That’s the prayer of our hearts for all of us in our marriages. That’s what “cleaving” to each other means, as the Bible talks about. There are so many “forces” that compete for our attention that can easily come between us, that marital intimacy these days is something we need to protect. We’ve seen that if husbands and wives don’t work on marital intimacy today, it can very easily die out because of neglect.

One of the many killers of marital intimacy is a silent one, but is very deadly. It’s “depression.” We’d like to address this topic this week and we’re grateful that a colleague of ours has done some research on this important topic and has allowed us to share it with you. Dr. Todd Linaman is a licensed psychologist, a certified marriage and family therapist and President of Relational Advantage, Inc. (He and his wife Kendra have 3 children and live in Tucson, Arizona.)

We pray that what he has to say will be helpful to you and to those you will share this with. After reading what Dr Linaman has to say on the subject of depression in marriage, we’ll close with a few comments at the end.

Depression: The Silent Killer of Marital Intimacy -by Dr. Todd E. Linaman

Everyone longs for—and needs—intimacy. Intimacy in marriage exists when a husband and wife allow each other to experience everything they have to offer physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually without fear of criticism, judgment or rejection. Without intimacy a marriage cannot thrive and will struggle even to survive.

Some of the more common threats to marital intimacy include parenting, financial stress, unresolved anger, and unforgiveness. But the “silent killer” that often goes unaddressed is Depression. Over 17 million Americans suffer from Depression each year. While both men and women are susceptible, women are twice as likely to suffer from symptoms as men are. One of every four women will experience at least one depressive episode in their lifetime.

Studies reveal that Depression can be both the cause and the result of marital problems and dissatisfaction. It can also cause people in otherwise happy marriages to perceive themselves and their relationship in negative ways. For example, if a husband comes home late from work, a depressed woman may perceive his lateness as a sign that he no longer cares for her when, in reality, it was a simple matter of his boss detaining him to finish a project.

As a result of her assumptions, she may avoid him when he arrives home. This may cause him to feel isolated or rejected, and he may react by finding excuses not to spend time at home. Unless the silence is broken, the cycle of negative perceptions and rejection will destroy intimacy in the relationship.

It’s normal to experience feelings of disappointment and discouragement for brief periods of time. However, many people experience these symptoms, as well as others, for longer periods of time without recognizing it for what it really is— Depression.

Symptoms and Causes of Depression: Symptoms can range from mild to severe, lasting from a few hours to a few years. Mild symptoms include fatigue, irritability, sadness, decreased motivation and pessimism. More serious symptoms include feelings of worthlessness or guilt, emotional isolation, changes in eating and sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, low self-esteem, negative thinking patterns, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

Depression can be caused by difficult and traumatic life circumstances such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job or unresolved marital problems. It can be the result of prolonged periods of stress, personality traits, heredity factors, biochemical changes, and sleep deprivation.

Regardless of what may trigger depression, it is ultimately the result of changes that occur in the brain’s chemistry. A deficiency of certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and norepinephrine, is what causes a person to experience the symptoms of depression.

Although women are more likely to experience Depression in general, some women are more vulnerable than others. A recent study revealed that women with exposure to childhood adversity such as family violence, parental alcoholism, death of a parent, or parental discord or divorce are more likely to become depressed following stress than women without such adversity.

Women who experience what are referred to as humiliating life events, like infidelity on the part of their husband, threats of marital separation or divorce, or physical violence are six times more likely to experience a major depressive episode.

Other facts: Today’s women suffer from depression 10 times more often than their grandmothers did. Younger women are at a greater risk for depression than ever before. Nearly one out of three women 18-24 will experience Depression. Women with siblings or parents who have suffered from Depression have a 20-25% greater chance of becoming depressed themselves.

Keys to Overcoming Depression and Keeping Your Marriage Strong: As is true of any illness, prevention is the best medicine. Here are some strategies for preventing and or defeating depression while keeping your marriage strong:

•  Maintain a healthy lifestyle. A balanced diet and adequate rest will help stabilize brain chemistry. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which are natural mood elevators.

•  Learning to say “no” to activities and responsibilities that have the potential of creating overload is the first step to creating balance in your life.

•  Seek professional help as early as possible. Begin by talking to your family physician or a Christian counselor about possible treatment options.

•  Confide in your spouse or a close friend. It’s important to let someone know exactly how you’re feeling.

•  Educate yourself and your spouse about depression. Having an awareness of the signs and symptoms, understanding its potential impact in your life and knowing what treatment options are available to you can greatly help to minimize negative consequences.

•  Address problems in your marriage or personal life as they arise. Avoiding or ignoring problems will not make them go away or easier to cope with.

•  Take one hour “vacations” at least three times a week. Give yourself permission to spend at least three separate hours per week doing something that you really enjoy.

•  Take your focus off yourself. When we begin to feel discouraged or sad it’s easy to dwell on the circumstances we believe are responsible for our negative feelings. Place your focus on someone who would benefit from your time and attention.

•  Pray consistently and study God’s word regularly. The ultimate key to guarding your marriage and your emotions is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord.

Maintaining companionship, affection and harmony in your relationship will not only provide you with personal fulfillment and satisfaction, but it will also strengthen, guard and preserve your marriage. By understanding the potential impact of Depression and knowing how to effectively address its symptoms, you will be better prepared to combat the silent killer of marital intimacy.

Cindy: We’re so glad Dr. Linaman allowed us to share this information with you. We pray it’s helpful. I’d just like to add a post-script to the wisdom he shared with us because I’ve battled with depression at different times in my own life. And it definitely affected my marital intimacy with my husband Steve. I did have to go for professional help to get past some of the pain of my past.

I’m very blessed that I have a wonderfully supportive husband but how I wish I would have reached out for professional help sooner because it put such a strain on our marital relationship that only by the grace of God are we still together.

Women: what I’ve found is that past emotional, and/or physical, and/or sexual abuse, along with unforgiveness, cripples more women than we could ever comprehend. If you recognize that your past is affecting your intimacy with your husband, PLEASE get help for it as soon as possible. Don’t compound the damage that past pain can cause to your marriage today. Trying to close your eyes to it, hoping it will go away is allowing the enemy of your faith the opportunity to prolong the time he has to sadistically play with your present life.

If you need a Christian counselor to help you get past your pain, and you don’t know of one, call Focus on the Family at 1-800-A Family. They have a huge referral list.

Again, please don’t allow your past to rob you and your spouse of the intimacy that can be so sweet between the two of you. God wants to take the two of you, and make you one— the enemy wants to take the one of you and make you into two. Don’t allow him the victory.

Steve: I too went through a pretty serious bout of depression two years ago. Like Cindy said, it can be crippling and, if not recognized and treated, can be very damaging to our marriages.

Men, let me urge you that if you recognize any of the symptoms Dr. Linaman listed, the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife is to seek Christian counseling and medical attention if it’s decided you need medication to get better. I did both and I can tell you that it made all the difference in the world. Also, if you recognize any of these symptoms in your wife, lovingly let her know of your concern for her. If she has already been diagnosed with depression-be patient and supportive.

Cindy and I know that the road may seem long to getting better, but you need to walk beside her on that journey to healing. She needs to know that what she (and you) are dealing with won’t affect your love or commitment to her. Let me close with a quote I read this week: “Love will find a way. Everything else will find an excuse.”

Again, as we love as Christ first loved us, there is hope and healing in any struggle we can encounter in our marriages.

Our love and prayers are with you,
Steve and Cindy Wright

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