The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with the heart-break of what Emotional Infidelity can do to a marriage. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading their stories.
If God has given you a testimony which you could share with others, that may help them and encourage them somehow, we would love to hear from you— even if your testimony isn’t very long in length.
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(USA) My wife and I have been married for 32 years and have 3 wonderful children, 27, 20, and a 13 yr. old still home. I’m 60 and she is 54. She had an entangled affair in 05 and 06 with an old high school boyfriend. She is a good woman and I believe her when she said there was no sex involved. I worked a lot and was not meeting her emotional needs, but the main reason she got involved was that I took her virginity before we were married and that was the gift she was saving for her husband. We were engaged in 2 weeks and married in another 2 months.
She has now said that she still is not sure after 32 years that I was the one. I found out in Nov 06 and it has been 3 years and still not sure which way to go. She has been buying calling cards, but says she has not been calling him. She has had divorce papers for over a year, but she says she is not sure what to do. Sex is better now even though I have E-D. But there is an operation that can solve that. Thank God.
I found a card in her purse with his address and number. She says she wants to try to be a normal family and we have had counseling, but the trust is not there and I’m having a hard time with that and she does not trust me for going into her purse, but she hacked into my email. So?
I have a chance to go to Oklahoma, for a hail storm. I’m in the roofing business and have a good team to run my business here, but I don’t know if I can really trust her. What a shame huh?
I have not heard her tell me she loves me in over a year and really 2 years. She says she is over him, but the calling cards and his phone number is on a card, but maybe it has been there for a while??? I just want to be able to trust her and we both fall in love again, but it hurts when you’re not sure you can trust her. A real bummer…
(US) MO- Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them more than you know. I have been praying for my husband daily. Sometimes, I feel like God is listening and knows I can’t take anymore because we will get good news from the lawyer. Other days, it’s an endless battle to prove he did not have sex with this girl. I am trying my best with my kids and it’s hard.
When my husband goes out and isn’t home when he is supposed to be, I get upset and the kids don’t get the attention I know they need. Although that doesn’t happen very often, I feel guilty on the days it does. These kids so not deserve any of this.
Right now we have nothing because of his stupidity –no health insurance, no money really coming in (just odd jobs). The trial has been moved into January 09 now. It’s awful. Some people got their court subpoena’s on Christmas Eve and I am embarrassed because of that. I know people look at me different in our town also. I am trying so hard to forgive, but it’s so hard.
He says he is trying for me to forgive him and to be a better person. It’s a shame he didn’t think about all of this before he called her so many times and hurt me so badly. While going through the court evidence with his attorney, I found a date in question for him where he and I were out on a "date" and he was calling her AND her friend 6 times in an hour. While I was sitting right there thinking we were having a good time!! I hate that. I just wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him then, but now I am? Is it because he has nothing else?
I’m trying really hard, but a lot of me just wants to give up. Nothing is the same anymore and I’m not sure if it will ever be. The physical, emotional side just isn’t really there anymore no matter what he may say. I just don’t even know which way is up many days.
To all of you- I feel your pain and may God shine down on us all an bring us strength and better day.
(USA) My husband had an emotional affair with a woman at Church. We were friends with her and her family. It started with him doing work for the school and for her classroom (she’s a teacher). I found a cell phone he had hidden from me. Apparently he had been calling her on the phone.
One night I called his cell phone and he had a pretty mushy message for her. Told her how much he loved her etc… I confronted him with his cell phone message of course he couldn’t deny it. He wouldn’t tell me who it was, but after pulling teeth he told me he had sex with her and did use a condom. I told him I wanted a divorce (not his first affair).
He agreed, but after a couple of weeks he told me he had an affair of the heart. I guess that would be an emotional affair with her. He said they never kissed or had sex. He told me he would do anything to work it out with me. We have 2 young children together. Then about a month ago the Church hired him to be an employee of the Church, I expressed my extreme displeasure in this with my husband and the Pastor.
I’ve also told him he lied to me about nothing happening with this woman. He said he doesn’t remember saying he’d ever slept with her. I must have been hearing things HA! So now I go pick up my kids from school, she doesn’t say anything to me, I don’t know if she’s embarrassed to be tangled in this mess or what. I can’t tell you how badly I want to call her husband. But I don’t know If anything happened or not. I don’t foresee this marriage making it much longer. I can no longer trust him. His actions spoke to me loud and clear.
(SOUTH AFRICA) We have been married for 24 years and have 3 children – 20, 19 & 16. My husband is in the construction business and only comes home once a month for a weekend. I recently learnt that he had an affair with a woman in another town.
He has since moved away from that town but is still in telephonic contact with her on a daily basis. When I asked him to stop phoning he said he would try but up until now he still phones. He says that he doesn’t love me and has no emotional feelings for me only physical feelings. He won’t commit to anything and when I ask what his intentions are the answer is always the same "I don’t know’.
He doesn’t want to discuss anything emotional -says it pushes him further away from me. We have limited telephonic contact with each other now as he wants space. He now has his own bank account rather than using the joint account we have always had and he now forwards most of his personal mail (including his cell telephone account) to his work address.
I still love him and am desperate for our marriage to work but he won’t come with me to counselling. Can anyone offer me some advice?
(USA) Hi Sharon, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, I’ve been through it twice. The first time I was forgiving of his affair because our children. The second, more recently, happened during the summer of 08. I suspected it and finally got my answer when he left a mushy I love you sooo much message on his secret cell phone that I discovered.
