After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) I am now looking to what the future may look like after the revelation of a new affair on top of the 4 other ones I know about, not to mention those I don’t. The difference now is I don’t have little ones any more, they are almost grown! Realistically, I don’t think he can change, as his history is a good indicator of his future. Habitual cheaters statistically don’t change. The battle I have is between my head and my heart. Please help me! I also want to humiliate the "homewrecker" so badly to ensure that she will think twice before sleeping with another’s husband in the future. I have a video of the two of them together and he’s inserting an adult toy into her! It’s sickening and difficult to remove this site from my head! Please, if anyone out there has been in a similar situation, I would appreciate your advise and comments. Broken and vengeful
(TEXAS) I have been married for 28 years and I have been hurt by my husband deeply. I have no trust in him, for he had betrayed me many times and I just keep on praying over and over that God help me to be a good wife and to fix me. He (my husband) tells me that it is not me, but that it is him that have the problem. Why do you keep hurting me? Why are you with me, I ask him, and he always says because he loves me. Sorry if I don’t believe him now. That stopped along time ago. So we ended up separating for a long while (13 years to be on the dime).
So we decided to get back together and he said that he changed, after 13 years, mind you. Whatever happened in the past is the past. We will not bring that into our life again, and we both agreed to this. NOT even a good year had passed before he started seeing other women and calling them on the phone, meeting them while at work, and getting letters from an old lover on his job. I did not know that some of his old lovers were in the church that we attend and I wondered why he never wanted to sit with me at church. I never knew that he was keeping these things from me.
I wanted to renew our vows, so that we could start fresh and he denied me this, because again he knew that his ex’s were there and I did not. It hurt me so much when he told me "I don’t want to seem holier than thou" and I never knew what that meant. So I prayed to God and asked what did he mean by that? So it came out about the ex’s that are at the church. So when is enough enough? Can someone help me? I am soooo sad inside. I can not pick up the Bible any more and not that I am saying that it is God’s fault.
My husband and I are both believers, and when I say that we would both pray and sometimes fasting together, I mean that. I have tried to deal with it alone and then tried to get him to get marriage counseling. I am so sad. I am so hurt and I want to get on the right track, I just don’t know how. I want to leave him but I don’t want someone else to get the blessing that God has for the wife (me).
He gives money to other women and when I ask him for something, sometimes he tells me that God told him not to help me. WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I am your wife and you can help other women and not your wife? This is too much sometimes. I am not understanding! It is so deep and I feel that I need help to understand what is going on. Maybe it is me. I am not a basket case but I am hurting. This is just the tip of the iceberg. When is enough enough? And maybe it is me and I need help. I hope that you understand and I hope that I did not say anything wrong……..
(USA) Mary, Honey, I am going to pray for you very hard. Before I start I need to ask you a couple of questions. You say that your husband is a Christian correct? These actions are not that of someone who believes. He is knowingly living and participating in adultery and that is not the way Christ asks us to live. He is not a believer because he cannot say that he is saved by Christ and forgiven knowing that he is not repenting for his sin. He is breaking a very clear commandment here.
Mary I strongly suggest that you speak with your Pastor? This kind of sin cannot continue in the Lord’s house. If there are women there that are unknowing of your husband’s marital status (not knowing the size of your church) then they need to be told of his actions so that they may avoid him. If these women do know that he’s married to you and are uncaring of this fact, then they need to be brought to the attention of your Pastor and church family.
Matthew 18:15-17
15"If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[b] 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
This type of disrespect for our Father and His house cannot be tolerated by any church family according to the bible. As for your husband’s willingness to help his mistresses and not you. I invite you to read Ephesians 5:25-30
"25(H) Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and(I) gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by(J) the washing of water(K) with the word, 27so(L) that he might present the church to himself in splendor,(M) without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28In the same way(N) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because(O) we are members of his body."
If you need your husband’s help, he should help you and do so in a way that he would do for his own self should he need to. Wait, I am sorry, he should do so in a way that Christ would because he is the head and you are the body. His love should be sacrificial for you as Christ’s love was for the church. It doesn’t sound like he’s willing to sacrifice or to even give up committing adultery. I strongly advise you to go to your Pastor. Bring your problems to GOD and use HIS people to help you solve issues you have. Non-Christians walk a very different path and do not hold the same beliefs as Christians.
I will pray very hard for you Mary know that and that I Love ya sister. Love, LYNNE
(US) I recently was told by my husband whom I am madly in love with, that he was having an affair with a friend of mine on and off for two years and was considering leaving me. I love him to distraction. I always thought I knew what I would do in this situation, that I would kick him out….but I didn’t. I hurt so badly and I can’t make it stop.
