After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage. The language of anger is never pleasant; however, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The ideal, of course, would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction-whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses: loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged; gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent, and the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
• They feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
• They feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are for the time that they’ve been in it.
• They will even pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the dinner table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
The above article comes from the book, TORN ASUNDER – Recovery from Extramarital Affairs -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers, www.moodypublishers.com. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book!
There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular which is EXCELLENT is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.” We wish we could have put this portion of the book on our web site but it’s too long to be able to honor the author’s copyright privilege and it really can’t be shortened to do it justice. You really need to get the book to have this as well as the other helpful information. (If you’re dealing with this problem and you can’t get this book in your country then please contact the publisher at the above web site and see if there’s something that can be arranged.)
They also have a section in it which includes a questionnaire that addresses: “Are You at Risk for an Affair?” It’s an excellent tool to identify personal growth areas for you and your spouse to discuss and develop and is designed to help evaluate personal history and lifestyle which parallels with those who have been involved in adultery. We were surprised by some of the questions and what can set people up to have an affair. It might help you too. This book is filled with many other great insights also!
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(AUSTRALIA) I found out my husband was having an affair with the Au Pair 12 months ago. I left and he told me he hoped we could work it out. He then spent the next 9 months not seeing his children because he was too busy with her, all the time telling me he wanted to work it out with me. He thought it would be okay to continue the relationship as long as I did not find out. I feel hurt and betrayed all over again, except that this time the hurt is deeper, even though I did not think that was possible. I cannot see a time when I will be free of what he has done and look at life positively again.
(USA) I have been married for 9 years to a wonderful woman and have 2 great kids. About three weeks ago I cheated on her with a woman that was watching our kids and a friend of both of us. I have told my wife everything and now I feel the pain and hurt that I have put her through. I also hurt more than I could ever know. I feel like I am the worst thing in the world. This is the worst thing that a spouse could ever do to the one they love and give there life to.
To all you ladies that have been hurt and are in doubt about your husbands: if they say they love you with all their hearts and mean it that they will never do this again, I am standing proof of that. I told my wife that I will never hurt her again and mean every word. I hope and pray every day that we can put this behind us and go on with our lives cause divorce is not the way out for us. I love my wife with all my heart and always will. If anyone has any advice for us please let us know. Thanks
(US) I too have been trying to overcome an affair. It has been almost ten years and with our third child on the way. We have been together four fourteen years. It is true, the pain becomes less and less. However, being married is not easy and when you have to deal with marriage and kids, stress, work… the process of overcoming an affair becomes much more difficult.
Anything can bring you back to the betrayal. Once you think the pain has subsided, your infidel may come home late from work and you are back at square one. It takes a lot of work and commitment to stay. If you decide to stay, remind yourself you made the choice to stay, which in turn, means you too have to make the commitment to work on how to make things better with your spouse.
(USA) Please don’t assume that betrayal only goes one way. My wife faked an injunction to have the police kick me out of the house so her mystery boyfriend could move in. She is destroying a family, a marriage (over 20 years) and the family finances. Men do cry too.
(USA) Kathy, Thank you for your comment. I was betrayed 8 months ago and I stayed with my husband to try to work it out but all I could think about was the betrayal. I never fully forgave him and began to resent him. I became very angry and bitter towards him and he couldn’t understand why. We are presently separated in hopes that his actions during and after this time can prove that he truly wants this marriage and wants it to work. During this time I will be working on fully forgiving him because if I don’t we won’t be able to move forward.
Really ask yourself if you have fully forgiven your husband, although it was so long ago. When I read your comment, it frightened me because when we reconcile, I could be in your shoes. I pray God closes that door behind you and allows you to live in the fullness of your present life in your marriage.
