The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with the heart-break of what Emotional Infidelity can do to a marriage. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading their stories.
If God has given you a testimony which you could share with others, that may help them and encourage them somehow, we would love to hear from you— even if your testimony isn’t very long in length.
Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us” and then writing it out for us there.
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49 comments so far ↓
1 Jackie // Dec 23, 2007 at 7:30 pm
(USA) I’m so glad for the couple mentioned in the testimony ,"The Other Woman". The dynamics of how the husband became entangled in this affair are quite similar to what happened with my husband and a woman at church. Good for this husband, in that he came to his own senses quickly enough, and pulled out of it before it consumed him and destroyed his family.
My husband had an emotional affair with a woman who was giving him an ego boost, when I was preoccupied with and struggling with our children. Though it has been over a year since I learned of this LONG TERM romance, we are still in recovery mode and trying to get the marriage on better footing. This has rocked the foundation of my trust, and this marriage. It took me YEARS to convince my husband he was betraying his vows. For some reason, because this relationship unfolded in church my husband cleansed what was happening, in his mind. It took a few more years to get him to see additional communication with this woman was nurturing temptation.
I’m so glad to read this one couple has recovered from such a betrayal. I am also pleased to know they have recommitted to their marriage with a little support from their church.
2 Kyra // Jan 30, 2008 at 4:50 pm
(USA) I found out a year ago that my husband of 18 years was having an emotional affair with a much younger married co-worker. They would e-mail and talk during working hours and then he would even call her from our home on the company cell phone. I am devastated. Just to know that I wasn’t good enough, thin enough, pretty enough has broken my heart into pieces. 21 years ago, I lost my first husband to an accident, leaving me with an 11 month old son. I met and married my current husband and he has been the "dad" my son has ever know. I feel that the death of my first husband was easier to accept than this emotional affair because I knew he died loving me!
I am struggling so very much with forgiving him. I love him with all my broken heart and he says he wants to make our marriage work and that he loves me. I don’t understand how he can change his feelings so quickly. I don’t believe he is being honest with himself or me about his true feelings. I don’t know anymore. We have gone to marriage counseling and I am going to a private counselor as well. I resent the fact that he had the affair and I’m in counseling! Can someone help me try to move on and forgive him?
3 Tina // Mar 21, 2008 at 2:45 pm
(USA) Kyra, I know exactly how you feel about being angry because he’s the one that had the affair and you’re in counseling. I too, feel the same way about my husband’s emotional affair. Nine months into my marriage I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a women 10 years younger than I and that it had been going on for the past three months…three months…that meant that six months into our marriage he made a choice to get emotionally attached to another woman. He spent more time on the phone with her behind my back every single day in that three months than he had with me in the entire nine months of our marriage.
She too was married but was not getting the attention she needed from her husband. Apparently he was addicted to porn on the internet and their marriage was struggling tremendously. What went wrong, was I not beautiful enough, attentive enough, thin enough, young enough…had I made a mistake? I just didn’t get it! And the truth is I still don’t.
He assures me that he loves me and that there was nothing wrong with me …that it hadn’t happened not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. Another really big thing that makes me angry is that I find I’m the one apologizing when we argue, but I’m the one that was hurt by him…shouldn’t he be apologizing to me???
The truth is, men and women don’t see things the same way. My husband felt that when he apologized a year ago, and a time or two since then, that was all I needed. He assures me that his apology was heartfelt and I really believe that it was. But as a woman, what I need is for him to apologize to me again and again and again. He doesn’t see that. He has continued to do everything I have asked of him, to help me through this, and for that I am thankful, but finding a way to communicate the right message at the right time is important.
In our recovery, I am finding that the things I know in my head and my heart that what I need from him is most likely not what he is perceiving that I need. We are having to make a great effort in our communications to properly share our thoughts and feelings without tearing each other down. That’s a really, really difficult thing to do when you are so hurt and angry, but God can help! I am still not ready to forgive my husband even though I know that is the key to getting through this and healing our marriage. Easier said than done!
I have to pray constantly that God helps me to be wise in my words and that He helps my husband to really hear what I’m saying. I also pray that God helps me to focus on all the wonderful things my husband brings to our relationship and that He helps me to focus on those things, and not the weakness that my husband showed a year ago. One thing that’s helped me on this walk is knowing that I "can" forgive, because God has forgiven me. He "can" help us find our way to forgiveness. God Bless
4 Sue // Jun 10, 2008 at 12:47 pm
(USA) I am struggling with my pastor husband who has a very outgoing personality and has a "crush" on a lady in our church and really does not even realize it. He gets involved in her family problems with her parents, siblings, husband and children. He talks to me more about her than we talk about anything in our lives including the lives of our children or grandchildren. He does not like for me to talk about OUR problems (finances, etc) because he feels helpless to FIX them.
He’s doing everything he can - he is bi-vocational and works for commission on his secular job. The church is small and barely pays for our gas that he uses in the ministry. I stay depressed because we are not able to pay all of our bills, but he feels I am blaming him if I try to talk about it. Meanwhile, the other lady (the church secretary) can talk to him about all of her problems and does so freely. He calls her frequently regarding her problems or just to check on things going on.
He has something to say to her or about her in his sermons on Sundays and yet he really does not realize what he’s doing. He does not see that he has this "crush", for lack of a better word. Meanwhile I feel like an insecure, jealous wife for resenting all of this.
He does not keep the phone calls or the conversations secret. He goes out of his way to tell me about them and I am included on their family counseling sessions and she also talks to me about the problems. However, my husband just seems to be so preoccupied with her in his mind that it even comes out in his sermons, by subtle reverences to songs that speak to her heart during her struggles of losing her father to death, and her being a caretaker for her mother who is in a wheelchair, and the full plate she has had to endure and similar remarks.
I have to say he genuinely does have a huge compassionate heart for people, male and female. But it seems he attaches himself to certain women in the churches we’ve been in. We have gone to counseling, but he does not see the problem since there is nothing "sexual" or "inappropriate" happening. This is his extrovert type personality.
Are there any other pastors wives out there with this problem??
5 Nita // Jun 22, 2008 at 9:53 am
(USA) I found out in January of this year, after my husband left his email account open accidentally, that the "friend" he had been discussing civil war interest with, (that I did know of for a whole year), was actually a very “close friend.” There were tons of emails where they wrote each other, and then by accident I found a "reply" that he had drafted and saved, where he was telling her that she was his "dearest best friend, and he thought of her all the time, and not to worry about mine and his relationship being on the mend, that he would tell her if it was.
Wow, I didn’t know we were having a problem!! We had moved, at that time, and I had got depressed because of family problems and work problems, but he never let on that he was having problems with me!! I knew he became distant emotionally with me, and I couldn’t get him to converse with me about very much.
I found other emails where he was constantly reassuring her of what a great friend he was, etc., and also, he had always told me that they never talked on the phone accept twice at the start of the friendship, and that was for research, because he felt he would have been crossing a line. 2 months ago, something he said made me suspicious so I looked on an old phone bill from 1 year ago (when I felt they were most intense) and found where she had called him on the days he and I were off but I was off to help my invalid mother whom lives in another town. I was also out of town, on conference once, and she called him during that time late at night. He did reveal he was surprised that incoming calls showed up on wireless phones, and now he says he truly does not remember all those calls.
I am so hurt, and I love him, and this past 6 months have been devastating for us both. I truly feel like he was on a snow ball effect with her and didn’t even realize how it all looked. He says he didn’t want to hurt me or make me jealous in revealing how close they had got, and that there was nothing ever physical. Most times I believe him, but sometimes it all hits me again, especially how they arranged to talk to each other when I wasn’t around. He did lie to me about the calls, and several times during the year, when I asked if they were still emailing, he told me it had slowed down, but it really didn’t. How do I make this get out of my head?
