One of the “silent” killers of marital int-macy is depression. It’s so deadly that we will address it this week through an article from Dr. Todd Linaman. Dr. Linaman is a licensed psychologist, a certified marriage and family therapist (a friend of ours) and President of Relational Advantage, Inc. www.relationaladvantage.com. After reading what Dr. Linaman has to say, we’ll close with a few comments at the end.
Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy
- by Dr. Todd LinamanEveryone longs for — and needs — intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle to even to survive.
Some of the more common threats to marital int-macy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the “silent killer” that often goes unaddressed is depression. Over 17-million Americans [alone] suffer from depression each year. While both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.
Studies reveal that depression can be both the cause and result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it is a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.
As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.
It’s normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms as well as other, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is — depression.
Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes and sleep deprivation. Regardless of what may trigger depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain’s chemistry. A deficiency of certain nerotransmitters, such as serotonin and norepinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.
Although women are more likely to experience depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity.
And women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.
Other Facts: Today’s women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience depression. Women with other siblings or parents who have suffered from depression have a 20-25 per cent greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.
Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and/or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong.
- Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.
- Learning to say, “no” to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.
- Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.
- Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It’s important that someone know exactly how you’re feeling.
- Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.
- Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.
- Take one hour “vacations” at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.
- Take your focus off yourself. When you begin to feel discouraged or sad it’s easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone [or something] who would benefit from your time and attention.
- Pray consistently and study God’s word regularly. The ultimate key to guarding your marriage and your emotions is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord.
Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage.
By understanding the potential impact of depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better protected to combat the “silent killer” of marital intimacy.
We pray this information from Dr. Linaman is helpful. Both Cindy and I (Steve) have suffered from depression so we know first-hand how it can strain a marriage. Fortunately, we sought help and treatment. It made a huge difference in our marriage partnership and intimacy as we stood in support of each other.
It’s important to know that there is no shame in being depressed — Even King David fought depression and he was still called “a man after God’s own heart.” To help you fight this battle, we have many articles posted in the “Mental and Physical Health” section on our web site.
Cindy and I also know that the road may seem long to getting better, it IS possible! If your spouse is the one depressed you need to walk alongside him or her as much as they will allow because it is important for them to know they are not abandoned or alone in their struggle. As their marriage partner, you are God’s colleague in loving them.
And as we love “as Christ first loved us”, there is hope and healing in any struggle we may encounter in our marriages.
That’s the prayer of our hearts for your marriages,
Steve and Cindy Wright
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(UNITED STATES) I have been through depression in the past – and it wasn’t pretty at all. The drugs and drug therapy for depression has so many ill effects that it’s almost NOT worth trying. The first time I gained almost 75 pounds in less than 6 months…talk about depressing! I am going through another bout with depression – ok now, it’s been 20 years since the last time. Some of the drugs are still as bad or worse than the depression itself. However with my doctor, we’ve tried different combinations at different dosages. Sometimes during the day I can’t hold my head from hitting my keyboard – but for the most part it IS helping me NOT to go home and hide in my room, isolating myself and spending all my free time sleeping. I hate feeling this way – my husband says and acts supportive but there are times when I KNOW he is resentful that he does the cooking and cleaning…I don’t have an appetite or the energy to do anything else. Even on certain days I can’t even get myself into the bathtub. But DON’T QUIT TRYING. My kids and my grandkids ALONE give me reason to keep going to work every day and my husband, well, we’ll see how long he can handle it…
(UNITED STATED) Woodstock – I have to say that you wrote everything I was thinking and are going through with the exception I have two small children and no grandchildren. I recently went on anti-depression medication and found that so far, like you, it helps make me get out and do things but my husband deep down feels it’s all in my head and a lame excuse, saying he doesn’t act upon his bad upbringing with an abusive father. I told him I wish he could stand in my shoes for ONE day on a bad depressed day and see exactly what I feel. He will never understand. He can go about things as if nothing bothers him. He has a very strong will and I commend him for that. We will be married for 10 years in May ‘09 and I really don’t think it will last past that. Depression ruins marriages!!!!
(CANADA) Yes, I agree. My husband has not taken one measure of trying to understand my chronic depression. He has bullied me, demanded that I ’snap out of it’ and so on.
When my younger brother died less than two years ago, I discovered the depths of his struggle with his manic depression. During that time it became evident that my mother also suffered from this. Although my psychologist has told me that I am not manic depressive, growing up in an environment with all this around you certainly does contribute to how you view life and yourself. It is a daily struggle. My husband and I have now separated because as he said ‘you cannot be a wife to me’. Of course, this alienation does not help how I feel. Any suggestions? Margaret
(ZIMBABWE) Recently I had a miscarriage, following that a lot of relatives from my in-laws side, came over to see me. They came more times than the others. I was later advised that they were coming as a concern over our almost four years in marriage, without a child, and that we do "something" about it.
When I was reading the message on depression I was most inspired with the advice on addressing the problems as they arise. My husband and I had been waiting upon God and had not taken the routes proposed by various peers or relatives. But as of late, it has been him now giving me pressure. Trying to talk to him and confide in him has proven less fruitful. He was actually asking me whether it was urgent or not as he watched a soccer match. I was restless about it. More-so, thinking of how much it will cost to seek medical help versus praying and waiting on God, I was left in a restless state.
I pray that because there is a name which is above all names, there is a power which is above all kingdoms to help me get over this depression and will make known to those that do not know him, that he is the author and finisher of our lives.