(UNITED STATES) I just went through this with my husband this year. We have not been married long and already he betrayed me in this way. I am still having to deal with the anger of it all. I did get back together with him but I am always worried about when he will do it again to me. To begin with, I still wonder what I did to cause him to do this in the first place? I am still hurt from it and every time I bring it up with him he seems to get angry with me about the issue. He will tell me I need to let it go…
But I can’t seem to trust him the same way I did before. He didn’t sleep around on me but he did the internet thing talking and flirting with other women. I found pictures that he sent them of himself and the woman. I did talk to the women and they had no clue he was married; he did not tell them this. I wonder why men do this? I am faithful and I have never done anything to my husband to make him not trust me. I am just wondering where this will all go with us. And will I ever survive the hurt that he has caused me?
I deal with this alone; I don’t go to counseling about any of it. I came back to him because I love him and I do believe that it is the right thing to do as a Christian woman. But I am at a stand still about my trust in my husband… I don’t know if I will ever let my guard down again and trust him like I did before. He doesn’t seem to care about the hurt he has caused me at all. He believes it is over and done with and the issue is resolved with him. But not with me… and it won’t be until I can find healing within my heart over this issue.
(USA) Jessica: I too went through the same thing with my husband five years ago. Every time I would bring up the subject or her name he would get angry. He even told me that if I wasn’t to bring it up because he would get angry with me. Five years later, I find out it was still continuing. By my bringing it up I was making him face a reality he wasn’t willing to. My advice to you would be to check and double check everything he says – if he is not truthful now get out – don’t waste another five years on a man who is not worthy of your love and trust.
(USA) I just found out three days ago that my husband cheated on me. I had a gut feeling that something had happened, and I wound up finding the girl’s number and she told me everything. As if this wasn’t enough, she is pregnant and says there is a small chance that the baby could be his. I was shocked and angry and so upset. To make matters worse, he is in the military and currently deployed. He gets a 15 minute phone call once a week if we are lucky. Thankfully he got to call the day after and he admitted what had happened.
I am absolutely crushed. Words can’t even describe. If I didn’t have a good relationship with God I cannot honestly say what I would have done. I don’t know where to go from here. My gut tells me to give him a second chance, but I wonder if this is really what God has for me. Is this part of His plan for my life, or was I never supposed to even be with this man and this is His way of telling me? I don’t feel like marrying him was a mistake, but the few people I have talked to seem to think that I would be foolish to forgive him. I can’t make the decision on my own, I have too many emotions involved to push them out of the way. I am really seeking God’s will for my life, and I keep coming back to His forgiveness and mercy. Again, that could just be my emotions talking, but he is taking this better than I would have expected. There is nothing that he could say that would make me know I should stay, but there are a lot of things that he could have said that would lead me to believe I should go.
Am I crazy to keep falling back on reminders of God’s great mercy and forgiveness as a reason to give my husband a second chance? Or am I only forgiving him to end up having this happen again? If only I could see into people’s hearts like God can. At least I know there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me.
(USA) Good Morning, I never knew there were so many people out there hurting like me. I have been married for 16 years. Initially, we were not Christians, but were baptized together with my oldest daughter. My husband is in the military, and eventually became an Elder in the church. Whenever he would preach, I would sing prior to him bringing the Word. We were very deeply involved in the church, especially with the youth.
I noticed him getting a bit distant, and then really realized it when we were in church one day and asked him if he was going up for prayer with me. His response, “I don’t have to go up and pray with you all the time!” Things had already been going downhill no thanks to his selfishness, greed, and feeding his mother and other members of his family and friends untruths about me in order to make himself shine.
We had relocated after a transfer, and he would complain about giving me money for anything… beds for the children, school supplies, my vehicle needed some work, and so I went into debt again. He even stated after I had approached him about us living like room mates that “if it wasn’t for my money situation, I would not be here.” Mind you we always take some type of vacation. Last year he said that we could not because he didn’t have any money… he didn’t even buy my son clothes for school last year.
Around the time the affair came to light, he did not know that I was aware, and without letting him know what I knew, I asked him to just let me go… he didn’t agree right away, but then got bold and was like whatever, lets just get a divorce.
He would always put me down and discourage me with phrases such as “Look at me, there are lots of women out there who would want me.” “You, you have three children, and no man would want to get with someone who has three kids… I’m a hot commodity.” “Do you know what women out there would do for the security and benefits that you have?” “You need to get on your job.”