6 Jody // Oct 16, 2008 at 12:45 pm
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My husband of 20 years has been having an emotional affair now for almost a year. He is in the construction trade and met a woman on the job who oversees the buildings projects finances.
Now that I look back at it, things make perfect sense, because I noticed things changing with him that I would maybe tie to a mid-life crisis. He lost a lot of weight, starting caring about what he wore, and would be almost tied to his cell phone. My husband has always hated having a cell phone on him.
He would little by little mention more about her here and there that eventually started to make warning bells go off in my head. Our conversations would always come around to her and how much he missed her because the job that he met her on eventually was completed and they stopped working together. They exchanged home contact info so he could not lose her. All this time, he would just insist that they were just friends and that was it… yet, he would get so depressed when she didn’t call and return emails back to him.
I must admit that I have read his emails to her and they are full of hints to calling him and getting together, going out to eat and so on.
After about six months in this crap, I confronted him on his true feelings about her and he would STILL insist they were just friends. But I asked him if he loved her and just liked her… and his mouth just dropped and he couldn’t answer… So, there it was… I knew.
It was that day that my heart stopped, and I lost a lot of feelings towards him. I haven’t tried to stopped him with his emotional affair… in fact, I’ve been pushing it. I figure that if he strays… I really don’t want him. So there is my story, sorry I don’t have answers.
7 Mo // Nov 7, 2008 at 1:51 pm
(US) Sadly, I identify with all of you gals… but you hit more of a nerve, Jody. That’s because I still have a great deal of unresolved anger, frustration and confusion and Jody, you are refreshingly blunt about not having any answers. I truly believe no one does - except God, and for most of us, those answers just don’t come fast enough or clear enough.
What I resent is that my husband, now in his late 50’s (I discovered the emotional affair had been going on at least 6 months when I caught wind of it - thru clues such as a phone machine message and e-mail). And now, as we are heading into our (supposedly) peaceful retirement years, he is behaving too much like a child for my short tolerance.
Listen - I too have known what it’s like to be caught up in a tempting emotional addiction to another person; thankfully, I was pulled to God’s love and stopped it short. I am trying to be patient with my husband but with so many looming things in our lives - work, properties to take care of, medical responsibilities, etc. - I find myself less and less patient with his nonsense.
He has told me that he is no longer involved in a relationship with this woman, but I’m afraid I just don’t believe him and now every time he’s on the phone or at the computer doing e-mails (he gets angry if I walk by when he’s there, saying I’m "stalking" him), I try to go and pray and ask God to stop him, forgive him, help me and give me wisdom to handle everything.
But like Jody, I mostly need to have Him give me back the loving feeling I used to have for him because I don’t know that I do any more. I honestly forgive him, but forgetting is another thing - especially when he’s still so defensive so much of the time and the emotional attachment we had seems… different. Just different, everything seems different. I try not to have it be that way but honestly I am caught between thoughts of spying to get more "proof", turning my head and turning to God instead - and just walking out.
I’m tried I guess; so many things going through my head. One of the worst things is that I don’t really have anyone I fully trust to talk with about it. He doesn’t want to do counseling (why should he, since he vows he’s not doing anything anymore) and I don’t want to go to just anyone… maybe if I found a good Christian counselor. Anyway - thanks all for listening. I’ll be praying for all of you as well.
8 Holly // Nov 16, 2008 at 2:22 pm
(USA) I have read all of your posts and I just want to say how sorry I am to all of you for what you are/have gone through. I know God is with us all and will help us through these tough times.
My husband had an emotional affair with a 16 year old girl. He is (was) a teacher and ended up getting caught. Right now, he is being charged with 5 counts of sexual battery. Although he never had sex with the girl, she went to the police and told them they did other stuff. On my own, when the school put him on paid leave to investigate this, I reviewed our cell phone records and found he had called this girl about 5 times a day for 3 months. Sometimes he would call her when I was putting our 3 kids to bed even.
Later he confessed he spent time with her taking her home from school, going to high school football games with her, her friends and the girls father. All the while, I’m at home with 3 kids taking care of them. I’m not sure why he did this to me. I thought I was everything that he wanted. I guess I wasn’t young enough or pretty enough for him. I should have known because he started talking about her a lot.
So now, I feel completely betrayed. I have asked God to help me forgive him and sometimes I think I have. Other times, like today, I am weak and tearful, wondering what is going to come of my life.
His court trial is coming up, a year later, and if the jury decided he had sex with her (and I don’t believe he did) then he will go to prison for 10 years. This leaves me with my 5 year old twins and 2 year old all alone. I don’t know what I will do for those 10 years. I don’t know if I should divorce him or what. It’s likely he will end up as a Tier 3 sex offender, only because he is a teacher, even though the girl claimed that the sex was consensual.
So for all of this, I am hurt and angry and beside myself. I’m only hoping God will not leave me and show me the way. I continue to pray for my husband and my marriage. I hope that one day I can get past this and trust again, but right now I can’t see past the pain and betrayal.
9 Mo // Nov 18, 2008 at 1:06 pm
(US) Holly - May I just say how very strong and courageous you are? I wish I had the words to take away all the pain and anxiety and sadness you must be going through; I don’t. Right now, I’m not sure even God does - I say right now, because I know that He will at some point, when you are at a place where the words could be better understood and could impact you better.
Just stay strong for your children’s sake - and your own - and others like me who consider you a hero, seriously. Please please hang in there. And try to be as emotionally detached as you can when you pray for your husband. I know that sounds odd, but the kind of prayer he needs is fervent, unemotional Agape love. Love that transcends all the horrible injustices and goes right to the heart of what the Lord asks of us, sometimes inexplicably. He asks that you pray for someone who, right now, you could very well consider an enemy and the Lord wouldn’t fault you for it. But He asks you to pray for him ANYWAY. So, keep trying.
What you will find is that the prayers strangely help YOU. They lift you up to a higher plane of love - not based on feelings but on the unshakable mercy of God. Please please write again and let us know how you are. Love, Mo
10 Lisa // Nov 19, 2008 at 11:36 am
(UK) My husband started a new job about six months ago. At the time we were not long giving our marriage a second chance after we had been through a really rough patch for two years. During the two years we had officially split up and decided to live separate lives. When we realised that we had come to a turning point we started from scratch, leaving the past behind us and even buying new wedding rings to make a point of how committed we both were.
Everything was going so well. We were as I thought a happy family again… our son and the two of us… being happy and getting on like a house on fire. Also the physical side could not have been better. We enjoyed being together again. Ha…silly me!!!
Anyway, a few weeks ago my husband picked my son and me up from the airport after we had been to see the in-laws in Germany. I was soooo looking forward to seeing my husband again that it hurt (if that isn’t a sign that love was in the air… well, at least from my side)??? When he approached us at the airport his body language spoke for himself. No words were needed, I knew something was wrong. But I put it down to being stressed and tired. Still, this nagging little feeling just would not go away.
At home he was in a mood… started to argue over sweet little nothings… meaningless things that kept him on the defensive and therefore kept me away from him.
Then two weeks on, he turned on his mood swings again and after knowing him since the age of 15 I just knew there was more to this.
A day later I came home from work… I went to give him a kiss and he did not respond… busy doing the washing up and turning his back on me. There it was again… the feeling I had two weeks earlier at the airport.
