After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(USA) Where do I begin. I recently found out that my husband of the past 10 years, with whom I share 3 children with, had a "so called" friend who just happened to be another woman who had NO idea that my husband was married, as he did not feel it was necessary to tell her this information. He says they were only friends and that they never got intimate and she says the same thing. Oh yeah did I mention that I called her and talked to her to find out what was going on?
I don’t believe that at all from either of them because it does not make sense that he would have to hide his wife and kids from her if he wasn’t interested in her and vice versa. I think that bothers me the most along with the fact that I had to catch him in order for him to stop it otherwise it would still be going on because I don’t think he would have come to the conclusion that he should stop on his own, I mean obviously he didn’t do that already.
Of course after the fact, he says how much it was wrong for him to lie to me and do this to me but I don’t know how to trust him. I am so tempted all the time to look at his phone and check his records. Sometimes I think the damage is done and I don’t know if I can trust him again. I know for me I will always wonder if he is telling me the truth and if he is going where he says he is and if he still is in contact with her. I mean how do you risk a 10 year marriage with 3 kids? I don’t understand that, he says one thing about wanting to be with me and loving me and then he goes and he does this and I just don’t understand all of that.
I lay in bed while he is sleeping and I just cry. I guess there are still some questions that I have. But should I keep bringing them up or what? I mean there were text messages, pictures messages, the whole shebang. I can’t mentally believe that nothing went on with them and I don’t know how to get past this whole thing and I don’t know how to tell my husband that I think about this all the time. I just don’t know how to say it. I have not NOT thought about it once since I found out.
(ENGLAND) I was in tears whilst reading this article…everything fits. My wife has had an affair, and brought it into my home too. However I still love her and am willing to try to forgive her. I just love her. Nothing else matters.
(USA) Michelle’s story is mine. The woman received monies, flowers and personal calls at least 4 times a week including the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and birthday as well as personal visits. Like you, I don’t trust him. I look at his phone, check his records and have discovered much more than I wanted. I have confronted the woman but she seems to feel his and her business have nothing to do with me. He’s begged, pleaded and even called her in my presence promising never to have contact. He claims to want to be with me a lifetime. Since, I don’t understand why or how this could happen. We enjoyed, I thought, a committed and passionate relationship throughout. I find it very difficult to move on. I feel staying in the relationship with so much about what happened is still unknown is a struggle. I love my husband and my family. I can’t see myself living without anyone of them, but can’t shake all the hurt, pain or misery.
(UNITED STATES) I really needed to read some of the things I have been reading, although none has come exactly to what I am experiencing but the feelings are the same. I would love some feed back, on my current situation.
After only knowing my husband 4 months I married him and after 5 months of marriage he committed a crime and went to prison for nine years. I stayed married to him and supported him and visited him 2x a month for the entire nine years. In the last years of his time we began to argue a lot and many times I threaten divorce, because of our negative interactions, and both our fears. I thought it would be best he go to a half way house before coming home, so that we could possibly rebuild our relationship and get to know one another again.
Well, he was totally against that and a week later I find out that has had pen pals he had been corresponding with so much as to have one he called his fiance and decided to go to that person because they were willing to take him in.
He was released and did just that. After 3 days out he called me and I was not bitter with him. He spoke as if everything was just grand, and I tried to avoid confrontation because I knew I would not get any answers. I decided to "act as if" he was a buddy and I ….well I don’t know what I thought, I just tried not to be angry.
After a couple of days of that, I could not take it anymore, because it was causing me extreme pain. He has been out 2 weeks and I went to his home town to visit my in laws and could not resist the opportunity to see, him. It was turbulent in the beginning and at first he projected an argument. Then he said, he needed a witness in case I was gonna try to cause him harm. He continue to blame me for what he was doing, and then he became civil. But he still avoided the exact nature.
I found myself asking if he wanted to come home and he said he would think about it, and then said he wanted to but he needed to do what he was doing first, so that he can be a man. Imagine that. After that visit, I felt elated for one day and then reality set in and I am very angry, and hurt, because when he got back to his environment of selected friends and family he began to speak to me over the phone aggressively as if he was on stage.
I have decided not to speak to him again for a while and to stay unavailable to his calls. As painful as it is not to call him, I realize he was not calling me either, and this hurts.
