Your spouse may be there in your home physically (at least sometimes) but how about emotionally? Do you feel like you are on your own without a marital partner emotionally?
That’s NOT why you married the person who you once thought was the “love of your life.” But now you find that your spouse is closed off emotionally to you and you feel emotionally abandoned because he/she is uncommunicative.
The following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” …Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional—I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life?
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
That’s quite the challenge —one that our Wonderful Counselor can help you to work through. To help you on this mission we recommend that you read the following articles, for which we are supplying links to web sites where they are posted.
Please read them carefully and prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truths to you concerning your marriage. Then glean the information you can use and apply it to your situation.
From the Smalley Relationship Center, please click onto the link provided below to read the Question of the Week, which deals with:
• THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT HUSBAND/FATHER
From “Christianity Today” please click onto the following link:
• MY SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
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(CANADA) I HAVE LEARNED, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, OR TRY, MY SPOUSE IS THERE FOR HIM. I AM TIRED OF HIS WAYS, THE WAY HE TALKS, AND HOW HE ALWAYS DOES WHAT HE WANTS. I CAN NOT STAND THE THINGS HE DOES, LIKE GAMBLING, WASTING AND HIDING MONEY, LYING. HE TREATS ME HORRIBLE. IF IT WOULD NOT BE FOR THE CHILDREN, I WOULD HAVE LEFT HIM SO LONG AGO. MY ADVICE TO ANYONE IS LEAVE BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE, DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS EARLY, FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE, OTHERWISE THE EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY WILL ONLY GET WORSE, AND THE RESENTMENT WILL BE MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER THINK OF.
(USA) Can you talk more about this? It sounds similar to me.
(USA) I live with an emotionally distant spouse and it is heartbreaking – literally. We’ve been married 28 years and the emotional distance has been a gradual progression for the past 15 years. It is to the point that we are ‘like separated’ but living under the same roof. That is very difficult way to live, to say the least.
We spent the last 11 months in counseling. Doing so, was (generally) unfruitful. We quit counseling because my husband had had enough. He said he was tired of being told he was ‘in the wrong’ and tired of being told he needed to make changes. (The part he didn’t notice is: I too had admitted to my part in our problems, and I too had made huge changes. But he saw it as: all about him.)
My husband wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. He doesn’t like to be questioned or challenged. He is self-centered and self-absorbed, to say the least. His time is his time; his activities are his activities, and his life is centered around being productive. He defines himself by what he gets done. He works (at his job) 12 to 14 hours per day and is emotionally absent when he is home (infrequent). If I suggest a ‘different way or an alternative idea’ to any of his plans – no matter how kind I am in my words, he perceives me as trying to control him. (above list).
In our 11 months of counseling, the therapist made common suggestions for him: 1) to express appreciation for me, 2) give me a few minutes each day of his undivided attention, 3) take initiative to show me affection, 4) tell me he loves me and, 5) ‘date me’ on a weekly basis and be part of the date planning. My husband would initially agree to do so, but he never followed through. When I asked my husband why he would not comply with the therapist’s suggestions, my husband simply said “because it is like you have a set of standards for me to live by.”
Huh? Again, he views me as trying to control him – control how he treats me. I’m really not controlling, but he perceives me as controlling because I get in his way. A thorn in his side. If I have expectations – no matter how small – it impedes his freedom.
To date, my husband does not show me affection, does not express anything emotional to me (except frustration and anger), refuses to resolve the smallest of conflicts – even denying there is a conflict. If I gently try to express hurt or injustice, he says nothing at all – making my pain worse. He usually denies anything he has done wrong – with me or others. He is a master at making excuses. He is generally indifferent towards me – not caring about what I did in a day’s time, not interested in the things I say, and certainly has no desire to share anything about his life with me. He will ‘date me’ only if I plan something, and if he has time. He tolerates my showing him affection or appreciation. Yet, he generally acts as if he doesn’t like me at all – only tolerates me.
To the outside world, everything looks fine. But I assure you, he is so emotionally detached from me we are not even mutual friends.
