His brother has three young children, but rarely if ever spends time with them. Yet, he always has time to come over and be about our life. After many arguments about the frequency of his family being at our house, just last month, my husband and I had a conversation about the events that transpired over the past year. I was able to tell him that I was thinking about throwing in the towel on our marriage. The difference this time is that it was a conversation, that did not lead into an argument. I still struggle with the fact that his brother lives too close for comfort, but God has worked on both my husband and I. I continue to pray about the situation because we still cannot sell the house for another two years. But I continue to pray that my husband realizes the distruction his family has caused and continues to cause in our marriage. Sometimes those closest to you can be the most toxic.

I am fortunate that my parents have continued to help guide us and also show us what it means to have a happy and healthy marriage. I continue to pray for my husbands family as well, that they find happiness with their own lives so they don’t feel the need to always be in ours. The hard part is breaking this cycle of dependency that keeps them where they are in life. I have read the comments left by others struggling with sibling in-laws, and all i can say is to pray for the Lord’s guidance. Life truly is on his time, my husband was ready to listen with an open heart and I still believe that was Gods’ work.

Pray a lot. Be blessed.

He says things to make me cry. I feel terrible sometimes, especially without prayer. I just wish that he was there for me more. I feel hopeless sometimes. I am always in prayer for our relationship. I just have that inner feeling that says it’s time to step away for a while and get my esteem, and sense of self back together, because he is tearing down my confidence and does not even know it.

I feel that family (husband, wife, and child) should come first, and then extended family. I mean it is normal to be there for extended family, but, your first priority should definitely be your husband, or wife. You cannot ignore their feelings, and mistreat them, while at the same time you are careful of extended families feelings, needs, and emotions. That is not correct, and if you don’t want to see a strain on your marriage, then you should consider your spouse’s feelings also. I am living proof that if we don’t get counselling soon, it will definitely break us apart.

I have two small boys and the reason we’re not having another one is that I can’t stand a baby crying all the time. She has a working visa here in Canada and I’m afraid that by the time she gets her husband, then they will live with us as well. Can you help me? I do not understand myself anymore… I know I need to help her but I’m already tired of helping all my husband’s relatives. By the way, to add to it, we also send money to his parents every once in a while and his cousins will ask him for money and he will not say no.

To those who may not know, the African family generally operates the way Vwa has explained, only that this is kind of extreme. When you get married, at one point some relatives may come to live with you or you may be given the responsibility of looking after other people’s children, paying their tuition. Rarely do you look after your immediate family alone. How a new wife relates to her in laws is major and she has to be seen to be accepting of her husband’s family. She now identifies herself with her husband’s family name, traditions their affairs etc. Visitors come without notice and its considered rude to ask how long they are staying. People like your husband’s brothers & sisters have very important family titles/ positions and you have to be careful how you speak to them and what you say to them. In other times direct confrontations are hard or unacceptable/ considered disrespectful.

This is the African culture and I hope readers will help based on this understanding. It will be great if articles on this site allow for such differences in cultures where confrontations, eviction orders etc are out of the question.

Coming back to you Vwa, ngatibatsiranei asikana. What I have learnt is that the more you show resistance to how your husband is handling your finances and how he “spoonfeeds” his relatives, the worse it gets. His natural response will be to defend them and like you said he thinks you hate them. First of all, we have to try and correct that kind of thinking by cooperating the best way we can. I know there is nothing to smile about when 50%+ of the family earnings are going out and you want to do your own thing/investments.

This is about you and your husband’s relationship. Your situation won’t change until you develop that relationship. Don’t make him see you as the enemy or outsider. Be part of the whole family issue, make it “your problem too” (sympathise). When he sees you are cooperating he is more likely to listen to your ideas/opinions.

Your relationship and state of affairs are stronger if you are in agreement. Even if the relatives try to play you guys against each other they won’t succeed. Try not to involve other relatives in these problems, you know how bad it can get. Let it be about the two of you. Don’t give people things to say about you especially those you live with. If they hear a thing, they pick up the phone and ring back home and involve the whole clan.

For now pretend you can’t see these problems and dedicate yourself to prayer because talking to your husband about his family almost always yields the same negative response. For the relatives who need genuine help, don’t be weary of doing good. Pray, pray, pray and get comfort from God’s word. One day you and your husband will be a team again. These extended family issues are for a lifetime so don’t let them ruin your relationship with God.

l am very happy to assist but what worries me is me is these relatives stay with us for almost 6 months after finding jobs and my husband won’t agree/ask them to pay rent or contribute towards food or electricity. But every month end he sits with them writing lists of groceries that they need to send to home to their wives. My sister in law does general work, mostly domestic, and she is forever in and out of jobs and she comes back to live with us everytime the jobs ends. Is it our responsibility to look after her? l had to end up asking her to find her own accommodation just to make her see that she needs to be responsible and keep her jobs.

