The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with the heart-break of what Emotional Infidelity can do to a marriage. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading their stories.
If God has given you a testimony which you could share with others, that may help them and encourage them somehow, we would love to hear from you— even if your testimony isn’t very long in length.
Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us” and then writing it out for us there.
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(USA) I’m so glad for the couple mentioned in the testimony ,"The Other Woman". The dynamics of how the husband became entangled in this affair are quite similar to what happened with my husband and a woman at church. Good for this husband, in that he came to his own senses quickly enough, and pulled out of it before it consumed him and destroyed his family.
My husband had an emotional affair with a woman who was giving him an ego boost, when I was preoccupied with and struggling with our children. Though it has been over a year since I learned of this LONG TERM romance, we are still in recovery mode and trying to get the marriage on better footing. This has rocked the foundation of my trust, and this marriage. It took me YEARS to convince my husband he was betraying his vows. For some reason, because this relationship unfolded in church my husband cleansed what was happening, in his mind. It took a few more years to get him to see additional communication with this woman was nurturing temptation.
I’m so glad to read this one couple has recovered from such a betrayal. I am also pleased to know they have recommitted to their marriage with a little support from their church.
(USA) I found out a year ago that my husband of 18 years was having an emotional affair with a much younger married co-worker. They would e-mail and talk during working hours and then he would even call her from our home on the company cell phone. I am devastated. Just to know that I wasn’t good enough, thin enough, pretty enough has broken my heart into pieces. 21 years ago, I lost my first husband to an accident, leaving me with an 11 month old son. I met and married my current husband and he has been the "dad" my son has ever know. I feel that the death of my first husband was easier to accept than this emotional affair because I knew he died loving me!
I am struggling so very much with forgiving him. I love him with all my broken heart and he says he wants to make our marriage work and that he loves me. I don’t understand how he can change his feelings so quickly. I don’t believe he is being honest with himself or me about his true feelings. I don’t know anymore. We have gone to marriage counseling and I am going to a private counselor as well. I resent the fact that he had the affair and I’m in counseling! Can someone help me try to move on and forgive him?
(USA) Kyra, I know exactly how you feel about being angry because he’s the one that had the affair and you’re in counseling. I too, feel the same way about my husband’s emotional affair. Nine months into my marriage I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a women 10 years younger than I and that it had been going on for the past three months…three months…that meant that six months into our marriage he made a choice to get emotionally attached to another woman. He spent more time on the phone with her behind my back every single day in that three months than he had with me in the entire nine months of our marriage.
She too was married but was not getting the attention she needed from her husband. Apparently he was addicted to porn on the internet and their marriage was struggling tremendously. What went wrong, was I not beautiful enough, attentive enough, thin enough, young enough…had I made a mistake? I just didn’t get it! And the truth is I still don’t.
He assures me that he loves me and that there was nothing wrong with me …that it hadn’t happened not because of anything that I did or didn’t do. Another really big thing that makes me angry is that I find I’m the one apologizing when we argue, but I’m the one that was hurt by him…shouldn’t he be apologizing to me???
The truth is, men and women don’t see things the same way. My husband felt that when he apologized a year ago, and a time or two since then, that was all I needed. He assures me that his apology was heartfelt and I really believe that it was. But as a woman, what I need is for him to apologize to me again and again and again. He doesn’t see that. He has continued to do everything I have asked of him, to help me through this, and for that I am thankful, but finding a way to communicate the right message at the right time is important.
In our recovery, I am finding that the things I know in my head and my heart that what I need from him is most likely not what he is perceiving that I need. We are having to make a great effort in our communications to properly share our thoughts and feelings without tearing each other down. That’s a really, really difficult thing to do when you are so hurt and angry, but God can help! I am still not ready to forgive my husband even though I know that is the key to getting through this and healing our marriage. Easier said than done!