Of course he couldn’t deny it. He said nothing happened with her, it was just an emotional affair. The bad thing about it is she is a teacher at my kids school. I honestly don’t know if anything physical happened or not. But when you lose that trust it’s harder to forgive. And of course you always will wonder if he will stray again.
I loved him and was desperate for my marriage too. And things were good until this. Now I feel nothing. He still lives here. I try to still care for him, but I know it is a matter of time when my ticker will set off and we’ll divorce. Frankly I don’t much care anymore. I know there are good men out there who value marriage and family. I wish you the best, keep writing if you want to talk some more… it helps.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned. Thank you so much for your letter. My husband is arriving ‘home’ on Friday and I have been advised (by a psychologist and psychiatrist) to give him an ultimatum – either go to counseling together or divorce. I am so afraid he might choose divorce. I keep on thinking that if he wants a divorce to be with her, why has he taken so long about it? If I hadn’t found those messages on his phone I would still be living my normal life without even knowing. I feel as if my whole world is upside down.
When I asked him if he had slept with her he said only once and she decided to be only friends. But so many lies have been told, I just don’t know what to believe. I have asked him four times on different occasions and he keeps saying once. I want to believe him but it is so difficult. I know we haven’t had the most wonderful of marriages but I didn’t think it was that bad.
I keep on hoping it might be mid life crisis (he is 49). At the time it all happened he had been promoted at work, is working with a lot of younger men, and also my nephew, who was working with him, was killed in a car accident. He took his death very hard. Maybe I am looking for excuses – I don’t know anymore but I think I need to give him that ultimatum- as hard as it might be – so that I can get on with my life.
Thank you for ‘listening’. I really appreciate your kindness. Keep well and I will let you know how my ultimatum goes!
(USA) Hi Sharon, an ultimatum may work. I tried that on my husband. I thought he had stopped seeing her but I found out through our phone bill a month later he hadn’t… that was his first affair. When I told him I’d had enough, he then changed his tune… but it happened again. So I don’t know what to tell you… I know what your feeling. I can only recommend you get a job if you’re a stay at home Mom. Just to prepare yourself.
I had quit my job to be home with my kids. I guess he didn’t like that idea much, so he tries to twist the situation around to make it look like it’s my fault. Granted, I’m sure I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I never strayed. You’ve been married a long time. I can see where you’d want to work on it.
My husband is still begging me not to divorce him, but the feelings are no longer there or the trust. I’m 49 years old. Will he do this again when he thinks his life isn’t going perfect? I don’t have the time or energy to find out.
I didn’t think to ask you if you knew who she is or can you get her number from a cell phone bill? Confronting the problem with her or if she’s married, calling her husband, can bring it to an end pretty quick!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned. I do know who she is – have even spoken to her. He told me he met her at a pub but it turns out that she works in the site office, so more lies. When I spoke to her the first time she denied knowing him and the second time she told me that our problems had nothing to do with her and that I must sort myself out as there is nothing wrong in being friends with him. Friends who like each other very very much!! She was not very friendly?!
I was advised by a lawyer not to get a job at the moment as he could then use it against me if we divorce and not pay me any maintenance. The other problem is selling the property (we have to share all assets equally) as our younger daughter runs a swim school from home, so she will also lose her income. Our eldest daughter is okay as she works as a radiographer and our youngest is still in school so his education will be covered.
I have never been this scared and nervous before, I feel as if I am losing my mind. I am on anti depressants, anxiety pills and am suffering from panic attacks. I am taking so many pills that if you shake me I will rattle.
It is so nice to be able to talk to someone who understands, I cannot thank you enough for your kindness. Will let you know what happens. Love, Sharon
(USA) It just amazes me how little respect this woman has for marriage and family. Is this piece of work also married? If so, I’d be making a call to her husband. Better yet, if she is working on the site, talk to your husband’s supervisor and tell him of the hanky panky going on. Maybe he can put it to a halt or at least dull the excitement. I say what comes around goes around.
Get yourself together please, work on you and your kids. When he sees this change in you, it may spark in interest… but I wouldn’t give in so easily. Be tough. If he’s never seen that side of you. Men are so like little boy at times. The harder to get you are, the more they want it. That’s what I’m dealing with right now. My husband thinks I’m going to file any day now, he has been trying to win me over. But I told him things aren’t the same anymore.
Like you, I love my family but I am not willing to live this nightmare again. I decided to separate myself from my marriage for now. Maybe things will change, I don’t know. I am thinking of my kids first, then myself. I know in my heart he isn’t going to change unless God steps in.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Lesson Learned, Well my ultimatum didn’t go down too well – he doesn’t like people telling him what to do! Most of the time he just smiled or laughed. Maybe it was nerves; he said he didn’t expect that. The rest of the weekend went ok but I decided to ask about marriage counselling and he says he doesn’t think it will work- he is not even prepared to try so I asked him to leave and that I would start divorce proceedings. But after thinking about it if he wants the divorce he can do all the running around and spade work.
I have decided to take your advice and look after myself and my children but the only thing is I don’t know where to start looking for myself. I lost me somewhere along the way. I just don’t know who I am anymore (sorry a bit down today).
He took an earlier flight today and I also learned that she is in Johannesburg doing a course (that is where he is at the moment). How convenient for them!
She is a divorced woman of 51 – older than him. Maybe that is the attraction. When I asked why she is divorced she said she couldn’t wait to get out of such a terrible relationship. I only hope that what goes around comes around is true – they deserve it.
The hardest part is that I still want him and would do anything to get him to love me again.