My husband and I agreed we never should have married. Here’s what we did about it.
It could’ve been a scene from Father of the Bride when our daughter Alison and her boyfriend announced they were getting married. While I whooped and hollered and hugged everyone in sight, my husband grew uncharacteristically quiet and drummed his fingers on his leg. I chalked it up to Barry’s aversion to tuxedos or panic over a wedding’s high cost. But once we were alone, I discovered it was something else altogether.
“I don’t want them to make the same mistake we did,” he told me. I gulped. “But they’re not us,” I assured him. “Besides, look how far we’ve come in 21 years. Do you still think we made a mistake?” Although I knew he would agree that God had transformed our marriage, it was a hard moment.
Barry and I got married three months after we met, with little clear thinking but an overwhelming physical attraction. By the time we discovered we had nothing in common, we had already vowed to love each other. Forever.
Very soon I discovered I was pregnant, and neither of us wanted to break up our family. So Barry and I spent the first decade of our marriage pondering the “if onlys,” each thinking we’d married the wrong person. We had a few laughs, but secretly we believed a truly fulfilling future was out of our reach.
And we weren’t the only ones. Several friends have admitted they reached a point in their marriages where one or both partners said, “We made a mistake. My needs aren’t being met. I want out.” Our friends Mike and Amanda, for instance, were considered a “mistake” before they even got started. A premarital counselor told them they were “totally incompatible.”
“But we were in love!” explains Mike. So he set out to do everything right. He read marriage books and followed every principle. He didn’t understand that no book could dictate how, exactly, to shape his unique marriage to Amanda. But because Mike thought he was doing everything “right,” when something went wrong, it was never his fault.
Amanda says their marriage was like “Pharisee Meets Samaritan Woman” —she was always in the wrong. When she was angry, she’d retreat from Mike, leaving the room and creating emotional distance. Eventually both of them turned their attention to separate friendships and activities.
For a while Barry and I also lived as “divorced marrieds.” Barry sought fulfillment through sports and tinkering around the house, while I worked on crafts and sewing projects, shopped with friends or went to church activities. We kept ourselves detached, each thinking we could’ve done better with someone else as a life partner.
Such extreme emotional detachment can lead to infidelity. A couple from my Bible study fell into the “divorced married” trap. “We didn’t fight,” explained the husband. “It was just nothing.” They both felt their marriage was a mistake, and both had extramarital affairs.
Disappointed couples often dwell too much on what might have been. In his book For Better, For Worse, For Keeps (Multnomah), Bob Moeller points out,
“Retracing our life’s steps and wishing we had made different choices may provide momentary distraction, but ultimately it does nothing to bring reconciliation.”
It does the exact opposite, in fact, by breeding discontent and resentment. Mentally rehearsing where you went wrong keeps you from being thankful for what’s right, and from working to make things better. Emotional distance and the “if onlys” are warning signs that a marriage is in danger.
Another indicator is blame. I blamed my marital unhappiness on the fact that I’d become a Christian early in our marriage and Barry hadn’t. I felt sure he was the reason for all our conflicts and distress. I let him know-often-that our life would be so much easier if only he’d obey God. Finally, he told me that if I wanted a Christian husband so bad he’d go to church and pick one out for me. That’s when I realized my pushy behaviors were hurting, not helping.
Where to Go from Here
It’s easy to rationalize: I married the wrong person. Since we’re both miserable, the logical thing to do is get out now. Yet how often do we ask, “Does God think my marriage is a mistake?”
“Dwelling on whether or not you married the right person ignores God’s stake in the choice you already made,” write Dr. Richard Matteson and Janis Long Harris in What If I Married the Wrong Person? (Bethany). Barry and I may not have shown any regard for God’s purposes for us, but our choice to marry didn’t surprise him. Looking back, what we once considered a mistake we now view as part of a higher plan.
“God’s purposes are greater than our poor choices,” writes Moeller. “He can accomplish things we never imagined, in spite of our mistakes.”
I wish I could say Barry and I set up a ten-step plan to improve our marriage once we realized we were living with regrets. Personal growth takes time, but we hung in there long enough to let God work. Here are five steps that will help you set your disappointments aside long enough to focus on what’s good about your marriage.
1. Begin at the beginning. Go back to your original vow to remain married for the rest of your lives. “The way to renew a marriage doesn’t begin with a change of emotions,” writes Moeller, “but with an act of will.” The restoration of joy and fulfillment is brought about by living by our promises.
My friends from Bible study who both committed adultery could have claimed they had biblical reasons to divorce, but they made the difficult choice to stick with their original commitment. “It wasn’t easy,” the wife admitted, “but with divorce not being an option, it forced us to work toward reconciliation.”
2. Let go of past hurts. Barry and I began acknowledging our individual failures and seeking each other’s forgiveness. As the verse in Philippians says, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” In this case, our goal was a mutually satisfying union.
I stopped viewing Barry as he could be (which he interpreted as disapproval) and began appreciating him for who he was (among other things, trustworthy and responsible). I realized I actually liked him!