I knew that he had an IM which everyone at work also uses… so I waited for him to leave the house and sat down with the laptop. I have to mention that my husband uses the same password for everything so my chances of getting into his IM were almost 100% and bingo there I was. I hated myself for having to sink so low… but if I really wanted to know what was going on I knew I had no other choice.
And then started looking at the messages… one name was constantly on the message board so I started with the first one they sent to each other. My stomach turned as I was reading how he would finally have his FREEDOM once his son and I were in Germany… which was only the beginning. She told him the Friday I was actually checking his messages that she would be having sex with herself and that his weekend would not be as exciting as hers.
He told her he was not sure about the sex himself as it was not Xmas yet. Then she replied that it would be Xmas for him in less than 4 weeks and that he could see it in with a bang. His reply was that he could not survive until then. She then told him that he should have sex with himself… have a sneaky one under the shower… go spoil himself. It just went on and on and on… and the words they used were not child-friendly. I felt sick and even now just having to repeat this, I feel like my stomach is upside down again.
I confronted him straight away when he got home. He was clearly shocked that I knew, and tried to tell me they were having a joke and friendship story. I him told him that my definition of friendship between co-workers was a very different one. Why did he make her believe he was desperate for sex? We were so close and now this? It really did come as a blow.
When did they cross the line? What were they talking about in their cigarette break? What did she know about me? How could he risk everything he had been wanting from me for something so dirty??? What kind of woman was she to talk like that to someone she worked with??? What… what… what… was he thinking??? These are all questions he could not answer!!!!!
He told me that he loved me and did not want to lose me. I believed him and told him to tell her that they had crossed the line… to let her think that he had actually told me about their messages and that we agreed that he should tell her to stop this form of communication and that it was very unprofessional. Not only was he lucky that his wife took it with a pinch of salt but also they could both lose their jobs over this meaningless silliness.
He said he had told her and that she agreed. But today I found another message on his IM and I feel like an idiot. So tell me, how do you stop an emotional affair??? Is it possible??? Or am I just a woman in love???
11 Louis // Nov 20, 2008 at 12:11 am
(USA) My wife and I have been married for 32 years and have 3 wonderful children, 27, 20, and a 13 yr. old still home. I’m 60 and she is 54. She had an entangled affair in 05 and 06 with an old high school boyfriend. She is a good woman and I believe her when she said there was no sex involved. I worked a lot and was not meeting her emotional needs, but the main reason she got involved was that I took her virginity before we were married and that was the gift she was saving for her husband. We were engaged in 2 weeks and married in another 2 months.
She has now said that she still is not sure after 32 years that I was the one. I found out in Nov 06 and it has been 3 years and still not sure which way to go. She has been buying calling cards, but says she has not been calling him. She has had divorce papers for over a year, but she says she is not sure what to do. Sex is better now even though I have E-D. But there is an operation that can solve that. Thank God.
I found a card in her purse with his address and number. She says she wants to try to be a normal family and we have had counseling, but the trust is not there and I’m having a hard time with that and she does not trust me for going into her purse, but she hacked into my email. So?
I have a chance to go to Oklahoma, for a hail storm. I’m in the roofing business and have a good team to run my business here, but I don’t know if I can really trust her. What a shame huh?
I have not heard her tell me she loves me in over a year and really 2 years. She says she is over him, but the calling cards and his phone number is on a card, but maybe it has been there for a while??? I just want to be able to trust her and we both fall in love again, but it hurts when you’re not sure you can trust her. A real bummer…
12 Holly // Dec 26, 2008 at 7:47 am
(US) MO- Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you know. I have been praying for my husband daily. Sometimes, I feel like God is listening and knows I can’t take anymore because we will get good news from the lawyer. Other days, it’s an endless battle to prove he did not have sex with this girl. I am trying my best with my kids and it’s hard.
When my husband goes out and isn’t home when he is supposed to be, I get upset and the kids don’t get the attention I know they need. Although that doesn’t happen very often, I feel guilty on the days it does. These kids so not deserve any of this.
Right now we have nothing because of his stupidity –no health insurance, no money really coming in (just odd jobs). The trial has been moved into January 09 now. It’s awful. Some people got their court subpoena’s on Christmas Eve and I am embarrassed because of that. I know people look at me different in our town also. I am trying so hard to forgive, but it’s so hard.
He says he is trying for me to forgive him and to be a better person. It’s a shame he didn’t think about all of this before he called her so many times and hurt me so badly. While going through the court evidence with his attorney, I found a date in question for him where he and I were out on a "date" and he was calling her AND her friend 6 times in an hour. While I was sitting right there thinking we were having a good time!! I hate that. I just wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him then, but now I am? Is it because he has nothing else?
I’m trying really hard, but a lot of me just wants to give up. Nothing is the same anymore and I’m not sure if it will ever be. The physical, emotional side just isn’t really there anymore no matter what he may say. I just don’t even know which way is up many days.
To all of you- I feel your pain and may God shine down on us all an bring us strength and better day.
13 lessonlearned // Feb 20, 2009 at 2:41 pm
(USA) My husband had an emotional affair with a woman at Church. We were friends with her and her family. It started with him doing work for the school and for her classroom (she’s a teacher). I found a cell phone he had hidden from me. Apparently he had been calling her on the phone.
One night I called his cell phone and he had a pretty mushy message for her. Told her how much he loved her etc… I confronted him with his cell phone message of course he couldn’t deny it. He wouldn’t tell me who it was, but after pulling teeth he told me he had sex with her and did use a condom. I told him I wanted a divorce (not his first affair).
He agreed, but after a couple of weeks he told me he had an affair of the heart. I guess that would be an emotional affair with her. He said they never kissed or had sex. He told me he would do anything to work it out with me. We have 2 young children together. Then about a month ago the Church hired him to be an employee of the Church, I expressed my extreme displeasure in this with my husband and the Pastor.
I’ve also told him he lied to me about nothing happening with this woman. He said he doesn’t remember saying he’d ever slept with her. I must have been hearing things HA! So now I go pick up my kids from school, she doesn’t say anything to me, I don’t know if she’s embarrassed to be tangled in this mess or what. I can’t tell you how badly I want to call her husband. But I don’t know If anything happened or not. I don’t foresee this marriage making it much longer. I can no longer trust him. His actions spoke to me loud and clear.
14 Sharon // Feb 23, 2009 at 11:01 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) We have been married for 24 years and have 3 children - 20, 19 & 16. My husband is in the construction business and only comes home once a month for a weekend. I recently learnt that he had an affair with a woman in another town.
He has since moved away from that town but is still in telephonic contact with her on a daily basis. When I asked him to stop phoning he said he would try but up until now he still phones. He says that he doesn’t love me and has no emotional feelings for me only physical feelings. He won’t commit to anything and when I ask what his intentions are the answer is always the same "I don’t know’.
He doesn’t want to discuss anything emotional -says it pushes him further away from me. We have limited telephonic contact with each other now as he wants space. He now has his own bank account rather than using the joint account we have always had and he now forwards most of his personal mail (including his cell telephone account) to his work address.
I still love him and am desperate for our marriage to work but he won’t come with me to counselling. Can anyone offer me some advice?
15 Lesson Learned // Feb 24, 2009 at 2:59 pm
(USA) Hi Sharon, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, I’ve been through it twice. The first time I was forgiving of his affair because our children. The second, more recently, happened during the summer of 08. I suspected it and finally got my answer when he left a mushy I love you sooo much message on his secret cell phone that I discovered.
Of course he couldn’t deny it. He said nothing happened with her, it was just an emotional affair. The bad thing about it is she is a teacher at my kids school. I honestly don’t know if anything physical happened or not. But when you lose that trust it’s harder to forgive. And of course you always will wonder if he will stray again.