I guess my fears are that I will come back into the light and will not want him after the pain stops. Today I feel as if I do love him and want our marriage to continue. I do believe that a part of him does too, but he is very entangled into the world and the people that he has chosen to be a part of and to surround him with. I began to realize that his conversations to me on the phone are very aggressive as if he is trying to punish me, and continues to believe I am the reason for our separation.
Things are not going well for him and I am praying that I stand on faith, trust God’s plan, and stay out of God’s business. I know I have done all I can do, to the best of my ability. I feel betrayed, because never once has he acknowledged any gratitude for me sticking with him while he was in prison. Not even his family came to see him one time.
I guess I exceeded the comment and guess, what I have written, needed to be written. I am open for anyone Gods sees fit to respond to this. I also need to mention that there is a child, (not his) involved. She is now 16 and she is angry for me so I have to remain strong to explain to her, and at the same time, let her know that it’s okay to feel anger and disappointment, but hold no vengeance or resentments in her heart. Thank you all and thank you for this page.
(USA) Sorry I messed up. Anyway, after reading mizb from 9/23 I feel I need to respond… I am sorry for your loss. I know it hurts but let him go. He doesn’t deserve you and there is someone out there who will love you and care for you for all his life. Give it some time and trust in the Lord. He will take care of this and bring someone into your life that you deserve. God bless.
(USA) Chris in England: How is it going? I have the same exact problem. On Aug 22nd I found out my wife of 9 years has been having an emotional and sexual affair for 9 months. I am heart broken, mad, and very insecure. The affair was in many ways my fault – I did a lot of things wrong in our marriage but I didn’t deserve this and am really in love with her but having a lot of problems getting the thought of her with him out of my mind… how do you get past that???
(ENGLAND) Hi Stan, I’m sorry to hear of your problems. Truthfully, I cannot really give you any good advice as I’m still having big problems forgetting and forgiving what happened. I still love my wife completely, and I know she’s sorry for what she has done. However, the damage is done, and I don’t know if we can repair it.
Generally, things are better between us. We make better use of the time we spend together, and laugh more than we ever used to. Our sex life is better than ever, and strangely, it’s because I cannot get enough of my wife. Maybe I realise now what I had before. I nearly lost it.
Unfortunately, I do still have images pop into my head that I cannot shake. Every day I get sad over what happened, and it’s gotten to the point where I think about spending some time away from my wife. Maybe for a week, maybe permanent. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about what happened, and I have to decide (as do you) if the effort of repairing the relationship is worth it.
So, that’s where I am. Struggling to come to terms with what happened. There are good moments between us, and when I’m happy, I know I can forgive her. When I’m sad though, I’m not so sure.
The only bit of advice I can give you though is if you decide to give your marriage another try, then put 100% into it. When I found out about the affair, I taped the confession of the other man, and have tortured myself over it… should I tell his wife (he just got married, maybe he had cold feet), should I tell everyone. It’s stopped me from letting go of the past and moving on with my life. So, if you have anything similar that reminds you of the affair, get rid of it. Move on. After 9 years, you owe it to yourself to at least try.
And if it doesn’t work, at least you can tell yourself you gave it 100%.
On a separate note, I want to say I was disgusted by the number of websites that give advice to women after their partners cheat, yet I’ve struggled to find a site that offers the same kind of support to men. Unfortunately, it’s a fact of life that people assume men are at fault for a relationship ending… even my family (who don’t know about my wife’s infidelity). They think I’ve had an affair because they know we have been having problems.
I think it’s a problem that should be addressed, as when I felt at my lowest, I really did contemplate suicide, partly because I didn’t know what else to do, partly because I felt so alone, and partly because I couldn’t get support from anywhere.
Anyway, rant over. Stan, and everyone else on here that’s had to suffer the shame, hurt and humiliation of infidelity, I hope you can work out your problems, and come out happy. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just all have to decide if the trip there is worth it. Speak soon all.
(USA) My heart is broken into a million pieces! Please help! My story and feelings are very similar to struggling. My husband of 23 years had an emotional affair for ten months. I am devastated! I have known since the end of July and it is still so painful. My husband is so, so sorry. He apologizes daily, tells me how much he loves me, how he was an idiot, he took me for granted… on and on and on.
I love him and will never leave him. He feels that God did this to us for good reason. So he could realize what a wonderful wife and family he has and how he took us for granted. It was a "wake up call". He is so excited about our future together and how good our marriage will be now that God has opened his eyes.