He says he loves me, but that he loves her too. He never left me for her, but I don’t know if it is because he loves me or just because she won’t have him. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. Unfortunately, I love him so much it hurts.
Everyone has advice, but I know it is my decision. When I took out vows I meant them. Unfortunately, I know that he broke them. He is still here in the house and we are trying to go on as normal, though it is hard. He knows I am hurting. He is also hurting too.
I just don’t know what to do.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I just found out that my husband had an affair for 8 months with a woman that is also married. The really hard part is that she has a child that attends my daughters school. It has been three weeks since I found out. We have been going to a marriage counselor since the beginning of July but I feel that there hasn’t been a difference in our marriage. Well, at least the way I feel– I can’t get over the hurt or pain~ I know he is a good father, friend and person.
I just don’t know if we’re meant to be together. He has different view points of life. He says that he needs me to be physically attractive. (make up,etc) I’m so confused because we have a 7month old baby. How did we end up making him if he wasn’t attracted to me? Also, he said that I was being really mothering to him. Currently I’m trying to not be mothering but he still wants me to find solutions to our current financial problems, due to paying our marriage counselor. I really want him to be a Godly male figure for our household but don’t want to push him in the wrong direction. I really don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage but I also don’t want to take the easy way out.
(PHILIPPINES) I’m not married, but the love of my life, whom I have kids with, cheated on me. I had absolutely no idea that he has been cheating, or maybe I was just too trusting. We were happy for years until I found out. I only found out because the other woman told me. They’ve been going out for months behind my back. There came a point where he tried to win me back, but the minute he got me back, he told me that he didn’t love me and that he wanted to be with the other woman. I was devastated. Our relationship went from bad to worse so that I had to leave. Now he says that he loves me and wants me back. I find it hard to believe because of the hell he put me thru. He gets pissed when I’m angry, and says that the affair is over so I should just shut up about it. He thinks I’m just pushing it too much. It hasn’t even been 6 months since I found out. I feel like he just wants me to forget about it. He doesn’t truly care about me, does he?
(ORLANDO) I AM NOT MARRIED EITHER BUT IT SEEMS THAT HE ALREADY KNOWS THAT WHEN HE WANTS TO COME BACK YOU TAKE HIM BACK. IT REALLY DOESN’T SEEM LIKE HE CARES AT ALL. JUST AS LONG AS YOU TAKE HIM BACK IS ALL THAT HE CARES ABOUT. MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF? BECAUSE IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF AS FAR AS HAVING THIS MAN RUN IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE. TO ME, LOVE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT AND THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR ISN’T LOVE. I WOULD SAY ASK GOD FOR HELP TO REMOVE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE HE AIN’T GOING NO WHERE AND WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM BACK IN? ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOSING HIM OR ARE YOU AFRAID OF BEING ALONE?
(PHILIPPINES) I already lost him a long time ago. I guess I’m more afraid of not having a complete family. I grew up having a complete family and I don’t know how I would be able to explain what happened to my children. I couldn’t even tell if I still love him because everytime I look at him, it’s like I’m seeing a different person already. I do need to heal and leave this up to God. He doesn’t treat me the way I’m suppose to be treated and he doesn’t realize the extent of the pain he caused so I’m just going to let him be. Thanks so much for your response.
(PHILIPPINES) In my case, I think that being physically apart from him would be best. I hope and pray that things will be better for me and for my children. I hope that all the pain from the betrayal and the humiliation will just die a natural death. Thanks again.
(USA) My comment is more of a question. My husband and I have been married 13 yrs. 7 years into our marriage he had a one night stand. For most of the 13 yrs. he has had an addiction to porn. I knew about it several years ago, but thought he had dealt w/ it. Over the past year it has been a constant battle of his addiction and me confronting him. He has also had several emotional affairs through people he met at work. One he continues to work with. His choice for porn is to go on dating/escort/personal web-sites and hook up w/ people online. He says that he has never acted upon any of the relationships/people he has met with. He says it is all just online. Which to me is the same, he thought about it, so he might as well have done it.
About a month ago, he came clean about his addiction and we put a filter on our internet, he also subscribed to a daily devotional for people who struggle w/ that addiction. But here is my problem, I am devastated. I do not trust him at all. When he says he is going somewhere I don’t believe him. When he first told me about things I was angry, and I still am. But, I didn’t ask a lot of questions. But, now I have a lot of questions about certain things. Like once he went to get a massage and I now wonder if he went to have some other fantasy fulfilled. Should I ask him about that. Should I tell him every fear I have, every time I fear something, or should I just let it go?