I seriously contemplated suicide several times during my now ex-wife’s affair.

My divorce was even longer ago than your story and my ex-wife is still bitter, uncommunicative, and she’s the one who had the affair, sought the divorce.

So it gets better, but not much with respect to relationships with those who betray. I think the only reason it’s better is because I’m not exposed every day to the abuse she dishes out.

I am a professional sportsperson so my advice to you is: With a little hard work you can lose all the extra weight you have and all of us others can fix the little things that bother us too but our husbands are stained forever. They cannot clean out the darkness in their hearts and they cannot undo the infidelity, the hurt they caused others.

You talk about light and darkness and it reminds me of what my mother always use to say.
She said : “One day when you are old you want to look back at your life behind you and see light, not darkness.”

This time I am going to forgive myself first. I am going to cry. I never cried before. Then I am going to finish my degree, begin to reward myself because I survived. Next, I am going to laugh. I am going to laugh and laugh and laugh. I am not going to feel sorry for myself anymore. I married him twice. Yes, he had gold and diamonds twice at his feet. He was just too blind to see the value. Yes, I may be above normal weight, but I am going to say it I am BEAUTIFUL! I heard God, there is no perfect man. I am going to celebrate me. Praise God, I DON’T HAVE AIDS.

What is going to happen today? I don’t know? Will I cry? Yes! But I am going to fight for my peace, joy and self esteem. Wow! I give it away. Yes, he schemes. But it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sounds weird. Good! All dead leaves fall off the tree eventually. I cannot hold on to dead things. It is time for a new life.

To all my sisters and brothers who had someone who left or betrayed you, new life is about to begin. Not in another person, but in you. Feel love, and forgiveness. If you hate, you lose and they win. Remember, darkness is very small compared to the light in you. Don’t give away your life to anyone. Don’t give them the power to break you down any more. Don’t belittle the person, but go higher, speak well of them. Your love was never dark or polluted. Your loyalty proves you are a person of light. Joy is your right. It is within you. No one has the right to your joy. Joy is your hope! Joy is our Hope!! It is our reason to live. No more! Don’t look for perfect people. Begin to love you. I know this my darkest point but somehow it feels as if it is my brightest. I love me. You love you. Don’t let this moment define you.

Surely we couldn’t have meant much to him if he could so easily be lured away. I hope this woman brings him joy and like you say: he gets whatever it is he is searching for hurting people in the process.

In answer to your question of how do you “recover emotionally and move on” … the answer is, it will not be easy, as you are painfully learning every hour of every day. After cleaving together in marriage, it’s as if half of you has been amputated and torn away from you — which is a horrific injury to recover from. You add to this the confusion of all of the “why’s” and you have to know that you are battling through a LOT of emotions to get to a better place emotionally.

But I encourage you NOT to lose patience with yourself that you WILL smile again and you WILL get to a better place emotionally. I truly believe you will with the Lord’s help. And I encourage you to try your best and reach out for the Lord’s strength to stop asking the “why’s” of it all. As you may have read on this web site and other web sites we link to — you can have a VERY good marriage and yet it can be destroyed by an affair. Why… we may never know. It is one of those situations where sin abounds and leaves behind confused and undeserving victims such as yourself.

Yes, you could have had a great marriage, and yet infidelity can still invade it. That seems to be one of those mysteries that most people don’t realize or prepare for (by putting up safeguards to help prevent this type of thing from occurring). Who would think you could have a GOOD marriage, and yet your marriage is still vulnerable to being invaded by infidelity? And yet it happens, as you painfully know.

PLEASE work hard to throw out the need for questions to be answered from a man who is incapable of being open and honest with you. He has shown himself to be disconnected from treating you in compassionate ways. Instead, lean upon the Lord to help you look for good in life and for ways to bring laughter for you and your children, and a new focus. Pray and ask the Lord for a new vision for your life — to live with your head held high — not as a victim.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it may seem easier for me to say that than for you to live it. But I can’t imagine anyone who is a quality person to look down at you. You have every reason to hold your head up. YOU didn’t cheat, your husband did. You are being a responsible mother and person, and are doing the best you can under these circumstances. I have the highest respect for you. You are an overcomer. I pray you will grab onto the confidence the Lord can give you to live your life in an even more victorious way. I pray for you Lynette. May God give you help, strength, confidence, the ability to look beyond the questions, and a new vision for your life. And may God give you hope and joy beyond human understanding!

