Your spouse may be there in your home physically (at least sometimes) but how about emotionally? Do you feel like you are on your own without a marital partner emotionally?
That’s NOT why you married the person who you once thought was the “love of your life.” But now you find that your spouse is closed off emotionally to you and you feel emotionally abandoned because he/she is uncommunicative.
The following are a few insights and a few questions that might help you that Dr Gary Chapman brings out in his book, “Loving Solutions”:
There are many reasons why some spouses become uncommunicative. Their unwillingness to share verbally finds its root in what is going on inside of them. Often it is unmet needs in the marital relationship that have stimulated resentment in the spirit of the silent spouse. His silence is a way of expressing this resentment. It is his/her way of saying, “I don’t like you, so I will treat you as a non-person.”
I don’t mean that the silent partner is consciously thinking these thoughts; I mean these are the inner emotional reasons why he or she is not talking. If we can discover the emotions inside the person and the factors that give rise to these emotions, we are well on the way to helping the non-communicating spouse to break his/her silence.
The spouse who seeks to be a positive change agent would do well to ask this question: “Does my spouse have an unmet emotional need that may be causing him to resent me?” …Each of ourselves can ask ourselves the following:
- Does my spouse genuinely feel my unconditional love or has my love been conditional—I will love you if…
- Have I done anything to infringe upon my spouse’s freedom? Does he feel that I am trying to control his life?
- Has my speech or behavior struck at her efforts to gain significance? Does she see me as condemning something that she values as being significant?
- Does he see me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his need for recreation and relaxation?
- Is my spouse struggling with the spiritual dimension of life? Does she see me as interfering with her search for peace with God?
Anyone of these questions may uncover the source of your spouse’s silence. The challenge then is to find a way to help him or her meet that emotional need at the same time maintain your own integrity and get your own needs met.
That’s quite the challenge —one that our Wonderful Counselor can help you to work through. To help you on this mission we recommend that you read the following articles, for which we are supplying links to web sites where they are posted.
Please read them carefully and prayerfully, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal truths to you concerning your marriage. Then glean the information you can use and apply it to your situation.
From the Smalley Relationship Center, please click onto the link provided below to read the Question of the Week, which deals with:
• THE EMOTIONALLY DISTANT HUSBAND/FATHER
From “Christianity Today” please click onto the following link:
• MY SPOUSE IS EMOTIONALLY DISTANT
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(USA) Allen, I want to start by saying how grateful I am that you have come to the place where you understand the “jerk” you were (and the pain you caused) and now realize the changes you need to make to become the husband your wife has deserved (and longed for) all along.
This is a HUGE accomplishment for a guy your age. There are many (far too many) men much older than you that have still never come to realize they need to change (“grow up”) as well for the good of their wives, families and marriage.
Basically, you have come to the place where you understand that marriage isn’t about “me”, but about “us.” It sounds like you have made the conscious decision to put away your selfish wants and desires to love your wife sacrificially.
I won’t kid you, Allen, this won’t be easy. First, you have to win your wife’s heart back and then you have to live consistently over the long haul. It’s not that you have to be perfect, but you have to be committed for the long haul. It won’t take long for your wife to see if you “mean what you say” or if it’s just the “same old Allen.”
Fortunately, there is a lot of help available to you today to make (and sustain) the changes you want to make. One of the best places I can recommend for you to begin is by reading some articles by Jimmy Evans because his testimony is SO much like yours. He realized that he had NOT been the husband he should have been, and his wife distanced herself from him as a result. He had to humble himself and prove himself, but in the end, their marriage became better than he could ever have imagined.
If you go into our web site and just put his name in the search box in the upper right of the Home Page it will pull up a number of articles by him. The one you will especially relate to is called, “I Realized I Was Wrong and That I Was a Bad Husband.” I want you to read what we have posted by him because it will give you more insight into how close your testimony is to Jimmy’s. After reading that I suggest you go to Evans’ web site at MarriageToday.org for more material and also to write to him and ask if he can help you in this mission. He’s a great guy and I believe he will give you pointers in the ways you need it.
I wouldn’t wait because with you coming home on leave next week you want to be able to demonstrate to your wife that you are serious about changing and “actions speak louder than words.” If you still have a chance to restore this marriage, your wife will need to see that you are serious over a long period of time to trust that your actions match up with your words.
Cindy and I will be praying for you and your wife. I hope you’ll come back to the web site and keep us all posted. This is a huge community and there will be many who will be praying for you, Allen. Blessings!
