“It’s not uncommon for couples to struggle with the fact that they don’t agree on something as serious as this war,” said Dr. Sherod Miller, Co-developer of Couple Communication Program. “How they choose to handle their differences can have a huge impact on their relationship.”

If that sounds like you—or someone you know—then this weeks Marriage Message from a recent article from Julie Baumgardner in the Chattanooga Times should prove to help us understand that disagreements are okay as long as we know “how” to disagree without disrespecting our spouse. That’s true for the war or anything else we may disagree over. She continues by saying:

Most communication between couples is driven by listening for agreement or disagreement in the content of the conversation. We find out where we agree and in many cases, we pay dearly where we disagree.

Politics and religion seem to be the most common areas where couples end up on opposite sides of the fence. This is the point where the dance begins to persuade the other person to come over to the ‘right’ side of the fence. Escalation, the silent treatment, shaming the other person or being unwilling to talk about the issue are all part of the dance to get the person to ’see it my way,’ which means ‘I win.’”

Most of the time Rob and Tina are a happily married couple, but when it comes to the war there’s dissention among the ranks. Their difference of opinion has the potential to polarize their marriage.

“Rob is glued to the television or radio most of the time looking for the latest information,” said Tina. “He’s totally engrossed in everything that’s going on. I really have a hard time watching it at all. I can’t handle the unnecessary pain and suffering. Before the war began, we had some lively discussions. At this point, we just don’t talk about it.” According to Dr. Miller, most people recognize that these types of discussions involve talking about an issue (content) and end with some type of outcome. What they don’t realize is that throughout the conversation there’s a process going on.

“Through our research, we’ve discovered that most people have very limited choices for how they talk about issues,” said Dr. Miller. “What we teach in Couple Communication is how to understand without agreeing. Some view that as weak, but I believe it takes a strong person to appreciate and value the fact that their spouse has an opposing point of view. We’re unique individuals. When we try to force the same world-view of a situation, like the war, on our spouse it discounts their uniqueness.

It’s a myth that in order to be a strong, healthy couple you must agree on everything. From an early age, we learn that when people agree with us it validates our point of view and me as a person.”

Dr. Miller believes that couples can discuss potentially volatile issues in a way that builds up the marriage. In order to do this, couples must first understand that their value as a person and marriage partner isn’t tied to agreement or disagreement.

• The first step in the process is being considerate of the other person.

• Next, you need to focus on managing yourself instead of trying to control those around you.

• The third step is the capacity to talk about the issue without feeling like you have to persuade the other person to come over to your side. Instead of listening for agreement with your point of view, you listen for understanding. This is a critical point. When you listen for understanding, you may believe that what the other person is saying is a bunch of bologna, but the key is you don’t get angry about it.

• Finally, consider this question: What’s the worst thing that will happen if we don’t agree?

Rob recognizes that he values his relationship with Tina enough that these disagreements won’t rock the foundation of their marriage. They can disagree and at the end of the day the love is still strong and they respect each other’s opinion.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at julieb@firstthings.org.

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We pray this information will help to draw you closer together as you learn how to “agree to disagree.” None of us will ever agree about everything—because having differences in how we view things is a normal part of living. But as Dr Miller told us, it’s how we “choose to handle” our “differences that can have a huge impact” on our relationship.It again comes down to every day choices to choose each other as being more important than ourselves. As the Bible tells us, “Do nothing from selfishness and empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself” (Philippians 2:3).  

We’re personally learning that so much of what we’ve argued about in the past is just “small stuff.” And we’re learning that as the saying goes, not to “sweat the small stuff” —is pretty good advice. We’re learning to relax more with each other over all the ridiculous “small stuff” that won’t matter a hundred years from now. It really isn’t worth working so hard to persuade each other to see things our way so much of the time. How about you? As Dr Miller said, “What’s the worst thing that will happen if we don’t agree?”

We hope you’ll read this message together and talk about the various points that are posed. It’s our prayer that together we’ll work to pro-actively make our marriages the best they can be—ones that continually reflecting the love of Christ in every situation.

Steve and Cindy Wright