The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart:
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles” (Isaiah 40:31 KJV).
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:26-31).
The above article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the excellent book, “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation” published by Life Journey. As Linda writes about this book, “Broken Heart on Hold is meant to be a friend to walk beside you through the labyrinths of your confusion and pain. It is not a quick fix or a prescription for how to solve your problems. It is intended to be a daily companion in your crisis. It is not a book to be picked up and read through once and then set on the shelf. Rather, I suggest you read one selection each day and let the devotional thoughts sink into your heart and mind. Mull it over. Chew it up. Then the following day go on to the next.”
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at www.brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.” As she says, “From my Web site you can download full-color pages of whatever Scripture you choose and post it on your wall, mirror, or refrigerator so you can see it regularly and be encouraged. When our minds are spinning in different directions, being reminded of a Scripture can lead us to a more peaceful and healthy path.” Preview or Buy This Book Now.
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(USA) Hello, I wanted to thank you for this post. It gives a great deal of hope. Last week my wife told me she couldn’t "do this anymore" and that she doesn’t love me anymore because we are constantly fighting. She feels that I don’t love our daughter as much as she does and that she feels tired & exhausted from trying to make me happy and feeling like a failure over and over.
After talking things over, over a couple of days she told me that she does have a small hope that we might reconcile one day but she has no answer for that right now; that it will take time.
I ask any viewers for your prayers for my wife’s broken heart and that she may come back to the Lord and that this family (our 18 month old daughter) continue to be raised in God’s word. Thank you and Lord be with you all, Joshua
(USA) Josh, I just wanted you to know that Cindy and I will be praying for you, your wife, and your marriage. I also want to encourage you to access any resources on our web site that may help you through the healing process. One in particular you may want to look at is called 100 Ways to Love Your Wife Her Way. Please keep us posted on your progress.
(USA) Wow! This is exactly what I needed to lift my spirit this very moment. God is indeed a prayer answering God!
My husband and I are currently separated, and have been for a little over two weeks. I am trusting that God will redirect our steps back to each other, to rekindle that which we lost and rebuild our trust in each other. It is not easy to go through this and I’m not sure I can survive 3 years (if that’s what God wants for us), but I’m willing to fight till the very end.
We made vows to each other and I meant every word. There’s nothing too big for God to handle! Please pray with me! Pray that whatever lesson he’s trying to teach "us" that we will learn it in good faith, and may his name be lifted up in the process.
(USA) I found out on Christmas Day that my husband of 25 years had been having a 6 month affair with a woman at work. He wanted to leave… he believes he loves her and she is his "soul" mate.
Our sons, 17 and 20, didn’t react like he thought they would, so he stayed and we tried counseling. We were going separately and he never would move to the couples counseling because he was certain he knows what he wants. He left and has been gone 3 weeks.
He spoke to our sons yesterday for the first time and he has yet to speak to me. I am at a loss. We have had a Christian home and raised our sons as such and it is like he has broken every rule and expects us all to accept it. His excuse is that he has "been unhappy for 20 years" but he sure didn’t let me or anyone else know of his unhappiness and we have been the picture of the happy home.
I pray almost ceaselessly. I am willing to do anything to save this marriage. I believe in the vows and I believe that God does not intend for anyone to divorce. BUT he apparently does not feel the same way. If it were just sex, I think we would have a chance, but this feeling that he has that he "loves" her… I don’t know if we can overcome.
Please pray for me, my husband, our sons and even for this other woman who is supposed to be a "Christian woman." To top it all off, I stopped working when our oldest was born to be a stay at home mom, so here I am after 20 years of unemployment and approaching 50, looking at having to start a career.
I can honestly say I still love him and I would cross over any mountains necessary to heal our marriage but he has to want to as well. Again, please pray.
(US) You are in my prayers. My heart goes out to you. The point of living is to believe the best has yet to come.
(USA) Thank you for this article. My husband left me 8 weeks ago and has now made up his mind that he is getting a divorce. I have decided to put my faith in God’s word, not his word, and trust that God is working to restore our marriage even when my husband says his mind is made up and I should just accept it.
When we were still just dating many years ago, he broke up with me for four months and during that time I prayed to God every time I thought about it. God showed me that if I would just be in love with HIM more than I was with anyone else, it would make Him so happy. So I fell in love with God and then got to see my husband get saved and eventually marry me!
