Your spouse may be there in your home physically (at least sometimes) but how about emotionally? Do you feel like you are on your own without a marital partner emotionally?
That’s NOT why you married the person who you once thought was the “love of your life.” But now you find that your spouse is closed off emotionally to you and you feel emotionally abandoned because he/she is uncommunicative.
The following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” …Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional—I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life?
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
That’s quite the challenge —one that our Wonderful Counselor can help you to work through. To help you on this mission we recommend that you read the following articles, for which we are supplying links to web sites where they are posted.
Please read them carefully and prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truths to you concerning your marriage. Then glean the information you can use and apply it to your situation.
From the Smalley Relationship Center, please click onto the link provided below to read the Question of the Week, which deals with:
• THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT HUSBAND/FATHER
From “Christianity Today” please click onto the following link:
• MY SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
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(USA) I too went the counseling route again just like you to no avail, he wanted it to be all my fault and when he was told it wasn’t he wouldn’t go back. I did finally leave because I just could not take it anymore, and now of course, that is my fault too. I am accused of running away and not wanting to deal with my problems. I still go to the counselor and at least she reassures me that this really is not my fault. Stick with what you believe and you will be fine in the end.
(USA) I’ve been reading these postings from time to time, yet not commenting until now. I feel despair for all of you because I know exactly what each of you feels. I’ve been praying hard for my 28 year marriage and asking God to change my husband’s heart. I’ve tried to stay out of God’s way while he works in unseen ways. I have to believe He is working behind the scenes in ways I’ll never know about. I’ve seen unexplainable evidence of such. So on a positive note, I have to report that I’ve seen improvement in my marriage over the past couple of months. A softening on my husband’s part towards me. No, things are not perfect, and never will be. In fact, there is much room for more improvement, but it’s up to God to do it. None-the-less, there is improvement.
A few new attitudes I’ve adopted is: I’m not going to ‘chase after’ my husband. I’m not going to ‘beg’ for his attention in any way. Not that I ever literally ‘chased’ or ‘begged’ to begin with, but I’m not going to give him the perception that I’m doing this. If he wants to be around me, then he must seek me. I stopped initiating sex. I stopped scheduling ‘dates’. I stopped trying to force conversation. I stopped asking him about his weekend plans and made my own. I stopped sitting in a room where he channel surfs the TV as if no one else is in the room. I calmly gave him the option to ‘call it quits’ if that is what he wants to do. I’m not doing/saying any of these things out of anger or manipulation. I simply keep a smile on my face, act with dignity no matter what, and keep most negative thoughts to myself. I often say (in my heart) “YOU tell him God. He won’t listen to me.”
I see it more as if he wants to neglect me and our relationship, then it’s HIS loss. He will reap what he sows. Who am I to defy the literal law of reaping and sowing? Trying to defy such a law only causes me pain and grief and gives me doormat status. After all, God is the author of reaping and sowing. If I make a point to portray an attitude of confidence (even when he strips me of my dignity as his wife, partner and friend), it literally changes the playing field. It takes me off of the defensive and puts me on the offensive side. My husband sees this and yes, actually becomes concerned over it.
And one last important attitude I’ve adopted is: I REFUSE to take anything personal – even if it was meant to be. If he doesn’t come home when he says he’s going to, I’m not going to make it about me. It is about him and his inconsiderateness. If he ignores me while I’m talking, it’s not about me. It’s about him and his rudeness. If he says hurtful words, it’s not about me. It only attests to the condition of HIS heart. I’m not going to claim his faults as my own. I’m not going to allow the condition of his heart to infect mine.
But most importantly, I know God is working on my husband. I just got out of God’s way by adopting these attitudes. I’m not submitting to my husband so much as I am submitting to God by trusting him.
Along with constant prayer and guidance, these attitudes have helped our situation somewhat, I think. I’m sharing them here hoping that others might benefit.