I have to pray constantly that God helps me to be wise in my words and that He helps my husband to really hear what I’m saying. I also pray that God helps me to focus on all the wonderful things my husband brings to our relationship and that He helps me to focus on those things, and not the weakness that my husband showed a year ago. One thing that’s helped me on this walk is knowing that I "can" forgive, because God has forgiven me. He "can" help us find our way to forgiveness. God Bless
(USA) I am struggling with my pastor husband who has a very outgoing personality and has a "crush" on a lady in our church and really does not even realize it. He gets involved in her family problems with her parents, siblings, husband and children. He talks to me more about her than we talk about anything in our lives including the lives of our children or grandchildren. He does not like for me to talk about OUR problems (finances, etc) because he feels helpless to FIX them.
He’s doing everything he can – he is bi-vocational and works for commission on his secular job. The church is small and barely pays for our gas that he uses in the ministry. I stay depressed because we are not able to pay all of our bills, but he feels I am blaming him if I try to talk about it. Meanwhile, the other lady (the church secretary) can talk to him about all of her problems and does so freely. He calls her frequently regarding her problems or just to check on things going on.
He has something to say to her or about her in his sermons on Sundays and yet he really does not realize what he’s doing. He does not see that he has this "crush", for lack of a better word. Meanwhile I feel like an insecure, jealous wife for resenting all of this.
He does not keep the phone calls or the conversations secret. He goes out of his way to tell me about them and I am included on their family counseling sessions and she also talks to me about the problems. However, my husband just seems to be so preoccupied with her in his mind that it even comes out in his sermons, by subtle reverences to songs that speak to her heart during her struggles of losing her father to death, and her being a caretaker for her mother who is in a wheelchair, and the full plate she has had to endure and similar remarks.
I have to say he genuinely does have a huge compassionate heart for people, male and female. But it seems he attaches himself to certain women in the churches we’ve been in. We have gone to counseling, but he does not see the problem since there is nothing "sexual" or "inappropriate" happening. This is his extrovert type personality.
Are there any other pastors wives out there with this problem??
(USA) I found out in January of this year, after my husband left his email account open accidentally, that the "friend" he had been discussing civil war interest with, (that I did know of for a whole year), was actually a very “close friend.” There were tons of emails where they wrote each other, and then by accident I found a "reply" that he had drafted and saved, where he was telling her that she was his "dearest best friend, and he thought of her all the time, and not to worry about mine and his relationship being on the mend, that he would tell her if it was.
Wow, I didn’t know we were having a problem!! We had moved, at that time, and I had got depressed because of family problems and work problems, but he never let on that he was having problems with me!! I knew he became distant emotionally with me, and I couldn’t get him to converse with me about very much.
I found other emails where he was constantly reassuring her of what a great friend he was, etc., and also, he had always told me that they never talked on the phone accept twice at the start of the friendship, and that was for research, because he felt he would have been crossing a line. 2 months ago, something he said made me suspicious so I looked on an old phone bill from 1 year ago (when I felt they were most intense) and found where she had called him on the days he and I were off but I was off to help my invalid mother whom lives in another town. I was also out of town, on conference once, and she called him during that time late at night. He did reveal he was surprised that incoming calls showed up on wireless phones, and now he says he truly does not remember all those calls.
I am so hurt, and I love him, and this past 6 months have been devastating for us both. I truly feel like he was on a snow ball effect with her and didn’t even realize how it all looked. He says he didn’t want to hurt me or make me jealous in revealing how close they had got, and that there was nothing ever physical. Most times I believe him, but sometimes it all hits me again, especially how they arranged to talk to each other when I wasn’t around. He did lie to me about the calls, and several times during the year, when I asked if they were still emailing, he told me it had slowed down, but it really didn’t. How do I make this get out of my head?
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My husband of 20 years has been having an emotional affair now for almost a year. He is in the construction trade and met a woman on the job who oversees the buildings projects finances.
Now that I look back at it, things make perfect sense, because I noticed things changing with him that I would maybe tie to a mid-life crisis. He lost a lot of weight, starting caring about what he wore, and would be almost tied to his cell phone. My husband has always hated having a cell phone on him.
He would little by little mention more about her here and there that eventually started to make warning bells go off in my head. Our conversations would always come around to her and how much he missed her because the job that he met her on eventually was completed and they stopped working together. They exchanged home contact info so he could not lose her. All this time, he would just insist that they were just friends and that was it… yet, he would get so depressed when she didn’t call and return emails back to him.