I was always ashamed and embarrassed to talk with anyone, and he knew this, so he was counting on me doing the same. The kicker is that he would still get up in the pulpit and preach as though nothing was wrong for two years. I would try to talk to him and ask “How come we can’t live what you preach?” He would either get angry and say nothing, or tell me to live it if I wanted to. The church members who loved us so dearly had no idea that after we left the church, the show was over and he wouldn’t speak to me if he didn’t have to.
After finding out about the affair, I was absolutely DEVASTATED!!! Not only because this was the first or second time that my trust had been betrayed, but because we were supposed to be Christians!!! Initally when I found out, I already knew I would have to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. However, we had agreed not to talk to each other and that I should only call him if there is an emergency with the kids. I decided to drive to the state he was in to catch him, but then he called not knowing what I knew and said he wanted to work this out. I did confront him when I arrived. Of course he did not admit to the affair at first, and then thought I was going to sleep with him that night!! He finally admitted to the affair the next day. The devastating part of this nightmare was that this woman knew everything about me, where I lived, would make comments to him about when she drove by what she saw, and that he had sex with this woman without any protection…
After we tried to work it out, she would text him to ask him how his day went, etc., and that’s when I asked him to give up her e-mail. He gave the wrong one at first, but then gave the correct one. I was very brief, cordial, and lady-like in asking her not to make contact with my husband. She replied in such a manner as to make fun of me telling me that I should have been on my job and copied him also stating to him “Is this what you were talking about?” Obviously he had frontloaded her but told me he did not. She even knew my medical history and made fun of me in her e-mail response, just saying demeaning things. I should have seen it then, but he did not protect me at all, and I should have known this was not going to work out. He promised he had told this woman off, not to call him or he would get a restraining order on her, etc., all the stuff he thought I would want to hear. It seemed so perfect until… I found out he had still been talking to her the entire time just deleting the calls from his phone.
He travels a great deal with his job, and uses this forum to conduct his secret rendezvous. Even after he told me that we would have no vacation last year, he took this woman and her kids to Disney in Florida while he should have been “working”. He sent the kids things from Toys R Us via e-mail, and even took her to meet his best friend who was in our wedding, who owns strip clubs, etc. Not only that, he took her to Las Vegas for almost a week, and I am the one who took him and picked him up from the airport.
I knew I had to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. So when I found out 4 months later after his professing to leave that life alone that he was supposed to be going out of town to one state, but got some intel on how he was landing where she was at and planned to take a long drive to where he was supposed to be for his job, I drove down so that I would arrive before the plane landed and took pictures. I called as I was watching him, and called again while he was eating. I asked where he was eating and he said our favorite restaurant. Little did he know that I was waiting outside the restaurant and when they both came out I thought I would die!!!
I went back to where I know they were going, her house, but they made a pitstop at her sister’s house and this is when I knocked on the door and his hand was caught in the cookie jar. He was shocked out of his mind and was begging me to listen to him that it was nothing and then had the nerve to invite me in so we could all sit down and talk! Of course I told him he was crazy and that I was done.
He even took us with him on a road trip as he went to visit his offices, and complained about the traveling when he didn’t mind traveling for the… Anyway, I am tired and I don’t see evidence of true change and committment not to me, but to God. If he cannot serve and obey God out of love, I don’t think he will ever be able to love me.
Right now, we are still living together, and he constantly says that he has changed, but I have my intel staff and I have information that proves otherwise in big ways. I am truly living with a person who displays the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and it is taxing on my spirituality and self-esteem. I have never been able to tell him how I really feel and let my anger out. He expects me to be over this already.
I cry to myself all the time, and my prayer life is a struggle, but I still hold on because I truly believe God has a plan for me. I continue to work with the kids in church because they keep me going. I just worry about all those lives we touched, he taught and how this would devastate them and our children… should I continue to be humble and suffer in silence because of what it will do to them? LaTay
(UK) Hi Latay, I have just read your story and I am just heart broken by the devastation your husband has put on you. Firstly I just sense how strong you have been and continue to be, to have had the strength to confront him instead of pretending that everything is ok like some people do is a testiment to your walk with God and your love for him, because alone it would be impossible.
