Your spouse may be there in your home physically (at least sometimes) but how about emotionally? Do you feel like you are on your own without a marital partner emotionally?
That’s NOT why you married the person who you once thought was the “love of your life.” But now you find that your spouse is closed off emotionally to you and you feel emotionally abandoned because he/she is uncommunicative.
The following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” …Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional—I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life?
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
That’s quite the challenge —one that our Wonderful Counselor can help you to work through. To help you on this mission we recommend that you read the following articles, for which we are supplying links to web sites where they are posted.
Please read them carefully and prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truths to you concerning your marriage. Then glean the information you can use and apply it to your situation.
From the Smalley Relationship Center, please click onto the link provided below to read the Question of the Week, which deals with:
• THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT HUSBAND/FATHER
From “Christianity Today” please click onto the following link:
• MY SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
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(USA) Allen, I want to start by saying how grateful I am that you have come to the place where you understand the “jerk” you were (and the pain you caused) and now realize the changes you need to make to become the husband your wife has deserved (and longed for) all along.
This is a HUGE accomplishment for a guy your age. There are many (far too many) men much older than you that have still never come to realize they need to change (”grow up”) as well for the good of their wives, families and marriage.
Basically, you have come to the place where you understand that marriage isn’t about “me”, but about “us.” It sounds like you have made the conscious decision to put away your selfish wants and desires to love your wife sacrificially.
I won’t kid you, Allen, this won’t be easy. First, you have to win your wife’s heart back and then you have to live consistently over the long haul. It’s not that you have to be perfect, but you have to be committed for the long haul. It won’t take long for your wife to see if you “mean what you say” or if it’s just the “same old Allen.”
Fortunately, there is a lot of help available to you today to make (and sustain) the changes you want to make. One of the best places I can recommend for you to begin is by reading some articles by Jimmy Evans because his testimony is SO much like yours. He realized that he had NOT been the husband he should have been, and his wife distanced herself from him as a result. He had to humble himself and prove himself, but in the end, their marriage became better than he could ever have imagined.
If you go into our web site and just put his name in the search box in the upper right of the Home Page it will pull up a number of articles by him. The one you will especially relate to is called, “I Realized I Was Wrong and That I Was a Bad Husband.” I want you to read what we have posted by him because it will give you more insight into how close your testimony is to Jimmy’s. After reading that I suggest you go to Evans’ web site at MarriageToday.org for more material and also to write to him and ask if he can help you in this mission. He’s a great guy and I believe he will give you pointers in the ways you need it.
I wouldn’t wait because with you coming home on leave next week you want to be able to demonstrate to your wife that you are serious about changing and “actions speak louder than words.” If you still have a chance to restore this marriage, your wife will need to see that you are serious over a long period of time to trust that your actions match up with your words.
Cindy and I will be praying for you and your wife. I hope you’ll come back to the web site and keep us all posted. This is a huge community and there will be many who will be praying for you, Allen. Blessings!