(USA) Oh Lynn- You are living my same exact life. Why do we stay in relationships that are so neglectful? One reason… Jesus. I want so disparately to have a loving, caring, and respectful relationship with my husband of nearly 35 years, but we have drifted away from one another through the years. I agree with you that it is all about “control”. My husband is happy to sit on the sofa every night and watch useless, mindless, and time-wasting TV programs. How can someone waste 4 – 6 hours a day on such garbage? He never talks to me unless I initiate a conversation. He never touches me, let alone have sexual relations. It has been years…
I feel like my life is wasting away from a relationship standpoint. I am very successful in every area of my life, except of course, my marriage. I am sure that there have been times that I have “nagged”, especially when there is so much to do around the house and he is sitting there, watching TV while I am cooking, cleaning, and paying bills. We both work full-time so it isn’t like one of us is staying home to take care of the chores. Shouldn’t we both share in the responsibilities? Why does he allow himself time to “veg out” and I am working 24/7?
It is at the point now that if I even open my mouth to talk to him, he wants to “do battle”. He is always defensive and clearly does not like to be with me at all. He even moves out of the way if I walk by him… what is up with this? I ask myself over and over, “why” am I still in this relationship? And the answer always goes back to my relationship with Jesus. I feel like I would be letting HIM down. Will HE bless my faithfulness? I don’t know. Maybe not in this world, but perhaps the next.
For now, I do my own thing. I pretty much stay up in my bedroom and read, go shopping, engage in hobbies, or have lunch with friends or my grown children. I have so many great things in my life and God has blessed me. I guess you can’t have everything… or can you? All I know is that I love the Lord and I will resist temptation. I would do anything to have some loving contact though. Someone to touch me tenderly and love me. It is so sad…
(USA) Loretta, that last paragraph you wrote – I could have written that word for word (except I don’t have any children – grown or young). It IS such a sad life. A horribly lonely life. A miserable life. Do we not deserve more than this? I feel like God has abandoned me. How can he let us suffer so much when all we want is for our husbands to love us like they promised? I had no idea that other women went through this awful pain that I do. I thought my husband was the most heartless man in the world and I thought for sure that other men did not treat their wives like a disposable rag like he treats me. I am so sorry that you all must suffer this. It has literally crushed me to the ground and I don’t know how to get back up. I have lost so much faith in God that I don’t even feel comfortable praying anymore.
(USA) Hi Anna, I have come in and out of faith many times and realised that it’s more painfulful out of it and cannot imagine how I would ever make it without faith –not just in marriage but in many other things. What would I be, if the rain stops and the Lord stops watching over me because I have stopped praying?
Marriage life can be very hard and we reach a time when we want to give it up. Please don’t. Please read Galatians 6:9. I would encourage you to read the Bible and practice seeing things from God’s perspective of things.
I used to think my husband didn’t like talking to me very much. I decided to be patient and learn his language. I allowed him to open up in his own timing. Now I enjoy comfortable silences with him and I don’t even notice it anymore. He talks a lot during bedtime, I have now realised. We enjoy other ways of having fun apart from talking. It’s not that he doesn’t want to chit chat, he just can’t do it like us women.
As for the romance thing, I just initiate it and he responds well. I no longer care who does it first but I just appreciate that we are different and he has other things he is better at. Love covers over all wrongs and I practise endurance, hope and long-suffering during the hard times. We dedicate all we do as unto the Lord and not men, for God never dissapoints us. Colossians 3:23-24. This will not be in vain. Please hang in there.
(USA) Hello Lynn. After reading your situation I must ask you this question. Do you think you have put an unrealistic expectation on your husband? Let me explain. Sometimes “we” as people have expectations and “markers” to show or convince “us” that the other person is in love with “us” and when those unrealistic expectations aren’t meet we get offended and withdraw our love to the other person, then it’s all their fault why love isn’t felt.
How is it that you were attracted to him and now as the seasons change, people continue to stay the same? Can you imagine wearing a thick coat in winter that’s appropriate, but when spring and summer arrives you refuse to “change” coats and try to force the climate to adapt to your wants? That sounds silly I know, but unfortunately we all suffer from this dilemma.
