“How can a Christian who is married, deal graciously with siblings and sibling in laws, who are causing problems in their marriage?” That is the question we’d like to pose to you.
We receive quite a few letters each year from those who are married who are running into difficulties in dealing with sibling in laws, and sisters and brothers. Sometimes these siblings are too vocal or mean-spirited in what they say and do. They can be vindictive in how they act towards the spouse of their sibling and cause trouble.
Others stay to visit too long so the spouse feels imposed upon and worn out.
Other siblings expect financial support from their older male sibling and expect him to physically help them repeatedly at the sacrifice of his own family.
There are various situations that can come in to play. But in each case the one spouse is “at odds” with the other spouse because of the bond that siblings have had with each other through the years.
To help you with this issue, we found a few online articles that may give you some insight. We encourage you to pray and glean through the information — applying what you can use and disregarding the rest. Please click onto the links provided below to read:
• IN LAW CONFLICT: He Said … She Said
• SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS WITH FAMILY
However, we want to know what wise and godly (Biblically-based) advice you would give to those who are dealing with sibling in laws and/or extended family who are causing problems in their marriage? (Please scroll to the bottom of the page to leave your advice or comments.)
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(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband & I have been married for almost 8 yrs and we still have family issues. I agree that spouse and children are first and then comes extended family (some of them don’t realise this). I am a Christian and my husband is not but I have been trusting God for a miracle. His sister has been causing problems in our marriage by telling him things which are not true. This is very hurtful and what makes it worse is that he believes her or sides with her. He doesn’t even try to understand the way I feel or listens to what I have to say. He gets defensive when it comes to his mother and siblings.
I have given the situation to God and I have no doubt in my mind that God will turn things around – for good. There was a time when I felt like giving up but I have come too far to just give up and walk away. The devil is using family members against us and he will not get away with it, not as long as we have God on our side! It can be difficult at times but we just have to keep on keeping on. The devil is a liar! Have faith everyone!
(CANADA) How about when your spouse doesn’t allow you to invite your brother over to the house? If I do go ahead and invite them, he either makes them feel very uncomfortable by being very unfriendly when they are over, or he makes it so miserable for me before the visit, I just get so stressed out.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Me and my man are getting married in November this year. I already feel I shouldn’t go there because I foresee enough problems. He has a younger sister who has 3 kids. She gets no support from the fathers of her children. My man is providing for her and her children. We have a 6 months old baby and we are basically supporting 5 people.
My man is not willing to talk to me about his sister’s situation and if he is giving her money and how often. Whenever I ask him – he snaps and becomes really defensive – like someone protecting his own. At this stage he is unreasonable, irrational and emotional, calls me selfish and accuses me of all sorts of things like I think I am a better person. I really feel I should not get married to this guy – actually I should break up all together with him so he can provide for his sister with a peace of mind.
(USA) My husband was close to his Mother, one sister, & a niece. This is after his father had passed away. My sister in laws husband/nieces father was in & out of jail. This made him sort of "fill in" as the male of the family. This sister is competitive with me & so is her daughter who is 12! They have made remarks to me as to suggest that I share my husband with them. Yes, I do but in the appropriate way!
They try to make me look negative behind my back by exaggerating information & lying like for example how much food I feed my 7 month old, & other areas of motherhood & being a woman. It’s almost like a political race!! They are always criticizing me & discussing me with other members of the family to make themselves outshine me.
The 12 year old makes remarks also! He has another sister & they do this to each other so I can imagine they do this to me as well. This sister has a complex. She is boastful, competitive & deceptive. I do not trust her as a confident. I am polite with her & try to get along but it comes to dreading get togethers because of being around her. She is loud & dominant & probably insecure. She practically plans every holiday & all of our family plans have to revolve around her. It’s like she is top dog.
My husband knows she has a complex & mentions it frequently. On the other hand, he still calls her a lot & gives her the upper hand & seems to fall at her feet. When I mention this, he gets mad & denies this. She is younger & it seems he looks up to her, she’s infallible!
She & her daughter try everything to cover up their wrongs & impress my husband to keep themselves close to him & in his favor. I don’t understand this hold she has on him. He is wrapped around her finger! She is boastful towards me because of this. If she did not have this complex & air towards me, then I would probably not have a problem. I pray that my husband would wise up & not let her have so much power over him. How can I deal with this sister in law when my husband feeds her complex & I have to be around her often? Thanks.
Hi Mermaid, Well it sounds like God has already given you the discernment of your sister-in-law and the situation in general. No, you do not have to be best friends with her. You’ve already seen that.
I’m sorry to hear your husband will not hear you on this. Although I’m not in a situation exactly like yours, I do however, know what it is like to live with someone who is self-oriented (like your sister-in-law) to the point of destructive behavior toward others. And many times, people like this tend to drag others into their volatile style of living without those people even realizing it. Your husband fits into that category.
You have been given discernment about the situation, but your husband’s eyes have not been opened.
I live with an abusive husband. Because he is no longer hitting me, he thinks everything is just fine. They are not. In his spirit and words, he is still as abusive as he always was but he does not see this.
I was recommended the following book by a Christian counselor and I highly suggest you obtain a copy for yourself. I could only find it on amazon – the local bookstores and my library did not have copies but you might be able to get one at your library.
The book is called Foolproofing Your Life, by Jan Silvious. I highly recommend it – it is specifically for someone in your situation and you will see not only the personality type of your sister-in-law in there but the others around her as well. Counselors call it the “family system” – it’s the means whereby dysfunctional behavior continues, sometimes (many times) with those closest to the member who is dysfunctional, enabling them.