(USA) I have been married for 37 yrs and my eyes are wide open now. I do not want to remain in my marriage at this point. My husband is so emotionally cold and distant, non-communicative and I really feel he hates my guts… 11 months ago I asked him to sleep upstairs as I could feel his emotional distance worsening in our bedroom and what this was doing to me… I was feeling physically ill sleeping next a man who rolled towards the wall with his back to me every single night WITH his arms folded in front of him! How much more closed off could he be?
I am a very outgoing woman that calls things as I see it… I benefited the most from the many marriage counselors we saw as his resentment towards me grew. I have to say he did make some efforts, but he just can’t sustain any real change. We are miserable together and I realize that even though we have a few things in common he is too emotionally wouded from his childhood to ever get on board with me at this point or even come close… He lies when he could just as easliy be honest, hides money, lacks in so many areas emotionally and I have lost all of my trust for him! My heart is cold and I am very unhappy. He tries to hide who he is, yet he is so transparent.
We both have talked divorce to each other and divorce attorney’s. He told me he hates lawyers and he will never agree to a divorce because he will have to give me 1/2! What an a hole! I have done most of the prep work and have the paper trail I need to get started… Sure I could make my own life under the same roof in our home for another year or so as suggested by my current counselor, however he is financially abusive as well and the economy has changed my income and I fear the worse. I have been told I could get nothing in a settlement from some of my friends. I cannot stand the sight of him anymore and I want to end the marraige. Even though he is not in agreement can I divorce without his consent in NJ? Thanks, Pat
(USA) Apparenty Pat, your husband is not the only one emotionally distant and abusive. You contemplate leaving your husband and you call him an “a hole” so I guess the two of you are made for one another. (Said tongue in cheek.)
But seriously, your complaints, while valid, lose their energy when you demonstrate that you are little different from what you complain about with respect to your husband. One who is emotionally close doesn’t create a paper trail and contemplate divorce. So since you are doing that, according to your own words, you are little different from your husband.
I’m sorry you find yourself in the circumstance. However, I respectfully ask you to examine yourself and see if you are not very similar to what you complain about in him. If it’s not right for him to be that way, then it’s even less so that you, knowing it’s not right, willfully choose to adopt those same behaviors.
You may not be turning your back in bed and folding your arms. But it easy to see that you are essentially doing the same by wishing you were away from him. Your complaints may be valid. He likely has the same valid complaints regarding you.
So are you going to choose a Godly solution, or choose to answer sin with sin?
(USA) I have every reason to believe my husband is cheating. This started when I searched the computer history and found women’s web addresses, hotel searches, mileage to and from work, and it is not looking right. He’s coming home late and never calling until I confront him. He has denied all the allegations. He calls it accusations. He swears saying get away from me you [expletive]. Give me privacy in the bathroom and the computer.
All this sounds very alarming to me. After this I told him he has to call from his work phone before he leaves work. He seems to hate that but to be honest I believe he can find a way of getting to the mystery woman one way or another. I do have her first name and cell phone because she called me and said it was the wrong #. But weeks later I had to go and get medication for his back and while I was gone he called that same # and she called back because I checked the caller ID where you dial a certain # and you find out who called.
I love him so much but I am living in hell pretending half of the time that things are ok. Right now he does not go anywhere alone when he is home with me. I control every move he makes. I think it’s wrong but I don’t trust him at all. He has been acting nicer but that only happens when I don’t talk about our situation.
Years ago I found sexual devices, porn magazines and videos too. He got mad then when I confronted him with it. He said you married me for who I am. Years later I got a call from a man that claimed that my husband was having relations with his girlfriend. He denied that. He was also sneaking out of the house 2 hrs earlier to go to work. I got suspicious and went to his work and he was not there. I confronted him and he said prove it.
I told him I had a witness then he said he was stalking his boss with the intent to kill him because he treated him like dirt. He said he would sit outside his house hoping to see him come out and he would slice his throat. He also knew where this man’s fitness club was and he could kill him there too. This story could be true and also the cheating. He did serve in Vietnam as a Marine so the killing skills are there. My heart is in constant agony. I don’t have the guts to let him go. I do love him so much!
(USA) Hi Maria, What a horrible place to be in, within your marriage, where you can’t trust the one you pledged your heart to on your wedding day. How I pray the Lord speaks to his heart!
