The following article is written to women who are dealing with their husbands who have left them, but the same principles can also apply to men who are dealing with their wives who have left. We encourage you to pray, glean, and see what God could be saying to your heart:
“They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings as eagles” (Isaiah 40:31 KJV).
Because your emotions are so turbulent, you may think no happy answer to your situation is possible. Your thoughts may run the gamut from a fairy-tale ending to the worst possible outcome. When you find yourself in this state for very long,you may be tempted to do whatever will give a clean resolution. You may want closure, even if that means doing what you really don’t want to do. But making rash decisions may be something you will woefully regret later. Time may be your friend, if you let it.
When this disaster first swooped down upon me, my friend Toni Jo said something that shocked me at first. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Don’t be in a hurry,” she said. “Give him as much time as he needs. He’s confused and needs to figure himself out. Tell him to take a year if he needs to figure out what he wants.”
“A year!” I exclaimed. “A year?”
“What’s a year in a whole lifetime?” she asked. “If it takes a year for him to figure things out, and then you have thirty more happy years together after that, wouldn’t it be worth it?”
As it turned out, it took three years for my husband and me, not one. But yes, it was worth it.
Trusting God includes waiting on him to do whatever he is trying to do during this process. Because God does not force his loving work into our lives, making rash decisions can preclude God from accomplishing new dimensions of spiritual and emotional growth in you and your mate as well as others around you. We need to give God time.
Waiting is extremely hard when each day weighs us down with an eternity of suffering. But time has a way not only of healing but also of giving perspective. What may seem true to your mate today may look different to him tomorrow. Each new encounter between the two of you can set him or you off in a different relational direction, either positive or negative.
Many years of clutter may need to go through the filter before the gemstones of your life together can become clear. If your husband has separated from you, he may be trying not to even think about you now. He may be focusing only on what he can make sense of. And that probably is not you and your relationship. Most likely he is filling his mind with work and other interests that keep him aloof emotionally.
During moments of deep depression, when you really want to give up, pick up your Bible and let God speak to you. Listen to what he says to you at that particular time. He wants to strengthen you, and you need strong wings if you’re going to mount up on the wings like eagles. Wait on the Lord. Remember, he is able to do more than we could ever imagine. But sometimes it requires time.
“Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, ‘My way is hidden from the LORD, my cause is disregarded by my God?’
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:26-31).
The above article is written by Linda W. Rooks and comes from the excellent book, “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation” published by Life Journey. As Linda writes about this book, “Broken Heart on Hold is meant to be a friend to walk beside you through the labyrinths of your confusion and pain. It is not a quick fix or a prescription for how to solve your problems. It is intended to be a daily companion in your crisis. It is not a book to be picked up and read through once and then set on the shelf. Rather, I suggest you read one selection each day and let the devotional thoughts sink into your heart and mind. Mull it over. Chew it up. Then the following day go on to the next.”
You can also visit Linda’s Web site at www.brokenheartonhold.com where she has “individually formatted a number of Bible verses for your strength and encouragement.” As she says, “From my Web site you can download full-color pages of whatever Scripture you choose and post it on your wall, mirror, or refrigerator so you can see it regularly and be encouraged. When our minds are spinning in different directions, being reminded of a Scripture can lead us to a more peaceful and healthy path.” Preview or Buy This Book Now.
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(USA) I moved out of our home on Friday into an apartment. My husband has many many issues as a result of childhood trauma and his upbringing. I am relying on God to show me his path for our marriage. We have been married almost four years and dated for five years. I am 28 years old and feel lost and alone. I am going to continue to improve myself and work on personal growth. I am committed to finding happiness within myself. I cannot depend upon another person to bring me happiness.
I feel sad, angry and alone. I am just trying to get past each day and thanking God for getting me through each day. Blessings to all.