I know that God is reminding me that He has fixed us before, and he can and will do it again. I am giving my husband all the space and time he needs to "figure out what he wants", but am definitely taking the time to pray that God fixes this before it leads to a divorce!
(USA) My wife of 4 1/2 years left me just over 5 weeks ago. After 4 weeks I asked her if we could both work together on our marriage. Her response was "I don’t feel the same anymore, we have too much damage in our past" (arguing, financial, communication). I asked her we can get help, do you think we can save this? Her response "I don’t think so". So now we are looking at a divorce (I hate that word). I have not given up on her and have been praying hard for Gods intervention. We only talk thru texting as of now, and those are simple goodnights. But I tell you what, God is the only one who can mend us back together. I wish all of you good luck with your marriages. Casey
(USA) The problem with separation is the opening of doors that would otherwise not be accessible. I know, my wife left me mainly over issues with my stepson who was spoiled and difficult to discipline. Resentment developed and she left til he graduates, 3 yrs away. Because she was not clear and reassuring and we both failed to communicate, I determined to go my on way because, I thought it was really over, and was planning to go my on way.
Because we both did not communicate and reassure each other strongly, she very nearly fell into an affair before I decided in my case it was God’s will and her will for me to pursue her. All within merely 1 month. I can’t blame her, because if I had not really sought God and decided to pursue her , I would probably have done the same thing.
We are still apart but have recommitted our love to each other. I decided it was worth it to work within parameters that I did not agree with, and God is blessing both of us for it. We are learning other areas where we both failed. Learning to be careful of justification, and showing our love in ways and opportunities that we allowed to slip through our fingers when we were together. God Bless all your marriages. Also I found out sometimes it really helps to be broken so God can work a miracle in our lives.
(USA) I cheated on my wife with a former co-worker in addition to that my wife also found emails too. She says she has nothing left for me and that somehow she is doing me a favor by setting me free. She had given me one month to leave prior to agreeing to go to counseling but every day and night is brutal. The words are beyond harsh… things said that cut to the core and I choose to hold on because despite my serious lack of character and morals, I am aware that my issue stem from something deeper than just the sin of adultery. I need help.
I believe that despite what my wife says I am not a lost cause. If that were true then why did Jesus die for me? With that said divorce, is not a solution it’s a cop out. People have given up on me all of my life, that I never amount to much. I am no quitter. All have sinned and have fallen short. I am no exception to the rule, but still that is no excuse for the betrayal I caused.
She wants me to give up and something in me says no; she deserves better and I still believe that I am the man who can do that. God brought us together. HE makes no mistake; our marriage is no mistake. I ask that you keep us in prayer and that God will help her and speak to her in this time of difficulty. In addition I also ask that you pray for me that God will help me get to the root of my troubles and deliver me from the spirit of infidelity and everything tied into it. I ask that you pray God would give us both strength through a terrible time and when it said and done we will cling to the Father and remember that beyond and shadow of doubt we know we were meant to be together.
(USA) My husband left yesterday. I am hurt, confused and shocked. I want to fight divorce. It’s so weird to even think this. I love this man –this man with whom I found a spiritual partner and friend. I believe he still loves me. I admit, I have not respected this man whom God gave me. I mean to change that. I have already sought God through His word and the counsel of others.
How I do get my husband to listen to me? He does not want counseling. Should I go myself? Should we take time apart? A goal-oriented separation? He made this decision without me. I am not going to take this lying down.
Please pray. I don’t want to be desperate and I want to give God all the time He needs to work on both of us, all the time clinging to the Rock and not listening to the Enemy’s lies. Please pray for us.
(USA) I moved out of our home on Friday into an apartment. My husband has many many issues as a result of childhood trauma and his upbringing. I am relying on God to show me his path for our marriage. We have been married almost four years and dated for five years. I am 28 years old and feel lost and alone. I am going to continue to improve myself and work on personal growth. I am committed to finding happiness within myself. I cannot depend upon another person to bring me happiness.
I feel sad, angry and alone. I am just trying to get past each day and thanking God for getting me through each day. Blessings to all.
(CANADA) My Husband is leaving today for a 3 month trial separation. He is feeling empty inside and doesn’t seem to want to work on our 17 year marriage. Our kids 15, 13 and 12 are confused and hurt. The counselor suggested this as he feels it will help my husband. I just pray to God he works on our marriage and doesn’t think this is a free for all. I don’t know how much contact to have with him. I think I should let him be for the first couple of weeks and see where his mind is then. He is staying in our trailer at his mother’s farm. Hopefully she will get him to open up to God and God will lead him home to his family.