I must admit that I have read his emails to her and they are full of hints to calling him and getting together, going out to eat and so on.
After about six months in this crap, I confronted him on his true feelings about her and he would STILL insist they were just friends. But I asked him if he loved her and just liked her… and his mouth just dropped and he couldn’t answer… So, there it was… I knew.
It was that day that my heart stopped, and I lost a lot of feelings towards him. I haven’t tried to stopped him with his emotional affair… in fact, I’ve been pushing it. I figure that if he strays… I really don’t want him. So there is my story, sorry I don’t have answers.
(US) Sadly, I identify with all of you gals… but you hit more of a nerve, Jody. That’s because I still have a great deal of unresolved anger, frustration and confusion and Jody, you are refreshingly blunt about not having any answers. I truly believe no one does – except God, and for most of us, those answers just don’t come fast enough or clear enough.
What I resent is that my husband, now in his late 50’s (I discovered the emotional affair had been going on at least 6 months when I caught wind of it – thru clues such as a phone machine message and e-mail). And now, as we are heading into our (supposedly) peaceful retirement years, he is behaving too much like a child for my short tolerance.
Listen – I too have known what it’s like to be caught up in a tempting emotional addiction to another person; thankfully, I was pulled to God’s love and stopped it short. I am trying to be patient with my husband but with so many looming things in our lives – work, properties to take care of, medical responsibilities, etc. – I find myself less and less patient with his nonsense.
He has told me that he is no longer involved in a relationship with this woman, but I’m afraid I just don’t believe him and now every time he’s on the phone or at the computer doing e-mails (he gets angry if I walk by when he’s there, saying I’m "stalking" him), I try to go and pray and ask God to stop him, forgive him, help me and give me wisdom to handle everything.
But like Jody, I mostly need to have Him give me back the loving feeling I used to have for him because I don’t know that I do any more. I honestly forgive him, but forgetting is another thing – especially when he’s still so defensive so much of the time and the emotional attachment we had seems… different. Just different, everything seems different. I try not to have it be that way but honestly I am caught between thoughts of spying to get more "proof", turning my head and turning to God instead – and just walking out.
I’m tried I guess; so many things going through my head. One of the worst things is that I don’t really have anyone I fully trust to talk with about it. He doesn’t want to do counseling (why should he, since he vows he’s not doing anything anymore) and I don’t want to go to just anyone… maybe if I found a good Christian counselor. Anyway – thanks all for listening. I’ll be praying for all of you as well.
(USA) I have read all of your posts and I just want to say how sorry I am to all of you for what you are/have gone through. I know God is with us all and will help us through these tough times.
My husband had an emotional affair with a 16 year old girl. He is (was) a teacher and ended up getting caught. Right now, he is being charged with 5 counts of sexual battery. Although he never had sex with the girl, she went to the police and told them they did other stuff. On my own, when the school put him on paid leave to investigate this, I reviewed our cell phone records and found he had called this girl about 5 times a day for 3 months. Sometimes he would call her when I was putting our 3 kids to bed even.
Later he confessed he spent time with her taking her home from school, going to high school football games with her, her friends and the girls father. All the while, I’m at home with 3 kids taking care of them. I’m not sure why he did this to me. I thought I was everything that he wanted. I guess I wasn’t young enough or pretty enough for him. I should have known because he started talking about her a lot.
So now, I feel completely betrayed. I have asked God to help me forgive him and sometimes I think I have. Other times, like today, I am weak and tearful, wondering what is going to come of my life.
His court trial is coming up, a year later, and if the jury decided he had sex with her (and I don’t believe he did) then he will go to prison for 10 years. This leaves me with my 5 year old twins and 2 year old all alone. I don’t know what I will do for those 10 years. I don’t know if I should divorce him or what. It’s likely he will end up as a Tier 3 sex offender, only because he is a teacher, even though the girl claimed that the sex was consensual.
So for all of this, I am hurt and angry and beside myself. I’m only hoping God will not leave me and show me the way. I continue to pray for my husband and my marriage. I hope that one day I can get past this and trust again, but right now I can’t see past the pain and betrayal.