When I found the proof of the affair I confronted him alone and her when I saw them together. Never did he admit or explain. As a matter of fact, he continued to humiliate me in front of the children and her. He said at one stage that he can’t get along with me personally any more to justify staying together. When he caught me with his mobile in my hands he told me in front of the young one that things are over between me and him even before I could say anything.

I was shocked and horified as I was under the impression we had a happy marriage. Never did he complain or tell me anything of what I did wrong. As I couldnt get anything out of him and he continued with the relationship, he stopped talking to me and could come and go as he wanted, I decided for my own sake and the children’s emotional well being that I’d have to be seperated from this man. As you say in one of your posts, he is toxic to be around.

I asked him to leave and he did. It’s now 13 months later and I broke all contact with him. He has also not even tried to contact me in the last year. Even though some of the payments used to come off his salary which he didn’t cancel and is still paying, he has left me with the the children. They all stay with me still and even with the house and all the maintenance bills, I am doing ok financially because I have a great career myself. I am a professional sports person and am in progress author. Yet I am emotionally very hurt and angry and all the things that one feels when you have been betrayed.

The worse is he just left without any answers or explanations or showing any remorse for the pain he has caused which makes the recovery so much harder. I doubt myself and I am gong over the situation in my mind every day, over and over, although I know that there is no benefit to this. I am now alone with my three children and just working hard and training hard etc. I tell very few people about it; I am so ashamed. I feel like the failure.

He was travelling a lot (I helped him become a success) so I just say to people he is still travelling thus explaining why he is not around. He has very little contact with the children. He only sees the two girls now and then. He buys them a lot of stuff and then disappears. He doesn’t support them emotionally. He never really has been there for me or the children emotionally; he was always working toward his own success and happiness.

I read all the articles on coping with betrayal and infidelity, yet why can’t I get it out of my mind? How can I recover emotionally and move on? Physically I have moved on but not emotionally. He has also not started a divorce after a year now and we are still married.

My story is slightly different from yours but the pain, anger and devastation is exactly the same. Last year on our 2nd wedding anniversary my husband confessed to me that he had a sexual addiction, and throughout our relationship he’d gone into mens public toilets and had received oral sex from strange men. After his confession soooooooooooooooo many things came to light about his sexual brokenness and all I wanted to do was to run a million miles away from him because I could not believe that my man, the one who had promised to love, honour and protect me for the rest of my life was capable of such a thing, and I honestly hated him.

I stayed and am still here but only because of Christ and the strength he has given me and my husband.
My husband has been amazing. He has taken everything I’ve given him, my anger, my pain and so much more, because he loves me and knows exactly what he has done and the consequences of his actions.
I do not believe his words, but his actions, because once trust has been violated words mean nothing, but actions mean everything and is evidence of true change and understanding on the part of your husband.

From your story it sounds as though your husband is continuing to be completely selfish and feels nothing for the pain he has caused you and continues to cause you. He has lied and continues to lie about all the things he has been doing. If he understood the true consequences of his betrayal he would not be acting this way, because the tears you cry would break his heart, and he would NEVER EVER want to be the cause of another tear drop from your eyes again.

It must be so hard still being in the same house as him. If there is any way for you to separate just for a while, I would advise it because that really helped my husband and me. While he is there you still have a constant reminder of the hurt he is causing. Only you know what you need to do but remember that infidelity is the one thing which allows you to be free to leave a marriage, if you want to. Unless your husband is prepared to do EVERYTHING in his power to mend your marriage it will not suceed, it’s so difficult when both partners are willing to work at the marriage, but when one so blatently does not want to yet continue to confess that they do, your chances of success are practically zero.

Deciding to leave is the most difficult choice you will ever have to make, even after all the pain he has caused you, but unfortunately it may be one you will have to make. If you can see that he is willing and able to, then that can be the start of your healing together. But if he is not, then you will have to find the strength within you to say “I am a beautiful loved daughter of God. Even if I was the only one on earth, he still would have opened his arms and died on the cross for me, because that is how much I am worth, and I will not accept anything less. My Father in heaven loves me and knows that I am his most precious child. He will be my strenth when I am weak, when I cry his heart breaks and he wipes away my tears. When I can not carry on, he will pick me up and take me to the place I need to be. He will embrace me as a father embraces a daughter. No matter what happens, I will never walk alone because he is ALWAYS with me”.