(USA) Wow! My husband told me to leave about 3 weeks ago and move back into my then vacant house that wasn’t selling. We went to a “Christian” counselor two times this spring; the second visit in April, the counselor said, “maybe you should just separate.” I think this is what my husband wanted to hear. He was and still is so very angry with me about everything.
Last Saturday was our 1 year anniversary. He told me that the last year was a “waste” of his time and life. Wow, again! I have been in nursing school for the past year of our marriage, drove 186 miles round trip each day, mothered our 4 children together (3 his, and 1 my biological); it has been a rough transition. But, I do not doubt for a second that God is not bigger than all of our circumstances of two houses, tight finances, raising four children, moving, where to go to church, etc. It has piled on so much stress that I have wanted to walk away several times. I did tell my husband many times, “this is just too hard, I think I should leave.” But, truly my heart has never been to end this marriage. This man has my heart; albeit, he now claims he threw my heart away.
He says that reconciliation is the right choice, but he is making no efforts to do anything toward reconciliation. He is turning his 3 children against me; that was very apparent last weekend when we saw each other for our 1 year anniversary. There was a lot of disrespect toward me and my son the whole weekend.
Now, I do see that I have to stay away, pray, and be sold out to Jesus. There is such a coldness from him that he doesn’t care what words he uses. My heart is just crushed and in pain. I believe that separation is wrong. There needs to be a mutual peace, a set time for prayer and fasting, and and agreement as in 1 Corinthians 7. The decision was made in the last 15 minutes of a counseling session as a “goal.” It went back and forth in his mind, and this is how it has ended up. I told him two weeks ago that I refuse to file for divorce. It is wrong.
(PHILIPPINES) For a long time now, I’m still afraid to find out that my husband is already comfortable with somebody. It’s a good thing that I came into this site. I believe that my husband loved me before he left three years and 4 months ago, but now I’m confused. We seem to be good friends now especially when it comes to our daughter, except that he does not want to talk about “us” anymore.
Upon reading the different situations above, I’ve realized the value of waiting. He is still wearing our wedding bond though he told me that there’s no way for our marriage to be restored. My heart is willing to wait until the end.
(PHILIPPINES) I was out of the country for nine months (and for almost 2 years earlier) to pursue my postgrad studies in the UK but returned to the Philippines last December to spend the holidays with my wife and kids. Several circumstances (backed up by hard evidences) led me to believe that my wife of nine years is having an affair with another man. Her own sister and a house companion confided in me what they know. I even received numerous anonymous text messages telling me that my wife is seeing another man every time she’s out of town (mostly during the weekends, when she would tell me she’s either visiting her parents who live in a far-flung village or she’s on an official travel).
I spoke to my wife many times on the matter (usually in a cordial and gentle manner although at times it became hostile and insulting because of how defensively mad she reacted). She angrily denied having an affair with someone. She reprimanded her sister and our house companion. She vented her anger on me, telling me on numerous occasions that it’s better off that we separate because we are always fighting and that both of us are no longer happy in each other’s company. We never spoke since then but communicated only thru text messages even when we were in the same house! We also slept in separate rooms. My kids would sleep with her.
I left the Philippines last month (with a heavy heart and unanswered questions) to return to my postgrad studies here in the UK and more importantly, to give my wife space and time to reflect on her own. Barely five days since my arrival in the UK, I learned that my wife and two children went out of town for one week. She informed her officemate that she’s taking our kids for a vacation to her parents’ place. But when I called her parents, I was told that she and my kids were not there. Her cellphone was turned off the whole week. When I finally contacted her, she insisted that they went to her parents until I told her that she was lying as I’ve already spoken to her parents. Feeling cornered, she angrily said they went to a “friend” for a vacation, but she refused to tell me who this “friend” is. Last week, I learned from my wife’s officemate that she and our kids went out of town “again” for one week. Her cellphone is turned off again so I couldn’t greet my kid on his birthday last Thursday. When it finally rang on the same day, she didn’t answer my call. After numerous re-dials, a strange thing happened: she has unknowingly pressed the receiver button of her cellphone so I heard her conversing with a “man” (who she called with a “term of endearment”) and with my kids. Later that day, she sent me a text message telling me she took the kids to a swimming pool-resort and that she is exhausted the whole day so she cannot answer my call. She then turned her cellphone off and never turned it on again.