Your husband is just that, “your husband.” I’m sure he accepts you just as you are, just like Jesus. Imagine if you had all these expectations for Jesus? Do you think he would still be married to you after 28 years?
Here is your quote: “A few new attitudes I’ve adopted is: I’m not going to ‘chase after’ my husband. I’m not going to ‘beg’ for his attention in any way. Not that I ever literally ‘chased’ or ‘begged’ to begin with, but I’m not going to give him the perception that I’m doing this. If he wants to be around me, then he must seek me. I stopped initiating sex. I stopped scheduling ‘dates’. I stopped trying to force conversation. I stopped asking him about his weekend plans and made my own. I stopped sitting in a room where he channel surfs the TV as if no one else is in the room. I calmly gave him the option to ‘call it quits’ if that is what he wants to do. I’m not doing/saying any of these things out of anger or manipulation” end quote.
After reading “your heart” I wouldn’t want you either. That’s terrible, and full of self deceit and masked anger. And yet while you were yet a sinner God chased after you and I’m pretty sure you’ve rejected him as well. I’m pretty confident you did not “surrender” yourself to him the first, second, third time and so on.
What I think is required is compassion like Christ towards your spouse, like Christ has compassion towards you. Don’t be soooo eager to wash your hands of any contribution to the troubles in your marriage,
I have just one wager for you. Lynn, simply ask your husband “what he requires from you to feel satisfied in marriage?” That is a scary question to ask your spouse cause they will probably tell you the truth and you will realize that there is no way you can live up to their expectations. Ask him “have I always been fair to you?”; “have I always shown respect? Ask him if you’re brave enough.
It’s easy to say “I feel God is with me in my assumptions” because we can control the one way conversation with God, but ask your spouse and if you’re ready for change, listen and accept all that he feels, it’s gonna be hard …
(USA) Thank you, Steve, for your sharing your perspective. It was a little harsh, I think – almost like you may not have read my previous postings. Still, I took introspective consideration into everything you said, and would like to answer your questions/response as honestly as I know how – and without offense.
No, I don’t think I’ve put unrealistic expections on my husband. In fact, as a protective mechanism now, I rarely expect anything from him anymore because he’s made it clear he is not going to live up to anyone’s expectations but his own. By me not expecting anything, he can’t dissapoint and hurt me. His neglectful ways say more about him than about me.
As far as your interpretation of “my heart”, you could not be farther from the truth. I love the Lord first and foremost and it is the reason I have decided “not to separate from my husband”. I’ve been walking closely with Jesus for almost 30 years. Leaving my husband because of “unmet needs” is not a godly reason to leave. God wants me to rely on HIM for my unmet needs. I do! I stumble sometimes, and I sometimes struggle with resentment and entitlement, but God consistently picks me back up and whispers to me words of encouragement.
I take it, Steve, that you find fault with me because you see me as not trying anymore. That is not true at all. Dinner is always ready whenever my husband decides to come home. (But who knows when that will be?) I keep a clean home, clean laundry, take care of the bills, maintain the lawn and landscaping, do big and small household projects, and deal with household issues (while expecting no help or appreciation from him at all). I often go to extra-curricular activities at church alone, but always ask if he wants to come with me. (These were ministries we used to do together, but he’s rarely interested anymore.) I greet him with a kiss when he comes home from work and ask him about his day (even though he doesn’t even notice, nor does he ask me about my day, nor does he have anything to share with me about his day). I try to tell him when I appreciate something he has done every single day (even though he doesn’t notice anything I have done on any given day). I compliment his appearance. (He says nothing about mine anymore; he doesn’t even look at me.) All of these things I do (and more) because God has expectations of me as a wife. I don’t do them for my husband; I do them “as to the Lord”.
I’ve been married long enough to know a marriage relationship naturally changes. And no, I do not believe my husband accepts me as I am. I’m not sure why you speculated such. You have no way of knowing this. I’ve spent several years ‘chasing after my husband’ in a relational way. He’s not interested in having a friendship/relationship with me. In fact, I don’t understand why he stays with me.