My story is slightly different from yours but the pain, anger and devastation is exactly the same. Last year on our 2nd wedding anniversary my husband confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction, and throughout our relationship he’d gone into mens public toilets and had received oral sex from strange men. After his confession soooooooooooooooo many things came to light about his sexual brokenness and all I wanted to do was to run a million miles away from him because I could not believe that my man, the one who had promised to love, honour and protect me for the rest of my life was capable of such a thing, and I honestly hated him.
I stayed and am still here but only because of Christ and the strength he has given me and my husband.
My husband has been amazing. He has taken everything I’ve given him, my anger, my pain and so much more, because he loves me and knows exactly what he has done and the consequences of his actions.
I do not believe his words, but his actions, because once trust has been violated words mean nothing, but actions mean everything and is evidence of true change and understanding on the part of your husband.
From your story it sounds as though your husband is continuing to be completely selfish and feels nothing for the pain he has caused you and continues to cause you. He has lied and continues to lie about all the things he has been doing. If he understood the true consequences of his betrayal he would not be acting this way, because the tears you cry would break his heart, and he would NEVER EVER want to be the cause of another tear drop from your eyes again.
It must be so hard still being in the same house as him. If there is any way for you to separate just for a while, I would advise it because that really helped my husband and me. While he is there you still have a constant reminder of the hurt he is causing. Only you know what you need to do but remember that infidelity is the one thing which allows you to be free to leave a marriage, if you want to. Unless your husband is prepared to do EVERYTHING in his power to mend your marriage it will not suceed, it’s so difficult when both partners are willing to work at the marriage, but when one so blatently does not want to yet continue to confess that they do, your chances of success are practically zero.
Deciding to leave is the most difficult choice you will ever have to make, even after all the pain he has caused you, but unfortunately it may be one you will have to make. If you can see that he is willing and able to, then that can be the start of your healing together. But if he is not, then you will have to find the strength within you to say “I am a beautiful loved daughter of God. Even if I was the only one on earth, he still would have opened his arms and died on the cross for me, because that is how much I am worth, and I will not accept anything less. My Father in heaven loves me and knows that I am his most precious child. He will be my strenth when I am weak, when I cry his heart breaks and he wipes away my tears. When I can not carry on, he will pick me up and take me to the place I need to be. He will embrace me as a father embraces a daughter. No matter what happens, I will never walk alone because he is ALWAYS with me”.
Please do not let the shame of his actions keep you in bondage. Do not keep his secret, speak to people who love you and who you trust. You did not do this, he did. You do not have to suffer in silence, and trust me, the shame of what has happened to you will shoke you until you break free from it.
For about 8 months I didn’t tell any of my friends and family about my husband actions, and I grew even more angry and bitter towards him because I felt that in setting himself free by his confession, he had imprisoned me because I was advised not to tell anyone. So when I couldn’t take it anymore I confessed all to my 2 best friends of 17 years, and my husband himself sat down with my family members and told them everything that had happened from his confession day.
I was so proud of him, and it proved to me that what he was saying was the truth, that he would do whatever it took to add to my healing. He had said it so many times, but until he proved it with his actions the word meant nothing.
For your children, it sounds like you are part of a great church. You have to give them up to God, trust that he will protect them and surround them with love, children will always rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVE in a broken home. Their childhood is so precious, if you don’t get it right they will suffer in the long run. My husband’s behaviour started when he was 7 years old, just a baby, yet his parents had no clue what was happening.
Children have a way of making things their fault when it is not, so all you can do is to be honest with them, and let them know no matter what happens Mummy and Daddy love them more than anything in the world.
My 7 year old daughter is from a previous relationship. She calls my husband daddy because her biological father (sperm donor, I call him) abandoned her when she was 2 years old. At the time I thought she would be detroyed but I gave her up to God and he has done amazing things in her life. I’m so proud and blessed to be her mother, but there was times when I didn’t think we would survive.
