The following are Web Site Links and descriptions of resources for those of you dealing with an emotionally distant spouse. We pray they will help you in your marital situation:

• www.christianniceguy.com This is the web site for Paul Coughlin, who is part of a movement where thousands of Christian men are reaching for more forceful, rugged expressions of their faith. Paul writes about the Christian Nice Guy, who hides their fears and passivity behind a fake smile and a “nice” personality that is timid and dishonest. Paul sets men free to live better, more loving, and more meaningful lives — to be better husbands and fathers.

• FOCUS ON THE FAMILY COUNSELOR REFERRALS: Focus on the Family www.family.org has developed a nationwide Christian referral system. As they say on their web site, “our counseling staff would be happy to speak with you and recommend any counselors available in your geographic area.” If you live in the U.S. you can do the following: “To speak with a counselors’ assistant and receive a referral to a counselor in your area, please call (719) 531-3400 from 9-4:30 (Mountain Time) Monday through Friday, and ask for the Counseling department.

For an online referral, please fill out a referral request form and submit it to our staff. They will be in touch with you in as timely a manner as possible. Unfortunately, we do not have area counselor referrals outside of North America.” However, they DO have web sites for a variety of other countries such as Australia, Canada, China, Costa Rica, Egypt, Ireland, Korea, Malaysia, New Zealand, Singapore, Africa, and Taiwan, which may be able to direct you to counselors in your area when you contact them. To find a link which will take you to one of their international web sites, you can go to the Focus on the Family www.family.org web site and scroll down to the bottom of their Home Page and then select the flag that represents the web site for the country you’re looking for.

• www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com, which is the web site for the National Registry for Marriage-Friendly Therapists. Although this is not a Christian web site, it is one that we believe can be very helpful. Their “mission” is to “help marriages by linking couples with the most highly qualified therapists in the country. “As they say, which we believe to be true, “Right now it’s hard for couples to find a good therapist. Many therapists lack training and experience in marriage therapy, and some are lukewarm in supporting life-long commitment. The Registry only accepts therapists with many years of training and experience in marriage and couples therapy. These therapists value marriage and life-long commitment, and are dedicated to helping marriages succeed if at all possible.”

• NEW BEGINNING MARRIAGE SEMINAR, Family Dynamics Institute provides an intensive seminar for help with marriage problems. This seminar is for those whose marriages have been hurt by affairs or other major issue. Please click here for more information.

• REJOICE MINISTRIES.COM is a ministry which is calls themselves “a spiritual trauma center for hurting marriages.” Their web site can be found at www.rejoiceministries.org. Their entire ministry, is designed to encourage and give hope to those who are standing in the gap believing God for a miracle in their marriages. They supply its reader’s more than 18 pages of testimonies of restored marriages and over 72 pages where you’re able to read individual letters of praise to God for answers to prayer and testimonies of God’s faithfulness through the various difficulties they’ve encountered in their marriages and families. You can read the testimonies and the stories of restored marriages by clicking into them from the side bar of the Home page of their web site.

• RETROUVAILLE (meaning, “rediscovery” and rhymes with apple pie), www.retrouvaille.org. This is a program for couples with serious problems who are disillusioned, separated and/or on the brink of divorce. You’ll be helped by volunteer couples who have also “been to the brink” — who have experienced serious problems including affairs, alcoholism, gambling, violence, etc. or who have simply fallen out of love— but who have worked their way back. They’ll teach you how to fall back in love again and heal your own marriage and make it stronger than ever before. This successful program (85% when both partners work at it) teaches simple techniques of communication and exercises to work on forgiveness, healing, and restoration of trust.

The program begins with a weekend and includes 12 follow-up meetings over 3 months. These are not spiritual retreats, sensitivity groups, seminars or social gatherings — there are no counselors involved and you don’t have to say anything in front of anyone else. Couples discuss the topics and practice the skills in private. It has a blank envelope -donation system and is open to couples of all faiths and to the non-religious. For those in the USA: to find a program in your area call, 800-470-2230 or you can visit their web site at www.retrouvaille.org.