When a wife sits down next to her husband and cuddles up to him to watch whatever he is watching on TV, yet he literally recoils from her touch … well. Or when a wife is telling her husband something that happened during her day, and he walks out of the room while she is talking … well.
When our counselor told him “the single most important thing you can do for your relationship is to schedule time together” and my husband says “I don’t have time” … well.
When a wife takes her husband’s hand while walking, but he lets go and walks three feet behind her …. well. Or when a husband avoids coming to bed with his wife after doing so for 26 years … well. And the list goes on. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see he’s not interested. I’m not going to force myself on him.
I HAVE asked my husband “what can I do to make you fulfilled in our marriage”. In fact, our counselor asked him the same thing months later. Know what my husband said? “I don’t know”, he said shrugging with a tone of indignation. He was annoyed the question was even asked of him.
The counselor also asked him what he liked about me as a person. Know what he said? … Again with indignation “Um, geez … I don’t know.” “What would you like for dinner?” With annoyance, “I don’t care”. “Would you like to do something fun this weekend?” … “I guess… whatever.”
On a more intimate level – over the years … I could say something like “I don’t feel important to you”. He says nothing. “I would like to be a priority in your life”. He says nothing. “It hurt me when you stood me up.” He says nothing.
I would be more than happy to listen to my husband’s complaints, dreams, fantasies, whatever, but he doesn’t share feelings (other than frustration or anger) anymore. Not with me or anyone that I know of. I would hang onto every word he said to know something – anything – of his heart. The only thing he has passion for and unconditional devotion for is: his job. And he doesn’t discuss that with me either. In fact, he’s told me that “his job” is none of my business and his long hours are none of my business.
It’s impossible to invest emotion and compassion into someone who WANTS to be indifferent and detached. So you can find fault with me if that is your desire, and you can imply that I’m not “brave enough” to do my part. You are mislead, Steve. I’m about as brave as they come to stay in this loveless relationship and to do so “as to the Lord”.
(USA) Holy cow, Lynn! Did you marry my husband’s clone? Seriously… I didn’t think ANY other man was as “detached” and infuriating as my husband. My husband got asked those SAME questions in counselling and he had the same exact answer! When asked what I could do for him, he says “um… I don’t know”. And just about every other answer was “…I don’t know”. He sat there for like 10 minutes in silence trying to come up with ONE THING that he liked about me. Do you know how bad that makes a person feel? Well actually, yes, I guess you do.
He’s so uninterested in me or my feelings that he always walks out of the room when I am talking. Sometimes when I am crying and in TEARS trying to tell him how I feel, he starts doing chores and IGNORES me! I want to slap the living crap out of him sometimes due to his disrespect. Have you ever just wanted to beat your husband to a pulp because of the disrespect he shows you? It makes me want to kill something!
(USA) I strongly agree with most of Lynn’s principles i.e. letting God do the work without one putting unnecessary pressure on the situation. I believe continuously requesting a “talk” or going to a counselor may be considered a nuisance by the other person. Trying to change someone certainly doesn’t work. Maintaining a quiet spirit is the best thing one can do and the other spouse will surely be “won without a word”.
Changing yourself is the key and casting the rest of the burden unto God. The Bible itself says, “seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will be added unto you.” Once you start occupying yourself with spiritual matters, reading the Bible and hearing the promises of God apart from this world, naturally you forget about the problems you have. The Bible says the trials we face are nothing compared to what God has prepared for those who love him.
Whilst waiting for God’s help, we should be watchful for temptations to be moody, wanting revenge or sarcasm. This is one way the devil uses to outsmart us and before we know it we would have sparked a big fight. We should occupy our minds with good things and leave no room for the devil to come by. Another thing, our battle is not against flesh and blood but evil spirits. Therefore the only sensible thing is to pray for God to intervene and do the work in our spouses.