I loved him and was desperate for my marriage too. And things were good until this. Now I feel nothing. He still lives here. I try to still care for him, but I know it is a matter of time when my ticker will set off and we’ll divorce. Frankly I don’t much care anymore. I know there are good men out there who value marriage and family. I wish you the best, keep writing if you want to talk some more… it helps.
16 Sharon // Feb 25, 2009 at 11:35 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned. Thank you so much for your letter. My husband is arriving ‘home’ on Friday and I have been advised (by a psychologist and psychiatrist) to give him an ultimatum - either go to counseling together or divorce. I am so afraid he might choose divorce. I keep on thinking that if he wants a divorce to be with her, why has he taken so long about it? If I hadn’t found those messages on his phone I would still be living my normal life without even knowing. I feel as if my whole world is upside down.
When I asked him if he had slept with her he said only once and she decided to be only friends. But so many lies have been told, I just don’t know what to believe. I have asked him four times on different occasions and he keeps saying once. I want to believe him but it is so difficult. I know we haven’t had the most wonderful of marriages but I didn’t think it was that bad.
I keep on hoping it might be mid life crisis (he is 49). At the time it all happened he had been promoted at work, is working with a lot of younger men, and also my nephew, who was working with him, was killed in a car accident. He took his death very hard. Maybe I am looking for excuses - I don’t know anymore but I think I need to give him that ultimatum- as hard as it might be - so that I can get on with my life.
Thank you for ‘listening’. I really appreciate your kindness. Keep well and I will let you know how my ultimatum goes!
17 Lesson Learned // Feb 25, 2009 at 2:17 pm
(USA) Hi Sharon, an ultimatum may work. I tried that on my husband. I thought he had stopped seeing her but I found out through our phone bill a month later he hadn’t… that was his first affair. When I told him I’d had enough, he then changed his tune… but it happened again. So I don’t know what to tell you… I know what your feeling. I can only recommend you get a job if you’re a stay at home Mom. Just to prepare yourself.
I had quit my job to be home with my kids. I guess he didn’t like that idea much, so he tries to twist the situation around to make it look like it’s my fault. Granted, I’m sure I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I never strayed. You’ve been married a long time. I can see where you’d want to work on it.
My husband is still begging me not to divorce him, but the feelings are no longer there or the trust. I’m 49 years old. Will he do this again when he thinks his life isn’t going perfect? I don’t have the time or energy to find out.
I didn’t think to ask you if you knew who she is or can you get her number from a cell phone bill? Confronting the problem with her or if she’s married, calling her husband, can bring it to an end pretty quick!
18 Sharon // Feb 26, 2009 at 10:14 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned. I do know who she is - have even spoken to her. He told me he met her at a pub but it turns out that she works in the site office, so more lies. When I spoke to her the first time she denied knowing him and the second time she told me that our problems had nothing to do with her and that I must sort myself out as there is nothing wrong in being friends with him. Friends who like each other very very much!! She was not very friendly?!
I was advised by a lawyer not to get a job at the moment as he could then use it against me if we divorce and not pay me any maintenance. The other problem is selling the property (we have to share all assets equally) as our younger daughter runs a swim school from home, so she will also lose her income. Our eldest daughter is okay as she works as a radiographer and our youngest is still in school so his education will be covered.
I have never been this scared and nervous before, I feel as if I am losing my mind. I am on anti depressants, anxiety pills and am suffering from panic attacks. I am taking so many pills that if you shake me I will rattle.
It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, I cannot thank you enough for your kindness. Will let you know what happens. Love, Sharon
19 Lesson Learned // Feb 26, 2009 at 11:35 am
(USA) It just amazes me how little respect this woman has for marriage and family. Is this piece of work also married? If so, I’d be making a call to her husband. Better yet, if she is working on the site, talk to your husband’s supervisor and tell him of the hanky panky going on. Maybe he can put it to a halt or at least dull the excitement. I say what comes around goes around.
Get yourself together please, work on you and your kids. When he sees this change in you, it may spark in interest… but I wouldn’t give in so easily. Be tough. If he’s never seen that side of you. Men are so like little boy at times. The harder to get you are, the more they want it. That’s what I’m dealing with right now. My husband thinks I’m going to file any day now, he has been trying to win me over. But I told him things aren’t the same anymore.
Like you, I love my family but I am not willing to live this nightmare again. I decided to separate myself from my marriage for now. Maybe things will change, I don’t know. I am thinking of my kids first, then myself. I know in my heart he isn’t going to change unless God steps in.
20 Sharon // Mar 2, 2009 at 11:40 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned, Well my ultimatum didn’t go down too well - he doesn’t like people telling him what to do! Most of the time he just smiled or laughed. Maybe it was nerves; he said he didn’t expect that. The rest of the weekend went ok but I decided to ask about marriage counselling and he says he doesn’t think it will work- he is not even prepared to try so I asked him to leave and that I would start divorce proceedings. But after thinking about it if he wants the divorce he can do all the running around and spade work.
I have decided to take your advice and look after myself and my children but the only thing is I don’t know where to start looking for myself. I lost me somewhere along the way. I just don’t know who I am anymore (sorry a bit down today).
He took an earlier flight today and I also learned that she is in Johannesburg doing a course (that is where he is at the moment). How convenient for them!
She is a divorced woman of 51 - older than him. Maybe that is the attraction. When I asked why she is divorced she said she couldn’t wait to get out of such a terrible relationship. I only hope that what goes around comes around is true - they deserve it.
The hardest part is that I still want him and would do anything to get him to love me again.
21 Cindy Wright // Mar 2, 2009 at 6:32 pm
(USA) Hi Sharon, How horribly sad it is that your husband is so caught up in himself that he can’t do what is right and invest his time in his own family rather than going after a woman who has already shown that she dumps “terrible” relationships. I cry for you that he is so blind, insensitive, and lacks the integrity of being a promise keeper.
I have to say that after my own Dad left my mom and us 4 kids to chase after another woman when I was a teenager, my mom didn’t file for divorce. She decided to let him file and follow through to the end with his dirty work. It actually worked out for the better. He eventually woke up to who she was and what he left and came back begging to reconcile. After a while, they eventually reconciled and eventually came to relationship in Christ and were very happy in their renewed marriage for many years before my mom died. I’m not saying this will happen to you… but you never know.
As for “looking for yourself”… I’m so sorry that you have come to the place where you feel you have lost yourself. That is so very sad. But God knows who you are and who He created you to be… someone of value and worth and someone He loves very much.
Seek yourself in Him. Learn from Him. A good place to start is on your knees praying, and calling out to Him… confessing how lost you feel. Don’t hold anything back. And then open your Bible to the Psalms and pray through them, confessing and praying and asking for wisdom as to who you are and what He can reveal to you about the direction of your life. The book of Proverbs is another good place to start. There are 31 chapters. You can pray and read and absorb a chapter a day as a good starting place. Envision yourself sitting at the feet of Christ and learning what He has to teach you.
We also have several good articles you can read and explore during this time. A few that come to mind are: “Talking Honestly with God” — found in the “Spiritual Matters” section. And then there is “New Year, New Confidence - Marriage Message #23″ found in the “Marriage Messages” section. In the same section is “How Big is Your God - Marriage Message #24″ and also “How God Uses Suffering - Marriage Message #280.” And then there is “Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are in Christ” — which you can find in the “Mental and Physical Health” section. And lastly, “Myths We Believe About Ourselves and Marriage” which you can find in the “Spiritual Matters” section.