• www.thethirdoption.com This is an organization based on reconciliation —a new beginning. Most hurting couples will say they’ve “tried everything” but what they usually mean is they’ve tried the same things over and over. In this group setting you’ll learn new ways to handle old problems. The Third Option isn’t counseling. It’s an educational and support group where you learn and encourage each other along the way. However, they recommend participants seek counseling when appropriate. The Third Option is a peer ministry and an educational program. It combines: a support group, “sharing” couples and workshops on relationship skills. The Third Option can be both a stepping-stone to counseling and an adjunct to it. It’s an ON-GOING program which gives couples a “place to go” in crisis or anytime. It works well in conjunction with weekend experiences.

RESOURCES:

• BECAUSE I SAID FOREVER -by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah Publishers www.multnomahbooks.com. This book is by far one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books on the subject of marriage addressed specifically to women. It’s a compilation of true testimonies on various subjects of marriage lived out by different women who have and are living through some really tough situations and yet God has helped them to live victoriously despite the difficulties. The authors have done an excellent job of “applying biblical principles to the challenging issues involved in a difficult marriage.” Women who read this book will “understand how doing things God’s way brings fulfillment and peace, regardless of the circumstances.” Too often divorce becomes the prime option considered when marriage becomes really tough. The great thing about this book is it gives the readers some different biblically based options to consider.

As one of the authors, Deb Kalmbach points out, “Although the church discourages divorces, a recent study by George Barna indicates that Christian marriages don’t fail as often as secular marriage—they fail more!” She goes on to say, “I believe one reason is that too often the Christian wife who finds herself in a hard marriage imagines she has only two courses: gutting it out miserably but putting on a happy face or leaving the marriage feeling guilty and condemned.

This book says there’s another way. The reflections you read here will affirm your decision to stay in your marriage. But they will also offer you encouragement and help for moving beyond simply enduring a bad marriage. You’ll discover that it is possible to be personally fulfilled even if your marriage is not fulfilling. It is possible to discover joy, to find the support you need, to thrive in your spiritual life and Christian walk, and to turn your challenges into opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.” Buy this book now.

• BEFORE A BAD GOODBYE… How to Turn Your Marriage Around -by Dr Tim Clinton, published by Word Publishing, www.wordpublishing.com. This book is especially for couples at the breaking point, showing that there’s a 3rd choice outside of divorce or a marriage in name only: reconciliation. Dr Clinton is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an ordained minister and president of the American Association of Christian Counseling. “This book is excellent if you’re trying to reclaim a love that has nearly slipped through your fingers. It has spiritual encouragements, cognitive tools, and practical behavioral suggestions. It teaches you how to build (or rebuild) a foundation one brick at a time and is a ‘must-reading’ for a divorce-minded culture.”

• CHOOSING TO CHEAT- Who Wins When Family and Work Collide, by Andy Stanley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers, www.thomasnelson.com. This book presents a strategic plan for resolving the tension between work and home. You’ll find ways to deal with the busyness that wreaks havoc with the relationships you consider most important. As Dr John Maxwell says about this book [which we agree]: “This is a life-changing book and extremely relevant to our modern way of life. Author Andy Stanley confronts us with truth and transparency. Just as he had made a commitment in his own life to balance his family time with his work, he encourages us to make similar commitments. One of the main reasons it is life changing is because a godly man who makes choices in his own life to never sacrifice his family for success has written it. If he wins the world but loses his family, what has he gained? Every couple, every parent, and every leader needs to read this book and consider the question: Who wins when my family and work collide?” Buy this book now.

• FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE… Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love -by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, published by Jossey -Bass Publishers www.josseybass.com. This is a “down-to-earth, user-friendly, occasionally humorous advice to couples engaged in the emotional taffy pull of living together.” This book helps you and your partner to master the skills that can prevent marital distress and divorce and teaches such skills as listening without criticizing or interrupting, setting ground rules for discussion, and scheduling meetings to talk about issues calmly. Buy this book now.

• HIGH-MAINTENANCE RELATIONSHIPS … How to Handle Impossible People -Dr Les Parrott, published by Tyndale House Publishers www.tyndale.com. Even though this book is written for all types of high-maintenance relationships (including boss, neighbor, friend, and relative) it would be great for those who have a spouse who is their “High-maintenance” person in their life. The different personalities that are dealt with are: The Critic, Martyr, Wet Blanket, Steamroller, Gossip, Control Freak, Backstabber, Cold Shoulder, Green-eyed Monster, Volcano, Sponge, Competitor, Workhorse, Flirt, and the Chameleon. Each chapter not only describes the difficult types of personalities and how to recognize them, it also gives advice on how to understand, cope with, and lovingly deal with them. Buy this book now.

• HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED… Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed -by Gary Chapman, published by Moody Press www.moodypublishers.com. If you’re separated, you may not feel like reconciling. You may not see hope for a reunion. But through small, simple steps, Dr. Chapman shows that you may be able to achieve reconciliation with your mate. He deals with the question of dating while separated, how to relate to your children during this time, and ways to improve communication. Assignments are given to encourage growth both as individuals and as a couple. It’s a practical book for both the separated husband and wife. Buy this book now.

• LOVE MUST BE TOUGH… New Hope for Families in Crisis, by Dr James Dobson, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. In this book, Dr. Dobson offers practical help for the spouse who wants to hold the marriage together. He shows how to rekindle romantic interest and draw the offending partner back home. For new generations faced with ever-increasing threats to stable and loving bonds, Love Must Be Tough offers realistic hope.

“Dr. Dobson’s premise of tough love, which essentially means defining and maintaining the line of respect around yourself, seems sound and practical. Applying it avoids the drawn-out, torturous emotions that go with living in a decaying relationship. Dobson makes the seemingly radical recommendation that people facing infidelity or other marital crisis of similar proportions precipitate a crisis to bring the situation to a boil. Dobson’s point is that that boil will very often restore the relationship. Precipitating the crisis shows your mettle, which commands respect and even admiration. This book is NO GUARANTEE that you will win your spouse or significant other back. But, like anything else, if you don’t do something you will more assuredly lose them anyway. Pray hard and read this book if you want to keep them. Learn to give them space.”

If you can’t find this book at a location near you go to www.multnomahbooks.com and go into their “Contact Us” section. They even have a selection for “International Distribution” if you live outside of the United States to find out if they have a distributor located near you. Buy this book now.

• LOVE & RESPECT - By Dr Emerson Eggerichs, a Focus on the Family Book, published by Integrity Publishers, www.integritypublishers.com. This is a marriage book that makes a difference! It delivers a revolutionary message. People are saying about this book: “I’ve been married 35 years and have not heard this taught.” … “This is the key that I have been missing.” … “It caused a light bulb moment for me.” … “You connected all the dots for me.” … “As a counselor, I’ve never been so excited about any material.” … “You’re on to something huge here.”

Discover the single greatest secret to a successful marriage: “Psychological studies affirm it, and the Bible has been saying it for ages. Cracking the communication code between husband and wife involves understanding one thing: that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find.” “Love and Respect” reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically. Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the “Love and Respect” message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. Buy this book now.

• LOVING SOLUTIONS… Overcoming Barriers in Your Marriage -By Gary Chapman, published by Northfield Publishing. Dr Chapman offers loving solutions to the most complicated and stubborn marital problems such as: the irresponsible spouse, workaholic spouse, the controlling spouse, the uncommunicative spouse, the verbally abusive spouse, the physically abusive spouse, the sexually abused/abusive spouse, the unfaithful spouse, the alcoholic/drug-abusing spouse, and the depressed spouse. There’s also a chapter entitled “An Honest Look at Divorce” which is excellent —a real “must read”! Buy this book now.

• MARRIED BUT NOT ENGAGED -by Paul and Sandy Coughlin, published by Bethany House. This book aims to bring married women hope, encouragement, and insight as you embark on the quest to create or rediscover genuine intimacy in your marriage or marriage-to-be). Every woman wants her man to be “engaged,” and not in the sense of putting a ring on her finger, but in terms of being emotionally present. The author Paul Coughlin, a former “Christian Nice Guy”, explains what causes a man’s passivity, what destruction takes place when a man decides to be nice instead of good, and what you can do to help your man find and use his emotional compass. He shares ways he tried to foster and facilitate change, including why most of his attempts didn’t work, and what ultimately proved to restore to marriage the intimacy couples want.

• RECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES… Healing for Troubled Marriages (Expanded Edition with Study Guide) -by Jim Talley, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers www.thomasnelson.com. This book shows why reconciliation is worth the effort and provides practical, biblical advice on how to resolve conflicts and develop a relationship based on mutual love, respect, and trust. As the author says, “The primary goal of reconciliation is to cause those who are angry, bitter, and hostile to be friendly again and bring back harmony, whether they’re already separated, divorced, or remarried.” Buy this book now.