To win back your spouse, just let him/her be, don’t put any pressure, try to engage in the activities they like (if the situation allows), overlook any offense. This takes training, with time you get used to being quiet spirited and peaceful– your spouse will really notice this.
(USA) Lynn, forgive me if my reading of your situation is too simplistic, but, it sounds as if you and your husband have very different energy levels. Maybe he is a couch potato because he is tired. He doesn’t discuss work because he doesn’t want to worry you or because it would just prolong his tiring day. What if he expends so much energy trying to give you every economic benefit that he has no energy left for the emotional and intimate relationship you want? What if he sees that his inability to participate in your activities, while at the same time allowing you to continue them without him, is a loving gesture? Just asking…
(USA) Lynn, my heart goes for you. In fact, my name also Lynn and am in the same situation as you at this very minute. I put Julia as not to confused our postings. I am searching to do what is best for us now and am taking this long weekend off in my relatives house. Have been married for 10 years with a toddler now. It has been long 10 years where I almost 90% of the time sleeping by myself with constant heartache day and night wondering if he loves me.
I almost slipped into depression by his coldness to me the last few months. I know I am God’s child, am precious to Him, am special, and that God also does not want me to live an unwholesome life where I am unloved. A husband (Christian) should be like Christ who sacrifices himself for his wife, protects and provides for her.
I did everything like you Lynn. The house is clean, foods are ready, my kid is happy for him to come home, and he is rarely home. If he has time, he will go to his sports game. He almost left me when I was 4 months pregnant, for the woman that he has fantasized over and loved (as he said) for the last 20 yrs (since he was in 7th grade).
If God is not my strength and my hope, I will be not in this marriage any longer. We went to counseling but you know what, his heart was not there, I can tell just by his daily actions. So, these few days I came to this point to:
1. Take care of myself, find a job, get involved in other things.
2. Do not be always available for him, live your own life. for ex; always at home waiting for him when he comes home from work, preparing dinner..etc.
3. Make myself attractive (not in the meaning of looking for other man, no, no, no) so I can be confident of myself, exercise more, get in better shape, make up a bit, hairdo, put some perfumes, buy flowers for myself, buy nice outfits.
4. Live seperately for few months (no divorce at all, just clearing out and sorting out ourselves as individuals). If he wants me back and this marriage, he will have to work and fight for it. I will follow his lead, not the one who is driving the wheel any longer. Been driving the wheel for more than 10 years, truly exhausting.
As a woman, I have to know that I am special, precious, worthy of love, not to get lost in the unloving marriage, and becoming a bitter housewife. We have to have our own life too, our own circle of friends, jobs. I do not know what job I will find in this kind of economy, have not been working for so long. I guess I start from the bottom again.
I trust God will lead and provide. Frankly, I am still figuring it out as it goes… yep still figuring out… but at least I will do above pointers for the next few weeks… I have to learn not to seek approval from my husband. I have to learn to respect myself as God’s child. In turn, others like our husbands can respect us too. It is a process, a painful one as God is molding me to be more useful for His divine purpose.
(USA) Julia, I feel like you have pretty much described my situation as well. I have been the one fighting and “driving that wheel” as you say, also for over 9 YEARS now, and “truly exhausting” doesn’t even begin to describe it, as I also have severe OCD and interstitial cystitis and other health issues that exhaust me all on their own. Having a completely detached and cold-hearted husband is just the frosting on that cake. I feel like I have taken on the weight of the world and am about to buckle under the pressure and pain.
Your list is an inspiration to me. It hurts SOOOOOOO bad. All I really want to do is cry and cry and cry and just disappear into my depression, but I know that I have to be strong and not look to my husband for approval and self-worth. It’s hard. SO hard. Because THEY should be the ones who change. They are the ones who need to turn their life around. But we have to be the “bigger person” and make the changes ourself, and they don’t even acknowledge that when we do. They think we aren’t doing anything at all and usually think THEY are the ones who changed and did better. Every time things got better for my marriage in the past, my husband thought it was because of him. HA!!! He’s so blind that it’s laughable.