(CANADA) My Husband is leaving today for a 3 month trial separation. He is feeling empty inside and doesn’t seem to want to work on our 17 year marriage. Our kids 15, 13 and 12 are confused and hurt. The counselor suggested this as he feels it will help my husband. I just pray to God he works on our marriage and doesn’t think this is a free for all. I don’t know how much contact to have with him. I think I should let him be for the first couple of weeks and see where his mind is then. He is staying in our trailer at his mother’s farm. Hopefully she will get him to open up to God and God will lead him home to his family.
(USA) Wow! My husband told me to leave about 3 weeks ago and move back into my then vacant house that wasn’t selling. We went to a “Christian” counselor two times this spring; the second visit in April, the counselor said, “maybe you should just separate.” I think this is what my husband wanted to hear. He was and still is so very angry with me about everything.
Last Saturday was our 1 year anniversary. He told me that the last year was a “waste” of his time and life. Wow, again! I have been in nursing school for the past year of our marriage, drove 186 miles round trip each day, mothered our 4 children together (3 his, and 1 my biological); it has been a rough transition. But, I do not doubt for a second that God is not bigger than all of our circumstances of two houses, tight finances, raising four children, moving, where to go to church, etc. It has piled on so much stress that I have wanted to walk away several times. I did tell my husband many times, “this is just too hard, I think I should leave.” But, truly my heart has never been to end this marriage. This man has my heart; albeit, he now claims he threw my heart away.
He says that reconciliation is the right choice, but he is making no efforts to do anything toward reconciliation. He is turning his 3 children against me; that was very apparent last weekend when we saw each other for our 1 year anniversary. There was a lot of disrespect toward me and my son the whole weekend.
Now, I do see that I have to stay away, pray, and be sold out to Jesus. There is such a coldness from him that he doesn’t care what words he uses. My heart is just crushed and in pain. I believe that separation is wrong. There needs to be a mutual peace, a set time for prayer and fasting, and and agreement as in 1 Corinthians 7. The decision was made in the last 15 minutes of a counseling session as a “goal.” It went back and forth in his mind, and this is how it has ended up. I told him two weeks ago that I refuse to file for divorce. It is wrong.
(PHILIPPINES) For a long time now, I’m still afraid to find out that my husband is already comfortable with somebody. It’s a good thing that I came into this site. I believe that my husband loved me before he left three years and 4 months ago, but now I’m confused. We seem to be good friends now especially when it comes to our daughter, except that he does not want to talk about “us” anymore.
Upon reading the different situations above, I’ve realized the value of waiting. He is still wearing our wedding bond though he told me that there’s no way for our marriage to be restored. My heart is willing to wait until the end.
(PHILIPPINES) I was out of the country for nine months (and for almost 2 years earlier) to pursue my postgrad studies in the UK but returned to the Philippines last December to spend the holidays with my wife and kids. Several circumstances (backed up by hard evidences) led me to believe that my wife of nine years is having an affair with another man. Her own sister and a house companion confided in me what they know. I even received numerous anonymous text messages telling me that my wife is seeing another man every time she’s out of town (mostly during the weekends, when she would tell me she’s either visiting her parents who live in a far-flung village or she’s on an official travel).
I spoke to my wife many times on the matter (usually in a cordial and gentle manner although at times it became hostile and insulting because of how defensively mad she reacted). She angrily denied having an affair with someone. She reprimanded her sister and our house companion. She vented her anger on me, telling me on numerous occasions that it’s better off that we separate because we are always fighting and that both of us are no longer happy in each other’s company. We never spoke since then but communicated only thru text messages even when we were in the same house! We also slept in separate rooms. My kids would sleep with her.