We stay in a 3 bedroomed house but at one stage we hade 4 relatives and had to move the kids from their bedrooms to accomodate them. There are many people comimg over this side from Zimbabwe. My husband invites people from his village that he meets at church to come over, and they don’t just stay for a day and go; they want to sleep over for days. I have tried to discuss with him that we can’t have all these strange people sleeping in the kids’ bed but he doesn’t see it the same way. He says l hate him and all his family and friends. We have 3 kids and this has created a lot of commotion in the house. We are so strained financially with the bills and all this welfare that we are offering. But how far is one expected to help? What are the limits?

I have told my husband that I am not married to his extended family and that they are not my friends. I will go to several of their functions per year but that is where I have to draw the line. He hates this and blames me for the fact that his exended family doesn’t like me. This hurts my feelings so bad. This labor day – we had planned to spend the weekend together. Three of his relatives called and I was to be made guilty again because I refused to go to a bonfire. Why can’t I get my husband to understand how this hurts me? I do not think our marriage is going to make it.

No matter the kind words I have said to them, the deeds which I do because I want to do them, (errands, purchases, gifts, daily cooking meals for M-I-L, taking her to doctor appts, keeping her yards clean & cut, her hair appts, shopping, misc trips, and more), it seems to have gotten me no where. I do these things with love, and I see the need there. There are only two children, my husband and my S-I-L, and she is only nice when it is benefiting her. I have prayed and prayed for these people (sometimes hard to even use the term – M-I-L or S-I-L, because they have not been like family, not like I think of as “family” should be.

With all the shuns, bad words spoken upon me and my husband, we have done the best we knew how in a bad situation. But to all of those in similar situations, I had to make a major decision and finally, and completely hand them over to Christ, because my pastor said it was a spirit of jealously on their part. I am a simple person, who loves people, I don’t want anybody to be jealous over anything about me. But because I see that their attitudes have not nudged, my husband and I had to evaluate this situation, and completely set them over to Christ to work His hand in this.

I hope that when Christ works in their hearts, they will finally see what love that my husband and I had in our hearts for them, but for now, until they have repentent hearts, we have separated our selves from them. I ask God today to bless them all, and take the scales from their eyes. I will stand before God one day and give an account, and so will they, and He will know my heart and what I have done, and what I had to do. I am sure everybody’s situation is different, so I hope for others, that if you have a good, Godly spouse, like I do, you want him/her to be loved and respected and not harmed. And in our situation, the harm had to be removed from our presence and marriage in order for it to remain loving, fruitful, healthy and vibrant.

The siblings are rude and disrespectful, with the attitude that everything in the house belongs to their brother regardless of the fact that I am working and contributing as well. They report everything that happens in the house to their mother, e.g. when the brother buys me gifts, they will tell their mother and even tell them the price tag. Whoever comes to visit me, they have to report to their mother. My husband takes their side and thinks I’m the one who is wrong. After work, he spends time with them, and I’m just a loner.

I’ve prayed about it, but I’m hurt and unhappy in this marriage. I’ve considered walking out because I’m just hurt and developing heart diseases because of this marriage,How do i live with people whom I cannot trust their intentions,they speak bad and false about me,at the moment im not speaking with my mom in law after all this drama that took place and the things she said about me,i am bitter and sad,i dont even want to go to her house,my husband does’nt say anything.please help.

My husband prefers to give them attention when he comes from work because he argues better involve more than 1 person and leave out 1 than leave out to and only involve 1 person.

This thinking has led me to being a loner in the house. I have not encouraged myself to be free with my in laws to avoid confrontations because I’ve witnessed one of them beat up their brother’s wife. I fear them I don’t want to be beaten. Everything my husband does, he always has to factor in what they will think.

He has now forced me to be doing laundry for his siblings. I feel like moving out and just forgetting about the marriage. I have failed to pray because the tension sometimes is too much. I don’t remember to pray. My in laws are also male chauvinists and continuously give derogatory comments towards women that get me really offended. I am not a happy woman. How do I find happiness?

I’m sorry to hear your husband will not hear you on this. Although I’m not in a situation exactly like yours, I do however, know what it is like to live with someone who is self-oriented (like your sister-in-law) to the point of destructive behavior toward others. And many times, people like this tend to drag others into their volatile style of living without those people even realizing it. Your husband fits into that category.

You have been given discernment about the situation, but your husband’s eyes have not been opened.

I live with an abusive husband. Because he is no longer hitting me, he thinks everything is just fine. They are not. In his spirit and words, he is still as abusive as he always was but he does not see this.

I was recommended the following book by a Christian counselor and I highly suggest you obtain a copy for yourself. I could only find it on amazon – the local bookstores and my library did not have copies but you might be able to get one at your library.