Please do not let the shame of his actions keep you in bondage. Do not keep his secret, speak to people who love you and who you trust. You did not do this, he did. You do not have to suffer in silence, and trust me, the shame of what has happened to you will shoke you until you break free from it.

For about 8 months I didn’t tell any of my friends and family about my husband actions, and I grew even more angry and bitter towards him because I felt that in setting himself free by his confession, he had imprisoned me because I was advised not to tell anyone. So when I couldn’t take it anymore I confessed all to my 2 best friends of 17 years, and my husband himself sat down with my family members and told them everything that had happened from his confession day.

I was so proud of him, and it proved to me that what he was saying was the truth, that he would do whatever it took to add to my healing. He had said it so many times, but until he proved it with his actions the word meant nothing.

For your children, it sounds like you are part of a great church. You have to give them up to God, trust that he will protect them and surround them with love, children will always rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVE in a broken home. Their childhood is so precious, if you don’t get it right they will suffer in the long run. My husband’s behaviour started when he was 7 years old, just a baby, yet his parents had no clue what was happening.

Children have a way of making things their fault when it is not, so all you can do is to be honest with them, and let them know no matter what happens Mummy and Daddy love them more than anything in the world.

My 7 year old daughter is from a previous relationship. She calls my husband daddy because her biological father (sperm donor, I call him) abandoned her when she was 2 years old. At the time I thought she would be detroyed but I gave her up to God and he has done amazing things in her life. I’m so proud and blessed to be her mother, but there was times when I didn’t think we would survive.

The things God can do for is just beyound anything we could ever imagine. What is impossible for us, is so simple for him, if we just allow him to do his work in us. Just remember just how loved you are, when you cry, others like me care, but more than that God cares.

I will be praying for you and your wonderful children. Much love and prayers always. Caroline xxx

I noticed him getting a bit distant, and then really realized it when we were in church one day and asked him if he was going up for prayer with me. His response, “I don’t have to go up and pray with you all the time!” Things had already been going downhill no thanks to his selfishness, greed, and feeding his mother and other members of his family and friends untruths about me in order to make himself shine.

We had relocated after a transfer, and he would complain about giving me money for anything… beds for the children, school supplies, my vehicle needed some work, and so I went into debt again. He even stated after I had approached him about us living like room mates that “if it wasn’t for my money situation, I would not be here.” Mind you we always take some type of vacation. Last year he said that we could not because he didn’t have any money… he didn’t even buy my son clothes for school last year.

Around the time the affair came to light, he did not know that I was aware, and without letting him know what I knew, I asked him to just let me go… he didn’t agree right away, but then got bold and was like whatever, lets just get a divorce.

He would always put me down and discourage me with phrases such as “Look at me, there are lots of women out there who would want me.” “You, you have three children, and no man would want to get with someone who has three kids… I’m a hot commodity.” “Do you know what women out there would do for the security and benefits that you have?” “You need to get on your job.”

I was always ashamed and embarrassed to talk with anyone, and he knew this, so he was counting on me doing the same. The kicker is that he would still get up in the pulpit and preach as though nothing was wrong for two years. I would try to talk to him and ask “How come we can’t live what you preach?” He would either get angry and say nothing, or tell me to live it if I wanted to. The church members who loved us so dearly had no idea that after we left the church, the show was over and he wouldn’t speak to me if he didn’t have to.