I also pray for you and encourage you to do some soul searching. What you are dealing with is an integrity issue in your marriage. I’m not sure what brought this about, if your husband has always been deceptive or if it’s something that he’s given into in more recent years. But whatever the case, you will not save your marriage by holding on tighter and treating him like a jail-keeper or a parole officer.
I’m sure it’s not your intention to act like this, and from what you’ve written, I can understand why you could fall into this type of behavior, because your husband has not been showing you that he is trust-worthy and faithful to your marriage relationship. Still, by trying to grab at him more and MAKE him act trustworthy, you are just complicating the situation more — both for you and for him, and for your relationship.
You say your “heart is in constant agony”… I have no doubt. And from what I can perceive, things will only get worse if you keep doing what you have been doing, and allow him to do what he is doing — make your home and your heart a revolving door to come and go and do as he pleases in sneaky ways.
I encourage you to go into the “Save My Marriage” section and go into the Recommended Links and Resource part of it. If you haven’t already read the book, “Love Must Be Tough” then I would encourage you to read what it says about the book and then purchase it and read it. I believe you will learn some things that, while it will take “guts” to implement them, I can’t imagine that you have much of a choice, unless you want to keep going into the down-spiral of watching your marriage crumble and then crash around you.
As a former Marine, your husband understands the principles of “tough love” … he may respond to it if you give it as well. I’m not talking about being tougher in how YOU keep him accountable to you, but in loving him enough to expect him to live as a man of integrity, making him choose how he is going to live — with or without you being by his side.
As a former Marine, he understands about following through on that which he pledged by his honor to do… he needs to apply this to his marriage. I believe this book will help you to know how to approach him in a way that will give you the best chance of saving your marriage. If not, you won’t eventually have to “let him go”, he will escape.
I pray the Lord helps you to be strong in this and gives you insight, help and hope as you reach out to Him.
(USA) I’ve been reading a lot of the postings and pray that all spouses examine themselves before God in the name of Jesus. Most of these postings are from woman who feel they’ve been betrayed and how awful and cold and distant their husbands are. They might be that way and I don’t condone it, but there’s a cause and effect to every situation whether it’s right or wrong.
Women, first stop blaming your husbands for your failing marriage, obviously he thinks you’re at fault and may be feeling the exact way you’re feeling but won’t express it because most men don’t express their feelings, saved or unsaved. I do have to agree with Lynn on what she is doing by not divorcing her husband but I don’t agree with some of the principles that she uses. Remember God created woman from man and because of what Eve did to Adam, God said that man shall rule over woman. Not in a disrepectful way, but in a loving and caring way.
When the devil attacts a marriage he usually goes after the mind of the wife first. This is scriptual. In the Bible most of the great men’s downfall was satan using woman to bring them down. Nothing has changed today. God commanded for wives to respect your husband. Stay strong because how do you know if you may win him over for the Lord? Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church and gave himself for her.
God hates divorce and would want for you to try and reconcile your differences by yielding to the Holy Spirit. If the unbelieving spouse decides he/she does not want to live with you, let them go and you will be free and not be accused of adultry if married again; or if there is sexual immorality you may divorce.
We have to live by God’s word because even though the times have changed, His word hasn’t. These are the last days brothers and sisters and we have to utilize the power that Jesus said we would have when the Holy Spirit has come upon us. Do not try and be wise in your own eyes or try and help God out because He doesn’t need our help. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Seek the kingdom of God 1st and his righteousness and He will add all the things you desire to you. Jesus is Lord!
(CANADA) Before I came across this site I felt so alone in my situation, but I see a lot of the stories are so very similar.
I feel foolish because when my husband and I first began dating I already saw the signs that he was emotionally distant. I thought that over time he would open up to me but that hasn’t happened, it’s gotten so much worse. He completely shuts down as soon as there is any kind of confrontation between us. He doesn’t want to hear anything that he’s done wrong, he doesn’t want to work any of our problems out. No matter how gently and kindly I approach the conversation he goes mute. I never put all the blame on him I own up to my faults, but nothing works. I’ve begged him in tears telling him if this continues our marriage won’t make it. But still not a word comes out of his mouth. It’s heart breaking living this way he makes me feel like our marriage is not worth even talking about, that he doesn’t care if we’re together or not. I feel so alone, and I cry almost every night while he lays asleep beside me. I cry because I want so badly for us to be a family, I cry because I’ve tried so hard and despite of all my efforts my marriage is still failing. My parents divorced when I was a child, and I don’t want that for my daughter.