From there, find a good Women’s Bible Study you can plug into. A great one would be Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free Bible Study” if you can find one in progress or one you can eventually participate in with some other ladies. It could be helpful to do this WITH at least one other lady. I’ve seen this to be a good way to study this.
As you journey through these scriptures and articles and studies, I have no doubt that God will work to help to reveal to you who you are. You are like all of us… you are a sinner, saved by grace. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life that will excite you as you lean into His love and embrace. I’m excited for you as you come to realize who you really are — not someone needy for a husband who rejects you, but someone confident, who offers so much to all who are around you.
Possibly along the way your husband will wake up to what a marvelous woman he had married. If so, then there are other things God can show you that pertain to marriage on our web site… if you can open your heart to reconciling at that point. If he doesn’t wake up… he has lost in a BIG way! There is no way that this woman can bring the integrity and pure love that you and your children can bring to him.
Sharon, I pray that the day comes where you hold your head up, realizing that you are a daughter of the King of Kings! You have so much to live for and embrace as God’s child! Please know that there are many of us who are praying for you and care about you!
22 Chris // Mar 2, 2009 at 8:59 pm
(USA) Hi All, I have been on the net searching for what the betrayed spouse goes through after an affair. I want to understand the hurt and pain that the adulterer puts their spouse through. You see, I had an affair on my wife of 17 years about 6 months ago. It lasted about 2 months, mostly Internet, but I flew to her state for a weekend, and we were physical. I did this even after my wife found out about the emails and believe me, I was downright poetic in them.
After I got back, we continued with emails and phone calls for a few weeks and I didn’t care about whether my wife was hurt or not and she saw many of them. I also told my wife that I didn’t love her and never did and many other hurtful things. We also have 2 lovely daughters whom we love very much and have always done everything as a family. There were certainly some problems in our marriage but before this, I (thought) I was a pretty good husband and father. I knew about God too, and I was pretty self righteous as well. How little I knew, and even more, my thoughts and actions did not match what I knew God desired.
I’ll try to explain how my situation unfolded to do what I did. At this point in time, I do not know why I did what I did anymore. A combination of things: my upbringing, a very strict mother, being very hurt by love in my teen years, masking that hurt with drugs and pornography, being selfish and living for pleasure, lack of character, low self esteem, not knowing how to really love and being afraid to love again, a lack of intimacy and passion in our marriage. Perhaps most of all, I am a sinner and the devil goes about seeking whom he may devour.
I thought I was in love with this other person but after some emails and a weekend together? What a idiot and a fool I was! This woman was the one who I was hurt over so many years ago. We never officially broke up, we had just stopped communicating. I really did love her all those years ago and our "breakup" caused me a lot of pain going into early adulthood. I had wondered about her from time to time over the years and one day I looked her up on the internet and emailed her.
My first email consisted of letting her know what I had been doing over the years and I explained the hurt I went through when we split. She emailed me back and told me about herself (she was also married and passion was missing from her marriage as well) and she left an opening for more communication that I could clearly see. So I emailed her back and very soon, we picked up where we had left off those many years ago.
Looking back, I am shocked at how quickly it developed. Looking back, I see how blind I was to think that this was really love. Sure there was passion, but that doesn’t translate into love and we didn’t even really know one another at all. Love consists of the ups and downs, the good and bad times, the stresses of work, kids, time spent and problems and sticking it out through them all. Then a soul tie is developed that is not easily broken.
After I got back from seeing her, I was ready to separate from my wife and went to one of our rentals and began to clean it up so I could move in. Very suddenly, I realized I could not do this. I loved my wife and I couldn’t do this to my kids. I was so convicted in my heart and knew I had done wrong. Even so, we continued emailing for another week. The other woman was also convicted and finally we both agreed to break it off. This was extremely hard, as we had developed an emotional attachment. I grieved over her for about a month.
I must say, the physical part of things wasn’t the main thing. Seeing her was okay, but for me, it was the pouring out of our hearts in the emails that had the most impact on me. And the fact that she told me only good things about myself, how great I was, and that she loved me. All ego boosters that I wanted to hear as my wife and I didn’t build one another up nearly as much as we should have.
I am now free of her, and we haven’t had any contact for about 6 months. I am also free of wondering about her and how things might have turned out between us. She wasn’t the one I really love and also, I know that it isn’t God’s will that we should be together. We are both already married, married in God’s eyes until the death of our spouses.
I realized how very much I love my wife and my family. They mean more to me than my own life. I wanted my them back and in my heart, I knew that I was committed to them and wouldn’t do this again. I believe this realization and conviction came from God.
My wife did not want me back. Nothing I said or did could make a difference. I tried so hard to explain, to apologize, to tell her how much I loved her, how wrong I was, to give us another chance. I begged her not to break up our family, at least for the kids sake. She was and isn’t ready. The guilt I felt (and still am going through) reduced me to a paralyzed man. I became severely depressed, began experiencing extreme anxiety and panic attacks, and fear. I lost 50 pounds in 4 months and could not sleep more than 3 hours a night.
My wife still lived in the house (until she could move out) and I had to watch her take off her wedding ring, start to go out every weekend to clubs, knowing she was making herself (or at least putting herself) available to others, telling me she doesn’t love me anymore, and that she has moved on. She showed no compassion or attraction for me whatsoever.
She moved out with the kids 3 weeks ago and I have little contact with her except to pick up the kids on the weekends. I have tried to understand how her feelings could change so quickly and easily. She seemed to get over things in about a month or she is a good actor. She seems happy though to be on her own, eager to meet others, partying and doesn’t appear to be skipping a beat. I was obviously a worse husband than I thought I was, notwithstanding the adultery.The shoe is now on the other foot.
I now know what it is like to be rejected, to feel like I’m not good enough, to be so very lonely in a empty house, and to cry tears of pain, sorrow and regret most every night. I’m losing my house because I can’t afford it on one income, our credit, which was excellent for the past 20 years will soon be shot. I lost most of the furniture, which makes this a lonely, empty house, our bank account, which we were saving for retirement has been divided, I now pay a good chunk of my paycheck for child support, ensuring living below what I have been used to. I don’t care that much about these things.
Most of all, my wife is gone and my kids are gone. There is now no time spent together as a family, no vacations together, they are missing a father most of the time, I am missing out on seeing them grow up and in time, they will forget about how it used to be and what it’s supposed to be like. I am missing out on precious time with them. I am missing out on companionship with my wife now and maybe in my old age, on hugs and kisses from her lips, with touching her and feeling her body, smelling her hair and calling her "honey, sweetie and doll face", to hear her say I love you. I lost everything near and dear to me. I am ruined and I regret the day I was born. To top it all off, I am to blame and I have to live with that everyday.
I am here to say for any prodigals who read this, read what happened to me and think very hard before you cheat on your spouse. The costs cannot be seen many times until the damage is done. The costs are so very great, so very great.
For those of you who are being betrayed by your spouse, I am so sorry for your hurt. I know it must be great. I say to you, fight for your marriage and your family. Think long and hard about divorce and giving up. Think about the costs for your kids, the things both you and they will miss out on, your grand kids and the legacy you will be leaving as an example. Many times, divorces seem to happen throughout generations.
Most of all, think about your eternal souls, especially for you cheaters. God says that adulterers and fornicators shall not see the kingdom of Heaven. His curses and wrath are on those who practice such things. God hates divorce. He hates family breakup. Forgive, so that your sins may be forgiven. Love never fails.