I don’t know what went wrong with our marriage. I have been a very faithful husband to her all these years. I admit that I have shortcomings (because of being away from my wife and kids most of the times) but never did I attempt to even flirt with another woman even while I am here in the UK. I’ve always asked her that both of us should be open, sincere, and honest to each other so that love, trust, and faith will fluorish and lubricate our marriage. It’s really painful and unfair especially with the thought that my kids are being exposed to my wife’s “extra-marital liaisons”.
Please pray for me to go through all these. Although I am furiously mad at my wife, I also ask you to pray that she comes to her senses and realize the serious implications of what she has been doing. I don’t know if time will heal the wounds that she initiated or if time can still provide for a mechanism that will revive an obviously dying marriage. I’m really hurting right now.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband came home last week Tuesday night, saying that he loves me but he had enough. He says that our flame is out and he has been feeling like this for 1.5 years. I don’t understand because we did not really have that many fights. He has been working long hours and I was begging him to spend more time with me because I miss him so much (he has been working for about 2 months and had only 2 days off). The more everybody is standing in the gap for me the more it seems like he is just getting further and further away. He has taken some of his clothes and has left the rest. Now I’m sitting at home wondering/waiting when will he come back to take the rest. My nerves are shattered I’m feeling dead inside. I’m too scared to go home. There is just so much confusion that I just don’t know… Please help me pray that this will make sense soon.
(MALAYSIA) My husband and I have been married for almost 9 yrs. He’s a workaholic. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and leave him all by himself. He doesn’t pay much attention to me. What shall I do? I just can’t stand it anymore; I’m afraid that our marriage will be over soon… please pray for me.
(USA) An update from my May post – my husband and I are still separated and he says he is happier without me and he likes doing his own thing. I am hoping that this is still a phase as it has only been a month. He said if he had to make the decision to divorce today he would.
I am so grateful for this website, specifically this page on waiting on the Lord, I read it everyday. It brings me peace when I wake up crying and then I read this.
I pray that everyone on this board continues to trust in God and grow in our love for God.
(USA) After reading all of the posts, it gives me hope to believe that I have a chance to be one again. This is my second time being separated from my husband in a five years period. The first time it was out of blue that he told me he was not happy and he wanted to do his own thing. We separated for 2 months then get back together. I know I am going throw the same thing again. This time I feel like it’s over for good. I truly believe this man is my soul mate but we just cannot get it together.
I pray for my marriage everyday but knowing he has a girl friend who he spends his time and energy on just breaks my heart to millions of pieces. Everyone knew about her but me (kids, family, and friends). What do I do know since he is moving on with his life and showing her off to everyone? Should I still believe or let go?
(USA) June, Continue to have hope! I am separated 1.5 months now from husband and all the books I read and things I read on the Internet tell me to continue to have hope, trust in God and just be patient with God’s plans for us! Many of the books I read talk about couples who have boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s and with time the spouse who had the other relationship eventually will realize that they made the wrong choices and attempt to restore their marriage!
My husband does says he enjoys being alone and “doing this own thing”, I am doing my best to give him his space and focus on myself and work on the issues that I contributed to the marriage.
June, have faith in God, ask God for knowledge of his will for you and the power to carry that out. Janine
(ZIMBABWE) Thanks to my sister in law for sharing this site with me. It’s been 3 months since my husband left. He said he needed more of an independent mind on his own. He is staying in town and is still continuing in the affair that broke us apart.
I am trying to give him time to rethink about us but am realizing my heart is growing distant with time. I love him so much but I feel he is taking advantage of that. I am more tempted to start other relationships as I feel he is using our time apart to start a new life whilst I cry over him. He says he never stopped loving me but I don’t see his efforts. I have stopped trying to engage him in seeing our 5 year old boy as he gives excuses each time. I think he feels I am trying to win him back.
Please pray for me. I am only 26 and don’t see myself divorced. How much more time should I give him to reconcile our 5 year old marriage?
(USA) Hi Folly, I can sure appreciate why your heart is “growing distant” with all that your husband is doing that hurts you. It’s one way of emotionally guarding your heart from further pain. Also, when a loved one hurts us, we are so deeply grieved that we back away emotionally and physically because we’re devastated that someone we could trust so much would devalue us in such a manner. My heart cries for you.