3. Keep going until you get there. As Moeller stresses again and again: “The only way out is through.” That means no giving up-even in adversity. Our friend Mike, who liked to do everything “right,” learned the hard way that no problem is solved by running from it.
When his wife, Amanda, put up a wall of anger, Mike would console himself by saying, “All I need is Jesus.” But a counselor pointed out that unless his retreating into God’s presence resulted in reaching out to his wife, his actions displeased God. Although he likened it to confronting enemy fire on a battlefield, Mike began reaching out to Amanda. “To me,” she said, “more than all the ‘right’ things he does, that shows me that he loves me.”
4. Dare to believe. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 3:20-21 that God “is able to do super-abundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes or dreams” (Amplified). That promise is true for marriages —even when only one partner is willing to change. “There’s always hope,” says writer and speaker Claudia Arp, “because God needs only one heart to begin to work in a relationship.”
Instead of bemoaning a “marriage mistake,” I relinquished my ideas of what makes a satisfying marriage and asked God to give me a servant’s heart toward Barry. Packing his lunch, running errands for him, keeping the driveway swept-I did these things (and still do) because I know Barry views them as proof of my love. Over time he responded by staying home more and choosing to spend time with me.
5. Give it time. Sigmund Freud said, “Someday, given enough time, we will look back on our lives and discover the most difficult moments have become the most precious to us.” My “someday” came about ten years ago when Barry gave me a ring he wore as a child, a gold band with a diamond and ruby chip. He said, “When we first got married, I didn’t love you. But I do now.”
Through my tears I confessed my original lack of love and added, “I love you now, too.”
Did we make a mistake? It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is the love we’ve found from the God who redeems and makes all things new.
The above article was featured in the Summer 1997 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine, which unfortunately, is no longer being printed. But the do have a huge number of archived articles displayed on their web site at www.marriagepartnership.com. We highly recommend that you visit it to see what you can learn about marriage.
The author of this article, Nancy Kennedy, lives in Inverness, Florida. She is the author of Honey, They’re Playing Our Song (Multnomah/Questar).
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(CANADA) Aaaahhhh!! Finally something I can relate to! My husband and I have been married for a LOOONNNGGG 5 months and each is convinced that the marriage is a mistake. It’s my belief that there is little to no compatibility. Why did we get married? I don’t know. I think I just wanted to. He definitely wanted to. So this article gives me hope that perhaps somewhere down the line, this marriage can be a source of joy rather than deep and abiding regret.
I do not love my husband and am not in love with. I have never been in love with him. I thought I could learn to love him but that is proving so very difficult. We’re both believers and so I am hoping GOD will one day change our mourning to dancing. We will likely not be having children which is a pity since we both want some but we don’t want to be bringing them in our poisoned atmosphere.
This article reminds me that GOD who made creation out of nothing, can make something of this marriage.
I so understand the term "divorced marrieds", It’s what my husband wants to work towards and I naturally disagree. To me, either we make this work or we get out entirely. I do not see how GOD could be pleased with us living a lie. In any case, I just wanted to say thank you for writing and publishing this article. I felt like we were the only ones in our particular situation of a loveless marriage (he loves a little, I love less) right at the onset, but I see that we’re not and that gives me hope. Thank you again!
(USA) I once felt like I did not marry the person I was supposed to, but as I released myself from him (the old guy), I began to understand that it would have probably been worse than the one that I have. I could think of other guys and go ‘oh man, I should have gotten with him,” but the point is that even if it could be worse or it could be better with someone else, you are with the one that you are with. In changing your outlook on your husband, and especially if your husband is willing to work on your marriage as well, with Christ, nothing is stopping you from having a wonderful marriage.
But I believe it takes two to make it work. Even so, I have been reading Gary Smalley’s books and they have helped me open my heart to my husband, even though he has not opened up to me b/c of past hurts and things I think that he is projecting onto me. But at least I know that I am doing my part and being what God called me to be in this marriage, and if he is not pleased to stay with me, then I will have to let him go.
But to make your husband responsible for making YOU happy is to place a lot of expectation on the marriage and therefore, disappointment. Start reflecting on the good things about each other – even the things that challenge your thinking.
I remember when I first started dating my now husband, I was very judgmental. His way of thinking really challenged some of my ways for the better. He has made me grow in areas that I hadn’t planned on growing. But nonetheless I am a better person for being stretched. I think it is when one refuses to grow, redevelop, communicate, and give in a marriage, that conflict, unmet expectations, blame, and confusion, and frustration enters the marriage.
I remember for the longest time thinking that marriage was 50/50. But I read somewhere that marriage 100/100. Give 100% to your marriage with God’s direction and use God’s love through you towards your mate and I believe that real love will grow between the two of you. Remember that Christ said, how can you say you love God, who you have not seen and hate your brother – your husband. Love is a Decision (also a book by Gary Smalley).