• THE BEST THING I EVERY DID FOR MY MARRIAGE … 50 Real-life Stories -Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah Publishers www.multnomahbooks.com. This book contains 50 eye-opening, often humorous true stories—including contributions from Cynthia Heald, Dee Brestin, Rosemary Jensen, and Donna Otto—that will inspire you with moments that build stronger marriages. It inspires you to: bring down walls between you and your husband, adjust to differences in your personalities, deal with the damage and heartbreak of betrayal, and go on living when everything goes terribly wrong.

As Dennis Rainey (President of Family Life) points out (as he introduces this book), “When two people join hands in marriage, there’s a good chance their differences will collide like two gasoline trucks on the interstate. Many couples ignore their differences until the damage seems insurmountable. You may be someone who went into marriage with great dreams for the things you and your spouse would accomplish together—only to see them beaten down by the battles of life. But there is hope. Your marriage is one of the greatest tools God has given you to minister to others—even if it hasn’t been a smooth road.”

As the authors, Nancy Cobb and Connie Grisby say about this book (and we agree with) “You’re about to embark on an eye-opening journey that we believe you’ll walk away from feeling hopeful and inspired. The women in this book have walked in your shoes! With refreshing honesty and insight, they share the struggles in their marriages and what got them on track again. And the masks have been dropped! Regardless of whether every chapter applies to you or not, we think you’ll be encouraged and heartened. Each chapter offers insight to help you build a stronger marriage, while sharing inspirational truths about God’s design for your life.” Buy this book now.

• THE MARRIAGE MENDER… A Couple’s Guide for Staying Together -by Drs. Thomas Whiteman and Thomas Bartlett with Randy Petersen, published by NavPress www.NavPress.com. If you’re looking for a fresh start, this book will give you solution-based tools to begin rebuilding your marriage. It has illustrations and exercises that will teach you how to look to the future of your relationship instead of focusing on the past with its problems. You’ll learn how to build emotional safety, communicate more effectively with your spouse, resolve conflict creatively, fight fairly, and much more. As Stephen Arterburn says, “This book is a great tool for marriages that have everything going for them except the two people in them!” Your marriage is worth saving and The Marriage Mender will show you how. Buy this book now.

• THE WALKOUT WOMAN …When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams are Lost, written by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, published by Multnomah www.multnomahbooks.com. We HIGHLY recommend this book—it’s outstanding! It’s written for women who need practical and inspiring help to breathe new life into their marriages which may seem hopeless. As the authors say, concerning this book, “We pray that you will recognize the symptoms and dangers of becoming a walk-out woman and that you will realize that it is not a path to happiness. Opening your heart to your marriage again is indeed a risk, but we believe it’s a risk worth taking. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started “keeping score” and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, getting connected again with your husband, resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.” Buy this book now.

• THE WOUNDED WOMAN - Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt -By Dr Steve Stephens and Pam Vredevelt, published by Multnomah Publishers, www.multnomahbooks.com. This is a good book for women filled who are finding it difficult to cope with some of the tragedies that plague them. It offers you the pathway to regain your footing, restart your life, recover your energy, and reclaim your joy. Contained within its pages are real-life testimonies that will guide you toward recovery and inspire you to press forward in newfound strength-not in spite of your wounds but because of them. As Dr Stephens says, “We cannot change the past. What has occurred —with all of its hurt, injustice, cruelty, disappointment, and tragedy —has slipped into history, beyond our control. Even so, we can change how we view the painful realities that have touched our life and what we say to ourselves about those realities.” The mission of this book is to help you move forward as you work through your pain, “reminding you that there is hope —that you’re not alone. God never promised to keep us from wounds, but He did promise to be with us and to help us heal.” Buy this book now.

• WHEN LOVES DIES… How to Save a Hopeless Marriage -by Judy Bodmer, published by Word Publishing www.wordpublishing.com. This is a refreshing, honest look at one woman’s journey to the edge of divorce, her commitment to stay even though she didn’t feel like it, and her eventual rediscovery of the love that she thought had died. Some of the subjects she discusses from her own experience are: You Don’t Know How Bad Things Are; You Don’t Know My Husband; I Can’t Forgive or Forget, I Can’t Change the Way I Feel; I had So Many Dreams; I Don’t Love Him; We Can’t Talk; I Feel So Angry; I Married the Wrong Man; I Don’t Want Him to Touch Me; I Don’t Feel Loved; and I Just Want to Be Happy. Buy this book now.

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