I encourage you not to follow in your husband’s footsteps. He is married and he should know better and live better on so many levels. And even though he is living sinfully, please don’t allow yourself to break your vows as well. You are still married (even though you are separated at this time). Not only is it important not to date while you are married for integrity and spiritual issues, you have a young son who is watching his parents. He needs to see at least one of his parents doing that which is right. And he also needs you to be his hero in making the effort to keep things as simple as possible as he works through all that has happened. Even though he is 5, all of this is a bit much for him as well (even though he may not know how to voice this).
Also, even though I can understand why you may be drawn to starting “a new life” with someone who will treat you better than your husband, all that is going on in your life right now is still too new and too complicated. I encourage you to give God some “elbow room” concerning how He can work in your husband’s life and in yours and possibly even in your marriage (if your husband will listen).
Work with God on this to heal your emotions and stand tall in being a woman of strength who doesn’t run from one relationship into the next prematurely. Your husband isn’t showing integrity and moral strength to do what is right and prudent, but that doesn’t mean that you have to do the same.
Don’t bring another man into your life, even casually, at this point. I have no doubt that you are lonely and you desire to have fun with another man. But dating brings complications with it. ESPECIALLY for the sake of your son, please don’t cause him to have to work through making more grown up adjustments than he is already dealing with.
Pray about and seek other ways to heal and to put enjoyment into your life — both for your sake and your son. And as far as trying to get your husband to see your 5 year old son, I would keep making the attempts. It is never wrong to sacrifice your own comfort to help a son and father to grow closer to each other (unless your husband is acting sinful in front of your son). Don’t let your son know you are making the attempts. He doesn’t need to know that your husband is not doing the right thing by him. He just needs his father’s love.
Many times a man isn’t as relationally minded when it comes to building a growing relationship with his children. The wife is the one who is more in tune with the necessity of making this happen. Be a silent hero here. Even though your husband isn’t doing right by you or him, find respectful ways to nudge him forward to keep spending time with his son.
It would be good to nicely set down boundaries for this to happen, like asking your husband NOT to bring another woman around while he is spending time with him (he doesn’t need this complication in his life right now). Don’t make this a time to fight with your husband or use your son as a pawn in some way. Do this for the sake of your son.
As far as asking “how much more time” you should “give him to reconcile” your marriage, that isn’t a question I can answer. While 3 months must feel like an eternity to you to be severed in your marriage relationship, it’s still young in the span of time. I encourage you to work on your own issues and take your eyes off of your husband’s behavior right now. Pray and give God time and space to work. Don’t be so quick to set a time limit. The temptation is strong to do that, but right now it would be good to put your focus on building a good home for you and your son without putting your eyes upon the decision of dating or divorce right now. God will eventually show you if and when that would be appropriate.
Please know Folly, that many of us care and will be praying for you.
(KENYA) Awesome! Thank God for this new discovery (the website). Separation as bad as it is, is still with us. I’ve been separated for two years now and I’ve still not found a reason for divorcing. I’m lost. I don’t know how long God will take to remold us. We need your prayers. But all in all, be ecouraged Emmanuel! He has wounderfull plans for us.
(USA) Thank you very much for your comments…Once again I find that there may be hope. You are right that we all expect God to work magic & restore our marriages ASAP. But when you really sit down & think about it…there is alot of things that need to be worked out in both parties heads.
I think it does take a little longer for the man who has walked out of a relationship to really sit down & think about it. I know that is the case in my situation. My husband & I have been married for 15 years, when one day he said he didn’t love me any more & he was leaving. That now has been 5 weeks ago & I find myself asking how much time should I give him before I begin to move on with my life????
I know that he has not sat down & thought about the situation, because he doesn’t stay home long enough to do so. He told me that he is trying to stay away as much as possible, which tells me that he’s not ready to try to deal with anything yet. My head keeps telling me to give up & move on, but my heart tells to to wait. I pray several times a day that God will move so me & my husband in the way & that he will join us back together with a healthier & happier marriage.
