Do you ever feel like you just can’t seem to agree on when and how to communicate with each other? Before you were married it seemed like you didn’t have problems in that area. You both felt satisfied with how you were both able to connect with each other and at times almost felt you could read each other’s minds. Isn’t it ironic how much that can change after marriage?

Part of the reason is because of the bio-chemicals that are running through your brains when you find yourself attracted to someone. It’s been shown in research that your brain chemistry changes for a period of time and you experience a state of euphoria when you’re together.

Your likes and dislikes change in importance during that time-frame. Eventually, as time progresses, the chemistry changes settle down and you start to see things more realistically. That’s one of the reasons why it’s good to go through a long engagement time together before marrying so you can eventually deal more realistically with each other and work on bridging your differences.

One of the differences we need to deal with is how we communicate with each other. We often use different mental dictionaries to define what good communication is composed of. And for that reason we need to find ways to build bridges between our different communicate styles so each of us is satisfied. It’s good to keep in mind that being different isn’t wrong—it’s just different!

We talked about the difference being an “Amplifier” and a “Condenser” in Marriage Message #204. But there’s also a big difference between being a “Feelings” communicator, and being someone who is “Factual” in how they approach conversations! Jack and Carole Mayhall have some things to say that we all could learn from on that subject in their book, “Opposites Attack” (which is unfortunately no longer in print). Here’s what they write:

“I am beginning to believe that the way most husbands define ‘good communication’ is about as similar to the way most wives define it, as a giraffe is to a hippopotamus. They’re both animals, but the similarity begins and ends there.

“Take a person who is emotional and subjective. Throw in her love for having deep, feeling-type conversations, then add a spouse who is objective, logical and factual—where his primary love language is that of care-giving and protection. Send them out for dinner for 3 hours to talk. They haven’t really talked for some time, so they both start off with empty communication cups. Let’s watch what happens.

“An hour goes by while they catch up on what has been happening at work, with their schedules, with the children, and with their friends. His cup is now 50% full; hers is at the most 5% full. They spend another hour discussing a problem he’s having with a client, considering what they want to do on their next vacation, and evaluating the status of their financial planning. His cup is now up to 80% full and hers is 15%.

“During their third hour they share what they’re learning in Bible study and what they’d like to see happen in the small group they’re part of. The dinner is over, and his cup is 90% full—and hers? It’s maybe 25% full. As they leave the restaurant, he thinks, ‘What a great time of communication we’ve had!’ She’s thinking and feeling, ‘We’ve only just begun! And now we won’t have time to really talk!’ He says, ‘We’ll have to do this again next month.’ She says, ‘How about tomorrow?’

“For you feeling-sharers, I don’t need to spell out what’s happened here. But for you fact-oriented people, let me explain. The wife loved every minute of the 3-hour conversation. But she needed more. To fill her communication cup, part of the 3 hours would need to have been spent sharing the joys, sorrows, frustrations, delights, and wonders of everything from problems at work, to the insights of Bible study, to the concerns for the children.

She’d also want to explore her responses to each of those joys, sorrows, frustrations, delights, and wonders. And the final portion would be having her husband share his feelings about these issues. Then her cup would be overflowing!

“Here’s a tremendous question for a facts-person to ask a feeling-person: ‘On a scale of 1—10, with 10 being high, how are you feeling at this moment abut yourself as a parent, in your job, as a friend, as a child of parents, as a spouse, and in your walk with God?’ Then to put the icing on the cake, share with your spouse how you feel about one or two of the above.

“If you ask any 10 couples to rate their success in communicating, I believe that in 8 or 9 cases the husband would say, ‘We’re doing great. I’d rate us at least an 8 or 9 on a scale of 10.’ And the wife would look embarrassed because she’s rating them a 2. Why? It’s because most women think they haven’t really communicated unless they’ve shared on a feeling level. But most men are satisfied with stating and discussing the facts.

“So how do you come to terms with this great disparity? Slowly, you expect it to take time, maybe even years, because both of you must change. The subjective, feeling-oriented person must deal with, and in many cases change, their expectations .

“We once asked a counselor of engaged couples what was the difficulty he ran into most frequently. Without a moment’s hesitation he replied, ‘Unrealistic expectations.’ Engaged couples aren’t alone in this area. One married couple drove four hours to see us about some difficulties they were having. During the drive, the wife let out all her frustrations, feelings, and thoughts to her husband, who patiently listened and responded.

“As they spoke to us later she said, ‘Oh, if we could just do this every day, we wouldn’t have any problems.’ Her husband rolled his eyes heavenward, and I smiled as I said, ‘Your husband would go crazy if he had to spend four hours every day talking about feelings.’ He nodded emphatically.

“That wife needed to deal with her unrealistic expectations. Rare is the person who can explore deep feelings for several hours a day. There are more who can do it for several hours a week but for most fact-oriented people, several hours a month is more realistic, and those hours would need to be broken into several segments. (For this reason, I’m convinced a feeling-type woman needs a close female friend who is like her to relieve the husband of being the only one with whom she can explore emotions.)

“But while many must face up to their own unrealistic expectations, objective people have to become aware of needs not their own, develop a desire to meet those needs, and pray for the willingness both to listen to the feelings of a spouse and also to express their own emotions.

This requires unselfishness, for it’s difficult to take the time to probe and listen. But oneness demands it. Sharing just facts is only scratching the surface. The unsatisfied partner may become unhappy and start pushing destructive buttons in order to get attention.

“Both kinds of people need patience. Logical people need patience to listen to things they may not be tuned into. Feeling people need patience for the long process involved as the factual person learns to share emotions.

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We pray this has been insightful. If you apply these principles, you’ll be surprised how you’ll grow to be communicators that will better satisfy your marriage partner! We’ve found that to be true and believe you will too. 

God Bless,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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