The book is called Foolproofing Your Life, by Jan Silvious. I highly recommend it – it is specifically for someone in your situation and you will see not only the personality type of your sister-in-law in there but the others around her as well. Counselors call it the “family system” – it’s the means whereby dysfunctional behavior continues, sometimes (many times) with those closest to the member who is dysfunctional, enabling them.

You may not get your husband to see his enabling habits toward his sister but it certainly is worth praying to God about to open his eyes to the problem. Either way, it will help you to read the book and, if you think your husband is open to it, have him read it, too, but he may not want to. I wouldn’t push it with him. You’ll know if it is God’s timing on whether or not your husband is to continue to be blind to the situation or not. But the book will help you and put you at tremendous ease about the situation.

Blessings, LT

They try to make me look negative behind my back by exaggerating information & lying like for example how much food I feed my 7 month old, & other areas of motherhood & being a woman. It’s almost like a political race!! They are always criticizing me & discussing me with other members of the family to make themselves outshine me.

The 12 year old makes remarks also! He has another sister & they do this to each other so I can imagine they do this to me as well. This sister has a complex. She is boastful, competitive & deceptive. I do not trust her as a confident. I am polite with her & try to get along but it comes to dreading get togethers because of being around her. She is loud & dominant & probably insecure. She practically plans every holiday & all of our family plans have to revolve around her. It’s like she is top dog.

My husband knows she has a complex & mentions it frequently. On the other hand, he still calls her a lot & gives her the upper hand & seems to fall at her feet. When I mention this, he gets mad & denies this. She is younger & it seems he looks up to her, she’s infallible!

She & her daughter try everything to cover up their wrongs & impress my husband to keep themselves close to him & in his favor. I don’t understand this hold she has on him. He is wrapped around her finger! She is boastful towards me because of this. If she did not have this complex & air towards me, then I would probably not have a problem. I pray that my husband would wise up & not let her have so much power over him. How can I deal with this sister in law when my husband feeds her complex & I have to be around her often? Thanks.

My man is not willing to talk to me about his sister’s situation and if he is giving her money and how often. Whenever I ask him – he snaps and becomes really defensive – like someone protecting his own. At this stage he is unreasonable, irrational and emotional, calls me selfish and accuses me of all sorts of things like I think I am a better person. I really feel I should not get married to this guy – actually I should break up all together with him so he can provide for his sister with a peace of mind.

I have given the situation to God and I have no doubt in my mind that God will turn things around – for good. There was a time when I felt like giving up but I have come too far to just give up and walk away. The devil is using family members against us and he will not get away with it, not as long as we have God on our side! It can be difficult at times but we just have to keep on keeping on. The devil is a liar! Have faith everyone!

My sisters have over the years felt they can treat me like a leper and not invite me to some family get togethers where it may involve other extended family present to invite me, so as these relatives will not question my absence. This issue has been raised with my mother who tells me it is in my head. Subsequently my mother has dropped her relationship with me over this UGLY sister situation. The Ugly sisters also decided they were going to emotionally cause problems between my sister-in-law and my brother, regardless of the fact that she was at the time almost 8 months pregnant. When the pregnancy issue was brought up – The UGLY sisters stated she wasn’t the first person to ever carry a child.

My mother sent a birthday card this year for my 40th with some cash inside. I don’t feel I can respond with a call as the last call with her was so abrupt and she showed no willingness to to be a part of my life or my children’s. This is so messing with my head!

I feel that it is so difficult for Asians today, living in a society of so many differing attitudes towards life. I am not a practicing Sikh, and additionally really believe life is precious and that every man should make their own decisions on what makes them happy and not be ruled by the culture or religious practices of people from similar backgrounds. My children have also beeen brought up with this belief. I have lost my sisters, parents, and grandparent as a result. Not sure if it was all worth it, what do you think?

I’m also 8 1/2 months pregnant and they seem not to care that they are REALLY stressing me out. All they care about is their own selfishness. They are trying to make my fiance think that I don’t care about him. Also, my sister-in-law said to me that we couldn’t be close anymore because she hates my father. Well I am not my father, so I don’t quite see how that is in any way a reason to not be close with me.

So anyway, they decided to visit our house over spring break. My husband is going to Afghanistan and I understand why they would want to see him. Well, they never apologized to me and so I decided I would visit my parents for that week. It was good for my parents for me to be with them at this time that we are all grieving (my brother was my only sibling and 34 yrs old).

So they were here to see Doug and the boys for a week in March. This was their 1st visit in 4 years. They called my house and told my boys that I was going to drive to Ohio this summer by myself from Nebraska and got them all excited over all the things we would do. So I was mad all over again because I had no intentions on doing this.

This is the 1st time my husband will be deployed and we will be apart for 6 months. So naturally, we want special family time before he leaves. Well, they just informed me that they were coming and bringing two more family members and staying on Doug’s last three days with us. My husband totally supports me and feels very uncomfortable with his own parents. He wouldn’t even open the fridge when we would visit. What should I do?