(USA) As a wife of over three years I found out early about this area classified as emotional abandonment. As a Christian I struggled to understand how God sees my situation. Personally I crave and even dream and desire an ending to what I don’t want, but more-so to what I don’t have. We have tried various counselors to help us both to see past the barriers of matrimony. I don’t consider myself to be without flaws or imperfections and through counseling have learned how to see and deal with my very own issues.
The frustration that exists when one party is willing, ready and able to work out issues in their marriage amidst the other who does not can be frustrating. I fight a constant battle as I strive to indulge my husband without any reciprocation in sight. My spouse is very crafty in finding excuses as to why counseling doesn’t work. Non-communication, assumptions, pre-conceived notions, unrealistic expectations and past relationships and hurts of yesterday have robbed the possibility of having a prosperous future in our marriage. There is not a week that goes by that I don’t feel as though I am the fool of all fools as I continue cater to my husbands needs with not even my basic needs being met. Don’t get me wrong my husband outside of me is fun, loving and can be quite generous. If he were abusive my decision to remain in this marriage would be a no-brainer.
I’ve cried, prayed, warred, travailed and at times tried various ways to improve our interaction only to find myself alone and yet married. To be single and lonely can’t even compare to a spouse who can live in the same house with their mate only not to have any interaction. A relationship that is up close and yet so far is almost tormenting. So where do we go from here? The answer and solution to this situation is a personal one. One must seek all resources available to decide how much they can bear and whether there is hope left to believe that restoration is possible. Whether hope comes in marriage or outside of marriage we still have HOPE.
(U.S./ IRAQ) I’m in Iraq and I have recently started to be the man I told my wife I will be. I started off with mental abuse to my wife and I also spent money like it was going out of style. I’m 19 yrs old and my wife is 21. We have been married a year and 2 months now and we have had a daughter. Back to the story… so time went on and I would be so stressed from work. I knew I could talk to my wife and I felt at the time if we got into an argument that I would be ok, just a simple “I don’t know” attitude.
I remember that I told her to get out of the car because she made me so angry. I just pulled over and the worst part she was 6 months pregnant. I really regret that and I always will. I also had made little jokes that were not so little to her. I did not understand at the time why she would be hurt but now I’m understanding, it was because she loves me and she wanted the good things I talk about not the bad things. I know now to leave the jokes for work; don’t bring them home.
For sometime now, I have carried on in a dissrespectful manner toward my wife. Before I left for iraq we had our daughter. I love her to death, but I did not show it. I would not wake up with her and help feed her and I really regret this too because if I don’t show this love for my daughter how can I show it to my wife, is what I recently figured out. I have been a horrible husband and I always thought my s— didn’t stink that I was the right one in the situation. I was a manipulative controlling husband and I am close to losing the one I truly love the most and care about. I would lose my beautiful little girl too; I don’t want this.
I’m still in the dog house. Now I have one bad problem, my wife does not message me and she does not answer my calls. She is not a cheater or anything, but I hurt her to the point to where she withdrawls her love from me. I am going to be a better husband and I tell her this everyday. I go on leave next week to see her after 3 months and the thing I’m worried about is if she is going to leave me at the airport. If she doesn’t and I go home with her, I plan to show her I am the best husband for her and I will never treat her wrong again. If anyone has any suggestions please comment.
P.S. If your husband isn’t the man you think he should be to you, send him to iraq for a few months and stand up to him on the phone and don’t back down. Be the one who makes the decisions. I promise he will crawl back to you if he truly loves you and he will be the next best thing in your eyes. You have to lose the best thing in your life to know what it’s like to understand that you love the one you lost. If it wasn’t for Iraq, I’m sure that my relationship with my wife would have ended sooner than later. She still doesn’t talk to me. But she does need a break from my crazyness, because I was at once a mixture of a good husband and the worst husband. But I am eliminating the worst to be the best… please help me if you can shed some light on my situation about how I should go to get my wife to talk to me again. I really want to show her the change.