After finding out about the affair, I was absolutely DEVASTATED!!! Not only because this was the first or second time that my trust had been betrayed, but because we were supposed to be Christians!!! Initally when I found out, I already knew I would have to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. However, we had agreed not to talk to each other and that I should only call him if there is an emergency with the kids. I decided to drive to the state he was in to catch him, but then he called not knowing what I knew and said he wanted to work this out. I did confront him when I arrived. Of course he did not admit to the affair at first, and then thought I was going to sleep with him that night!! He finally admitted to the affair the next day. The devastating part of this nightmare was that this woman knew everything about me, where I lived, would make comments to him about when she drove by what she saw, and that he had sex with this woman without any protection…

After we tried to work it out, she would text him to ask him how his day went, etc., and that’s when I asked him to give up her e-mail. He gave the wrong one at first, but then gave the correct one. I was very brief, cordial, and lady-like in asking her not to make contact with my husband. She replied in such a manner as to make fun of me telling me that I should have been on my job and copied him also stating to him “Is this what you were talking about?” Obviously he had frontloaded her but told me he did not. She even knew my medical history and made fun of me in her e-mail response, just saying demeaning things. I should have seen it then, but he did not protect me at all, and I should have known this was not going to work out. He promised he had told this woman off, not to call him or he would get a restraining order on her, etc., all the stuff he thought I would want to hear. It seemed so perfect until… I found out he had still been talking to her the entire time just deleting the calls from his phone.

He travels a great deal with his job, and uses this forum to conduct his secret rendezvous. Even after he told me that we would have no vacation last year, he took this woman and her kids to Disney in Florida while he should have been “working”. He sent the kids things from Toys R Us via e-mail, and even took her to meet his best friend who was in our wedding, who owns strip clubs, etc. Not only that, he took her to Las Vegas for almost a week, and I am the one who took him and picked him up from the airport.

I knew I had to catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. So when I found out 4 months later after his professing to leave that life alone that he was supposed to be going out of town to one state, but got some intel on how he was landing where she was at and planned to take a long drive to where he was supposed to be for his job, I drove down so that I would arrive before the plane landed and took pictures. I called as I was watching him, and called again while he was eating. I asked where he was eating and he said our favorite restaurant. Little did he know that I was waiting outside the restaurant and when they both came out I thought I would die!!!

I went back to where I know they were going, her house, but they made a pitstop at her sister’s house and this is when I knocked on the door and his hand was caught in the cookie jar. He was shocked out of his mind and was begging me to listen to him that it was nothing and then had the nerve to invite me in so we could all sit down and talk! Of course I told him he was crazy and that I was done.

He even took us with him on a road trip as he went to visit his offices, and complained about the traveling when he didn’t mind traveling for the… Anyway, I am tired and I don’t see evidence of true change and committment not to me, but to God. If he cannot serve and obey God out of love, I don’t think he will ever be able to love me.

Right now, we are still living together, and he constantly says that he has changed, but I have my intel staff and I have information that proves otherwise in big ways. I am truly living with a person who displays the characteristics of narcissistic behavior and it is taxing on my spirituality and self-esteem. I have never been able to tell him how I really feel and let my anger out. He expects me to be over this already.

I cry to myself all the time, and my prayer life is a struggle, but I still hold on because I truly believe God has a plan for me. I continue to work with the kids in church because they keep me going. I just worry about all those lives we touched, he taught and how this would devastate them and our children… should I continue to be humble and suffer in silence because of what it will do to them? LaTay

I am absolutely crushed. Words can’t even describe. If I didn’t have a good relationship with God I cannot honestly say what I would have done. I don’t know where to go from here. My gut tells me to give him a second chance, but I wonder if this is really what God has for me. Is this part of His plan for my life, or was I never supposed to even be with this man and this is His way of telling me? I don’t feel like marrying him was a mistake, but the few people I have talked to seem to think that I would be foolish to forgive him. I can’t make the decision on my own, I have too many emotions involved to push them out of the way. I am really seeking God’s will for my life, and I keep coming back to His forgiveness and mercy. Again, that could just be my emotions talking, but he is taking this better than I would have expected. There is nothing that he could say that would make me know I should stay, but there are a lot of things that he could have said that would lead me to believe I should go.

Am I crazy to keep falling back on reminders of God’s great mercy and forgiveness as a reason to give my husband a second chance? Or am I only forgiving him to end up having this happen again? If only I could see into people’s hearts like God can. At least I know there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me.