I have determined that I will remain faithful to my wife. I will not go looking for someone else or be remarried. I made vows to love, honor, cherish, in good and bad times, for richer or poorer, better or worse to God and to my wife. Do not think I am anything because I want to do these things. I was and am the worst of sinners. I owe my wife and children a debt that I cannot ever repay back. I can only lay down my life for them. I know that God has forgiven me for what I have done but I must show myself sincere by not doing this again. I, most of all, am not free to remarry. That would make me an adulterer all over again. Also, this is hard and impossible for me, to either be reconciled to my wife or be alone, but with God’s grace, I will do it. With the pain and loneliness, I struggle with feeling sorry for myself and thinking about filling that void with someone new in the future. I pray that I will not. It’s easier right now, because other women are so alien to me right now and my heart is for my wife.
I am standing for my wife, marriage and my family. I am praying and hoping against hope everyday that God will resurrect my dead marriage. From the beginning of this ordeal, I believe that is what God is calling me to do. Never have I sought Him so much as I am now. Trials will do that and maybe that is a reason God allows them. For those of you who love your husbands, pray, believe and fight for your marriages. I recommend a website called "rejoiceministries.org" This site has given me strength, hope and encouragement to keep standing for what I know in my heart to be right.
May God bless you all. Please pray for me, my marriage and my family. Nothing is impossible for God.
23 Sharon // Mar 3, 2009 at 10:34 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Cindy Wright. Thank you for your kind and inspirational words. Thank you for the wonderful advice. I have never prayed so hard in my life before but as yet I haven’t had any answers. I suppose one of the things I still have to learn is patience.
24 Sharon // Mar 3, 2009 at 10:37 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Chris. I wish my husband would read your letter but at the moment he is not interested in any advice or help. I wish you luck in healing your marriage.
25 lessonlearned // Mar 3, 2009 at 2:14 pm
(USA) Hi Chris, Give you wife some time to grieve and work through her anger. Believe me, there is a lot of anger there. I know if I didn’t have a 7 and 8 year old I might have hit the clubs too. God willing, in time she will forgive you… just be there for her. Don’t date even if she does. In time she will see you have a new heart.
26 lessonlearned // Mar 3, 2009 at 2:25 pm
(USA) Hi Sharon, Sorry things didn’t go well for you. What I meant about doing for you and your kids is to try to keep you chin up. I know everything seems hopeless now, but regardless of the outcome you need to take care of yourself and family to function.
Do you have any hobbies? Get out of the house, go shopping, get a makeover or join a health club. In my case I told my husband I wanted a divorce and of course he is falling all over himself for that not to happen. I care about him but don’t respect him as a husband. The more disinterested I am in him the more he wants the marriage to work. I just had to change my attitude. I’m not mean or disrespectful to him I’m just trying to better myself because it’s bad enough to feel like you’re not good enough or pretty enough.
27 Anne // Mar 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm
(CANADA) Hi everyone, Chris I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Glory to God because you see your mistakes. I wanted to suggest a book called I DO AGAIN by CHERYL & JEFF SCRUGGS. God saved their marriage after so many things had happened including an affair but God allowed both of them to feel some pain so that they lean on Him and learn things.
God uses our pain for good. I never used to understand that concept till I went through some marriage problems that showed me so much of what I did wrong and what God expected of me. God will see you through. I read somewhere that God never wastes a crisis. He’ll take your situation and turn it around. If it’s you and God, your marriage can be saved. It will take faith and a lot of PATIENCE.
You can read 1 Peter 5:6-10 and James 1:2-4, Hebrews 12:5-7; Isaiah 58:9-11 and the Psalms. Pray the Psalms too. Especially Psalms 23 and Psalms 121. I can go on and on but you get the point. God will see you through this. Ask Him for patience because He’ll work on you first, then He’ll get you’re wife’s attention.
Sharon, my prayers are with you and your husband. Hope this helps. God bless you all.
28 Chris // Mar 3, 2009 at 7:18 pm
(USA) Everyone, Thank you for your kindness. I used to be quite ashamed and prideful about revealing my sins and weaknesses and I am less so now. Almost everyone I have confessed my affair and sins to, have shown me so much compassion and understanding. I am humbled by your mercy, as many of you are being hurt right now, yet offer sympathy to one who has done the same thing.
I can’t speak for all of those who cheat on their spouses, but for me, it wasn’t about my wife not being good enough or pretty enough. It was about me, my lack of character, my selfishness, my disobedience to what I knew to be right, my ignorance and my blindness. It’s not your fault. All of us do things to hurt our spouses at times, but betraying, lying and breaking trust are at the top. Don’t feel badly about yourselves. That’s all it is - a feeling, but not the truth.
From my perspective, you are all noble, virtuous women and your spouses are blessed to have you. It is us, the cheaters and abusers, who don’t feel good about ourselves, and it plays out in hurting those who love us the most. God does bring us to our senses though, and He will eventually. We have no peace with what we do. Hopefully, when your spouse realizes what he has done, you will still be there for him or it will be his loss.
29 Sharon // Mar 4, 2009 at 10:38 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All. Thanks for the good wishes. I have decided to lie low for a while and give him some space and when I do contact him I am to keep it friendly and nonemotional. Hopefully this will help him see how serious I am about our relationship. I hope it works!!
30 lessonlearned // Mar 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm
(USA) Good luck to you Sharon. That is a good plan, to be unemotional. He’ll see you as a strong woman. That may be appealing to him. Wish you well.
31 lesson learned // Mar 5, 2009 at 12:09 pm
(USA) Hi all, Does anyone out there have any advice for me? My Husband had an emotional affair with a woman at Church who runs the Child Care. She avoids me like the plague. The Pastor at the Church has been silent about what’s going on, and yes I have spoken to him about the affair.
My problem is my kids love that school. My husband still goes to the Church and also works there part-time. (He just got a new job today, and will start in a month). But he does a lot of work for the Church. I don’t have a problem with that, I just don’t know how to deal with the other woman. Do I talk to her husband? I really don’t want to do that cause I don’t know if she had an emotional connection with my husband.
I haven’t been to Church since Christmas. I feel like if I did go it would be with negative intentions, which I don’t want. The sinner side of me wants to make myself present there to prove a point. Or make her sweat. I see her all the time when I pick up my kids. We no longer speak. I sense her silence is a form of guilt, or is that what I want to think?
I am disappointed the Pastor has not confronted her about this, to at least clear it up. After all she does conduct business in the Church. It seems as though the Church would rather turn their cheek than lose the money generated through her business, and of course all the work my husband has done for them. Any advice would be much appreciated.
32 Chris // Mar 5, 2009 at 10:59 pm
(USA) Hi lesson learned, Maybe talking to her yourself? (in love as best you can) Maybe tell her you forgive her and really try to do that. Having your family switch churches? Your family is much more important than that, even if they like it there. Keep praying for your husband and the other woman as well, a wall of thorns between them, and to obey God.
33 lessonlearned // Mar 6, 2009 at 6:00 am
(USA) Hi Chris, I have spoken to her before several times. The first time she felt bad that I thought something was going on. I didn’t accuse her, just complained how much our cell phone bill was. My husband was doing work for her in the nursery. She said she would respect my wishes and not call him anymore, but have someone else work on the project. I assured her I was not accusing her of any wrong doing, but now with the way she acts toward me I don’t know.
My Husband said he would fight me on taking the kids out of the school. It’s a very small school. He doesn’t understand why I am having a problem with this. I guess because "nothing happened" with this woman. Before he told me who the woman was, he told me it was sexual and they used protection.
A month later, because I wasn’t speaking to him, he told me who it was. He then told me it was an emotional affair and that nothing happened. He denies ever telling me he had relations with her when I first found out. So what am I to do? Oh, this is not his first affair. The first that I know of happened 2 years ago. I am pretty sure he’s trying to protect her and her reputation at the Church.