My problem is, he still says that his friend was just that… a friend. I do not believe him. He says he was not emotionally attached to her and the texting, coffee and calls were just because they both enjoyed the attention. They texted up to 30 times a day and sometimes talked 8 times.
I have spent hours going over and highlighting the phone bill. Our phone bill tells the location you are in when the call is made so I know when they met also. I have asked him 100’s of times what they talked about. He replies… just life. How are you, what are you doing today. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! I believe there was more and he is trying to prevent me from more hurt. I spoke and received texts from his so called friend. She told me that they flirted, talked, texted like they were in high school (they were high school classmates).
She also said how amazing he was and she was starting to like him "A LOT", in the same breath telling me all he talked about was his family. She also shared with me that they had discussed why they had not told us (spouses). She said that she is a Christian and her and my husband had discussed how they could not believe they were having these feelings. My husband says those were her words not him. But all the texts and phone calls… UGH! How could it not have been more then just friends? These are the things I am struggling with.
1. This women knows so much about our family and I know very, very little about what they talked about — where my kids go to school, where and when we went on vacation, what my children enjoy. It makes me so sick! I want to rip her head off! It is so painful! How do I get over the anger I feel towards her. I do not like the person I have become and it kills me. I feel like I lost ten months of my life. Please help me so I can try to heal. I am going to die!
2. I feel I need to know everything they did and talked about! I have tried to go over the bill with him so he will share more information and all he says is he does not remember. Also, he says that looking at the bill makes him sick and hurt also. How can you forget so quickly? For some strange reason I feel so strongly that I need to know everything to move forward. Why?
4. For the first time in my entire life I am insecure and I hate it. I hate the thoughts I have in my head. I am so jealous of her and the time they spent together. My husband says… but it is you I love, it is you I want, it is you I want to spend the rest of my life with… not her. He thinks I should just be able to think of our future together and the pain will just go away. Does it work that way?
3. TRIGGERS! All of these triggers all day long. The meeting place was Star Bucks so every time I see a Star Bucks, it triggers and the pain gets worse again (the pain is still there, it has never gone away it just gets worse at times).
She works at a popular clothing store so every time I see that store I think about it.
Oh, so many things… his phone (I bought him a new one because I could not stand the sight of that one). A family portrait we had taken during the affair… had to put it away. Every time I saw it all I could think about was that he was seeing her while we had it taken. Portraits of our children that were taken while they were seeing each other… on and on and on.
Oh, and probably one of the hardest is that her husband is the spokesperson for a local emergency department. He is on the radio and the news weekly! I have to listen to him. I feel sorry for the poor man. I do not believe he knows. I want to tell him about the "emotional affair" his wife had with my husband. How do you move past all the triggers?
Please help… we are going to marriage counseling but I feel that talking with people who have been through this might give me some good advice. Sorry for the rambling. God Bless… Broken Heart
(USA) Nice article, I have similar story. Its been some time since my girlfriend left for Europe. We met each other in NYC and spent years together. All of sudden she decide leave to go back to her hometown in Europe… Oh man, I was heart broken! The question how to get over a broken heart was and is on my mind every minute of the day. The truth is I still love her. I just hope for bright future.
(NIGERIA) Hi Broken heart, I’m sorry about your situation. I understand what you are talking about. I found myself in a similar situation. My husband dated 2 friends. Without their knowledge, he wanted kids from them. He even begged a Russian lady 8 yrs older with a 23 year old son to marry him. He was in the labor room with me when I gave birth to my last baby and all the pain I went thru, yet he in his heart named my baby after the Russian woman.
They are constantly in touch along with some others. Some times, they will flash him and he will call them in my absence and visa versa. He lied to me telling me he had to go to a club when he was outside the country. But in his mail to one of them he says " each time I get to the club I am always lonely because you are not there".
Recently, the Russian woman, who is a divorcee, sent some pics and a song to my husband. Answer me, if she was better than me would the husband have left her?
Broken heart, don’t believe those lies she told you about flirting with your husband and other things. They are tricks from her to make you divorce your husband. Tell the strange woman that it does not matter what your husband does, that you love him and will not divorce him for her or anyone else.
She is the daughter of the devil, a destroyer. Please don’t listen to her. Continue working and fighting for your marriage. God will see us thru because sometimes when I remember the past I feel like quitting, but our merciful God will handle everything. God bless you.
My husband has hurt me so much that I don’t trust him one bit, but I am holding on to God to rebuild the trust I had with him when we first started.