Romantic marriage rule #1: Don’t be too pooped to pucker

David and Claudia Arp have a simple question for parents: Do you have 20 seconds a day to devote to your marriage?

If you can manage one-third of a minute a day, they suggest dividing it between a passionate kiss when you part in the morning and another when you meet again at night. Most people find it’s a longer lip lock than they expect.

“We get more e-mails from that one suggestion,” said Claudia Arp, who heads Marriage Alive International with her husband. “People say it makes such a big difference to focus on each other, even just for 20 seconds each day.”

Indeed, while experts support the often cited “date night,” they say it’s the small, daily gestures of romance that keep parents in love. “It’s the small things that change how you feel, not the trip to Hawaii,” said Leslie Parrot, co-director of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. “If you’re in the kitchen standing at the sink washing bottles at 11 p.m. and your husband comes up behind you and rubs your shoulders for 30 seconds, you feel so connected because that moment happened.”

A kiss is important because how couples greet each other “sets the emotional tone for intimacy for the whole rest of the evening,” said Parrot, who co-wrote “When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages” with her husband, Les. “If you start off with ‘What’s for dinner?’ or ‘Did you get the mail?’ that sets a different tone.”

Janet Jacobson, a third-grade teacher, always greets John, her husband of 19 years, with a fuss. “I drop what I’m doing (usually making dinner) and come to the door to greet him,” said the Redmond mom of four. She also calls him at work every day during her 15-minute class break. “We have the best conversations on the phone,” she said. “I look forward to it, because I have his undivided attention.”

Time Together:

Finding time for each other can be challenging for parents, who sometimes sacrifice romance to the demands of children and busy schedules.

“Most couples at our workshops tell us they can’t find any time to be together,” said David Arp, who co-authored Love Life for Parents: How to Have Kids and a Sex Life Too” with his wife. “And when they do have time, they have no energy and no interest.” Parents today “really take their parenting role seriously, often at the expense of their own relationship,” David Arp said. “It’s always, ‘Next month we’ll have time for us.’ But it never quite happens.”

Often, parents who work outside the home feel guilty about leaving their children and let them stay up late in the evening so they have more family time but less alone time.

In the end, though, keeping their marriage strong is the best thing parents can do for their kids, said Pamela Jordan, a University of Washington School of Nursing professor and co-author of “Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows.” “Marriage forms the foundation of a family, so parents need to make sure it’s a nice, firm foundation,” Jordan said. “If parents are angry and resentful toward each other, that’s not a happy emotional environment for children to grow in.

“Parents let the ‘goodies’ the fun, friendship and intimacy that brought them together in the 1st place fall by the wayside,” Jordan said. “Life gets very hectic, and children and work clamor for attention. A relationship doesn’t until it’s in bad shape.”

For many new parents, the sudden switch from “all-us” time to “all-baby” time is difficult, Parrot said. “You trade in your couple relationship for a family-centered relationship,” she noted. While for most it’s a positive trade, parents might mourn the loss of their close coupledom.

Parents of young children often put off their relationship at first, figuring it will get easier to be together when children are older and more independent. In fact, older children come with their own demands. They need help with homework and various car pools; teens stay up late and require a lot of emotional support for various crises.

Date Night:

Postponing romance until kids leave the house shouldn’t be an option. Romance when kids are around is tepid, at best. So parents always end up with the well-worn favorite: date night. “When parents schedule time together regularly, they’re amazed at how different their lives look afterward,” said Jordan. “They’re much less angry with each other. It really makes a difference.”

Jacobson says it’s her husband who insists on dates, which they try to do weekly but end up doing every other or every third week. ” It’s easy to let weeks and weeks go by without connecting with one another,” she admitted. “I’ll do things I need to do around here instead of going out physically from the house.”

The Jacobson’s go out to dinner or get dessert so they can talk instead of seeing a movie. Sometimes they walk or sit by the lake. A different setting helps you focus on your partner —”Oh right, that’s why I married you” —rather than the mundane details of the day,” said Jacobson, whose children range in age from 10 to 17.

If parents don’t make an effort to stay connected in small ways, however, the slights and problems build up and they end up fighting during their precious alone time. “Separate the business of the relationship from the pleasure of the relationship,” Jordan advised. “Otherwise, the first time you’re away from the kids, you’ll end up in an argument about an item from the checkbook.”

Understanding the three facets of love passion, intimacy and commitment can help parents understand what might be missing from their relationship. Then they can spend their date time filling that need, Parrott said. She and her husband rate their love life on a scale of 1 to 10 using each of the 3 factors. “Many times, my passion is a 2,” said Parrott, who has a 4-year-old son. “Parents have lots of opportunities for passion to be doused.”

In that case, she said, seeing a movie is probably not going to be a fulfilling date. “We don’t have time as parents to be sloppy in keeping love alive,” she said.

“You see so many marriages crumbling,” Jacobson said. “You have to be proactive and take care of your marriage. It’s not something that’s just going to happen.”

Having friendship as the basis for their relationship helps them communicate quickly about important things without wasting time fighting, Jacobson said. “It hasn’t always been perfect,” she said. “But no matter how many years go by, our relationship feels quite fresh. One of the secrets of staying in love is falling in love over and over. You can learn the same things about a person, but on deeper and deeper levels.”

Tips for Adding Romance to Your Marriage:

• Write a love letter and mail it to your home address.

• If you keep television and videos as a treat, it will probably buy you at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time.

• For a stay-at-home parent, the most romantic gesture might not be time together, but time alone. “Keep the kids and let her get out of the house and away from the kids,” said Claudia Arp.

• Surprise your mate. Some suggestions: Bring home flowers for no reason other than “I love you”; stick a love note in her lunch; “kidnap” him from work for an impromptu lunch date; leave a romantic message on the answering machine; make a tape of love songs to play during the commute.

• If you have teens, plan Saturday-morning dates when they sleep in.

• Keep your bedroom private. Don’t make it the family gathering spot or a part-time office. Add a lock and use it.

• Schedule romantic activities. “If you wait for spontaneity, you’re going to wait a long time if you’ve got kids,” said Claudia Arp. A set time gives parents something to look forward to.

• Make sure children go to bed at a decent hour so you have time together alone.

• A date doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie. “A date can be anything where you can concentrate on each other,” said Claudia Arp.

• Some free-date ideas: Go for a hike or bike ride; garden or cook together; share a hobby; look at the stars after kids are in bed.

• Share an activity. When parents are queried about what they crave in their relationship, women say they miss conversation and men say they regret not doing things together, said Leslie Parrot. But that can be a win-win situation: Women often find that when they do something active with their husband, they chat the whole time so everyone is happy.

• If you can’t find a sitter, order take-out for a candlelit dinner or make a special dessert for an in-home date. Do it after children go to bed or enlist kids as servers.

The above article, “Don’t Be Too Pooped to Pucker” appeared in the Seattle Times and was written by Stephanie Dunnewind.

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