34 Chris // Mar 6, 2009 at 11:35 am
(USA) Hi lesson learned, You are up early… Since my marriage problems, I find myself up early, then laying in bed for hours, just thinking and tossing and turning. If not for work and the kids on the weekends, I fear this would be my life. I don’t have a lot of friends. My family was everything to me and we did most everything together. We had mutual friends but now that we are separated, friendships have changed. Also, my demeanor drives people away too. Who wants to hang out with a depressed person?
My oldest daughter, who is 16, certainly notices the change in me and is bummed out to be around me. My youngest, who is 6, thankfully isn’t old enough to know any better, so she accepts me for who I am. In time, hopefully I will go back to the carefree, happy to be around my family, person I used to be. I’m finding that I need to try to stop focusing on my own despair and being there for others.
I went through your previous posts to see what you’re going through. Like everyone else here, our situations are horrible. We’re all going through the fire and we can’t see the end of the trial. I honestly don’t know what advice to give you. My emotions and thinking are all over the place and I certainly don’t trust them anymore. Any advice I would give would be dangerous for you, especially in something as important as your marriage and family.
What does God tell you to do about this in your heart? If you know deep down, then do that. I think many times he is changing us when we go through trials. Stay in the Word. God has many good promises for us there. What else can we do? Maybe a prayer partner, a real person (of the same sex) who you can share with and pray with. Who knows what God will do with your husband? Maybe even through your example. I am an example of how love for my spouse can change. It happened very quickly and I wish I could spend time with her, and be there for whatever needs she has. I wish my wife would give me another chance, like so many of the women I read about here. Continue to pray. I believe that only God can turn our situations around. Try not to lean on your own understanding of things but trust God that He works all things out for your good.
35 lessonlearned // Mar 9, 2009 at 2:50 pm
(USA) Thanks Chris, I wish my Husband was as remorseful as you. He is trying, I guess in his own way, to win my heart. But he still is around the other woman everyday. He grew up with this way of living with his Dad, so no surprise he’s the same way. I hope things are going good for you. Keep the faith. Hopefully your wife will see the new heart waiting for her… you will have a wonderful marriage with her. A much stronger one. God bless you Chris, and your family.
36 Chris // Mar 9, 2009 at 9:06 pm
(USA) Hey lessonlearned, Over the weekend, I rented out the movie "Fireproof". I watched it with my oldest daughter while she was over. I’m going to put it in her weekend suitcase with a note to my wife, hoping she will watch it. It was a great movie although it hurt to watch. It strengthened my resolve to love my wife unconditionally, even if that love isn’t returned. I’m hoping and praying she will forgive me and God will touch her heart. There is so much at stake. I don’t want my kids to see a marriage that gave up.
I want to grow old with my wife. I want to take care of her when she’s not well. I want to hold her when she feels alone and scared. I want to encourage her when she’s discouraged. I want to be home to spend time with my kids each and everyday. I never thought about these things before recently. It was all about me and what I was feeling and I didn’t see the other point of view. I thought I was being loving most of the time. Being right was more important than loving my wife. Too many other things were more important than the most important person in my life.
The truth is, we men don’t know how to love. Most of us try the best we can but fall so short. We can’t give what we don’t have. Rest assured, your husband probably falls into this category. God can change us though. He really got my attention. I wish it would have been sooner and under different circumstances but then again, I wouldn’t have been receptive to it. Love your husband as God would. I believe that’s what He has called us to do. How many times have we rejected Him and forgotten Him, yet He pours out His love to us anyway?
I would recommend renting the movie and watching it together. I pray for your marriage and that it would be strengthened and love will be rekindled. I pray that the both of you will love one another unconditionally and intentionally. I pray that you can forgive one another for past wrongs. I pray that your marriage will be a lamp for your children to see. I pray God will grant the desires of your hearts for one another. I now know why marriage is so close to God’s heart.
37 lessonlearned // Mar 10, 2009 at 5:35 am
(USA) Thanks Chris, I’ll rent the movie. Have you told your wife all these things that are in your heart? Has she filed for divorce yet? I don’t think you mentioned if she had or not. I can’t imagine her not coming back to you. I know it’s hard with kids; I have 2 children 7 & 8. Having a family is everything to me. My parents divorced after being married 20 years. Even though I was 21 at the time it had a big impact on me. I don’t want that for my children. I tell my husband that we need to set the example for our kids, even if we mess up at times. It’s how things are resolved that’s the bottom line.
38 Chris // Mar 10, 2009 at 2:11 pm
(USA) Hi lessonlearned, I have told her what’s in my heart. It only seems to push her away. I don’t know the extent of what I put her through with my affair. She said it broke her heart into a million pieces and yet, she seems to have gotten over it and wants to move on. It was enough to break up our family, which was a big step to take.
It seems like I did everything just right to ruin the marriage. Although, there weren’t a lot of arguments or abuse in the marriage, we had drifted apart as a couple. Looking back, I now see some of the warning signs, as she made a few attempts to try to talk, but I didn’t see it. Then I had my affair, out of the blue. During this time, I told her I didn’t love her and never had. She saw my emails, and they were full of love for one another, and I flew to visit this woman, despite my wife’s warnings.
Afterward, I was planning to move out, when God got a hold of me and my priorities changed. Add to this, my wife had gastric bypass surgery a little over a year ago and lost 10 lbs. and she looks fantastic. She feels like a new person and wants to explore that I guess. So, all these things boiled into a perfect storm, so to speak.
As for divorce, she hasn’t filed yet. I did hear through the grapevine that she has called lawyers to see how much it costs. My situation is hopeless, and only God can intervene, as He did with me, to change this situation.
I will say this. For a man, losing your family takes away your reason for living. Something has died inside of me. I look forward to the weekends with my daughters but it isn’t nearly enough. I long for the day when we can be a family, and I hope that day comes soon.
39 lessonlearned // Mar 11, 2009 at 6:36 am
(USA) Chris, don’t give up on life, you said God got a hold of you. He has a plan for you if not to be with your wife, maybe something else. I know what your wife is going through. My husband had told me he wasn’t in love with me. I knew at that time his interest were with someone else. So I also shut my feelings toward him down. And now I feel like I don’t know if I want to be 100 percent a good wife. He’s a good guy but not a very good husband. I expect he’ll do this again in a couple of years. All I wanted was the truth from him and he doesn’t give me that. Its tough Chris, there’s a lot of hurt there, be patient don’t give up. Remember God has a plan for you, see where he takes you.
40 Chris // Mar 11, 2009 at 9:25 pm
(USA) Lessonlearned, I’m not giving up on my marriage… or family. No way. I still have contact with my wife because of our kids and I am trying to learn to love her as best I can, even if it isn’t returned. The thing is, it’s getting a little bit easier as time goes by, to not focus so much on my rejected feelings, and do things for her because I want to. I also want to do the right thing for my kids. I don’t want them to see a divorce or me with anybody else. I believe this is what God has called me to do and I am hoping and praying He will soften my wife’s heart. As for your husband, God can change him. I told my wife many hurtful things too. My love for her is off the charts now! And it’s not all about feelings either. Maybe try doing the same thing with your husband? Love him unconditionally and show him by doing special things for him. I pray he will notice and be the husband he was meant to be. Thanks for your replies.
41 lessonlearned // Apr 10, 2009 at 6:31 pm
(US) Hi Chris, If you’re still out there, how are you doing?