Someone reading this would ask: Why do you stay with him? My answer is: because God doesn’t want me to leave him. It’s that simple. Do I really through away 28+ years that have not been all bad? Anyway, because God doesn’t want me to leave him, then I have to rely on God to do a work in this man. God is a master at restoration. I can only do what I know to be right in my relationship with my husband (unconditional love inspite of the debilitating rejection) and then I have to rely on God for the rest. How people get through this kind of trial without God is beyond me. God has taught me that my worth does not come from any man – not even from my husband. My worth comes from being HIS daughter. And one day, I will hear “well done good and faithful servant”.
I would love to read about other people in this same situation. Thanks for listening/reading.
(USA) Wow… this sounds so much like my marriage that I had to do a double take. My husband is the most heartless man I have ever met. My pain does not affect him in ANY way. He can flat out hurt me and cause me excruciating emotional pain and he could care less. He has left me twice already, only coming back because I begged him to, and now he’s at that point of leaving again. He hurts me so much and not even acknowledging that fact hurts me even more. It’s like he can beat me to a pulp emotionally and just walk away without a regret. We aren’t even friends. I wouldn’t even call him if I had to go to the hospital because I was hurt because I know he doesn’t care.
Living like this is excruciating and makes me just want to die sometimes. I have done EVERYTHING I know to make this marriage work – I have been fighting for 9 YEARS now and things are still bad. He’s the most selfish man I have ever known. All he thinks about is himself, and could care less how much pain this causes me. He has abandoned me so many times that I feel as though I am worthless half the time – like I can be tossed aside like an old rag.
I have been to many counsellors as well, and like you, my therapist gave great suggestions but my husband refused to try ANY of them because that would require him to swallow his pride and do something for ME.
I suffer from severe OCD, and a loving husband could help me SO much just by being supportive, but instead he chooses to make me worse and worse by deliberately doing the things I beg him NOT to do. Ignoring me, being the worst thing. I beg him to be supportive when I am sad and crying and he just walks away and shuts himself in his room.
I had a HORRIBLE panic attack a few days ago and needed his support and help, which he refused to give me. He walked off and left me there choking and gagging (I was crying so hard I started gagging) and didn’t even check on me at all the next day to see if I was okay. And since then, he hasn’t spoken to me or even acknowledged me and that was 3 days ago. I feel so alone that I just want to curl up and die most days. I have prayed for God’s help but it seems like I am destined to be alone in this life.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Lynn, Your story is so much like mine. My husband left me after 35 years of marriage for someone he met on “facebook”. He is at present working on a three year overseas contract which he signed without even discussing with me. He has now cut all ties and I have no means of contact with him. He does not reply to my e-mails and has changed his cell phone number.
My heart is breaking. I do not know what his plans are or even if the “other women” is with him. We had been to counseling and, like your husband, he refused to go back, as he was tired of being told he needed to change his ways. I had done everything I could possibly do to make this marriage work. I arranged weekend get-aways for us and also acknowledged that there were areas in my life that needed changing.
After the first month of him being overseas I offered to give up my job, find loving homes for our dogs and rent the house out so I could be with him. His reply was NO, NO – STAY WHERE YOU ARE. He told me it was just another move from me to control him. It is so hurtful you can not imagine the rejection I am feeling. When I asked him why he was doing this his reply was “I am doing just what I want to do”. Like your husband he has never admitted any wrong from his side, he shows no love or affection and thinks only of himself.
I have prayed to God to intervene in this situation. Like you, I pray everyday for a change of heart in my husband. I realise now that nothing I do can change the situation, that God is in control and I must trust him. You are right; my worth comes from no man but God himself. I refuse to divorce him but will carry on alone in life with God as my strength – I am moving on with or without my my husband at my side.
(USA) Geez Rose! My heart is broken FOR YOU. I have to admit I’m speechless over your experience. It would not surprise me that you may have just described my future – a very real possibility. Of course that is my worst human fear speaking. But I keep telling myself that fear is the absence of faith. You are right, however, there is nothing you can do but trust God for restoration. One thing you didn’t mention … how long has he been gone? Legally, in the USA that is, he has abandoned you, which entitles you to EVERYTHING he has left behind. I’m going to keep you my daily prayers, Rose. While I’m not encouraged by the current outcome of your story, at the same time, I am very encouraged by your quiet strength. Thank you for sharing your story.
(S. AFRICA) Dear Lynn, Thank you for your response. My husband moved out at the end of September 2008. This was after I had found out about his affair and one week after he refused to go to counseling anymore. It was to be a separation of 6 months as he needed “space” and time “alone” to think. It was during this time that the affair really took off with no one looking over his shoulder. He left for his overseas contract at the end of February 2009.