I don’t know what to do anymore…I’m naturally a very optimistic person, but things seem so far from changing for us, I no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every time he says he’s going to be different I actually believe him. So every time he lets me down, it hurt’s just as much if not more as the first time he let me down. I know that I’m supposed to walk away before this relationship ruins me, I already feel it stripping me of all the good things that make me, me. But I can’t…I can’t find the strength to let go, because I love him so much. But I can’t help but think if we divorced he wouldn’t really care. I get through each day by suppressing our reality, but it’s tearing me apart.
(USA) Hello. I could pour out my grief on here as you have. However, I digress to say that it is all too familiar. I too stay married at this point for the children. My wife is so distant that there is nothing at all outside of the occasional, “Hey I am going to go do this or that.” She spends most of her time filling her need to speak chatting on the net.
I have no advice. I am a minister, and I have given up everything, including ministry, to try to bring things back together. I do feel that our financial distress for several years has been a contributing factor, as she finds comfort in spending money. A while back she created her own checking account to which she deposits “her,” money. She is continually broke because she spends it on dumb stuff. Which keeps her continually frustrated.
There are no words to explain the depth of pain that comes from living with a spouse who is detached emotionally.
(USA) Scott, my situation is similar to yours. I had to re-dedicate my life back to Christ because bitterness was starting to settle in my heart. I actually for the first time in my life, gave all my worries to God. The financial situation and marriage situation hasn’t changed yet but I see light at the end of the tunnel. God gave me hope as I made him the center of my life as He should’ve been from the start.
My wife has back slidden so far that she doesn’t even want to hear the name Jesus. I can’t judge her or say that she doesn’t care but I know deep in my heart that God speaks to her about how much He loves her. I believe that our situation is spiritual because the Bible says that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but pricipalities and powers. satan wants to seperate us because he hates God and marriage. So his ultimate plan is to divide what God has put together so he can destroy us (A house divided against itself cannot stand).
I hope and pray that my wife can one day understand this before it’s too late. I’ll be praying for everyone on here and ask that you pray for us. Remember your spouse cannot get you into Heaven but can lead you to hell. Yield to the Holy Spirit and cast all your cares to God because He cares for you. Do what God told you to do and don’t concentrate so much on your situation. I know it hurts but it’s decision time. Live right for God and He’ll take care of the rest and if your spouse rejects Him, so be it. He gave all of us a free will!
(NIGERIA) My marriage is getting very uninteresting. I’m so full of resentment for my husband of 3 years cos he is getting so insensitive and very distant. I can’t even have a constructive discussion with him about the family, he attacks my personality at every given opportunity and talks down on me. I feel like I’m solely responsible for my kids. It’s so annoying and frustrating to have someone totally insensitive to your feelings. Yet he expects me to listen when he talks and agree with him on everything without even knowing how I feel about things.
Right now I have decided to totally snub him too, just so he sees how it feels to be ignored. My strategy may or may not work but I feel a sense of happiness and satisfaction right now. I don’t want to end up like most wives who have to keep taking —- all becos we are “women”… I believe it takes two to tango….”my husbands most detested slogan” and both parties have the responsibility of making the marriage work and it’s not only for the woman.
(UNITED STATES) Hi, My spouse is emotionally distant but wants to have sex or likes to be touchy feely all the time. But he has never been there for me nor supports me on anything. He always wants a debate on every decision or thought I have. He is always on the opposite side or he will lie and pretend he understands and then he turns on me.
This should let you know what I’m dealing with, when his mom lost her mom (she died). This was his grandmom. After the funeral, my husband’s mom was sitting on the bed still grieving of course. My spouse went to her and asked her, “What’s wrong with you, you act like you’ve done lost the world.” True story.
He is very argumentative. I told him that our son has ADHD and he said, “it’s his fault he has ADHD.” He doesn’t care about my feelings, thoughts, my fears, when I’m down. But he wants me to give him sex. He has thrown me under the bus many times behind his family.
Well, too much to say, I’ll be typing for months. I want out but I have a 1 year old, 2 year old, and an 8 year old. I don’t have my family to support me, so I feel stuck. I feel alone, hurt, abandoned, in his way. He doesn’t like me and I get on his nerves. He is also controlling. He does not talk to me but he loves to debate. We don’t agree on anything. He just shows anger but no other emotions. I hate being with him. This is just some of things. There are worse things and situations I have encountered with my spouse but I just can’t find the words to explain the lack of communication.