When we’ve been hurt by our spouse (or anyone else) the first tendency most of us instinctively have is to protect ourselves from ever being hurt like that again. The second tendency oftentimes is to become bitter because of the victimization we feel.

Sometimes it comes upon us quickly and we instinctively grab onto it and other times it seems to “sneak” up on us over time like a thief, gradually stealing away our peace and changing who we are before we even realize it’s happened.

Bitterness can seem to be a natural emotional tendency we can fall into when we’ve been severely hurt. But the Lord often tells us to go against our natural tendencies — especially in the case of holding onto bitterness —and to forgive them. It isn’t because God doesn’t understand why we would feel this way, and that He doesn’t feel compassion for us, but because He has a bigger plan involved — a plan we may never understand this side of heaven— something He’s asking us to trust Him with.

He also tells us to allow Him to deal with retribution instead of us. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:17-21)

It may be helpful to keep in mind that just because we don’t see God taking revenge according to the timing or the manner we think is appropriate, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be accomplished in some way in the future. It’s a faith-walk we’re traveling on this side of heaven, and there are times when we just have to trust God for what we don’t understand. As the Bible says in Proverbs 3:5-6,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Yet it’s so very difficult to trust God and to forgive those who have hurt us. It’s all the more difficult when the person isn’t repentant. It requires monumental resolve to bring ourselves to the place where we release them from the wrath we want them to experience and to see for ourselves that they suffer. But again, when God tells us to do something, our reasoning’s don’t excuse us from following through with what He’s told us to do. He is God and we are not. As we’re told in Isaiah 55:9,

As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

It might be helpful to think of it in this way:

“Biblical forgiveness always insists on personal moral responsibility, but it transfers the right of retribution to the One to whom this rightfully belongs. When I forgive an offender, I do not decide he couldn’t help what he did to me. Rather, I decide that it is not my place to pay him back. God alone has this right because all sin is first of all an act of rebellion against him, and because he is the only competent moral Judge.

“In transferring this crime to a higher court, I am not overturning justice— I am cooperating with God’s perfect justice.” (Gary DeLasmutt, from the book, Loving God’s Way)

What it comes down to, is that forgiveness is to be given unconditionally and revenge is “transferred” to God to take care of, because we’re told to do so by our Heavenly Father, who is worthy of our trust. And that’s the way it is. It’s all part of our faith-walk here on earth.

But it’s also important to realize that in giving forgiveness, it doesn’t mean the person is totally free to victimize us again, and that we must also trust them just because we’ve forgiven them. Trust is something they need to earn. God has not told us to put trust into those who don’t deserve it. Reconciliation isn’t a requirement of forgiving the other person. Reconciliation is something the other person must work through with you. But holding onto unforgiveness or bitterness isn’t something we’re allowed to cling onto.

I believe part of the reason for this, is for our own protection. Unforgiveness and bitterness most often hurts the victim more than it hurts the person who harmed us in the first place. It changes our whole countenance and the direction of our thoughts and most often, our actions. It eats up our joy and consumes the peace we can have within, if we don’t release it. And it usually spills over and hurts others as we share the emotions with them and often take it out on them in some way because we can’t seem to hold our bitter emotions in as time progresses.

Studies have also shown that it also takes its toll on our health, causing all kinds of physical ailments because of the toxicity which bitter emotions emit into our bodies.

I believe these are some of the reasons (among others, including eternal reasons we may never understand in our lifetime) God requires us to get rid of any bitter and unforgiving feelings we may be holding onto. The Bible says in Hebrews 12:14-15:

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

It also challenges in Hebrews 12:1-3 where it says:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So, we’re to trust God, forgive those who hurt us, and not become bitter or take revenge, even when we don’t understand all the reasons behind any of those actions. It’s trusting God’s heart and motives, applying whatever “faith” we have to the whole matter. An acronym for “faith” is: F.A.I.T.H. = Forsaking All I Trust Him!

The question is, do you? Do you trust Him, even when you don’t understand what He’s doing —even when He hasn’t let you in on His plan? And, WILL you? Will you put your trust in Him?

But there’s one more thing required in all of this. It’s another thing that’s really difficult (just as all of the other things have been). Will you thank Him, despite the pain? Will you live out what it tells us to do in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? In those verses we’re told to:

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

That’s really difficult isn’t it? It’s difficult enough to trust, forgive, not become bitter, and not take revenge, but to be joyful, despite the hurt and give thanks for what has hurt us? That seems almost cruel that God would ask us to go that far. The “praying continually” part isn’t so difficult, and even the joyful part can be possible, because even in the midst of tears we can often find some things to laugh about and take pleasure in. But to give thanks in ALL circumstances — even the ones that have hurt us so very deeply, seems impossible!

Keep in mind that “God never did anything to you that wasn’t FOR you” (or for others in the grander scale of things for His kingdom sake).

And most often it isn’t something that God did TO you that you’re suffering from, but rather it’s something He ALLOWED to happen, for whatever reason He has decided. It’s another thing we have to trust Him with. We live in a fallen world. When the world fell into sin, even the innocent began to suffer the consequences of hurtful things. God doesn’t promise to protect us from every “trouble” that comes our way. We’re warned in John 16:33,

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

In other words, we can count on having troubles in this world. Again, we live in a fallen world and people make stupid and sinful choices that hurt others who are innocent. God hates sin and the consequences, but He has promised us that we can have peace if we trust Him, and allow Him to redeem that which hurts us. We can also be confident that He has overcome the world and that in the final scheme of everything that happens, we can have peace.

The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions.