The following are “Real Life” testimonies from people who have dealt with the heart-break of what Emotional Infidelity can do to a marriage. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading their stories.
If God has given you a testimony which you could share with others, that may help them and encourage them somehow, we would love to hear from you— even if your testimony isn’t very long in length.
Please share your testimony with us by going to the CONTACT section and clicking on “Contact Us” and then writing it out for us there.
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(USA) Hi Sharon, How horribly sad it is that your husband is so caught up in himself that he can’t do what is right and invest his time in his own family rather than going after a woman who has already shown that she dumps “terrible” relationships. I cry for you that he is so blind, insensitive, and lacks the integrity of being a promise keeper.
I have to say that after my own Dad left my mom and us 4 kids to chase after another woman when I was a teenager, my mom didn’t file for divorce. She decided to let him file and follow through to the end with his dirty work. It actually worked out for the better. He eventually woke up to who she was and what he left and came back begging to reconcile. After a while, they eventually reconciled and eventually came to relationship in Christ and were very happy in their renewed marriage for many years before my mom died. I’m not saying this will happen to you… but you never know.
As for “looking for yourself”… I’m so sorry that you have come to the place where you feel you have lost yourself. That is so very sad. But God knows who you are and who He created you to be… someone of value and worth and someone He loves very much.
Seek yourself in Him. Learn from Him. A good place to start is on your knees praying, and calling out to Him… confessing how lost you feel. Don’t hold anything back. And then open your Bible to the Psalms and pray through them, confessing and praying and asking for wisdom as to who you are and what He can reveal to you about the direction of your life. The book of Proverbs is another good place to start. There are 31 chapters. You can pray and read and absorb a chapter a day as a good starting place. Envision yourself sitting at the feet of Christ and learning what He has to teach you.
We also have several good articles you can read and explore during this time. A few that come to mind are: “Talking Honestly with God” — found in the “Spiritual Matters” section. And then there is “New Year, New Confidence – Marriage Message #23″ found in the “Marriage Messages” section. In the same section is “How Big is Your God – Marriage Message #24″ and also “How God Uses Suffering – Marriage Message #280.” And then there is “Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are in Christ” — which you can find in the “Mental and Physical Health” section. And lastly, “Myths We Believe About Ourselves and Marriage” which you can find in the “Spiritual Matters” section.
From there, find a good Women’s Bible Study you can plug into. A great one would be Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free Bible Study” if you can find one in progress or one you can eventually participate in with some other ladies. It could be helpful to do this WITH at least one other lady. I’ve seen this to be a good way to study this.
As you journey through these scriptures and articles and studies, I have no doubt that God will work to help to reveal to you who you are. You are like all of us… you are a sinner, saved by grace. God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life that will excite you as you lean into His love and embrace. I’m excited for you as you come to realize who you really are — not someone needy for a husband who rejects you, but someone confident, who offers so much to all who are around you.
Possibly along the way your husband will wake up to what a marvelous woman he had married. If so, then there are other things God can show you that pertain to marriage on our web site… if you can open your heart to reconciling at that point. If he doesn’t wake up… he has lost in a BIG way! There is no way that this woman can bring the integrity and pure love that you and your children can bring to him.
Sharon, I pray that the day comes where you hold your head up, realizing that you are a daughter of the King of Kings! You have so much to live for and embrace as God’s child! Please know that there are many of us who are praying for you and care about you!
(USA) Hi All, I have been on the net searching for what the betrayed spouse goes through after an affair. I want to understand the hurt and pain that the adulterer puts their spouse through. You see, I had an affair on my wife of 17 years about 6 months ago. It lasted about 2 months, mostly Internet, but I flew to her state for a weekend, and we were physical. I did this even after my wife found out about the emails and believe me, I was downright poetic in them.
After I got back, we continued with emails and phone calls for a few weeks and I didn’t care about whether my wife was hurt or not and she saw many of them. I also told my wife that I didn’t love her and never did and many other hurtful things. We also have 2 lovely daughters whom we love very much and have always done everything as a family. There were certainly some problems in our marriage but before this, I (thought) I was a pretty good husband and father. I knew about God too, and I was pretty self righteous as well. How little I knew, and even more, my thoughts and actions did not match what I knew God desired.
I’ll try to explain how my situation unfolded to do what I did. At this point in time, I do not know why I did what I did anymore. A combination of things: my upbringing, a very strict mother, being very hurt by love in my teen years, masking that hurt with drugs and pornography, being selfish and living for pleasure, lack of character, low self esteem, not knowing how to really love and being afraid to love again, a lack of intimacy and passion in our marriage. Perhaps most of all, I am a sinner and the devil goes about seeking whom he may devour.
I thought I was in love with this other person but after some emails and a weekend together? What a idiot and a fool I was! This woman was the one who I was hurt over so many years ago. We never officially broke up, we had just stopped communicating. I really did love her all those years ago and our "breakup" caused me a lot of pain going into early adulthood. I had wondered about her from time to time over the years and one day I looked her up on the internet and emailed her.
My first email consisted of letting her know what I had been doing over the years and I explained the hurt I went through when we split. She emailed me back and told me about herself (she was also married and passion was missing from her marriage as well) and she left an opening for more communication that I could clearly see. So I emailed her back and very soon, we picked up where we had left off those many years ago.
Looking back, I am shocked at how quickly it developed. Looking back, I see how blind I was to think that this was really love. Sure there was passion, but that doesn’t translate into love and we didn’t even really know one another at all. Love consists of the ups and downs, the good and bad times, the stresses of work, kids, time spent and problems and sticking it out through them all. Then a soul tie is developed that is not easily broken.
After I got back from seeing her, I was ready to separate from my wife and went to one of our rentals and began to clean it up so I could move in. Very suddenly, I realized I could not do this. I loved my wife and I couldn’t do this to my kids. I was so convicted in my heart and knew I had done wrong. Even so, we continued emailing for another week. The other woman was also convicted and finally we both agreed to break it off. This was extremely hard, as we had developed an emotional attachment. I grieved over her for about a month.
I must say, the physical part of things wasn’t the main thing. Seeing her was okay, but for me, it was the pouring out of our hearts in the emails that had the most impact on me. And the fact that she told me only good things about myself, how great I was, and that she loved me. All ego boosters that I wanted to hear as my wife and I didn’t build one another up nearly as much as we should have.
I am now free of her, and we haven’t had any contact for about 6 months. I am also free of wondering about her and how things might have turned out between us. She wasn’t the one I really love and also, I know that it isn’t God’s will that we should be together. We are both already married, married in God’s eyes until the death of our spouses.
I realized how very much I love my wife and my family. They mean more to me than my own life. I wanted my them back and in my heart, I knew that I was committed to them and wouldn’t do this again. I believe this realization and conviction came from God.
My wife did not want me back. Nothing I said or did could make a difference. I tried so hard to explain, to apologize, to tell her how much I loved her, how wrong I was, to give us another chance. I begged her not to break up our family, at least for the kids sake. She was and isn’t ready. The guilt I felt (and still am going through) reduced me to a paralyzed man. I became severely depressed, began experiencing extreme anxiety and panic attacks, and fear. I lost 50 pounds in 4 months and could not sleep more than 3 hours a night.
My wife still lived in the house (until she could move out) and I had to watch her take off her wedding ring, start to go out every weekend to clubs, knowing she was making herself (or at least putting herself) available to others, telling me she doesn’t love me anymore, and that she has moved on. She showed no compassion or attraction for me whatsoever.
She moved out with the kids 3 weeks ago and I have little contact with her except to pick up the kids on the weekends. I have tried to understand how her feelings could change so quickly and easily. She seemed to get over things in about a month or she is a good actor. She seems happy though to be on her own, eager to meet others, partying and doesn’t appear to be skipping a beat. I was obviously a worse husband than I thought I was, notwithstanding the adultery.The shoe is now on the other foot.
I now know what it is like to be rejected, to feel like I’m not good enough, to be so very lonely in a empty house, and to cry tears of pain, sorrow and regret most every night. I’m losing my house because I can’t afford it on one income, our credit, which was excellent for the past 20 years will soon be shot. I lost most of the furniture, which makes this a lonely, empty house, our bank account, which we were saving for retirement has been divided, I now pay a good chunk of my paycheck for child support, ensuring living below what I have been used to. I don’t care that much about these things.
Most of all, my wife is gone and my kids are gone. There is now no time spent together as a family, no vacations together, they are missing a father most of the time, I am missing out on seeing them grow up and in time, they will forget about how it used to be and what it’s supposed to be like. I am missing out on precious time with them. I am missing out on companionship with my wife now and maybe in my old age, on hugs and kisses from her lips, with touching her and feeling her body, smelling her hair and calling her "honey, sweetie and doll face", to hear her say I love you. I lost everything near and dear to me. I am ruined and I regret the day I was born. To top it all off, I am to blame and I have to live with that everyday.
I am here to say for any prodigals who read this, read what happened to me and think very hard before you cheat on your spouse. The costs cannot be seen many times until the damage is done. The costs are so very great, so very great.
For those of you who are being betrayed by your spouse, I am so sorry for your hurt. I know it must be great. I say to you, fight for your marriage and your family. Think long and hard about divorce and giving up. Think about the costs for your kids, the things both you and they will miss out on, your grand kids and the legacy you will be leaving as an example. Many times, divorces seem to happen throughout generations.
Most of all, think about your eternal souls, especially for you cheaters. God says that adulterers and fornicators shall not see the kingdom of Heaven. His curses and wrath are on those who practice such things. God hates divorce. He hates family breakup. Forgive, so that your sins may be forgiven. Love never fails.
I have determined that I will remain faithful to my wife. I will not go looking for someone else or be remarried. I made vows to love, honor, cherish, in good and bad times, for richer or poorer, better or worse to God and to my wife. Do not think I am anything because I want to do these things. I was and am the worst of sinners. I owe my wife and children a debt that I cannot ever repay back. I can only lay down my life for them. I know that God has forgiven me for what I have done but I must show myself sincere by not doing this again. I, most of all, am not free to remarry. That would make me an adulterer all over again. Also, this is hard and impossible for me, to either be reconciled to my wife or be alone, but with God’s grace, I will do it. With the pain and loneliness, I struggle with feeling sorry for myself and thinking about filling that void with someone new in the future. I pray that I will not. It’s easier right now, because other women are so alien to me right now and my heart is for my wife.
I am standing for my wife, marriage and my family. I am praying and hoping against hope everyday that God will resurrect my dead marriage. From the beginning of this ordeal, I believe that is what God is calling me to do. Never have I sought Him so much as I am now. Trials will do that and maybe that is a reason God allows them. For those of you who love your husbands, pray, believe and fight for your marriages. I recommend a website called "rejoiceministries.org" This site has given me strength, hope and encouragement to keep standing for what I know in my heart to be right.
May God bless you all. Please pray for me, my marriage and my family. Nothing is impossible for God.
(USA) Chris- Wow! What a post! Where do I begin? I hope that you read this even though your original post was quite some time ago. I too, cheated on my spouse. I made the decision a long time ago that when anyone asks me about the demise of my marriage that I stand up and tell the truth.
I have been divorced from my husband for about 8 years and we have two children ages 14 and 12. He was the recipient of my physical affair and I am now the recipient of his emotional affair. I am now understanding the intense pain I put him through not to mention my kids and the rest of the family. We had such a love that our whole family always thought that we would make it to the end and everyone looked up to us. I always thought that we would grow old together, I would have done anything for him. Amazingly, I still feel that way.
Anyway, I was a stay at home mom and he provided for our family. I became bored and upset that he was working all the time. It kept him away from his family for days at a time. I became weak and my self esteem suffered. It wasn’t anything that he did; he always made me feel beautiful, it was my own problem. I had gained a lot of weight after I had my kids, but he likes big women so it wasn’t a problem for him, like I said, it was a problem for me.
So, I lost some weight and joined a martial arts class. He didn’t like that at all. He wanted me to stop martial arts I felt so empowered, so strong and so proud of myself that I could actually do something like that and be good at it! I was devastated that he wanted me to stop. Eventually, in time, there was someone in the class who started paying attention to me and a relationship developed over time. Emails and phone calls started. My husband found out and asked me about it and I confessed but said that we hadn’t slept together. He didn’t believe me and again, I was devastated.
I also wanted him to fight for me as if he couldn’t lose me, but that didn’t happen. He withdrew and I went straight to the other man! Oh, if I knew then what I know now! I never stopped loving my husband but I certainly wasn’t honoring him either. The pain I must have caused him! He’s a good actor though, doesn’t really show it. Doesn’t really talk about it either. I lost my kids too. They live with him but we have joint custody. I miss them all the time. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I cry when I wake up, I cry in the shower, I cry because I cannot believe that I did this to the people I love most in the world. What was I thinking???
I am very touched by the fact that you posted in the first place and how honest you have been. It truly does take a big person to stand up and tell the world how wrong you have been.
Now, I am on the other end. Even after we divorced, we have been in a “relationship”. We don’t live together and we are not married but we act like a couple and we are intimate. We have been “on again-off again” for 8 years. I don’t think he has dated anyone in that time and I dated briefly in the first year we were divorced. I have not dated in 7 years. We go back and forth with each other where we will act like we are married and then we will have spans lasting roughly 6 months where we ignore each other and try to move on.
Recently, he said some things to me that made me believe that we were finally going to get back together. He does that from time to time and I always fall for it! A week after he says these things, I find out he is on a social networking site having an emotional affair with his ex girl friend from high school. It of course started innocently enough but progressed to sexy emails, chatting online and phone calls. She is married herself with three children.
I confronted him and even though he knows how hurt I am and “claims” he is not comfortable with this “relationship” with her and has told me twice he “cut the umbilical cord” he has not done so and I believe he won’t. This passage you wrote hit a cord with me because I told him this very thing:
“Looking back, I am shocked at how quickly it developed. Looking back, I see how blind I was to think that this was really love. Sure there was passion, but that doesn’t translate into love and we didn’t even really know one another at all. Love consists of the ups and downs, the good and bad times, the stresses of work, kids, time spent and problems and sticking it out through them all. Then a soul tie is developed that is not easily broken.”
We have talked and talked about this but he won’t give it up. He then backtracked on his statements about getting back together and how he was willing to make it work. Now, we are right back at the familiar brick wall of “I don’t know, I have to think about it”. I just told him that there could be no relationship with me, if there was one with her and I believe he chose her. So, I have a lot of grief from both ends of the spectrum. I don’t know what to do and don’t know if it is God’s will that we be together or not.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. I hope things are working out for you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Cindy Wright. Thank you for your kind and inspirational words. Thank you for the wonderful advice. I have never prayed so hard in my life before but as yet I haven’t had any answers. I suppose one of the things I still have to learn is patience.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Chris. I wish my husband would read your letter but at the moment he is not interested in any advice or help. I wish you luck in healing your marriage.
(USA) Hi Chris, Give you wife some time to grieve and work through her anger. Believe me, there is a lot of anger there. I know if I didn’t have a 7 and 8 year old I might have hit the clubs too. God willing, in time she will forgive you… just be there for her. Don’t date even if she does. In time she will see you have a new heart.
(USA) Hi Sharon, Sorry things didn’t go well for you. What I meant about doing for you and your kids is to try to keep you chin up. I know everything seems hopeless now, but regardless of the outcome you need to take care of yourself and family to function.
Do you have any hobbies? Get out of the house, go shopping, get a makeover or join a health club. In my case I told my husband I wanted a divorce and of course he is falling all over himself for that not to happen. I care about him but don’t respect him as a husband. The more disinterested I am in him the more he wants the marriage to work. I just had to change my attitude. I’m not mean or disrespectful to him I’m just trying to better myself because it’s bad enough to feel like you’re not good enough or pretty enough.
(CANADA) Hi everyone, Chris I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Glory to God because you see your mistakes. I wanted to suggest a book called I DO AGAIN by CHERYL & JEFF SCRUGGS. God saved their marriage after so many things had happened including an affair but God allowed both of them to feel some pain so that they lean on Him and learn things.
God uses our pain for good. I never used to understand that concept till I went through some marriage problems that showed me so much of what I did wrong and what God expected of me. God will see you through. I read somewhere that God never wastes a crisis. He’ll take your situation and turn it around. If it’s you and God, your marriage can be saved. It will take faith and a lot of PATIENCE.
You can read 1 Peter 5:6-10 and James 1:2-4, Hebrews 12:5-7; Isaiah 58:9-11 and the Psalms. Pray the Psalms too. Especially Psalms 23 and Psalms 121. I can go on and on but you get the point. God will see you through this. Ask Him for patience because He’ll work on you first, then He’ll get you’re wife’s attention.
Sharon, my prayers are with you and your husband. Hope this helps. God bless you all.
(USA) Everyone, Thank you for your kindness. I used to be quite ashamed and prideful about revealing my sins and weaknesses and I am less so now. Almost everyone I have confessed my affair and sins to, have shown me so much compassion and understanding. I am humbled by your mercy, as many of you are being hurt right now, yet offer sympathy to one who has done the same thing.
I can’t speak for all of those who cheat on their spouses, but for me, it wasn’t about my wife not being good enough or pretty enough. It was about me, my lack of character, my selfishness, my disobedience to what I knew to be right, my ignorance and my blindness. It’s not your fault. All of us do things to hurt our spouses at times, but betraying, lying and breaking trust are at the top. Don’t feel badly about yourselves. That’s all it is – a feeling, but not the truth.
From my perspective, you are all noble, virtuous women and your spouses are blessed to have you. It is us, the cheaters and abusers, who don’t feel good about ourselves, and it plays out in hurting those who love us the most. God does bring us to our senses though, and He will eventually. We have no peace with what we do. Hopefully, when your spouse realizes what he has done, you will still be there for him or it will be his loss.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All. Thanks for the good wishes. I have decided to lie low for a while and give him some space and when I do contact him I am to keep it friendly and nonemotional. Hopefully this will help him see how serious I am about our relationship. I hope it works!!
(USA) Good luck to you Sharon. That is a good plan, to be unemotional. He’ll see you as a strong woman. That may be appealing to him. Wish you well.