The things God can do for is just beyound anything we could ever imagine. What is impossible for us, is so simple for him, if we just allow him to do his work in us. Just remember just how loved you are, when you cry, others like me care, but more than that God cares.
I will be praying for you and your wonderful children. Much love and prayers always. Caroline xxx
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have been married for 25 five years and found out last year that my husband had an affair with his boss. Both him and her are in very high profile jobs. She is a married woman as well. We have three children, the youngest 15 years who has suffered the most of the children.
When I found the proof of the affair I confronted him alone and her when I saw them together. Never did he admit or explain. As a matter of fact, he continued to humiliate me in front of the children and her. He said at one stage that he can’t get along with me personally any more to justify staying together. When he caught me with his mobile in my hands he told me in front of the young one that things are over between me and him even before I could say anything.
I was shocked and horified as I was under the impression we had a happy marriage. Never did he complain or tell me anything of what I did wrong. As I couldnt get anything out of him and he continued with the relationship, he stopped talking to me and could come and go as he wanted, I decided for my own sake and the children’s emotional well being that I’d have to be seperated from this man. As you say in one of your posts, he is toxic to be around.
I asked him to leave and he did. It’s now 13 months later and I broke all contact with him. He has also not even tried to contact me in the last year. Even though some of the payments used to come off his salary which he didn’t cancel and is still paying, he has left me with the the children. They all stay with me still and even with the house and all the maintenance bills, I am doing ok financially because I have a great career myself. I am a professional sports person and am in progress author. Yet I am emotionally very hurt and angry and all the things that one feels when you have been betrayed.
The worse is he just left without any answers or explanations or showing any remorse for the pain he has caused which makes the recovery so much harder. I doubt myself and I am gong over the situation in my mind every day, over and over, although I know that there is no benefit to this. I am now alone with my three children and just working hard and training hard etc. I tell very few people about it; I am so ashamed. I feel like the failure.
He was travelling a lot (I helped him become a success) so I just say to people he is still travelling thus explaining why he is not around. He has very little contact with the children. He only sees the two girls now and then. He buys them a lot of stuff and then disappears. He doesn’t support them emotionally. He never really has been there for me or the children emotionally; he was always working toward his own success and happiness.
I read all the articles on coping with betrayal and infidelity, yet why can’t I get it out of my mind? How can I recover emotionally and move on? Physically I have moved on but not emotionally. He has also not started a divorce after a year now and we are still married.
(USA) Dear Lynette, How my heart cries with you over the injustice and confusion of what you have gone through because of your husband’s unfaithfulness. How sorry I am that you and your children are going through this. No human being should do this to another. I will never understand how someone can justify cheating, betrayal, and deception like this and breaking their spouse’s heart. It’s never, ever OK.
In answer to your question of how do you “recover emotionally and move on” … the answer is, it will not be easy, as you are painfully learning every hour of every day. After cleaving together in marriage, it’s as if half of you has been amputated and torn away from you — which is a horrific injury to recover from. You add to this the confusion of all of the “why’s” and you have to know that you are battling through a LOT of emotions to get to a better place emotionally.
But I encourage you NOT to lose patience with yourself that you WILL smile again and you WILL get to a better place emotionally. I truly believe you will with the Lord’s help. And I encourage you to try your best and reach out for the Lord’s strength to stop asking the “why’s” of it all. As you may have read on this web site and other web sites we link to — you can have a VERY good marriage and yet it can be destroyed by an affair. Why… we may never know. It is one of those situations where sin abounds and leaves behind confused and undeserving victims such as yourself.
Yes, you could have had a great marriage, and yet infidelity can still invade it. That seems to be one of those mysteries that most people don’t realize or prepare for (by putting up safeguards to help prevent this type of thing from occurring). Who would think you could have a GOOD marriage, and yet your marriage is still vulnerable to being invaded by infidelity? And yet it happens, as you painfully know.