You may not get your husband to see his enabling habits toward his sister but it certainly is worth praying to God about to open his eyes to the problem. Either way, it will help you to read the book and, if you think your husband is open to it, have him read it, too, but he may not want to. I wouldn’t push it with him. You’ll know if it is God’s timing on whether or not your husband is to continue to be blind to the situation or not. But the book will help you and put you at tremendous ease about the situation.
Blessings, LT
(KENYA) I am happy to find out that the situation is not only unique to my case, because I have been stressed out. I have been married for 2 months and I live with my in laws. Although they are not ‘bad’ people, their presence is causing conflict in our marriage.
My husband prefers to give them attention when he comes from work because he argues better involve more than 1 person and leave out 1 than leave out to and only involve 1 person.
This thinking has led me to being a loner in the house. I have not encouraged myself to be free with my in laws to avoid confrontations because I’ve witnessed one of them beat up their brother’s wife. I fear them I don’t want to be beaten. Everything my husband does, he always has to factor in what they will think.
He has now forced me to be doing laundry for his siblings. I feel like moving out and just forgetting about the marriage. I have failed to pray because the tension sometimes is too much. I don’t remember to pray. My in laws are also male chauvinists and continuously give derogatory comments towards women that get me really offended. I am not a happy woman. How do I find happiness?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’ve read all the stories, I’m not different. I’ve been married for 3yrs. Before we got married we agreed with my husband that we were going to stay together. Just after the wedding his two siblings came over, nobody told me about them coming to live with us. That was year 1 and 2, then on year three another shock, the sister and her baby came to live with us, and still I was just surprised because he seemed to discuss everything with his mom and make final decision without including me.
The siblings are rude and disrespectful, with the attitude that everything in the house belongs to their brother regardless of the fact that I am working and contributing as well. They report everything that happens in the house to their mother, e.g. when the brother buys me gifts, they will tell their mother and even tell them the price tag. Whoever comes to visit me, they have to report to their mother. My husband takes their side and thinks I’m the one who is wrong. After work, he spends time with them, and I’m just a loner.
I’ve prayed about it, but I’m hurt and unhappy in this marriage. I’ve considered walking out because I’m just hurt and developing heart diseases because of this marriage,How do i live with people whom I cannot trust their intentions,they speak bad and false about me,at the moment im not speaking with my mom in law after all this drama that took place and the things she said about me,i am bitter and sad,i dont even want to go to her house,my husband does’nt say anything.please help.
(USA) I have been married for over 17 years to a wonderful man. He is truly my best friend. We have a Christian marriage, and keep the Lord center of our marriage. However, his family, especially his sister, disrespects me at no end. The mother sides with her about 95% of the time. I have bent over backwards trying to give them respect, (that seems undeserved), but because I try to do what the Lord would have me to do, instead of what my flesh would have me to do, I seem to keep pushing forward, with 3 steps back.
No matter the kind words I have said to them, the deeds which I do because I want to do them, (errands, purchases, gifts, daily cooking meals for M-I-L, taking her to doctor appts, keeping her yards clean & cut, her hair appts, shopping, misc trips, and more), it seems to have gotten me no where. I do these things with love, and I see the need there. There are only two children, my husband and my S-I-L, and she is only nice when it is benefiting her. I have prayed and prayed for these people (sometimes hard to even use the term – M-I-L or S-I-L, because they have not been like family, not like I think of as “family” should be.
With all the shuns, bad words spoken upon me and my husband, we have done the best we knew how in a bad situation. But to all of those in similar situations, I had to make a major decision and finally, and completely hand them over to Christ, because my pastor said it was a spirit of jealously on their part. I am a simple person, who loves people, I don’t want anybody to be jealous over anything about me. But because I see that their attitudes have not nudged, my husband and I had to evaluate this situation, and completely set them over to Christ to work His hand in this.
I hope that when Christ works in their hearts, they will finally see what love that my husband and I had in our hearts for them, but for now, until they have repentent hearts, we have separated our selves from them. I ask God today to bless them all, and take the scales from their eyes. I will stand before God one day and give an account, and so will they, and He will know my heart and what I have done, and what I had to do. I am sure everybody’s situation is different, so I hope for others, that if you have a good, Godly spouse, like I do, you want him/her to be loved and respected and not harmed. And in our situation, the harm had to be removed from our presence and marriage in order for it to remain loving, fruitful, healthy and vibrant.
(USA) I have been married for over 30 years to my husband. I went to every family function on his side of the family for years. They have never connected with me and when I go to family functions I feel like a lawn ornament that everyone ignores. My husband has also viewed several of his siblings as friends also. There were many years where we went and did things together where I always was ignored.
I have told my husband that I am not married to his extended family and that they are not my friends. I will go to several of their functions per year but that is where I have to draw the line. He hates this and blames me for the fact that his exended family doesn’t like me. This hurts my feelings so bad. This labor day – we had planned to spend the weekend together. Three of his relatives called and I was to be made guilty again because I refused to go to a bonfire. Why can’t I get my husband to understand how this hurts me? I do not think our marriage is going to make it.
(USA) Sometimes the spouse is the problem. I have a brother who married a narcissistic control freak. EVERYTHING has to be her way, go through her, she has final say on everything. She quotes the Bible and does the exact opposite. She has been caught in so many lies, and denies it even when caught. My family is trying to remain on good terms with her for the sake of my brother’s sanity. The wife is not always the victim and I think people forget that there is always another side to a dispute.