mostly women making comments and sharing more than a few lines on a topic.
I’m praying for healing for God’s children that come to this website for help. With Christian love, LT