How do you deal in your marriage, with the death of a child you never had the opportunity to hold in your arms? And yet you held them, and will always hold them, in your heart. How does any human being emotionally deal with such a grievous loss?

Tragically, so many couples deal with this horrible situation every day — losing their baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, commonly called a “miscarriage.” Even the word “miscarriage” brings with it the thought that the parent will “miss” being able to “carry” their baby physically, this side of heaven. And yet, they will always carry the baby emotionally in their hearts.

For those of you who are grieving through this loss, the emotional effects upon your marriage and upon each of you as individuals, can vary greatly.

“Sometimes a husband may blame his wife, or the wife may even blame her husband. Confusion and hurt can develop and cause great tension in a marriage if they are not handled properly” (Elizabeth Honeycutt, who developed Babygrief.com).

That is why it is extremely important to give each other the grace, space, empathy, and help that is needed so the grieving process doesn’t push you farther apart as a married couple, rather than draw you closer together as partners who work together through every tragedy that is encountered.

There’s something that Christi Bear wrote, that you might consider about all of this. It comes from the article “Understanding Miscarriage” (posted on www.troubledwith.com):

“It’s common to experience extreme sadness, anger, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. There is no ‘typical’ time-frame for emotional recovery; every woman experiences the grieving process in her own way and travels the road to healing at her own pace. While it’s important to allow time and personal ’space’ for grieving, if the grief becomes too overwhelming — leading to a more serious episode of depression and despondency — it may be necessary to get professional help.

“Fathers, too, are profoundly affected by the loss of a child. Unfortunately, a common misconception regarding miscarriage and stillbirth is that only the mother is affected. Women often feel more freedom to cry and express their grief, whereas men tend to feel pressure to ‘remain strong’ and may busy themselves with work or other activities in an effort to deal with their grief.

“Because men and women typically express their emotions and process their grief differently, it’s important for both parents to communicate their feelings to one another, helping to avoid the added pain of misunderstandings.”

John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter wrote something about this in their book, When the Cradle is Empty, that could help to explain the pain and tension that a miscarriage can bring into the marriage:

“The following reactions are common among women: ‘Does my husband feel as badly as I do about our baby? Does he know that since our baby died, I hate having sex? Why do I feel so unattractive? Why is becoming pregnant again such an obsession for me, but not for him?’

“Conversely, it’s not uncommon for the husband to think, ‘I have to be strong for my wife’s sake. She’ll only grieve more if I show my emotions, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself. Why has she withdrawn sex? Is she blaming me? I know she wants to become pregnant again, but I’m afraid of what losing another baby would do to her. It seems like she’s crying all the time, and it’s really getting to me. I wish we could be happy again, like we were before the baby died.’”

John and Sylvia go on to give suggestions for walking through the loss of a baby like personalizing your baby, not rushing through to “move on” before you are ready, and bringing “your turmoil to God.” But they also suggest that you “grieve in your own way.” They write:

“Greg Bodin, director of pastoral care at North Medical Center in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, has worked with hundreds of families who’ve experienced miscarriage, still-birth, or early infant death. He and his wife have also suffered the loss of two children through miscarriage and stillbirth. Among the things he’s learned are:

• Loss is uniquely personal. There is no typical response or ‘right’ reaction to a pregnancy loss or death of a newborn.

• Feel the freedom to grieve in your own way. Don’t let anyone prescribe how you should feel, and don’t try to adapt your feelings to the expectations of others.

• Remember that the length of pregnancy doesn’t correlate to the grief felt. Some parents experience a great sense of loss even though the pregnancy was short-term.”

“Many couples feel the grief over miscarriage or stillbirth years after the loss,” Elizabeth Honeycutt from Babygrief.com says. “Others close up their feelings and try their best to move forward. For those who have felt the personal pain of losing a baby, the emotions, questions and grief need to be felt, answered, and worked through.”

To help those of you who are living through the pain and confusion that this experience brings into your life, we have found several articles posted on different web sites, written by those who have experienced miscarriage, firsthand. We pray they will minister to your hearts and your marriage relationship. You will find the links posted below.

The following article is written by Laura Mills, and is featured on the Today’s Christian Woman web site. Please click onto the following link to read:

• MOURNING A MISCARRIAGE

The following article, written by Lisa Brock, is featured on the web site Troubledwith.com. Please click onto the link below to read what Lisa learned about:

• LIFE AFTER MISCARRIAGE

This next article is written by Jennifer Maze Brown and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read:

• EMPTY ARMS

The following article, featured on the web site for Marriage Partnership Magazine, is written by Bob Perry, and gives insight into what a husband was able to learn after his wife suffered a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link provided below:

• WHEN MR FIX-IT WON’T DO

This next article, which is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), talks about the “Do’s” and “Don’ts” women want others to know about, as it pertains to approaching them after a miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• AFTER MY MISCARRIAGE

The following article is written by Cyndie Odya-Weis, and is featured on the Stepping Stones ministry web site (Bethany.org), and talks about the feelings she has for her three children in heaven that she lost through miscarriage. To read, please click onto the link below:

• LOST CHILDREN

This last article is written by Una McManus, as told to her by Mary Cunningham Agee, and is featured on the web site for Today’s Christian Woman. Please click onto the link provided below to read how miscarriage birthed a ministry to unwed mothers:

• FROM TEARS TO JOY