He has been gone now for nearly 3 months with no contact for the last month. I am busy seeking legal advice at the moment. Thank you for praying for me I will also remember you in my prayers. One bit of advice I can offer is that any separation should always be constructive with healing goals in mind. Ignoring each other during this period only drifts you further apart. Keep me posted. I feel your pain.
(USA) Wow I admire your spirit. You truly are a strong women, but no one deserves to be treated like that. I know a few people who stay in marriages because of religious reasons. Let go and let God. I am a husband and my marriage is failing. I have never cheated on my wife sexually but I have talked to other women. I never had the courage to take it to the next step.
It was not my intention or vision of my marriage to be like this. We don’t talk that much mainly because of our schedules. We grew apart. We both talked to other people, but we chose to stay together.
I have literally put forth a hundred percent effort, and she just blows me off. She says she wants the marriage but she puts forth a little effort in the relationship. I don’t feel comfortable in my own home anymore. I don’t know what to do. I love my wife and kids but I can’t get her to love me. I am at my wits end, and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like the man you were describing in your marriage. Help.
(S.AFRICA) Dear John, My heart bleeds for you. I know what it is like to love someone and receive no love in return. It cuts into your heart like a sharp knife. John all I can say is do not give up. There was a time in your lives that you loved each other deeply (after all you got married). There IS STILL that love somewhere in your wife’s heart although it may be just a small flame waiting either to be rekindled or snuffed out. While that flame is still burning act and pray. Pray to God to soften her heart and continue to show your love as you are doing.
I would like to strongly suggest that you arrange a weekend away (with no children) for you and your wife. This will give you time to talk to each other. Keep your conversations light and your love will shine through. Have you considered marriage counselling? Do not allow your problems to “build up” and eventually “blow up”. My prayers are with you. Keep in contact. I would love to hear from you.
(USA) John, I can relate to what you are saying and experiencing. May I share some personal advice to help take the pressure off of YOU? First of all, you cannot make someone love or like you. You can only control what YOU do and how YOU think. While at the same time – oddly enough – you can turn someone off. (I’m not suggesting that is what you are doing though.)
You did not mention if you rely on God in this trial. Rose’s advice is right on though … Only God can change hearts – that’s HIS line of work! (While we like to believe such things are within our control, that’s Satan’s deception.)
Yet, all we can do is take responsibility for our own behavior and attitudes. Ask God to change your wife’s heart toward you (every day) and then do everything possible to work in PARTNERSHIP with HIM – even when it feels so unfair and unbalanced.
Why do this if it seems to reap little or no results? Because you would be acting rightly despite of what is going on around you, in spite of how “people” respond. You can then look at yourself as a man of good, noble and honorable character, who does right even when others do wrong. God will see you this way as well. It is exactly how Jesus behaved toward us. So don’t focus on the results. You can’t control the results. Focus on your own behavior, knowing you may or may not reap results – at least not right away.
The results are out of your control. Also, just because you don’t see good results from your unconditional love – that does not mean good results are not there. You have to trust that God is working behind the scenes. Sometimes seeds are planted and it takes time for them to germinate and grow into something that can be seen.
Lastly, I must admit that I have to ask myself hard questions sometimes to keep myself on track. Am I acting a certain way IN ORDER TO GET certain results? Or am I acting a certain way because it is the right thing to do? The first way is self-centered, manipulative, and serves my need to feel in control. If I behave a certain way for the purpose of getting certain results, I’m setting myself up to feel out of control because I can’t control the results. I also have to fight a constant sense of entitlement. I deserve this; I’m entitled that. That too will set yourself up for more pain and anger.
Please don’t misunderstand, John. I’m not saying you are wrong to feel hurt, neglect or feel lonely. (Tell God about it without fail!) I’m just saying that you can improve your attitude about yourself, as a man, by focusing on what you can control – your behavior, your attitudes, and your motives that guide them. God Bless You.
(USA) My husband had an affair with a coworker. He says he has stopped it. He wants to stay married for the sake of the children (14 and 15 years old). He mentioned that when the kids leave, he may want a divorce.
I am having a terrible time dealing with this cold distant man. I have been to a counselor but I still feel despair.