I know that the devil has his grips on my husband & he has to be released before anything will change. Please pray that god will come into his life & help him focus on the imporant things! (Laura & Charles)
(GHANA) Please I am a single lady who has a problem. I used to have a relationship and we had issues. We broke up and after some time the guy came to ask for forgiveness I didn’t attend to him, not knowing he had moved on. I also thought I had moved on until I started praying and I started having dreams about him. God was showing me dreams about him. I confronted him and told him God wants us together but he told me he was seeing someone else who also broke up from an 11 year relationship and his boyfriend wants him back. I am confused because I feel fresh love for him, but he says he had moved on, but not yet married. What do I do?
(USA) Hi Tessy. What makes you think that these dreams are from God? I’ve had dreams in the past about old boyfriends, but I don’t think that means I’m supposed to leave my husband and go back to them (even if I was single, I still don’t think that necessarily means that at all). I believe dreams can sometimes come from God but they can also sometimes be other things that yank on our imagination while we sleep. Why do you think these dreams are particularly from God — ESPECIALLY since God didn’t tell this guy what He wanted as well?
I wouldn’t judge this because of “fresh love” for someone because “love” is a very fickle type of emotion. It goes beyond feeling. Feelings can fool you. Sometimes what we “feel” is love is actually a bio-chemical attraction for someone (and sometimes a fantasy we build up in our mind). If you were married, I would encourage you to work through the emotion (if you didn’t feel you had love for your spouse) until you did. Love is more than a verb… it’s also a noun — something you do (like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). But since you AREN’T married — that’s a different matter.
I recommend that you read an article titled “Is My Love For My Partner the Real Thing?” which is posted in the “Is He or She the One” section. And then read through the other articles we link to in that section. The article I want you to particularly pay attention to is the one titled “We’ve Got Chemistry” because it will explain more of what I’m trying to say here. Beware of emotions — they can trick you.
To be quite truthful, if God hasn’t clued this guy in on what you think He’s revealed to you, and he’s “moved on” emotionally, and you’re going through a time of confusion (knowing that the devil is the “author of confusion”), I wonder if God is truly the One who is giving you these dreams and your “fresh love”. I would question this.
Also, the part where you said “we had issues” also makes me wonder because those “issues” could also be instrumental in whether you and this guy should get back together or not. Sometimes a couple are fun dating partners for the short term, but they would make lousy partners for the long haul of marriage. You might be a better mate for someone else and he might be a better mate for someone else, or maybe one or the other of you wouldn’t be a good spouse for anyone. That’s just the way it is for one reason or another.
And if nothing else, if this guy has “moved on” and isn’t interested in getting back together — whether you have “fresh love” for him or not, it isn’t a good idea to try to persuade him to come back to you. If this is from God, HE will work. Don’t pull a “Sarah” (of Sarah and Abraham in the Bible) where you try to finagle the situation to turn out the way you think God ultimately plans for it to happen. God is perfectly capable of making things happen in the right way and the right timing, if He truly means for it to happen. Be careful — the enemy of our faith may be trying to get you to do something you shouldn’t. I’d pray more about this.
(CANADA) I don’t feel like this separation will help for us to get back together. I wish I could feel it but I’ve been working on accepting that he doesn’t love me (spouse’s love) anymore. He cares for me but there are so many things that bother him so much up to the point that he can’t deal with this anymore. He said: “When the flame of the candle was off, I tried talking to you but your efforts didn’t work. Nowadays, the candle is even gone.”
After so much trying on both sides and him feeling this way… How could I still feel hopeful? Many times he’s been clear about not feeling any sparkle for me. I’ve tried so many things, but I can’t try anymore without his participation. Where is the balance between accepting the separation as a last opportunity for him to see things in perspective, and me keeping my self-esteem at a normal level? Where is the balance between me wanting to be in a relationship where there is no love? Should I keep pushing it or just accept that he’s not here anymore?
I’ve worked on moving on. God knows why he’s put us here. He knows why and I totally accept it. The process is hard but I know He has a plan. I just don’t know when to stop begging for his attention or just accepting the fact that he’s not here with me anymore.
I know that my last resource is to pray. (It should have been always the first…) I can pray now, but how do I determine if I should still let him keep lowering my self-esteem by telling me things that don’t fit with his concept of wife-role? I can’t find peace on this one. I guess I just need to pray and wait. Thanks for the article
(PHILIPPINES) First of all I would like to thank our Father God for showing me this wonderful site, it is such a great help for me. I thank also the people behind this very uplifting site. You’re truly a blessing to us. I truly feel for all the lovely people who have continuously given hope and inspiration to walk with God in times of troubles and who are suffering in many painful situations that I am suffering right now.