42 Chris // Apr 10, 2009 at 10:28 pm
(USA) Hi lessonlearned, I’m still here. I’ve been reading the other comments from different subjects, trying to learn what I can. I’m still standing and praying for my marriage. I’m still married as of yet. At least I still have weekly contact because of the kids and I try to love as unconditionally as I can. Most days are hard and emotional for me. I’m trying to improve myself spiritually and physically. It’s lonely and my mind tends to wander about what she’s doing.
How’s things going with your husband? As long as you’re willing to try, God can ignite a spark into a flame. I hope day by day that I will become the husband and man our Lord wants me to be. I am hoping and praying God will move in my wife’s heart. I just want one more chance to show her a man who loves his wife and will lay his life down for her. From a woman’s perspective, do you have any pointers to win back the heart of one who was betrayed?
Thanks lessonlearned, your concern lifts my spirits! Good to hear from you again…
43 Lesson Learned // Apr 15, 2009 at 4:13 am
(USA) Good morning Chris, Glad to see you’re still hangin’ in there.. it’s tough times for sure. I just found out my husband and the other women had sex. I got that information from her directly and she then confessed to her husband. So here I am months later having to relive this mess again.
I still don’t know what to do with my marriage. I’ve been going on the New Life Ministries and that’s been very helpful. You should check it out. As far as having any advice goes, I would continue doing what you are already doing… sounds like you’re going to be a great husband when she does come back. What more could a women want? Hope your children are doing ok through this as well.
44 Chris // Apr 15, 2009 at 9:34 am
(USA) Dear Lessonlearned, Hello again! I see you were up early this morning. Thank you for your kind words, despite what you’re going through. I wish I could give you some advice as to what would help your situation. I believe only God can lead you as to what you should do.
For me, I believe God laid it on my heart to pray and stand for His deliverance of my marriage and family since the beginning of this ordeal. I was also led to a website that has been a lifeline for hope (rejoiceministries.org) There are so many testimonies there of restored marriages and the faith of those hurting people who are still waiting for their precious spouses is nothing short of inspirational. I also watched the movie "Fireproof" recently and it touched my heart. I believe God is also showing me what it means to love. Jesus was rejected by many, yet still loved and gave Himself for us all. He keeps no record of wrongs.
I am a believer that marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken. It is permanent. I didn’t believe this while I was having my affair but my eyes were opened. Keep praying for your husband and marriage. God can and does change hearts. He did mine, and He did it quickly and powerfully. I will check out New Life. I hope you will check out Rejoice Ministries. Have a good day. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
45 Josilind // Apr 27, 2009 at 11:24 am
(UNITED STATES) Chris, I am reading your entry through tears and I feel the same as the others..that my husband should read your letter…and thank you for sharing that and unveiling yourself to us so we can hear about what happens on the other side.
You have a story that needs to be told just like Bob from Rejoice Ministries(..I have been with them since my husband left in December) and I am in your situation. I cant even picture myself with another man regardless of what my husband has said or done to me. I know that it is not my husband. I have watched him turn into another man in 2 months. But I have to keep praying for him and for his ministry that it does not suffer because of his decisions with our marriage.
He has told me that he never loved me…not even on the day we married. That has crushed me so much and when I brought that back to him he said that he didn’t remember saying it. Where did i get that, from a little birdie??? I have watched my loving husband abandon me and I can barely make ends meet now. I have watched him let the first house we own go to foreclosure. I am staying with a lady that I don’t even know now, renting a room and my time with her is ending soon and I am praying for where I am going to stay now.
And my husband who is a minister is continuing in being an associate minister at the new church where the both of us were going. He is doing well financially and has his own place. How he did that, I don’t know, because apartment complexes all turned me down because of the foreclosure on our names and the debt because he stopped paying for everything.
My car went back to the dealership. He gave me his truck and said that he would continue payments on it since I could not afford it and I thought that god was starting to work things out until 2 days later he asked me to officially sign divorce papers.
He said he is tired of going through the things that married people go through and a letter that I found that he wrote to God says that this new lady from the church could be his real wife and she doesn’t seem to have a lot of bad things wrong with her.
Thank you for your testimony..you keep praying for your wife..she is so hurting now and you are too…I pray for you Chris..and I really mean that.
46 lessonlearned // May 30, 2009 at 3:24 am
(USA) Hi Chris, still out there? Just checking to see how you are doing.
47 Josilind // Jun 28, 2009 at 12:06 am
(UNITED STATES) In the midst of the mess, we hear of the bad things, so I am trying to make sure that I tell of the blessed things that has happened in me and my spouse’s life to help give reassurance and hope to those waiting for their breakthrough. My husband has finally listened to God’s voice and says that he is so glad that I continued to pray satan out of his life and his lifestyle.
Since my husband has been back home we had to start counseling to try to understand the emotional affair that he had and to explore how to keep things from not going that way again. Our pastor is seeing us on a regular basis and we have also made arrangements to start going to marriage retreats that are available with other churches here. When I told him about Bob and Charlene and how their ministry has helped me reveal some things to myself about me and that everything was not on his back as to why things were not going the way they should in our family, he now wants to meet them.
We never knew that there was such a powerful ministry here and I am always impressed on how they realize that Florida is a popular vacation spot and a place where most people travel and is a perfect place to start a marriage ministry that is just as bold as they are to sponsor billboards for prodigals. So in addition to us hitting the coast, we plan on taking that 2 hour trip to visit their ministry… mainly to meet the man and woman of God that is helping those who are praying and seeking for restoration in their marriages as well as keeping the focus on God who is a healer above all healers. The kids are excited about his return and I am too. Thank you Lord, for hearing me and the kid’s prayers.
48 Mae // Jul 1, 2009 at 9:10 am
(USA) Can I first say I thank God for this website? It has been great support for me knowing that I am not alone in the struggles I am having in my marriage. Today my flesh is telling me to just walk way but my spirit is telling me to cry out to the Lord and let him handle it. My husband is a Christian, but I think satan has him blinded. He does not see how his relationship that he has with this woman is damaging and has damaged my trust and has broken the foundation of our marriage.
I have asked him to stop talking, texting and end all forms of communication with her. We have had many discussions regarding this person yet she is still in his life. I am tired of this. In every other area of our marriage my husband is great, he is loving,supportive, attentive,thoughtful and kind. But I feel all of that is fake because he will not end or has not ended this relationship which he refers to as “just friends”. He will not go to counseling because he says this is not a problem.
I think it is a very big problem when another woman calls your husband, sweetie, baby, my boo, handsome, tells him she misses him and that she loves him. And has done nothing to stop it. How is it that your spouse, whom you share your time, money, life, body etc with tells you that you are not allowed to go through their cell phone? His favorite line is “you are always looking for stuff” meaning that I looking for things to accuse him of.
I thank God for the positive people that know my situation (few trusted believers) who are helping me pray through this, but I am embarrassed to keep coming to them about the same thing. I have warned my husband via the Word that God is not mocked and he his going to have to give an account for what he is doing and so will she, she knows how I feel about her, yes we have spoken and is supposed to be married. Where is her husband in all of this? I would like to know. I know that God is terrible in his judgment. You don’t want the ones you love to suffer under the hand of God but if that is what it takes for them to come to repentance then what can you do but ask God to have mercy.
Pray for me. My husband continues to lie to me. Every time I think it is over. I find out they are still in communication.
49 lessonlearned // Jul 2, 2009 at 12:44 pm
(USA) Hi Mae, why haven’t you told her husband yet? I did that. My Husband confessed he had an emotional affair, but as it turned out it was a full blown affair and yes I told her husband bringing it to an end. I still don’t trust him this is his second affair that I’m aware of. I would do that first and see if that crumbles the relationship.
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