I left the Philippines last month (with a heavy heart and unanswered questions) to return to my postgrad studies here in the UK and more importantly, to give my wife space and time to reflect on her own. Barely five days since my arrival in the UK, I learned that my wife and two children went out of town for one week. She informed her officemate that she’s taking our kids for a vacation to her parents’ place. But when I called her parents, I was told that she and my kids were not there. Her cellphone was turned off the whole week. When I finally contacted her, she insisted that they went to her parents until I told her that she was lying as I’ve already spoken to her parents. Feeling cornered, she angrily said they went to a “friend” for a vacation, but she refused to tell me who this “friend” is. Last week, I learned from my wife’s officemate that she and our kids went out of town “again” for one week. Her cellphone is turned off again so I couldn’t greet my kid on his birthday last Thursday. When it finally rang on the same day, she didn’t answer my call. After numerous re-dials, a strange thing happened: she has unknowingly pressed the receiver button of her cellphone so I heard her conversing with a “man” (who she called with a “term of endearment”) and with my kids. Later that day, she sent me a text message telling me she took the kids to a swimming pool-resort and that she is exhausted the whole day so she cannot answer my call. She then turned her cellphone off and never turned it on again.
I don’t know what went wrong with our marriage. I have been a very faithful husband to her all these years. I admit that I have shortcomings (because of being away from my wife and kids most of the times) but never did I attempt to even flirt with another woman even while I am here in the UK. I’ve always asked her that both of us should be open, sincere, and honest to each other so that love, trust, and faith will fluorish and lubricate our marriage. It’s really painful and unfair especially with the thought that my kids are being exposed to my wife’s “extra-marital liaisons”.
Please pray for me to go through all these. Although I am furiously mad at my wife, I also ask you to pray that she comes to her senses and realize the serious implications of what she has been doing. I don’t know if time will heal the wounds that she initiated or if time can still provide for a mechanism that will revive an obviously dying marriage. I’m really hurting right now.
(SOUTH AFRICA) My husband came home last week Tuesday night, saying that he loves me but he had enough. He says that our flame is out and he has been feeling like this for 1.5 years. I don’t understand because we did not really have that many fights. He has been working long hours and I was begging him to spend more time with me because I miss him so much (he has been working for about 2 months and had only 2 days off). The more everybody is standing in the gap for me the more it seems like he is just getting further and further away. He has taken some of his clothes and has left the rest. Now I’m sitting at home wondering/waiting when will he come back to take the rest. My nerves are shattered I’m feeling dead inside. I’m too scared to go home. There is just so much confusion that I just don’t know… Please help me pray that this will make sense soon.
(MALAYSIA) My husband and I have been married for almost 9 yrs. He’s a workaholic. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and leave him all by himself. He doesn’t pay much attention to me. What shall I do? I just can’t stand it anymore; I’m afraid that our marriage will be over soon… please pray for me.
(USA) An update from my May post – my husband and I are still separated and he says he is happier without me and he likes doing his own thing. I am hoping that this is still a phase as it has only been a month. He said if he had to make the decision to divorce today he would.
I am so grateful for this website, specifically this page on waiting on the Lord, I read it everyday. It brings me peace when I wake up crying and then I read this.
I pray that everyone on this board continues to trust in God and grow in our love for God.
(USA) After reading all of the posts, it gives me hope to believe that I have a chance to be one again. This is my second time being separated from my husband in a five years period. The first time it was out of blue that he told me he was not happy and he wanted to do his own thing. We separated for 2 months then get back together. I know I am going throw the same thing again. This time I feel like it’s over for good. I truly believe this man is my soul mate but we just cannot get it together.
I pray for my marriage everyday but knowing he has a girl friend who he spends his time and energy on just breaks my heart to millions of pieces. Everyone knew about her but me (kids, family, and friends). What do I do know since he is moving on with his life and showing her off to everyone? Should I still believe or let go?
(USA) June, Continue to have hope! I am separated 1.5 months now from husband and all the books I read and things I read on the Internet tell me to continue to have hope, trust in God and just be patient with God’s plans for us! Many of the books I read talk about couples who have boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s and with time the spouse who had the other relationship eventually will realize that they made the wrong choices and attempt to restore their marriage!
My husband does says he enjoys being alone and “doing this own thing”, I am doing my best to give him his space and focus on myself and work on the issues that I contributed to the marriage.
June, have faith in God, ask God for knowledge of his will for you and the power to carry that out. Janine