PLEASE work hard to throw out the need for questions to be answered from a man who is incapable of being open and honest with you. He has shown himself to be disconnected from treating you in compassionate ways. Instead, lean upon the Lord to help you look for good in life and for ways to bring laughter for you and your children, and a new focus. Pray and ask the Lord for a new vision for your life — to live with your head held high — not as a victim.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it may seem easier for me to say that than for you to live it. But I can’t imagine anyone who is a quality person to look down at you. You have every reason to hold your head up. YOU didn’t cheat, your husband did. You are being a responsible mother and person, and are doing the best you can under these circumstances. I have the highest respect for you. You are an overcomer. I pray you will grab onto the confidence the Lord can give you to live your life in an even more victorious way. I pray for you Lynette. May God give you help, strength, confidence, the ability to look beyond the questions, and a new vision for your life. And may God give you hope and joy beyond human understanding!
(IRELAND) Cindy… I read your reply to another good lady who was misfortunate enough to have given her undiluted love to yet another emotional Vampire. I must say to you I found your words so calming and lifting and you are right “I” did NOT have an affair, lie, cheat, and abandon a little 2 year old baby… HE DID!!! He is also the one who drained every little drop of love, life and energy from me, in order to feed the false image he portrayed of himself… WELL NOT ANYMORE!!! That ship has sunk… It has taken a flood of tears, and some time. But I know I CAN live alone and one day I will be truly content while he still searches for whatever it is he thinks he gets from hurting people.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Dear Linda and Cindy, We are continents apart yet we share the same pain. As much pain and difficulties I have because of his unfaithfulness after my lifetime commitment to him I know that I will never take him back and can sense the same from your words. My husband has left all of us behind after 25 years of support and love and 3 children of his own blood couldn’t stop him from running after an already married woman who he has known for 3 years through only working for her.
Surely we couldn’t have meant much to him if he could so easily be lured away. I hope this woman brings him joy and like you say: he gets whatever it is he is searching for hurting people in the process.
(BAHAMAS) I married the same man twice. I am applying for a second divorce for the same reason. Affairs! I caught my husband with two woman in one week. The only thing I feel like doing right now is drinking some Bacardi and coke. But, I don’t drink! So maybe I should burn up all of his clothes like the last time. No, I was younger and immature. Guess what, I am now 50 lbs overweight, addicted to sugar and feeling lost and found at the same time.
This time I am going to forgive myself first. I am going to cry. I never cried before. Then I am going to finish my degree, begin to reward myself because I survived. Next, I am going to laugh. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I married him twice. Yes, he had gold and diamonds twice at his feet. He was just too blind to see the value. Yes, I may be above normal weight, but I am going to say it I am BEAUTIFUL! I heard God, there is no perfect man. I am going to celebrate me. Praise God, I DON’T HAVE AIDS.
What is going to happen today? I don’t know? Will I cry? Yes! But I am going to fight for my peace, joy and self esteem. Wow! I give it away. Yes, he schemes. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sounds weird. Good! All dead leaves fall off the tree eventually. I cannot hold on to dead things. It is time for a new life.
To all my sisters and brothers who had someone who left or betrayed you, new life is about to begin. Not in another person, but in you. Feel love, and forgiveness. If you hate, you lose and they win. Remember, darkness is very small compared to the light in you. Don’t give away your life to anyone. Don’t give them the power to break you down any more. Don’t belittle the person, but go higher, speak well of them. Your love was never dark or polluted. Your loyalty proves you are a person of light. Joy is your right. It is within you. No one has the right to your joy. Joy is your hope! Joy is our Hope!! It is our reason to live. No more! Don’t look for perfect people. Begin to love you. I know this my darkest point but somehow it feels as if it is my brightest. I love me. You love you. Don’t let this moment define you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Lenore, Wow, is all I can say. You are right, your husband had diamonds and gold at his feet and he was too blind to see! And, the same for all these innocent woman who have been hurt and betrayed.
I am a professional sportsperson so my advice to you is: With a little hard work you can lose all the extra weight you have and all of us others can fix the little things that bother us too but our husbands are stained forever. They cannot clean out the darkness in their hearts and they cannot undo the infidelity, the hurt they caused others.
You talk about light and darkness and it reminds me of what my mother always use to say.
She said : “One day when you are old you want to look back at your life behind you and see light, not darkness.”