No matter what your gender…You cannot imagine the pain if you haven’t been there.. .Anyway, stop with the “he” and “she” stuff… As I look for comfort in this site or in a book, you have no idea the additional pain and insult when you address women as the only victims… thanks…

But I can’t seem to trust him the same way I did before. He didn’t sleep around on me but he did the internet thing talking and flirting with other women. I found pictures that he sent them of himself and the woman. I did talk to the women and they had no clue he was married; he did not tell them this. I wonder why men do this? I am faithful and I have never done anything to my husband to make him not trust me. I am just wondering where this will all go with us. And will I ever survive the hurt that he has caused me?

I deal with this alone; I don’t go to counseling about any of it. I came back to him because I love him and I do believe that it is the right thing to do as a Christian woman. But I am at a stand still about my trust in my husband… I don’t know if I will ever let my guard down again and trust him like I did before. He doesn’t seem to care about the hurt he has caused me at all. He believes it is over and done with and the issue is resolved with him. But not with me… and it won’t be until I can find healing within my heart over this issue.

Really ask yourself if you have fully forgiven your husband, although it was so long ago. When I read your comment, it frightened me because when we reconcile, I could be in your shoes. I pray God closes that door behind you and allows you to live in the fullness of your present life in your marriage.

Anything can bring you back to the betrayal. Once you think the pain has subsided, your infidel may come home late from work and you are back at square one. It takes a lot of work and commitment to stay. If you decide to stay, remind yourself you made the choice to stay, which in turn, means you too have to make the commitment to work on how to make things better with your spouse.

To all you ladies that have been hurt and are in doubt about your husbands: if they say they love you with all their hearts and mean it that they will never do this again, I am standing proof of that. I told my wife that I will never hurt her again and mean every word. I hope and pray every day that we can put this behind us and go on with our lives cause divorce is not the way out for us. I love my wife with all my heart and always will. If anyone has any advice for us please let us know. Thanks

Well, 15 minutes later another lady drove up to his home and he looked little shocked. I was not shocked and I asked him who she was. As she walked to the porch he said a friend, and he said I broke up with you since 3 months. I knew her for a year and lived here for two months and she just rented and lived up stairs.

Well, I was not hurt at the moment… but I think he thinks that I was little upset with him. He introduced us briefly and she went into the house. He said she needed help and he allowed her to live with him. I believe he is lying.

I told him when I was pregnant and needed him he was never there for me. When I left, I could not cry, I did not feel hate. I just drove home in a daze. When I got home I was still numb and could not cry. I could not sleep, just thinking about him having this lady live with him… The next day, I drove to work and I cried, stop and cry later; stop. I just want to leave him alone… and it’s hard… why?

We lived in a small village in Botswana at the time. A close knit community!

Later that day -as was my habit – I popped in to see my wife at work to just catch up on the days events. I shared what I had seen in the spirit and what Holy Spirit said.

“Sweetie, we have been all the way!” Words that struck me like a bolt of lightning on a perfectly cloudless sky!

I stood up and went to the window, looked outside and whispered “Father…” I had no idea what to say – even to my God! He immediately responded and said “For your sake – forgive her right away.”

I turned to her, took her hands in mine and I did as My Lord required. I then asked her if they had used a condom – he was a prominent black gentleman who was known for his infidelity! You must understand, the HIV status in Botswana was exceptionally high. She said, “Yes but that it came off in the process.”

My sweetheart broke down. I comforted and consoled her until she had recovered sufficiently for me to leave.

The horror of what they had done to our Father.

David’s words just became a stuck record in my mind… “Against You and You alone have I sinned!” I raced home and immediately interceded for my wife and our friend. I entered the court of heaven and pleaded for mercy and not judgment! “Father, Jesus…the Blood!”

I was so consumed with standing between them and Fathers judgment that I had not even begun to process the impact of the confession on me, my life and on the lives of our children. Remember, I was on a fast – I was more in the spirit than in the flesh.

I prayed until she came home three hours later. She was crying, I took her in my arms and comforted her – I thought they were tears of remorse, but it transpired that they were tears that poured out because she had just spoken to him and told him that I now knew.

I cooked us a light meal and she went and had a bath. All this time I was standing in faith that the enemy would not use this to destroy my wife or our friend.

Later, when we went to bed, she opened the floodgates and told me all the sordid details. One could call it progressive revelation. I thought from her confession earlier that they had been together once! Only then did the full impact of an eleven month sordid affair start penetrating my – until now – intact emotions.

I curled into a fetal position as the unbelievable story unfolded.