I will start to work on addressing the pending issues with myself first. My husband and I agree on what is needed to be done. Thanks for the message.
(South Africa) I am very touched by this Marriage Message #40, because a lot of woman are suffering from depression and are very afraid to come forward because other people will laugh or gossip about them.
(USA) I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we often talked of marriage. Suddenly, a few weeks ago, he had a few setbacks. But, he seemed to be so much more distraught then I have ever seen him. He just shut down. He can’t sleep. He can’t concentrate at work. He doesn’t really eat. He goes off to be alone and think. He just stopped talking to me all together. I never pushed, I just let him try to know that I was here… but, eventually, he said that he had so much going on that he thought he should be alone.
I am at a loss. Now that I have had some distance from the situation, the Lord has revealed to me that this is something that has been going on with him for a long time. It is only now that I realize in retrospect that he would often disappear to deal with his issues and sink into “moods.” I never put it together before… and it has never been as bad or for as long as it has been now.
I pray for him often… that the Lord will heal him from this depression (because, I am almost certain that that is what it is). I am also waiting on the Lord… so that He can tell me what I should do. But, I am afraid… I feel like I have lost my best friend… and although every day gets easier and I can feel the Lord with me, I miss him so much. I just want him back. I’m waiting… but, it is so hard.
(RSA) If I have to think back on my life now, I realise that for a many years I have been experiencing signs of depression Even my husband has said this to me on his own. After having an emotional affair with someone, breaking it off and now trying to restore my marriage, the depression is even more that what is was before.
During 1 counseling session my husband and I went to, after my affair came to light, we mentioned to the pastor that we think I might be suffering of depression. Now I don’t want to go too deep into this, but this pastor prayed for me and this depression in form as a demon. He did say that he felt after praying and rebuking this demon that it is not severe. He did break this bondage in the name of Jesus.
But having reading up on depression, it comes across that depression might be a chronic thing and with the help of anti-depressants can perhaps be overcome or should I say just make things easier for me and my husband. Although I believe with God all things are possible, even for Him to remove my depression without any help or medication, I still wonder if there is not more to it. But my husband is worried that the medication will only help with the symptoms and not get to the root of the problem –> what is causing or what has caused my depression, which is probably true.
But if medication would help me to not be constantly depressed, which will also save my marriage at this stage, then I am really considering this option.
(USA) Dear NB, From reading your comment, it seems that you are on to something wise. I definitely believe that there can be demon possession involved with some forms of depression. But in other cases, it is a bio-chemical condition and at other times it’s a circumstantial reaction to things happening that causes us to lose touch with being in control of our emotions. THAT’S when medication may be needed for a time, and in some cases, even a life-time, depending upon the reason it is occurring.
Just like with Diabetes medication and anti-seizure medication, and antibiotics and such, your body may need help to work in the way it’s supposed to. I believe these medications and therapies are being discovered because God is working through the medical field to give wisdom to scientists to help us. Sometimes God heals directly and sometimes He works through someone else (like a minister or a doctor, etc) to help us get to a better state of health, physically and emotionally.
Depression can cause us to do all kinds of things we wouldn’t consider otherwise and can greatly affect us and those around us if it’s not properly dealt with. Pray, seek, and knock on the right doors to reach for good health. If it takes anti-depressants to get there, then so be it.
I think you are wise in exploring those possibilities. I pray the Lord guides you and helps you in this mission to overcome your depression.
(USA) I spent several years being depressed as the result of pelvic pain issues and having to take pain killers almost constantly — first for the pelvic pain for one week per month, and then for the migraines that started coming 2-3 times per week, triggered by rebound tension headaches from the pain killers! It was a never ending cycle of pain, and my body stopped releasing its own endorphins to deal with any physical stress, so even mild exercise would put me out of commission for several days. I was robbed of motivation for just about everything, including things I liked to do. The only thing that helped was the gospel, frankly. That my salvation and acceptance by God was not based on my performance, but on Christ’s perfect sacrifice, and that would never change.
My husband was very understanding for most of the time. But now that surgery has corrected the pain and my doctors have realized it wasn’t all just ‘in my head’ and I am coming out of the depression, getting back on top of housework in a house that is unfinished inside … is a major frustration. On top of all that, I now feel like my husband is punishing me for having ‘neglected’ so much of what I was supposed to be doing during that time. It is very unlike him, but if I am having a disagreement with my daughter or she has a meltdown over something, and I try to correct her, he will look at me and say “well you do the same thing!”
I find we cannot talk about ANYTHING except very shallow issues, without bickering, and I find it’s far easier just to stay out of his way. But is this typical for a spouse to do very well in caring for the other during the time of stress and then punish them afterward? I cannot figure out what is going on in his head. If I try to talk to him, he on the one hand, verbally he blames himself for not being the spiritual leader he should be, and on the other hand his attitude seems to say it’s my fault. To compound the matter, we have talked so many times about things that need doing, even ordinary everyday things, he has said he will do, and then doesn’t do. He’s apologized for so many things that never change, that I have lost confidence that his word actually means what it says. In that case, what is the point of communication if you can’t trust that your mate actually means (or at least that they care enough to follow through with) what they say? It’s not a deliberate attempt to deceive, it’s just that there’s NOT a deliberate attempt to make one’s actions match up with the words. He seems to have every intention to do what he should, but then something else always comes up, or he forgets, or…?