(USA) Wow… I can relate!!! Thanks for article. I’m almost 3 years in marriage and it’s been a process!!! But, I truly believe that it’s all a part of growing pains!!! When I got married I had a fairy tale of what I believed my marriage would be. And now I believe God is showing me reality!!! There is no such thing as "perfect" …a Prince riding up on a horse to carry me off to wonderland! I think I watched a little too much Disney growing up!!! lol…
So, of course when I started to see the reality… it was harsh for me and I felt deceived. I wanted someone more spiritual than me… someone who could teach me spiritually… and it seems like it has been the other way around. But, as I continue to reflect, I see how God is working it for my good. I am growing closer and closer to God with each day. And I know in the end, my husband and I will have a awesome testimony that we will be able to share with others!!! God Bless.
(USA) I am not sure if I got what I was looking for out of this, but I will try to put it into my marriage situation. I am happily married, though it hasn’t been easy. We have been married for 4 1/2 years and have 2 kids. I have been thinking that I married the wrong person and I have been unable to stop thinking about the person I believe that God had in His plans for me. BUT I realize that this is adultery. Yet I can’t stop thinking about what my life would be like now had I choosen the “right” path.
Please, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it! I love my husband, but I don’t know if I have ever been “in love” with him. We don’t believe in divorce and I will make it work, but I need to be able to let go of the what-ifs before I can find the joy in my marriage. Yet I am having a terrible time letting go.
(USA) Hi Jenny. First of all I want to reassure you that your marriage is fine. I believe this fast world and friends, who seem to be doing well, doesn’t make us feel any better. It’s therefore, tempting to think we didn’t choose the right person. The problem is we can never see what happens behind closed doors and see how everyone else actually lives. I have learned this by talking to female friends, relatives and also reading about other people’s experiences on this website.
Not many people are satisfied by their lives- full satisfaction only comes from a good relationship with God who gives us contentment, hope for the future, appreciation and unconditional love for people around us. The “happily ever after” movies and soaps that we watch are not a true representation of the challenges and day to day hardships faced by patient and God-fearing people.
As for me I’ve decided to separate myself from some of these thing because they mess with my head and make me have unrealistic expectations of life in general. Generally relationships seem boring or stagnant with time because we imagine better things that we think should have happened to us. This is a recurring feeling even if you win the lottery today.
I believe you fell in love with your husband and actually married him for the right reasons. The inevitable realities of life obscure the good judgment you made 4 years ago. Please don’t be deceived. The Bible says our battle is not against flesh and blood but the evil spirits that have waged a war against God and want to undermine the sacredness of marriage. Do not worry. We all have marriage problems but it’s good to hang in there and reap the fruits of patience, long-suffering and faithfulness.
There’s no doubt, if you decide to find someone else, you will probably find a different set of worse problems. I suggest you ask God to help you focus on your current life. You will come out a better person and be able to give testimony to others about how your prayers and hard work paid off. I believe the things we enjoy and appreciate the most are those we have worked hard & persevered for. Keep the faith.
(USA) That was a great posting which I will save to read again. I too had doubts about my marriage but passed it off as cold feet. 5 months later I regret it yet I don’t want to divorce because I feel I will hurt my husband/step child terribly, plus our church frowns big time on divorce, and I admit, I am so ashamed because I should have known better and because I should have had the courage to not marry him.
I pray everyday for forgiveness and grace because I feel I have not been honest with myself and with my husband. I wish I had never married him. I love him but now realize I am not in love with him. It became painfully clear that even though we both have the same values and believe in God deeply, we are so different in other areas. I now know that if I want the quality of life I desire, it’s going to be soley up to me and this is burdensome. I feel my life is over and I’m beginning to feel dying is the only way out. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see a way out.
(USA) I know how you feel. I married fast and when I proposed to my girlfriend I thought it was right. We set a date to get married and started the required meetings with the priest. We did so much planning and put so much time into it I just couldn’t tell her I didn’t feel the same way about her. I mean she is lovely and sweet, but there was something telling me i wasn’t happy and I just couldn’t break it off in fear of making her sad.
At the wedding I was going through the motions and the next day I cried. I always go back in my mind and think if I broke it off would I be happier? I know that is not a healthy way to think. I am just waiting on the Lord. If He wants me to stay I will. I don’t see how He would want me to leave a woman and child (hers) in need just for my happiness.
Life still goes on but sometimes I feel I’m living a lie. I just hope and pray for a revelation. I shared with my wife my unsurety and it hurts her but she knows i love her-just not the way I really want to love my wife -I want to with all my heart.
(USA) I will pray for you sister. I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. I would really pray and open your heart to Gods will for your life. I know you didn’t really want to marry him, but God can make things better. Also, God wants to give you peace in your heart. He doesn’t want you to suffer.
Sometimes I ask myself what is more important my happiness or making others happy and sacrificing mine- isn’t that an example of Jesus? This of course is if you are not suffering. Maybe you have changed a bit since this letter or maybe not. I just pray you will have peace and follow Gods word. He will either make it work or give you a way out but we have to be connected to Him. Peace to you sister.