When we married – after we had spent two years at Bible school – my sweetheart was a virgin! Sweet, gentle, shy and never spoke a harsh word against anyone.

Here this angel was confessing that due to her dissatisfaction with our intimate life (I am not a very sexual person so we would sometimes only make love 2 -3 times a month) she decided:

1. To find someone that would satisfy her.
2. Because of my walk with our Lord I would understand.
3. I would naturally forgive her as she knew I hated divorce.
4. The best way to deceive me was to always leverage my trust by asking permission to do things – like playing tennis together, go for a meal together when they were in the nearest town together etc.
5. She would get my children to enjoy him and his ‘fun’ ways.
6. She hoped – though he was a family friend – that he and I would become real buddies!

I must be honest and say, though I still continued my fast for another 20 days, my life became unbearable. My wife and I had no one that we could talk to except each other and of course, our Savior.

I tried my utmost to walk out my Christian convictions with both parties. Satan had a field day telling me that not only was I a failure as a husband and a lover but also as a ‘man in the community’. It transpired that the whole village knew about it – except my children and I.

The shame! Interracial relationships were – and still are – extremely frowned upon in that part of the world. The shame was intense.

Our businesses failed, financially we were relatively well off but since then everything went down hill. Due to the sin in her life my wife was totally blinded to the theft that was happening in our one business that she was managing. That theft led to the collapse of both businesses.

I negotiated with him and he agreed to transfer to another part of the country. However, this did not help as much as I had hoped. The shame was still there. The way people looked at me and the way they looked at my wife!

We eventually moved as well. This decision certainly alleviated the situation immensely. Finally we were able to discuss the whole sordid business with others – ‘church folk’. Much of what the ‘church’ said and advised, we had – with Holy Spirit’s aid – already handled and worked through.

The one thing that I experienced with all the help the ‘church’ gives is that it always seems to be the innocent partner’s fault. There seems to be this philosophy that if you do not meet your spouses needs then you are fully to blame for the outcome. The offending party is forgiven and can move on but the wounded is wounded even more.

Father, in His wonderful wisdom, knew that this would be the case – that’s why He gave me the picture of the two of them walking down the country lane – it was them; their walk; their decision; their sin… I was not in the picture – I actually had nothing to do with it.

Yes, I became the nominated ’scapegoat’ – nominated by my wife and by EVERY person since – who has genuinely tried to be of help.

Six and a half years later I am still struggling with thoughts of failure – but I use the ‘picture’ and His Word to secure the victory. Trust is no longer an issue and our marriage is much stronger today than it has ever been.

I encourage every jilted spouse to ask Holy Spirit for a ‘picture’ from His perspective and then refer to the picture and His promises regularly. The day will come when you are healed – you are healed when it does not hurt anymore! The scars are there to remind you – just like Jesus still has nail scarred hands!

Lastly, husbands, love your wives as….

I think we hold on to pain because it’s so hard to forgive. But after seeing the single side (with kids), I know that my soul is not defined by any one human on this earth. Just look at the cheaters. They don’t define themselves by what we think or else they would feel awful and never do it again.

He spent the next three years grieving for her, not participating in our life, and I spent that time rising from the ashes. I went to work and also worked hard on my marriage, felt like a trick pony. Did everything I could think of to be the best wife I knew how to be. Nothing worked. So, in 86, after 3 years of that hell, I kicked him out. Told him to go and find the wonderful V and figure it out. I had heard she was separated.

He was gone four months, did not see her, and came back saying he wanted us and had worked through his issues. I spent most of the rest of my marriage feeling like I stole him from the love of his life. I can never explain to anyone how that felt. How can a wife feel like she is the other woman? He really never came home to me, there was always a missing element. I have always loved my husband with all my heart. I worked hard at my employment, and having never had the advantage of college, I had to work even harder but by 93, I was working at a large firm as a stock broker and then by 96 I opened a small investment company. All during this time, I never felt complete. His engagement with me, just never came back.

I spent the time from 86 forward like a lady in waiting, but not sure what I was waiting for. Our physical life dwindled until he claimed impotency around the early part of the 2000’s. But, in the late 80’s, I caught him talking to V on the phone, was told that he was talking to her. I kicked him out, but he begged on his knees, swore that they only had spoke a few times on the phone, that he would call her and tell her to never call again and I believed him. Then, again in 98, I received a call from her third husband telling me that he found her cell bill and that she had been calling my husband every day for three months. I kicked him out again. I would not let him come back for a while, but I did eventually, he called her on a three way call and convinced me again, it was only conversations, he told her on the call to never call again. She was always making the contacts, and he told her to leave him alone.

Well, last May, May of 2008, he sat me down and dropped a huge bomb. He had been having affairs with her all along. Five all totaled, through the years, but more than that, he had been having an affair with one of my best friends for the past 13 yrs. They had been meeting 3 times a week, having sex in the back seat of a car, or SUV or in the truck bed with a camper cover for 13 yrs. My friend. And he had also had an affair with two other of my friends in the late 80’s, one that I had gone to school with and worked with, right under my nose, and the other for three years in the early 90’s, and that friend is a man. He had had the last affair with V in 98 while having this 13 year affair at the same time, he had started up with her in 95. The 98 affair with V lasted 4 mos before the husband found the cell bill.

My entire life has been a joke. All that I have fought for, my vows, all that I have believed in, my friends that I would fight for, that I loved, all my memories, everything is gone. My friend and my husband, this last friend, started this mess on a trip that I planned, a trip to a haunted house where I rented a van with a driver and invited several couples, my friend and her husband being one of the couples. My friend and my husband fondled each other sexually with their spouses sitting in the van beside them. We were dressed for Halloween and with robes and such, no one was the wiser. It all makes me so sick. I invited them to canoe trips and biking events, all these things that encouraged and enabled their behavior.

I lost both breasts to cancer in 2004, forcing me to close my company, and my friend was by my bed in the hospital, all the while having sex with my husband. Taking trips to the mountains with him for a week to camp and bike, while I am thinking he was with the “guys”. I, on the other hand, had to stop biking as I was diagnosed with MS and became unable to bike, keeping my balance was an issue as well as becoming overheated was a problem.

Now, I look back at my life, that I loved her, and that I trusted her and him and that they were skipping along and having this great time while I was becoming more lonely, sicker and she knew how much I needed my husband. She knew how much his infidelity from the past had hurt me, how I still bled in my soul from it. She was my confidant.

So, now, I have nothing. I feel undone. I have been in the hospital three times this past year over this, I have been in counseling solid. I cannot get over it, I am past the absolute rage, I am past the why did the happen, I am now only into despair and this stage is the scariest of all. I have always had a difficulty with imagery and my mind sees things that may or may have not happened. But sleep eludes me, medication does not help. He stole my peace. He took my past, present and future. It does not matter if he stays or he goes. When he was caught in 98, and said they were only talking, he and V, he bought me a diamond ring and in front of family and friends, on bended knee, he gave it to me, pledging his love and honor and fidelity. All the while screwing my friend.

This is my destiny? Now I am sick, I am almost 60. Why did he not just leave me alone and let me have a life? I am an honorable person, a good person. I love my ppl, I take care of them, I fight with them, for them. I would never ever hurt them and I cannot conceive in my heart or mind what has transpired in my life. Ever. It cuts me in two life a knife with acid on it. And, it never stops. It just cuts and cuts. I look at him and my eyes fill with tears every time, at the wasted life that he has lived, and the way that he wasted mine. For no reason. There was no reason. I gave him his freedom three times. He could have lived his frat boy life and not have looked back.

He told me that he was going to continue to see his “friend” no matter what I said. He also assured me that they were only “friends” not sexually involved and that he didn’t know how serious his feelings were for her. We have been married for 33 years, have 2 adult children and 4 grandchildren.

I was absolutely devastated and had no idea that things had gotten this bad… I knew things were not right but was always afraid to push because deep down I suppose I knew he was be unfaithful to me at least emotionally if not sexually.

We talked things over & both decided that we had to much invested to give up on our marriage and agreed to try and work things out. For almost 2 weeks things rocked along with us then I found out that people in our church and community knew about things.