(US) Holly – May I just say how very strong and courageous you are? I wish I had the words to take away all the pain and anxiety and sadness you must be going through; I don’t. Right now, I’m not sure even God does – I say right now, because I know that He will at some point, when you are at a place where the words could be better understood and could impact you better.
Just stay strong for your children’s sake – and your own – and others like me who consider you a hero, seriously. Please please hang in there. And try to be as emotionally detached as you can when you pray for your husband. I know that sounds odd, but the kind of prayer he needs is fervent, unemotional Agape love. Love that transcends all the horrible injustices and goes right to the heart of what the Lord asks of us, sometimes inexplicably. He asks that you pray for someone who, right now, you could very well consider an enemy and the Lord wouldn’t fault you for it. But He asks you to pray for him ANYWAY. So, keep trying.
What you will find is that the prayers strangely help YOU. They lift you up to a higher plane of love – not based on feelings but on the unshakable mercy of God. Please please write again and let us know how you are. Love, Mo
(UK) My husband started a new job about six months ago. At the time we were not long giving our marriage a second chance after we had been through a really rough patch for two years. During the two years we had officially split up and decided to live separate lives. When we realised that we had come to a turning point we started from scratch, leaving the past behind us and even buying new wedding rings to make a point of how committed we both were.
Everything was going so well. We were as I thought a happy family again… our son and the two of us… being happy and getting on like a house on fire. Also the physical side could not have been better. We enjoyed being together again. Ha…silly me!!!
Anyway, a few weeks ago my husband picked my son and me up from the airport after we had been to see the in-laws in Germany. I was soooo looking forward to seeing my husband again that it hurt (if that isn’t a sign that love was in the air… well, at least from my side)??? When he approached us at the airport his body language spoke for himself. No words were needed, I knew something was wrong. But I put it down to being stressed and tired. Still, this nagging little feeling just would not go away.
At home he was in a mood… started to argue over sweet little nothings… meaningless things that kept him on the defensive and therefore kept me away from him.
Then two weeks on, he turned on his mood swings again and after knowing him since the age of 15 I just knew there was more to this.
A day later I came home from work… I went to give him a kiss and he did not respond… busy doing the washing up and turning his back on me. There it was again… the feeling I had two weeks earlier at the airport.
I knew that he had an IM which everyone at work also uses… so I waited for him to leave the house and sat down with the laptop. I have to mention that my husband uses the same password for everything so my chances of getting into his IM were almost 100% and bingo there I was. I hated myself for having to sink so low… but if I really wanted to know what was going on I knew I had no other choice.
And then started looking at the messages… one name was constantly on the message board so I started with the first one they sent to each other. My stomach turned as I was reading how he would finally have his FREEDOM once his son and I were in Germany… which was only the beginning. She told him the Friday I was actually checking his messages that she would be having sex with herself and that his weekend would not be as exciting as hers.
He told her he was not sure about the sex himself as it was not Xmas yet. Then she replied that it would be Xmas for him in less than 4 weeks and that he could see it in with a bang. His reply was that he could not survive until then. She then told him that he should have sex with himself… have a sneaky one under the shower… go spoil himself. It just went on and on and on… and the words they used were not child-friendly. I felt sick and even now just having to repeat this, I feel like my stomach is upside down again.
I confronted him straight away when he got home. He was clearly shocked that I knew, and tried to tell me they were having a joke and friendship story. I him told him that my definition of friendship between co-workers was a very different one. Why did he make her believe he was desperate for sex? We were so close and now this? It really did come as a blow.
When did they cross the line? What were they talking about in their cigarette break? What did she know about me? How could he risk everything he had been wanting from me for something so dirty??? What kind of woman was she to talk like that to someone she worked with??? What… what… what… was he thinking??? These are all questions he could not answer!!!!!
He told me that he loved me and did not want to lose me. I believed him and told him to tell her that they had crossed the line… to let her think that he had actually told me about their messages and that we agreed that he should tell her to stop this form of communication and that it was very unprofessional. Not only was he lucky that his wife took it with a pinch of salt but also they could both lose their jobs over this meaningless silliness.
He said he had told her and that she agreed. But today I found another message on his IM and I feel like an idiot. So tell me, how do you stop an emotional affair??? Is it possible??? Or am I just a woman in love???