My husband and I married 8 months ago and I feel that it will come to an end soon. We got to know each other over the internet and fell in love and got married. We’ve only stayed together 2 months as husband and wife within 8 months of marriage. We had a wonderful relationship but it went sour last Aug. I thought before he was attracted to just me, so everytime we had a little misunderstanding I used to say that he could do whatever he wanted to do with our relationship because I felt that he never loved me that much. But with my actions it showed that I didn’t want to lose him. He would email and text message me just to make-up.
Last July, he told me that he had signed-up on an internet networking site (I was a member of that site also but I switched it off before we got married as a sign of respect to my husband) and he enjoyed it a lot. He started to add a lot of friends (all of them ladies), but he told me that he never communicated with any of his ladies friends, just browsing their profile. I signed back on again with that site just to have an idea what he was doing in the site and he added me as a friend. I was hurt when I saw on his profile that it was written in his status as “complicated”, which before he was so proud to tell the world he’s married to me. I asked him “why?” his reason. He said, you are there and I am in here that makes it complicated. No words came out from my mouth even though he lied to me…
I held my tongue and controlled my feelings. I’ve dealt with his lack of attention with me. We’re communicating over the internet everyday but it seems like he’s not with me everytime… he’ll just say a word when he’s asked something about his friends on that site. He even deleted my comment how I love him so much and I am proud to have a husband like him. He posted comments on my page mostly naughty and porn comments (I deleted them and he got mad at me) while he gave his friends some sweet and dear comments. He said a lot of not-so-good to hear words to me about the first guy I friended there and about me looking for someone new (which it never crossed my mind).
I got tired of all of this and know that he gives much more importance to his friends than his wife. He even slept late and spent too much time on that site. He played poker in that site and is even not giving me a single mail, just to know if I am still alive or not. I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I know I should understand him and give him a little respect with his privacy but I don’t know if it is normal to feel hurt over what he’s been doing. I never said anything because I love him so much and never told him that I was jealous because he told me before jealousy means I do not trust him. I kept everything inside and it pains me a lot.
One day in Aug he stopped everything, I received a letter from the immigration that my petition was approved and we are about to be reunited but he’s not interested anymore with that. Before he was eager to finalize all the papers. His mom told me that he lacked finances and he has a lot of debts. I offered to him to shoulder all the bills but he never said anything, so I didn’t ask about it anymore though I miss him alot…
I tried to understand him but he’s continuously drifting away. He never communicates with me anymore, he never replies to my messages. I am the one who initiates communication and have even begged him to restart our relationship but he remains silent about it. I even asked him if he still loves me and he replied…as far as he knows. I’ve bent over backwards just to reach out to him but he’s still deaf and blinded with something… I don’t know what is happening with him. I am totally clueless.
3 days ago he emailed me, and told me that he has to leave for a week or so but he never said where he’s heading. I know I have the right to be informed because I am his wife but instead I told him “though it is my right to know but because I trust you I’ll just wish you a safe trip.” Now I feel it’s over. Maybe I am just waiting for his word that he has found someone new. I don’t know what will I do if ever I would hear that.
With this trial, as I seek answers to whatever is happening with me right now I draw near to God and I know He’s calling me to serve, listen and obey Him again for I have forgotten Him for a while. I do have faith in God but this trial with me is like I cannot carry the load anymore; it weakens me every time I think of what has happened. I’ve lost weight –half of my size before, I’ve had sleepless nights and even wake up crying. I never thought this would ever happen to my marriage. It’s young and it can easily be traded in for a new affair. I feel really devastated and hurt. I love my husband so much. I know God has a purpose in all of this. He never let us crossed paths just to feel the hurt and pain of separation but I feel hopeless sometimes.
As I’ve read through every page and passage of this site it gives me a lot of hope to wait and fight for my marriage, which helped me to TRUST in HIM with all my heart. It leads me onto the one direction to fight and to wait patiently in obedience. But sometimes, I feel really tired and want to get over this and move on. Some of my advisers and friends have told me I deserve to be happy and respected. I know now how it feels to be separated and it is really painful.
Please pray for me also…for strength to endure everything and let my unconditional love for my husband never fail… You are all in my prayers, I hope we will all receive the miracles we long and hope to receive. I found a family who understands me on this site, because I feel no one cares to listen to me anymore. Thank you so much and God bless!