And while he was supposed to be working things out with me to make our marriage work… one evening when it was supposed to be our night in together, while I was out of the living room, he picked up the portable phone and called her. When I walked back in he hung up and tried to hide the fact that he had been on the phone… I waited until about an hour later and without him noticing I took the phone and went to another room and hit redial and a female answered. When I asked who I was speaking to, she gave me a name and asked who I was trying to reach… it was his “friend” and of course she knew my phone number.

I did not confront her I just said “never mind” and hung up. I then went in to living room and confronted him for calling her and told him that he needed to go ahead and resign from our church as pastor and also that there were church members that knew about his “affair” …things were bad but again because I loved him so much I forgave him and we agreed to continue to work on things… he did resign church… and on February 14th (ironic isn’t it) I told him that it was very obvious that his heart just wasn’t in making our marriage work and that he could go ahead and file for divorce… that I loved him but I couldn’t live with him if he did not love me.

He did not deny anything and on Feb. 15th he moved, although I had told him he could stay till the end of the month and that I would stay at my mother’s home which was only less that a mile from our home. He immediately moved his “friend” in with him and began having sexual relations with her. To this day he still says that they did not have intercourse until after he and I separated. He does admit that they were touching each other intimately. I have told him that that is still infidelity and I consider that to be unfaithful to me and our marriage vows.

Over a month ago he called to ask my forgiveness for all he had done etc etc. I did not answer my cell phone. I had it switched off at work, so he left voice message. He tried twice. I didn’t get his messages till two weeks later (weird) and at that time I was very sick with a sinus infection so it was another week or longer before I talked to him. In the mean time he had resumed his relationship with the “friend” because quoting him, “I thought that when you didn’t respond at all to my messages that you were getting on with your life without me so I felt like I had to do the same.”

Long story not so short… he tells me that he knows how wrong he has been, that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. He does not want to lose me or his children and grandchildren. There are many other facets to our situation… financial and issues with our younger son who is 25 years old and is on disability for mental illness, not to mention the fact that we are helping the same son raise his 2 year little girl, whom he and ex-girlfriend had out of wedlock.

There are so many stressors in our life that have contributed to the near destruction of our marriage. We have reconciled and he has just moved back home. He assures me that he has no regrets of breaking things off with this other woman, but does tell me that he can’t say that there aren’t things about her that he cares about.

This is like a knife in my heart. I still feel very threatened by her mere existence He deceived me and lied to me and even about me to other people in an effort to save face among friends and people in our small town. I want to trust him and believe him but it is so very difficult… I just don’t believe I can go through, again, what I’ve just gone through. We were only separated for 3 months… and there is the added stress that my family is not happy at all with our reconciliation.

Of course, they were there to try to help me pick up the pieces after he dropped this bomb shell on me. I have been to the point during these 3 months where I seriously considered ending my own life because I literally felt I couldn’t face another day without him.

We married when I was only 18 years old and he was 24… and we have been through so much together. Everything reminded me of something we had done or seen or experienced together. I have prayed about this and I know that divorce is not the what I want but I am so insecure now. Throughout our married life, I had always been the one who was secure and knew that he was my best friend even in the bad times. It was like my legs were cut off when all this happened. How do I face each day now with the knowledge the he betrayed at least once and how do I live with the fear that he might do it again?????

We were a young couple struggling financially and all I wanted to do was provide for my family. It was hard but my little family was enough for me, to find an email indicating that the discussion was sordid, and unclean. We have had two children since this started – and it makes you doubt everything. Years ago when we were just going out – we seemed to go through a difficult patch (unknown to me), my girlfriend was having a relationship with someone else. She said that our relationship had ended already. I felt so much pain (I couldn’t talk to anyone). I had a dream of her drifting towards a waterfall and I had reached out my hand and grabbed her hand.

I am not a believer, but something told me I had to tell her to reestablish her links with God. I don’t know where that came from – but I just had to guide her that way. I later let her back into my life and we subsequently married (although I knew she could cause me pain, I thought what we had and the strength of God would be enough). I pictured me holding her hand before the waterfall, but the strength has left me to hold her anymore.

Now I feel that pain again, it’s so much more. I am so sorry I haven’t got the strength to do this anymore. The emptiness I feel is indescribable. My children need me but I haven’t the strength to do this again – I cannot feel anymore pain. I really need help now and don’t know where to turn. Any words of advice or inspiration would be heartfelt.